vent lack of sensitivity to diet

[bettyandbob]

dd13 has celiac. She is on a very competitive cheerleading team. The competition season ends in a couple weeks with the US Finals. This is a new team for her and she has enjoyed it. There are two coaches'. One is an RN and a mom of a girl on the team. The other has 2 school age children, but no child on the team. The girls have won everything and are going into the finals ranked 2nd, so although I know nothing about this sport, I believe the coaches know what they are doing.

 

BUT

 

Throughout the year they've done treats, all of them food. Donuts for an early practice; pizza, brownies and donuts for a sleepover; etc. Now, they have a final meal together--breakfast at a pancake restaurant. They know my daughter can't eat gluten. They want us to pay $11 for the breakfast. I had to pay for dd to attend the sleepover (and bring her own cold dinner).

 

Just once could they have thought of a gluten free treat. They could have done tacos instead of pizza for the sleep over. Why don't they have fruit. Why didn't they email me ahead of the notice of the final meal together and ask me to check to see if the restaurant could provide something for dd.

 

It's not really fellowship if one person has to sit and watch everyone else eat.

 

dd is new to this program and I'm booked with commitments so trying to become a team mom (I don't feel part of the clique anyway) and show them alternatives that are easy and inexpensive is not really possible. I've done that in other activities though.

 

I guess I don't really understand how adults who are also moms could constantly wave forbidden food in front of a kid over the course of 9 months and not think anything of it. Before my dc were diagnosed with anything I didn't do that. I remember thoroughly cleaning every item in my kitchen so I could prepare peanut free items for a preschool party at my home, so an invitee and her parent felt safe.

 

It's so annoying. Vent over.

[plain jane]

Ugh. :grouphug: I totally sympathize with you and your dd. My family has a ton of very serious food sensitivities/allergies and we've had to deal with this sort of thing a lot. It stinks, there's no way around it & it's worse when people are so inconsiderate.:glare:

[gingersmom]

I'm pretty surprised by their behavior. My daughter was on a skating team and doughnuts, pizza, anything deemed unhealthy was banned by the coach. Plus there were 2 girls with peanut allergies and we were told that if you bought a snack for the team (cupcakes for birthday), it needed to be peanut free.

 

Did you tell them about your daughters celiac disease?

[bettyandbob]

I'm pretty surprised by their behavior. My daughter was on a skating team and doughnuts, pizza, anything deemed unhealthy was banned by the coach. Plus there were 2 girls with peanut allergies and we were told that if you bought a snack for the team (cupcakes for birthday), it needed to be peanut free.

 

Did you tell them about your daughters celiac disease?

 

 

Yes, they know. It's was really emphasized at the sleepover, I had to email back and forth about the food plans (whether dd would be permitted to heat a gluten free pizza at the gym--no, etc).

 

Don't get me started on the crap they are encouraging these girls to eat. Like I said one of the coaches is a nurse.

[Dana]

:grouphug:

 

That really stinks. I'm sorry.

[Mom0012]

I deal with this with my son and scouting. I don't really expect the scouts to provide gluten free, nut free food for my son, but I get annoyed that I have to pay the same amount for camping trips where a big chunk of the expense is food my son can't eat. Then I have to spend a large amount on food to send with him.

 

Even more frustrating is the week-long camp in a remote location that he and my husband go on every summer. They always say they will accommodate his diet, but sometimes they do and sometimes they don't. Some years, their idea of "accommodating" is if eggs, bacon and pancakes are being served for breakfast, my son can have eggs and bacon. I don't want him on an Atkins diet for a week! The last two years, I have sent $100 of food with him just to ensure he (and a few other unsuspecting celiac campers) would have something to eat other than meat and fruit.

 

At least they will allow my husband into the kitchen to prepare his food. That sounds better than what you are dealing with.

 

Lisa

[TechWife]

Throughout the year they've done treats, all of them food. Donuts for an early practice; pizza, brownies and donuts for a sleepover; etc. Now, they have a final meal together--breakfast at a pancake restaurant. They know my daughter can't eat gluten. They want us to pay $11 for the breakfast. I had to pay for dd to attend the sleepover (and bring her own cold dinner).

 

Perhaps you should talk to them and tell them that you will pay for expenses that your daughter has, but that you can't pay for food she does not eat. Pancake restaurants usually serve far more than pancakes. Have you looked at her menu online and helped her find something she can eat?

 

Just once could they have thought of a gluten free treat. They could have done tacos instead of pizza for the sleep over. Why don't they have fruit. Why didn't they email me ahead of the notice of the final meal together and ask me to check to see if the restaurant could provide something for dd.

 

:confused:

This may come across as blunt - I've tried to soften it, but have come up at a loss. Please accept it in the spirit it's intended, just to give you some food for thought.

 

What would you do if the shoe were on the other foot?

 

First, have you spoken with the person who makes food plans about this? The direct route is usually the best route.

 

Second, I don't think it's appropriate to expect others to cater to special dietary needs. Why should the team as a whole have to eat tacos if most of them prefer pizza? Personally, my son won't touch a taco but scarfs down pizza. I wouldn't expect anyone to cater to him if they were serving tacos, though. He would either bring his own, find something to eat that was offered or go without.

 

It's not really fellowship if one person has to sit and watch everyone else eat.

 

Food does not equal fellowship. Your daughter can indeed fellowship with others even if she is not eating. To think otherwise is to put forth unhealthy eating and/or relational patterns as legitimate.

 

Also, she can't even drink some ice water to keep her hands occupied?

 

dd is new to this program and I'm booked with commitments so trying to become a team mom (I don't feel part of the clique anyway) and show them alternatives that are easy and inexpensive is not really possible. I've done that in other activities though.

 

There's an old saying that stands strong - if you aren't willing to be part of the solution, then don't be part of the problem. If you want to influence the decision makers, then you need to get involved.

 

If this is a deal breaker for you, make sure your daughter is on board with that. It might be that she would rather participate than not, even if it means standing out by eating a bit differently.

 

I guess I don't really understand how adults who are also moms could constantly wave forbidden food in front of a kid over the course of 9 months and not think anything of it.

Are they really waving this in front of your daughter? Are they being pushy, insisting that she eat something she can't? Or, are they just serving the food?

 

With a 13 year old, I would expect them to know what they can & can't eat and then what to do/say if they aren't sure. It really is her responsibility, not theirs. If you daughter isn't able to do this on her own at her age, then you need to plan to be there to supervise her food intake.

 

Before my dc were diagnosed with anything I didn't do that. I remember thoroughly cleaning every item in my kitchen so I could prepare peanut free items for a preschool party at my home, so an invitee and her parent felt safe.

 

I have done the very same thing. However, if you had a person who was allergic to peanuts, a diabetic, a gluten free guest, a vegetarian, someone allergic to dairy, someone on a carb free diet and someone who thinks red food is gross, would you really be able to accommodate them all in one meal? What if you multiply this all by 20? Could you accommodate then?

 

Sorry if I come across as a bit strong, but I have organized quite a few events, large and small. There is no way you are going to please everyone, ever. Food is especially difficult. You can run an event that is reasonable in it's price (free even), delivers on it's promises content wise, logistics can go smoothly and someone is going to complain about the food. It doesn't matter if it's a team of ten or a group of 1,000, someone is going to be unhappy with the food and will let the organizer know about it. The more people who are there, the more people will complain. As an organizer, I have learned to grin and bear it. I also recruit volunteers from the people who come to me with comments, negative or positive. I can usually tell what is really important to someone by their willingness to go the extra mile the next time around.

 

OK, stepping off my soapbox now & running for cover. :leaving::leaving:

[Impish]

My mom has Celiac and mentioned going to Golden Griddle for breakfast. I'd check with where they're going.

[bettyandbob]

 

What would you do if the shoe were on the other foot?

 

 

 

 

I was an organizer of a team for several years. Like I said, before my dc were diagnosed I made sure alternatives were included at events. It's just not that hard.

 

Food does equal fellowship if the only social thing you do for social gatherings is offer food.

 

If this were a one time thing, it wouldn't bother me. But about once a month the coaches are offering food or in the case of the sleepover and this final party asking us to pay for food. Besides this activity I cannot tell how many times I've paid for food included in the cost, because organizers refused to take it out of the cost. And truly I've paid for all the treats --there was an extra collection that went to the coaches to spend at the beginning of the year. I know they aren't buying donuts out of their own pockets. Oh and the girls didn't vote on the food at the sleepover, no one asked what they wanted or gave a choice, so suggesting tacos over pizzas is not really out of line.

 

This is a sport. They would be better off not having food events, what they are offering is crap.

 

"The shoe being on the other foot" is what's suggested by people who have never been expected to pay for what they can't consume. To be asked to do this repeatedly by the same people who are providing the food as "fun" is ridiculous.

Edited April 26, 2011 by betty

[bettyandbob]

My mom has Celiac and mentioned going to Golden Griddle for breakfast. I'd check with where they're going.

 

 

I will call. But the coaches arranged a set menu already and went on about pancakes during practice. If she could order her own eggs and juice, that would be ok, but the vibe I got from sending dd's own food to the sleepover is it's such an inconvenience (does the coach want my dd to get sick or go hungry over the inconvience, I didn't ask the coach to prepare food, I was just sending and asked that it not be mixed in with the other food).

[joannqn]

While I agree that you can't please everyone, but when you have one person on a team that has a major, life-altering, health-affecting food intolerance, they can at least make an attempt. There are plenty of easy and tasty ways to do a gluten free snack that most can enjoy.

[AnitaMcC]

For potlucks, camping, sleep overs, etc.: I would just request to not pay the food portion of the fees if the food options are not going to be what my child could eat and just send food with child.

 

If going out to a food place: Chances are something will be available that can be eaten. But if not, then maybe eat at home and then attend outing and get a treat instead of meal?

Edited April 26, 2011 by AnitaMcC

[mommaduck]

The best that can be suggested is that you call one of the other ladies, probably the RN, and talk with her about your concerns as well as your feelings of being offended. Maybe refuse to pay for the pancake breakfast and have your daughter bring her own fresh fruit or what not.

[Cheryl in NM]

"The shoe being on the other foot" is what's suggested by people who have never been expected to pay for what they can't consume. To be asked to do this repeated by the same people who are providing the food as "fun" is ridiculous.

 

Wow, you sound really hurt and offended. You really would expect your daughter to only be allowed to eat the foods of someone else's restricted diet, even if she didn't like the food? So for 1 person, the whole team has to adjust and like it or lump it? Is that really what you want to teach your daughter?

 

Actually, we all pay costs for which we reap no benefit. As homeschoolers we pay taxes that go to the public school we do not utilize. On a sports team to give money that isn't always spent in the way you would spend it.

 

Your desires for this team are not outrageous. You're right, they are a sports team, not a "food" team. Their behavior stinks, especially the nurses. They could at least provide a few items your daughter can eat.

 

That being said, since you've been very vocal with them and they haven't adjusted their behavior to fit your desires and your daughter's needs they have effectively told you that they don't care if your daughter participates. The ball is in your court. Have your daughter participate, keep paying their fees, provide your daughter's special food and then be silent about it (take the high road for your daughter's benefit and enjoyment of this team) OR look for another team or sport for your daughter.

 

I know it's frustrating, but sometimes those are our choices. Your daughter is watching. Give her the skills to handle this in the future when she's grown and has to handle it on her own.

 

Keep on keeping on is not working in this case.

 

I'm sorry you are going through this. :grouphug:

[AnitaMcC]

If the activity is available to the public (scouts, park district, school functions, organized sports, etc) I think the Disability Act can come into play.

 

They must accommodate a person with disabilities. So if they are not willing to accommodate the food choices, then they can not require you to pay a fee that your child will not receive the benefits that come from that fee.

 

I could be very wrong about this though.

 

In our area, the scouts will discount certain fees if the fees are for activities that a child with disabilities is unable to participate.

[Snickerdoodle]

Betty, if these are frequent social events involving food, I don't see why they couldn't accommodate your daughter at least some of the time.

 

:grouphug:

[Mama Geek]

Dh has celiac. We are responsible for his food ALL THE TIME. We don't eat at other people's houses unless one of us is super involved in helping to cook. I have packed lunches for him to take to lunch meetings, it is just the way things are. Yes he has gone to functions and not eaten anything. It is just something we live with. I'd pack food for any over night functions and just tell the coaches they have to deal with it.

[AnitaMcC]

Now, they have a final meal together--breakfast at a pancake restaurant. They know my daughter can't eat gluten. They want us to pay $11 for the breakfast.

 

It's so annoying. Vent over.

 

 

I would just tell them that no, you will not pay $11 for a restaraunt meal that child is unable to eat. But you will send $ for your Dd to order a separate meal while attending the outing with the team.

 

And if the nurse coach is so cold hearted and unwilling to work with you and your Dd... then she shouldn't be a nurse!!!!!!!!

[Guest Dulcimeramy]

My four sons all have celiac disease.

 

I don't want anyone to provide food for them, because so few people seem capable of getting it right. Celiac disease is so complicated!

 

I also don't want others to resent my kids because they are deprived of their standard American diet to accommodate the kid with the weird diet. No thanks.

 

So, for 100% of our activities and socializing, I provide the food. I provide ready-to-eat items, or a cooler, or I come along so I can purchase or prepare food away from home.

 

We don't go anywhere with anyone unless they can live with this arrangement. If they aren't happy unless all the people are eating exactly the same food at the same time, they are not going to be in our circle of friends and associates. If they aren't happy with a Mom showing up with a cooler full of GF food for an all-day event when the other kids are all eating McDonald's, then my kid won't be in their special club. Simple as that.

 

We do miss out on some types of groups, activities, and events, and extra-curriculars are a huge pain in the neck for me, but such is life with a disability.

 

My kids are going to grow up knowing that they deserve to eat, just like everyone else, and they deserve safe food. They aren't going to sit there hungry while stupid adults don't care. As their mother, I care, and I will make sure they are fed. It is my responsibility alone.

 

So I jump through a thousand hoops for my kids so they can do their favorite activities, but I draw the line at paying for everybody else's pizza or whatever.

 

I absolutely, certainly would not pay for food that my child will not be eating. That is ridiculous. What is wrong with people, that they think a kid who won't get a sip or a bite of the meal should pay for any part of it?

[Guest Dulcimeramy]

Dh has celiac. We are responsible for his food ALL THE TIME. We don't eat at other people's houses unless one of us is super involved in helping to cook. I have packed lunches for him to take to lunch meetings, it is just the way things are. Yes he has gone to functions and not eaten anything. It is just something we live with. I'd pack food for any over night functions and just tell the coaches they have to deal with it.

 

:iagree:

 

I would just tell them that no, you will not pay $11 for a restaraunt meal that child is unable to eat. But you will send $ for your Dd to order a separate meal while attending the outing with the team.

 

And if the nurse coach is so cold hearted and unwilling to work with you and your Dd... then she shouldn't be a nurse!!!!!!!!

 

:iagree:

[bettyandbob]

I haven't been incredibly vocal--but the coaches know. I'm not a pushy parent, I used to manage another team sport (for years) so I know the work involved and I know the coaches don't need another hovering parent.

 

I have never encountered an event through my dc's activities (scouts, church, church camp, you name it) where when I asked (and I have asked) the price for food could be taken out. Everyone I know who has a food issue has this same problem--paying for everyone else's food or their kid not attending. If it's a one time thing it's a little annoying, but essentially I'm paying for food quite few times within this year from the same coordinators who know the problem.

 

Many of you say just don't pay, but that means the option the majority of the time is dd would not participate at all.

[bettyandbob]

Dh has celiac. We are responsible for his food ALL THE TIME. We don't eat at other people's houses unless one of us is super involved in helping to cook. I have packed lunches for him to take to lunch meetings, it is just the way things are. Yes he has gone to functions and not eaten anything. It is just something we live with. I'd pack food for any over night functions and just tell the coaches they have to deal with it.

 

 

I agree with this for the most part, but when you are providing treats for a kids activity regularly with money provided by the parents and every single time it's something that one of the kids can't have isn't that insensitive and innappropriate. Why not treat the kids with a non food item once in a while--hair ribbons. If you want junk lollipops have less calories, no fat and generally allergen free. They don't have to do it everytime, just once in a while it would be nice to enjoy what is offered.

 

The coaches have made this big emphasis on supporting one another and this just goes the other way.

[Guest Dulcimeramy]

 

 

I agree with this for the most part, but when you are providing treats for a kids activity regularly with money provided by the parents and every single time it's something that one of the kids can't have isn't that insensitive and innappropriate. Why not treat the kids with a non food item once in a while--hair ribbons. If you want junk lollipops have less calories, no fat and generally allergen free. They don't have to do it everytime, just once in a while it would be nice to enjoy what is offered.

 

The coaches have made this big emphasis on supporting one another and this just goes the other way.

 

This is a total hard-nosed answer, but I confess I am that way when it comes to my kids' celiac disease:

 

I would say that these people are not modeling the values that your child should learn, and they are not exhibiting any proof that they give two hoots about her.

 

In my book, those are two good reasons to look for a different club to join.

[ondreeuh]

I'm sorry you've received such criticism here! I don't think you're asking for anything outrageous at all.

 

I would get clarification from the coach on this restaurant meal. I'm assuming the restaurant requires that large groups order ahead of time so they can be prepared. I'd tell the coach that you are happy to make arrangements with the restaurant to do a separate meal for your daughter, and the coach can either pay for her meal with the $11 charge, or you can give your dd money to pay for her own meal separately.

 

If you haven't been very vocal about this, then they really might not know that you're bothered. Consider suggesting to them that they try some gluten-free meals, or at the very least GF side dishes, so your dd can participate. As you've said, there are healthy, mainstream options like tacos, so it's not like you're asking them to serve "weird" food. At the very least they should offer a green salad and fruit with meals, which EVERYONE would benefit from.

[cin]

Wow, you sound really hurt and offended. You really would expect your daughter to only be allowed to eat the foods of someone else's restricted diet, even if she didn't like the food? So for 1 person, the whole team has to adjust and like it or lump it? Is that really what you want to teach your daughter?

 

 

 

 

I didnt' get that impression. At one point she asked if dd could bring her own food and heat it up in the microwave adn they said no. It's not just that they don't serve any foods that dd can eat. It honestly sounds like they are not allowing ANY foods other than their own foods. It sounds like THEY are not even trying to meet her halfway, by letting her bring her own food. AND charging her for food that she canNOT eat.

 

She paid a fee at the beginning of the year that has been used to provide food for the girls. And not ONE time did they provide anything that she could eat.

 

I don't think she wants them to go vegan. If they are bringing several different foods (pizza, brownies, cookies) why can't they bring ONE thing her daughter can eat? After all, she DID pay for it at the beginning of the year. How much does a freakin' apple cost?

 

I'm also hearing that part of the concern is not just DD's celiac but the general foods that are being provided. There appear to be NO healthy choices available.

 

On the flip side, what would they do if they had a child on the team who had a deadly food allergy? From the way they've ignored the celiac issue, I'd almost expect pb&j to be served.

 

If I were you, mom, I'd seriously consider finding another group. These women are not modeling good character. They are discriminating against someone who has a special need. And they are being selfish, rude and inconsiderate.

 

:rant:

[Sebastian (a lady)]

I honestly don't get the "lump it" attitude. When I was the head of a boy scout troop, we had two Hindu scouts, one vegetarian (by choice), and a fourth who was allergic to meat and eggs.

I was really proud of how creative and attentive the scouts were in making sure their friends could eat.

But that was the crux of it. These boys were in fact their friends and they wanted to make sure they were taken care of.

 

I don't know about Celiac other than the requirement to avoid gluten. I don't know what that would really exclude or allow. But once I did understand I would make sure that was taken into account.

[Cheryl in NM]

I honestly don't get the "lump it" attitude. When I was the head of a boy scout troop, we had two Hindu scouts, one vegetarian (by choice), and a fourth who was allergic to meat and eggs.

I was really proud of how creative and attentive the scouts were in making sure their friends could eat.

But that was the crux of it. These boys were in fact their friends and they wanted to make sure they were taken care of.

 

I don't know about Celiac other than the requirement to avoid gluten. I don't know what that would really exclude or allow. But once I did understand I would make sure that was taken into account.

 

I think what some of us are saying, I certainly am, is that they have exhibited no concern about her daughter or desire to meet her daughter's needs. It is HER responsibility to provide for her daughter. She made requests, they been un-heeded. She paid her fee; she wasted her money. It's time to move on. She's done all she can do without filing discrimination charges that would only make a bad situation for her daughter.

[Sebastian (a lady)]

Indonesia understand the suggestion that you can only bang against a wall so often.

What I don't really get is the seeming lack of interest from group organizers for the health of a member of the group. That just wasn't the experience I've had as a leader in similar groups.

[Jenny in Florida]

"The shoe being on the other foot" is what's suggested by people who have never been expected to pay for what they can't consume. To be asked to do this repeatedly by the same people who are providing the food as "fun" is ridiculous.

 

I'm so sorry you and your daughter are being treated this way.

 

Although we are vegans, that is an ethical choice. We don't have food allergies or intolerances that make me fear for my child's safety if he or she eats the wrong thing. But I think it does give me a teensy bit of insight into these kinds of problems.

 

My son also has a very good friend who has multiple, severe food allegies. And, once upon a time, we were friendly with a family in which one of the daughters had celiac.

 

And, you know what? We accomodated everyone at gatherings that involved food. I feel strongly that food IS social. And to make food a group event and then repeatedly select meals that exclude one of the members from participating is extremely uncaring. To insist that the member in question help foot the bill for everyone else and STILL be excluded is breathtakingly rude, as far as I'm concerned.

 

I think you have every right to be upset.

 

With that said, here's how we've handled this sort of thing in the past. (Again, I want to emphasize that I recognize our challenges are teeny compared to yours, since eating a "wrong" food is not life-threatening for my kids, just irritating.)

 

Usually, I would start by looking carefully at the menu of the restaurant where the event is taking place. If I think there is a possibility there might be something appropriate, I might call or e-mail the restaurant directly to get more information. Some places are good about accomodating special dietary needs. Others aren't.

 

If I find something can be done that will allow my child to eat with the group, I make those arrangements. In this case, where everyone is being asked to contribute to pay for the group's meal, I might ask the person organizing the event how I should handle this? I would make it clear that my child needs a special meal and ask whether the cost will be averaged into the group rate or whether I should simply pay my own child's bill.

 

If there is really nothing my kiddo can eat, I ask my child if he wants to go just for fellowship or whether he would rather skip the event. Most of the time, mine choose to go, anyway. We make a point of feeding them before they go and making arrangements for a snack later. Under those circumstances, however, I would make it very clear that we were not going to contribute to the cost of the meal.

 

Again, I'm so sorry you and your daughter are being treated so unkindly. I hope you work out something that makes this event safe and fun for her.

[texasmama]

:grouphug: Dealing with celiac issues here, too. I would absolutely NOT pay for a breakfast that dd could not eat. I might have her eat prior to going if SHE wants to attend and then order a drink only. If she doesn't want to attend, then I wouldn't ask her to.

 

We are very accustomed to taking our own alternative foods to get togethers (as you are) but a breakfast at a gluteny restaurant where it would be hard for her to order anything that was safe for her is very incosiderate. I'm sure another activity could have been arranged that would have been easier to accomodate her at. If she doesn't go, I would tell the leaders exactly why. :grouphug:

[SonshineLearner]

They just don't understand :( Many people, unless it's their own kids... just don't even think about caring :(

 

Sorry :(

[jujsky]

 

 

Yes, they know. It's was really emphasized at the sleepover, I had to email back and forth about the food plans (whether dd would be permitted to heat a gluten free pizza at the gym--no, etc).

 

Don't get me started on the crap they are encouraging these girls to eat. Like I said one of the coaches is a nurse.

 

At first I thought you might be being a bit oversensitive, but after reading the above, I'm just mad for you and your DD. They seriously wouldn't let her heat up her own pizza? What the heck was their reasoning for THAT? It's not like you were asking for some outrageous accommodation or expecting the entire team to eat gluten-free.

[kitten18]

:grouphug: They're being extremely insensitive.

[homeschoolally]

I would say that these people are not modeling the values that your child should learn, and they are not exhibiting any proof that they give two hoots about her.

 

In my book, those are two good reasons to look for a different club to join.

:iagree: