Divorce question

[WeeBeaks]

For those of you who have undergone a divorce, did someone just move out while you were undergoing it? Did you share a residence until you freed up cash or what?

 

Counseling is ongoing but things are going downhill despite it. Separation I guess is next?

 

I never thought I would be in this place and am clueless on this part of it.

[Raising Little Shoots]

:grouphug:

[kalanamak]

For those of you who have undergone a divorce, did someone just move out while you were undergoing it? Did you share a residence until you freed up cash or what?

 

Counseling is ongoing but things are going downhill despite it. Separation I guess is next?

 

I never thought I would be in this place and am clueless on this part of it.

My ex lived in the basement for a few weeks looking for a decent place to rent. I spent my evenings out and weekends away. We were polite.

 

We split the cost of replacing a microwave, e.g. or he took something with him and gave me half of a new one (and I would go buy used).

 

I take it this is uncommon, but not rare, but neither of us was angry or wanting revenge, and we did it all without an attorney. We were also not squabbling over subsistance, and chose a time to part when we were both healthy, no family crisis, had jobs, etc. And I trusted him entirely with money etc. If I hadn't, I would have put barriers up very quickly, removed my share from the joint account, gotten legal separation, etc.

 

:grouphug: I wish you widsom, support, and luck in this process, whichever way it goes.

[Dmmetler]

I agree-don't move out.

 

One of my friends took her (now ex) husband's suggestion that she go stay with her sister and "think things over", and that his parents were just DYING to take their daughter on a camping trip (which they did every summer anyway).

 

When she came back, he'd changed the locks, filed for divorce, and requested sole custody because she'd "abandoned" her child. It's almost 2 years later, and he still has primary physical custody of their daughter.

[Tap]

My neighbors let the kids stay in the home and the parents moved around accordingly. The father would be home on the weekends (he worked during the week) and stayed at his parents during the week. The mother would be at the house during the week and staying somewhere else on the weekends. It worked for quite a while and didn't lead to either being accused of abandonment. (The mom started dating someone, so the dad moved back in full time. He felt that if she had moved on that fast, he didn't need to shuffle houses any longer. The mom moved out. )

 

Another couple I know, are living together, going to counseling. She says it is helping to force them to work on issues that they are dealing with in counseling. She thinks they may be able to reconcile but there is an alcohol problem that needs to change first.

Edited August 1, 2011 by Tap, tap, tap

[swellmomma]

Where I live you can not file for a divorce (unless there is abuse etc) without first being living separate and apart for at least 1 year. If there was abuse, the rules are different. I would check what the laws are in your area to know if one of you have to move out or not. In my case my husband moved out first (I gave him 2 weeks to find a place and get out) and then 4 weeks later we moved back to my hometown. That was over 10 years ago. I did file for divorce a couple years in, but here I am 10 years later still married to him,(it got crazy with the way he was dragging it out, I just couldn't keep my lawyer anymore). I couldn't imagine if we had stayed in the same house for all that time. We get along fine now but it took almost 7 years post separation to even be talking again and now 10 years later we can hang out etc. There was far too much hurt to have made it work staying in the same house until we divorced.

[HistoryMom]

My split was fairly amicable, so I moved out while he was on a business trip because I couldn't afford the whole mortgage but I could afford an apartment, then I came over for a few hours on weekends to work together on sorting out the stuff. I was also making my own money and we had no children, so I suggested that a) we take out of the marriage what we brought in (I left with what possessions and cash I brought in, and he kept his trust fund), and b) assets gained during the marriage were split according to percentage of income (I made 40% of the shared income, so I left with 40% of assets). He kept the engagement ring. I kept the dog. :)

 

My current DH and his ex-W had a much harder time of it. They tried to live under the same roof for a while for the sake of their son, but it was terrible. The fighting was awful, and she was dating (and had been cheating beforehand), so he ended up asking her to leave within a couple of weeks. I think they had a separation agreement worked out before she left, though, so that may have avoided any abandonment charges.

 

I wish you the best. I know it's a hard time for everyone.

[Impish]

I agree-don't move out.

 

One of my friends took her (now ex) husband's suggestion that she go stay with her sister and "think things over", and that his parents were just DYING to take their daughter on a camping trip (which they did every summer anyway).

 

When she came back, he'd changed the locks, filed for divorce, and requested sole custody because she'd "abandoned" her child. It's almost 2 years later, and he still has primary physical custody of their daughter.

:svengo:

[PentecostalMom]

My sister & her three dc moved in with us. He would get them on the weekends. I agree with the pp that said to check the laws, and possibly even see if there is an attorney in your area that is income based or will give a free consult. KEEP NOTES ON EVERYTHING!! My sis did not do that (her xh would call @ crazy times, not get or bring back kids when agreed, etc.) and regrets it to this day!

[5KidzRUs]

I think it prudent to file for legal separation while divorce is pending. Otherwise, I believe you could be legally responsible for debts he incurs in the interim.

Best advise I have heard is "There is always time to be nice later" - I hope all works out for the best for your family. :grouphug:

[WeeBeaks]

Thanks guys. I'm so clueless on this.

 

We are not quite there, but separation may be prudent while we deal with issues. We have been in counseling for 7 months now without noticeable improvement at all. We both want it to work, but it isn't right now and hasn't for a long time.

[Cera]

I am in the middle of this right now. My soon to be ex moved in with a friend. In our state this could constitute abandonment and lead to a better settlement for me when it come to the kids and our assets (though I asked him to leave and we are trying to be amicable about the settlement).

 

Definitely look into what the laws are before you make any decisions about what to do.

[BlessedMom]

:grouphug: :grouphug:

[akmommy]

Do not move out and leave kids behind! Every case I've heard of the parent that left lost primary custody. Many times here that is all a judge hears before making custody decision. I have a friend who's ex left her daughter behind. When she came back and tried to get custody he had all kinds of witnesses to support his continued custody, but in the end the judge never even heard them, all he knew was that she left without her child. Dad got custody (he was definitely the better choice anyway, but he was surprised how easy it was).

[Sputterduck]

For me, I told my ex we were getting a divorce while on a camping trip with some heavily armed military friends. It was ideal for the possible fall out.

 

3 days later, once he had processed things a bit, the camping trip was over and he got some of his stuff and left immediately.

 

So for us we did not share a residence. I can imagine that would make things far more complicated.

[Sputterduck]

My neighbors let the kids stay in the home and the parents moved around accordingly. The father would be home on the weekends (he worked during the week) and stayed at his parents during the week. The mother would be at the house during the week and staying somewhere else on the weekends. It worked for quite a while and didn't lead to either being accused of abandonment. (The mom started dating someone, so the dad moved back in full time. He felt that if she had moved on that fast, he didn't need to shuffle houses any longer. The mom moved out. )

 

Another couple I know, are living together, going to counseling. She says it is helping to force them to work on issues that they are dealing with in counseling. She thinks they may be able to reconcile but there is an alcohol problem that needs to change first.

 

My parents always said that I would get the house if they divorced and they'd take turns living there with me and have apartments on the side. Sounds like a good plan to me when kids are involved. I have no idea why that was ever talked about in my house growing up. Maybe I asked them what would happen.

[gingersmom]

I would never move out without my children. When I separated from my X he moved out. I kept the kids and the pets.

 

His moving out never came out during the divorce proceedings so I am not sure it would have ever been an issue.

 

I would start saving for a separation and make sure that you have several months of living expenses. My X would not pay unless it was court ordered and even then he did not pay. So your husband may move out and chose not to pay any kind of support until he is ordered to do so.

[JoyfulMama]

:grouphug:

He moved out. He tried living here for a couple days, but it was horribly tense. I didn't have a job, so first thing, I called and made an appointment at our local food bank and completed an online application for SNAP (Food Stamps). Then I started applying for jobs.

 

I do hope you are able to keep communication lines open.

:grouphug:

[Joanne]

This is a highly situational decision, which should be decided by the marital dynamic and legal realities of your state.

 

In my case, I told xh we were done and told him to move out. He asked to wait until after Father's Day (it was May). I agreed, but not because it was prudent, because I didn't understand the nature of abuse, power, and control.

 

It sounds like you are in a different situation, fortunately.

 

BTW, in my experience, the "losing custody" situations in this thread depict a skewed percentage. It doesn't happen like that in most cases.

Most couples end up with shared custody, and most courts don't give a whit about affairs, non-physical abuse, etc.

[Scarlett]

This is a highly situational decision, which should be decided by the marital dynamic and legal realities of your state.

 

In my case, I told xh we were done and told him to move out. He asked to wait until after Father's Day (it was May). I agreed, but not because it was prudent, because I didn't understand the nature of abuse, power, and control.

 

It sounds like you are in a different situation, fortunately.

 

BTW, in my experience, the "losing custody" situations in this thread depict a skewed percentage. It doesn't happen like that in most cases.

Most couples end up with shared custody, and most courts don't give a whit about affairs, non-physical abuse, etc.

 

My X agreed to give me full custody so that I didn't drag him and his adultery partners through the courts....because it was bad enough that it was relevant to his ability to be a good parent.

 

I wouldn't move out. I would seek legal counsel because as Joanne says each state has different laws and those laws are applied differently even within different counties in the same state.

 

I was able to get my X to sign off on a temporary agreement that gave me residency....he did so one hour before the emergency hearing was scheduled...where I probably would have been granted residency but maybe not as much in temp support.

 

There is NO way I could have lived with him while waiting for divorce. And certainly no way I could go back and forth to the house like someone suggested so that our son could stay in his home. That is another one of those situations that makes me go hmmmmm.

[Wheres Toto]

I moved out when x and I separated. There is no legal separation filing in NJ, it is based on maintaining a separate residence, so moving out was necessary for being able to split expenses and begin divorce proceedings. My dd came with me but split time between me (living with my parents) and ex. Ex tried to hold me liable for expenses after I moved out but the courts didn't allow it. It didn't effect the custody arrangements at all - we have joint physical and legal custody.

[Amy in NH]

I was planning to move out of state with the kids and leave the house to ex. Even so, I wanted to stay in the house until we were ready to move, so that I could pack our things and have a little bit of stability for the kids. It ended up being a terrible situation, though, and he refused to move out for a few weeks, so I took the kids and moved in with my parents while we went through mediation. After the papers were filed with the court, I went back with a moving truck in the middle of the day to quickly get our stuff.