Gifts you disapprove of for your children...from your mother

[NotSoObvious]

OK, I had a big back story typed out, but then I realized it doesn't matter. Basically, I love my mom and she is SO generous, but she has a history of crossing boundaries.

 

What do you do when Grandma buys your kids clothing you don't approve of, NOT because of morality issues, but just because it's a style you think is inappropriate/over-the-top trendy/too mature? It's for a 9 year old, so if it quietly disappears, dd will say something and Grandma is sure to ask.

 

Do you just toss it in the closet and let it get it's wear (maybe only when Grandma is here)???

 

What do YOU do when your kids get gifts that make you uncomfortable, no matter the reason? (Again, not a morality issue or anything against our religion, etc.)

 

At what point is it bad enough for you to intervene? For instance, I have a friend who doesn't allow Hannah Montana, period. But what do you do with the gifts and how to you make sure your kids are appreciative and the giver isn't offended?

[Stayseeliz]

I've basically just let my mother in law know that I want to see clothes before she gives them to my kids. My parents never buy anything questionable. I'm kind about it but I have final say and I lovingly told her there was no point wasting money on clothes that were never going to get worn. I know she gets annoyed with me sometimes but both my older daughters look older than they are and I have to be careful about things no being age appropriate. Once we crossed the size 10 threshold it seemed like everything got tighter, shorter, etc. Sigh..

 

Case it point she bought a "sundress" for my 7yo who is the size of a 9/10yo. VERY tall for her age. She asked me about it and I asked to see it. Turns out it was a beach cover it with NO back to it and WAAAAAY too short. Not gonna happen. I was glad I saw it first.

[Beatusduo]

If is a toy, we are usually asked in advance. Our answer isn't always liked, but usually followed.

 

My MIL did buy my ds a few clothing items a few months ago. There was one polo that had such an ugly color combination it drove me nuts. I mentioned it to my dh in passing one day and he immediately started in how horrible he thought the shirt was. We both decided that the shirt would soon be having a horrible laundry accident!

However, this is how it played out. I bought a polo at work one afternoon. As soon as I got home I asked my ds to try it on. He took off his shirt ,"the shirt" and put on the new polo. As he took the shirt off my dh grabbed it and through it in the trash. My ds did not notice any of this, he thanked me for the shirt and walked away. He has never asked about the shirt.

 

This is not our usual behavior. In truth I am very frugal. This shirt just struck a nerve with me.

[zaichiki]

As he took the shirt off my dh grabbed it and through it in the trash.

 

:lol:

 

That shirt must have REALLY bugged you.

 

:lol:

[kchara]

Have you told your mother what's appropriate and acceptable? If not, I'd let it slide, and have a talk with her. If you have talked to her and she's ignoring you... well, my mom did that with toys. When she called back and asked how DD liked them, I made no bones and no apologies about exactly why I had sent them to the Salvation Army. I warned her. She finally got the message that sending toys the kids were not allowed to play with simply wasted HER money and made HER look like the bad guy, not me (which is what she was aiming for).

 

'Course, now she only buys them junk from Dollar Tree... That doesn't even make it to SA, it goes in the trash. :glare:

[Mommy22alyns]

It depends on how bad it is. My mom bought the girls some Junie B. Jones books, but luckily never sent them. :D The girls haven't ever had a birthday party, so we've fortunately never had to deal with (the inevitable) Hannah Montana gifts. MIL is always super cautious about what she buys and never gets a Christmas gift that we haven't outright suggested. Awesome.

 

At 9, I'd think that she could be taught to thank Grandma but keep it quiet that the item has hit Goodwill.

[zaichiki]

my mil never gave my kids any presents other than broken, dirty things from people's trash, other than the last one--a cardboard box!

 

You reminded me of my oldest dd's first birthday party.

 

Df-i-l decorated the mantel above my fireplace with her birthday gifts while my back was turned. I had no words when I saw about 10 naked, dirty, old Barbie dolls with their hair standing straight up. I took my husband into the other room and ranted and raved (seriously -- who on EARTH would do that?!). After calming me down and promising to handle the situation, he waited until his father went out for a smoke. Dh took a paper bag, filled it with the dolls, and put it into the garage without mentioning anything. Df-i-l apparently took them with him when he left the next day. He must have found them when he was looking through our garage. (Yes -- he regularly went through our garage looking for stuff to bring home.) Nobody ever actually *said* anything about it, but I think df-i-l got the idea.

[cin]

He has never asked about the shirt.

 

This is not our usual behavior. In truth I am very frugal. This shirt just struck a nerve with me.

 

That must have been one ugly shirt. Can you tell us more or post a pic? :)

[Beatusduo]

It did. I am a very visual person. I don't like clutter, I try to eliminate all distractions and in a "classroom" with two students it would take my focus away from teaching.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I find myself sort of in the middle on this issue. On one hand. a stupid toy is simply that - a stupid toy. The joy that G-ma has in giving it far supersedes the wince it causes me when I see it. I let the kids have them and then get rid of it naturally as it gets broken or outgrown. Same for many clothes - my kids outgrow them within 3 months anyway!

 

But - there are some things that are simply inappropriate. MIL gave dd (3 or 4 at the time) a hooker Halloween costume - complete with fishnet and Playboy bunny decal. Dd took one look at it and said "That's a naughty dress!" I agreed and threw it out as soon as G-ma was out of the driveway. We did thank her for it though.

 

There have been other things that G-ma has asked about and we've just said "Oh that didn't quite fit dd." Technically it fit in size but it didn't fit her style.

[Grover]

We have this issue, but more with plastic rubbish that the kids aren't interested in than with clothes (so far). If it's clothes I usually just put it in the bottom of the drawer and eventually make it vanish (it can take a looooong time for it to get through the laundry process sometimes - so long it's been out grown). Toys, I usually wait for them to lose interest (about half an hour) or for it to break then bin it or donate it. When Grandma asks the kids tell her, "oh, that broke" or "yes, we played with it" and it's never mentioned again.

[Beatusduo]

Sorry, no pictures.

The best description I can give is this:

Horizontal stripes, alternating with the colors teal and orange on a white background. The stripes were different sizes.

The description doesn't sound that bad, but it was my "fingers on the chalkboard"

[Guest momk2000]

Bratz dolls/clothing from mil (even though she already knows we don't buy these). :glare:

[Parker Martin]

I think this becomes more of an issue for girls than for boys. (That's not to say that it isn't an issue with boys because it is.)

 

My strategy has been to slip into conversation how "crazy" and strict my husband and I are about the things to which our kids are exposed. We talk about it often enough that our parents generally ask us before they give anything that isn't obviously appropriate. (Things like art supplies or animal figures are obviously appropriate.) This also makes them less likely to consider buying anything even remotely questionable because they know that we care. In the very few instances when our decisions tick off a family member, we don't argue about it or lawyer on about why their intended thing is so awful, we just say, "I know. We are so weird. Ha ha ha."

 

Someday we figure we'll have a girl, so we've already started laying the groundwork. We talk to our mothers all the time about how we think modern girl culture is toxic and repeatedly list the sorts of things that we would never approve of our future daughters having or doing. Our family is nice and not interested in undermining us, so they really do listen.

 

If I had never addressed the issue before and wanted to start addressing it about an older child, I would probably start a conversation with the relative by saying, "You know, DH and I have been thinking about some things that have become so common in kid culture that might not be that great. [Describe what you are worried about generally.] What do you think?" Then we'd talk about it and walk the conversation to the point of "The more I think about it, the more I think that I don't want DC exposed to these kinds of things for now."

 

Tact, tact, tact. Always tact.

[Momling]

My mom has a tendency to buy large lots of toys off ebay and give them to us. I understand one 30 year old "Mandy Doll" is nostalgic, but do I really need 5 of them? I usually keep one or two and give away the rest to friends or donate to goodwill.

[Lara in Colo]

I have a stepmother in another state that sends the children "wrong" things-- age inappropriate (Dora sleeping bag for a 10yo) or the same things several times in a row (we got the same Barbie doll, two birthdays and 1 Christmas, and clothes that do not or will never fit) She is very thoughtful, and very faithful about sending gifts to my children. I usually pre-open the boxes from her and select what they can have and the rest goes to Goodwill. I do remeber to thank her though.

[Mama Geek]

DD is still very young only a little over a year. We haven't gotten an inappropriate gifts, but both grandma's feel the need to buy her too much stuff every time we see them. They don't buy just 1 outfit or 1 toy it is always just so much.

[Zebra]

My family has no boundaries and I have talked to them until I am blue in the face and it makes no impression. I have asked them to talk to me before they give a gift, they don't want to. I have given them a list of appropriate ideas, they are mad I am telling them how to spend their money. Literally no one else has kids, and it goes from having absolutely no idea what is appropriate, to wanting to get me upset. Dysfunctional with a capital D!

 

So, although I didn't want to, DH and I finally decided that we had to just intervene when something wasn't appropriate. DD is instructed to say "thank you" for whatever gift, and we deal with it later. Unless it is a live animal...:lol:

 

I have actually sat down with DD and explained why something isn't appropriate, and why we need to get rid of it. It hasn't happened too many times, but a few. And if it was something she really really really liked, I have gone out and found a suitable replacement. If she gets Stripper Barbie as a present....I would go out and replace it with Vet Barbie. Or I might just get rid of her stripper outfit and buy Barbie a more appropriate outfit to wear. That has literally happened. Barbie had an extremely inappropriate outfit on, and I went out and got her a Dr outfit. I have no problem with ball gowns, just not cut to the navel....lol! If DD didn't care about the item, then we just give it away to Goodwill.

 

And trust me, I do let DD make her own decisions and am not as controlling as I might sound. My family is THAT insane, and out of touch with reality.

[zaichiki]

I have a stepmother in another state that sends the children "wrong" things-- age inappropriate (Dora sleeping bag for a 10yo) or the same things several times in a row (we got the same Barbie doll, two birthdays and 1 Christmas, and clothes that do not or will never fit) She is very thoughtful, and very faithful about sending gifts to my children. I usually pre-open the boxes from her and select what they can have and the rest goes to Goodwill. I do remeber to thank her though.

 

My mother does the same thing. And I also pre-open, select, and donate.

[zaichiki]

That has literally happened. Barbie had an extremely inappropriate outfit on, and I went out and got her a Dr outfit.

That sounds very sane.

[tiredmommyof8]

Our families aren't big spenders on gifts and they know our kids have an abundance of toys. My sister always buys my kids appropriate bathing suits for those with summer birthdays and coats or jackets or pj's for those with winter birthdays. At Christmas she usually gets them all pj's. My Mom usually just sends the kids a card and $5 for their birthdays. In the past she has purchased $ Store toys and they usually are broken within days. I usually don't want to cause any issues with gift giving and when we receive a gift of any kind we always thanked the gift giver and then if it was something we didn't want or couldn't use we donated it or returned it for something else. One year one of my dd's received a jewelry making kit as a gift from a neighbor and we returned it because there were wayyyyyy too many pieces involved and I knew they would ALL wind up being sucked up by my vacuum cleaner. Our families pretty much know what we like, want, or need so we have never really had a problem with them getting inappropriate items.

[NotSoObvious]

 

But - there are some things that are simply inappropriate. MIL gave dd (3 or 4 at the time) a hooker Halloween costume - complete with fishnet and Playboy bunny decal. Dd took one look at it and said "That's a naughty dress!" I agreed and threw it out as soon as G-ma was out of the driveway. We did thank her for it though.

 

 

 

:lol::lol::lol::lol:

[NotSoObvious]

I think this becomes more of an issue for girls than for boys. (That's not to say that it isn't an issue with boys because it is.)

 

My strategy has been to slip into conversation how "crazy" and strict my husband and I are about the things to which our kids are exposed. We talk about it often enough that our parents generally ask us before they give anything that isn't obviously appropriate. (Things like art supplies or animal figures are obviously appropriate.) This also makes them less likely to consider buying anything even remotely questionable because they know that we care. In the very few instances when our decisions tick off a family member, we don't argue about it or lawyer on about why their intended thing is so awful, we just say, "I know. We are so weird. Ha ha ha."

 

Someday we figure we'll have a girl, so we've already started laying the groundwork. We talk to our mothers all the time about how we think modern girl culture is toxic and repeatedly list the sorts of things that we would never approve of our future daughters having or doing. Our family is nice and not interested in undermining us, so they really do listen.

 

If I had never addressed the issue before and wanted to start addressing it about an older child, I would probably start a conversation with the relative by saying, "You know, DH and I have been thinking about some things that have become so common in kid culture that might not be that great. [Describe what you are worried about generally.] What do you think?" Then we'd talk about it and walk the conversation to the point of "The more I think about it, the more I think that I don't want DC exposed to these kinds of things for now."

 

Tact, tact, tact. Always tact.

 

 

I love this! "Kid culture" That's exactly the word I was looking for!

[JFSinIL]

Most of the clothes my MIL has bought my girls looks great...on the neighbor kids :D. Mine just do not like her taste in clothes. Since she buys the cheapest sale stuff from the discount stores we do not feel bad passing it on to another family that actually NEEDS the stuff.

 

My mom never sent clothes - but age-inappropriate toys. Inappropriate as in too young! My 15-yr-old was sent a golfing game for ages 6 - 10!

Edited August 20, 2011 by JFSinIL

[NotSoObvious]

DD is still very young only a little over a year. We haven't gotten an inappropriate gifts, but both grandma's feel the need to buy her too much stuff every time we see them. They don't buy just 1 outfit or 1 toy it is always just so much.

 

 

Yes! I agree. I have a friend that just picks through her daughters gifts and sends the rest to the Goodwill. Her mother got wind of this and told her she's going to stop buying things for the child and my friend said, "Please do!"

[NotSoObvious]

Thank you everyone! You are making me feel more sane! I was really struggling with feelings of ungratefulness, but we'll just quietly deal with things as they come in and hold to our guns about what we deem appropriate.

[kolamum]

If my child gets a gift I don't approve of I make it dissapear while the child is very busy elsewhere. 9 out of 10 times {even at the age you mentioned} child has never missed it. When child does miss it I say, "Ask Daddy if he's seen it." Unless I feel it's something we should discuss, then I'm 100% up front and honest about it.

 

That would mean a movie a child was given or music or something. I explain that in our home we really don't watch/listen/do BUT we can return it to the shop and get something better suited. ;)

 

My child was 4 when he was given a huge magnitex set. We had a 2 year old in the house who ATE everything. I was very upset about the gift. My brother, a single guy at the time with no children, had purchased it because my parents told him it was a perfect idea. *sigh*

 

I did not get rid of it, but I did put it up and it only came out when bub was sleeping and I could watch the older one with it. That way I knew all pieces had been collected and put back up. I'm still not a fan of those small fiddly bits. :lol:

[RahRah]

My family has no boundaries and I have talked to them until I am blue in the face and it makes no impression. I have asked them to talk to me before they give a gift, they don't want to. I have given them a list of appropriate ideas, they are mad I am telling them how to spend their money. Literally no one else has kids, and it goes from having absolutely no idea what is appropriate, to wanting to get me upset. Dysfunctional with a capital D!

 

So, although I didn't want to, DH and I finally decided that we had to just intervene when something wasn't appropriate. DD is instructed to say "thank you" for whatever gift, and we deal with it later. Unless it is a live animal...:lol:

 

I have actually sat down with DD and explained why something isn't appropriate, and why we need to get rid of it. It hasn't happened too many times, but a few. And if it was something she really really really liked, I have gone out and found a suitable replacement. If she gets Stripper Barbie as a present....I would go out and replace it with Vet Barbie. Or I might just get rid of her stripper outfit and buy Barbie a more appropriate outfit to wear. That has literally happened. Barbie had an extremely inappropriate outfit on, and I went out and got her a Dr outfit. I have no problem with ball gowns, just not cut to the navel....lol! If DD didn't care about the item, then we just give it away to Goodwill.

 

And trust me, I do let DD make her own decisions and am not as controlling as I might sound. My family is THAT insane, and out of touch with reality.

 

Oh, I understand!

 

MIL usually actually asks what DS would like - but finds every reason under the sun why what he'd like isn't really what he wants, so she then gets what she thinks he should want - often disastrous. Not so much because they're inappropriate or out of bounds type things, but often because they're well beyond what he's able to do or is something he is so not interested in. Now that he's a bit older, I tell her to ask him what he'd like because that way, if she goes off on a tangent and gets something else, he's the one who gave her ideas, not me! Lo' and behold, his birthday this year - she got him exactly what he asked for....amazing isn't it?

 

We have asked everyone to please ask before buying books due to our pretty extensive children's library at home and trying to avoid duplicates if possible - MIL is the only one who absolutely refuses. For DS's birthday she went and bought two books and then told me about them - sure enough, we had both titles already.....so she was MAD at me? So, rather than exchange them, she is huffy about how she'll just have to keep them at her house so DS can enjoy them there! ....ummmm....okay?

 

ETA: We do accept the gifts graciously though and do thank gramma....then, if DS doesn't like/want/need whatever, we exchange it for something he would like instead. I look at it this way - once a gift is given, it is yours to decide its fate - and if that fate is an exchange, so be it - the purpose was to give something the person wants/likes and if that doesn't happen, then exchange it for something you do want - just don't make a big deal out of it to the person who gave the gift. If they ask, then explain it nicely that you exchanged it (if you need to explain).

Edited August 20, 2011 by RahRah

[Aubrey]

We've gotten enough of this kind of thing over the years, that the kid know the routine: thank the person. The thought WAS kind. Once they're gone, the item quietly disappears OR I do an exchange (from the store or my closet), so they still get something. Depends on the gift/child.

 

Our biggest problem is w/my grandmother, & we don't see her often, so I think that probably makes it easier.

[Maus]

Leggings. I can't convince MIL and SIL to stop buying leggings for DD6. Sure, they look cute with the long, matching tunic tops they bought to match, but when she gets dressed in them, she pairs them with a comfy, short T-shirt. This leaves them stretched across her curvy little backside to the point that everyone can see the design on her undies.

 

I also can't convince them that DD6 does not wear size 6 (she needs 8) and that DD8 does not wear size 8 (he needs 10H or 12). (They are not fat, but they are not skinny either, and they are both tall for their age. DS8 is the tallest in his cub scout den by a full head. He and I wear the same size shoes and hats.) The funny thing is, we are only 35 miles away from the ILs. We see them all. the. time, so you'd think they'd notice that DS8 is as tall as SIL's 12 year old.

 

GMIL is very fond of polyester. Need I say more?

[howie4]

Have you told your mother what's appropriate and acceptable? If not, I'd let it slide, and have a talk with her. If you have talked to her and she's ignoring you... well, my mom did that with toys. When she called back and asked how DD liked them, I made no bones and no apologies about exactly why I had sent them to the Salvation Army. I warned her. She finally got the message that sending toys the kids were not allowed to play with simply wasted HER money and made HER look like the bad guy, not me (which is what she was aiming for).

 

'Course, now she only buys them junk from Dollar Tree... That doesn't even make it to SA, it goes in the trash. :glare:

 

I agree that if a conversation about acceptable gifts has not occurred, that should be top on your list before any other gift-giving opportunities arise. I think {for the most part} our parents and in-laws truly want to love our children and give good gifts, but culture has changed so drastically that buying age-appropriate gifts that we approve of can be a challenge if they're not around us enough to see our taste and what we already own.

[MeaganS]

Luckily both my MIL and mom are very good about asking us first, or they are very thoughtful in their own gifts. One thing that I have found helpful is to keep an Amazon wishlist for each member of our family and give our extended family access to them so they can get an idea of what we want, or appropriate toys. I love the Amazon wishlist because you can add items from other places online to them. I have a ton of stuff from Etsy and educational websites on our girls' lists, and so far both of our parents have done pretty well with that. I guess I'm blessed. :)

[bettyandbob]

I would just throw the stuff in the back of the closet. And in a year it would end up in the too small pile to go to goodwill.

[K&Rs Mom]

I've taught mine to say something nice that's true (at the least, it's "it was so nice of you to think of me" - because it was), then we talk about it in private later and I explain why that gift won't be staying with us. Most of the time, dd's agree with me that it needs to go, but occasionally I've had to insist. The rare times there's a gift receipt, they love to go pick out something better; mostly stuff goes right into the Goodwill box.

[lorrainejmc]

I've been thinking about this the last few days myself. Ds was 8 last weekend. He have no trouble with my parents; they ask what he wants and ask my approval. In laws either do the same or give money, as do all of our other relatives. We had one friend ask what he needed and I said plainish long sleeved t-shirts. I even told her where I had seen lovely ones at a very good price. She arrived with a 3 pack of awful ones. Black, grey and neon yellow. On a boy with white, white Irish skin and dark hair? So wrong. Thankfully, there was a gift receipt included and I am heading to town today.

 

ETA: I just got a Lands End catalogue in the post. Why can't everyone get one?:lol:

Edited September 13, 2011 by lorrainejmc

[arghmatey]

They know what is acceptable based on conversations we have. For example, they know most plastic toys, toys that are cloth AND battery-operated, and other certain items will take an immediate trip to the charity store. I have expressed this enough so that they do not have to ask what is acceptable.

 

We also have an Amazon list for each child. It is not a wish list compiled for the gift-givers. It is for me to remember everything I plan to get for my children. The grandparents KNOW I am going to buy everything on the list, and they ask permission to buy something from the list every once in a while.

 

Nobody other than grandparents has access to the list. Anyone else who asks for recommendations gets some variation of, "You are so kind to think of us. The girls have everything they could possibly need. I bet they'd love your company more than anything." Then we either schedule a date or not.