Impish Posted September 10, 2011 Share Posted September 10, 2011 Oh. My. Word. Wolf talked to his mother last night. Apparently, a cousin of his will be housesitting all winter in our city. MIL announced that she is going to stay with cousin, and be here for after the baby is born. :svengo: Wolf says he 'warned her off' of coming anytime soon, explaining that we don't know what condition I'll be in after baby is born...we've been warned that I may be completely incapacitated with RSD for some time, the Drs really have no way of predicting how bad it may be. But this is MIL. Wolf tells her no about anything, and its taken as an insult, or personal challenge. Even without RSD, there's no way I'd welcome my MIL for after a baby is born. She demands to be catered to, the sole centre of attention, wherever she may be...and there's simply no way that works when there's kids in the house, let alone a new baby and recovering from childbirth. Don't get me wrong...I understand her wanting to see the new baby. I do. But I also know how demanding she is, and I just cannot see dealing well with her at all if she shows up on the heels of the baby's arrival. I cannot fathom having to cater to her with a new baby in the house. I wouldn't, but I also know the hysterics, etc that will happen when we don't dance to her tune. Btdt. I'm praying, that for ONCE she actually listens to Wolf, and waits until late winter/early spring to visit. And while I'm at it, I'd like to win the lotto, and have a pony. :glare: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Night Elf Posted September 10, 2011 Share Posted September 10, 2011 And while I'm at it, I'd like to win the lotto, and have a pony. :glare: Aww.. forget the pony. Win the lotto and hire a body guard that will have no problems telling her to please go away and make an appointment next time. :tongue_smilie: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Belacqua Posted September 10, 2011 Share Posted September 10, 2011 Aww.. forget the pony. Win the lotto and hire a body guard that will have no problems telling her to please go away and make an appointment next time. :tongue_smilie: Unless it is an Attack Pony...trained with MIL's scent. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ria Posted September 10, 2011 Share Posted September 10, 2011 Unless it is an Attack Pony...trained with MIL's scent. This. :lol::lol::lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Beauty From Ashes Posted September 10, 2011 Share Posted September 10, 2011 Unless it is an Attack Pony...trained with MIL's scent. I about spit out my orange juice on this one. Love it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted September 10, 2011 Author Share Posted September 10, 2011 Unless it is an Attack Pony...trained with MIL's scent. Bwah hahahahahaha!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AK_Mom4 Posted September 10, 2011 Share Posted September 10, 2011 "Too bad. Imp and the baby will be in isolation for several weeks/months/years after the baby is born per doctors' instructions. We will let you know when you can visit." But I like the Attack Pony best of all..... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Little Nyssa Posted September 10, 2011 Share Posted September 10, 2011 Well, after your description I'd be surprised if Cousin will let her stay! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted September 10, 2011 Share Posted September 10, 2011 :grouphug::grouphug: But this is MIL. Wolf tells her no about anything, and its taken as an insult, or personal challenge. I so understand. My MIL doesn't know the meaning of the word "no". I'm not sure she's capable of even hearing anyone speak it . . . . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted September 10, 2011 Author Share Posted September 10, 2011 Well, after your description I'd be surprised if Cousin will let her stay! Frankly, it always amazes me that she finds a way. She doesn't wait to be invited, generally speaking...she *tells* ppl she's coming, and nobody in her family seems to have the guts to tell her 'no'... Well, that's not totally true. Her one sister told her no this summer, which is why MIL wasn't here. :grouphug::grouphug: I so understand. My MIL doesn't know the meaning of the word "no". I'm not sure she's capable of even hearing anyone speak it . . . . Yup. Telling her no is generally a waste of breath...She acts like it was never heard, and then is all shocked and upset when ppl get angry with her over it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MariannNOVA Posted September 10, 2011 Share Posted September 10, 2011 :w00t: So, Wolf is going to talk to the cousin and wolf and cousin can double team her and keep her away.......right? :confused: Or you and wolf and the kids can disappear under dark of night? :001_huh: Go into the Witness Protection Program perhaps? :auto: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted September 10, 2011 Author Share Posted September 10, 2011 We have no contact info for the cousin. I'm really anxious about this. While Wolf was absolutely right to tell her no, I feel its like waving a flag in front of a bull. I can so totally picture her calling to announce she's purchased tix for Nov. All holy Hades will break loose if she does. Its not a matter of what we 'want', but what, realistically, we 'need'. I'll end up closing down my house completely. No, she may not come over. Nor the cousin, or any extended family that she decides to invite. No, baby and I will not be visiting her. No, no, no. And then watch the fur fly...w/her, extended family, etc. WHY does she push this carp? Seriously. Its like a power play for her. She does whatever she wants, and everyone is expected to suck it up. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Amy in NH Posted September 10, 2011 Share Posted September 10, 2011 I cannot fathom having to cater to her with a new baby in the house. I wouldn't, but I also know the hysterics, etc that will happen when we don't dance to her tune. Btdt. I'd treat her like the 2 year old she is acting. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted September 10, 2011 Share Posted September 10, 2011 We have no contact info for the cousin. I'm really anxious about this. While Wolf was absolutely right to tell her no, I feel its like waving a flag in front of a bull. I can so totally picture her calling to announce she's purchased tix for Nov. All holy Hades will break loose if she does. Its not a matter of what we 'want', but what, realistically, we 'need'. I'll end up closing down my house completely. No, she may not come over. Nor the cousin, or any extended family that she decides to invite. No, baby and I will not be visiting her. No, no, no. And then watch the fur fly...w/her, extended family, etc. WHY does she push this carp? Seriously. Its like a power play for her. She does whatever she wants, and everyone is expected to suck it up. Imp - you are not responsible for her reactions, tantrums, hurt feelings or gossip to others. You are responsible for giving clear "yes or no" responses to her requests and then following through consistently. It's not fun to have the 2 year old behavior but I wouldn't give it any more thought or angst than I would with true 2 year old behavior. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted September 10, 2011 Author Share Posted September 10, 2011 I think what worries me most about this situation is that I don't trust myself. When my pain levels are up, I'm short tempered, snappy, and have little to no paitence for bull carp. I can totally see losing it completely if she were to impose herself on us. No holds barred, just a complete explosion high and wide. I don't want to do that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alphabetika Posted September 10, 2011 Share Posted September 10, 2011 Change your locks! :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Oakblossoms Posted September 10, 2011 Share Posted September 10, 2011 1. Blow up and don't feel bad. 2. Don't let her have any part in making you worse right now. 3. Lord bless me when I am a MIL and please if that sweet person who willingly married one of my children is sick or needs help...may I care for them. 4. Get a doctors note:lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted September 10, 2011 Author Share Posted September 10, 2011 See, that's the thing. Even if MIL was a normal, rational human being, I wouldn't expect her to pitch in and help. She's in her early 80s. However, she's not normal or rational. She's a drain when she's present. She's exhausting. I know there's going to be a confrontation at some point. Her past indicates that she's going to attempt to impose herself upon us at the first available opportunity, if nothing more than in defiance of Wolf telling her not to. It'll happen either over the phone, when she calls to announce when she's coming and/or when she arrives. I guess I just resent being put in this position at all. I have more than enough to deal with, with a new baby coming and RSD. I really don't need more to deal with. I just wish she'd get her head out of her ack and actually *consider* other ppl for once in her selfish life. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tess in the Burbs Posted September 10, 2011 Share Posted September 10, 2011 BTDT Dh told his mom to come a week after the baby was born. She showed up the day after he was born. He told her to go away. She did but it's never been the same since. Some MIL don't listen, never will listen, and you might as well expect her to show up anyway and be prepared for how dh will handle it then. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted September 10, 2011 Author Share Posted September 10, 2011 BTDT Dh told his mom to come a week after the baby was born. She showed up the day after he was born. He told her to go away. She did but it's never been the same since. Some MIL don't listen, never will listen, and you might as well expect her to show up anyway and be prepared for how dh will handle it then. That's part of the problem. MIL never just takes Wolf's word. She'll call at times she knows he's at work, or if she's talking to one of the kids, get them to give me the phone, and then I have to deal with her. She acts like Wolf never said a word, and then I'm in the position of having to repeat everything like its brand new, and deal with her hysterics. And yes, I do use caller id. Faithfully. And I do my best to disappear when she's talking on the phone with the kids so that they can honestly say I'm laying down and I can avoid her. Why does it have to get the point that I feel like I'm being harsh or nasty to get through to her on any level? I really don't like it. Being kind doesn't get through, it just doesn't. Bah. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MariannNOVA Posted September 10, 2011 Share Posted September 10, 2011 We have no contact info for the cousin. I'm really anxious about this. While Wolf was absolutely right to tell her no, I feel its like waving a flag in front of a bull. I can so totally picture her calling to announce she's purchased tix for Nov. All holy Hades will break loose if she does. Its not a matter of what we 'want', but what, realistically, we 'need'. I'll end up closing down my house completely. No, she may not come over. Nor the cousin, or any extended family that she decides to invite. No, baby and I will not be visiting her. No, no, no. And then watch the fur fly...w/her, extended family, etc. WHY does she push this carp? Seriously. Its like a power play for her. She does whatever she wants, and everyone is expected to suck it up. It is cold and flu season -- NO VISITORS! In fact, our twins were born at the end of October AND they were full term and we were told when leaving the hospital: It's the beginning of cold and flu season -- no visitors. It kept my mil away.;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted September 10, 2011 Share Posted September 10, 2011 Why does it have to get the point that I feel like I'm being harsh or nasty to get through to her on any level? I really don't like it. Being kind doesn't get through, it just doesn't. Bah. You have to get over this. Just like you're not responsible for her reactions to you, she can't be responsible for your reactions to her. It isn't fun, but you have to learn to say "No" simply but firmly. If she pushes, then it isn't harsh or nasty to say "I said no, and mean it." It is being truthful even if it isn't what she wants to hear. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Puma Mom Posted September 10, 2011 Share Posted September 10, 2011 Why does it have to get the point that I feel like I'm being harsh or nasty to get through to her on any level? I really don't like it. Being kind doesn't get through, it just doesn't. IMHO, her behavior lets you off the hook for worrying about getting through to her. She's deliberately not going to get the message, so don't make that your goal. Your goal is to say the words. "Sorry, mil. As dh said, we're not going to be entertaining visitors for at least X weeks after the baby is born. (The President/God/pick a figure) could make a special trip just to come and see our baby, and we would tell him to come back in the spring. I understand that you wish it were different, but it's not. So....how has your fall been? " If she continues to push it, signal to a child who yells for you and say, "Sorry, I need to go." and hang up. Think of it as a game. She tries to get her way, and you respond. The way you win is to be calm and direct and say what you need to say. Don't argue. Don't explain. It is what it is. She will try to get you to crack and lose it with her. 'Cause then she's won. Be amused, like you would with a 2yo who wants ice cream for dinner. If you can't be calm with her, don't answer the phone when it's her. Have only dh answer her calls. If he gives the phone to a dc to speak with her and she asks to speak with you, instruct them to silently give it to dh instead. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MamaBearMO Posted September 10, 2011 Share Posted September 10, 2011 I think what worries me most about this situation is that I don't trust myself. When my pain levels are up, I'm short tempered, snappy, and have little to no paitence for bull carp. I can totally see losing it completely if she were to impose herself on us. No holds barred, just a complete explosion high and wide. I don't want to do that. Read The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MamaBearMO Posted September 10, 2011 Share Posted September 10, 2011 To understand why she ignores Wolf, you can read Harpy's Child. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tammyla Posted September 10, 2011 Share Posted September 10, 2011 I'm sorry...I get how you feel and just send hugs. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted September 10, 2011 Author Share Posted September 10, 2011 Thanks everyone. :grouphug: I guess I feel a bit helpless when dealing with her sometimes, b/c nothing we ever say seems to matter at all. Sometimes I wonder why bother struggling, b/c she'll do whatever she'll do anyways, and all that seems to happen is I'm left angry, resentful and ticked off. I guess I'm just exhausted right now. I don't have the energy to deal with anything more, and dealing with her is a soul sucking waste of time. I think all I *can* do is refuse to engage. If she comes, I'll refuse to see her, and keep baby with me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kirch Posted September 10, 2011 Share Posted September 10, 2011 (edited) Thanks everyone. :grouphug: I guess I feel a bit helpless when dealing with her sometimes, b/c nothing we ever say seems to matter at all. Sometimes I wonder why bother struggling, b/c she'll do whatever she'll do anyways, and all that seems to happen is I'm left angry, resentful and ticked off. I guess I'm just exhausted right now. I don't have the energy to deal with anything more, and dealing with her is a soul sucking waste of time. I think all I *can* do is refuse to engage. If she comes, I'll refuse to see her, and keep baby with me. :grouphug: I think that's all you can do. Set your boundaries, enforce them, and HANG UP and refuse to give her an audience for the fireworks. Don't let the kids talk to her unless Wolf is in the house, and if you do end up talking to her, refuse to get into it: "Wolf already discussed that with you." If she loses it, you are *not* obligated to listen or keep trying to explain or justify! HANG UP. "She'll do whatever she'll do"--this is true, but it doesn't follow that what she does has to change what you do. You've got to be the brick wall. If she pulls stunts as in the past and shows up on your doorstep, restate your boundaries and then let her deal with what to do with herself--even if she's 80, if she managed to get to town to show up on your doorstep, she can manage to get herself to a hotel. If Wolf doesn't want to take such a hard line with her, he can drive her to a hotel or whatever--just as long as he doesn't give in on the boundaries the two of you have set. And don't worry about the "tattling" to other relatives. They know what she's like. If they do give you grief about it, lay those boundaries with them too--"I'm sorry, that's between MIL and us. Pass the beandip, please!"--hanging up mid-rant if necessary. It *is* possible for you guys to do this--you just have to be willing to FIRMLY enforce the boundaries you set and cut her off at the pass. If you give her an audience, she gets what she wants (the drama) and you just get frustrated and angry. Don't engage and you won't get so frustrated. Edited September 10, 2011 by Kirch Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Denisemomof4 Posted September 11, 2011 Share Posted September 11, 2011 don't open the door to her. Just DON'T do it! Let her carry on in hysterics. It's all a part of her manipulation act. And please - if she's hysterical on the phone, tell her, "I cannot speak to you when you're like this. Please call back when you can talk calmly and rationally." CLICK. when she comes back the next day, leave a letter in an envelope with her name on it taped to your door. In the letter let her know that when you said not to come at this time, you meant it. Let her know that you need her to respect your boundaries if there is any chance at keeping a relationship going. Let her gossip. If people don't consider the source, who cares? Let it go. What matters is your family unit. Don't enable her. Stand strong! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted September 11, 2011 Author Share Posted September 11, 2011 Thanks everyone. Part of the issue is that Wolf tends to fold under guilt. "She's in her 80s, she won't be around..." So I'm left feeling resentful of him for not sticking to what we've agreed to. At the same time, I understand she had decades to train him to respond like that. To teach him its easier to give in than to deal with all the fall out. I simply don't want to deal with this. At. All. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Denisemomof4 Posted September 11, 2011 Share Posted September 11, 2011 Thanks everyone. Part of the issue is that Wolf tends to fold under guilt. "She's in her 80s, she won't be around..." So I'm left feeling resentful of him for not sticking to what we've agreed to. At the same time, I understand she had decades to train him to respond like that. To teach him its easier to give in than to deal with all the fall out. I simply don't want to deal with this. At. All. then don't allow her in the house when he's not home. When he IS home, grab Joshua and go to your room. :001_smile: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted September 11, 2011 Author Share Posted September 11, 2011 then don't allow her in the house when he's not home. When he IS home, grab Joshua and go to your room. :001_smile: That's basically the plan I have in mind. Wolf and I talked briefly about it again. I told him that if she shows up after being told no, I will not be available, and nor would the baby. He didn't like it. I explained that if she chooses to show up around my due date, after being told NO, I was not going to tolerate her complete disrespect and give in like there's nothing wrong. She's been asked to wait until the new year, so that I'm recovered. Its not that we've just said don't come, Wolf's told her to wait until I'm recovered, he's explained to her the Drs concerns, etc. I can't control her. I can do my best to control me though, and try and conduct myself in a way that I won't be ashamed of later. Going along with her manipulations will cause me disgust...and blowing up at her will make me ashamed in the long run. So, flat out refusing to engage in any way, shape or form is what's left. I *know* that my refusal to leave my room, to allow her in, to keep baby with me and not allow her access will cause huge drama. I know this. But, unless she, for once, actually puts what someone else needs ahead of what she wants, that's what its going to come down to. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
michelle l Posted September 11, 2011 Share Posted September 11, 2011 I fully believe she will continue to behave this way. You will HAVE to be direct, (likey you yourself, not Wolf) and you will have to be "harsh". That isn't to say you have to be ugly, but you will have to be firm in a way that will feel impolite and unkind to you if you are used to being able to deal with people in a more logical manner, and if you are used to people responding to what you say. Not only will you have to be direct, but it will be continual. It is not as though the problem will be fixed after a few run-ins. Rather, enforcing your boundries will simply be a lifelong part of the relationship.:glare: My experience with my MIL is that our words DO NOT REGISTER. She needs extremely specific boundaries, and needs them repeatedly enforced. It feels HORRIBLE. I am not a mean person. I am kind, sensitive, and am empathetic and compassionate to a degree that is painful at times. All that to say, I do not take easily saying hurtful things to others, and my natural tendancy is to make others comfortable and keep the peace. BUT my MIL will run over me if I do that. And I think yours will too. I've noticed that even if my dh addresses something, my MIL will still "try" things if he is not around. She is manipulative to the core, and I am the only one who can make her stop pushing me around. Just me. We've even given our kids freedom to stand up for themselves in whatever way they feel they need to (well, our 17 year old is the only one who really "sees" it thus far. The others are just beginning to, but too young yet for it all to register) Anyhow, you will have to stand up for yourself, IMO. We've also found an almost Love and Logic approach to be helpful. I also wish my dh were able to stand up to my MIL more, and he has definitely grown in this area, but I'm sure it's just much more difficult for him than I realize. And in the end, she will push me around as much as I personally let her. Best regards. I know these are extremely stressful issues. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted September 11, 2011 Share Posted September 11, 2011 That's basically the plan I have in mind. Wolf and I talked briefly about it again. I told him that if she shows up after being told no, I will not be available, and nor would the baby. He didn't like it. I explained that if she chooses to show up around my due date, after being told NO, I was not going to tolerate her complete disrespect and give in like there's nothing wrong. She's been asked to wait until the new year, so that I'm recovered. Its not that we've just said don't come, Wolf's told her to wait until I'm recovered, he's explained to her the Drs concerns, etc. I can't control her. I can do my best to control me though, and try and conduct myself in a way that I won't be ashamed of later. Going along with her manipulations will cause me disgust...and blowing up at her will make me ashamed in the long run. So, flat out refusing to engage in any way, shape or form is what's left. I *know* that my refusal to leave my room, to allow her in, to keep baby with me and not allow her access will cause huge drama. I know this. But, unless she, for once, actually puts what someone else needs ahead of what she wants, that's what its going to come down to. You realize that this is not only setting a boundary for your MIL, right? It's also setting a boundary for Wolf. He's agreed to the boundary for your MIL and has communicated it to her. But you are now telling him that you have your own boundary - you need him as your husband to keep that boundary firm. If he doesn't, you will still keep it for yourself and for your new baby. There isn't anything wrong with that - it's not like you are manipulating him into setting the boundary to begin with. But the boundary was set for a reason - to protect your health and this is one time he has to put that ahead of his mom's age or the guilt he feels when she throws a fit. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shelly in IL Posted September 11, 2011 Share Posted September 11, 2011 I would really like you in real life. I'm sorry about your MIL. FAmily relationships are hard sometimes at best. Glad you have this forum to release some steam. You are doing the right thing by protecting your family. Best wishes to you and yours and congratulations on your upcoming birth. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
michelle l Posted September 11, 2011 Share Posted September 11, 2011 Oops, just read some of the other replies more completely. Great ideas about not engaging! :)When I said you would have to be "harsh", I was thinking about situations where that wasn't really an option. By all means, if you can avoid a confrontation that's probably best considering all new baby, exhaustion, and additional issues. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted September 11, 2011 Author Share Posted September 11, 2011 I fully believe she will continue to behave this way. You will HAVE to be direct, (likey you yourself, not Wolf) and you will have to be "harsh". That isn't to say you have to be ugly, but you will have to be firm in a way that will feel impolite and unkind to you if you are used to being able to deal with people in a more logical manner, and if you are used to people responding to what you say. Not only will you have to be direct, but it will be continual. It is not as though the problem will be fixed after a few run-ins. Rather, enforcing your boundries will simply be a lifelong part of the relationship.:glare: My experience with my MIL is that our words DO NOT REGISTER. She needs extremely specific boundaries, and needs them repeatedly enforced. It feels HORRIBLE. I am not a mean person. I am kind, sensitive, and am empathetic and compassionate to a degree that is painful at times. All that to say, I do not take easily saying hurtful things to others, and my natural tendancy is to make others comfortable and keep the peace. BUT my MIL will run over me if I do that. And I think yours will too. I've noticed that even if my dh addresses something, my MIL will still "try" things if he is not around. She is manipulative to the core, and I am the only one who can make her stop pushing me around. Just me. We've even given our kids freedom to stand up for themselves in whatever way they feel they need to (well, our 17 year old is the only one who really "sees" it thus far. The others are just beginning to, but too young yet for it all to register) Anyhow, you will have to stand up for yourself, IMO. We've also found an almost Love and Logic approach to be helpful. I also wish my dh were able to stand up to my MIL more, and he has definitely grown in this area, but I'm sure it's just much more difficult for him than I realize. And in the end, she will push me around as much as I personally let her. Best regards. I know these are extremely stressful issues. You've hit the nail on the head. Its exactly as you describe, right down to Wolf improving so much in dealing with her, I can see he has, but... You realize that this is not only setting a boundary for your MIL, right? It's also setting a boundary for Wolf. He's agreed to the boundary for your MIL and has communicated it to her. But you are now telling him that you have your own boundary - you need him as your husband to keep that boundary firm. If he doesn't, you will still keep it for yourself and for your new baby. There isn't anything wrong with that - it's not like you are manipulating him into setting the boundary to begin with. But the boundary was set for a reason - to protect your health and this is one time he has to put that ahead of his mom's age or the guilt he feels when she throws a fit. Honestly, no, I didn't realize that. I'm just to the end of my rope with everything, and trying to figure out what I need for the sake of my health and sanity. I would really like you in real life. I'm sorry about your MIL. FAmily relationships are hard sometimes at best. Glad you have this forum to release some steam. You are doing the right thing by protecting your family. Best wishes to you and yours and congratulations on your upcoming birth. Aww, thanks. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kirch Posted September 11, 2011 Share Posted September 11, 2011 Jean's right. You know, at some point he's going to have to realize that setting boundaries he's not willing to enforce is not only pointless, but it stirs everything up even more. If he's going to end up letting her get away with doing what she wants, why bother with going through all the drama related to setting the boundaries in the first place when he KNOWS she won't respect them? Maybe you can somehow help him see that. It's NOT HIS FAULT if she doesn't get what she wants. That's part of being human. She obviously missed the "you don't always get what you want" and the "the world doesn't revolve around you" lessons in childhood. That's NOT HIS FAULT either! I feel for him (and you too). What a frustrating place to be in. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted September 11, 2011 Author Share Posted September 11, 2011 Jean's right. You know, at some point he's going to have to realize that setting boundaries he's not willing to enforce is not only pointless, but it stirs everything up even more. If he's going to end up letting her get away with doing what she wants, why bother with going through all the drama related to setting the boundaries in the first place when he KNOWS she won't respect them? Maybe you can somehow help him see that. It's NOT HIS FAULT if she doesn't get what she wants. That's part of being human. She obviously missed the "you don't always get what you want" and the "the world doesn't revolve around you" lessons in childhood. That's NOT HIS FAULT either! I feel for him (and you too). What a frustrating place to be in. I know. Reality of it is, she's never, ever respected him. Not as a person, an adult, a husband or father. Its taken a long time for him to even attempt to set boundaries with her, b/c he learned long ago it was a wasted effort...better to simply endure. Since marrying me, though, he's improved dramatically. That being said, she had his entire childhood to 'program' him. So its a battle. I hate that he gets caught btwn her and I, but there is just simply a limit to my abilities to suck it up and deal, and this would be it. I'm really, really praying that she does the right thing for once. It feels pretty futile, though. As much as I know her, her past behaviour, etc, I will admit to still being slack jawed that someone would put what they want ahead of what someone else needs, esp when there are clear medical considerations at hand. This isn't just the typical, 'new baby in the house, post partum healing' situation. And she just. doesn't. care. Trying to deal with someone that's that self absorbed is just mind blowing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jelbe5 Posted September 11, 2011 Share Posted September 11, 2011 I have no new advice; I think you have received good suggestions here. I just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you and say I'm sorry you are dealing with this! :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted September 11, 2011 Author Share Posted September 11, 2011 I have no new advice; I think you have received good suggestions here. I just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you and say I'm sorry you are dealing with this! :grouphug: Thanks. It helps that other ppl aren't thinking I'm being hyper sensitive, overreacting, etc. Sometimes, you seriously start to wonder if you're losing it, b/c the person in question can't seriously be that clueless about boundaries, or selfish or arrogant, can they? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jelbe5 Posted September 11, 2011 Share Posted September 11, 2011 (edited) Sometimes, you seriously start to wonder if you're losing it, b/c the person in question can't seriously be that clueless about boundaries, or selfish or arrogant, can they? :iagree: It sound as though your MIL is mentally ill or has a personality disorder. But part of the whole psyco-drama is you (the rational, normal person) begins to think "Am I being mean, unreasonable, unclear," etc. Don't second guess yourself! Stick to your plan! No is no is no! But people with personality disorders cannot accept that . . . :grouphug: Edited September 11, 2011 by jelbe5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kirch Posted September 11, 2011 Share Posted September 11, 2011 Trying to deal with someone that's that self absorbed is just mind blowing. I can only imagine. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted September 11, 2011 Author Share Posted September 11, 2011 :iagree: It sound as though your MIL is mentally ill or has a personality disorder. But part of the whole psyco-drama is you (the rational, normal person) begins to think "Am I being mean, unreasonable, unclear," etc. Don't second guess yourself! Stick to your plan! No is no is no! But people with personality disorders cannot accept that . . . :grouphug: We honestly believe she's NPD. I had nightmares last night about her showing up at the hospital while I was in labour, and refusing to leave the room :glare: Ack. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted September 11, 2011 Share Posted September 11, 2011 We honestly believe she's NPD. I had nightmares last night about her showing up at the hospital while I was in labour, and refusing to leave the room :glare: Ack. At our hospital here, you can tell the nurses who you want to admit or not to your room and they will enforce it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jennifer3141 Posted September 11, 2011 Share Posted September 11, 2011 At our hospital here, you can tell the nurses who you want to admit or not to your room and they will enforce it. :iagree: If I were you, Imp I think I'd almost WISH for that. At least in the hospital, you'll have people to enforce your desires!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Beauty From Ashes Posted September 11, 2011 Share Posted September 11, 2011 I agree. My mom is a labor and delivery nurse and says she feels she should add "personal body guard" to that as well. The rule is, tell the nurse who's allowed in and they will keep everyone else out. They are very diplomatic about it, they are good at it. They don't say "you aren't wanted". They have a soft line they give those who aren't wanted in the room. It must work as my Mom has only had to call security 3 - 4 times in her 27 years of nursing in labor and delivery. She gladly called and had that person removed, just saying it's very rare. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted September 11, 2011 Author Share Posted September 11, 2011 I know that she won't show up at the hospital, she shouldn't even be in town at that point...amazing what your brain will come up with to torment you while you sleep though :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Terabith Posted September 12, 2011 Share Posted September 12, 2011 Don't let her talk to your kids! Just say no! (Easier said than done, I know.) I'm sorry. You don't need this. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hollyh Posted September 12, 2011 Share Posted September 12, 2011 Is it possible NOT to tell her when the baby is born? :) I know she knows the due date, but is it possible that she won't come until she thinks the baby is born? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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