jenL Posted May 12, 2011 Share Posted May 12, 2011 My sister learned yesterday that she lost her baby (at 7 weeks). :sad: She is understandably sad and feeling overwhelmed. I don't have any experience in this area, and I don't really know anyone who does. How can I help her? I want to be there for her, but I'm feeling so inadequate. She is about 15 mins. away so I can go to her. I'm taking her son with me for the day while my other sister cooks and cleans for her. What else would be helpful? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
twoforjoy Posted May 12, 2011 Share Posted May 12, 2011 :( I'm sorry for your sister. I'd express your sympathy, let her know you're there for her, and then follow her lead. Women react very, very differently to early miscarriages, and I think that sometimes people can respond in ways that end up making the woman feel like her reaction isn't okay (either because she's not as devastated as others expect her to be or because she needs more time to grieve than they think appropriate), and that just makes things so much worse. I had a miscarriage at 5 weeks before I had my DS. I was one of those people who didn't have a hugely emotional reaction to it and would feel guilty when other people acted as if I should be sadder. I know women who've had early miscarriages who had a very different experience and had a long grief process, and they were really hurt by people acting as if they were being overly dramatic or making too big a deal of things. So, yeah, I'd probably see how she's doing and follow her lead. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BlessedMom Posted May 12, 2011 Share Posted May 12, 2011 :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mommyto4 Posted May 12, 2011 Share Posted May 12, 2011 I lost two babies at about 10 weeks. I really appreciated a small bouquet of flowers and a simple card. It comforted me to know others recognized my pregnancy, the baby and our loss. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fairfarmhand Posted May 12, 2011 Share Posted May 12, 2011 don't try to say things in an attempt to make it all better. Trite phrases like "you can have another baby." only add to the hurt. BTDT. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AuntieM Posted May 12, 2011 Share Posted May 12, 2011 Great advice from twoforjoy. My foot was actually on the other side of the fence, but my miscarriage was just after 12 weeks, so not as early. I was very thankful for those who acknowledged the loss. I was thankful for those who met the physical needs of my family to allow me some down time. Things that hindered or even hurt were those that (a) preached at me instead of just hugging and getting a wee bit teary with me, and (b) those who treated me like I was over reacting (ie, "When I had my miscarriage I just kept on going and didn't think anything of it..." and proceeding to tell me all the clinical details in a quite flippant way). As far as something to say, I think, "I'm sorry for your disappointment" pretty well sums things up and lets the recipient know you're thinking of her, whatever the depth of that disappointment may be. Watching her little one is great. What your other sister is doing is great. When she's feeling physically better, make an effort to get back into your regular relationship routine. If you can, let her know that it's okay for her to talk about it with you if she chooses. Don't let it be the big elephant in the room, but don't harp on it either. I think you will be able to follow her lead. Do watch for signs of depression that go beyond what seems a normal period of sadness. :grouphug: Miscarriages are hard, because no one seems to know the right thing to do. Just keep loving on your sister. My guess is that the best therapy will come from hugging the little guy she has now. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SBMama Posted May 12, 2011 Share Posted May 12, 2011 I lost two babies at about 10 weeks. I really appreciated a small bouquet of flowers and a simple card. It comforted me to know others recognized my pregnancy, the baby and our loss. I lost a baby prior to DD1. It was nice to get a card. It was just nice to know that someone was thinking about us. It really hurt that some (most) people just acted like nothing happened. Maybe they didn't know what to say, but it made me feel like no one cared. You might ask her if there is anything you can do for her. My mom was at our house all day for 2 days in a row (not overnight) while I was miscarrying. I just wanted to be left alone, but she wouldn't listen. Just make sure your sister knows you are there is she needs you. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
newlifemom Posted May 12, 2011 Share Posted May 12, 2011 Love her. Express your sorrow and like the pps stated, follow her lead. :grouphug: to you and your sister. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nakia Posted May 12, 2011 Share Posted May 12, 2011 Just love on her, and let her grieve however she grieves. If she wants to be alone, let her be alone. If she wants to cry, cry with her. Cook a meal, send a card, bring flowers, etc. Watch your words. You can say something and mean well, but it can hurt. Things like, "You can have another baby" or "It was God's plan" are NOT helpful. Just be there. You are a wonderful sister, and it sounds like you are doing a great job already. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OnTheBrink Posted May 12, 2011 Share Posted May 12, 2011 Great advice from twoforjoy. My foot was actually on the other side of the fence, but my miscarriage was just after 12 weeks, so not as early. I was very thankful for those who acknowledged the loss. I was thankful for those who met the physical needs of my family to allow me some down time. Things that hindered or even hurt were those that (a) preached at me instead of just hugging and getting a wee bit teary with me, and (b) those who treated me like I was over reacting (ie, "When I had my miscarriage I just kept on going and didn't think anything of it..." and proceeding to tell me all the clinical details in a quite flippant way). As far as something to say, I think, "I'm sorry for your disappointment" pretty well sums things up and lets the recipient know you're thinking of her, whatever the depth of that disappointment may be. Watching her little one is great. What your other sister is doing is great. When she's feeling physically better, make an effort to get back into your regular relationship routine. If you can, let her know that it's okay for her to talk about it with you if she chooses. Don't let it be the big elephant in the room, but don't harp on it either. I think you will be able to follow her lead. Do watch for signs of depression that go beyond what seems a normal period of sadness. :grouphug: Miscarriages are hard, because no one seems to know the right thing to do. Just keep loving on your sister. My guess is that the best therapy will come from hugging the little guy she has now. Good advice. I also think planting a rosebush or other permanent plant in memory of the child can be helpful, if the mom agrees. Sometimes having a memorial marker can be comforting. For me, when I had a m/c, knowing he was buried and had a grave gave me a lot of comfort. It was like he was a real person, even though he'd never been born. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Calm37 Posted May 12, 2011 Share Posted May 12, 2011 I lost two babies at about 10 weeks. I really appreciated a small bouquet of flowers and a simple card. It comforted me to know others recognized my pregnancy, the baby and our loss. Yes, absolutely, I was so comforted by flowers, or this time of year it is so inexpensive to get a flowering plant that will last longer. Possibly because I never buy flowers, it was wonderful to have a beautiful thing to look at that represented life to me. I bought myself flowers after those died and kept it up for many months! Also, a few people brought meals for my family. All these things helped me to recognize that, yes, something bad had really happened and I could grieve. Blessings, Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IrresistibleGrace Posted May 12, 2011 Share Posted May 12, 2011 You've gotten such great advice already! I agree with twoforjoy, women react differently so pay attention to how your sis is dealing with it and "follow her lead". For me (m/c at 9 wks.), it was emotional and there was a very definite grieving process. It meant alot to me when people treated it as a loss of a baby and not just a medical thing that happens sometimes. Hugs and prayers for you and your sister. She is blessed to have you so close! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nakia Posted May 12, 2011 Share Posted May 12, 2011 I forgot something that might have been mentioned. Acknowledge that she did indeed lose a real baby. When I lost my baby, at 10 weeks, some people acted like it was no big deal, not a real baby. It was as real to me as any of my other babies. We named her and everything. There is a place online that you can go to to have a little bracelet made for her. I will find it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jenL Posted May 12, 2011 Author Share Posted May 12, 2011 Thank you, ladies; I knew I could come here to get the advice I need. I really appreciate the insight. I will definitely follow her lead & give her lots of love. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Luckymama Posted May 12, 2011 Share Posted May 12, 2011 And keep in mind when her due date was just in case she might be emotional then. That week was very difficult for me. I appreciated the friends who took my olders out, who brought dinner some days, and who brought frozen meals for rough days. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jenL Posted May 12, 2011 Author Share Posted May 12, 2011 There is a place online that you can go to to have a little bracelet made for her. I will find it. That would be great... thank you! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jenL Posted May 12, 2011 Author Share Posted May 12, 2011 And keep in mind when her due date was just in case she might be emotional then. That week was very difficult for me. QUOTE] Oh gosh, I would never have thought of this! Thank you so much!!! Her due date was Dec. 31. :crying: She was looking forward to starting a new year with a new family member. Ugh. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melinda in VT Posted May 12, 2011 Share Posted May 12, 2011 I forgot something that might have been mentioned. Acknowledge that she did indeed lose a real baby. When I lost my baby, at 10 weeks, some people acted like it was no big deal, not a real baby. It was as real to me as any of my other babies. We named her and everything. There is a place online that you can go to to have a little bracelet made for her. I will find it. I think this depends on the miscarriage and the person. My miscarriage was a blighted ovum at 11 weeks, and it definitely did not feel like I had lost a baby. It's really safest to follow the lead of the woman who miscarried. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
T'smom Posted May 12, 2011 Share Posted May 12, 2011 I would like to know about the bracelet place too. Definitely remember the due date. For me, that was just as tough as the m/c. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nakia Posted May 12, 2011 Share Posted May 12, 2011 I think this depends on the miscarriage and the person. My miscarriage was a blighted ovum at 11 weeks, and it definitely did not feel like I had lost a baby. It's really safest to follow the lead of the woman who miscarried. From the OP, it sounds like she feels that she did lose a baby, which is why I posted that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
heartlandsahm Posted May 12, 2011 Share Posted May 12, 2011 As someone who has two babies die as a result of miscarriages, let me say "thank you." Thank you for caring and being wise enough to ask for direction. You are already doing wonderfully! I have two words for you, love her (and her family). Let me preface all this by saying, everyone is unique. I will just tell you what I have learned based on my personal experiences. I will PM you, however, I just wanted to encourage you for recognizing her loss. It is just that. Every woman, and man handles it differently, so while there is no pat answer, love really helps us heal. I have lost two babies now. During the times when you find yourself wanting to say something to her and can't find the words to say, I BEG you to simply tell her "I love you and I am so sorry. I am here for you." I know that many people who love me completely, unknowingly said things that were hurtful, and I know that was not there intention. They simply didn't seek out advice, like you have, and had never had any experience with this at all. They simply wanted to say something, wished they could "do something" so unfortunately they said things such as: It was for the best, there was probably something wrong with the baby (this might have been the hardest thing, a life is a life and is to be cherished) But look, you have a son... You can try again... I won't bother to list all the things NOT to say, I just encourage you to love her. There are several written resources that might be an encouragement to her, I will try to find links and PM them to you. I was able to attend a local support group called M.E.N.D. They have several chapters, but not one in NC, I see :-(. We experienced our losses in 2005 and again this January. The first week of February my best friend, a mom of 7 also experienced her first miscarriage. Some things I encouraged her to do that helped us were: Give the baby a name (it helps with the grieving process and I believe helps solidify the fact that you lost a baby, which can be especially difficult when the baby was never held or seen outside the womb). Regardless of whether the gender of the baby was known, some moms just have a feeling and go with that, others choose gender neutral names. I bought & put together a box for my friend. It was a pretty keepsake box, in which I included a journal (she chose to name her unborn daughter Faith so I was able to find a journal with that name on it), a pen, she also put cards she had received (either congratulatory when they found out they were expecting or sympathy), the ultrasound picture if one was taken, etc. For my friend I also found a small pretty item that had encouraging words as a token of our friendship. I also included a card from myself sharing my heart. My friend is also planning on having her children make a "memorial" to place in their backyard as the entire family knew. Similar to a mosaic tile/stepping stone in remembrance of her. I have a James Avery charm bracelet, and my husband purchased a charm that represented a child and put the date that we learned the baby died on it. This was precious to me as I have charms for my two living children on it too. Be available. Not necessarily to do anything, but just to be AROUND. It helps us to know that there is someone we can call to come over or be with if we just feel like we need to cry, want to talk or just don't want to be alone, it can be a confusing time. Sometimes, for me, most of the time, with all those hormones and feelings raging, honestly, I didn't even know WHAT I wanted or needed. It's nice to know that someone understands and is just there for you, when even YOU don't know what you need. Reminder her frequently that you're there for her. I encourage you to mark this date on your calendar for NEXT year. One of the most powerful things that someone did for me, MEND, was have one flower in a bud vase delivered to me on the day/anniversary of my baby's death (the date we learned we miscarried). I was so moved that someone remembered and I was not alone, even though one year later I was "doing" well. It helps confirm that the loss is real, not to sound bizarre but justifiable, in a way, for lack of better words. Trust me, a mom never forgets, so please don't ignore it. The grief is so close to the surface for us, but especially when we already have children we have to get it together on the outside, which can cause us to be more fragile on the inside. Do not worry about "reminding" us of our loss, we never forget, KWIM? Actually, sometimes it helps us and encourages us to know that others have not forgotten. Ironically there have been several "shows" on the radio this week regarding this topic. I will try to find them and link back, you could listen to them yourself, and I am sure they suggest lots of resources that would be an encouragement. I believe one was on Focus on the Family, and perhaps the other was on Family Talk? Blessings, and I am so sorry for her loss, but am so grateful she has someone like you in her life. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jenL Posted May 12, 2011 Author Share Posted May 12, 2011 From the OP, it sounds like she feels that she did lose a baby, which is why I posted that. Yes, both she & I believe there is a baby there once we learn we are pregnant, no matter how small. I will still follow her lead, of course. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nakia Posted May 12, 2011 Share Posted May 12, 2011 For the bracelets: www.clairesfriends.org This is a wonderful site where you can request a memory box for a loss at any stage: miscarriage, stillborn, early infant death, NICU, etc. I requested and received a handmade box with a card and lovely little gifts. It was so touching. It is all volunteer based. http://heavenlyangelsinneed.com/HomeMenu.php Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DianeW88 Posted May 12, 2011 Share Posted May 12, 2011 I had four miscarriages in a row, the last one being twins (hence the large gap in my kids' ages, lol). I really do think you absolutely need to see how the woman is feeling. I did not feel any great need for grieving after mine and would have felt very uncomfortable with some of the things other posters have suggested worked for them. Every woman is an individual and processes this type of event differently. I did not feel like I had lost an actual baby and did view the entire process as a medical "event". So, I would see how she seems to be feeling and handling things. If she is struggling and feeling emotional, then I'm sure some of the suggestions offered would bring her great comfort. If she says she's really fine and doing well, then believe her. Many women are not devastated by a miscarriage, and there is nothing right or wrong about either reaction. Let her behavior be your guide and act accordingly. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IrresistibleGrace Posted May 12, 2011 Share Posted May 12, 2011 As I was reading some of the other posts I was reminded of my DH's response to the miscarriage. So maybe don't forget to consider how this baby's father feels about losing a child. He, too, may need time to grieve and someone to talk to. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TKDmom Posted May 12, 2011 Share Posted May 12, 2011 I don't know if anyone slaw has mentioned this, but grieving comes in waves. It may hit her sometime in the future when she's not expecting it. I think it's important to let her know that you will still be there for her if she finds that the grief comes back sometime in the future. I lost a baby at 15 weeks--I had been crying uncontrollably for 2 weeks before I found out that the baby had died, so one of the initial feelings I had was relief tha there really was something wrong. Once the pregnancy was terminated, I thought that I had already done my grieving, but I was so wrong. I grieved on and off for several months. It was especially difficult when my friends (who were due within a month of me) had their own babies. I appreciated that my dh was always willing to listen to me no matter how much time had passed. I still get sad about that baby sometimes, which I find a little bit ridiculous (it's been almost 4 years), but you can't really control those pesky emotions... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Janie Grace Posted May 12, 2011 Share Posted May 12, 2011 You have gotten some very helpful replies. The only thing I'd add would be to remind her to take it easy -- if she is the type who thinks she "should" be back on her feet and getting stuff done before she's ready. I was very surprised by the duration of bleeding and the *intense* fatigue of an early m/c. I wish someone had told me it was normal, and to rest. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
southcarolinamom Posted May 12, 2011 Share Posted May 12, 2011 I've had 5 miscarriages, and it totally stinks! While the majority of our friends and co-workers were sympathetic and kind, one incident sticks out in my mind as to what NOT to do. Someone from a church we used to attend came by our house, and my husband answered the door. This person handed my DH a book (I don't recall what it was titled) and said he would be praying for us, and that we should ask God to search our hearts for whatever sin was in our lives to cause us to have a miscarriage. What?! :confused: Who thinks this way?! My husband politely told him thank you, closed the door and threw the book away. It was all he could do to keep from decking the guy. (I didn't know about any of this until a year or two ago.) Sheesh. With my 5 miscarriages, 4 were accompanied by D&C's, so I was off of work for a day or two after each miscarriage, to recuperate. I worked at a children's hospital, and it was very hard to go back to work and see children, after losing one of my own! Some practical things that helped my husband and I were: evening meals, special desserts, and funny movie rentals (to keep our minds off of our sorrow). * Don't forget about the husband - men feel so helpless during this time. They want to be the protector of the household, and watching a wife go through a miscarriage is something they have no control over. They have lost a child, too. If you know of a man who can provide your sister's husband with empathy/sympathy, that would help a lot. * Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blakereese Posted May 12, 2011 Share Posted May 12, 2011 (edited) I forgot something that might have been mentioned. Acknowledge that she did indeed lose a real baby. When I lost my baby, at 10 weeks, some people acted like it was no big deal, not a real baby. It was as real to me as any of my other babies. We named her and everything. There is a place online that you can go to to have a little bracelet made for her. I will find it. :iagree: I think that was the most hurtful thing...many people acted like it wasn't a big deal. My BIL actually said something like, "it was just a bunch of cells, it wasn't a baby yet". :001_huh: No, that didn't make us feel better. :glare: Just acknowledge that she did lose a baby, and follow her lead. I think it is great how you and your other sister are helping her now, I wish I would have had help like that. It was hard to keep up with things for a little bit, and I had a lot of physical issues, too. I really appreciated the friends who sent a card, or flowers, or even a meal. I will always remember their kindness. Just tell her you are so sorry, let her talk if she needs to, cry if she needs to, and just be there. Depending on your sister...you know her well, and you could even ask her...but a bit later a small remembrance might be appreciated. I have a necklace with the birthstone the baby would have had as well as the birthstone from the month I lost her. We also have an angel Christmas tree ornament that we got in honor of the baby. Something little like this really might mean a lot to your sister, especially later on when everyone else has forgotten. Don't feel like you are bringing it up after she has gotten over it, or that too much time has passed. Trust me, she'll never forget. And she'll be touched that you didn't forget, either. I like the idea of a plant or bush like someone else mentioned. :grouphug::grouphug: I'm so sorry. These things are never easy. You are a wonderful sister to be asking this. :grouphug::grouphug: Edited May 12, 2011 by blakereese Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blakereese Posted May 12, 2011 Share Posted May 12, 2011 * Don't forget about the husband - men feel so helpless during this time. They want to be the protector of the household, and watching a wife go through a miscarriage is something they have no control over. They have lost a child, too. If you know of a man who can provide your sister's husband with empathy/sympathy, that would help a lot. * I had to post again to agree with this. This is very true. It is usually very hard on the husband. He hates to watch his wife go through the pain, the sadness, and all the tears...you know how men hate to be out of control and unable to fix something. There is nothing to fix with this. My husband was having a hard time with it, and finally had a chance to talk with a husband of one of my friends, who had gone through a miscarriage, too. I think it was helpful to him to talk with another guy and see how they handled it, and that he was not alone. I don't know if there is anyone who could talk with your BIL, or if he would even want it, but do keep him in mind. The men often get forgotten in these situations and they feel the loss as well. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosie_0801 Posted May 12, 2011 Share Posted May 12, 2011 When my friend missed, I sent a bunch of flowers. Apparently that was HEARTWARMING because I was the only one who addressed it to both her and hubby. :001_huh: I thought that was weird. It was his baby too, wasn't it! :grouphug: to your sister. Rosie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dolphin Posted May 12, 2011 Share Posted May 12, 2011 My dh and I planted a pear tree. Every year I get pears and I think about my baby. When I finally had dd her first solid food was the pureed pears from the tree. (This was for my second trimester mc) For the earlier mc (about 7 weeks) My dh got me a precious moments figurine. The only thing that really helped was when dd was born. If the other babies had made it, I wouldn't have her. So there was a reason for it. So, sympathy long term helps. She will be thinking of it long after everyone else. Nicole Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jenL Posted May 12, 2011 Author Share Posted May 12, 2011 It has been a blessing to be able to come to this board and hear others' stories. I am so grateful. Thank you for taking the time to write and help me sort through this as I try to help my sister. I saw her today, and she is so pale, and just has this sadness about her. She asked if she could come over tomorrow to get out of her house. Of course I said yes. I'll be making her dinner while her dh works. Thanks again, ladies. Your words of encouragment have been perfect and have helped me to think of all angles. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.