Only for those who allow dating

[Laura Corin]

Please can we not debate dating? We think it's fine, we just want to work out rules that work for us.

 

So far we think:

- Dating at weekends/during holidays only, not interfering with school work/family life

- Not in bedrooms - all rooms to have open doors

- Family wanders through as necessary, but no constant supervision

- Texting/Facebook/email is fine so long as it doesn't interfere with other aspects of life, but we reserve the right to read things if we suspect physical/mental harm

- Going out together is fine, with or without friends

 

Any thoughts? We have had in-depth talks about life plans, relationships, sex, etc.

 

Laura

[Starr]

Your plans look good. What I've seen be really difficult is the "dating" every night. You know boys need their buddies and girls need their girl friends!

[Unicorn.]

You might add that if parents aren't home, they aren't allowed to be in each other's house. Calling if they are going to be late for some reason.

[ZooRho]

Dating with Integrity by John Holzman was interesting. It had some ideas. It has been a LONG time since I read it so I don't remember it all.

 

You might also want to consider limiting the use of the phone after bed time. Kids tend to be more emotional late at night.

[iamrachelle]

Thoughts.

 

I have them.:D

 

I would not allow her to date a young man unless you meet him first. And by meeting, I mean a family dinner together to get to know him a bit. If he can survive dinner with the parents he's probably got potential.

[ChristyB in TN]

I like it and I like that you are writing these down ahead of time. We didn't and my oldest son, who is away at college now, had a semi serious relationship with a girl before he left for school and the adjustment was difficult for all of us. We stayed aggravated with them constantly and found ourselves having to make rules while aggravated, not good. The rules may have been a little LOUD. :cursing: Those look like excellent rules.

[RoughCollie]

I turn off all internet access via my wireless router at 9:30 pm on school nights and at midnight on weekends and holidays. Otherwise, my kids will be up half the night and will be too tired to learn anything at school.

 

The curfews here are 8:30 pm on school nights (for extracurricular activities; not dating) and 11 pm on weekends. That way I don't have to worry as much about drunks on the road.

 

Group activities only until kids are 16, then regular dating is allowed.

 

At least one parent must be home and supervising (ie., not asleep and in the common area of the house) when my kids are there.

 

Guests are not allowed in bedrooms.

 

Couples are not allowed in the basement rec room unless siblings are present.

 

I check out the friends and their families on the internet. I am looking for arrests/convictions and other problems. Either DH or I meet the parents when we drive our children to their homes. I call the parents to have a chat about my expectations and the reasons for them. I mention consequences. For example, I require direct supervision to prevent problems with s*x, drugs, and drinking. Consequences: Decades of child support payments for the boy, and I will call the police and DEA if at any time I know my child has received drugs or alcohol at the friend's house. I make it plain that this is not an empty threat.

 

If I am not satisfied with the results of my efforts, my kids are not permitted to go to the people's house.

 

Mind you, where we live, all of this groundwork is necessary. A teen who is a nice person often has a family of criminals, drunks, and drug users. Those teens, unless we discover they engage in criminal activities, are welcome at our house, but my kids are forbidden to go to their houses.

 

Luckily, my kids don't have a problem with any of this, and their friends (with 3 exceptions in the past) are from good families.

Edited December 17, 2011 by RoughCollie

[AimeeM]

(pssst)

My parents had the "no couples in basement unless siblings are present" rule too.

It didn't help one stinkin' bit :D

We were a close knit group, us siblings; and as our parents had raised us well and we knew tattling was wrong... well... yeah.

I turn off all internet access via my wireless router at 9:30 pm on school nights and at midnight on weekends and holidays. Otherwise, my kids will be up half the night and will be too tired to learn anything at school.

 

The curfews here are 8:30 pm on school nights (for extracurricular activities; not dating) and 11 pm on weekends. That way I don't have to worry as much about drunks on the road.

 

Group activities only until kids are 16, then regular dating is allowed.

 

At least one parent must be home and supervising (ie., not asleep and in the common area of the house) when my kids are there.

 

Guests are not allowed in bedrooms.

 

Couples are not allowed in the basement rec room unless siblings are present.

 

I check out the friends and their families on the internet. I am looking for arrests and problems. Either DH or I meet the parents when we drive our children to their homes. I call the parents to have a chat about my expectations and the reasons for them. I mention consequences. For example, I require direct supervision to prevent problems with s*x, drugs, and drinking. Consequences: Decades of child support payments for the boy, and I will call the police and DEA if at any time I know my child has received drugs or alcohol at the friend's house.

 

If I am not satisfied with the results of my efforts, my kids are not permitted to go to the people's house.

 

Mind you, where we live, all of this groundwork is necessary. A teen who is a nice person often has a family of criminals, drunks, and drug users. Those teens, unless we discover they engage in criminal activities, are welcome at our house, but my kids are forbidden to go to their houses.

 

Luckily, my kids don't have a problem with any of this.

[Wheres Toto]

Please can we not debate dating? We think it's fine, we just want to work out rules that work for us.

 

So far we think:

- Dating at weekends/during holidays only, not interfering with school work/family life

- Not in bedrooms - all rooms to have open doors

- Family wanders through as necessary, but no constant supervision

- Texting/Facebook/email is fine so long as it doesn't interfere with other aspects of life, but we reserve the right to read things if we suspect physical/mental harm

- Going out together is fine, with or without friends

 

Any thoughts? We have had in-depth talks about life plans, relationships, sex, etc.

 

Laura

 

Sounds reasonable. We have similar rules for dd. She wasn't allowed to date until she was 16. She works and has dance most weeknights so that was never an issue. Her curfew is 11pm on non-school nights unless it's a special occasion - we've had a lot of sweet 16 parties lately. Those go later but with NJ rules they can't drive themselves so I have to pick-up.

 

We do allow them to hang in her bedroom sometimes for a few minutes before going out but her room opens directly off the living room (can hear everything) and she knows I can come in anytime. She has to have the door closed because her younger siblings are not allowed in her room - there is too much in there that is either breakable or dangerous for them. Depending on your set-up you may need to handle it differently.

 

She does Facebook, texting, etc. and we don't restrict but she knows I go on her facebook - with her sign-on so I see everything - and can check her phone at any time.

 

These are our rules since she is being very responsible with school, holding down a job, spending lots of time with her other friends, not getting too caught up in the relationship. She's been dating a boy for about 6 or 7 months. She was friends with him for years before they started dating and he doesn't go to her school (he's at her old school district). I think this helps keep things from getting too intense, they are not seeing each other every single day and spending loose time just hanging out. Between her cheer, dance, work, school schedule and his football, work, school schedule they kind of have to work at getting time together. He's important to her but not the ONLY thing in her life, KWIM?

 

We did address birth control in a non-judgmental way.

[BigMamaBird]

That sounds exactly like my parent's expectations. I turned out fine :D

 

My folks also had a rule about no phone after 9 p.m. and I had to be home by 11 p.m.

[HappyGrace]

My parents had all those rules and I was still sneaking around, doing what I wanted anyway. :tongue_smilie:

 

I think the dc's relationship with the parents such an important thing, and from what I know of you from here,it seems you have that.

 

We actually are considering courting, but I am not against dating. I want them to learn how to work this all out while still at home, before they go off to college, so some dating may have to happen so they can have our help at first. We are still trying to figure it all out. (dd just turned 12 so we have a little time).

 

I like your rules and they sound very reasonable. I think the most important thing is to not have an "us" (parents) vs. "them" (children) mentality. How about sitting down with your dc and making up the rules together so they feel invested in it and like you're all on the same team?

 

I just say this because I think that would have worked better for me when I was younger (that plus the solid relationship that wasn't there w/ my parents-they were very authoritarian).

 

Hopefully we are all raising our children to make good choices of their own accord. I definitely think rules like this for their protection (raging hormones and all that ;)) need to be in place though.

[RoughCollie]

(pssst)

My parents had the "no couples in basement unless siblings are present" rule too.

It didn't help one stinkin' bit :D

We were a close knit group, us siblings; and as our parents had raised us well and we knew tattling was wrong... well... yeah.

 

I know all about that. My dog and I make frequent trips to the basement when a group of kids is down there. There is plenty for me to do -- laundry, freezer, food storage. The dog wreaks havoc, which gives all the kids something to do to take their minds out of the gutter.

 

I have a floor vent in the dining room that goes nowhere. I can look through it and see the futon in the basement to check on the kids, too. The dog likes to watch and whine over the vent because he wants to be with the kids. It is especially fun when he has just had a drink and water drips off his beard onto the unsuspecting kids below.

Edited December 17, 2011 by RoughCollie

[Night Elf]

I didn't really need rules. I just played it by ear. Dd19's life was no more interrupted with texts/phone calls than with her girl friends. When the guys came over, they always hung out with the rest of family doing fun things like playing a video game or watching a tv show/movie. I can think of one guy in particular who got hooked on Doctor Who and he used to come over just to watch the shows on dvd. Another guy was particularly into video games and we had fun playing as a group or just watching one person play solo. I'm trying to think when she began hanging out in her room with a boy and I think it was about 17 but it seemed like no big deal.

 

Dd19 was in public school for 9th and 10th grades so talking to friends after school was just the norm. Homeschooling was different because her friends were inaccessible during the day, so afternoons and evenings were free time.

[ma23peas]

I think your rules sound great. We 'allow' dating at 16 but I have a 16 year old and he is just fine going out on group dates. We kind of talked about 'crushes' and how they come and go and you need to make sure you're asking the person out b/c you are interested in getting to know them better, not just how their looks make you 'feel'...with my girls I will be a bit different, I am old fashioned, my girls will not be 'calling' guys unless they call first...I will not let them ride with a teen driver until we feel VERY comfortable with them (probably 8-10 dates, that will wean many out!)...same with my son (who never wants to get his license...maybe dating will motivate that) but he can not drive anyone until he's logged many many thousands miles of driving.

 

In one week alone, a 17 year old was on a date with a 15 year old (both highly active amazing teens) and were killed instantly by a head on crash, so far no one knows who crossed the middle of the road. Then last night three girls were driving (both accidents happened before 8pm) and lost control and two died instantly...those kind of things have me horrified..I just have to learn to let go...eek!

[Laura Corin]

Luckily, one can't even go on the road as a learner-driver until one is 17 here, so there's a little more time for brains to mature before their possessors have their hands on deadly weapons. Most people don't pass their test until they are about 18. Young people still have many too many accidents though.

 

It's still normal for people to go off to university without a car so I hope my boys won't be driving regularly until they are in their twenties. Until then, they can go by bus or get on a bike.

 

Thanks

 

Laura

[Laura Corin]

Sounds eminently reasonable.

 

Have you discussed birth control and have you considered providing condoms?

 

My mother gave me a packet of condoms for my 16th birthday (age of consent for sexual activity). I'm considering doing the same for my boys, but I just can't imagine it right now. The eldest turns sixteen in just over a year.

 

Laura

[Ester Maria]

You guys all sound so... reasonable.

 

Last time DH and I attempted to tackle this topic, he was still of an opinion that, as a part of his first visit to our home, if unknown to our family, the boy ought to bring at the very least a copy of an ID / passport, a written statement about the non-existence of a personal criminal history (preferably stamped with the relevant authorities), and a medical confirmation that the he does not suffer from serious chronic or contageous health conditions, preferably along with the copy of immunization records. :lol: "Dating my daughter is a serious business!"

 

On a more serious note, I agree with the limitations discussed already (no closed doors, no driving involved, etc.), I would only make point to emphasize that the family modesty rules apply at all times and in all situations, and that they may only attend places we approve of (no hanging out in some obscure downtown pubs, for example). We must know the relevant contact information for a case of an emergency of any kind (the boy's full name, address, phone, parents' contacts).

[Hannah C.]

I know all about that. My dog and I make frequent trips to the basement when a group of kids is down there. There is plenty for me to do -- laundry, freezer, food storage. The dog wreaks havoc, which gives all the kids something to do to take their minds out of the gutter.

 

I have a floor vent in the dining room that goes nowhere. I can look through it and see the futon in the basement to check on the kids, too. The dog likes to watch and whine over the vent because he wants to be with the kids. It is especially fun when he has just had a drink and water drips off his beard onto the unsuspecting kids below.

 

I LOVE this. :D

[Audrey]

Please can we not debate dating? We think it's fine, we just want to work out rules that work for us.

 

So far we think:

- Dating at weekends/during holidays only, not interfering with school work/family life

- Not in bedrooms - all rooms to have open doors

- Family wanders through as necessary, but no constant supervision

- Texting/Facebook/email is fine so long as it doesn't interfere with other aspects of life, but we reserve the right to read things if we suspect physical/mental harm

- Going out together is fine, with or without friends

 

Any thoughts? We have had in-depth talks about life plans, relationships, sex, etc.

 

Laura

 

 

Very reasonable. I might suggest adding in some discussion on transportation. If your son(s) cannot drive then who is responsible or whom may they call for rides and what parameters do you expect for that? For example, if they are out and will not have a ride home, how late may they call for a pick up? This kind of goes hand-in-hand with curfews.

[EKS]

I know all about that. My dog and I make frequent trips to the basement when a group of kids is down there. There is plenty for me to do -- laundry, freezer, food storage. The dog wreaks havoc, which gives all the kids something to do to take their minds out of the gutter.

 

I have a floor vent in the dining room that goes nowhere. I can look through it and see the futon in the basement to check on the kids, too. The dog likes to watch and whine over the vent because he wants to be with the kids. It is especially fun when he has just had a drink and water drips off his beard onto the unsuspecting kids below.

 

:lol:

[Ottakee]

I know you have boys but I think that you should make it clear to the kids that if they EVER get into a situation they don't feel comfortable in they can call you (even with a code message--or act like they are returning your call) and you will come get them NO QUESTIONS ASKED at that point. That way if they feel pressured or end up where there is drugs/drinking/etc. they can use you as the "evil" one that is making them come home and you will come get them right away.

 

This might be more for the girls than the boys, but I think the "s*x" talk needs to be more than just the mechanics and "don't" if that is your belief but really about thinking through setting limits of how far is too far, how to protect yourself from going too far, how the emotional baggage and possibly STDs can be much worse than an unplanned pregnancy, and that for girls, they will have desires as well (maybe not as strong as the boys) that need to be addressed.

 

I was a very "good" kid and basically had no rules but my mom never talked to me about these things and how certain situations are more inviting for trouble than others, etc. The basic talk was DON"T and that was it.

[tex-mex]

I know all about that. My dog and I make frequent trips to the basement when a group of kids is down there. There is plenty for me to do -- laundry, freezer, food storage. The dog wreaks havoc, which gives all the kids something to do to take their minds out of the gutter.

 

I have a floor vent in the dining room that goes nowhere. I can look through it and see the futon in the basement to check on the kids, too. The dog likes to watch and whine over the vent because he wants to be with the kids. It is especially fun when he has just had a drink and water drips off his beard onto the unsuspecting kids below.

Brilliant.

 

If it were me, I'd train the dog to chase after a small toy or ball -- that I innocently toss down the basement stairs. Heheheheeee. ;)

[elizabeth]

Condom use discussion that is totally honest and 100% accurate regarding failure and why failure can happen and that unplanned pregnancy is but one of the possible outcomes. If it does not save his life, the information may spare a friend from life threatening diseases. I had no idea how little our daughter gleaned from the text we were using until we had a very no holds barred discussion on the subject. 6 months later we are still talking quite unabashedly about a number of issues including drinking and gender, informed consent, sexual abuse, commitment and the like. That conversation was a doozy but after THAT nothing was too embarrassing or awkward. My daughter has no interest in dating but when she does she will not be wearing rose colored glasses or ignorant about the reality/responsiblity that involves.

[tex-mex]

Condom use discussion that is totally honest and 100% accurate regarding failure and why failure can happen and that unplanned pregnancy is but one of the possible outcomes. If it does not save his life, the information may spare a friend from life threatening diseases. I had no idea how little our daughter gleaned from the text we were using until we had a very no holds barred discussion on the subject. 6 months later we are still talking quite unabashedly about a number of issues including drinking and gender, informed consent, sexual abuse, commitment and the like. That conversation was a doozy but after THAT nothing was too embarrassing or awkward. My daughter has no interest in dating but when she does she will not be wearing rose colored glasses or ignorant about the reality/responsiblity that involves.

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

[Donna]

Your rules are very similar to mine. I do not allow dating until 16yo. My ds just turned 16 a few weeks ago and lucky for me wrestling season started and he is much more interested in that at the moment. So he has had a girl over to the house and went to a girl's house once. I like to meet the girls before he dates them and like for him to meet the girl's parents as well.

 

We have lots of talks about behaving responsibly. There comes a time when you have to trust that you've brought your child up to make good choices. My boys have a friend whose sister got pregnant as a hs senior last year. As bad as the situation was for the family, it did provide lots of opportunity to talk and discuss how sometimes things happen even to those who think they are taking all the precautions.