Don't know how to handle dear friend...

[desertmum]

We have a dear friend to whom we owe a lot as she helped us in our time of need. However, it has evident for some time that she doesn't agree with the idea of homeschooling. Tonight, after dinner, she said her main concern is that I can only teach what I know and I may neglect to teach the subjects that I "don't like".

 

The fact that I told her that in the UK only state schools are required to follow the National Curriculum and that private schools can choose their own subjects and materials seemed to alarm her even further. "But you are following a curriculum, right?" she asked.

 

I don't mind suggestions and constructive criticism but it seems that every time we meet my friend has got to make some kind of comment about HS and suggest one way of another I am not qualified to carry on. BTW she only makes these comments when we are alone, never when dh is present.:001_huh:

 

As I said, she is a dear friend and we love her, and want to continue being friends, but how would you handle her comments? Am I being over-sensitive or something?

[Forget-Me-Not]

Pass the bean dip. Every time. Just because she's helped you in your time of need does not mean that you owe her a detailed justification of your parenting and educational choices. :grouphug:

[J-rap]

Can you just laugh it off and say, "I don't think this is a conversation we should continue, because we clearly disagree!" And then I'd quickly change the subject.

[dirty ethel rackham]

Yep. Please read Joanne's bean dip article. Thank her for her concern. Tell her you've got it covered. Pass the bean dip. This is really the best way to keep the friendship on a respectful level, if she is capable of it.

[Cassy]

I agree that it's best to just try to ignore her concerns. I know it's not easy, especially when it's someone you're fond of. From my own experience, you won't have to avoid the issue forever; there comes a point after a year or two when it becomes so obvious that homeschooling is such a fabulous and effective way of educating your dc that even the fiercest critic has to back down. It does happen ;).

 

Cassy

[desertmum]

Yep. Please read Joanne's bean dip article. Thank her for her concern. Tell her you've got it covered. Pass the bean dip. This is really the best way to keep the friendship on a respectful level, if she is capable of it.

 

I LOVED the bean dip article. Thank you ever so much for the link. I'm still laughing after 10 minutes. It is exactly what I need.

 

My mother always told me it is better to own money than owing a favour because you can always pay the money back -and she was right.

 

I am glad I stayed up to read your replies (It is 1:30am where I live and I'm still fuming over the after dinner conversation). I still wonder why our friend says these things to me, and not to my dh. In any case, from now on I will pass the dip and... :chillpill:

[LMD]

Honestly, if she's that good a friend, I'd just talk to her about your feelings - nip it in the bud.

 

Something like "you know I love you, and I really thought you respected me enough to know I want to do the best for my children. I wouldn't do this without a lot of thought, research and conviction. Your comments like x & y make me feel like you don't respect my ability to make this decision intelligently. I would really love your support in this, I'm happy to discuss any questions you have, but please know that this is a firm and exciting decision for us"

[desertmum]

Honestly, if she's that good a friend, I'd just talk to her about your feelings - nip it in the bud.

 

Something like "you know I love you, and I really thought you respected me enough to know I want to do the best for my children. I wouldn't do this without a lot of thought, research and conviction. Your comments like x & y make me feel like you don't respect my ability to make this decision intelligently. I would really love your support in this, I'm happy to discuss any questions you have, but please know that this is a firm and exciting decision for us"

 

I'm going for this if the bean dip approach doesn't work.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Your son is 5? And she's worried about you not teaching certain subjects? I would assure her that you love to teach the 3 R's and will be researching other more advanced subjects as you need them. . .

[fraidycat]

I wouldn't think that a "bean dip" approach would work in a situation like this; friend you will see often vs. random stranger or casual acquaintance you rarely see.

 

Straightforward will most likely be better in this situation so she knows not to make these comments ever again, not just in the one situation where you passed the dip. "Thanks for your concern, but these are MY children to raise as I see fit."

 

Opinions are like @**holes. Everybody has one and they usually stink.

[AmyontheFarm]

Thank you for posting the bean dip article.

 

I need to bring some bean dip with us when we go to deal with a bad situation this weekend.

[Anne]

You've been given some good ideas. I also want to say that perhaps your friend is completely ignorant of homeschooling, and so perhaps thinks you're embarking on something which will be harmful to your dc (whom she presumably loves also).

 

When I started hsing, about 21 years ago, my father thought I'd lost my mind. He couldn't talk to me about it b/c he thought it was such a bad idea.

 

When my oldest was about 13, he took her on a trip to his hometown, just the two of them. When they came back, he told me how impressed he was with her and what a good job I had done with her. Yes that still brings tears to my eyes every time I think of it!

 

Anyway, my point is that maybe this is so new to your friend that she just can't wrap her mind around it. Hopefully, as time goes on, she will see what a great job you are doing with your children and how successful hsing is for your family!!

 

Anne

[mytwomonkeys]

Your son is 5? And she's worried about you not teaching certain subjects? I would assure her that you love to teach the 3 R's and will be researching other more advanced subjects as you need them. . .

 

:iagree: oh my goodness, he's only 5! tell her to back off. being a new homeschooler can be stressful enough without friends doubting you every step of the way. it's really frustrating when people assume that we, as parents, didn't research homeschooling before we decided to do it. as you know, most homeschoolers eat, sleep, and breathe homeschooling philosophies/styles/curriculum, etc. as they figure it all out. it's so annoying when people ask questions as if we ourselves have never thought about any of it. seriously, i would speak to her about boundaries. imho, she is crossing boundaries and deeming herself more knowledgeable about this than you. :grouphug:

[gardening momma]

It sounds like she just doesn't know much about homeschooling. I'd recommend a nice, simple book that gives examples of different ways of homeschooling, but if it includes any laid back or unschooling examples, it might just give her more fuel. So how about loaning her a copy of the WTM? Whether or not you plan to follow it, it should settle any doubts about how rigorous your homeschooling will/could be.

[desertmum]

Your son is 5? And she's worried about you not teaching certain subjects? I would assure her that you love to teach the 3 R's and will be researching other more advanced subjects as you need them. . .

I told her that I am concentrating on the 3 R's. She said I need to make sure ds gets a balanced education, blah,blah.

 

You've been given some good ideas. I also want to say that perhaps your friend is completely ignorant of homeschooling, and so perhaps thinks you're embarking on something which will be harmful to your dc (whom she presumably loves also).

 

When I started hsing, about 21 years ago, my father thought I'd lost my mind. He couldn't talk to me about it b/c he thought it was such a bad idea.

 

When my oldest was about 13, he took her on a trip to his hometown, just the two of them. When they came back, he told me how impressed he was with her and what a good job I had done with her. Yes that still brings tears to my eyes every time I think of it!

 

Anyway, my point is that maybe this is so new to your friend that she just can't wrap her mind around it. Hopefully, as time goes on, she will see what a great job you are doing with your children and how successful hsing is for your family!!

 

Anne

From your mouth to God's ears!

:iagree: oh my goodness, he's only 5! tell her to back off. being a new homeschooler can be stressful enough without friends doubting you every step of the way. it's really frustrating when people assume that we, as parents, didn't research homeschooling before we decided to do it. as you know, most homeschoolers eat, sleep, and breathe homeschooling philosophies/styles/curriculum, etc. as they figure it all out. it's so annoying when people ask questions as if we ourselves have never thought about any of it. seriously, i would speak to her about boundaries. imho, she is crossing boundaries and deeming herself more knowledgeable about this than you. :grouphug:

 

Yes, this is our first year of hs and I certainly don't need any added pressure. I will definitely pass the dip and then if she keeps the comments up I will have to give her "the eye" and say the "We got it covered part". Phew, maybe it is time I grow some backbone.

Edited March 13, 2012 by desertmum

[Rosie_0801]

Since this person is a close friend, I think they have the right to have their concerns addressed. If they continue nagging after that, my patience would run out. I'd call their bluff by dumping a stack of reading material on the table. "You want to know more? Well this is what I've been reading!" If they really are interested/concerned, they'll take at least one home to read. If they don't, bean dip is all they deserve.

 

Rosie

[desertmum]

It sounds like she just doesn't know much about homeschooling. I'd recommend a nice, simple book that gives examples of different ways of homeschooling, but if it includes any laid back or unschooling examples, it might just give her more fuel. So how about loaning her a copy of the WTM? Whether or not you plan to follow it, it should settle any doubts about how rigorous your homeschooling will/could be.

Good idea!

 

Since this person is a close friend, I think they have the right to have their concerns addressed. If they continue nagging after that, my patience would run out. I'd call their bluff by dumping a stack of reading material on the table. "You want to know more? Well this is what I've been reading!" If they really are interested/concerned, they'll take at least one home to read. If they don't, bean dip is all they deserve.

 

Rosie

 

I understand she might be concerned but... First she was nagging me about how ds might feel lonely without peers because he is "stuck at home with me". As it turned out ds has got a nice group of about 10 friends and they together twice a week if not more often. They meet at the beach or one of the local parks so they are outdoors most of the time. So my friend backed off. Now she is back saying I can only teach her what I know. Yes, I know I dropped out of uni but...but hey, I can read and write and all).

 

I think I will hand her my copy of WTM as gardening momma suggested too, and let her chew on that for a bit, but I will keep some bean dip in my fridge just in case... :toetap05:

 

BTW I wanted to say "thank you" to all of you who replied to this thread. I was feeling so frustrated last night I couldn't fall asleep. This morning I feel so much better. :001_smile:

[nansk]

she said her main concern is that I can only teach what I know

 

Well to some extent, this is correct. We can only teach what we ourselves know. But that doesn't meant that we cannot first learn in advance what we want to teach our children. For instance, before you became a mom, you couldn't have taught another new mom how to swaddle an infant. But then, you learnt how to swaddle your own baby and now you can teach another mother. The same goes for grammar or spelling or Maths or Latin.

 

and I may neglect to teach the subjects that I "don't like".

 

Then you can reassure her that that you will definitely look at outsourcing those subjects if needed. :-)

[desertmum]

 

Then you can reassure her that that you will definitely look at outsourcing those subjects if needed. :-)

 

This is exactly what I said to her last night! About a month ago a teacher nearly collapsed when I said we are hs (well, she asked).

 

"But what are you going to do if you need to teach something you don't know?" she wailed.

"Then we'll find someone who does!" was my reply.

 

It is far easier to be cheeky with strangers.:D

[mom2denj]

I think I would just tell her you can only agree to disagree, but that you really don't want to continue to discuss it with her if she is so dead against it.

 

Hopefully there is more to the friendship than that so maybe she will finally drop it.

 

You don't need to convince her or change her mind. She just needs to stop talking to you about it.

 

:iagree:

[Anne]

This is exactly what I said to her last night! About a month ago a teacher nearly collapsed when I said we are hs (well, she asked).

 

"But what are you going to do if you need to teach something you don't know?" she wailed.

"Then we'll find someone who does!" was my reply.

 

It is far easier to be cheeky with strangers.:D

 

My father wanted to know (when my oldest was FIVE!) what I was going to do about Calculus!!!:tongue_smilie:

 

I told him I wasn't planning on teaching it that year!!:lol:

 

Anne

[Catwoman]

I think I would just tell her you can only agree to disagree, but that you really don't want to continue to discuss it with her if she is so dead against it.

 

Hopefully there is more to the friendship than that so maybe she will finally drop it.

 

You don't need to convince her or change her mind. She just needs to stop talking to you about it.

 

:iagree:

 

IMO, if she is such a great friend, she should trust that you are doing what is right for your family, and realize that your parenting choices are none of her business. Real friends state their opinions, but they don't harp on them.

 

Sorry you're in an awkward situation, but please remember that your friend is the one who is out of line, and you aren't the one who should be feeling uncomfortable. :grouphug:

[Catwoman]

My father wanted to know (when my oldest was FIVE!) what I was going to do about Calculus!!!:tongue_smilie:

 

I told him I wasn't planning on teaching it that year!!:lol:

 

Anne

 

:D :D :D :D

[desertmum]

:iagree:

 

IMO, if she is such a great friend, she should trust that you are doing what is right for your family, and realize that your parenting choices are none of her business. Real friends state their opinions, but they don't harp on them.

 

Sorry you're in an awkward situation, but please remember that your friend is the one who is out of line, and you aren't the one who should be feeling uncomfortable. :grouphug:

 

I know, I know. Thanks for the hug.

 

My father wanted to know (when my oldest was FIVE!) what I was going to do about Calculus!!!:tongue_smilie:

 

I told him I wasn't planning on teaching it that year!!:lol:

 

Anne

 

:lol::lol:

 

 

In the meantime I will some time before I invite her over again.

[mom2hunangirls]

Interesting, I'd be happy if someone close to me felt comfortable enough to show concern. Not everybody. But a close friend, I'd be ok with that.

In your case I would say "we hit the 3 r's heavy right now. He is only 5. And we'll evaluate each year as it comes. There are so many resources now, I'm honestly not worried he's missing anything. But if you see something specific I'd listen. But in general I can assure you we're good."

Mostly it sounds (from what you posted) like hs'ing is just a new concept. Sure she's heard of it, but that doesn't mean she's actually seen how it works and the resources available.

If she's truly one of your closest friends be glad she'll ask. Don't be offended. Show her a catalog or your curriculum. Several of my friends who work in public schools now think hs'ing is a great option because of my enthusiasm or honesty in the struggles (of picking right, doing enough).

And if she still makes you uncomfortable you are close enough to just say "let's not talk about this...we're all doing what we think is best."

[desertmum]

Interesting, I'd be happy if someone close to me felt comfortable enough to show concern. Not everybody. But a close friend, I'd be ok with that.

In your case I would say "we hit the 3 r's heavy right now. He is only 5. And we'll evaluate each year as it comes. There are so many resources now, I'm honestly not worried he's missing anything. But if you see something specific I'd listen. But in general I can assure you we're good."

Mostly it sounds (from what you posted) like hs'ing is just a new concept. Sure she's heard of it, but that doesn't mean she's actually seen how it works and the resources available.

If she's truly one of your closest friends be glad she'll ask. Don't be offended. Show her a catalog or your curriculum. Several of my friends who work in public schools now think hs'ing is a great option because of my enthusiasm or honesty in the struggles (of picking right, doing enough).

And if she still makes you uncomfortable you are close enough to just say "let's not talk about this...we're all doing what we think is best."

 

She is not a close friend of mine. She is a dear family friend and she helped us in the past when dh was unemployed. She babysits ds sometimes. Yes, I can listen to concern and criticism. I have other friends who ask all kinds of questions. I just wish she didn't bring up the subject 8 out of 10 times we talk. As someone here suggested I'm going to hand her my copy of TWTM so she can see what we are doing. ;)