Children's reaction to death of a grandparent?

[ScoutTN]

My step-father died late last week and my world is a bit upside down right now. Trying to help my mom, mostly. He was a wonderful man and I am already missing him.

 

Dh and I told our kids and they were serious and thoughtful for a while. After that it doesn't seem to have affected them at all. They are their usual hilarious, frustrating, loveable little-kid selves.

 

Is this typical? They are 6 and 4 yo.

My grandparents died when I was a baby and then a teenager, so I don't have my own experience to use for comparison.

[littleWMN]

My dad died three years ago. My girls were 7, almost 4, and newly 3 at the time. My then 4 year old is very sensitive and she bawled her head off. She cried off and on for a few months. My 7 year old didn't really react. She never cried. It really bothered me because she came across as not caring. About two years later, I found her crying in her bed one night and she was crying over him.

 

So yes, I think it can be normal. Just be prepared it may show up someday when you least expect it.

 

eta: I'm so sorry for your loss. My dad's death rocked our world and the aftermath with my mom was complicated for awhile. I know what you are going through and it's really hard. :(

[gardenmom5]

You have my condolences on your loss.

 

yes their reaction is normal. children deal with the concrete here and now. If they only saw sgf occasionally (even if once a week), it's not going to have the same effect as if they lived with him. They may eventually ask when they're going to see grandpa again. It's not going to have the same effect as you as you understand that death means this person will no longer be in your life.

[In2why]

I don't think kids can process loss at that age. My Dad died this summer after a long battle with liver cancer. My children were sad that I was sad, and they have a lot more questions about death, but the actual feeling of loss, not so much.

 

My 12 year old gets it a lot more because he became part of our family due to the death of his Grandmother who was his only caretaker. Anytime death brushes our family he is worried that we might die. He also understands more than the youngers that it means they are gone forever and it isn't a temporary situation.

[In the Rain]

I'm sorry for your loss. :grouphug: I think the reaction of your children is normal for their ages.

[DianeW88]

Completely normal. Most children that young really don't have a dramatic reaction to someone's death. It's too abstract for them. I would encourage them to be their normal, happy selves. Not a thing wrong with that.

 

When my mother passed away, even my older children (10 and 13 at the time) did not experience any prolonged grief over it. Of course, we discuss death and what happens afterwards on a regular basis as part of our faith, so it was all very matter-of-fact for them.

 

Very sorry for the loss of your step-father. :grouphug:

[Parker Martin]

I think that's normal. My kids talked more about it later after my older son asked when we were going to go visit. I explained that we couldn't visit anymore, etc etc etc. They still talk about him sometimes. My two year old asked me to hang a framed picture of Grandpa in the living room just the other day. :001_huh:

[mcconnellboys]

They are too young to really understand....

[Zebra]

We had a double tragedy about 18 months ago with both grandfathers dying in one night, completely unrelated. I still can't quite process it myself, and I was sure DD would be scarred for life.

 

DD was 6 at the time. She cried when I did a few times, but seemed mostly upset that I was crying. With the funerals, visiting hours etc it was a very overwhelming week and my daughter was mostly bored by it. She dramatically told me, "This has been the most boringest week of my life!" At first I was stunned at her reaction, and then I had to laugh. It was some much needed "comic relief" at the time. Here I was, all broken up and she was BORED....:lol:!!!

 

So, IMHO it is normal. There is nothing wrong with your kids, they will process it differently than you will, especially at this age. :grouphug:

[LAS in LA]

Another vote for "normal". My granddaddy died when I was 4 or 5. I don't remember anything about that time, except being at the graveside and asking my daddy (son of the deceased) why everybody was crying. I completely didn't understand what was going on.

[KristinaBreece]

:grouphug::grouphug:

 

I think it's completely within the range of "normal" reactions. Every person grieves differently.

 

When my grandmother died, we lived in her home, and we moved in mostly to make the end of her life easier for her and my grandfather. (She needed full-time care. They couldn't afford a nurse, I had worked previously as an in-home care provider, and my job at the time was the most expendable of our extended family.) DS was 1 when we moved in, and 3 when she passed away. He was devastated. He just turned 5, and he still has "breakdown" moments where he starts crying and telling me that he misses his Mommaw. My niece stayed with us a lot while we were there, and spent nearly as much time with my grandmother as my children. She's the same age as DS. She was contemplative about it a bit, and then quickly moved on. Like, the next week she was back to her normal, bouncy self. All this to say.... Normal.

[Farrar]

Mostly echoing what others have said. My condolences. And, it's totally normal. However, expect that this may come up for them again, perhaps when you expect it least.

 

Did you help them do any processing over it? If you feel like they don't need it, then that's fine, I guess. I'm just aware of how much the death of my sons' grandfather affected them recently. They were mostly running around, cheerful and themselves, but they were also more anxious, more testy, more hyper and crazy on a regular basis for a good while - I think it might have seemed unconnected, but it actually was. And one of my sons, it turned out, really needed me to say some things that were totally obvious from the point of view of an adult, but totally not obvious from the point of view of a small child:

you didn't do anything to cause this, nor could you

you're not going to die any time soon

mama and daddy are almost certainly not going to die any time soon either

 

We found the classic picture book Badger's Parting Gifts by Susan Varley to be a good help. I also think it's good to, now, while you can, try to do things for them to help them cement their memories of him. We knew the boys' grandfather was dying, so we actually made a little photo memory book about their lives with him - with lots of photos of them together from birth to now and quotes from each of them about each other. You could easily do something like that after. Then, at the reception after the funeral, it was the boys' "job" to show off their books to anyone who wanted to see them. And now they just have them as special keepsakes.

[Staceyshoe]

My mother died 2 months ago, when my kids were 6.5 yrs and 3.5 yrs (similar ages to your kids). I was very concerned about my oldest because he's had some fascination/fear/anxiety about death for years. Actually both kids responded much better than I expected. In fact, it seemed to "normalize" death somewhat for my oldest. Just now, my youngest is starting to talk more about death (chanting at the dog "when will you die, Sally?" or saying things like, "when will we die and Nana come back to live in Papa's house again?). He seems to be trying to process something that he can't fully understand yet. But truly both boys have been virtually unaffected by it which surprised me since they saw their Nana very regularly.

 

I'm not sure of the circumstances of your loss. My mother had been sick for years, and her health declined dramatically over the past year. Because of this, she was less involved with the boys. Even this summer, when we were at her home almost daily, there was very little interaction. It was incredibly difficult for me to watch that steady decline, but it was a slow withdrawal for the kids. Nana just became less a part of their lives and their relationship was more distanced. I think that made a huge difference in their reaction. If she went from being incredibly involved to suddenly gone, I don't know that they would have reacted the same way.

 

:grouphug: Hope that helps. I know I kept waiting for ""the other shoe to drop," but the boys really do/did seem OK with her death.

[MominIN]

Sorry for your loss. :grouphug:

 

My MIL died two years ago. My younger kids didn't fully understand it. I don't think they really could grasp that she was gone forever. They do still talk about her and say that they miss her, but it isn't very often. They definitely didn't react the way I thought they would.

[MinivanMom]

:grouphug: I'm so sorry about your stepfather.

 

Your kids' reaction sounds completely normal to me.

 

My mother died about a year ago when my children were 6, 5, 2, and 7 months. My 6-year-old was very upset. She sobbed when we told her and cried off and on for weeks afterwards. About 6 months after the death, she became grief-stricken over that fact that she hadn't been taken to the funeral, so we held a little memorial at our home just for her.

 

On the other hand, my 5-year-old had no awareness at all of what had happened. He asked a few questions, but has never seemed upset. I think he was just too young to fully comprehend the event or to feel that kind of grief. I think both their reactions were normal, but the non-reaction of my 5-year-old was perhaps more typical of kids in this age range.

[Guest IdahoMtnMom]

My kids are 3.5 and 4.5 and they lost their Grandma BJ in late September. We talk about her often, but they are not super sad anymore. DS 4 did say this weekend that he wished grandma bj didn't have to go to Heaven but that's been the extent of displayed grief lately.

[Mommy22alyns]

I'm sorry for your loss.

 

I think your kids are fine.

 

I had an unfortunate and confusing incident with my father last summer. It resulted in a complete severing of any contact whatsoever. My girls were recently told, in terms they could understand, why we will never have contact with "Grampy" again. They were mildly upset, but they haven't been moping around about it. I'm glad they're so resilient.

[MamaSheep]

My step-father died late last week and my world is a bit upside down right now. Trying to help my mom, mostly. He was a wonderful man and I am already missing him.

 

Dh and I told our kids and they were serious and thoughtful for a while. After that it doesn't seem to have affected them at all. They are their usual hilarious, frustrating, loveable little-kid selves.

 

Is this typical? They are 6 and 4 yo.

My grandparents died when I was a baby and then a teenager, so I don't have my own experience to use for comparison.

 

I'm so sorry for your loss. :grouphug:

 

We're dealing with some similar things in our family, as my mother-in-law passed away last week. My kids are older and I think it hit them a little harder for that reason, but they're still being pretty resilient compared to dh and me. I think young children especially tend to process a lot of things based on how it will affect their everyday life. If an event is not going to change their lives much they do tend to be solemn for a bit and then move on--though I would expect that they will probably have "moments" periodically where they think about what it will be like when they visit to not have that grandparent there.

 

My 14yo seems to have been more affected than my 9yo. As it became more and more apparent that this would be MIL's last illness ds14 spent a good bit of time pondering what that meant in terms of what would happen to his grandmother after she died. Her beliefs on this subject are somewhat different from those of our family (she belonged to a different faith than we do), and ds spent some time comparing and mulling over what HE thought on the subject, and why, and asking me various questions on the subject. We had some good discussions. Now that it's over, he seems to be at peace with our family's belief that his grandmother is in a happy place where she will continue to learn and grow, and not be sick or in pain anymore. In contrast, in the days leading up to MIL's passing dd9 asked me sometimes how her grandmother was feeling today. She told me what would happen if Grandma died (she's nine, and therefore an expert on EVERYTHING), which was a simple explanation of our faith's teachings on the subject, and I was glad she had a clear understanding (ds understood the basics too, he just wanted more depth and a better understanding of how it connects to other bits of religious information, if that makes sense). We had a few solemn, tearful minutes when we got the news. And then the day after MIL passed away, dd came and climbed in my lap (she's very small for her age) and told me that when she had said her prayer at bedtime she felt the Holy Ghost come and tell her that Gigi is in a good place now, and is well and happy. And for her, that seems to be that. She's done mourning, and for her life goes on. I still feel a little discombobulated.

 

But yes, I think it's very normal for kids to process grief differently than adults.

[Word Nerd]

When my mom's dad died, I was in high school. My youngest sister was in middle school and didn't seem to be affected by it, which I found strange at the time. At the funeral, she finally broke down and had the kind of reaction I had expected. We hadn't lost any close family members before that, and it just didn't hit her or seem real and final until then.

[ZooRho]

Yes Children and grief is very different from adults. Do some reading about it. The funeral home may have materials for you too.

[IsabelC]

We recently lost my MIL, who lived in a different state and saw the kids about once a year irl, as well as talking on phone and skype every few weeks and sending them cards/gifts from time to time.

 

When I told them the sad news, the 8yo barely registered a reaction before he changed the subject (that might be the aspie coming out). The 6yo was a bit sad, but her mind quickly turned to practicalities: how long might daddy be away, would he be sitting with aunty on the place, what would happen to nanna's apartment, etc. Over the next few days she was keen to bring flowers and other special items "for nanna" (we weren't able to travel up to the funeral so we held our own and temporarily converted our Seasonal Table into a memorial table). My 3yo looked very solemn for about 5 minutes, then promptly forgot until a couple of hours later when she got confused and thought it was her other grandmother. She has only barely begun to get the concept of death (some months ago, she was still concerned that a pet we'd buried wouldn't have anything to eat).

 

At first I was a bit worried that my kids were heartless, but when I think about it, it's just their perception of things. They didn't see their grandmother in their everyday lives before, and they don't now. The biggest effect on them was that their father disappeared for a couple of weeks, and accordingly that was what unsettled them the most.

[happyhomemaker]

I lost both of my grandfathers when I was 7. I remember feeling sad for a little bit, but then my world went back to normal so quickly. I felt bad that I did not feel bad. I remember wishing I could cry because everyone else was, but not being able to. Looking back, I think this was because the idea of never seeing my grandfathers again was too much for me to take in. I miss them now though, now that I can understand the reality of death. Sadness and realization of loss for little ones may come later in life when true understanding comes. I wish that my mom had explained to me that grieving happens in different ways and that it's ok to cry or not to cry.

[ScoutTN]

Thank you all for your wise and kind words! And for sharing your experiences.

And for the cyber-hugs.

[hollyh]

I don't know what normal is, but here is my experience. My dad died 7 months ago. My oldest is 4. She struggles understanding the finality of it. Sometimes she seems to understand, other times, she prays that he will come down for a visit. She never cried, but pouted at times when we told her she wouldn't see him. She asked a LOT of questions... often the same ones re: death, why, etc. She is an introspective kid though. She still asks questions, so don't be surprised if they are mulling it over in their heads even though life goes on for them. She has drawn a lot of pictures, and even drew a picture of him to put over her bed so that he could be there with her when she sleeps. It's heart breaking to hear her talk about him... I'm so sorry for your loss. It really is difficult. I think the emotion YOU show is what will affect them the most - my dd has drawn pics of my crying even though I thought I shielded most of that from her....

[KidsHappen]

Totally normal. As a pp posted children in the grammar stage and below don't know have the intellectual capability to understand the abstract nature of death. It's not really until they reach the logic stage that they begin to have the ability to understand and process such a difficult concept.

 

My mom died 3 years ago. My youngers were 12 and 9. Most of their cousins were even younger. Only my 12 year old and one of her cousins her same age really understood the finallity of the event.