S/O respect -- Could you share any tips for how you talk to your children?

[Nestof3]

I am especially interested in people who don't have the patience of Job. :lol: What have you done to change the way you speak to/interact with your children?

 

We could all use some improvement around here, and I feel like it needs to start from the top. I would say I am much worse than dh when it comes to being snippy and snappy. I mean, I am smooth, sweet, and wonderful most of the day. But as soon as I get overwhelmed by, for example, Ben being stubborn during math or dealing with interruptions, I begin getting snippy. Sometimes it feels like a roller coaster ride around here.

 

I know that their tone and response tactics are my doing. How can I change this?

 

So, hand it to me. Don't hold back. ;)

[FrogMom5]

First of all, I prayed. A lot. Still do. I pray for patience and for God to curb my tongue. I tend to come off more blunt and harsh than I intend to so I pray for help in toning myself down.

 

Next, when I felt overwhelmed or stressed, I tell my kids. Then I get a drink of water or spend a few minutes in my room, by myself. I take a lot of deep breaths too.

 

It took a while but I am much better at not snapping at the kids when I feel a lot of stress. Oh, sometimes I ask for hugs. That works really well. It melts the stress and irritation.

 

I do think a lot about how my behavior is a model to my children. How what I say and do affects them. My mother screamed at us over things that weren't even related to us. While I've never done that, I remember how much what I say and do can hurt my children. That tempers me a lot.

Denise

[FrogMom5]

When I do answer in a tone that is too sharp or harsh, I apologize. It's the right thing to do and shows my kids that we all make mistakes. And yes, I accept their apologies when they make mistakes too. We all need forgiveness.

Denise

[kamom]

Something that has really helped me, is to make a great effort in lowering my tone when I get stressed. This in turn helps me watch what I say. It tends to come out sounding a lot better if my voice is quiet and I feel much more in control.

 

I'm a very emotional person with high ups and downs, so this has been very needful for me.

[BMW]

Like Frogmom, I've prayed and apologized. Often. But, then it seemed that I would still have the habit of sharp or biting answers to the kids. One day my dh said that he thought that the boys not talking nice to each other had to do a lot with me not talking so nice when I get frustrated. Ouch. Then another day we were out for a drive and a song came on and he said he thought of me when he heard it... the words were "My, oh my, you're so good lookin'... but who are you when I'm not lookin'..." It isn't a horrible song... too much... just the message of a man loving his woman, but wondering how she acts when he isn't around... Double ouch!

 

I felt so ashamed. I became really clear to me that in front of my husband I deal with the boys differently... I rarely lose my patience... Just as if "company" were over. But, dh travels often and it's "easier" for me to lose my patience when he isn't here for a few days.

 

Well... that's what it took! I prayed and again determined to watch, very carefully, how I spoke to the children... Whether it's an instant message, email, phone call or in the home when they are acting out. I cannot say that I have perfected this... but, I can say that I have really improved. I don't want to be that person. Plus, I really want a good, solid relationship with all the kids. They lose respect for me when I react wrongly. I am currently being blessed by much closer relationships with all of them. I spend more time looking for words I can say to each of them that encourage and build them up. Ephesians 4: 29, 32. In fact, when I catch them being rude to each other, we stop and take a look at those two verses (in a positive way).

 

Gosh... this is confession time here, sure hope my words can encourage and help someone and that you all still like me! lol

[ELaurie]

Celebrate Calm, a website that was recommended by someone on these boards.

 

I bought them at a huge discount when they offered a sale after the holidays (join their email list for to get the sale offers) and they really will work with you on pricing if cost is a factor. The radio broadcasts are free, and the workshops are free if the Martins come to your area. My dc love listening to the Straight Talk for Kids CD.

[Karen in CO]

During school time, I keep a big cup of coffee with me so that I can take a couple of drinks of it before I respond.

 

With my littlest, who is either sweet or stormy with no in-between states, I get down on her level and wait for her to finish her storm, then give her a hug before I say anything to her.

 

I try to remember that this moment right now is their childhood; it will become a part of who they are in the future.

 

I apologize when I'm wrong.

 

When I think they are being unreasonable, I ask them, "What is it you want from this situation?" Often, they have a pretty good idea of how we can fix whatever problem we are having. I listen to their wants then tell them mine. We can usually find common ground.

[BMW]

Karen, each thing you wrote speaks to me, thanks!!! I just love the question, "What is it you want from this situation?" That could definitely fit into some of my conversations with these boys! It also helps them think through solutions, which is very good for them. So glad you shared!

[tammyw]

I can definitely be snappy and rude, and I hate it. It's the thing I'm constantly trying to work on. Sometimes it helps me to review books like "Children Learn What They Live" - it serves as a good reminder. I definitely try to apologize when I've been snappy and explain why it's not the right way to behave. Sometimes I try to remind myself that if I was speaking with a friend, I wouldn't have used a tone I just used with the children.

[Plucky]

I sent you a pm.

[Barry Goldwater]

Judging from your OP, it might be as much about controlling the environment, to avoid things spinning out of control...for example, interruptions. My dear wife does not tolerate them during school time. The phone is off. Unannounced visitors, even family, are summarily dismissed (they've learned not to bother now). Distractions are removed. This has helped a lot. She's not inflexible, but when it's business-time, it's business-time.

 

We've used a lot of 'please' and 'thank-you' with our kids, to good effect. No name calling. And limited the sarcasm as much as possible (oh, it's soooooo hard...). They catch more than we teach.

 

Finally we never are dismissive of their desire to express themselves. They might wait their turn to avoid interrupting conversation, but we strive to pause and say, 'okay, what do you want to say? :)'

 

Believe me, our kids are far from perfect, but these habits have helped to keep things reasonably pleasant at home. :)

[MamaSheep]

When ds was four he was...exasperating. This is an understatement. He was almost incessantly defiant and frequently illogical in spite of clearly being a very bright child. He'd figured out reading on his own when he was three, but had yet to grasp the concept that poop was supposed to go in the toilet--at age four. He would absolutely flip out if he got anything sticky on his hands, or even thought he might have. He would start conversations in the middle and just assume that I knew exactly what he was talking about and then get angry when I asked what on earth he was referring to. And he had real problems with the concept of pants. We had many arguments about why he had to wear pants in public. At the time he had not been diagnosed, and in retrospect, knowing what I know now, a lot of what he did makes sense. At the time, though, it was almost more than a mom could cope with. All day. Every day.

 

One day, when I was on the brink of a nervous break down, after I finally got him settled doing something for a few minutes besides riding my absolute last shred of my last nerve (I don't think he was wearing pants at the time--sometimes you have to pick your hill to die on) I remarked to myself (I talk to myself a lot; these days I call it a parent-teacher conference, but back then it was just a last gasp at maintaining some semblance of sanity) that it was like living with someone who came from a completely different planet. And not like a CHILD from another planet either, it was like living with a fully grown adult person from another planet, complete with a fully developed set of ingrained social customs and basic underlying assumptions about how the world works. They just weren't the SAME customs and assumptions that we Earthlings operate under.

 

So I decided to play a little game. Not out loud, or in public, and I didn't tell anyone else about it, I just played this little game inside my own skull. I decided that I didn't want to be the angry mom I was turning into, and I didn't have to let his defiance determine how I would respond to him. I was a grown-up, and I needed to act like one. I decided that I would pretend (not for real, just as a game, you understand, to help me through those tough moments with that boy) that he was an abassador from another planet who had come here to observe Earth culture. I pretended I had been selected as his Earth ambassador who was supposed to educate him about how things are done on Earth and help him adapt to Earth culture and customs. He had taken the form of a human child so as to be unobtrusive in his observations, but he was really an adult who was accustomed to being in a position of authority on his home planet, and I was expected, as the official representative of Planet Earth, to make a good impression on The Ambassador. Now, if he WERE really an alien ambassador, I would want to speak to him in calm tones and explain new things to him respectfully. I would not expect him to pick up on obvious information from his surroundings (like the fact that everyone else is wearing pants!) because he might not think to notice things that were very different from his planet (where obviously nobody has even heard of pants and would stridently object to wearing them if they had).

 

After that, when he would do some weird thing I would take a deep breath and begin my response in my head with "Well, Mr. Ambassador, on Earth..." and then say the rest of whatever it was aloud to my son. "Wearing pants is an important social custom. It shows that we respect ourselves and other people. If we do not wear pants in public places, other people will be embarrassed. It is considered very rude and unkind to embarrass other people when you could do something simple to avoid it. Like wearing pants in public places." Or, [My dear Mr. Ambassador] "I need you to tell me what you mean. I cannot 'hear' what you already said in your own mind" [like they can on YOUR planet], so I need you to say those parts out loud, or I don't know about them."

 

All of which is to say, I practiced speaking to my children in the same way I would speak to a respected adult in the same situation (with minor edits in my own mind for my own amusement and mental health). It has made a HUGE difference in our relationship. And you'll be happy to know that he now habitually wears pants (everywhere except in the privacy of his own room--but every ambassador needs a little piece of home soil where he can just be himself, right?). And he has also decided to use the toilet appropriately.

[LostSurprise]

I love what Amy had to say.

 

I used to think I was a patient person...then I had children. It's been a very enlightening 12 years to say the least.

 

What helps me is a combination of organization/reorganization/scheduling/rescheduling, listening to the child, and forcing time into the conversation (send child to room, lock myself in bathroom, count to 50, scream, come out, be as impartial as possible).

 

If I slow things down and make a working schedule, most problems are avoided.

If I slow down my reaction (either by counting to 10 or sending everyone to different rooms for a breather) and refuse to take part in a cycle of emotion, many fights are avoided.

If I try to listen impartially, always struggling to see their point of view, some of my 'unfairness' is avoided.

[MelanieM]

So I decided to play a little game. Not out loud, or in public, and I didn't tell anyone else about it, I just played this little game inside my own skull. I decided that I didn't want to be the angry mom I was turning into, and I didn't have to let his defiance determine how I would respond to him. I was a grown-up, and I needed to act like one. I decided that I would pretend (not for real, just as a game, you understand, to help me through those tough moments with that boy) that he was an abassador from another planet who had come here to observe Earth culture. I pretended I had been selected as his Earth ambassador who was supposed to educate him about how things are done on Earth and help him adapt to Earth culture and customs. He had taken the form of a human child so as to be unobtrusive in his observations, but he was really an adult who was accustomed to being in a position of authority on his home planet, and I was expected, as the official representative of Planet Earth, to make a good impression on The Ambassador. Now, if he WERE really an alien ambassador, I would want to speak to him in calm tones and explain new things to him respectfully. I would not expect him to pick up on obvious information from his surroundings (like the fact that everyone else is wearing pants!) because he might not think to notice things that were very different from his planet (where obviously nobody has even heard of pants and would stridently object to wearing them if they had).

 

After that, when he would do some weird thing I would take a deep breath and begin my response in my head with "Well, Mr. Ambassador, on Earth..." and then say the rest of whatever it was aloud to my son. "Wearing pants is an important social custom. It shows that we respect ourselves and other people. If we do not wear pants in public places, other people will be embarrassed. It is considered very rude and unkind to embarrass other people when you could do something simple to avoid it. Like wearing pants in public places." Or, [My dear Mr. Ambassador] "I need you to tell me what you mean. I cannot 'hear' what you already said in your own mind" [like they can on YOUR planet], so I need you to say those parts out loud, or I don't know about them."

 

All of which is to say, I practiced speaking to my children in the same way I would speak to a respected adult in the same situation (with minor edits in my own mind for my own amusement and mental health). It has made a HUGE difference in our relationship. And you'll be happy to know that he now habitually wears pants (everywhere except in the privacy of his own room--but every ambassador needs a little piece of home soil where he can just be himself, right?). And he has also decided to use the toilet appropriately.

 

Brilliant! I just love this so much!!! :D

[justamouse]

As I read through the Charlotte Mason books I made more of a direct decision to change the way I interacted with them. Sadly, I have very few good examples of mothering. I'm totally self taught and making tons of mistakes. :D I apologize all the time. Basically I made the choice to treat them as people, and not children. And a lot of the other posters had great helpful hints, too.

 

I also make it a point to really hug and kiss each one of them, every day. I became more touchy-which is huge for me because I had reached a point where I had become touched out.

 

I have to say, over the years it totally changed the atmosphere of our house.

Edited March 29, 2011 by justamouse

[mytwomonkeys]

When ds was four he was...exasperating. This is an understatement. He was almost incessantly defiant and frequently illogical in spite of clearly being a very bright child. He'd figured out reading on his own when he was three, but had yet to grasp the concept that poop was supposed to go in the toilet--at age four. He would absolutely flip out if he got anything sticky on his hands, or even thought he might have. He would start conversations in the middle and just assume that I knew exactly what he was talking about and then get angry when I asked what on earth he was referring to. And he had real problems with the concept of pants. We had many arguments about why he had to wear pants in public. At the time he had not been diagnosed, and in retrospect, knowing what I know now, a lot of what he did makes sense. At the time, though, it was almost more than a mom could cope with. All day. Every day.

 

One day, when I was on the brink of a nervous break down, after I finally got him settled doing something for a few minutes besides riding my absolute last shred of my last nerve (I don't think he was wearing pants at the time--sometimes you have to pick your hill to die on) I remarked to myself (I talk to myself a lot; these days I call it a parent-teacher conference, but back then it was just a last gasp at maintaining some semblance of sanity) that it was like living with someone who came from a completely different planet. And not like a CHILD from another planet either, it was like living with a fully grown adult person from another planet, complete with a fully developed set of ingrained social customs and basic underlying assumptions about how the world works. They just weren't the SAME customs and assumptions that we Earthlings operate under.

 

So I decided to play a little game. Not out loud, or in public, and I didn't tell anyone else about it, I just played this little game inside my own skull. I decided that I didn't want to be the angry mom I was turning into, and I didn't have to let his defiance determine how I would respond to him. I was a grown-up, and I needed to act like one. I decided that I would pretend (not for real, just as a game, you understand, to help me through those tough moments with that boy) that he was an abassador from another planet who had come here to observe Earth culture. I pretended I had been selected as his Earth ambassador who was supposed to educate him about how things are done on Earth and help him adapt to Earth culture and customs. He had taken the form of a human child so as to be unobtrusive in his observations, but he was really an adult who was accustomed to being in a position of authority on his home planet, and I was expected, as the official representative of Planet Earth, to make a good impression on The Ambassador. Now, if he WERE really an alien ambassador, I would want to speak to him in calm tones and explain new things to him respectfully. I would not expect him to pick up on obvious information from his surroundings (like the fact that everyone else is wearing pants!) because he might not think to notice things that were very different from his planet (where obviously nobody has even heard of pants and would stridently object to wearing them if they had).

 

After that, when he would do some weird thing I would take a deep breath and begin my response in my head with "Well, Mr. Ambassador, on Earth..." and then say the rest of whatever it was aloud to my son. "Wearing pants is an important social custom. It shows that we respect ourselves and other people. If we do not wear pants in public places, other people will be embarrassed. It is considered very rude and unkind to embarrass other people when you could do something simple to avoid it. Like wearing pants in public places." Or, [My dear Mr. Ambassador] "I need you to tell me what you mean. I cannot 'hear' what you already said in your own mind" [like they can on YOUR planet], so I need you to say those parts out loud, or I don't know about them."

 

All of which is to say, I practiced speaking to my children in the same way I would speak to a respected adult in the same situation (with minor edits in my own mind for my own amusement and mental health). It has made a HUGE difference in our relationship. And you'll be happy to know that he now habitually wears pants (everywhere except in the privacy of his own room--but every ambassador needs a little piece of home soil where he can just be himself, right?). And he has also decided to use the toilet appropriately.

 

favorite thing i've read today!:D excellent advice.

[simka2]

What has helped me the most is being consistently, honestly, apologetic when I miss the mark. If I snap or speak harshly (and I'm obviously taking out my stress load on them) I need to apologize. Having to honestly humble myself in front of them has proven to be a better deterent than anything else I have come up with. Not in a, "I am so awful" tone, but the simple, "Mom was wrong to speak to you like that. I'm sorry. I am letting my stress get the better of me."

 

It's not really fun to publicly acknowledge my shortcomings, but eventually it allows us to spread a lot more grace to one another.

[JadeOrchidSong]

Like Frogmom, I've prayed and apologized. Often. But, then it seemed that I would still have the habit of sharp or biting answers to the kids. One day my dh said that he thought that the boys not talking nice to each other had to do a lot with me not talking so nice when I get frustrated. Ouch. Then another day we were out for a drive and a song came on and he said he thought of me when he heard it... the words were "My, oh my, you're so good lookin'... but who are you when I'm not lookin'..." It isn't a horrible song... too much... just the message of a man loving his woman, but wondering how she acts when he isn't around... Double ouch!

 

I felt so ashamed. I became really clear to me that in front of my husband I deal with the boys differently... I rarely lose my patience... Just as if "company" were over. But, dh travels often and it's "easier" for me to lose my patience when he isn't here for a few days.

 

Well... that's what it took! I prayed and again determined to watch, very carefully, how I spoke to the children... Whether it's an instant message, email, phone call or in the home when they are acting out. I cannot say that I have perfected this... but, I can say that I have really improved. I don't want to be that person. Plus, I really want a good, solid relationship with all the kids. They lose respect for me when I react wrongly. I am currently being blessed by much closer relationships with all of them. I spend more time looking for words I can say to each of them that encourage and build them up. Ephesians 4: 29, 32. In fact, when I catch them being rude to each other, we stop and take a look at those two verses (in a positive way).

 

Gosh... this is confession time here, sure hope my words can encourage and help someone and that you all still like me! lol

I can relate to this. I usually talk to my kids in a calmer tone when dh is around because dh cannot tolerate my agitated tone. So same confess from another mom. I really need to change. I also believe that my kids talk to each other in a snappy way because of me. I am so ashamed. Thank you for this post. It really makes me think I do really need to pray and change my way of talking to my kids.

[Ester Maria]

I handled it the way DH handled me. ;)

 

I used to be quite fiery in my twenties, and DH is such an incredibly CALM man. He would sit still and let me rant / yell / whatever, with this ironic semi-smile, nodding his head with a bunch of "si"s and "certo"s, but not really discussing things with me until I calm down. After the tempest, we would either both start laughing at some point and forget about the thing, either he would just hug me and start talking to me calmly, closely, in a quiet voice, about whatever was troubling me.

 

I applied the same principle to my kids: niente discussing things with somebody who is going through a tempest, niente talking, emotion validation, anything. Ignore - gently, but ignore. Talk ONLY to a calm person.

After the tempest, when you do talk, behave as though there was no tempest to begin with - as though you were talking to a perfectly rational being (obviously, this depends on kid's age, but you can tweak the content for most kids old enough to explode over stuff). Calm, soft voice and all. The most important thing is NOT to let the kid draw you into her tempest - and manipulative as they are, most kids are actively looking for that. You do NOT want that, or you will have two irrational persons in a tempest snapping at each other - the goal is to have two calm persons somehow willing to address what is happening.

 

Laughing helps to break the tensions. Practice it a lot, and practice "timing" that laughter when it is going to have the best effect.

Not addressing the fact there was a storm also helps. It does not embarrass the child, but constant ignoring leads to them being rare.

 

In a particularly bad and violent storm, a potentially dangerous one, when you have to snap the kid out of it, do it by hugging them. No talking until they chill, just physical affection to show that you care.

 

If a tempest is combined with particular brattiness, rudeness, out of line comments, etc., to the point that it becomes a serious attitude and respect issue rather than just a minor crisis, and when you feel you need to put the kid back to its place, choose a few carefully measured words, still in a calm and quiet, but sharp tone (niente sweetness in the tone now), physically close to them, that might affect them. You basically want to slap the (older) kid verbally, which they sometimes need depending on age and situation - but generally avoid reacting to the tempest, unless in situations where you cannot not react.

 

Regular frustrations and brattiness with schoolwork and alike, ignooooore and assume a no-nonsense approach. DO consider, privately in your head, whether your expectations are out of line or a kid is bratty because they are not well fed or has not slept enough, but just leave them alone to do it. If they do not, send them back to do it. Niente validating emotions, giving in, talking about how hard it must be for them to concentrate five minutes on a freaking math problem, or anything like that. No-nonsense, the less you make it an issue, the less of an issue it will be.

 

When you DO snap, you will probably receive the same treatment from your kids :lol: ("si"s with smiling, and then actually talking to you about it later), but it is still nice to apologize afterward.

 

One thing which significantly diminishes frustrations and brattiness is the lack of refined sugar, everybody getting a good sleep (it's INCREDIBLE how those physiological stuff affect behavior) no distractions while studying, some kind of structure of the day (extremely important), talking to kids about their behaviors IN HINDSIGHT (not even directly after, you want the strong emotions out of it) when everybody is calm, and reciting Aeneas is your mind a lot of times (my substitute for count to 50 LOL).

[Gratia271]

I apologize all the time. Basically I made the choice to treat them as people, and not children.

 

I also make it a point to really hug and kiss each one of them, every day. I became more touchy-which is huge for me because I had reached a point where I had become touched out.

 

I have to say, over the years it totally changed the atmosphere of our house.

:iagree::iagree:

Not being a particularly "emotional" person, I have made a point to show them this affection each and every day. It has a profound influence.

 

I handled it the way DH handled me. ;)

 

I used to be quite fiery in my twenties, and DH is such an incredibly CALM man. He would sit still and let me rant / yell / whatever, with this ironic semi-smile, nodding his head with a bunch of "si"s and "certo"s, but not really discussing things with me until I calm down. After the tempest, we would either both start laughing at some point and forget about the thing, either he would just hug me and start talking to me calmly, closely, in a quiet voice, about whatever was troubling me.

 

Wow! I could have written this. Same dynamic here, and it does work.

[Peela]

I know that their tone and response tactics are my doing. How can I change this?

 

 

 

I put the oxygen mask on ME first. I take care of myself- food, diet, quiet time, time outs, walks, naps, coffee with a friend, counselling, whatever it takes to bring my life into balance on any level. Then I am at my best to take care of the kids. With pms, I needed to take extra care of myself.

Now that I have stopped homeschooling and am having quite a break- I am realising what hard work homeschooling was, even when I was sitting doing not much while they were working. It's an ongoing responsibly and it's work and its exhausting month after month. Thats why we burn out and also get snippy.

[Nestof3]

Thanks, Denise

 

I am going to write notes down from this thread.

 

I do apologize when I've messed up. It's just that I'm messing up too much.

 

If I am just stressed and have taken it out on them, I make sure to tell them it had nothing to do with them.

 

I give lots of hugs and kisses.

 

First of all, I prayed. A lot. Still do. I pray for patience and for God to curb my tongue. I tend to come off more blunt and harsh than I intend to so I pray for help in toning myself down.

 

Next, when I felt overwhelmed or stressed, I tell my kids. Then I get a drink of water or spend a few minutes in my room, by myself. I take a lot of deep breaths too.

 

It took a while but I am much better at not snapping at the kids when I feel a lot of stress. Oh, sometimes I ask for hugs. That works really well. It melts the stress and irritation.

 

I do think a lot about how my behavior is a model to my children. How what I say and do affects them. My mother screamed at us over things that weren't even related to us. While I've never done that, I remember how much what I say and do can hurt my children. That tempers me a lot.

Denise

 

When I do answer in a tone that is too sharp or harsh, I apologize. It's the right thing to do and shows my kids that we all make mistakes. And yes, I accept their apologies when they make mistakes too. We all need forgiveness.

Denise

[Nestof3]

I can attest that it does help when I lower my voice/tone. It takes a very conscious effort on my part. But, that's life, right?

 

Something that has really helped me, is to make a great effort in lowering my tone when I get stressed. This in turn helps me watch what I say. It tends to come out sounding a lot better if my voice is quiet and I feel much more in control.

 

I'm a very emotional person with high ups and downs, so this has been very needful for me.

[Nestof3]

Thank you so much for revealing this. It is amazing how much control I have when my parents are around. :glare:

 

These have been great words of exhortation.

 

"My, oh my, you're so good lookin'... but who are you when I'm not lookin'..." It isn't a horrible song... too much... just the message of a man loving his woman, but wondering how she acts when he isn't around... Double ouch!

 

I felt so ashamed. I became really clear to me that in front of my husband I deal with the boys differently... I rarely lose my patience... Just as if "company" were over. But, dh travels often and it's "easier" for me to lose my patience when he isn't here for a few days.

 

Plus, I really want a good, solid relationship with all the kids. They lose respect for me when I react wrongly. I am currently being blessed by much closer relationships with all of them. I spend more time looking for words I can say to each of them that encourage and build them up. Ephesians 4: 29, 32. In fact, when I catch them being rude to each other, we stop and take a look at those two verses (in a positive way).

 

Gosh... this is confession time here, sure hope my words can encourage and help someone and that you all still like me! lol

[Nestof3]

Thank you! I will definitely be looking into that. It sounds wonderful.

 

Celebrate Calm, a website that was recommended by someone on these boards.

 

I bought them at a huge discount when they offered a sale after the holidays (join their email list for to get the sale offers) and they really will work with you on pricing if cost is a factor. The radio broadcasts are free, and the workshops are free if the Martins come to your area. My dc love listening to the Straight Talk for Kids CD.

[Nestof3]

Great reminders to be listening more. Thanks!

 

During school time, I keep a big cup of coffee with me so that I can take a couple of drinks of it before I respond.

 

With my littlest, who is either sweet or stormy with no in-between states, I get down on her level and wait for her to finish her storm, then give her a hug before I say anything to her.

 

I try to remember that this moment right now is their childhood; it will become a part of who they are in the future.

 

I apologize when I'm wrong.

 

When I think they are being unreasonable, I ask them, "What is it you want from this situation?" Often, they have a pretty good idea of how we can fix whatever problem we are having. I listen to their wants then tell them mine. We can usually find common ground.

[Nestof3]

It sounds like another great resource to look into. Thanks! :D

 

I can definitely be snappy and rude, and I hate it. It's the thing I'm constantly trying to work on. Sometimes it helps me to review books like "Children Learn What They Live" - it serves as a good reminder. I definitely try to apologize when I've been snappy and explain why it's not the right way to behave. Sometimes I try to remind myself that if I was speaking with a friend, I wouldn't have used a tone I just used with the children.

[Nestof3]

I am guilty of these vices. I have made great progress, though. Still much work to be done.

 

And again, a great reminder to be a better listener.

 

No name calling. And limited the sarcasm as much as possible (oh, it's soooooo hard...). They catch more than we teach.

 

Finally we never are dismissive of their desire to express themselves. They might wait their turn to avoid interrupting conversation, but we strive to pause and say, 'okay, what do you want to say? :)'

 

Believe me, our kids are far from perfect, but these habits have helped to keep things reasonably pleasant at home. :)

[sadiegirl]

First, I'm glad to know that there are others that deal with lack of patience and loose tongue! I always feel like such a disappointment to my kids when I let them see my frustration. I see it more with subjects that we struggle with and I also see my patience tested with my oldest son who is the opposite in personality than me. He is a more passive, less talkative individual and we seem say the same thing BUT in a different way that causes problems. My youngest son is the peace keeper that always finds a positive approach to most situations.

I appreciate those of you who have advice in this situation. I consider it a weakness for me and it would definitely be the trait that I would like to change.

[Nestof3]

Thank you so much. This is great. I have shared on here before that I've had similar exhausting issues with Ben. I am still not allowed to touch his pencil, and it needs to have the right amount of sharpness (bordering on dull).

 

I need to interrupt his bathroom experience to go, he freaks out if I have to sit on the toilet.

 

He wears flip-flops all year long and pajamas nearly every day because they are comfortable. We finally found exactly two pair of pants he will wear without complaint, and it's almost torture to get him to wear his khakis. Tennis shoes and socks are issues much of the time too.

 

I have to kiss back the same number of times he gives me air kisses.

 

If I am sitting next to him and change position, he keeps trying to reposition me until I am touching him exactly like I was before. If I put my hand on his head a certain way, he needs it to stay that way.

 

Trust me, I have had to pick my battles with him. I have let many things go. Often, I feel like he is from another planet.

 

Thank you for taking so much time to write that out! :D

 

When ds was four he was...exasperating. This is an understatement. He was almost incessantly defiant and frequently illogical in spite of clearly being a very bright child. He'd figured out reading on his own when he was three, but had yet to grasp the concept that poop was supposed to go in the toilet--at age four. He would absolutely flip out if he got anything sticky on his hands, or even thought he might have. He would start conversations in the middle and just assume that I knew exactly what he was talking about and then get angry when I asked what on earth he was referring to. And he had real problems with the concept of pants. We had many arguments about why he had to wear pants in public. At the time he had not been diagnosed, and in retrospect, knowing what I know now, a lot of what he did makes sense. At the time, though, it was almost more than a mom could cope with. All day. Every day.

 

One day, when I was on the brink of a nervous break down, after I finally got him settled doing something for a few minutes besides riding my absolute last shred of my last nerve (I don't think he was wearing pants at the time--sometimes you have to pick your hill to die on) I remarked to myself (I talk to myself a lot; these days I call it a parent-teacher conference, but back then it was just a last gasp at maintaining some semblance of sanity) that it was like living with someone who came from a completely different planet. And not like a CHILD from another planet either, it was like living with a fully grown adult person from another planet, complete with a fully developed set of ingrained social customs and basic underlying assumptions about how the world works. They just weren't the SAME customs and assumptions that we Earthlings operate under.

 

So I decided to play a little game. Not out loud, or in public, and I didn't tell anyone else about it, I just played this little game inside my own skull. I decided that I didn't want to be the angry mom I was turning into, and I didn't have to let his defiance determine how I would respond to him. I was a grown-up, and I needed to act like one. I decided that I would pretend (not for real, just as a game, you understand, to help me through those tough moments with that boy) that he was an abassador from another planet who had come here to observe Earth culture. I pretended I had been selected as his Earth ambassador who was supposed to educate him about how things are done on Earth and help him adapt to Earth culture and customs. He had taken the form of a human child so as to be unobtrusive in his observations, but he was really an adult who was accustomed to being in a position of authority on his home planet, and I was expected, as the official representative of Planet Earth, to make a good impression on The Ambassador. Now, if he WERE really an alien ambassador, I would want to speak to him in calm tones and explain new things to him respectfully. I would not expect him to pick up on obvious information from his surroundings (like the fact that everyone else is wearing pants!) because he might not think to notice things that were very different from his planet (where obviously nobody has even heard of pants and would stridently object to wearing them if they had).

 

After that, when he would do some weird thing I would take a deep breath and begin my response in my head with "Well, Mr. Ambassador, on Earth..." and then say the rest of whatever it was aloud to my son. "Wearing pants is an important social custom. It shows that we respect ourselves and other people. If we do not wear pants in public places, other people will be embarrassed. It is considered very rude and unkind to embarrass other people when you could do something simple to avoid it. Like wearing pants in public places." Or, [My dear Mr. Ambassador] "I need you to tell me what you mean. I cannot 'hear' what you already said in your own mind" [like they can on YOUR planet], so I need you to say those parts out loud, or I don't know about them."

 

All of which is to say, I practiced speaking to my children in the same way I would speak to a respected adult in the same situation (with minor edits in my own mind for my own amusement and mental health). It has made a HUGE difference in our relationship. And you'll be happy to know that he now habitually wears pants (everywhere except in the privacy of his own room--but every ambassador needs a little piece of home soil where he can just be himself, right?). And he has also decided to use the toilet appropriately.

[Nestof3]

This really speaks to me. I homeschooled our eldest from 4th through graduation. Homeschooling two is a different story, especially when they are at such different levels of learning. It has been a transition trying to schedule them the best way, and I am often feeling like Ben is lagging so far behind.

 

I have also been trying to work out daily, but I'm a night owl, so I don't get up early. I've been staying up with my dh lately watching old Murder She Wrote episodes, so it's time well-spent. I mean, we used to separate when the kids went to bed because he would want to listen to music while I would want to surf the internet or scrapbook.

 

I am rather a neat freak, so I vacuum, do laundry, and run the dishwasher daily.

 

If I slow things down and make a working schedule, most problems are avoided.

 

[Barb_]

In addition to all the other wonderful advice you've received, Dawn I'd like to point out that snapping, sarcasm, impatience, are all bad habits, not character defects. Rather than beating oneself up for the negative habit, it's better to concentrate on replacing it with a better one. Figure out what your triggers are in advance and decide how you will act ahead of time. For example, it sends me over the moon when one of my kids interrupt me with, "I KNOW, Mom" and impatiently tries to tell me what she thinks I'm going to say. The first couple of times I reacted badly, telling her to QUIET DOWN AND LET ME FINISH! But the last time it happened had already planned to stop speaking mid-sentence, allow her to finish rudely interrupting me and then let a beat or two go by before quietly saying, "That was not at all what I was about to say. If you are ready to listen, let me know." She was embarrassed and sheepish rather than angry and defensive and hasn't tried it again.

 

Sometimes at the end of the day when your patience is running thin, it's time to just take a time out. That is your spirit's way of letting you know you've had enough. It's okay to just quit for a couple of hours.

 

Barb

Edited March 30, 2011 by Barb F. PA in AZ

[Nestof3]

Yes, I remember being slapped across the face in the middle of the grocery store for sharing an opinion about something. Apparently I was very sassy, but there was also never a real outlet for open communication. I remember feeling very exasperated.

 

My mom was also always very angry because she parented alone a lot (dad was in the Navy), and when he came home, he told her point blank that he wasn't going to have us hating him when he was home so very little. So, she was always the "bad guy."

 

I have changed my view on children over the past couple of years. Of course I still think they have a different position within the family than parents do, but I have tried to be more respectful of them. Rather than cramming the first time obedience thing down their throats, for example, I have decided to look at them as people who desire respect. So, if they are watching a movie, and it's almost finished, I just let them stay up until it's over. I no longer demand they shut it off immediately.

 

I have begun asking myself how I would want to be treated by my husband. I'd absolutely hate it if he said, "Dawn, get your shoes on, we're going shopping right this minute." I am a slow adapter. I need time to resign myself to a change of plans. I expect time to finish the task I am involved in. I decided to give my children that same respect.

 

In the few times I need to say, "Boys, hop in the van, I must get to the bank before they close," they respond because they know I really mean it now.

 

I am very affectionate. I make up nicknames all the time, I sing silly songs about them to them, I hug and kiss and tell them I love them at least five times a day.

 

As I read through the Charlotte Mason books I made more of a direct decision to change the way I interacted with them. Sadly, I have very few good examples of mothering. I'm totally self taught and making tons of mistakes. :D I apologize all the time. Basically I made the choice to treat them as people, and not children. And a lot of the other posters had great helpful hints, too.

 

I also make it a point to really hug and kiss each one of them, every day. I became more touchy-which is huge for me because I had reached a point where I had become touched out.

 

I have to say, over the years it totally changed the atmosphere of our house.

[Nestof3]

You're right. When I apologize and ask forgiveness, they always say, "It's okay mom, you're still the best." I always remind them that my snapping wasn't okay but that I appreciate them forgiving me.

 

What has helped me the most is being consistently, honestly, apologetic when I miss the mark. If I snap or speak harshly (and I'm obviously taking out my stress load on them) I need to apologize. Having to honestly humble myself in front of them has proven to be a better deterent than anything else I have come up with. Not in a, "I am so awful" tone, but the simple, "Mom was wrong to speak to you like that. I'm sorry. I am letting my stress get the better of me."

 

It's not really fun to publicly acknowledge my shortcomings, but eventually it allows us to spread a lot more grace to one another.

[Barb_]

Thank you so much. This is great. I have shared on here before that I've had similar exhausting issues with Ben. I am still not allowed to touch his pencil, and it needs to have the right amount of sharpness (bordering on dull).

 

I need to interrupt his bathroom experience to go, he freaks out if I have to sit on the toilet.

 

He wears flip-flops all year long and pajamas nearly every day because they are comfortable. We finally found exactly two pair of pants he will wear without complaint, and it's almost torture to get him to wear his khakis. Tennis shoes and socks are issues much of the time too.

 

I have to kiss back the same number of times he gives me air kisses.

 

If I am sitting next to him and change position, he keeps trying to reposition me until I am touching him exactly like I was before. If I put my hand on his head a certain way, he needs it to stay that way.

 

Trust me, I have had to pick my battles with him. I have let many things go. Often, I feel like he is from another planet.

 

Thank you for taking so much time to write that out! :D

 

Dawn, would you consider seeing a therapist? Or maybe you have, I don't remember? Ben sounds as though he could benefit from OT or maybe cognitive behavioral therapy.

 

Barb

[Nestof3]

I can relate to this. I usually talk to my kids in a calmer tone when dh is around because dh cannot tolerate my agitated tone.

 

Yep, my agitated tone really rubs my husband the wrong way too.

[Barb_]

<<snipped for brevity>>

 

In the few times I need to say, "Boys, hop in the van, I must get to the bank before they close," they respond because they know I really mean it now.

 

I am very affectionate. I make up nicknames all the time, I sing silly songs about them to them, I hug and kiss and tell them I love them at least five times a day.

 

We can all stand to improve, but it sounds as though you are already doing a terrific job.

[Nestof3]

Great advice. I know you are right on this. I allow myself to be pulled in far too much. I also find myself responding with agitation simply because they are agitated.

 

On the few occasions I remained calm, I saw it died down so much faster. Just today, I went back to help Nathan with a correction. He began waving the paper with great frustration in my face, and he was speaking too loudly at me. I calmly said, "I would love to help you, but I refuse to respond to you with you're yelling at me and being angry with me."

 

He calmed, and I helped :D

 

******************************

 

You're right that laughing helps. So does acting silly. I have had to train myself in this, though. Sometimes when I see Ben starting to get agitated, I make a silly face, or I speak in a silly accent and say something encouraging or sort of threatening in a playful way (like, "You'd better focus on that math, or it's off with your hear" -- but I use the Alice in Wonderland voice). The frustration dispels, and all is well.

 

I have also noticed that smiling (even when it's the last thing I want to do) helps a lot.

 

Ben and Nathan are high-strung like I am. It really takes a lot of effort to calm everyone, including myself. ;)

 

I've also made our reading time an enjoyable time in that we read on the couch, the boys get their blankets and a snack. The cat curls up with us, and I put on my awesome narrator voice. At least they look forward to part of school though they both still hate math. LOL

 

I handled it the way DH handled me. ;)

 

I used to be quite fiery in my twenties, and DH is such an incredibly CALM man. He would sit still and let me rant / yell / whatever, with this ironic semi-smile, nodding his head with a bunch of "si"s and "certo"s, but not really discussing things with me until I calm down. After the tempest, we would either both start laughing at some point and forget about the thing, either he would just hug me and start talking to me calmly, closely, in a quiet voice, about whatever was troubling me.

 

I applied the same principle to my kids: niente discussing things with somebody who is going through a tempest, niente talking, emotion validation, anything. Ignore - gently, but ignore. Talk ONLY to a calm person.

After the tempest, when you do talk, behave as though there was no tempest to begin with - as though you were talking to a perfectly rational being (obviously, this depends on kid's age, but you can tweak the content for most kids old enough to explode over stuff). Calm, soft voice and all. The most important thing is NOT to let the kid draw you into her tempest - and manipulative as they are, most kids are actively looking for that. You do NOT want that, or you will have two irrational persons in a tempest snapping at each other - the goal is to have two calm persons somehow willing to address what is happening.

 

Laughing helps to break the tensions. Practice it a lot, and practice "timing" that laughter when it is going to have the best effect.

Not addressing the fact there was a storm also helps. It does not embarrass the child, but constant ignoring leads to them being rare.

 

In a particularly bad and violent storm, a potentially dangerous one, when you have to snap the kid out of it, do it by hugging them. No talking until they chill, just physical affection to show that you care.

 

If a tempest is combined with particular brattiness, rudeness, out of line comments, etc., to the point that it becomes a serious attitude and respect issue rather than just a minor crisis, and when you feel you need to put the kid back to its place, choose a few carefully measured words, still in a calm and quiet, but sharp tone (niente sweetness in the tone now), physically close to them, that might affect them. You basically want to slap the (older) kid verbally, which they sometimes need depending on age and situation - but generally avoid reacting to the tempest, unless in situations where you cannot not react.

 

Regular frustrations and brattiness with schoolwork and alike, ignooooore and assume a no-nonsense approach. DO consider, privately in your head, whether your expectations are out of line or a kid is bratty because they are not well fed or has not slept enough, but just leave them alone to do it. If they do not, send them back to do it. Niente validating emotions, giving in, talking about how hard it must be for them to concentrate five minutes on a freaking math problem, or anything like that. No-nonsense, the less you make it an issue, the less of an issue it will be.

 

When you DO snap, you will probably receive the same treatment from your kids :lol: ("si"s with smiling, and then actually talking to you about it later), but it is still nice to apologize afterward.

 

One thing which significantly diminishes frustrations and brattiness is the lack of refined sugar, everybody getting a good sleep (it's INCREDIBLE how those physiological stuff affect behavior) no distractions while studying, some kind of structure of the day (extremely important), talking to kids about their behaviors IN HINDSIGHT (not even directly after, you want the strong emotions out of it) when everybody is calm, and reciting Aeneas is your mind a lot of times (my substitute for count to 50 LOL).

[LibraryLover]

I can't answer without an example. ;) lol My mother thinks I am a very patient person, but I often feel I could do better.

 

I am not a yeller, but I am not always as patient as I would like to be. I don't punish, and I think I understand my children, but I am not sure what you're specifically asking about. :)

[Nestof3]

Thanks, Peela. I have been working on that (I hate even using that word). I have been walking while watching a movie (which I love doing). I have added supplements based on what I have been lacking from my food sources.

 

You're right. Being home with the boys all day every day takes its toll. At the same time, I don't want it any other way.

 

I think what I am lacking is time with friends. I have very few, and the few times lately I've had a chance to meet up with the local homeschooling moms, I was just too tired to go or my dh got home from work too late, and I felt I needed to stay home to help out. He's been working long hours.

 

I put the oxygen mask on ME first. I take care of myself- food, diet, quiet time, time outs, walks, naps, coffee with a friend, counselling, whatever it takes to bring my life into balance on any level. Then I am at my best to take care of the kids. With pms, I needed to take extra care of myself.

Now that I have stopped homeschooling and am having quite a break- I am realising what hard work homeschooling was, even when I was sitting doing not much while they were working. It's an ongoing responsibly and it's work and its exhausting month after month. Thats why we burn out and also get snippy.

[Nestof3]

Yes, it is truly shame on me that I get frustrated when one of the boys does poorly on something or doesn't understand something. I feel this pressure to get done, and it's like their not understanding is just getting in the way.

 

I know how completely ridiculous it is. I hate even admitting that it happens. Of course their not understanding is not a problem, it's the very reason I am teaching them.

 

ugh

 

First, I'm glad to know that there are others that deal with lack of patience and loose tongue! I always feel like such a disappointment to my kids when I let them see my frustration. I see it more with subjects that we struggle with and I also see my patience tested with my oldest son who is the opposite in personality than me. He is a more passive, less talkative individual and we seem say the same thing BUT in a different way that causes problems. My youngest son is the peace keeper that always finds a positive approach to most situations.

I appreciate those of you who have advice in this situation. I consider it a weakness for me and it would definitely be the trait that I would like to change.

[Nestof3]

Thanks, Barb.

 

You're right that there are attitudes and responses I have come to expect from them. It's a good idea to ponder how I am going to respond when it happens.

 

I used to argue back and forth about certain things -- like why the boys have to do math when they are never going to be math teachers. I finally decided I wasn't arguing about it anymore. When they protest, it's a simple, "Do your math." Tonight Ben calmly told me that he was overwhelmed -- that he didn't have a good life and that I wouldn't understand because I was an adult. I reassured him I remember what it was like to be a child and asked him to tell me one thing that is bad. He said, "Now don't argue with me and tell me I shouldn't feel this way." I agreed to just let him tell me how he feels. He said, "Math."

 

Now, it's funny because they both do fine in math. They just don't like it because it's boring. LOL

 

I just said, "Okay -- I get it, you don't like math. It's okay for you to feel that way." He then asked, "But why do I have to do it?" I finally just said, "Because law says I have to teach you math, and I would lose my right to homeschool if I didn't." He was finally satisfied. My dh added, "But, she'd teach you math anyway." And we all laughed.

 

In addition to all the other wonderful advice you've received, Dawn I'd like to point out that snapping, sarcasm, impatience, are all bad habits, not character defects. Rather than beating oneself up for the negative habit, it's better to concentrate on replacing it with a better one. Figure out what your triggers are in advance and decide how you will act ahead of time. For example, it sends me over the moon when one of my kids interrupt me with, "I KNOW, Mom" and impatiently tries to tell me what she thinks I'm going to say. The first couple of times I reacted badly, telling her to QUIET DOWN AND LET ME FINISH! But the last time it happened had already planned to stop speaking mid-sentence, allow her to finish rudely interrupting me and then let a beat or two go by before quietly saying, "That was not at all what I was about to say. If you are ready to listen, let me know." She was embarrassed and sheepish rather than angry and defensive and hasn't tried it again.

 

Sometimes at the end of the day when your patience is running thin, it's time to just take a time out. That is your spirit's way of letting you know you've had enough. It's okay to just quit for a couple of hours.

 

Barb

[Nestof3]

I have considered it, but always just put it off because he's gotten better over time. Perhaps I do need to pursue it. It's just been so hard to decide if it is necessary.

 

Dawn, would you consider seeing a therapist? Or maybe you have, I don't remember? Ben sounds as though he could benefit from OT or maybe cognitive behavioral therapy.

 

Barb

[Nestof3]

We can all stand to improve, but it sounds as though you are already doing a terrific job.

 

Part of the time, yes. Then I scream. ugh

 

I am taking this thread very seriously. Believe me, I have improved a lot. Would you believe I threw my husband's dinner plate (with food on it) out onto the driveway in the early years? I also threw my wedding ring.

 

I haven't thrown anything in years.

 

I know I can grow up in this as well. I have come so far, but it's time to go farther. I love my boys like CRAZY. They really are the best.

[MamaSheep]

I have considered it, but always just put it off because he's gotten better over time. Perhaps I do need to pursue it. It's just been so hard to decide if it is necessary.

 

It might not be a bad idea. My ds's tactile issues got a LOT better after a little OT. I discovered the other day that he doesn't even remember the days (when he was four--it has become a year from which I measure our progres..lol) when I had to carry size XXS purple rubber gloves and individually wrapped wet-wipes in my purse in case of catastrophic contact with....well, pretty much anything. And he's not nearly as picky about clothes anymore (which is not to say he isn't picky--long sleeves, soft fabric and absolutely NO words or pictures).

Edited March 30, 2011 by MamaSheep

[Barb_]

I have considered it, but always just put it off because he's gotten better over time. Perhaps I do need to pursue it. It's just been so hard to decide if it is necessary.

 

:grouphug: I know. My oldest probably should have gone. She sounds very much like Ben. She is in college now and excelling academically but still struggling personally. She has come so far on her own and I respect her so much for it, but even she knows she is going to have to go for a diagnosis and therapy as soon as she graduates. She is in so much pain and has caused a lot of pain over the years on and off to those who love her. Life is more difficult for children like ours and I regret not finding support for her earlier.

 

Barb

[3lilreds in NC]

When I do answer in a tone that is too sharp or harsh, I apologize. It's the right thing to do and shows my kids that we all make mistakes. And yes, I accept their apologies when they make mistakes too. We all need forgiveness.

Denise

 

This is something I do too. I make lots of mistakes and I do tell them I am sorry. I wish I could make myself over into the perfectly calm, always loving, appropriately disciplining mom, but I'm not. One thing I never got growing up was an apology. It's really important to me that I apologize to my kids. (CC - the Holy Spirit is always working on me, and I've proved to myself over and over that I can't do it myself - but I like to try. It's always fun when I get to stop beating my head against that wall. :D)

 

Another thing I do is make a decision, when I'm not in the midst of a stressful situation, to make a change. For example, my younger dd is very dramatic and emotional, and she can really make me crazy. I was struggling with her for quite a while (I won't say I don't still, sometimes) and it got to the point that I really did not like being around her at all. This is a slight problem when one is homeschooling. ;) When I visited my sister, she said she could tell this child irritated me, and basically told me to put on my big girl pants and be the adult. (I love my sister.) I knew she was right. So, instead of being instantly irritated with the drama I tried to pay attention to what was happening. I do tell her when I think her reactions are over the top, and I'm honest when I'm having a hard time understanding what is going on. I will say that the drama has been greatly reduced, and I am SO THANKFUL.

 

One example: She'd recently started singing with a choir, and did NOT want to continue, but dh and I both felt strongly that she needed to do so. Instead of getting angry with her ridiculous dramatics, I looked for ways to help her feel better about going. I ended up sitting with her for 2 sessions and singing with her, which helped her a lot (she doesn't read music yet). We brought her music home and practiced it together and that helped her catch up in memorizing the words. Then I sat with her a couple of times without singing, and now I don't have to sit in there.

 

A huge thing I've done is give up drinking Diet Coke. I was drinking an excessive amount and it makes me a lot more irritable. I confess that I'm drinking it again right now because I gave up Facebook for Lent and was finding it very difficult to give them both up at the same time, and I can tell that I'm getting irritable again. Tomorrow will be a day of green tea and water.

 

All this to say - making changes in this area of my life has been HARD. I think it's important to: (1) try to figure out, specifically, what is irritating you and (2) make a specific plan of action for how you're going to change your reaction. (By "you," I mean, "me." Heh.) I'm still pretty new at working through things this way, but I like the results so far.

[Rosie_0801]

I think what I am lacking is time with friends. I have very few, and the few times lately I've had a chance to meet up with the local homeschooling moms, I was just too tired to go or my dh got home from work too late, and I felt I needed to stay home to help out. He's been working long hours.

 

Did you ask if he needed you to stay home? Don't assume. For all you know, he'll look at you as if you have two heads for even suggesting it, and shunt you out the door.

 

:grouphug:

Rosie

[Nestof3]

Did you ask if he needed you to stay home? Don't assume. For all you know, he'll look at you as if you have two heads for even suggesting it, and shunt you out the door.

 

:grouphug:

Rosie

 

He would have told me to go. He loves it when I get a chance to hang out with friends. In fact, he loves me to choose anything that makes me happy.

 

I just felt like it would be better to get the kids in bed and such. I know -- it's me. Plus, dinner was late, and I felt rushed.

[eternalknot]

I am especially interested in people who don't have the patience of Job. :lol: What have you done to change the way you speak to/interact with your children?

 

 

 

I'm not particularly patient. I grew up in a large family so over time I learned certain skills (which is how I know it's do-able!) but my natural inclination is towards impatience.

 

What keeps me working hard at watching how I speak to my kids is this -- overhearing my son speak to his little sister almost verbatim the way I tend to speak to him when I lose my cool. It takes me awhile to get to my boiling point, but once I do - watch out, folks. There's no middle ground, I'm either hot ... or not. That made me stand up straight; it made me realize that this was training for how he'd eventually be speaking to his own kids. MY GRANDKIDS!!! No, no, no, no, no. I can't have that. I have to set good examples for them to follow, so they'll follow them through in their relationship with each other, their spouses, their friends, and their children. In short, people who matter. And heck, even people who don't matter.

 

Setting a good example, to me, means acknowledging when I over-react and taking immediate steps to rectify the situation. It means keeping honest with my kids about how I'm a work in progress, and like them - I'll have bad days, but what counts are overall patterns of behavior. I allow them to have bad days; and as their mother, particularly as one who homeschools and is around them so often, I know when it's truly a BAD DAY and when it's just attitude. I take time outs when I need them, and I announce them to the kids: "Y'all are driving me up a wall sideways, and I'm going to take 10 minutes to sit in the bathroom and try to calm down before we finish addressing this. When I come back, be prepared to calmly discuss this." And I do it.

 

Part of telling them I'm a work in progress is to show them what I'm doing as part of that work -- and detailing it to them so they know they have the option, too. To that end, it also means respecting them when they ask me for a 10 minute self-imposed time-out -- even if it's during a math lesson, or the dishes being done. It's making our attitude a priority for a short while, or as necessary, even if it means we're late to co-op or the dishes sit in the sink overnight.

 

Good luck with your family :grouphug: