Venting vs. Whining

[Audrey]

So... what is your threshold of tolerance for when venting becomes whining? I totally understand the need to vent about something, but at what point do you start to think of it as whining?

 

Let's say... hypothetically, of course... that you have an acquaintance (not a good friend, but not an unfriendly relationship, IYKWIM) and that person vents -- a lot, or so it seems to you. If this person were to vent 2-3 times a week about the same or similar things, and they never really wanted to hear any advice to make it better, nor really make any real steps toward improving the situation, would you say that is no longer venting and has become whining? What about if the venting were more like 3-5 times a week? Would a daily vent (7 or more times a week) become whining then?

 

Or is whining completely unrelated to venting in your mind and there is no threshold to cross on the issue?

 

Lastly, do you ever experience self-control issues whereupon you just bless the heck out of the person's little heart and tell them you've come across less wine(whine) in Burgundy?

[JudoMom]

So... what is your threshold of tolerance for when venting becomes whining? I totally understand the need to vent about something, but at what point do you start to think of it as whining?

 

Let's say... hypothetically, of course... that you have an acquaintance (not a good friend, but not an unfriendly relationship, IYKWIM) and that person vents -- a lot, or so it seems to you. If this person were to vent 2-3 times a week about the same or similar things, and they never really wanted to hear any advice to make it better, nor really make any real steps toward improving the situation, would you say that is no longer venting and has become whining? What about if the venting were more like 3-5 times a week? Would a daily vent (7 or more times a week) become whining then?

 

Or is whining completely unrelated to venting in your mind and there is no threshold to cross on the issue?

 

Lastly, do you ever experience self-control issues whereupon you just bless the heck out of the person's little heart and tell them you've come across less wine(whine) in Burgundy?

 

I'd say if you vent more than 2-3 times about something that you are doing nothing to change, then it turns into whining. Even if you can't change a situation, you can change your response to it, if that makes sense.

 

And yes, I've experienced that self-control issue.

[happi duck]

IMHO, venting is a one time thing...release the pressure 'safely' and move on. Venting is done safely by choosing to vent to someone outside the situation so the situation is not made worse.

 

Whining is an ongoing plea for attention to anyone who will listen.

 

I have patience for venting and limited patience for whining...we all need to vent or whine sometimes!

[Impish]

:lol:

Honestly, my reaction in the difference btwn 'venting' and 'whining' is very subjective, and even biased.

 

For one thing, my tolerance level rises dramatically with the closeness of the relationship.

 

Tone of voice has a lot to do with it too. To me, venting is more a frustrated, even angry thing...whining is a 'poor me, I'm helpless/hopeless, nobody understands me, going to go in the garden and eat worms' sort of tone. Whining expects nothing will ever improve...venting is releasing pressure and there's the underlying current of, 'this sucks butt, eventually it'll pass/we'll deal/etc'

[MelanieM]

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Edited October 12, 2011 by MelanieM

[Audrey]

:lol:

Honestly, my reaction in the difference btwn 'venting' and 'whining' is very subjective, and even biased.

 

For one thing, my tolerance level rises dramatically with the closeness of the relationship.

 

Tone of voice has a lot to do with it too. To me, venting is more a frustrated, even angry thing...whining is a 'poor me, I'm helpless/hopeless, nobody understands me, going to go in the garden and eat worms' sort of tone. Whining expects nothing will ever improve...venting is releasing pressure and there's the underlying current of, 'this sucks butt, eventually it'll pass/we'll deal/etc'

 

So... what about giving a long laundry list of everything that sucks in your day (and this list is repeated regularly, with advice or attempts to be helpful brushed aside and no effort given to changing any of it)? Whining or venting?

 

What about the same problem, which seems to repeat itself again and again in the person's life? Venting or whining?

[Lara in Colo]

Sometimes venting becomes bashing. When the situation is not fixed, or over and the "venting" is still going on, but with a person as the focus, I consider it bashing and I will put a halt to it.

 

I agree with Imp that whining is an attitude and a tone.

 

As to what to do with constant "venting" I guess after a while I would gently lead to a solution bound conversation.

[Audrey]

IMHO, venting is a one time thing...release the pressure 'safely' and move on. Venting is done safely by choosing to vent to someone outside the situation so the situation is not made worse.

 

Whining is an ongoing plea for attention to anyone who will listen.

 

I have patience for venting and limited patience for whining...we all need to vent or whine sometimes!

 

 

Could you tell me how you define "plea for attention?" I thought I understood what that meant and could tell one when I heard it, but I'm wondering if my understanding is shared or just specific to me.

[MelanieM]

Here is a story from Daughters of Copper Woman by Anne Cameron, a "retelling of Northwest Coast Indian myths shared by a few loving Native women of Vancouver Island...it is most treasured for its shining vision of the social and spiritual power of women."

 

Sometimes the women warriors would meet without the men, to sit in a circle and talk women talk, and if a woman had somethin' botherin' her, or puzzlin' her, or scarin' her, or makin' her feel uneasy, she'd say what it was. She could take all the time she needed to talk about it, but it was expected she'd have put some of her own time into findin' the words and not talk in circles, endlessly, takin' up everyone else's time.

 

Then the other women in the circle who had maybe had somethin' the same happen in their lives would talk about it, and about what they'd done, or hadn't done, or should have done, and sometimes out of it would come an answer for the sister with problems. And even if not, sometimes it was enough to just have been heard and given love.

 

It was expected that besides just talkin' about what was botherin' you, you'd *do* somethin' about it. Usually it's better to *do* almost anythin' than let things continue if they're botherin' you. But sometimes the best thing you can *do* is nothin'. Sometimes you have to wait for the right Time before you can do.

 

A woman would come to the circle as often as she needed, but the circle wasn't there to encourage a woman to only talk about her problems. The first three times you came with the same story, the women would listen and try to help. But if you showed up the fourth time, and it was just the same old tired thing, the others in the circle would just get up and move and re-form the circle somewhere else. They didn't say the problem wasn't important, they just said, by movin', that it was *your* problem and it was time you did somethin' about it, you'd taken up all the time in other people's lives as was goin' to be given to you, and it was time to stop talkin' and *do* somethin'.

 

When someone vents to me over and over with no intention of changing, I move the circle.

Edited October 12, 2011 by MelanieM

[Audrey]

Sometimes venting becomes bashing. When the situation is not fixed, or over and the "venting" is still going on, but with a person as the focus, I consider it bashing and I will put a halt to it.

 

I agree with Imp that whining is an attitude and a tone.

 

As to what to do with constant "venting" I guess after a while I would gently lead to a solution bound conversation.

 

 

I agree that venting about a person could quickly become a bash-fest. This ... hypothetical... person vents/whines about the same situations and events in his/her life, not people specifically.

 

What if the hypothetical person continually brushes off any attempts to seek solutions to the vent/whine issues?

[Lara in Colo]

So... what about giving a long laundry list of everything that sucks in your day (and this list is repeated regularly, with advice or attempts to be helpful brushed aside and no effort given to changing any of it)? Whining or venting?

 

What about the same problem, which seems to repeat itself again and again in the person's life? Venting or whining?

 

Hmmm... this is hard, because the listener wears out. I still consider it venting, just a non productive cycle. Sometimes our solutions aren't really a possibility for others and they cannot really explain why. What seems easy and reasonable to you isn't right for them. You can limit how often you have to listen though.

[Impish]

So... what about giving a long laundry list of everything that sucks in your day (and this list is repeated regularly, with advice or attempts to be helpful brushed aside and no effort given to changing any of it)? Whining or venting?

Hmmm.

 

If its a constant, 'wash, rinse, repeat', I'd probably go with whining.

 

Then again, I might start cutting them off and asking, "So, what's going RIGHT today?"

 

Sometimes ppl get caught in a rut, and a good nudge can help them to see differently.

 

It really depends on how close the relationship is, tbh. If its someone that's close, I'd have no problem saying, "You seem to really be focusing on the negative, what's going on?"

 

Sometimes ppl are caught up in a whirlwind that everything around them seems to be turning to carp, and there's little that can actually done other than stand there like a jacka$$ in a hailstorm and take it...while venting to a friend. ;)

[Audrey]

Here is a story from Daughters of Copper Woman by Anne Cameron, a "retelling of Northwest Coast Indian myths shared by a few loving Native women of Vancouver Island...it is most treasured for its shining vision of the social and spiritual power of women."

 

 

 

When someone vents to me over and over with no intention of changing, I move the circle.

 

 

Love that story! The three times rule is a good one, too. :001_smile:

[gaillardia]

So... what about giving a long laundry list of everything that sucks in your day (and this list is repeated regularly, with advice or attempts to be helpful brushed aside and no effort given to changing any of it)? Whining or venting?

 

What about the same problem, which seems to repeat itself again and again in the person's life? Venting or whining?

Sounds like whining to me for the first.

For the second, sounds like whining to me also.

Sometimes people need to get a life.

Sometimes people need to go to a self-help group because they are co-dependents and dysfunctional.

Like I've heard my co-horts here say, "somebody needs to put on their big girls panties.'

Edited October 12, 2011 by gingerh

[Heather in Neverland]

Just "listening" is not one of my strong points. My dh says I am like a man because I always want to fix everything and sometimes people just want to vent but not fix the issue. That just makes me go :001_huh:.

 

So I have to work very hard to just sit and listen and NOT offer any advice but it does not come natural to me. I have one friend who is a drama queen and always has some kind of major crisis going on (in her mind at least). I call her calamity Jane. I do a lot of deep breathing to control my need to fix her (and honestly, I answer about 1 out of every 5 calls).

 

I am a work in progress.:tongue_smilie:

[Audrey]

Just "listening" is not one of my strong points. My dh says I am like a man because I always want to fix everything and sometimes people just want to vent but not fix the issue. That just makes me go :001_huh:.

 

So I have to work very hard to just sit and listen and NOT offer any advice but it does not come natural to me. I have one friend who is a drama queen and always has some kind of major crisis going on (in her mind at least). I call her calamity Jane. I do a lot of deep breathing to control my need to fix her (and honestly, I answer about 1 out of every 5 calls).

 

I am a work in progress.:tongue_smilie:

 

 

I am a "fixer" by nature as well. I do understand that sometimes people just want to vent, but oh darlin'! Does it have to be every. single. time. you (referring to hypothetical person). see. me?!

[swellmomma]

It's probably not a good thing (or maybe it is) that this thread made me stop to evaluate if I am venting or whining about my life. I try really hard in person and online not to whine, but now I am evaluating if I really am doing more whining than not. Usually when a thread resonates with me like this, it is with good reason.

 

As to answer the actual question if it was someone irl that was venting/whining to me I would likely ask what they were wanting to change in it, or what exactly they needed from me if I thought it was the same thing again and again. If it was someone that I was close enough to (as in not necessarily great friends but someone I saw often) I might ask if they know what the definition of insanity is. If it is online I just skip those posts/threads/emails

[Mimm]

Venting, for me, happens in the heat of the moment. Some family drama crops up and I just have to totally go on a b***h-fest about it. Get it out of my system, you know? :) It's not about solving the problem it's just about needing to gripe for a few minutes. That's another thing. Venting shouldn't last very long, whines can last longer. Venting can devolve into whining as your anger goes away but you're still upset.

 

When I'm whining (and yes, I can admit that I can get very whiny), I get weepy and I'm usually talking about stuff in the past that's cropping up and bothering me again. It's not something recent that I'm angry about though it might be triggered by something recent, but that's too minor to push me into full blown venting. I only subject my husband to my whining, never a friend.

 

So that's how I would separate the two. I've never had a friend who whines at me, but I do have a family member and I tolerate it because she's family. Then when I'm off the phone, I vent to my husband about having to listen to it yet again. ;)

 

ETA: My rules for both vents and whines is that you choose your audience very wisely. You're usually looking for someone to agree with you and you might say things that you don't really mean because you're upset. Pick people who will listen to a vent non-judgmentally and kick your butt if you whine too much and above all, who will keep your confidences. ;)

[elegantlion]

I am a "fixer" by nature as well. I do understand that sometimes people just want to vent, but oh darlin'! Does it have to be every. single. time. you (referring to hypothetical person). see. me?!

 

Maybe you just need to say that, or something like that. Take this person for coffee and nix the negative talk.

 

Is this situation something they have the power to fix or do they feel trapped? Do they feel safe with you? or are you simply the nearest ear? Do you know the whole story, both, all sides?

 

The last year or more of my life has sucked. I'm sure the people I vent to are sick of it. It's a complicated situation and I may not share all the details with everyone. But yeah, this makes me wonder if they're just sick of my whining. :tongue_smilie:

 

1. the person may be depressed by the whole thing. It's easy to blow off viable solutions when you're so far down you can't see up. If they are, find a way to cheer them up for a moment, focus on something good in your time together.

 

2. Be blunt. Ask them if they are looking for solutions are if they just like to complain. Some people like to complain about everything, some people need a nudge to remind them they are doing it.

 

3. Set a boundary in your time together. I like you, I'll spend time with you, but we are not allowed to discuss X. Then talk about fall or hobbies or whatever.

[Happy]

So... what about giving a long laundry list of everything that sucks in your day (and this list is repeated regularly, with advice or attempts to be helpful brushed aside and no effort given to changing any of it)? Whining or venting?

 

What about the same problem, which seems to repeat itself again and again in the person's life? Venting or whining?

 

I believe whining can become a habit. My MIL has it. My husband has to repeatedly derail her train of thought by asking 'what's good in your life? What's made you happy lately?'

 

I want people to choose to see the good. I want everyone to read Victor Frankl's book, 'A Man's Search For Meaning' to help see how choosing our attitude is our last and final freedom. We can be hummingbirds looking for sweet beauty or vultures seeking rotten...

 

A vent is a short term thing...if it happens and happens, continue to change the subject. If you can't do that, avoid the person.

[WarriorMama]

Audrey, I didn't know you knew my mother! :tongue_smilie:

 

In all seriousness, it sounds like whining. In my mind, venting isn't a repetitive situation, it's a way to blow off steam or express something pent up. Same old complaints over and over with no attempt at resolving the underlying issues = whining. IMO.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I see a vent as being a short blowing off of steam about something you can't change (like someone else's behavior) or something you are in the midst of changing but are still frustrated about in the meantime.

 

I do not like whining although I have to admit that I have been a whiner at times.

[Farrar]

I'm a real venter. I do it and move on. But I do it a good bit.

 

One thing I've learned though is that different people hear it differently. To some people, any venting is whining. Or worse, it's something where you're expecting the ventee to do something or take on your vent, as if you've transferred it. So, venting in good relationships only.

[Audrey]

Maybe you just need to say that, or something like that. Take this person for coffee and nix the negative talk.

 

Is this situation something they have the power to fix or do they feel trapped? Do they feel safe with you? or are you simply the nearest ear? Do you know the whole story, both, all sides?

 

The last year or more of my life has sucked. I'm sure the people I vent to are sick of it. It's a complicated situation and I may not share all the details with everyone. But yeah, this makes me wonder if they're just sick of my whining. :tongue_smilie:

 

1. the person may be depressed by the whole thing. It's easy to blow off viable solutions when you're so far down you can't see up. If they are, find a way to cheer them up for a moment, focus on something good in your time together.

 

2. Be blunt. Ask them if they are looking for solutions are if they just like to complain. Some people like to complain about everything, some people need a nudge to remind them they are doing it.

 

3. Set a boundary in your time together. I like you, I'll spend time with you, but we are not allowed to discuss X. Then talk about fall or hobbies or whatever.

 

 

This person -- and here, let me say, sc**w it to the hypothetical part, because y'all know darn well, it's not hypothetical, and I'm tired of trying to be neutral about this -- this person has made some choices that are not very mature choices. They are, in fact, poorly planned, poorly thought-out, life changing choices. Almost all of the things she complains about are results of those poor choices. She continues to make the same poor choices repeatedly (and even attempt to justify them!), yet seems surprised that the resulting issues continue to be the same. She also has young children, and a spouse who is just as impulsive, immature and yes, lazy, as she is. (There goes the last shred of my attempt at neutrality!)

 

I think that is the most frustrating part of it. The complaints about this, that and the other thing with the children. Anyone (except this person) can see that the children are simply reacting to the parent's poor choices and the situations that are foisted upon them.

 

Now, I'm venting. And, I think I'll shut up before it becomes a whine.

 

I appreciate the input very much, though. I can see that my idea of whine isn't the same as some others. Whine comes in shades other than just red and white.

[justamouse]

A vent is when it's an outloud count to ten so you can go back to the situation with your head screwed on right.

 

Whining is when you place yourself as a victim and constantly want sympathy.

 

:grouphug:

[PeacefulChaos]

:lol:

Honestly, my reaction in the difference btwn 'venting' and 'whining' is very subjective, and even biased.

 

For one thing, my tolerance level rises dramatically with the closeness of the relationship.

 

Tone of voice has a lot to do with it too. To me, venting is more a frustrated, even angry thing...whining is a 'poor me, I'm helpless/hopeless, nobody understands me, going to go in the garden and eat worms' sort of tone. Whining expects nothing will ever improve...venting is releasing pressure and there's the underlying current of, 'this sucks butt, eventually it'll pass/we'll deal/etc'

 

This pretty much sums up my feelings about it.

[Kirch]

Haven't read the thread yet--my initial thoughts:

Venting is when you really try to deal with things, but frustration/anger finally build up and then you blow because you can't handle it anymore. You feel better (if a bit sheepish) after you do it.

 

Whining is the constant, slow leak, like a tiny hole in a balloon. It doesn't make ANYBODY feel better. And it's really, really obnoxious.

 

Off to read the thread now!

Edited October 13, 2011 by Kirch

[Kirch]

This person -- and here, let me say, sc**w it to the hypothetical part, because y'all know darn well, it's not hypothetical, and I'm tired of trying to be neutral about this -- this person has made some choices that are not very mature choices. They are, in fact, poorly planned, poorly thought-out, life changing choices. Almost all of the things she complains about are results of those poor choices. She continues to make the same poor choices repeatedly (and even attempt to justify them!), yet seems surprised that the resulting issues continue to be the same. She also has young children, and a spouse who is just as impulsive, immature and yes, lazy, as she is. (There goes the last shred of my attempt at neutrality!)

 

I think that is the most frustrating part of it. The complaints about this, that and the other thing with the children. Anyone (except this person) can see that the children are simply reacting to the parent's poor choices and the situations that are foisted upon them.

 

Now, I'm venting. And, I think I'll shut up before it becomes a whine.

 

I appreciate the input very much, though. I can see that my idea of whine isn't the same as some others. Whine comes in shades other than just red and white.

 

Sounds like whining to me. Constant, annoying, not admitting her responsibility for the issues but still complaining AND clearly not really trying to DO anything about it? Yup, I'd say whining. Trying to justify is a big flag too, I think.

 

Now, if she was trying to change and was frustrated with her inability to act responsibly, that might be venting.

[FairyMom]

In all seriousness, it sounds like whining. In my mind, venting isn't a repetitive situation, it's a way to blow off steam or express something pent up. Same old complaints over and over with no attempt at resolving the underlying issues = whining. IMO.

 

Also, when people whine, it is draining, exhausting!

 

Venting, I usually get excited by whatever is going on because you empathize, it's not a normal state for this particular person to be in.

[Amy in NH]

So... what about giving a long laundry list of everything that sucks in your day (and this list is repeated regularly, with advice or attempts to be helpful brushed aside and no effort given to changing any of it)? Whining or venting?

 

What about the same problem, which seems to repeat itself again and again in the person's life? Venting or whining?

 

I have someone in my life who calls me sometimes up to three times per day to do exactly what you have described. It is beyond frustrating because she doesn't seem to want to fix the problem.

[happi duck]

Could you tell me how you define "plea for attention?" I thought I understood what that meant and could tell one when I heard it, but I'm wondering if my understanding is shared or just specific to me.

 

I think chronic whiners like to be the center of attention. Our culture generally discourages bragging but talking about yourself regarding how bad your life is...is somehow acceptable, KWIM? I find whining to be about attention, not solutions.

 

I have a whiner in my life and I have to stay away when possible. In addition to whining, when this person is offered help, it's the old "no, that's okay, I don't want to be a bother". We've started saying "ok" instead of insisting "please, it's no bother, we want to help...please let us help"

[MelanieM]

I think chronic whiners like to be the center of attention. Our culture generally discourages bragging but talking about yourself regarding how bad your life is...is somehow acceptable, KWIM? I find whining to be about attention, not solutions.

 

 

Oh gosh, this is so true!! And it goes for chronic venting or whining, or whatever else you want to call it. Basically, it's considered completely acceptable to complain about anything and everything, and if you aren't complaining people think you're abnormal or somehow full of yourself, etc.

 

Even around here on the forums, people are generally comfortable about "venting", but I often see people begging forgiveness any time they post a "brag" thread.

 

I think this also shines a little light on why some people are chronic complainers. If it's not ok to celebrate and talk positively about yourself all the time, what other options do you have? We're all pretty much like toddlers, really... we'll take whatever attention we can get.

 

Yeah, great insight HD!

[LaxMom]

I see a vent as being a short blowing off of steam about something you can't change (like someone else's behavior) or something you are in the midst of changing but are still frustrated about in the meantime.

 

I do not like whining although I have to admit that I have been a whiner at times.

 

A vent is when it's an outloud count to ten so you can go back to the situation with your head screwed on right.

 

Whining is when you place yourself as a victim and constantly want sympathy.

 

 

 

Yes, these. And when one constantly sets one's self up to be the victim and have my sympathy, that's when I start to back away slowly. If it's really nutty, I just run like he!!.