S/o of Marrying young/compatibility

[Murphy101]

That firmness can be awful for a marriage too tho. People change their minds, grow different spiritually, learn something new about themselves and so forth. And when one or both stays entrenched and firmly unyielding - that can be a recipe for disaster.

 

My dad was married for 35+ years.

Second marriage ended in a year. He said it was just too hard for either of them to change. And they just didn't want to.

 

He isn't the only person we have seen do that.

 

I'm not being argumentative. I just think that a good marriage has less to do with age of marriage than people think. It's not as though people married at 25 or 35 for the first time (or second) have some awesome success rate either.

 

It's not like when dh and I married at 19, I'd never been attracted to other men, had no opinions of my own or whatever. Sure I've changed and grown over the years, but so has he.

 

I have no regrets about marrying young. It's been financially rough in many ways but I can't say that would have changed if we'd just been older. If anything it is a lot easier to recover when younger.

 

I won't encourage my kids to marry young. But if they happen to meet the love of their life at 18 instead of 28? I'm not going to discourage them either.

[Murphy101]

The thing about people who refuse to get real about themselves is they are also people who likely aren't going to get real discussion on that checklist. Getting real takes being at a point in life where they can accept it or having a natural disposition in that direction.

[I.Dup.]

But Martha, when someone is 16, 17, 18 (the age when many of our grandparents and great grandparents got married) they didn't KNOW themselves well enough to "get real." I married at barely 19, I was just barely figuring things out!

 

I am not saying that marrying young is not a good idea. That's what I did and it's been one of the best things to ever happen to me. It was SO HARD but we hung in there and grew up together, and there is a special blessing in that. I think there are many advantages to marrying young. But I don't believe that thinking through things rationally, taking a lot of time on decisions, and thinking with our brains is a mark of the young. It's only the grace of God that my husband didn't turn out to be a total sociopath because I barely knew him at all when we married, LOL! (or for him, that I wasn't!)

[Scarlett]

That firmness can be awful for a marriage too tho. People change their minds, grow different spiritually, learn something new about themselves and so forth. And when one or both stays entrenched and firmly unyielding - that can be a recipe for disaster.

 

My dad was married for 35+ years.

Second marriage ended in a year. He said it was just too hard for either of them to change. And they just didn't want to.

 

He isn't the only person we have seen do that.

 

I'm not being argumentative. I just think that a good marriage has less to do with age of marriage than people think. It's not as though people married at 25 or 35 for the first time (or second) have some awesome success rate either.

 

It's not like when dh and I married at 19, I'd never been attracted to other men, had no opinions of my own or whatever. Sure I've changed and grown over the years, but so has he.

 

I have no regrets about marrying young. It's been financially rough in many ways but I can't say that would have changed if we'd just been older. If anything it is a lot easier to recover when younger.

 

I won't encourage my kids to marry young. But if they happen to meet the love of their life at 18 instead of 28? I'm not going to discourage them either.

 

I don't think we are disagreeing on this. I am not against young marriages and in fact was proud of my young marriage reaching 25 years. Anyone who has paid much attention knows it was not a very good marriage and I guess I just need answers for myself on how I ended up with someone so wrong for me.

 

You are on to something about who will and will not try to sort thru a list of qualities......my xh is fundamentally incapable of introspection...he couldn't be honest with me because he couldn't be honest with himself. So that leaves us with helping our kids to see thru the dishonest types and guide them into being an honest person themselves.

 

 

[Juniper]

But Martha, when someone is 16, 17, 18 (the age when many of our grandparents and great grandparents got married) they didn't KNOW themselves well enough to "get real." I married at barely 19, I was just barely figuring things out!

 

I am not saying that marrying young is not a good idea. That's what I did and it's been one of the best things to ever happen to me. It was SO HARD but we hung in there and grew up together, and there is a special blessing in that. I think there are many advantages to marrying young. But I don't believe that thinking through things rationally, taking a lot of time on decisions, and thinking with our brains is a mark of the young. It's only the grace of God that my husband didn't turn out to be a total sociopath because I barely knew him at all when we married, LOL! (or for him, that I wasn't!)

 

I married at 19 and knew myself very well. Granted, that was because of quite a few bad choices I had made. A checklist like in the OP would not have helped me, in fact it really might have hurt me.

 

Eventually, by 18 I did have a checklist, but it was my personal non-negotionables. These were things related to character and core simplified values (not religious, but did he want children eventually type things). Truthfully, I think almost all of those things have been altered in the course of our marriage, some by him and some by me. We have changed. So, why is he still the most amazing man I could be married to? Well, there were two values in both of us that have not changed. 1. commitment (although I have wavered) and 2. a willingness to work (seeing his willingness stopped my wavering.)

 

I do not like the checklist in the op. But, I do like the idea of gently guiding young people into some hard thinking about what they will not and could not settle for in a spouse. Everything after that is gravy. ;)

[Scarlett]

It took me unill my late 20s to create my top ten wish list. At that point it was a Wish list because I was still married. Then I got my get out of jail free card and would you believe I forgot about my list temporarily? After a near miss I pulled out my list and FOCUSED hard on MY wants and needs. Shortly thereafter I met my dh and believe you me went over my lst with a fine tooth comb.

 

My top ten list has little to do with the list in my op. I guess everyone needs their own list.

[Joker]

 

My top ten list has little to do with the list in my op. I guess everyone needs their own list.

 

I never had a list because I didn't know what I wanted until I found it. :tongue_smilie: I married young but I knew myself. I had been working, supporting myself, and living on my own for two years before I met dh. I had also moved cross country by myself. There was no list, but we talked about the important things when we became serious. We agreed on those things, but even some of those changed along the way. We changed, for the most part, together though. One may have reached a different point sooner than the other, but the other always ended up there too.

[justamouse]

 

 

I don't think it's necessarily about thinking they know everything (although of course we all did) but just a lack of wisdom and the power of hormones. If we all waited until everything had perfect conditions and we waited for the perfect spouse with all of the right qualities, I doubt very many of us would be married. Hormones are a powerful thing. I think older people are probably better about picking spouses, with the wisdom they've gained and the lack of hormones compared to younger people. :p

 

 

It think it's also an evolutionary biological response. Whether we like to admit it or not. We are wried to access their smell, their facial construct, their health, then you have default setting of our own upbringing and what we're trained to like, then we also have hormonal differences we adjust so such as the pill.

[Murphy101]

Me too, Juniper. I'm not sure why an 18 year old wouldn't know themselves. What have they been doing for 18 years? Obviously maybe not as well as 28 years, but they should know some rather basic important things. Do they want kids? Is college important to them? Religion? Can they stand being in the same room with his family for a holiday?

 

I don't think kids these days are particularly sheltered from sex and relationships, so this idea that they don't know some very basic things about themselves rings as not very likely to me.

 

Tho I do see to some extent how that is possible bc very few parents seem to have repeated talks about what to look for in relationships with their kids. We have been having those talks for many years. So even if our kids don't have a solid idea of themselves, we have given them a framework to guide them.

 

Too many people let their kids date like it's fun and games, then act surprised when it gets serious and that is when all of a sudden they want to talk about how awful and unreal or whatever young love supposedly is. Bit late at that point imnsho.

 

 

[Dory]

By that list my dh and I should never have married. I picked him because his strengths were in areas where I needed someone to balance me out. We are 13 years apart. Our IQ's are not as close as what that list suggests. We don't enjoy the same hobbies. He comes from a Christian background and I come from a Jewish background. The only thing that we really have the same is that we are both somewhat on the introvert side. I like it because I don't ever get so relaxed that I forget to put work into my marriage. The only thing that I would say never to do, is to marry someone who is substantially older than you. That is where a lot of our marriage problems have stemmed from.

[Mrs Mungo]

Maybe. But I would have to be living in a vacuum to not see that kind of person all around me including some of them marrying into my family and my best friends. Age equals experience.

 

 

Not necessarily. Different people have *different* experiences at *different* times in their lives.

 

Yeah I agree there are plenty of people with bad pickers! But that is what am talking about....people refusing to get real about themselves, what they need and what they can provide.

 

 

But, some people do a good job at picking men, even at a young age. My best friend was terrible when we were younger. We both knew she was picking men who would be mean and cruel to her. She had to learn to like herself before she picked someone worthy of her. But, her journey has little to do with anyone else's journey.

 

But Martha, when someone is 16, 17, 18 (the age when many of our grandparents and great grandparents got married) they didn't KNOW themselves well enough to "get real." I married at barely 19, I was just barely figuring things out!

 

 

Some people DO know themselves at a young age and some people NEVER know themselves.

 

I guess I just need answers for myself on how I ended up with someone so wrong for me.

 

 

But, I think that is what Martha is trying to point out. You're trying to figure out what you did wrong. What if you didn't do anything wrong? What if crap happens, some people suck and we CANNOT actually control it? You're trying to control something that cannot necessarily controlled, *and* you're then trying extrapolate your experiences to apply it to everyone. I just don't think things work that way.

 

I think you can tick the boxes on these types of lists all day long and it's no guarantee of a happy or lasting marriage. You can do everything "wrong" according to these lists and have a wonderful, lasting marriage.

 

We just cannot predict the future. What if you have similar energy until one of you develops a medical problem that saps their energy? Are you bound for divorce at that point or can you work it out? Some people will work it out and some people will divorce. We cannot always predict how people will act in a given situation.

[Scarlett]

But, I think that is what Martha is trying to point out. You're trying to figure out what you did wrong. What if you didn't do anything wrong? What if crap happens, some people suck and we CANNOT actually control it? You're trying to control something that cannot necessarily controlled, *and* you're then trying extrapolate your experiences to apply it to everyone. I just don't think things work that way.

 

Thanks! :) Some people do actually suck don't they?

 

I think you can tick the boxes on these types of lists all day long and it's no guarantee of a happy or lasting marriage. You can do everything "wrong" according to these lists and have a wonderful, lasting marriage.

 

Oh, I hope I didn't come across as thinking everyone had to go by a certain 'list'. As I said, my own list had little to do with the list in my OP. Many people have said, 'there was no list', but then went on to 'list' what they were looking for....some of us have written lists and some of us have mental lists I guess.

 

We just cannot predict the future. What if you have similar energy until one of you develops a medical problem that saps their energy? Are you bound for divorce at that point or can you work it out? Some people will work it out and some people will divorce. We cannot always predict how people will act in a given situation.

 

I guess the point of the list, of anyone's list, was not a die hard set of rules...because yeah, life changes,circumstances change. But it is a good place to start for those interested in thinking through what they want and what is important to them. For instance, you might be a super smart academic, but not care if your mate is less academic as long as he knows how to read and carry on a conversation.

[Scarlett]

 

Some people DO know themselves at a young age and some people NEVER know themselves.

 

Yes, but how do we avoid hooking up with people who will never know themselves? My dh and I both feel that we DID know ourselves when we were 18, but we somehow chose mates who abandoned their faith and their entire way of life and blew up their children's lives.

 

I guess THAT is what I want to help my son avoid.

 

And part of that comes back to the committment to the marriage that Martha has mentioned. My dh and I were both committted to our marriages even when it became apparent that those first mates were NOT the people they claimed to be. If THEY had remained committed to the marriage even when they discovered they wanted other things in life...well, there would not have been a divorce.

[Mrs Mungo]

Oh, I hope I didn't come across as thinking everyone had to go by a certain 'list'. As I said, my own list had little to do with the list in my OP. Many people have said, 'there was no list', but then went on to 'list' what they were looking for....some of us have written lists and some of us have mental lists I guess.

 

I definitely had a list back when I was dating at 18, 19 years old. It was more of a list of the types of people I didn't continue to date. I didn't date guys who: smoked, drank to excess, tried to drink and drive, pressured me to go home with them (especially on a first or second date), were stupid, had no ambition, etc. I knew what *I* wanted and I knew I would need to be partnered with a certain type of person to make that work. Now, did everything go according to my plans? Most definitely *not*, LOL. But, did marrying the type of person to fulfill those plans mean that we worked out other plans that have worked? Yes. BUT, I don't pretend that it all could not have gone badly at some point. Because I know it could. I believe that a good marriage takes a concerted effort of two people to be checking in with one another and making sure that it's working on some level. Nothing will ever be perfect, but that it is fulfilling and we are happy.

 

I guess the point of the list, of anyone's list, was not a die hard set of rules...because yeah, life changes,circumstances change. But it is a good place to start for those interested in thinking through what they want and what is important to them. For instance, you might be a super smart academic, but not care if your mate is less academic as long as he knows how to read and carry on a conversation.

 

Right. I will say that we've both had our IQs tested and we test almost exactly the same. But, we miss different types of questions. There are things that come easily to me that don't come easily to him and vice versa. That means we work in a very symbiotic fashion most of the time.

 

Yes, but how do we avoid hooking up with people who will never know themselves? My dh and I both feel that we DID know ourselves when we were 18, but we somehow chose mates who abandoned their faith and their entire way of life and blew up their children's lives.

 

I guess THAT is what I want to help my son avoid.

 

Ultimately, I think that's the one thing you can't do. And that's what I'm saying. You (general you) can do all the right things and still have everything fall apart for reasons that are out of your hands.

[gardenmom5]

I married at 19 and knew myself very well. Granted, that was because of quite a few bad choices I had made. I did have a checklist, but it was my personal non-negotionables. These were things related to character and core simplified values

 

I also knew myself pretty well when I married, even though I was still short of 20. I had also watched family members make some exceedingly poor choices and where those led them. I knew what my core most important thing I wanted was even at 18. (and no, it's not on that list, but has stood the test of time.) It is about character - and above all, do they hold the same values and can you trust them implicitly? (without trust, everything else is moot.)

 

The only thing that I would say never to do, is to marry someone who is substantially older than you. That is where a lot of our marriage problems have stemmed from.

My dh is nearly 15 years older than me, and our age difference has never been a problem. we've had other challenges , but never age related.

 

Yes, but how do we avoid hooking up with people who will never know themselves? My dh and I both feel that we DID know ourselves when we were 18, but we somehow chose mates who abandoned their faith and their entire way of life and blew up their children's lives. I guess THAT is what I want to help my son avoid. And part of that comes back to the committment to the marriage that Martha has mentioned. My dh and I were both committted to our marriages even when it became apparent that those first mates were NOT the people they claimed to be. If THEY had remained committed to the marriage even when they discovered they wanted other things in life...well, there would not have been a divorce.

I don't know that it's possible to "avoid hooking up with people who will never know themselves".. the other thing you must consider - people do change. sometimes people simply diverge significantly in ways you cannot foresee.

I socially know a marriage/family counselor who has often commented that "it takes two people to be married, and one person to be divorced." again, people change. sometimes for the better, and sometimes for the worst.

[Murphy101]

Yes, but how do we avoid hooking up with people who will never know themselves? My dh and I both feel that we DID know ourselves when we were 18, but we somehow chose mates who abandoned their faith and their entire way of life and blew up their children's lives.

I guess THAT is what I want to help my son avoid.

 

Well that could have gone the other way too. Neither of us were really religious when we married. Then after baby number 3, I converted to RC and brought the kids with me. I will be completely honest and say if dh had been the one to convert, it might hae ruined our marriage. He handles it much much better than I would if it were reversed. But make no mistake many a marriage fails because one of them becomes more religious than the other is comfortable with too.

 

And for us, it boiled down to this:

 

And part of that comes back to the committment to the marriage that Martha has mentioned. My dh and I were both committted to our marriages even when it became apparent that those first mates were NOT the people they claimed to be. If THEY had remained committed to the marriage even when they discovered they wanted other things in life...well, there would not have been a divorce.

 

 

Yes. Commitment. And a general good will towards each other. Even when dh and I strongly disagree, we trust that we each have good will towards the other.

[Melissa in Australia]

I am in a very happy long term marriage. we are just about to have our 20th anniversary.

your points

1. Intelligence ~ DH is way more intelligent than me. He has been tested, he comes out in the high Superior range around 139. I have not had a formal test, but know I would only come out in the above average.

 

2.Energy ~ We are probably pretty evenly matched on this one.

 

3. Social interests ~ DH is the type of person that needs to converse with a large amount of people. I don't need people around me. Unfortunately for DH, his MCS means that he has to isolate himself from people.

 

4. Cultural background~ We come from completely different cultural backgrounds. He is Canadian, I am Australian. HE grew up celebrating Christmas, I didn't, He grew up i a family where the children could do anything they wanted. I grew up in a extremely conservative and restrictive religious household.He grew up in a family that show no physical affection. I grew up in a house where my dad was absolutely crazy about giving mum hugs all the time.

 

5. Moral values ~DH grew up in a family were things like sex before marriage was OK. having casual relationships with complete strangers was OK taking drugs was OK. I grew up in a household where all these things are BAD.

 

So according to your list, our marriage wouldn't work.

The reason our marriage works is because both my DH and I firmly believes that we are perfectly suited for each other. We love working together to achieve goals. We have very similar views on important things like money management, how to bring up children, and a common interest in trying to live a self sufficient lifestyle, and we are madly in love with each other.

Te moral issues are not a problem in our relationship. DH had decided BEFROE I MET HIM that his upbringing was not so good in this regard and had already changed himself . I think DH sometimes finds my lack of understanding some of his intelligent conversations a bit frustrating.

We compliment each other.

[Scarlett]

I am in a very happy long term marriage. we are just about to have our 20th anniversary.

your points

1. Intelligence ~ DH is way more intelligent than me. He has been tested, he comes out in the high Superior range around 139. I have not had a formal test, but know I would only come out in the above average.

 

2.Energy ~ We are probably pretty evenly matched on this one.

 

3. Social interests ~ DH is the type of person that needs to converse with a large amount of people. I don't need people around me. Unfortunately for DH, his MCS means that he has to isolate himself from people.

 

4. Cultural background~ We come from completely different cultural backgrounds. He is Canadian, I am Australian. HE grew up celebrating Christmas, I didn't, He grew up i a family where the children could do anything they wanted. I grew up in a extremely conservative and restrictive religious household.He grew up in a family that show no physical affection. I grew up in a house where my dad was absolutely crazy about giving mum hugs all the time.

 

5. Moral values ~DH grew up in a family were things like sex before marriage was OK. having casual relationships with complete strangers was OK taking drugs was OK. I grew up in a household where all these things are BAD.

 

So according to your list, our marriage wouldn't work.

The reason our marriage works is because both my DH and I firmly believes that we are perfectly suited for each other. We love working together to achieve goals. We have very similar views on important things like money management, how to bring up children, and a common interest in trying to live a self sufficient lifestyle, and we are madly in love with each other.

Te moral issues are not a problem in our relationship. DH had decided BEFROE I MET HIM that his upbringing was not so good in this regard and had already changed himself . I think DH sometimes finds my lack of understanding some of his intelligent conversations a bit frustrating.

We compliment each other.

 

 

 

I don't see enough differences in what you described to think you wouldn't make it even according to 'the list'....

 

I noticed a great many of you think you and your spouse have different intelligence levels but only one has been tested.

[Melissa in Australia]

I don't see enough differences in what you described to think you wouldn't make it even according to 'the list'....

 

I noticed a great many of you think you and your spouse have different intelligence levels but only one has been tested.

 

having a IQ test is extremely expensive. DH had one when he was getting assessed after his workplace accident. We had DS18 tested when he was getting his formal diagnoses of Dyslexia for uni. It costs close to $400.

I am in no rush to spend $400 just to find out my IQ. I have done heaps of those just for fun Internet IQ tests. they are nothing like a formal IQ test that takes about 3 hours to complete and are done by a psychologist.

[Scarlett]

 

 

having a IQ test is extremely expensive. DH had one when he was getting assessed after his workplace accident. We had DS18 tested when he was getting his formal diagnoses of Dyslexia for uni. It costs close to $400.

I am in no rush to spend $400 just to find out my IQ. I have done heaps of those just for fun Internet IQ tests. they are nothing like a formal IQ test that takes about 3 hours to complete and are done by a psychologist.

 

I know. I am not suggesting we all run out and be tested...I am just saying you all might be closer to your mate than you know.

[Rosie_0801]

Yes, but how do we avoid hooking up with people who will never know themselves? My dh and I both feel that we DID know ourselves when we were 18, but we somehow chose mates who abandoned their faith and their entire way of life and blew up their children's lives.

 

By comparing what they say with what they do, I think. By not being too generous with excuses like "it'll be better when he graduates" and "it'll be better once he's over the stress of the first year?" The latter is tricky, because they are quite reasonable things. With a good spouse, things really will be better when those things come to fruition. WIth a not so good spouse, a run of bad luck and one or two less than stellar decisions, and you are years down the track before the "it'll be better" reasons run out and you realise they were more excuse than reason.

 

My dh and I were both committted to our marriages even when it became apparent that those first mates were NOT the people they claimed to be. If THEY had remained committed to the marriage even when they discovered they wanted other things in life...well, there would not have been a divorce.

 

 

In the case of my ex, there was nothing he could do about himself. He has brain chemistry problems and a character trait or two that make me think of sci fi shows with alien worm implants that have self shielding mechanisms so the host won't and can't find them. My ex and I could have committed to staying miserable together for the rest of our lives. Hey, it'd been years already. But it wouldn't have done either of us any good. You and I may both wish our exes had been better men so we could have stayed married, but divorce has been way better for us than staying married to the smeggers and the example we are setting to our children is far less bad than staying miserably married to people who deliberately or accidentally treated us badly. There are worse things than divorce, and one of those things is allowing us to be trained into worse people than we were to begin with. It's not committment to our marriages we needed. Both of us had blokes who would have stayed married to us. What we needed was their committment to being what we considered a good person. Or in my case, what he considered a good person.

 

So I think Mrs Mungo is right and there are some things you can't know without foresight.

[LaughingCat]

1. Intelligence. You and he should be roughly equivalent in intelligence, within about 15 IQ points. .. But if there is a large gap between you in IQ, both of you will tend to be bored by your conversation. The one with the highest IQ will find the conversation to be superficial, and the one with the lowest IQ won't be able to keep up.

 

 

The thing I really don't get about this one is it seems so specific - the whole idea that you will be bored by most conversation with someone not within 15 points of your IQ seems extreme. Maybe I just have low expectations, but I think most conversations are about interests or daily inanities. And the people who will be able to keep up in a conversation about your interests are those who are also interested/knowledgeable in that area - not necessarily those with an IQ within 15 points of yours. Also, the whole introvert/extrovert type applies here as well- some people are just more 'internally focused' than others and don't need as much outside high-stimulus conversation.

 

I noticed a great many of you think you and your spouse have different intelligence levels but only one has been tested.

 

 

Well, I know DH's vocabulary is not nearly as extensive as mine and I didn't need for both of us to take a wordsum test to know it, so clearly there are other ways of telling relative IQ other than a formal IQ test. I do fall into the "think my IQ is higher than DH's without IQ tests" camp - I think he is smart and I am really smart :smilielol5: -- but we certainly could still fall within 15 points of each other since I have no real conception of scale, only of relative smartness - which is what I would expect to be true for most people (unless they happen to know the IQ of a lot of different people).

[Scarlett]

 

The thing I really don't get about this one is it seems so specific - the whole idea that you will be bored by most conversation with someone not within 15 points of your IQ seems extreme. Maybe I just have low expectations, but I think most conversations are about interests or daily inanities. And the people who will be able to keep up in a conversation about your interests are those who are also interested/knowledgeable in that area - not necessarily those with an IQ within 15 points of yours. Also, the whole introvert/extrovert type applies here as well- some people are just more 'internally focused' than others and don't need as much outside high-stimulus .

 

 

I agree. 15 points is very specific...but I've said before this author has some good ideas but leans toward extreme.

[gardenmom5]

By comparing what they say with what they do, I think.

oh my goodness absolutely. I have a relative whose constant refrain of "do as I say, not as I do". when i was a teen really got me watching people's behavior and noticing if they were in reasonable harmony with their words. I learned to adjust my expecations of someone's behavior/follow-through based upon how closely their words and actions correlated.

[kalanamak]

The thing I really don't get about this one is it seems so specific - the whole idea that you will be bored by most conversation with someone not within 15 points of your IQ seems extreme. Maybe I just have low expectations, but I think most conversations are about interests or daily inanities.

 

To me, intelligent people should not be easily bored, and should adapt their stride to those less quick. Otherwise, your superior intelligence is just a stupid number on a piece of paper somewhere.

[AKshanmar]

LOL... I don't think this applies to us! We fall in the "opposites attract" category! We were 20 & 22 when we married, and we just celebrated our 22nd anniversary.

 

Intelligence... I don't know either of our IQ's... but he has a curious mix of brilliance that doesn't always fit reality, but sometimes exceeds it. I am really smart, but I can't remember anything that I know. (Ha ha ha... really).

 

Energy...Oh boy... If I had the energy he has, there would be an explosion. He once told me that he "envied my ability to do nothing". I really don't know what that was....

 

Social... pretty equal. I'm more extroverted than he is. He finds people to slow most of the time. But if I manage to get him there, he usually enjoys himself. But I don't mind just staying home.

 

Cultural... somewhat similar. Dad's both came from farming families, and tried to raise themselves above it. My mom was wealthy and educated. His mom, just educated.

 

Morals... our faith is the basis of our relationship, and what has held us together for 22 years. We often approach it from different directions, but it is the most important thing.

[AKshanmar]

I can't get past that part about how you're only allowed to do things both partners can enthusiastically support.... I've been with DH for 20+ years and we each do plenty of things the other person is entirely neutral about, and a few things the other person wishes flat out we would not do....I think learning how to compromise and allowing your partner to be who they really are is just as important to 'compatibility' as shared culture, values, etc.

 

I agree with you....My dh Loves hockey. I can enjoy it, but if I had my choice, I would stay home and read a book! But my relationship is more important... so off to the game I go. A lot of the time it is me doing things that are important to him, but, he cares more, and I am a people pleaser. So I do those things. It adds depth to our relationship, that would be lost if I chose "me" over "us".

[Reya]

I'm in a mixed-race, mixed-culture marriage. Guess we shouldn't have married then, huh?

[LucyStoner]

My husband and I married young (21) and have been together since we were 19. We have maybe 2, likely only one, of those things in that list in common.

 

Our marriage has divergent cultural/religious backgrounds, 1 introvert and 1 extrovert and differing levels of energy. His IQ likely outstrips mine by a fair amount. We share similar moral values however.

 

I definitely married the man I bargained for, despite having married him when we were both still more adolescent than adult.

[kalanamak]

I'm in a mixed-race, mixed-culture marriage. Guess we shouldn't have married then, huh?

 

When ignorant-of-the-personalities-involved people told me it was inevitable my ex and I broke up because of our different backgrounds, I replied yes: he was a mainstream American who wanted a big car, a big TV, and a trip to Florida for vacation, and I was old school European who wanted a garden, a good book, a good dog, and walk in the woods.

 

ETA: what they meant is that he was born in India and I was born in the US.

[Reya]

My mother married when she was 19. My parents are still married now, 38 years later.

 

My next-door-neighbor's parents marred when she was 17 and he was 19. He passed away last year. They had been married for over 40 years.

 

It's a lot less to do about age than many, many other things.

[Scarlett]

I'm in a mixed-race, mixed-culture marriage. Guess we shouldn't have married then, huh?

 

 

I guess this was said tongue in cheek, but suggesting ways to help increase the odds of a good match in no way is meant to diminish existing marriages that do not fit the suggestion. If it works for you great! The main point is not that every relationship has to fit into some narrow box, but rather be aware of your needs, wants and abilities.

[annandatje]

Thanks, Scarlett, for the posting the questions about potential marriages. I shared them with my young adult children, and it sparked a long, interesting conversation about what they expect from marriage and any potential partners. Even though none of the kids are religious, the questions and article still were a useful tool for them.