Update on bday party/"bad" kid thread. . .

[Alicia64]

so the mom told on me. :glare:

 

I don't even think much about my honesty "problem." I tend to be honest when, in this case, I should have been politely politically correct. Duh.

 

I emailed the mom of the bday boy (remember this bday was pulled together very last-minute -- it almost seemed like an after thought) and very politely explained that I didn't want my eight-year-olds around the "bad" kid (won't explain how bad, but please trust me, he bullies plus he and the bday boy are two years older).

 

My email was very kind and cool and "we'll bring Jim a bday present and this isn't a big deal, we're all still friends" kind of thing.

 

So yesterday the "bad" kid tells my boys, "you can go to Jim's party now because I won't be there." Which, I think, was a lie. I think he will be there and he was trying to do a "gotcha" to me and the boys. (Totally his style. Plus the mom didn't call me to say that anything had changed.)

 

In any case the mom spilled the beans to Jim who then obviously told the "bad" kid. It never occurred to me that she wouldn't keep this quiet.

 

The bday is today and I feel awkward now. Because we're in apts. and live close to both boys, I'm going to take my two to a friend's house during the party.

 

Any thoughts? I guess I should have made up a story about why mine wouldn't be there. :(

 

Alley

[Remudamom]

Here's my thought. Hold your head up and stand your ground. You aren't going to put up with this type of behavior or expose your boys to it. Take them out and do something else. And don't brood over it. Over and done.

[Acorn]

Not that you can change it now, but I would have only said that my child cannot attend and left it at that.

[FiveOaksAcademy]

Here's my thought. Hold your head up and stand your ground. You aren't going to put up with this type of behavior or expose your boys to it. Take them out and do something else. And don't brood over it. Over and done.

 

This!!! I like the style of this! If you act firm and sure of yourself on it and don't seem apologetic, the message will be clear!! I can't say I'm always able to do that in situations like this, but it is definitely the best way to handle it.

[snickelfritz]

Honestly, yeah, I would have come up with plans (and done them) and not told anybody but dh. It puts the mom putting the party together in the spot of having to pick between your kids and "bad" boy the next time there is a party.

 

I still remember being in 7th grade and telling another troop member that I hadn't re-joined Girl Scouts because my mom thought the troop leader was taking money. That didn't stay secret long. (though, turned out, she was and got brought up on embezzlement.). And it's been a good reminder to me to not spread my opinions of other people.

[SKL]

If that boy is so bad, I don't think you were wrong to tell the truth. Maybe it will lead to a change that is good for everyone. I agree with taking your boys somewhere else during the time of the birthday party. This will blow over, don't worry.

[Alicia64]

Here's my thought. Hold your head up and stand your ground. You aren't going to put up with this type of behavior or expose your boys to it. Take them out and do something else. And don't brood over it. Over and done.

 

Okay. (But I really am a wimp.) I'll wimp-out inside, but I'll stand tall.

 

Snickel and Acorn -- I totally see that I should have been way less upfront. (The mom and I have had several conversations about the "bad" kid and she gets it but won't put her foot down. I don't know why.)

 

Also, because we're all in apts., we're all moving and scattering in the summer so this situation won't really come up again.

 

SKL -- I hope you're right that it'll blow over. The "bad" kid is sort of scary and I'm worried of things escalating.

 

Remud -- Okay, no brooding, no brooding, no brooding. (But just so you know: I'm still a wimp!)

 

Alley

[Alicia64]

This!!! I like the style of this! If you act firm and sure of yourself on it and don't seem apologetic, the message will be clear!! I can't say I'm always able to do that in situations like this, but it is definitely the best way to handle it.

 

Okay, I won't be apologetic. I'll be thinking of you as I bring over the gift!!

 

Alley

[Slipper]

I think you did exactly right. I think condoning bullying behavior is as bad as the bully him/herself. I have called parents prior to a party and explained that a certain child was a bully and asked if she would be there. (And every single time the other parents assured me that the child had not been invited due to bad behavior). I would have definitely kept my daughter home from a party had a certain individual been invited.

 

I set the tone for my daughter and eventually she also refused to tolerate this certain person's actions (at school) and encouraged her friends to not tolerate it either. (The bully was eventually suspended for five days in 2nd grade). (And, the bully was truly awful, she put bread in my daughter's food at lunchtime (my Celiac kid), pushed and shoved kids, broke other kids personal items, etc).

 

I agree hold your head high and I think your note to the birthday parent was appropriate. You may (since you live so close) end up in confrontation with the parent (or the other parent may choose to apologize) so plan out now what you plan on saying.

[Alicia64]

I think you did exactly right. I think condoning bullying behavior is as bad as the bully him/herself. I have called parents prior to a party and explained that a certain child was a bully and asked if she would be there. (And every single time the other parents assured me that the child had not been invited due to bad behavior). I would have definitely kept my daughter home from a party had a certain individual been invited.

 

I set the tone for my daughter and eventually she also refused to tolerate this certain person's actions (at school) and encouraged her friends to not tolerate it either. (The bully was eventually suspended for five days in 2nd grade). (And, the bully was truly awful, she put bread in my daughter's food at lunchtime (my Celiac kid), pushed and shoved kids, broke other kids personal items, etc).

 

I agree hold your head high and I think your note to the birthday parent was appropriate. You may (since you live so close) end up in confrontation with the parent (or the other parent may choose to apologize) so plan out now what you plan on saying.

 

This post meant a lot to me -- thank you for taking your time.

 

The bully putting bread in your daughter's lunch horrified me and dh. I won't forget this story.

 

Alley

[catz]

If that boy is so bad, I don't think you were wrong to tell the truth. Maybe it will lead to a change that is good for everyone. I agree with taking your boys somewhere else during the time of the birthday party. This will blow over, don't worry.

 

:iagree: Maybe the bad kid's mom should be privy to this information. I wouldn't sweat it at all. You're in the right and I'd hold your ground.

[Alicia64]

:iagree: Maybe the bad kid's mom should be privy to this information. I wouldn't sweat it at all. You're in the right and I'd hold your ground.

 

Sadly, his mom is the root of the problem. She's a single mom who seems to go in and out of boyfriends and moves a lot. So she's hopeless. To be honest, I've never even met her -- although dh has. That's how little she supervises her boy ie. not at all.

 

Alley

[Ellie]

It wasn't an issue of being "politically correct," not even of being honest. It's that you are not required to give an explanation for declining to attend an event. All you needed to do was say that you regretted that your ds would not be attending (and you didn't need to buy the bday child a gift, either).

 

I know you already have your plan for the day :) but for future reference, just RSVP (which doesn't just mean that you tell someone you aren't coming but also that you tell her that you are; some people get that confused, lol). No explanations are necessary (neither is a gift). :)

[Lara in Colo]

My mother has these little nuggets of wisedom sometimes. One of her better sayings is:

 

"They made you mad first"

 

This fits your situation. Remember: you are REacting to an action. They brought this on YOU, you did not start this, do not be afraid or ashamed to finish it. (not that this is the end)

 

 

Lara

[Julie in CA]

I'm sorry, I missed the original thread, but do I have it right that you decided not to send your dc to a birthday party where there's a "bad boy", but that your dc already have exposure to the bad boy elsewhere?

[MrsMe]

so the mom told on me. :glare:

 

I don't even think much about my honesty "problem." I tend to be honest when, in this case, I should have been politely politically correct. Duh.

 

I emailed the mom of the bday boy (remember this bday was pulled together very last-minute -- it almost seemed like an after thought) and very politely explained that I didn't want my eight-year-olds around the "bad" kid (won't explain how bad, but please trust me, he bullies plus he and the bday boy are two years older).

 

My email was very kind and cool and "we'll bring Jim a bday present and this isn't a big deal, we're all still friends" kind of thing.

 

So yesterday the "bad" kid tells my boys, "you can go to Jim's party now because I won't be there." Which, I think, was a lie. I think he will be there and he was trying to do a "gotcha" to me and the boys. (Totally his style. Plus the mom didn't call me to say that anything had changed.)

 

In any case the mom spilled the beans to Jim who then obviously told the "bad" kid. It never occurred to me that she wouldn't keep this quiet.

 

The bday is today and I feel awkward now. Because we're in apts. and live close to both boys, I'm going to take my two to a friend's house during the party.

 

Any thoughts? I guess I should have made up a story about why mine wouldn't be there. :(

 

Alley

 

 

I totally agree with what you did. This is how bullies (and their parents) take hold and are in denial. I get sick of people pussy footing around with bullies. I have been there and as well said if "this" person is here we will no longer attend.

 

I wouldn't feel awkward and I'd absolutely never make up a story about why my kid wouldn't be there.

 

Stand your ground. You did great! Anti-bully people UNITE! And forget the darn politcal correctness. That's cr*p.

[Alicia64]

It wasn't an issue of being "politically correct," not even of being honest. It's that you are not required to give an explanation for declining to attend an event. All you needed to do was say that you regretted that your ds would not be attending (and you didn't need to buy the bday child a gift, either).

 

I know you already have your plan for the day :) but for future reference, just RSVP (which doesn't just mean that you tell someone you aren't coming but also that you tell her that you are; some people get that confused, lol). No explanations are necessary (neither is a gift). :)

 

Not seeing the original post makes it hard. The mom invited my kids saying that only my kids and one other boy that we know would be there. Not a huge shindig.

 

Then her son on his own invited the "bad" kid. (The bday boy's mom doesn't care for this "bad" kid either but won't put her foot down.)

 

At that point I said, "no." Because my smaller twin -- who is two years younger than the "bad" kid -- gets bullied by him. I couldn't send him into an apartment party where I wasn't at all invited to supervise (not that supervision changes the "bad" kid's behavior). He also said, "no way."

 

So I contacted her and politely explained. Since we'd already RSVP'd "yes" I felt like I needed to be honest.

 

I should have just been vague and backed out. Now I see that.

 

Alley

Edited March 17, 2012 by Alicia64
Can't spell!

[Alicia64]

I totally agree with what you did. This is how bullies (and their parents) take hold and are in denial. I get sick of people pussy footing around with bullies. I have been there and as well said if "this" person is here we will no longer attend.

 

I wouldn't feel awkward and I'd absolutely never make up a story about why my kid wouldn't be there.

 

Stand your ground. You did great! Anti-bully people UNITE! And forget the darn political correctness. That's cr*p.

 

You rock. Everyone w/ this attitude really impresses me. I was raised with a bully -- my lovely father -- so I tend to strategically avoid bullies but I still end up feeling apologetic.

 

I love your term "pussy footing" -- I'm going to post your words on my fridge.

 

Thank you -- this has been therapeutic!

 

Alley

[Ellie]

Ok, I gotcha.

 

I probably would have done as you did. :)

[Coffeetime]

It wasn't an issue of being "politically correct," not even of being honest. It's that you are not required to give an explanation for declining to attend an event. All you needed to do was say that you regretted that your ds would not be attending (and you didn't need to buy the bday child a gift, either).

 

I know you already have your plan for the day :) but for future reference, just RSVP (which doesn't just mean that you tell someone you aren't coming but also that you tell her that you are; some people get that confused, lol). No explanations are necessary (neither is a gift). :)

:iagree:

I think that bringing another mother and kid into it was... unnecessarily confrontational. It puts her in an awkward position, and obviously she doesn't have the backbone that you have. ;) I'm certain she felt criticized by you for inviting this other boy- even though I'm sure that's not what you meant.

 

I do think, however, that if the child's behavior is that disturbing and unacceptable, you should have had a conversation with the bully's mother- discussing her child pushing around your kids, and letting her know in no uncertain terms that your kids will be avoiding her son's company at all costs. Then make polite excuses to the mother throwing the party, without bringing up the "bad" child. That, IMHO, was the appropriate response to this situation.

[MrsMe]

:iagree:

I think that bringing another mother and kid into it was... unnecessarily confrontational. It puts her in an awkward position, and obviously she doesn't have the backbone that you have. ;) I'm certain she felt criticized by you for inviting this other boy- even though I'm sure that's not what you meant.

 

I do think, however, that if the child's behavior is that disturbing and unacceptable, you should have had a conversation with the bully's mother- discussing her child pushing around your kids, and letting her know in no uncertain terms that your kids will be avoiding her son's company at all costs. Then make polite excuses to the mother throwing the party, without bringing up the "bad" child. That, IMHO, was the appropriate response to this situation.

 

Well, I'd have to respectfully disagree. I'd would wholeheartedly tell the person who is having the party (if this is who you're referring to as the other mother). First, she may not know she invited a bully and therefore would put her children and others at risk, or she does know and in this case I would stay clear of invites from now on as this would tell me that no matter the attitudes, she'd invite anyone and everyone.

 

I was in the same exact boat and it came to pass that it worked wonderfully. This mom was thankful and just didn't realize.

 

However, I wouldn't make the mom throwing the party tell the bully's mother why someone wasn't attending, but then I wouldn't do that no matter what the circumstance. I would also completely understand the reason for the child not to attend. I'd proceed to watch that bully like a hawk, have zero tolerance and send him home early if needed. And knowing he's a bully, and has does it to others, I'd never invite him to any other parties I was giving.

[delaney]

Perhaps it is good that the message got leaked. Maybe that parent needs to know that their kid is the cause of controversy and people ultimately shy away from functions he is attending! I doubt it, but one could hope. I have a friend who has an older boy (11) who picks on little kids, bullies, is impulsive and butts into conversations ALL THE TIME. People shy away from that kid and the mother is clueless. She just doesn't get it!

[woolybear]

Not that you can change it now, but I would have only said that my child cannot attend and left it at that.

Yes. I am learning, in general, people don't always need to know WHY (about a lot of things.)

[Julie in CA]

So yesterday the "bad" kid tells my boys, "you can go to Jim's party now because I won't be there."

 

You probably don't need to keep your boys home from the party, if they already have contact with the "bad" kid regardless of whether they go or not. :confused:

 

In your place, I'd go with them to the party, and we probably wouldn't stay long. The fact is, it sounds like they have contact either way, so I'd honor the fact that I'd already agreed to go to the party, even if just to be nice to the birthday boy.

[misidawnrn]

Here's my thought. Hold your head up and stand your ground. You aren't going to put up with this type of behavior or expose your boys to it. Take them out and do something else. And don't brood over it. Over and done.

:iagree: If you apologize for the bad kid's behavior, you make it right. Just be firm that you don't want your kids exposed to him! Maybe others will get the hint and be brave enough to exclude bad kid.

[Teachin'Mine]

Maybe you could have a small celebration at your place and invite the birthday boy and give him his gift then. It sounds like he had a small birthday party, so he might really appreciate another small celebration on another day. :001_smile: