If you have a "multi-race" family...

[Heather in Neverland]

... or whatever the proper term is...

 

As some of you know I have three children: one birth child, two adopted. One child was adopted from Korea the other is Indian.

 

If you, too, have children of various ethnicities other than your own...

 

Do you feel an obligation or a desire to raise them in a place of great diversity?

 

Gosh I am having trouble putting this into words.... what I mean is this:

 

I was raised in middle income, white bread america. My town was all white. My school was all white. My church was all white. The areas that I lived in as an adult were racially mixed as far as blacks and whites go (with some middle eastern as well). But not much besides that.

 

If we were to move back to where we lived before, our two adopted children would stick out like a sore thumb.

 

Here they blend in beautifully as the island is 1/3 asian, 1/3 indian and 1/3 malay with a large expat community as well. My adopted children have lots of friends who look like they do but they have friends of other races as well. And so does my one birth child. Also, both adopted children are learning their native language (one more than the other).

 

BUT

 

We are at a crossroad. This is our third year here. My oldest will start high school next year. We would like his high school experience to have some consistency so wherever we are in August 2012 is where we need to stay for 4 more years. So we need to decide if we will stay here in Malaysia for 4 more years or go elsewhere.

 

Why go elsewhere? Primarily it is money. We like our life here for the most part but we don't make diddly squat and college tuition looms large. Also, we have church issues in that there are NO CHURCHES on this island that are anything close to our denomination. I feel like I am withering away spiritually.

 

We may stay anyways. We may go to a different country. We may go home to the U.S. All of them are attractive options but all for different reasons.

 

But, one thing that just keeps haunting my mind is the idea of taking my children out of a diverse area and putting them into a place where they will face a lot of racism and really just feel out of place.

 

So how about you? Do you feel the need to provide a diverse area for your kids to grow up? Do you think having others around that "look like they do" is important?

[Impish]

Well, I can't answer for me, but I can tell you about Wolf.

 

He's Metis (bmom was First Nations). He was adopted by a single Caucasian school teacher.

 

He was *always* the only non Caucasian person for miles and miles around. MIL taught at small private church schools, and moved him repeatedly from one end of Canada to another.

 

It was h*ll for him. Everywhere he went, the bullying was severe. He doesn't remember a year from gr 1 up where he wasn't in fist fights simply b/c he wasn't white, until he went to boarding school.

 

I don't know what the answer is, but small town areas wasn't it, at least for him.

[DawnM]

I used to. We went to a church with a large Chinese congregation and tried to get more Chinese friends for him.

 

What we found out was that HE DOESN'T CARE! He just fits right in wherever he is and he likes being with whoever.

 

Our current church as about 9 adopted Asian kids. Some are Chinese, others are Korean and from the Philippines. It is a nice mix.

 

Dawn

[sparrow]

I used to. We went to a church with a large Chinese congregation and tried to get more Chinese friends for him.

 

What we found out was that HE DOESN'T CARE! He just fits right in wherever he is and he likes being with whoever.

 

Our current church as about 9 adopted Asian kids. Some are Chinese, others are Korean and from the Philippines. It is a nice mix.

 

Dawn

 

:iagree:

 

At least for now, our children have been accepted and are comfortable in our smallish, whitish town. For the population, there are a surprising number of Asian adoptees here. They are well-liked and proud of their heritage. My kids are waaaay more confident than I ever was.

 

Teen years are fast approaching, so we'll see how/if things change.

[Pamela H in Texas]

I don't know if I quite count considering, but...

 

One thing I was really happy to provide any child we got was diversity. When we started, our town couldn't have been a more diverse place. There were AA, hisp, cauc, Africans, Laos, etc... Our congregation is a similar make-up. Additionally, it's not like it would be hard for us to find a specific language congregation either. We moved a town over but stayed in our congregation. It isn't quite as diverse here, but not "white" by any stretch either.

 

I think it is a benefit to be somewhere with some diversity in general but especially in the family's inner circle.

 

But there are a number of benefits that may not always be possible or best for a family in general. In that case, you have to weigh out the options a little more and see if you can make something work. I think.

 

*I* wasn't comfy last year somewhere almost completely white for a couple months when I didn't have children of different races. I was more uncomfy there than I was in an area that was 99% AA years ago. I simply would not choose to live somewhere SOOO white for any length of time without a transracial family. I definitely wouldn't now.

 

But again, I think it is your choice to make and where it falls on your priority list may be quite different from where it falls on mine. I don't think one way is more right than the other...just different comfort levels.

[NCMom]

I used to think it didn't matter. Now I'm not so sure.

 

We used to live in a seriously caucasian area. Think rich New England village. My kids were the only mixed race kids in the village and my dh was the ONLY AA person there. We got along great there. Never felt weird. Always included, etc.

 

Then we moved to a much more diverse area. Very near where you used to live in NC, in fact. There are lots more mixed race kids here. But, bottom line, in this area my gals will NEVER get asked out on a date. By anyone, regardless of race. :glare: (Not that either of them want to go on one particularly but you know what I mean.) We get looks every time we leave the house. And the worst part is the stereotyping. It is constant and oh so prevalent in the homeschooling community.

 

Now an hour from here, in a small city known for its diversity, it is a whole different story. My kids would rather be there than just about anywhere else. They feel relaxed there.

 

So I think some places you can fit in no matter what ya look like and others, you probably shouldn't even want to, lol.

 

My only advice would be to make SURE the place you would go in the US is one where the children could truly be comfortable and accepted.

 

Sorry for rambling!

Georgia

[Starr]

I think you would want some diversity. We left a big, diverse city and live in a small university town (in the NE). At first it seemed all white to me by comparison but that hasn't proven to be entirely true. I think you have more options than you think in the US. If you need to adjust any choices along the way remind yourselves that your children can get into college with a home school diploma.

[KrissiK]

I think you should aim for some diversity. We have 5 adopted kids - DS1 is AA/hispanic, the rest are hispanic and we are quite white. We live in a town that is about 80% hispanic and their race hardly raises an eyebrow. Except for DS1. The only thing that really stands out about him is his very dark skin. He doesn't have "classic" AA features. He actually looks more middle eastern than anything. People have the hardest time figuring out what ethnicity he is. Although he could have been a twin to a boy on his baseball team, who's dad is Caribbean Islander and mom is Causasian. It's interesting, though, that the most comments made about the ethnicity of our kids as opposed to their parents is by hispanic kids, and they haven't been nice remarks at all. We've had a few, "those are your parents?" among other things. Anyhow, we aren't planning to move out of the area, but if we do, the racial make-up of the area would be a consideration.

[Jeannie in NJ]

my dc are adopted from Korea. My son is in special ed at the local school, he is the only Asian there, it does not seem to bother him. My dd went to public school for 9th grade in the extreme southern end of our county and she was one of 3 Asians in the entire school. She is now doing dual enrollment at our community college which is much further north and there is a LARGE Asian population along with all other minorities. In fact, the Asian club is the largest and most active club on campus. The college is located in a township which has a very large Asian community, but as in what dd calls Asian Asian, in other words none of her Asian friends at college at adopted, they all come from Asian households, have Asian names and often speak their languages among themselves. Dd says that she def. feels different from them but she is still making friends . Her 3 best friends at college are black, Hispanic and Vietnamese.

 

But also dd grew up in our extremely diverse extended family , her cousins are half Puerto Rican (other half Italian), one cousin is married to a girl from the Phillipines that dd is good friends with and one bil is married to a black girl from the Carribean and they have a child. Also one side of the extended family is Jewish. So my dd have grown up around diverse people .

 

If you do move back to the U.S. maybe you could chose an area that is diverse, I would think either coastal areas would be fine as in the North east or west coast. I don't know how diverse the mid west is or south is.

[FO4UR]

I haven't adopted, but my dh is Asian and I am very fair complected. Our dc look nothing like me. They have olive skin, dark hair & eyes. I get asked quite a bit about their ethnicity. Most people are polite about it...but yeah...

 

 

We have met with racism in the oddest places. I wish I could leave it at that...but, I have to say, the toughest oddest place has been church.:glare:

 

 

I think it's better to be in a place where diversity is normal. We were told when we moved to NC (years ago) that dh would never find a job there b/c of his skin color. We found a wonderfully diverse church there. It was in coming back to the midwest that we have had the most troubles.

[Mandy in TN]

Holy cow! Has it really been that long. I remember when you moved.

 

First I wanted to address the college issue. If you make no money, then there will be financial aid and scholarship offers. There are a ton of small Christian colleges that I'm sure would gladly welcome your son. Also, my oldest is attending Berea College. All students are there on scholarship. Thet have to work 10 hours a week for the college. There is no worry about not fitting in due to money, because none of the kids there have any. I started checking out Berea before my oldest was in high school. Give it a look.

 

As to diversity- my dh is Persian and we live in a very white county in mid-TN. I do want to expose ds to people who look like his father. OTOH, I feel like the majority of the responsibility for exposure to Persian culture is dh's, because it is his culture and I know so little about it.

 

Part of my reason for enrolling my son in Kumon and specifically at the center we chose was because I wanted ds to be around families that looked like his dad. Our center is owned by an Indian and attended by many Indian, mid-East, and Asian families. White American families are definitely in the minority there.

 

At Kumon he has several kids that he is chatty with who are of various ethnicities. Ds's best friend is an adopted Chinese girl. Currently, he doesn't feel any different and he isn't very dark so he really doesn't stand out. He is very young so we will see how it goes.

 

HTH-

Mandy

Edited October 17, 2011 by Mandy in TN
sent before finished

[SKL]

While my daughters happily fit in with whomever they are with (they are 4/5), they still notice differences and patterns. Every once in a while they make a comment about race or skin color. It's definitely on their minds, at least part of the time.

 

We are very lucky to live in an area where there is some diversity, and their school (ps-K) in particular has a nice mix. Not sure how it will be when they move into 1st grade and attend a different school. The diversity here is limited, but there is some. I don't have a lot of choice in the matter either way.

 

We do hang out with people of various ethnicities, so at least they don't feel they are the "only ones around." But it could happen that they are the only "brown" kid in their class for some part of their life. I really don't know how they will take it, but I think having a background of diversity will make them strong. We have already talked about racism and ignorance and such. They've memorized West Side Story and actually understand it. Hopefully they will be able to process foolishness for what it is.

 

Either way, it's just a matter of time. Racism is pretty well ingrained here and everywhere, if we're honest. Can't hide from it, might as well take it on.

 

Good luck - I know this is not an easy decision.

[Ellesmere]

.

[SweetBean]

I have 4 children, 2 by birth (Caucasian), and 2 by adoption (black, birth siblings). We already lived in a very diverse area when we adopted the younger two. We had some difficulty finding a diverse church, it seems people self segregate for worship, but we finally settled on a black church. We felt most welcome there, and the theology was in-line with our own. If we were to move again, I would definitely consider racial diversity. I think it is not only important that our kids see people who resemble themselves, but also families that resemble their family. We have many family friends who are transracial families by birth and/or adoption.

[Murmer]

Yes, diversity is important...that said I moved with my 11 month old African-American daughter to the whitest state in the US! This means that chances are she will be one of very few black children in the area...so we have sought out opportunities in our area that are diverse or even just for black children. We found a playgroup put on by the local African American Society at a local college. We go to events like MLK Jr celebrations. Because we don't live in a diverse area we have to do MORE than we would in a diverse place...if that makes sense.

 

Slightly off topic: I was worried about DD being the only child of color in her sped Pre-K and it turns out that there are 2 others! It was fabulous, so diversity is coming!

[thescrappyhomeschooler]

I only have biological children, but we live in a very diverse place, and I'm glad for it. My dh has 3 hispanic adopted siblings, and my sister has three adopted kids from India. My SILs and BIL would have preferred growing up with more diversity. My sister's kids who live in a very pale, white people area, don't seem to mind, yet, but my sister definitely does. She gets all kinds of looks and comments. She remarks about the diversity of my neighborhood when she comes for a visit and wishes her kids could have a more diverse atmosphere. My kids are as pale as you can get, but are growing up around kids from every ethnic background you can think of, and they are just accustomed to seeing people who look (and talk) differently than they do. If they don't remember someone's name, they'll often describe the skin color as tan or brown or dark brown. They don't even realize that there are supposedly different races, I don't think. They seem to think everyone falls somewhere on the brown spectrum, from pale tan to really dark brown.

[AHASRADA]

I would worry less about the diversity of *race* and focus more on diversity of *thought* in a community.

 

I also grew up in "White Bread" America, about as white as you can get. However, my community was not insulated, close-minded or bigoted. On the contrary, each person encountered was judged as an individual, not as a member of some minority group (there weren't enough minorities to form a group!) The vast majority of people were truly curious to know about different cultures, backgrounds and origins, and no one was made to feel unwelcomed simply based on their race.

 

As an adult, I have moved to a major metro area where there is enormous, wide-spread diversity, large minority groups, large enough for each to form their own neighborhoods, speciality shops, private schools and places of worship. I feel there is much greater stereotyping, bigoted behavior and pressure to "assimilate" than I ever saw in my tiny white hometown.

 

Of course, the opposite experiences can be true as well, but it has nothing to do with diversity or a lack thereof. It's based on open-mindedness, or a lack thereof.

[CalicoKat]

Yes. And no.

 

We decide what's best for the family first.

 

Then we look around to see where to put our energy into becoming a "community" with folks.

 

Our kids are mostly African American. At first we thought it was a priority to be around other people of color. Not always African America, but Asian, or Hispanic.

 

But soon we realized that our kids gravitate more toward other children who are adopted no matter the race.

 

So when we look for a church community it's looking for a church in which there are other adoptive/foster families.

[DaffodilDreams]

Yes, diversity guides our decisions about where we'd move if we decided to leave here. I love where I grew up, but it would be horrible for dd so that's out for us. When we've talked about other places we'd like to live, how dd is likely to be received is one of the deciding factors.

 

There are pockets of diverse groups in our current location, but even so, it is a far from perfect area for us. Dd is not embraced by other members of her birth culture here (except for a few close friends of ours). It seems like as soon as they see dh and I, dd is viewed as less than by members of that community. Plus, we live in an area where diversity is not a positive thing for many. This city seems to want people of the various races to just keep to themselves. Dd has experienced bullying because of her ethnicity.

 

If money weren't an issue, I'd vote for staying where you are (or somewhere like it) for as long as you can, but I do understand about needing funds to pay for college. The longer you can stay, the more grounded your children will be in their respective and - based on your description - other cultures. That sort of foundation just might make a difference in their sense of self once they do put feet on US soil. However, if you must come back sooner rather than later, I have no doubt you will go out of your way to help ease the transition for your children. The very fact that you've asked these questions shows that you are aware and concerned, and that's a good starting point.

 

And, I should say it's not all bad over here. It's just that the bad does tend to stick out more than the good at times.

 

ETA: I just realized I talked all around one of the points I was trying to make. While a diverse area is something we do look for, it doesn't mean living there makes things magically better. Even cities with a diverse racial make up can certainly have their problems. BUT, one of the biggest pluses to a diverse area, IMO, is that dd sees she isn't alone in her outward appearance.

Edited October 17, 2011 by kimmie38017

[JustGin]

Short answer for me - no. When we adopted our bi-racial children, we brought them into our family, our culture, if you will. You see we don't believe culture is a matter of skin tone. Culture is the environment, traditions, history, values you are raised in, or that you accept as reflecting who you are, who you choose to be. It's about values, it's about a sense of place, where you belong, in your family, in your larger "community", in the line of past, present, future. We never wanted to communicate to our children that we were somehow 2nd string fill in's for another culture, until they could embrace the "vaild" half as their destiny. Our culture, the one they have been raised in is valid too. We really didn't care two hoots that some day they might not be accepted by whoever because they were raised "white". They aren't all white, but they aren't all black either. They are first and foremost individual human beings with innate worth. Next they are Americans, which at it's best means culturally blended beautifully and finally they are OUR children, that is, like it or not their PARENT'S are white. As far as this or that group accepting them, we have taught them what we believe is important. That people should be judged on their character, not their melanin or lack there of. That to reject a person simply because their skin color doesn't fit with someone's idea of what they should be, is racism at it's most insidious.

So now my kids are teens and they all have a very strong sense of who they are as individuals, they are part of our family and they interact correctly with the world at large, that is, they do not expect to be treated either with prejudice or as members of some downtrodden victim class. They expect to be treated as every person has a right to be treated, honestly, fairly, with respect etc.. In those times when some fool pulls the race card, on either side, they are well able to dismiss it as ignorant-stupid, or hateful-stupid, deal with it and move on. They need neither justify or excuse who they are or how they were raised. They have found parts of other cultures, including black culture that they embrace and value because those practices "fit". It's a choice we have allowed each of them to make naturally and flows from our family having respect for other cultures without trying to force ourselves to not be who we are so that we could somehow "do it right".

 

Do we live in white-breadville? Yep, but here's a funny thing. Without trying, or crying, suddenly our smallish "white" town youth church of 20 kids has 5 kids of color in it, not counting my own three! My kids have friends of all hues, and several of my dd's high school buddies this year are gay. In our own family the kids have half Japanese, half Hispanic, half black, and half Iranian cousins. Not bad for white bread :)

Edited October 17, 2011 by JustGin

[Denisemomof4]

I live in a rural town in NH. We have one other family in our homeschool group with bio/bi-racial kids, and my dd sees this type of thing regularly. We are always seeing mixed race families at the mall and other places we frequent.

 

How about moving where you choose for the next four years, and THEN decide whether or not you want a more diverse place for the younger kids?

[Excelsior! Academy]

One of my nephews is of African descent and while the rest of us are card carrying members of two Native American tribes. With the exception of dh and my nephew we look about as Caucasian as you can get. It has never been an issue for us. Dear nephew was told he had the same dad as his 1/2 siblings, so I was afraid it would be awkward when he found out. In reality, he was just excited to know that his other dad, as he refers to him, has his skin tone. I have noticed that he tends to befriend peers with similar skin tones. Honestly, skin tones and ethnicities don't even cross my radar unless it is brought to my attention. He is my nephew and a son of my sister just like his Caucasian looking brother. I love raising all of the children in our household. I don't care if they are purple with green Polk-a-dots, I expect them all to follow our rules and have a ball with them each and every day.

 

 

Edited to respond to your question about bullying. I would try to avoid situations where any of my children were bullied. Since we homeschool and somewhat tomato stake, hopefully we would nip that before it crossed the child's radar.

Edited October 17, 2011 by Excelsior! Academy

[Laurie4b]

We've had racially different foster kids and the diversity makes a big difference, most especially, the diversity of your social circle. Since you are Christians, i would look for a church that is ethnically diverse both through adoption, but also through birth families of various ethnicities. It is not uncommon for a kid of a different ethnic group than parents to be bullied by peers (especially once they get to high school or even college) of his same ethnic group about living with white parents. Kids can feel forced to choose between their peers and their parents. Sadly, I've known of kids who rejected their adoptive parents in this type of scenario, I think it's much less likely when the children see modeled before them unity in diversity in the church and in their immediate social circles. We attend a racially diverse church. A lot of mixed families attend precisely because they fit in and don't elsewhere. So I think it's important not only for the greater community you land in to be diverse, but to choose a church and members of your personal community that reflect diversity.

[bettyandbob]

It sounds to me like you have a great place to raise your family. I think to find that kind of accepted diversity in the US you need to be in a med-large metro area, most likely mid Atlantic or West Coast. I live in such an area. The public high school my ds attends is incredibly diverse (race, nationality, income, religion). It has an internationally known IB program (diplomats stationed in our metro area have sought to live within our school's boundary area). BUT it's expensive. Not so much so as to cause social issues because not everyone has a car, not everyone has clothes from the mall. BUT it is a big deal for college savings.

 

I think you might consider what kind of job you could really get in such a diverse area and whether your income would be enough to provide a comfortable living for your standards and money for college. You may find that you are no better financially coming back to the states, but your family life suffers because you and your dh are both trying to put significant hours in at paying jobs and paying for daycare and not having family time. There's a good possibility that your ds could get more scholarship money because even though he's white he will add to the school's diversity by being "from" Malaysia. Additionally, I don't know what your income is in US dollars, but it might be low enough to qualify for significant aid. You might want to investigate where your income falls in college aid calculations.

[HS Mom in NC]

My husband, my biological kids and I are Caucasian. My youngest is Korean.

 

I understand. We're from PHX with about a 10% Asian population and a sizeable, active Korean community that regularly involves Korean adoptees in their local cultural events through the adoption agency. Interracial marriage is common here too.

 

We considered moving several years ago and I insisted on using the Census information online to consider possible locations. I did not want our child to be the only Asian in the area.

[YLVD]

I'm caucasian and my daughter( not adopted) is caucasian and asian. Yes, I do feel that it's very important. But, I would feel the same if she were not part asian. I would not raise my child in a non-diverse area. It is especially important when you have a multi-cultural family. There is a very very large asian population here, which is perfect for us.

Edited October 17, 2011 by YLVD

[momsquared]

We are an all white family and I really want to diversity for my kids. Granted where we are at is still predominately white, but it is not "white bread". I love the variety of friends they have and what they learn from it.

[butterflymommy]

Our situation is a bit different-- we are both hispanic but I am "white" hispanic, DH is "black" hispanic, and our kids range from light skinned (passing for white) to dark skinned. We have lived in predominantly black neighborhoods and predominantly white neighborhoods and never had any trouble (in the racism sense) from anyone. The only issue we did have was that my kids were teased and bullied in school, and it was sometimes racial, by black kids (the white kids left them alone). But I don't know if that was truly a racism thing of just kids being rotten and looking for any difference to pick on. Of course, if you are homeschooling, you're going to avoid a lot of bullying issues.

 

It has never really mattered to me what race of people we are living around. My kids sometimes visit my parents who live in a very "white bread" town and they have never received any bad comments or remarks. In fact people seem to go out of their way to be nice to them.

 

JMO, I think you should move to where you feel you have the best support and homeschooling environment, regardless of race,

[Heather in Neverland]

Thank you for all your awesome advice. It gives me a lot to think about. I have to make a decision in the next three months so stay tuned...:D

[Cammie]

I wouldn't say we look for "diversity" but I would definately want to live in a place where we would have access to other Indians/Indian cultural events. DH is Indian and one reason we moved to India when the kids were really young is so they have the experience of growing up seeped in this culture. It is no so "diverse" here (pretty much Indians!) but it has been great for our kids!