What do you think?

[5kidsforME]

OK, so I am pregnant. We told my family right away everyone was happy for us. They all live a couple of states away. We have told all of our close friends. Some other people here and there etc. I have not put it on FB. I will eventually.

 

We have not told my inlaws. They are never happy for us. MIL is always pi$$ed off about it and angry and she directs that all at me not at dh. It really ticks us both off. So we decided we weren't going to tell them for awhile because we just don't want to deal with the drama. I am now 16 weeks along.

 

I'm starting to wonder if they are going to be more angry than if we had told them earlier. What's hard is, if they choose to be MORE angry, I kind of feel like it will just be an excuse to be angry about the whole pregnancy in general. BUT, I'm starting to realize, there will never be a good time to tell them! Sigh.

 

FTR, this is most likely my last and really I just want to enjoy this time, not have drama etc.

 

What says the hive? Do we just go ahead and bite the bullet and tell them or stick with our original plans?

 

Please, do not bash our decision, if you knew the nasty reaction we have gotten in the past with EVERY pregnancy, you would understand. They had the same reaction when I had my miscarriage and then got pregnant after and they were pis$$ed again, sadly I lost that baby too. So maybe you can understand why we don't want to share our good news with people that don't find it to be good news.

[eternalknot]

I'm a firm believer in "we teach others how to treat us" -- so that's what guides my own interactions with people (and what keeps me evaluating my own side of the fence during these interactions!)

 

My inlaws were never upset with pregnancies, but they do fit the general description of your inlaws. I'm not one to keep secrets, or to hide, but at some point self-preservation becomes a higher priority than being the bigger person. I'd say you're there.

 

I'd let it ride. If they're going to be upset REGARDLESS ... why open that can of worms early? If you and DH are both firm on board with the decision to hold off -and can assert yourselves without getting muddied in the aftermath once the inlaws DO find out- I think you'd be just fine to stick to the original plan. When harrassed by them, you can simply state the facts (leave out the emotion, BTDT): "We anticipated this type of reaction from you, and chose to postpone it as long as we could so as not to dampen our own excitement over the news."

 

Congratulations, by the way!

[5kidsforME]

I'm a firm believer in "we teach others how to treat us" -- so that's what guides my own interactions with people (and what keeps me evaluating my own side of the fence during these interactions!)

 

My inlaws were never upset with pregnancies, but they do fit the general description of your inlaws. I'm not one to keep secrets, or to hide, but at some point self-preservation becomes a higher priority than being the bigger person. I'd say you're there.

 

I'd let it ride. If they're going to be upset REGARDLESS ... why open that can of worms early? If you and DH are both firm on board with the decision to hold off -and can assert yourselves without getting muddied in the aftermath once the inlaws DO find out- I think you'd be just fine to stick to the original plan. When harrassed by them, you can simply state the facts (leave out the emotion, BTDT): "We anticipated this type of reaction from you, and chose to postpone it as long as we could so as not to dampen our own excitement over the news."

 

Congratulations, by the way!

 

That is excellent! I may just have to use that! Thanks. :001_smile:

[Laurie4b]

"We anticipated this type of reaction from you, and chose to postpone it as long as we could so as not to dampen our own excitement over the news."

 

Congratulations, by the way!

 

:iagree: Just be honest about it. Your decision this time was based on how they've reacted before.

 

When you do tell them, I'd let dh tell them over the phone and he should include a warning that he doesn't want you to hear a single negative word about it. If they do choose to be negative, there are consequences. But your dh should handle it and basically put on protective husband mode (whatever the mama bear equivalent is) for "Don't mess with my wife or you're going to deal with me and I promise you don't want to go there."

[Tigger]

:iagree: Just be honest about it. Your decision this time was based on how they've reacted before.

 

When you do tell them, I'd let dh tell them over the phone and he should include a warning that he doesn't want you to hear a single negative word about it. If they do choose to be negative, there are consequences. But your dh should handle it and basically put on protective husband mode (whatever the mama bear equivalent is) for "Don't mess with my wife or you're going to deal with me and I promise you don't want to go there."

 

:iagree:

 

Let your DH do the telling to his parents and let him protect you from any negativity they may spew, especially given their past reactions.

 

:grouphug:

[Desert Rat]

I figure if you're going to get a negative reaction regardless, I'd wait as long as I could....probably until my water broke.

Seriously.

I called to tell my MIL we were having a second boy after the ultrasound with ds8. She hung up the phone on me and didn't talk to me for 2 weeks. She wanted a girl. If I had had any more, I wouldn't have even told her I was pregnant.

I say do what ever causes the least stress. Not telling them would probably be less stressful. And if/when they do react negatively, use the line from PP. It's brilliant and couldn't be said any better.

[AuntieM]

I was well into my second trimester before telling extended family about pregnancies two and four. In your shoes, I would not bother to call until waaaay near the end! And I agree with the others that your dh alone should tell them, and do that ready to quietly hang up the phone should they start down a negative path. My goodness, that is really awful, no wonder you dread telling them.... :grouphug:

 

And congratulations!

[linguistmama]

I'm sorry they are such jerks! I would put off telling them as long as possible.

[2cents]

I'm a firm believer in "we teach others how to treat us" -- so that's what guides my own interactions with people (and what keeps me evaluating my own side of the fence during these interactions!)

 

My inlaws were never upset with pregnancies, but they do fit the general description of your inlaws. I'm not one to keep secrets, or to hide, but at some point self-preservation becomes a higher priority than being the bigger person. I'd say you're there.

 

I'd let it ride. If they're going to be upset REGARDLESS ... why open that can of worms early? If you and DH are both firm on board with the decision to hold off -and can assert yourselves without getting muddied in the aftermath once the inlaws DO find out- I think you'd be just fine to stick to the original plan. When harrassed by them, you can simply state the facts (leave out the emotion, BTDT): "We anticipated this type of reaction from you, and chose to postpone it as long as we could so as not to dampen our own excitement over the news."

 

Congratulations, by the way!

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

[cindergretta]

ITA with all the pps. I love the script Eternalknot posted and I think definitely your dh should handle it.

 

Congratulations!!!!!!!!!!! :grouphug:

Edited December 23, 2011 by cindergretta

[melissad2]

First...CONGRATULATIONS!! IDK why IL's are that way sometimes but I know the feeling! My MIL is never happy about anything, literally! She doesn't really say so but it is pretty obvious. I can't even really describe her behavior but it is quite odd to say the least. She can be very passive aggressive. I would take the easy way out and wait as long as possible to tell and then let DH do it and make it very clear that negativity will not be tolerated and that if they have anything bad to say then they need to keep their mouths closed.

 

What ever happened to "if you don't have anything nice to say don't say anything at all":confused:

 

Every baby is a blessing and should be treated as such!

[Myeightkiddies]

:iagree: I'm agreeing with the rest.

[Tsutsie]

Hmmm, I say just tell them and get if over with.

At least then your side of it is clean and done. What they do with it is up to them. I'm guessing this is eating at you and causing you unnecessary stress. So, either way, they are going to be upset - why keep it longer than YOU have to.

 

I agree that your Hubby should tell them and also explain that neither one of you needs attitude from them after your previous losses. For them to be mad about it is out of line, cruel and useless. It's not like they can change the situation by being mad.

 

Yeah, tell them and be at peace!

[bbmom]

I think the advice so far is great. I would probably wait to tell and then do it in writing, saying something like "We know the reaction to previous pregnancies has been less than joyful, which is why we decided to announce this one in writing. We would love to hear from you once you have had time to process the news and can share in our joy wholeheartedly."

[jennsmile]

Years from now maybe they will change their tune my parents dealt with IL's like that on both sides I think and my grandparents love to hear everytime we are pregnant. LOL!

 

Congrats! Enjoy your last pregnancy but I think I might leave that part out of the conversations with IL's just in case there is ever a opps or an after thought. ;)

[PrincessMommy]

First congratulations!!

 

Secondly... I'd be cautious about waiting because they are snarky about it. That is their problem. I like the suggestion of having your dh do the dirty work and I guess I'd add he should probably mention that they should keep their negative opinions to themselves. However, you are teaching your children by your actions.

 

What if you're teaching them it's okay to withhold important family moments from you because they don't want to deal with your reaction? Just another way to look at it.

[jennsmile]

Why not a nice Christmas Card or new years card with coming soon...Then screen your calls and let DH handle them.

[zookeeper]

I've got ILs that are the same way. We sent MIL flowers with a card, something about gbaby #7. That way it gave them time to get over the initial shock before they talked with us instead of just spewing whatever stupid comment came into their brains at the time. :glare:

 

Congratulations!!

[Dustybug]

Congratulations! :)

 

I can really relate to your situation because my MIL is just. like. that. :glare: When I had a miscarriage scare with #3, she pretty much said, "I told you so, you shouldn't have had any more."

 

We just always told them anyway as soon as we knew. HOWEVER, my ILS live 5min. away and we see them fairly regularly, so I wouldn't have been able to hide it for long. This last time around, DH pretty much took over and told her to mind her own business.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Congratulations!

[kalanamak]

They have lost their claim on being told early.

I'd wait until late, I'd have hubby tell them, in person if possible, and possibly alone with your mother. He should tell them he is ashamed of her unsupportive and ungrandmotherly anger, it is not as if the child will be HER burden, and if she can't hold her tongue and behave in a reasonably polite manner she would offer a total stranger, she is to not call.

 

If she does, and gets woofy, tell her you will speak to her when she finds her manners, and ring off. Nip it in the bud, my father used to say.

[Danestress]

Not that it matters. I just can't get my mind around a good reason to be mad about a new Grandbaby. I guess I have a relative who has been upset about a new grandbaby, but only because the parents both work full time and expect her to babysit all the grandchildren, and she's exhausted. But even that doesn't make sense to me because it seems like she should just bow out of the obligation.

 

Anyway, it's none of my business, but I am scratching my head. Grand babies are awesome:) Congratulations to you!

 

I probably would let Dh tell them soon, but would have him let them know that their negative comments will be unwelcome. So sad.

[5kidsforME]

Thanks everyone! You have given great advice. I am sure dh and I will re-visit this topic after the New Year, and he will be the one to tell them.

 

 

Not that it matters. I just can't get my mind around a good reason to be mad about a new Grandbaby. I guess I have a relative who has been upset about a new grandbaby, but only because the parents both work full time and expect her to babysit all the grandchildren, and she's exhausted. But even that doesn't make sense to me because it seems like she should just bow out of the obligation.

 

Anyway, it's none of my business, but I am scratching my head. Grand babies are awesome:) Congratulations to you!

 

I probably would let Dh tell them soon, but would have him let them know that their negative comments will be unwelcome. So sad.

 

2 thoughts on this, first, MIL wanted more children (she has 2), and FIL said enough. Which is funny to me, because either you would be happy that we are having more and if not, IMO it is just pure jealousy. Second, BIL had a sit down talk with them at one point after a negative reaction that they were expecting and MIL said she is afraid she wouldn't have enough love to go around. :confused: We all were like, uh, its not like you can run out of love unless you are choosing to! :tongue_smilie:

[Denisemomof4]

We have not told my inlaws. They are never happy for us. MIL is always pi$$ed off about it and angry and she directs that all at me not at dh. It really ticks us both off. So we decided we weren't going to tell them for awhile because we just don't want to deal with the drama. I am now 16 weeks along.

 

I'm starting to wonder if they are going to be more angry than if we had told them earlier. What's hard is, if they choose to be MORE angry, I kind of feel like it will just be an excuse to be angry about the whole pregnancy in general. BUT, I'm starting to realize, there will never be a good time to tell them! Sigh.

 

 

 

YOU'RE HAVING ***MORE***

 

 

:smilielol5: :smilielol5: :smilielol5:

 

If you didn't know it yet, I'm TOTALLY kidding.

 

You know what? This is THEIR problem. I would not waste a single ounce of stress or worry over it. You and dh are happy, and who the heck cares about anyone else? I think it's wonderful, and I know how much more important I am. :lol: Seriously, DO NOT give this another thought. Not one. Be happy about that sweet little baby growing inside you, and NEVER let anyone else have the power to take away any of that joy!!!

 

CONGRATULATIONS!!!

[Denisemomof4]

Not that it matters. I just can't get my mind around a good reason to be mad about a new Grandbaby. I guess I have a relative who has been upset about a new grandbaby, but only because the parents both work full time and expect her to babysit all the grandchildren, and she's exhausted. But even that doesn't make sense to me because it seems like she should just bow out of the obligation.

 

Anyway, it's none of my business, but I am scratching my head. Grand babies are awesome:) Congratulations to you!

 

I probably would let Dh tell them soon, but would have him let them know that their negative comments will be unwelcome. So sad.

 

I know with my MIL it was about money. She was angry every time we had a kid, brought home another animal, or even if we spent money. :001_huh:

 

I also know my MIL was extremely jealous of my lifestyle. She was always angry and bitter that when she left the high life in Lithuania and came to live in the US, she no longer had maids. She not only had to work in the home, she had to also work full time at a paying job. She and her husband couldn't speak English, and they even had to live with other people for years. Dh is the only child born in the US, and they lived here for YEARS before they could scrape enough money up to buy a home. They both worked in factories, so money was always an issue. She was always angry that she had to work, and the day her husband died, dh was only 11. She got SO angry at him for dying and leaving her to raise dh alone. Dh ended up raising himself and had to run the house on his own. He did all the cooking, cleaning, and paying of bills at age 11. She carries this bitterness to this day. If anything, it's stronger. So sad. So she envies me because I'm a SAHM. You know, because I've SOOOOOOOOOOOO got the simple, plush life.:glare:

[5kidsforME]

YOU'RE HAVING ***MORE***

 

 

:smilielol5: :smilielol5: :smilielol5:

 

If you didn't know it yet, I'm TOTALLY kidding.

 

You know what? This is THEIR problem. I would not waste a single ounce of stress or worry over it. You and dh are happy, and who the heck cares about anyone else? I think it's wonderful, and I know how much more important I am. :lol: Seriously, DO NOT give this another thought. Not one. Be happy about that sweet little baby growing inside you, and NEVER let anyone else have the power to take away any of that joy!!!

 

CONGRATULATIONS!!!

 

:lol::lol:

 

Thanks. We are very happy, and yes, unfortunately, it is a stress on us. On one hand we don't care but for dh's sake I feel bad and he does too. Who doesn't want their parents to be happy for them? It is just the way they are. Believe me, with my first couple of children we let it stress us out a lot more.

 

It is only recently I have been dwelling on it and yes, stressing about it. Part of me feels like, are we being immature? Are we being mean? And, I have come to the conclusion it's none of those things. We just wish it would go away. :tongue_smilie:

 

It's the weirdest thing too, once the babies come, she's fine. She is not a baby person at all, but she doesn't speak mean about them either.

 

 

Thanks all for letting me talk/type it out! :001_smile:

[StephanieZ]

You don't owe them a thing. You are entirely within your reasonable rights to keep this to yourself. I think it would be A-OK to just send them a birth announcement. Or, maybe just let them notice the baby in next year's holiday card.

 

That you even speak to them regularly shows a great deal of generosity on your part.

 

Don't worry about them. They will say whatever nonsense they want to, and nothing you could do would change that. The later you tell them, the better, as it will simply give you that many more weeks/months free of the latest round of their nastiness.

 

BTW, CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!