**vent** Issues with my mom... anybody been there?

[kchara]

When my DD was born, my mom told me that "it isn't about you anymore, EVERYTHING is about that baby." And that's seriously how it's been, for the past almost 10 years. I am SO tired of it. She NEVER calls me. She calls the kids, but I barely get a hello. She goes straight to, "Where are the kids? What are they doing?" And then, she doesn't want to actually talk to them or care about what they have going on. No, she's too busy trying to bribe them to come visit her in FL and go to Disney!! :glare: My DD got a BEAUTIFUL, custom made modest swimsuit b/c I won a gift certificate on a blog giveaway. I posted pictures of it on FB... Mom called and made her SO self conscious, then proceeded to tell me how I'm making her ashamed of her body. I am SO over this.

 

Today, we got a box in the mail from her, full of Easter... junk. A card for each of the kids, with a dollar in for each, and then full of junk food. Not even a card for DH and I. Not even an acknowledgement we exist, except that the package was addressed to me. Well, we had to go grocery shopping right away, and I didn't get a chance to call her until the evening. When I did, she proceeded to completely curse me out b/c DH forgot to call my Grandmother to thank her for his birthday card 11 days ago. Never mind that in that time, we've had 7 cases of a 24 hour stomach bug, DH has been working tons of overtime, and we're just generally exhausted. She doesn't know about that... but she never even bothered to ask, either. Just got right on to screaming at me about how inconsiderate I am. I hung up on her.

 

I'm so over this. I don't think I would mind so much, if I thought she cared. But it's obvious she doesn't. She doesn't care about the kids' education, since I'm the one handling it. She thinks I'm an idiot who can't handle it, and, therefore, they will be idiots, too. She doesn't care about their interests, and she doesn't care about me at all.

 

The problem is, I absolutely crave a decent mother/daughter relationship. I don't know why I'm so shocked by her. She made it clear, it's all about the kids. Only it's not, it's all about HER, and what kind of grandmother she is perceived to be by the outside world. How hard is it to say, "You know, it's not like you not to call and say thank you to your Grandma. Is everything OK?" or "How have you guys been? We haven't talked in a few weeks, and I miss you."

 

I want the relationship people have when they can go to their parents for parenting advice. I want my mom to even acknowledge I exist as more than the family freak show, or a breeder for her grandchildren. I want my family to love me for *me*. I don't get it. I feel so unlovable when they pull stuff like this. DH tells me that isn't true, but if your own mother doesn't want anything to do with you... I'm also PPD, so that's not helping, either.

 

Has anyone else dealt with their parents behaving like this? How do you deal? Do you just cut them off completely? I tried that, and then got a lovely guilt trip about how much she loves me and wants to be in my life. We've had a conversation all of one time since then. That was back at Christmas. What do I do? I'm trying hard to honor my parents, like the Bible said, but she's making it d*** hard.

[OrganicAnn]

My mom says if you want a good relationship with grandkids, you need to be nice to their mothers (works for both daughters and daughters in laws). Your mom has obviously not heard this bit of wisdom.

 

I have no other advice. Just a :grouphug:

[Mommyof4ks]

:grouphug: I don't have any advice about what to do in the long run, but perhaps not answering the phone every time she calls might help. Only answer when you are ready to talk with her, and let her know that she is to only say things that lift up your children or she will not be allowed to talk to them on the phone without you on the phone to cut her off when she gets out of line. She needs boundaries. If she continues I don't really know what to do, but others will surely have more experience than I do.

 

I just had to run interference with MIL today. *sigh*

[Twilight Woods]

if you figure it out........I'm :bigear:

 

 

:grouphug:

[PentecostalMom]

Mine has improved over the years, LOTS of years, but sometimes it's bad! MIL? She does NOT mess with me. Trained her from the beginning, lol. I am simply hoping to do a better job than my mom. :grouphug:

[meggie]

My mom says if you want a good relationship with grandkids, you need to be nice to their mothers (works for both daughters and daughters in laws). Your mom has obviously not heard this bit of wisdom.

 

 

:iagree: My mom knows this. She was very worried about it because my dad (when they were still married) used to say awful things about my SIL that eventually made their way to my SIL and my mom was so worried that SIL would cut them off from the grandkids.

 

Did your mom generally treat you like dirt when you were growing up? Did she talk with you that much before you had kids? My dad didn't pay all that much attention to us growing up, at least not in a loving way. But it got worse as we left the house. We didn't really talk much in the few years before their divorce and since then, some things have come to light to make me not want to talk to him at all. So I don't. In my opinion, evil people need to be kept away from you and your children. And yes, I still cry every time he sends me a birthday card. The conflicting feelings are still there and it hurts so badly. :grouphug: to you. What does your DH think you should do?

 

And why would you want parenting advice from her anyway? I would think it would be kinda lousy given her history with you.

[Alicia64]

This is exactly my mother. Exactly. Doesn't care about me. Doesn't like me. I'm positive that I'm a huge disappointment to her and to my dad.

 

Whatever.

 

I used to long for a "real" mom and dad. I turned myself into a pretzel for decades trying to get them to approve of me. Maybe if I got married. Maybe if I lose weight. Maybe if I buy a house. Maybe if I have kids. Then I had my babies and that was it. I no longer cared. Finally I grew a brain and moved 3,000 miles away. Bliss your name is the east coast.

 

Thankfully I had a wonderful grandmother. They say that as long as an abused child knows one person who really loves her and "gets" her that that child can grow and thrive. My grandmother showed me what love was.

 

Anyway it helped me a lot to realize that while I would never have a "real" mom or dad to cherish me and allow me to cherish them. . . that I had a second chance w/ my own children. So I cherish my children and make sure they know they're loved and appreciated -- and liked!!

 

Re: cut off. I cut off from my dad once for a year and it was a great year. I wish I had kept it going. They call it "no contact."

 

My parents are like your mom in that they dote on my sons and adore them etc. They visit twice a year and make rude comments to me about how many hours they had to spend on the plane to get here. (Well, they should have been nicer. Right?) When my mom wants a picture and I happen to be next to my boys, she waits for me to move so that I won't be in the picture.

 

I can't imagine treating my boys like this one day. I would want pictures of my sons and my grandkids -- and my daughters in law too!!!

 

You know, this crazy behavior really isn't about you or me. . . it's about something awful/sad/whatever inside of our parents that's just been unleashed on us. And my understanding is that these types of people tend to unleash on sensitive, sweet people.

 

Take care. It's a sad road, but just take great pleasure in your own very precious children. (You know what NOT to do.)

 

Alley

[Alicia64]

Mine has improved over the years, LOTS of years, but sometimes it's bad! MIL? She does NOT mess with me. Trained her from the beginning, lol. I am simply hoping to do a better job than my mom. :grouphug:

 

:lol:

[caitlinsmom]

I could have written this post word for word. <<HUGS>> I know exactly how you feel.

 

Over the years I have had to distance myself from my mom. She doesn't truly want anything to do with me or my family. However every single time she lets me down (percieved or real) I am surprised and hurt. I don't think it gets any easier maybe just more tolerable like anything in life. I wish I had some fantastic advice for you but I don't.

You'll be in my thoughts.

[kalanamak]

No advice, but be strong. :grouphug:

[jujsky]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: No advice for you, but I'm sorry you're dealing with this. I don't understand people like your mother.

[Carol in Cal.]

This is exactly my mother. Exactly. Doesn't care about me. Doesn't like me. I'm positive that I'm a huge disappointment to her and to my dad.

 

Whatever.

 

I used to long for a "real" mom and dad. I turned myself into a pretzel for decades trying to get them to approve of me. Maybe if I got married. Maybe if I lose weight. Maybe if I buy a house. Maybe if I have kids. Then I had my babies and that was it. I no longer cared. Finally I grew a brain and moved 3,000 miles away. Bliss your name is the east coast.

 

Thankfully I had a wonderful grandmother. They say that as long as an abused child knows one person who really loves her and "gets" her that that child can grow and thrive. My grandmother showed me what love was.

 

Anyway it helped me a lot to realize that while I would never have a "real" mom or dad to cherish me and allow me to cherish them. . . that I had a second chance w/ my own children. So I cherish my children and make sure they know they're loved and appreciated -- and liked!!

 

 

 

 

This is also my situation. Unfortunately I have to live nearby for DH's job reasons.

 

I will not be like this if my DD ever has children.

[Tarreymere]

Unfortunately, there is no law that requires parents to be mentally healthy before they have kids or grandkids. Both my parents were narcisistic and my mother was borderline also, IMO. They are both passed away now, and quite frankly it is a relief. The only thing that helped with my mother was to completely cut off all contact, and my brother and I both did that when we got older, in our late teens. My dad cut off contact with me years later because I didn't call him on Christmas day one year, despite my telling him when I called the next day that I had worked a twelve hour night shift on Christmas eve (I was an RN) and had driven two hours to make it home from my travel assignment and had just falled asleep on the couch after the present opening with my children. He was too offended to deal with this, apparently, and refused to speak to me ever again. I wasn't too upset by this, since the man couldn't name my children and wouldn't have known them if they tripped him in the street. Some people are just toxic and it is much better to stay away, as far away as you can.

[Peela]

I would cut her off and demand better behaviour and respect from her before allowing further contact.

Let her blow up and be furious. Let her release some of her poison. But stand firm and then keep standing firm when she tries to manipulate and guilt trip you into further contact on her terms. Either she will stay away- which is fine- or she will learn to treat you all with more respect.

Otherwise, she will just keep doing it.

But I am not afraid of that sort of conflict- I left my family when I was a teenager and went back much later on my own terms.

You would be doing yourself, her, your kids and your dh a favour by standing up to her. It is a loving thing to do, ultimately. Or, if she is too old to take it- keep the distance and minimise contact.

[NanceXToo]

I'm sorry. :grouphug:

 

I've had a lot of issues with my mother, too; from as far back as I can remember- childhood to adulthood. They'd take a year and a day to go into here. Suffice it to say I just spent 5 months not talking to her at all and finally just laid everything on the line to her after a recent email she wrote me and told her that if we were to have any relationship at all, changes had to be made- we are tentatively starting over from here but if things go south again, I'm just done. Like permanently done.

 

In the meanwhile, I am trying my best to be a very different kind of mother than the kind I had/have and have come to terms with the fact that she never was and never will be the kind of mother I have dreamt of having (nor will she ever be the kind of grandmother I've dreamt of my kids having). So I try to BE that kind of mother instead, so that my daughter will grow up able to BE that kind of mother to her kids and so on, and I'm grateful for the love and support I get from the other people in my life. And I try to give that to myself, too.

 

Your choices are:

 

1) Write her a heartfelt letter or email laying it on the line- how you feel, what you need/would like from her, and see what happens.

 

2) Accept that you can't change a person who doesn't care to change and have whatever relationship you are able to have with her on those terms.

 

3) Severely limit your interactions with her and/or cut her out of your life (perhaps after making an attempt at number 1 first?)

 

Either way, be kind to yourself. It's not you, it's her. You don't HAVE to have a toxic person in your life just because they are related to you, so if you decide the time has come to cut her off, don't feel guilty. And you don't need her. You don't. You have a husband, kids, friends who care about you... if she doesn't want to be one of those people, it's her problem and her loss and maybe it has something to do with the way SHE was raised... but if it was, the cycle ends with you. You will be a better mom than your mom was/is.

[G5052]

I'm sorry. :grouphug:

 

In the meanwhile, I am trying my best to be a very different kind of mother than the kind I had/have and have come to terms with the fact that she never was and never will be the kind of mother I have dreamt of having (nor will she ever be the kind of grandmother I've dreamt of my kids having). So I try to BE that kind of mother instead, so that my daughter will grow up able to BE that kind of mother to her kids and so on, and I'm grateful for the love and support I get from the other people in my life. And I try to give that to myself, too.

 

Your choices are:

 

1) Write her a heartfelt letter or email laying it on the line- how you feel, what you need/would like from her, and see what happens.

 

2) Accept that you can't change a person who doesn't care to change and have whatever relationship you are able to have with her on those terms.

 

3) Severely limit your interactions with her and/or cut her out of your life (perhaps after making an attempt at number 1 first?)

 

Either way, be kind to yourself. It's not you, it's her. You don't HAVE to have a toxic person in your life just because they are related to you, so if you decide the time has come to cut her off, don't feel guilty. And you don't need her. You don't. You have a husband, kids, friends who care about you... if she doesn't want to be one of those people, it's her problem and her loss and maybe it has something to do with the way SHE was raised... but if it was, the cycle ends with you. You will be a better mom than your mom was/is.

 

My relationship with mine has always been on her terms, and in adulthood that meant periods of no contact. I set boundaries, and when she tramped over them, I cut things off even to the point of blocking her calls. Dad was an enabler, so that meant no contact with him even though he was a decent man overall and was privately very understanding and supportive. I won't even relate how horrible she was to him even in his last hours of life. It was a revelation several years ago to hear the term "narcissitic personality disorder." Of course I've grieved for our children because the grandparents on the other side of the family were long gone, but better distance than exposing them to that.

 

Earlier this year she entered the stage in dementia where she was denying that she had ever been married or had children, and now I hear that she barely speaks, so the trouble is effectively over. Sad, isn't it?

[kchara]

Thank you all for your heartfelt replies and :grouphug:. DH made me go to bed last night. LOL I haven't been sleeping hardly at all lately. Thank you all so much for your words. :) I, too, think my mother is probably borderline, narcissistic. Getting her to a doctor who will actually evaluate her, that's another issue.

 

Yes, it was like this growing up. I've never been able to be "enough." Good enough, smart enough, athletic enough. My brother is definitely her golden child.

 

I think part of her issue is that she doesn't like me, but she wants to have complete control over me/my family/especially my children at the same time. If she would just leave us alone, I don't think it would be a deal. But she won't. I think I might have to cut her off again. I guess I keep hoping that it will change, and it never does. I probably need some pretty good therapy myself. I could give you an entire book of stories of her insanity. I guess, everything taken one by one, it's not a big deal. But throwing it all together into a lifetime pattern... it's overwhelming.

 

I'm thinking I'm done. I'm considering having DH change my phone number tomorrow, but my SIL is pregnant, and I'm expecting a text when the baby is born. ;) I don't want to forget to give it to her, BUT... I don't want them giving it to Mom, either.

 

((sigh)) Lots of things to think and pray through this morning.

[cin]

Unfortunately, there is no law that requires parents to be mentally healthy before they have kids or grandkids. They are both passed away now, and quite frankly it is a relief.

 

Both of my parents are gone too. And quite honestly, I am glad my mom passed before we adopted. First off, I couldn't 'have children'. That was a HUGE disappointment to her. I'm not sure if she was sympathetic, but I know she was disappointed to not have grandchildren. And DH and I both are not sure we'd be raising our kids 'right' (whatever 'right' is).

 

You guys talk about cutting them off, and I would probably have attempted that, but I am an only child. And mom had few friends. And was sick. And was in the hospital/nursing home frequently during her last 3 years. And needed lots of home care when she was home. I would have SO been in the doghouse with EVERYBODY in my family. But we didn't have kids at the time so I could pretty much be a duck. And there was nobody else to poison.

[Anita in NC]

Try reading this:

 

http://www.amazon.com/Will-Ever-Good-Enough-Narcissistic/dp/1439129436/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1303657810&sr=1-1

 

I found it a very useful book when having to deal with my own mother.

[kchara]

Thank you! I've added that to my amazon wishlist. :001_smile:

[Night Elf]

The problem is, I absolutely crave a decent mother/daughter relationship.

 

:grouphug: And herein lies your problem. You are expecting more than she is willing to give. This is something you're likely going to have to mourn, accept, and move on from. It bites, I know. You just can't change people. They have to want to change. Manipulating by guilt is not a true mark of change. She never wanted to change. She just wanted to pacify you and keep you hanging to continue getting whatever it is she is getting from you (something emotional). I'm sorry.

[Pax]

This book has been very helpful to me in working through some of the hurt my parents have caused me: http://www.amazon.com/Toxic-Parents-Overcoming-Hurtful-Reclaiming/dp/0553284347

 

:grouphug:

[amsunshine]

You've gotten some really excellent advice here, and recommendations of really good resources, to which I don't think I can add anything. Just :grouphug:.

[Remudamom]

Find yourself another mother. I've been blessed to have a couple of good friends that are young enough to be my dds. They have good relationships with their moms, and their moms are gracious enough to share their dds and grandchildren with me.

 

I bet at church there's some older lady who'd love to be your friend.

[Impish]

Find yourself another mother. I've been blessed to have a couple of good friends that are young enough to be my dds. They have good relationships with their moms, and their moms are gracious enough to share their dds and grandchildren with me.

 

I bet at church there's some older lady who'd love to be your friend.

I was 'adopted' by a woman on another forum. She has no daughters, only sons, and at the time, no grandchildren. The kids call her Gramma L, and she's 'Momma L' to me. Wolf even refers to her the same way. I've been very blessed.

 

That being said...

 

My mother and I have had an incredibly difficult relationship. Honestly, that doesn't even begin to describe it. Betrayal, abuse, cruelty...the list goes on.

 

Over the last year, we have been able to form something of a positive relationship. My dad and I have become very close.

 

Problem is, I don't trust her. I don't know if I ever will. I'm trying to enjoy what is now, but I can't shake the feeling that she's going to revert to what she was before, and I'll be hurt again.

 

Friends of mine told me once that the best thing I can do for my kids is to only have ppl in their lives that respect their mother.

[dakarimom5]

This is almost my mother except that she will only have something to do with my oldest son and my daughter. We live in the same city and she mailed my middle boys' birthday cards complete with $10 checks made out to me!! For my DD she came over and brought a complete bed set for her.

 

I have cut off contact because of the blatant favoritism and her constant comments about me needing to beat my children so they will be quiet and sit still all day.

 

All of this comes as no surprise to me since I lived with my grandparents whenever my mother had a boyfriend. I was 4 the first time I told her I wasn't going with her. What is most upsetting to me is not her behavior,but the lack of older women as role models in my children's lives.