Dh is talking vasectomy and I'm sad! CC

[mama2cntrykids]

Our baby is 7 weeks yesterday and dh will be 45 next month. At first he was talking about the possibility of another baby in another 2-3 yrs, which I had/have mixed feelings about.

 

Now, he's talking vasectomy...it's so...permanant! Unless of course you send thousands for a reversal and then it's iffy.

 

Why am i sad?? B/c I love babies, especially MINE:D. He's thinking of his age (I'm 33, so I have some baby makin' yrs left) and about money. I'm thinking God will provide if He wants us to have more.

 

OTOH-Having babies has to stop sometime. Plus, it's easier as they get older. AND there's IS his age and money...BUT God would provide, right??

 

See my mixed feelings here:001_huh:?

 

I know if I felt strongly about having another, he would hold off on the big V. But, who's to say I won't want another after that:tongue_smilie:?

 

Oh and then there's my medical issue. While I was preggo with this babe I had to wear a cath for 5 weeks b/c my uterus tipped, got trapped under my pelvic (or was it pubic?) bone and I couldn't release my bladder. So if I got pregnant again, I would have to wear a cath again.

 

Maybe I'm being selfish, but I think these are perfectly normal feelings. I was just in tears last night and everytime the baby woke to nurse, I was incredibly sad. I still am...

 

Could someone help me sort out my thoughts/feelings?

:bigear:

[Starr]

I remember a doctor or midwife talking about waiting until a child was 6 -12 months old before making permanent decisions. Maybe you should just wait a while until your emotions and hormones are more under control. It will be hard whenever you decide but it doesn't sound like now is a great time. :grouphug:

[EarleneW]

It is hard- I would love 1 more, but honestly have more then I can handle :)- I figure if its meant to be it will. I'm sorry your feeling this way!

[justamouse]

I would really wait. I had my tubes tied a year ago after thinking about it for *years* and now, only one year after, I regret my decision. Wholeheartedly. I would go back and get them undone in an instant.

[annandatje]

Having adequate financial, emotional, and mental resources to see another infant through to adulthood is ultimately the responsibility of those who bring child into world, not the responsibility of a deity. I hope you and your husband reach a consensus on the decision that is right for both of you and any future (and present) children.

[canadianmomtofour]

I second the recommendation to wait a year. I wish I had. My dh had his vasectomy when dd was 3 months old. I was so certain we were done at the time and now...........I'm not so certain. I wish we hadn't done something so permanent.

[justamouse]

Having adequate financial, emotional, and mental resources to see another infant through to adulthood is ultimately the responsibility of those who bring child into world, not the responsibility of a deity. I hope you and your husband reach a consensus on the decision that is right for both of you and any future (and present) children.

 

She's not saying that she's going to pop them out like puppies, she just doesn't want the option closed forever. Which sterilization is (for the most part). There's other, less permanent options, no?

[Night Elf]

If he agrees, I would highly recommend waiting. My DH had it done when our youngest was only 3 months old, but it was because he was done. Done, Done, Done. He appreciated my feelings that I might want more but he felt that his feelings about his body and his future was his to make in the end. I think it's much, much better if the 2 agree, or at least spend time in serious discussion.

[Ginevra]

I can relate quite totally. Dh has been done with babies for years, but I'm not. He has pretty much stopped petitioning for a vas. Because he knows it tears me up, but he doesn't want another. It's getting critical around here because the door is closing on my age now. Every cycle that ends sends me into turmoil again, because I can rationally see that there are a lot of things in the CON column, most importantly that dh does not want another. But I'm somewhat afraid that in a couple more years, I could go through a total crisis because I have not reconciled to not having more kids and then it truly will be too late! :(:(

[SnowWhite]

I think it would be fair for you to ask him to wait until you are past the postpartum phase. Our hormones are so volatile at that time! Later you may feel just fine with the idea of him doing something permanent, though we have decided to stick with temporary measures.

[mama2cntrykids]

I appreciate all the quick replies. I have another thought to throw out there: When does age (primarily the father's) play a part in the decision to be done? Maybe I should s/o my own thread (weirdo lol).

[justamouse]

I appreciate all the quick replies. I have another thought to throw out there: When does age (primarily the father's) play a part in the decision to be done? Maybe I should s/o my own thread (weirdo lol).

 

Sperm Quality and Age

 

 

Although there is no strong evidence that sperm suffer the same age related degradation as women's eggs undergo, older sperm do cause their fair share of genetic problems, albeit in a much different way.

 

In contrast to females, who are born with all their eggs, men have no sperm when they are born. They don’t make any sperm until they reach puberty, when a prolific and persistent production begins. The average man makes about 250 million sperm a day: that’s about 6,000 sperm every time his heart beats. As a man ages, sperm production continues unabated, and there is no strong clinical or scientific evidence that production decreases significantly even in 70 and 80 year old men.

 

Since sperm production is so high, a man has to keep copying his DNA over and over again to make sperm. All this DNA copying leads to small mistakes, called mutations. If you remember that at its most basic level, DNA is a series of letters that make up recipes called genes. If the recipe is copied millions of times a day, mistakes inevitably happen.

 

Imagine having a cake recipe that has 3 cups of flour as part of the text. You photocopy the recipe for a friend. She photocopies your photocopy for a friend and so on. After multiple copies, your 3 cups of flour might start to look like 2 cups of flour, and suddenly your cake recipe doesn’t work any more.

 

These subtle copying defects cause a long list of diseases in the children of older fathers. Lesch Nyhan Syndrome, Polycystic kidney disease and Hemophilia A are among the most well known. For fathers over age 40, the risk of having a child with a disease-causing mutation is similar to the risk the mother has for a child with Down syndrome.

 

Man, I never knew the boys were that busy. :p

[Ginevra]

I appreciate all the quick replies. I have another thought to throw out there: When does age (primarily the father's) play a part in the decision to be done? Maybe I should s/o my own thread (weirdo lol).

 

For my dh it was 40,but not for sperm-quality reasons. It's that, by doing the math, he doesn't want to have dependent children into his 60's. His father died at 69, so (rational or not), he views that as his life span. If he had another child now, he would be 68 when the child is 20. He can't really get past making those kind of predictions, rational or not.

 

I think this is a factor more particularly men who are the sole financial support of the family.

 

Sometimes I regret that I left it in God's hands. :tongue_smilie: I feel like I wasted the years when I might have convinced him to go for one more and now it's too late.

[Abigail4476]

My husband had one scheduled about 6 years ago, and a couple of weeks before I went into panic mode complete with tears and irrational hysterics so he cancelled it. :glare: It wasn't meant to be, though, because there still hasn't been a baby #4. :( (And both of us are getting past the age when it's still *safe.*)

 

We probably should have had it done while we had insurance to cover it. If he had a vasectomy now, we'd have to pay out of pocket.

 

It is a hard decision to make, though. It's so...permanent. :001_huh:

[happypamama]

I would wait a few more months, at least -- if nothing else, your hormones will settle down a bit, and maybe you'll be able to think about it more clearly.

 

We just had our fourth baby, and I am 34, DH 36 -- so older than when we had our first baby, but not really that old at all. Technically, I'd be of "advanced maternal age" with a fifth, but I don't think I'm old enough for it to be a huge concern. And while breastfeeding affects my cycles pretty heavily for a couple of years, when I do ovulate, DH and I are actually quite fertile together (and there's not really a form of birth control that is really acceptable to us, for various reasons). I've always seen us with five, so a fifth is very likely in the next few years. I think DH would be perfectly content with the four we have if I was adamant that we were done, but I'm not, and I don't think he feels strongly either way, or at least not strongly enough to want to do anything permanent about it. I still feel like someone is missing from our family. (And at the same time, I don't know that we will actually *try* for a fifth. . . we get more laid-back about it each time, figuring if it's meant to be, it'll happen, and if another baby isn't in God's plans for us, that's okay too, and we'll be content with what we've been given.)

 

I would really try to get your DH to wait a while longer until you are more settled about it. And if you never become more settled, then maybe it's not the right thing for your family.

 

And ETA: We would not have said we were in a good financial position for a fourth baby, but as the Big Tent Revival song "Two Sets of Joneses" says, "again God provided for bills He'd incurred." Many times during that pregnancy, He made things possible that we could not, and I firmly believe that He meant for us to have our DS3 and that if He chooses to bless us with another baby, He will provide for us.

Edited July 23, 2011 by happypamama

[linders]

I guess I count on God to give me the wisdom to make smart choices, not provide for choices made based on what "I want." I love babies, too, but I think anyone who wants them should feel reasonably confident that they can provide both the emotional and financial support necessary. I would seriously consider your DH's feelings in this.

[mommaduck]

Both of you have valid concerns for not having more children. Yes, your feelings for not wanting to permanently end fertility is normal. It's normal to mourn that stage (I know menopausal women that also go through this).

 

I second taking a breath and discussing this for a bit before making a decision. We had actually made the decision around New Year's 2010, after a miscarriage. I had another miscarriage and pregnancy before we actually went through with the decision. By then, we KNEW that that was the right decision. I had surgery about six weeks after Meg was born. The time also gave me time to both mourn the end of my fertility and to reconcile it both mentally and emotionally within myself.

[Dirtroad]

He really needs to wait a few months... maybe 1 year. It is too soon for you to make decisions like this and you really should agree. You are so young.... encourage him to wait until your baby is sleeping through the night, laughing, crawling, etc.

[duckens]

You have received really good advice to encourage your husband to wait until your newest baby is past the one year mark. This gives you time to heal and get past post-partum, and if he still feels the same way at the end of the year, you will know how strongly he feels about it.

 

I am writing to encourage you to consider foster care or adoption if you feel that you have enough love in your home to share with another child. There are SOOOOOOO many kids that need the love you have to offer.

 

If your husband is concerned about money for additional children, the state would subsidize the medical care and other needs of a foster child (not that you would be expanding your family for the money, but that the state would help you with care for an additional child....who really needs you!)

 

Again, you most certainly should not be making any big decisions anytime in the near future, but I'm just putting this out there to think about.....

[Orthodox6]

As the thread title says "CC", then I can advise you only to follow the teaching of the Christian faith group to which you have given your allegiance. If sterilization is permitted, then you will not be doing wrong within the teachings of your faith group. If it is not permitted, then you have a heavy-duty decision to discuss with your dh and priest/pastor/minister.

 

You really are quite young. Our youngest was born when I was 43, and the last child sent by God (and who died before birth) was sent by Him when I was 45.

[SonshineLearner]

You might explain that sometimes it's such that when a person REALLY wants a baby, and their husband has a "V" that the desire for tea time is lessened. Now, when the woman is "whew" relieved, it may very well increase. Also, there are some medical concerns with doing them.

[mommaduck]

As the thread title says "CC", then I can advise you only to follow the teaching of the Christian faith group to which you have given your allegiance. If sterilization is permitted, then you will not be doing wrong within the teachings of your faith group. If it is not permitted, then you have a heavy-duty decision to discuss with your dh and priest/pastor/minister.

 

You really are quite young. Our youngest was born when I was 43, and the last child sent by God (and who died before birth) was sent by Him when I was 45.

 

A lot of branches of faith have absolutely no one way or the other about it. Even Orthodoxy permits economia on the issue (in that case you would discuss it with your priest).

[Berta]

Due to medical issues on my part, my DH had a vasectomy. Two months later we put in our paperwork to adopt a child from China. Along with our three older children we now have a beautiful little girl who just turned six. We adopted her from China when she was 20 months old. My DH says we are done now... I just can't convince him that five really isn't too many. But, we have applied to become foster parents, so I will still get my little kiddo fix!

[QueenCat]

I appreciate all the quick replies. I have another thought to throw out there: When does age (primarily the father's) play a part in the decision to be done? Maybe I should s/o my own thread (weirdo lol).

 

I don't know about biologically but I would think it would be stressful to face the start of retirement with a child still in high school or college.

[PentecostalMom]

I know how you feel...sort of. I am 40 and expecting. We had secondary infertility after our first ds, so we have quite an age gap. We have discussed a vasectomy, even on the way to the midwife for my 6-week checkup after my last birth. Dh and I have agreed to let God plan our family. Yes, it is a difficult decision, but one you both have to be comfortable with. Yes, it is somewhat scary to place our childbearing choices in the hands of God, mostly because of the uncertainty. We have been dead broke with our ds living in a pop-up camper (not so long ago - 2003) and now we are doing quite well financially and have a home over 3K square feet and two SUV's. God certainly has provided when we follow His lead. I will pray that God will help you come to an agreement that both you and your dh can live with. A friend who is Catholic recommended ccli.org to me. I am Pentecostal, so we do not have the same religious beliefs, but this site has information on natural family planning, and apparently they have periodic meetings to teach about this. You do not have to be Catholic to attend.

[mommymilkies]

If he agrees, I would highly recommend waiting. My DH had it done when our youngest was only 3 months old, but it was because he was done. Done, Done, Done. He appreciated my feelings that I might want more but he felt that his feelings about his body and his future was his to make in the end. I think it's much, much better if the 2 agree, or at least spend time in serious discussion.

 

I agree. I want more, dh does not-he got snipped. :(

[ma23peas]

Both of you stay in constant prayer over the issue, let God make this decision..He does not want anyone to be anxious over anything, He has his ways of making it clear....give it time...and congratulations on your baby! :)

[raceNzanesmom]

I haven't read the other responses, so my apologies if this is a repeat.

 

I don't think any major life changes should be made in the first year after a baby, this would include permanent sterilization for either parent. Emotions run too high and/or low, most are sleep deprived, money is often tight, etc. It's just not a good time for life changing decisions. After things settle down at a year'ish, then major decisions should be made together with each spouse hearing out the other. For Christians, I think there should also be a good deal of prayer, even spiritual counseling, before making such a decision.

[Aelwydd]

Dh has talked about getting a vasectomy as well. He, like your dh, is in his early 40s.

 

I've always cautioned him about making any permanent decision; not because we want another, but because I'm leery of making such an irrevocable change to the body.

 

That said, I've also made it clear that it's his body, and his decision. If I wanted another, and he didn't, I wouldn't pressure him or attempt to change his mind. If he wanted a V, I would support that choice.

 

We're Christian, but we come from the perspective that our bodies, and our fertility, are something entrusted to us by God, and we will answer for how we use it, the same as any other resource he's given us. Because we could not afford it, and because we are not equipped to handle the stresses of another child right now, we feel it would be irresponsible to throw caution to the wind and produce a child anyway.

 

Your dh may be feeling something similar. Or, he just may not feel up to another baby. In any case, I would advise open and honest communication, and to be accepting of his feelings, whatever they may be.

[Nestof3]

Perhaps he just feels like he has enough to handle. I love my boys, but my husband is 51 while I am 39, and we both feel like we have all we can handle. He hasn't had a V yet because he doesn't feel comfortable with it, but we are both certain we don't want any more babies. I honestly wish he would go ahead with the procedure because I am tired of limiting our intimacy.

 

I would suggest he wait a while to make sure he is just not responding to the new baby, but honestly, I don't think it's healthy for anyone to bring more children in to a family when one of the parents is overwhelmed or feels he/she should stop.

 

My husband is much more tired than I am. He has a laborious job and he IS 13 years older than I. I have to take that into consideration.

[mama2cntrykids]

Update:

My dh and I had a talk last night. He's willing to wait awhile before getting the procedure done, but he IS getting it done. He doesn't want more kids. Not that he isn't over the moon about the ones we have, but age/money play a big factor in it for him.

 

So, I guess I need to be content with that, however difficult it maybe right now. I respect his concerns and see his point. My mama-heart is just sad:001_unsure:.

 

Thank you everyone. I may not have thought of asking him to wait to get the procedure done if some of you hadn't mentioned it.:grouphug:

[Ria]

Oh, sweetie, I feel for you.

 

13 years ago my dh had the V...in our case we already had 6 children, both of us wanted more, but I was diagnosed with a medical condition that almost killed me during my last pregnancy. I was willing to take the risk to have another child, but dh said he was not. It took me a year to get over the fact that I would never have another babe. Like you, my mama-heart hurt.

 

But....fast forward to today...I see now that it was ok. For us, for our family, not having more children worked. We were able to do stuff that we otherwise wouldn't have done because we no longer had babies/toddlers. We were/are still close and love our kids. And these days? I look forward to grandchildren...shoot....my oldest two are 22 now, so maybe within the next 10 years I'll have a grandbaby to love. :)

 

Keep talking to your dh. You can support his decision while still letting him know that this change of life (because, let's face it, this does signal a new phase in your life) is not without a few emotional moments. He'll understand, and you'll feel better for having kept communication open.

 

Ria

 

Ria

[mama2cntrykids]

Oh, sweetie, I feel for you.

 

13 years ago my dh had the V...in our case we already had 6 children, both of us wanted more, but I was diagnosed with a medical condition that almost killed me during my last pregnancy. I was willing to take the risk to have another child, but dh said he was not. It took me a year to get over the fact that I would never have another babe. Like you, my mama-heart hurt.

 

But....fast forward to today...I see now that it was ok. For us, for our family, not having more children worked. We were able to do stuff that we otherwise wouldn't have done because we no longer had babies/toddlers. We were/are still close and love our kids. And these days? I look forward to grandchildren...shoot....my oldest two are 22 now, so maybe within the next 10 years I'll have a grandbaby to love. :)

 

Keep talking to your dh. You can support his decision while still letting him know that this change of life (because, let's face it, this does signal a new phase in your life) is not without a few emotional moments. He'll understand, and you'll feel better for having kept communication open.

 

Ria

 

Ria

 

Ria-Thank you for your kind words. You brought tears to my eyes:grouphug:.