perfectionists...how do you cope with small children?

[caedmyn]

I get so frustrated...I try to plan for things to go a certain way and of course they never do. I'd like to have at least somewhat well behaved young children instead of little hellions. Clearly being a perfectionist is not a helpful quality as a parent! How do you put aside those perfectionist tendencies and deal with the real, very messy, loud, chaotic, and frustrating world of small children?

[Snickerdoodle]

I took them outside as much as possible even in inclement weather.

 

The outdoors is incredibly soothing for children for some reason.

[treestarfae]

Realize that you yourself did the same things at that age. Read some books about developmental stages if you don't like surprises. Try to lighten up and not get overwhelmed at minor issues.

[DusksAngel]

I try to remember that this is normal and to relax. I remind myself that I want them to remember us doing fun stuff together. I try to laugh before yelling or screaming (not always to successful at this). But mostly, I ask for patience and to be the best mother I can to these wonderful children.

[Susan in KY]

I get so frustrated...I try to plan for things to go a certain way and of course they never do. I'd like to have at least somewhat well behaved young children instead of little hellions. Clearly being a perfectionist is not a helpful quality as a parent! How do you put aside those perfectionist tendencies and deal with the real, very messy, loud, chaotic, and frustrating world of small children?

 

You don't remain a perfectionist, that's how. imo, the intent of designing children small to begin with was so the parent has time to fix as many personal flaws as possible before adolescence hits. :tongue_smilie: Then, we get to work on the rest of them. *sigh*

 

 

 

:D

[Lara in Colo]

Take a long hard look at yourself.

 

Think about what really matters (to you as well)

 

Make compromises.

 

Take a look at how the children see you and how they will remember you.

 

How do you want to be remembered?

Laughing? Screaming? Playful? Resentful?

Always look at yourself through their eyes and try to be the mother you want them to be to your grandchildren.

 

Find ways to be fun, yet still hold your standards. (for instance I let the children finger paint all over the shower---they have fun, I hose the whole thing off)

 

compromise some more. They have to respect boundaries too.

compromise again

 

Constantly update the boundaries vs the fun.

[redsquirrel]

First remind yourself on an regular basis, "I cannot control people. I cannot control life. People are not perfect. I am not perfect. We are here to discover each other."

 

Life with children is not a steady march. It is more like a roller coaster and it is better just to submit to the wild ride.

 

Look, you only have them for a few short years. How to you want them to remember their growing up? Was it spend worrying they were a disappointment to their mother? Were they always feeling like they bothered her? Like she loved them but wished they were somewhere else? Or do you want them to have happy memories of fun times, great stories of 'what a mess we made that time' and saying things like "yeah, my mom is great. I don't know how she put up with all our craziness, but she did. She just laughed when things didn't go as planned."

[Amy in NH]

Read books on parenting young children and then change your expectations. I strongly recommend Positive Discipline for Preschoolers, even if the kids are a bit older or younger than that.

 

Recognize that you are really only in control of yourself and your own behaviors and reactions. Try to see the world through their eyes and join them in wonder and exploration.

[LaxMom]

You don't remain a perfectionist, that's how. imo, the intent of designing children small to begin with was so the parent has time to fix as many personal flaws as possible before adolescence hits. :tongue_smilie: Then, we get to work on the rest of them. *sigh*

 

 

 

:D

 

Yuh. That's it. (which, incidentally, has not kept me from developing an eye twitch and step outside to breathe deeply on many occasions)

[meggie]

First, I had to take a look at why I was a perfectionist in the first place. In my case, it was because both my parents are. I grew up hearing about every little mistake I made, a big ol' huff anytime I didn't do something the "right" way, and feeling like a failure because I didn't do something right the first time. I did not want to pass that on to my own children. My parents got it from their parents. I decided to end the cycle.

 

Interestingly enough, the Rich Dad, Poor Dad book helped a little. In it, he talks about making mistakes. Life is about making mistakes, for that's how we learn. So now, I view life with kids as letting them learn how to do things on their own and not always saving them from their mistakes. Stop viewing plans gone awry as a bad thing, view it as them learning.

 

Second, I had to realize that even though my oldest seemed older than five, when I looked back and remembered how I thought at age five, it seemed to help. Most of the time when my kids are acting up, it's a cry for attention. My oldest especially just wants someone to be silly with. So even though I think it's ridiculous as a grown up, I just try and be silly with him.

 

Third, I've noticed that they are more likely to be hellions when my attention is diverted elsewhere. When they have to fight the computer to get my attention, they get really mad. That's not to say I give them my undivided attention all day (I am on this forum right now, afterall), but I keep it to a minimum.

[lcelmer]

Chocolate, lots of it, and earplugs...

[MamaT]

You don't remain a perfectionist, that's how. imo, the intent of designing children small to begin with was so the parent has time to fix as many personal flaws as possible before adolescence hits. :tongue_smilie: Then, we get to work on the rest of them. *sigh*

 

 

 

:D

 

:iagree: And whatever is left, young adulthood will take care of.

[dsmama]

Chocolate, lots of it, and earplugs...

:iagree:

 

To this I add: Chardonnay, and lots of it. And a dog who licks crumbs off the floor.

 

It is hard. You want things one way, and they just usually aren't that way. In rare moments of sanity, I realize that one day I will miss the noise, mess, and whatnot.

[Hot Lava Mama]

And it's REALLY hard. I have been trying to stay completely calm when the kids are either freaking out, or things don't go as planned. I have found that when I am able to do this, things calm down much quicker, and I don't feel like such a bad mama afterwards. Like many of the other posters said, realize that you can't control others, and they are just little kids.

Hope it gets better! I know I am working on it!

Hot Lava Mam

[KrissiK]

How do you put aside those perfectionist tendencies and deal with the real, very messy, loud, chaotic, and frustrating world of small children?

I don't. My children totally stress me out. But, I work very hard at hiding it. I have to watch my reactions, think about what they're capable of and if what they're doing is wrong or just bugs me. And I send them outside to play a lot!

[tadah]

In those young-child years I read a lot of books about child development. I always liked getting different perspectives on the whole process. One book I liked was this one:

 

http://www.amazon.com/Becoming-Parent-You-Want-Sourcebook/dp/0553067508/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1322087228&sr=8-1

 

I'm not sure I would have agreed with all the baby advice in it but I found much of the toddler-early elementary stuff helpful.

[wapiti]

I try to remind myself that one day, when my house is clean and quiet, they'll be gone :sad:.

 

I also remind myself that the very young years are very temporary. (It's a lot easier to be out in public with older kids, and that will happen all too soon.)

[Quad Shot Academy]

I have certain phrases that I repeat over and over to myself:;)

 

Everything will be perfect when they are all grown up. (Of course, I can't bear the thought of them leaving home, so that puts it in perspective.)

 

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results. (If something is not working, try something new, until it works.)

 

If you don't like to be around your kids, no one else will be able to stand them. (Make them enjoyable little people.)

 

It goes by so fast.

 

That you love them and they love you is what really matters.

 

I think back to when I was on bed rest and could truly do nothing to clean the house. I am thankful for what I can do!

 

I try to put my perfectionist energies into doing things that will benefit us in the long run and not be undone in 10 minutes.

 

Hire maids, eat chocolate, get out of the house, get them and you lots of exercise.

[ErinE]

Say the Serenity Prayer as often as you need to until it sinks in. Even if you're not religious, it's a great reminder.

 

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

Courage to change the things I can,

And wisdom to know the difference.

[Sharon H in IL]

How do you put aside those perfectionist tendencies and deal with the real, very messy, loud, chaotic, and frustrating world of small children?

 

I fantasize about what I would do if this or that thing went wrong, and how I'd cope in a positive, relaxed way instead of my knee-jerk, stressed way.

 

Imagine laughing if the eggs get dropped on the floor, or if the kids start a silly noises contest while you're reading aloud. Figure out what the positive result is, and work backward from there.

 

I started this when I was going through years of infertility. I had years of fantisizing about holding a precious little baby, and dreaming of how to decorate the perfect nursery. But I remembered that lots of babies have colic and cry for hours every night. So I imagined being exhausted and yet walking the floor holding a fussy baby that would not be comforted.

 

And when that day came (and many more besides), I had a 'template' of how to cope, and I was much calmer than if I had only ever imagined the good stuff.

 

HTH

[Caribbean Queen]

I can't have it chaotic and frustrating. I haven't had it that way. I find it discouraging to hear that things have to be stressful, and there is nothing you can do. I find it encouraging to hear about how people succeed. As you can see from my siggy, I have 4 kids. I have had 3 kids under 4 years old (3.5yo, almost 2yo, and newborn) I have had 3 little ones like you, OP.

 

If you know anyone in real life who is happy, and her kids are reasonably behaved, get some advice from her.

Here are some of my helpful hints:

 

Housekeeping: Sidetracked Home Executives book - great!

Also, if you have a lot of stuff, get rid of it. It is too hard to keep things clean with too much stuff. Bless someone else with those clothes, toys (your kids don't play with), or whatever. It will be a load off your shoulders.

 

Meals: Do prep work, like seasoning meat, and cutting veggies when children are in a good mood playing nearby. If that is 900 a.m. so be it. Store food in the fridge. Then when it is time to cook you can just pop in the oven.

 

Grooming: Babies love to shower with Mommy. At least you'll be guaranteed a shower. If not, you might clean the bathroom while Baby plays in the tub.

 

Sleep: Wake them up early unless you like to hang out with your kids late into the night. Limit screen time and make sure your kids get exercise. An easy way to do this is have a routine where you straighten up the house and go outside. Sit down and watch your kids play. Often, people can't get their kids to go to sleep because the kids are not tired. Make them tired. When your kids have had a full day they will want to sleep at night. Use a night time routine. I tell a lot of stories. It's sweet.

 

Me Time: That's when they are asleep. Make sure they get exercise! Oh, and I stop doing housework at a certain time. If a dish gets dirty I put it in the fridge. I am off duty. This doesn't sound exciting but it is a very good idea.

 

Discipline: Sometimes kids want to *insert naught behavior here.* It isn't because they don't understand the rules. It isn't a cry for help. It isn't because they resent their sibling. It isn't because you didn't love them properly. They will not be redirected. They are not hungry, thirsty, tired or restless. They are just little human beings who want to do wrong.

I have no guilt or heisitation in punishing. A typical punishment is 15 minutes off screen time. I am willing to be consistant, so I don't have to use it often.;)

 

People who are crunchy-granola often like the idea that their angel-baby wouldn't do anything naughty on purpose. That is a stressful way to parent a child aged 2 and up because Mom keeps seeing naughtiness which she interprets as failure to be nurturing enough. No matter how outrageous the child's behavior is all Mom can do is give a talk, a snack, a pat on the back. The child can create chaos if s/he wants to. Mom is not the authority to be obeyed. She is to make sure her child is esteeming himself and has his needs met. If she was really doing her job of meeting the child's needs properly, things would be great. This parenting plan is flawed. It doesn't mesh with a Biblical world-view nor does it match the reality of life with children as far as I am concerned.

 

Then there is the idea that boys will be boys so if they fight and curse and break your stuff, oh well.

I can't be happy living with that either.

 

My kids are not perfect, and my house isn't spotless, and my meals are not going to win me any awards. I am not perfect. I don't aim for perfect, nor do I even think about it. I do try to do a good job. My home is not stressful or chaotic. I am happy. I hope this helps.

Edited November 24, 2011 by Caribbean Queen
typos

[G5052]

Seriously, I got in the habit of planning a minimal number of things to get done each day, and otherwise I just enjoyed my babies. We were outside a lot, went to the park, and played for hours. They couldn't sit in church, screamed in restaurants, and were masters at destruction. And that's normal.

 

I just got through it one day at a time.

[kalanamak]

Perfection in a child is not the same as that of an adult. :D Repeat frequently.

 

My mother, in times of serious frustration, would lean into my face and say, "My only consolation is knowing you will grow up and have children just like you." I only recall it twice, and I have repeated it twice to kiddo. It helps.

[Joanne]

Some suggestions.......

 

I don't mean to be critical. Clearly you want to make some changes, and you've done well to recognize that this is YOUR problem. But, first, I'd encourage you to change your wording and what you say to yourself. :grouphug: "Hellion" is a pretty heavy word.

 

Next, identify your triggers. Is it noise, mess, people being in your personal space bubble? Expected change of plans? Being late? What bothers you the most; concentrate on making plans to make that manageable for you around reasonable age-expected behaviors and development.

 

Intentionally engage with your kids playfully. I didn't say PLAY with them (some parents do, some don't) but engage playfully. Often, even if you have to schedule it. ;) Ruffle their hair, give them a huge hug, play verbal games. *something* that will engage your brain positively with them. This helps you stay on the positive side, and helps them act better, which helps you stay positive. ;)

 

If your perfectionism takes away your quality of life to a concerning degree (and it can happen, no judment intended), seek mental health support. Perfectionism symptoms are treatable. :)

 

Oh, and find out if you are introverted or extroverted, and find the same out for your kids. Act on that information, make sure everyone has what they need for the best possible behavior.

 

Some with love languages.

[Gentlemommy]

Some suggestions.......

 

I don't mean to be critical. Clearly you want to make some changes, and you've done well to recognize that this is YOUR problem. But, first, I'd encourage you to change your wording and what you say to yourself. :grouphug: "Hellion" is a pretty heavy word.

 

Next, identify your triggers. Is it noise, mess, people being in your personal space bubble? Expected change of plans? Being late? What bothers you the most; concentrate on making plans to make that manageable for you around reasonable age-expected behaviors and development.

 

Intentionally engage with your kids playfully. I didn't say PLAY with them (some parents do, some don't) but engage playfully. Often, even if you have to schedule it. ;) Ruffle their hair, give them a huge hug, play verbal games. *something* that will engage your brain positively with them. This helps you stay on the positive side, and helps them act better, which helps you stay positive. ;)

 

If your perfectionism takes away your quality of life to a concerning degree (and it can happen, no judment intended), seek mental health support. Perfectionism symptoms are treatable. :)

 

Oh, and find out if you are introverted or extroverted, and find the same out for your kids. Act on that information, make sure everyone has what they need for the best possible behavior.

 

Some with love languages.

 

 

These are all great suggestions! For myself, I found that I really NEED a quiet, peaceful, totally clean space. That is my bedroom. The rest of the house isn't perfect, but my room is.:001_smile:It's my oasis. I also am working on managing my mild anxiety.

My dh travels for work quite often, and is usually gone for a few weeks at a time, but when he is home I make sure to have a few hours to myself very week. I just go sip coffee at the bookstore and veg.

I do keep my home rather clean, because messiness/dirt stress me out. I send my kids outside to paint, play with water, clay, ect. That way the mess doesn't overwhelm me. We get out a LOT. Physical exercise is super important to me and the kids. We are usually outside at least four hours a day. We bike to the park, climb trees, play by the lake, ect.

I've decluttered a TON since moving. My children have three toys each. And you know what? They have been PLAYING. Together. Nicely. They play with sticks, leaves, a roll of tape, or blankets and couch cushions.

My next step will be decluttering the clothes. I want to have ten outfits for each kid in their drawers. When one gets ruined, I'll get another out from the storage bin.

Hope that helps some.

[SailorMom]

Take a long hard look at yourself.

 

Think about what really matters (to you as well)

 

Make compromises.

 

Take a look at how the children see you and how they will remember you.

 

How do you want to be remembered?

Laughing? Screaming? Playful? Resentful?

Always look at yourself through their eyes and try to be the mother you want them to be to your grandchildren.

 

Find ways to be fun, yet still hold your standards. (for instance I let the children finger paint all over the shower---they have fun, I hose the whole thing off)

 

compromise some more. They have to respect boundaries too.

compromise again

 

Constantly update the boundaries vs the fun.

 

:iagree:

 

Try to believe us all when we tell you that you WILL miss this someday - no matter how hard that is to comprehend. What do you want your memories to be? What could you regret?

They will only be little and messy and wild for a short time. Perfectionism may look like a great quality, but i my experience it causes nothing but anger, irritation, and sadness.