My heart aches (long...sorry)

[seraphina]

I have had issues with my mom over the years. She wasn't the best mom but I think she was the best mom she could be. I am a grown adult with a family of my own, so despite my youth things have worked out in the end. I just try not to dwell on the past too much.

 

My mom and step-dad are losing their home, it's being foreclosed on. It upsets me and part of the reason is just because of the crummy economy and medical bills, part of it is because she has a habit of living beyond her means. She has declared bankruptcy twice before. So this isn't only a bad set of circumstances.

 

Anyhow she stopped paying for her mortgage a little under a year ago and has put the money aside. She was trying to get a loan modification and was told to not pay the mortgage and set the money aside. Whatever, I am not going to judge her. I pay my bills and live within my means but thats just how we chose to live. We will never be rich but we will never be in debt.

 

So about two months ago she started hinting that dh (who she works for part-time) should buy her a duplex in his name for her to live in and that she would pay the mortgage. We let it slide because at that time she hadn't received a foreclosure notice. Well about three weeks ago she finally got the notice and started looking at single family homes. She just assumed we would buy her one although we told her repeatedly we didn't think we could.

 

My mom doesn't ask, she just expects, that is how she has always been. It's taken me years of self reflection and therapy to learn that the only way to make my mom happy is to do what she wants, no matter what, it means putting her above everyone else. So a couple years ago I stopped doing that, I am a healthier and happier person because of it but my relationship with her has been strained. I no longer drop everything for her and that is unacceptable to her.

 

Anyhow back to the story. She found a house she liked and wanted me to go with my step-dad so that they could put an offer in, she didn't want to go to the office. This made me really anxious and I ended up shutting down for several days. I was stressed as it was and this pushed me over the edge. I have some mental health issues and somedays are worse than others. So dh told her we couldn't help her, it wasn't our place and that he felt she should rent. He also explained that we are only a couple years from time for our dc will be going to college and we do not want to place our finances in risk.

 

She was livid. Responded in an email, made some disparaging remarks about how I need to get over my issues and that she will never ask for anything from us again. It was a very immature rant. She has not spoken to dh or I in three weeks. Remember she works for dh and this is now affecting his business. I have called her, she hasn't called back. She hasn't seen the kids (she lives less than a mile away). I have texted her, no response. Sent her emails, no response. Dh even went over to the house and she hid upstairs.

 

She wants an apology from us for treating her like a child. And I don't think we did anything wrong. I love my mom, but I just handle this stress in my life. I have 5 children, I can't have my mom acting like another one. I have tried to be honest with her but she refuses to listen to anything she doesn't want to hear.

 

I just am at a loss and it hurts. She is the only family I have, my father got remarried 24 years ago and abandoned me. I just feel like no matter what I do it's never good enough, it's never been good enough. I try to get over things but my past just haunts me. I know I am a good person but to her I will never be good enough. Oh well, sorry just wondering if anyone has any advice, any words of wisdom.

[chepyl]

:grouphug: You made a good decision. She has made poor decisions, you cannot let that effect your life. :grouphug:

[Mommyof4ks]

:grouphug::grouphug:

 

I have no advice, but FWIW I agree with your decision not to bail her out.

[TheApprentice]

:grouphug: She is not the only family you have. You sound like you have a wonderful husband and 5 children. That's where your energy goes. Not with your Mommy. You stated that she is only happy if she gets what she wants. Well, this just sounds like manipulation. Did therapy help you not to get sucked in to her manipulation? Stick with your decision and be a great wife and mother to your family.

[nono]

:grouphug: She is not the only family you have. You sound like you have a wonderful husband and 5 children.

 

100% this.

 

And, if I were your husband (which in itself would be quite a feat :D), I'd be documenting, in writing, how her work is affecting business. If she can't see that she is literally biting the hand that feeds her, well, she's going to be in a bigger mess soon, isn't she?

Edited October 2, 2011 by nono

[Cheryl in NM]

:grouphug::grouphug:

 

I have no advice, just wanted to offer support. FWIW, I think you are in the right and that it would serve no good purpose to give in to your mom.

 

:grouphug::grouphug:

[nono]

P.S. :grouphug: too, sorry, forgot that. I'm so hopping mad on your behalf that I forgot that part. I'm sorry your heart is heavy. :grouphug:

[meggie]

You did the right thing. Did she not do her work for the three weeks, is that why it's affecting the business? If that's the case, she needs to be fired immediately.

 

She sounds like an excellent guilt-tripper and manipulator. Any further conversations along those lines need to be met with, "I'm sorry you feel that way," from you WITHOUT you giving into her. I am sorry. I haven't spoken to my father in two years because he's a narcissistic jerk and thinks the world revolves around him and I refuse to be pulled into his manipulation. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Be strong.

[linguistmama]

:grouphug: I think you absolutely did the right thing! I have issues with my mom too and it's tough, :grouphug:

[seraphina]

Thanks so much to all of you. I know we did the right thing but it just hurts. My kids love her and they are suffering because grandma and grandpa haven't had them over. That ticks me off. Don't put my kids in the middle just because you made bad decisions. We won't budge on buying her a house, we know she is manipulative, it just sucks, it just makes me sad and angry at the same time. As for dh's business, she is doing her job but she isn't calling dh she is sending emails and sometimes emails are not quick enough as he is in his car a lot. He told her today that she needs to start calling him daily, if she doesn't then he will have no choice but to replace her.

 

At some point she has to start taking responsibility for herself. As much as I want to hold on to her I just can't, my kids and dh are more important to me.

 

Once again I know we did the right thing but sometimes doing the right thing is painful. I have this personality where I feel guilty about everything. I am working on it and situations like this do test me but I will survive. I just may not talk to my mom. She really needs to grow up and I can't force her to.

 

Thanks again all.

[Truscifi]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: I'm sorry you are going through this, but it sounds like you are doing the right thing.

[nd293]

I think sometimes you just have to let go .. She's not the only family you have - it sounds like you have made yourself a wonderful family, with husband and five children. You need to look forward. Disentangling ourselves from parents can be hard, but you have made a good decision that protects the future of your children. I've done some "disentangling", so I know it never really feels good, but it does feel better than being emotionally involved in a draining relationship.

[meggie]

Thanks so much to all of you. I know we did the right thing but it just hurts. My kids love her and they are suffering because grandma and grandpa haven't had them over. That ticks me off. Don't put my kids in the middle just because you made bad decisions. We won't budge on buying her a house, we know she is manipulative, it just sucks, it just makes me sad and angry at the same time. As for dh's business, she is doing her job but she isn't calling dh she is sending emails and sometimes emails are not quick enough as he is in his car a lot. He told her today that she needs to start calling him daily, if she doesn't then he will have no choice but to replace her.

 

At some point she has to start taking responsibility for herself. As much as I want to hold on to her I just can't, my kids and dh are more important to me.

 

Once again I know we did the right thing but sometimes doing the right thing is painful. I have this personality where I feel guilty about everything. I am working on it and situations like this do test me but I will survive. I just may not talk to my mom. She really needs to grow up and I can't force her to.

 

Thanks again all.

 

:grouphug: I am so sorry she is behaving so immaturely. I'm so sorry your children are suffering because of it. :grouphug:

[MariannNOVA]

I am sorry you are hurting :grouphug: but I think you did the right thing. I am sorry that your children are hurting.:grouphug:

[Impish]

:grouphug: She is not the only family you have. You sound like you have a wonderful husband and 5 children. That's where your energy goes. Not with your Mommy. You stated that she is only happy if she gets what she wants. Well, this just sounds like manipulation. Did therapy help you not to get sucked in to her manipulation? Stick with your decision and be a great wife and mother to your family.

:iagree:

[Merry]

first....after all, your mother most likely won't change by now and by helping her with the house, you risk her sucking you into her financial situation.

 

I hope it helps that we are agreeing with your decision:) Stay strong.

[Little Nyssa]

My poor mother had her 'issues' too-- I sympathize with you, it is hard always to be hoping that maybe this time she will be the mom you need, and she isn't, again... You are right to be strong and keep your own family from being sucked in.:grouphug:

[FrogMom5]

:grouphug: I'm sorry you are having to deal with this. You are right not to put your finances at risk. Does your mom understand that what she is requesting is putting her grandchildren's future at risk? She might not be thinking about it and will certainly deny it if you mention it, but it's true.

 

Parents can really hurt their children and grandchildren. More :grouphug:s.

Denise

[Laurie4b]

Your mom is attempting to manipulate you because she is not getting what she wants. No more to it than that. It is exactly the same as when a preschooler pitches a fit in the grocery store.

 

You need to IGNORE her. STOP trying to contact her. She has made the decision to cut off contact. Let her. Do not give her the reinforcement of pursuing her.

 

At work, dh needs to treat her like an unrelated employee. If her work performance is dropping, he needs to respond as he would to any other employee and document it.

 

This is not about you. Sorry your mom isn't the mom you need. It hurts. Glad you are being the mom your children need. You're turning things around for them.

[Denisemomof4]

aaaaaw, your post is so sad. I haven't read any responses yet because it's not going to change what I have to say.

 

If I were in your shoes, I'd send her one final text and leave one final phone message. If she doesn't show up at work, you will be forced to hire a new employee. Because your mother has a habit of taking advantage of you, I think it would be in your best interest anyways not to have her as an employee. Especially if she's going to be so immature and manipulative.

 

I know what it feels like to have no family. It hurts and it stinks. But you know what? It's PEACEFUL. I have a sister that I hadn't spoken to in 10 years, and then we connected while caring for my parents in their final months of life. We only remained in contact little over a year. She is so controlling, fights with everyone, etc. It was so stressful having her back in my life. My kids have no other family (dh's sisters are 16 and 18 years older than him, and both moved out of state as soon as they turned 18 to get away from MIL, who is another story!) other than my brother, who is mentally ill and is only minimally involved with them. He comes over to our house fairly regularly, he's just very, very quiet.

 

I'm so glad your husband said NO to the house. I think it's awful that your mother even asked! THey clearly haven't learned to manage money well, and it's not your responsibility to bail them out of their financial mess. You would only be enabling them.

 

I don't know where you stand spiritually, but there's a book I read that was LIFE CHANGING for me! It's called Boundaries by Trent and Townsend. Sorry, I can't remember their first names! It was life changing for me. You truly need some serious boundaries up to protect yourself from your narcissistic mother.

 

I'm so sorry for your hurt.:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[Trish]

So sorry you're dealing with this. My advice would be to not let YOUR past become your children's PRESENT. Meaning, if mom can't act in a healthy and non-manipulative way, then you don't have contact with her until she can. For your children's sake.

 

They are better off with no extended family than damaging extended family. Not saying it has to be this way forever, but it appears that way for now. Good luck...I'll pray.

[Denisemomof4]

Thanks so much to all of you. I know we did the right thing but it just hurts. My kids love her and they are suffering because grandma and grandpa haven't had them over. That ticks me off. Don't put my kids in the middle just because you made bad decisions. We won't budge on buying her a house, we know she is manipulative, it just sucks, it just makes me sad and angry at the same time. As for dh's business, she is doing her job but she isn't calling dh she is sending emails and sometimes emails are not quick enough as he is in his car a lot. He told her today that she needs to start calling him daily, if she doesn't then he will have no choice but to replace her.

 

At some point she has to start taking responsibility for herself. As much as I want to hold on to her I just can't, my kids and dh are more important to me.

 

Once again I know we did the right thing but sometimes doing the right thing is painful. I have this personality where I feel guilty about everything. I am working on it and situations like this do test me but I will survive. I just may not talk to my mom. She really needs to grow up and I can't force her to.

 

Thanks again all.

 

I think it's really awful that she's doing this to your kids. Can you tell your kids to call her if they want to talk to her? Maybe they could set up a time to visit with her? Make sure she knows that discussing the situation with your kids is NOT ALLOWED.

[Denisemomof4]

If your mom refuses to call your dh instead of the emails, I'd put her on warning. If she still won't comply, I'd fire her. The business is the livelihood of your family. Don't let her ruin it or compromise it in any way!

[brehon]

Your mom is attempting to manipulate you because she is not getting what she wants. No more to it than that. It is exactly the same as when a preschooler pitches a fit in the grocery store.

 

You need to IGNORE her. STOP trying to contact her. She has made the decision to cut off contact. Let her. Do not give her the reinforcement of pursuing her.

 

At work, dh needs to treat her like an unrelated employee. If her work performance is dropping, he needs to respond as he would to any other employee and document it.

 

This is not about you. Sorry your mom isn't the mom you need. It hurts. Glad you are being the mom your children need. You're turning things around for them.

 

 

:iagree: 100%

[Starr]

I doubt she'll stay away for good. Just be firm in your financial decisions. :grouphug:

[Harriet Vane]

:grouphug:

[OLG]

Yep, it's a two year old temper tantrum that your Mom is throwing. from experience, I know that it is very hard to parent your parents and I suspect that you have had to do that for sometime. I am so sorry for the anxiety this is causing you and your family. But, like a 2 y/o, she will get over it. You are doing exactly the right thing! Your dh, as PP has said, needs to treat her like an unrelated employee now, more than ever. Maybe this will be a wake up call for her but maybe not either. Take comfort in knowing you are setting the right example for your own children. :grouphug::grouphug:

[Laurie4b]

Thanks so much to all of you. I know we did the right thing but it just hurts. My kids love her and they are suffering because grandma and grandpa haven't had them over. That ticks me off. Don't put my kids in the middle just because you made bad decisions. We won't budge on buying her a house, we know she is manipulative, it just sucks, it just makes me sad and angry at the same time. As for dh's business, she is doing her job but she isn't calling dh she is sending emails and sometimes emails are not quick enough as he is in his car a lot. He told her today that she needs to start calling him daily, if she doesn't then he will have no choice but to replace her.

 

At some point she has to start taking responsibility for herself. As much as I want to hold on to her I just can't, my kids and dh are more important to me.

 

Once again I know we did the right thing but sometimes doing the right thing is painful. I have this personality where I feel guilty about everything. I am working on it and situations like this do test me but I will survive. I just may not talk to my mom. She really needs to grow up and I can't force her to.

 

Thanks again all.

 

I would go further than saying she is putting your kids in the middle. The truth is that she is willing to HURT your children to try to get her OWN way.

 

Don't know how old your kids are, but this may need explaining honestly if they are older. If they are younger, I might say something like, "I am sorry that you miss your grandmother. It has nothing to do with you. There are some adult things going on that she is having trouble with." And maybe plan a couple of extra nuclear family fun activities to offset their fun with grandparents.

 

I would guess that your tendency to feel "guilty about everything" was carefully taught to you by your mom over the course of your lifetime. It is her ally withIN you.

 

You might try to begin to think about it as an alien life form implanted in you that can be extracted only if you don't listen to it. Each time you listen to it, you feed it and it remains healthy enough to be her ally and cause you discomfort. Each time it cries for attention and you ignore it, it weakens and begins to lose strength. It will eventually shrivel from lack of attention and you'll be free of it.

Edited October 3, 2011 by Laurie4b

[kalanamak]

You did the right thing. Did she not do her work for the three weeks, is that why it's affecting the business? If that's the case, she needs to be fired immediately.

 

 

Stand tall. Hubby needs to send her a quick registered letter letting her know she needs to be professional about her job, or look for another. He should keep careful notes. She could sue for wrongful dismissal.

 

:grouphug: and it is HER bed she made. She has to lie in it.

[Free]

I would guess that your tendency to feel "guilty about everything" was carefully taught to you by your mom over the course of your lifetime. It is her ally withIN you.

 

Very well said Laurie.

 

To the OP: your mother has clearly learned to justify her actions to herself and to absolve herself of all responsibility in her mind. We often wish such people would realise the error of their ways or act is a less selfish way - but clearly to her, she is not being selfish at all.

 

I can understand your heartache, but please let go of your expectation that she will come around or that she will understand your perspective. :grouphug: