If you are adopted,

[Lawana]

is there any reason you would absoluetly not, for any reason, want to be contacted by a birth parent, assuming a closed adoption?

 

If you would want contact under certain circumstances, what are they?

 

If you are LDS and can answer, that would be appreciated too.

[KristinaBreece]

is there any reason you would absoluetly not, for any reason, want to be contacted by a birth parent, assuming a closed adoption?

 

If you would want contact under certain circumstances, what are they?

 

If you are LDS and can answer, that would be appreciated too.

 

My DH is adopted, and he has contacted his birth mother, but he would like never to hear from her again. They exchanged one letter, and it was apparent to him at that point that she was as unstable & irresponsible as he had always assumed she would be. He doesn't want our DC exposed to that. A medical history would be a nice thing to have, though...

[Mergath]

I'm not adopted, but I have a sister that was given up for adoption before I was born. Her and my father met when I was, oh, maybe sixteen and she was in her mid-twenties, and it was a nightmare for her. My dad's family acted like she was some sort of lost child that finally came home, and didn't want to know anything about her life or her adoptive family. They acted like it was their job to indoctrinate her into everything she'd missed out on. She left three days early and never came back.

 

I've heard quite a few horror stories from others, too. If I had been adopted, I don't know if I'd want to meet my bio parents or not.

[OLG]

I am adopted and would want to be the one making the contact, period. I would not want to be contacted out of the blue over a medical issue even. Just me!

 

Mary

[Annie Laurie]

My dh was adopted and would not want to be contacted.

[DawnM]

I was adopted and I would like to be contacted. I have tried to find my birth mother but haven't been able to. I feel like there is a part of myself that I will never know....it is an odd feeling.

 

However, it has also made me know from a young age that I would be adopting. My youngest son is adopted.

 

Dawn

[Halftime Hope]

is there any reason you would absoluetly not, for any reason, want to be contacted by a birth parent, assuming a closed adoption?

 

Depending on whom the adopting parents were (their temperament, personality, hang-ups), they could be very, very hurt by the adoptee beginning a relationship with a biological parent, regardless of whom initiated the contact. It is very conceivable that an adoptee could be very torn if the adopting parents did not have it within themselves to be open to an added relationship.

If you would want contact under certain circumstances, what are they?

 

I would probably want to be contacted through a neutral third party whom I knew and trusted, someone like a clergy member, with the question of whether or not I wanted to get to know my biological parent. I could give my answer to my clergy without feeling put on the spot.

 

If you are LDS and can answer, that would be appreciated too.

 

I have an adopted brother. I'll tell you his story tomorrow morning.

[Lawana]

Thanks to those who have responded so far. Answers have been mixed, as can only be expected, I guess.

 

For those that don't want contact, is there any curiosity at all? And if so, how could that curiosity be satisfied?

[Joker]

All of my dh's siblings are adopted and none have tried to contact their birth families. I've heard them say it feels unfair to their (adopted) parents. I know one was contacted but chose to only have contact with biological siblings, not parents. It's such a hard place to be in and I don't know what you're going through but wish you peace.:grouphug:

 

To answer another part of your question...If it were me the only reason I would want contact is for medical reasons. Medical history affects me and any children I have so that would be important. I would want it through a third party though.

[VA6336]

My husband was adopted at birth, a closed adoption. He has never tried to contact his birth mother and has absolutely no desire to. Not even for medical records. He doesn't have a reason, per se, other than he has no desire nor any curiosity at all. He has no information about her other than she was 18 and not married. So, there isn't an obvious she's-a-total-nut-case sort of thing going on that would be his reason. I wonder if it differs when it's a woman...do we have more natural curiosity than men do?

[misidawnrn]

My dad is adopted and he did search out information about his parents but only found out about them and never wanted to find them. Apparently his mom was a single young waitress working at a Woolworth's deli counter and his dad was an older, married man....she put the baby up, probably in part to save the man's reputation.

[cin]

I wonder if it differs when it's a woman...do we have more natural curiosity than men do?

 

Not here. I was adopted in a closed adoption when I was 18 mos old. (7 foster homes later; TYVM :glare:) And I really don't have any desire to meet my birth mother, IF she's even still alive. She was an 'older woman' with several 'older' sons. I'm 46, so who knows how old she is...

[Renee in NC]

My dh was adopted and would not want to be contacted.

 

:iagree: My dh does not want to be contacted either. If he decides to search out his birth mother, he has a fairly easy avenue to do so and would. He would not be happy if she contacted him out of the blue.

 

My mother, OTOH, has little information to go on and would love to find her birth father.

[Mommyfaithe]

Not here. I was adopted in a closed adoption when I was 18 mos old. (7 foster homes later; TYVM :glare:) And I really don't have any desire to meet my birth mother, IF she's even still alive. She was an 'older woman' with several 'older' sons. I'm 46, so who knows how old she is...

 

I was adopted in a closed adoption as well. I am not interested to find my birth mother. Curiously, my adoptive mother was almost obsessed with wanting me to to find her. I did receive some non-identifying info from the agency I was adopted through, which confirmed my desire NOT to persue finding anything out.

 

I would not mind being contacted, for curiosity's sake, but I am not interested in any type of relationship at all.

 

Faithe

[sparrow]

I was adopted in a closed adoption. I would prefer not to be contacted by birth family.

 

Thanks to those who have responded so far. Answers have been mixed, as can only be expected, I guess.

 

For those that don't want contact, is there any curiosity at all? And if so, how could that curiosity be satisfied?

 

There is curiosity. I don't see how there couldn't be. There's just not enough curiosity for me to open a door I can't close again.

[Annie Laurie]

For those that don't want contact, is there any curiosity at all? And if so, how could that curiosity be satisfied?

 

My dh is not curious. He says he already has a mother; the lady who birthed him shares DNA with him but that's all it is. He would like to thank her because he knows it couldn't have been easy to do, and he'd let her know he has had a good life, but only if he could do so without letting her know his name or where he is since he doesn't want any involvement.

[Lawana]

All of the replies have given me much to think about. There is nothing simple or unequivocal about any of the options. Each has the potential to backfire.

[Dobela]

My husband was adopted at birth, a closed adoption. He has never tried to contact his birth mother and has absolutely no desire to. Not even for medical records. He doesn't have a reason, per se, other than he has no desire nor any curiosity at all. He has no information about her other than she was 18 and not married. So, there isn't an obvious she's-a-total-nut-case sort of thing going on that would be his reason. I wonder if it differs when it's a woman...do we have more natural curiosity than men do?

This is my BIL. He and his sister were adopted and have different birth families. Neither has any desire to find them and neither wants to be contacted.

 

My cousin found his birthfamily and now says he regrets it. He has nothing in common with them but now they expect to stay in touch. Their behaviors and lifestyles are so different from his that he says they aren't who he would chose as friends either.

 

I am not adopted however both of my children are. I have good emotions about my son's birthmother, but it will be up to him. I hope that his biological siblings are good people if he decides to find them. But finding them or not, that is his decision after he is an adult. Personally I believe that his birthmother asked for a closed adoption and to not be contacted for a reason and I respect that. For my dd though, I hope she never wants to find her biological family and I hope they never find her. Trouble isn't a big enough word to describe them.

[Alphabetika]

I am adopted and I would welcome contact from either birthparent. I would prefer it by mail, or my second choice would be by phone. No in-person meeting until both agreed to it. And then I would like a certain level of control over whether and how the relationship would continue.

 

I don't want a new mom/dad or someone who wants me to behave like a lost daughter. But I would like to hear as much of the story as either party was willing to tell.

[Mother Superior]

I would like to just put out a gentile reminder, as an adoptive parent, an adoption attorney, with siblings and nephews who were adopted, that:

 

Adoption is an event, not a status.

 

All these "are adopted" and "is adopted" mentions are making me cringe on behalf of adoptive families everywhere.

 

If you would not refer to your children in this way: "My daughter is a vaginal birth" or "My son is a c-section," then please don't say that a child "is" adopted or that you know people who "are" adopted.

 

Thanks.

[KristinaBreece]

I would like to just put out a gentile reminder, as an adoptive parent, an adoption attorney, with siblings and nephews who were adopted, that:

 

Adoption is an event, not a status.

 

All these "are adopted" and "is adopted" mentions are making me cringe on behalf of adoptive families everywhere.

 

If you would not refer to your children in this way: "My daughter is a vaginal birth" or "My son is a c-section," then please don't say that a child "is" adopted or that you know people who "are" adopted.

 

Thanks.

 

I didn't even proof this while I was writing, so I went back & looked at my original post. I was thinking in my head, DH & I say "was adopted" when we're speaking. Surely, I typed "was..." Oddly enough, I did type "DH is adopted." Thanks for the reminder.

 

Side note: Today is DH's "second birthday"-- the anniversary of his adoption date. We celebrate both birthdays with his parents every year, two weeks apart.:)

[5kidsforME]

I would like to just put out a gentile reminder, as an adoptive parent, an adoption attorney, with siblings and nephews who were adopted, that:

 

Adoption is an event, not a status.

 

All these "are adopted" and "is adopted" mentions are making me cringe on behalf of adoptive families everywhere.

 

If you would not refer to your children in this way: "My daughter is a vaginal birth" or "My son is a c-section," then please don't say that a child "is" adopted or that you know people who "are" adopted.

 

Thanks.

 

How are they supposed to say it?

[sparrow]

How are they supposed to say it?

 

The correct term is "was adopted" in the past tense. In my case, I was adopted and my children were adopted.

[KristinaBreece]

How are they supposed to say it?

 

Past tense. An adoption is an event that happens. Then it is over. You wouldn't say, "My daughter is born on November 16." You would say, "My daughter was born...."

[Kate CA]

I would like to just put out a gentile reminder, as an adoptive parent, an adoption attorney, with siblings and nephews who were adopted, that:

Adoption is an event, not a status.

 

All these "are adopted" and "is adopted" mentions are making me cringe on behalf of adoptive families everywhere.

 

If you would not refer to your children in this way: "My daughter is a vaginal birth" or "My son is a c-section," then please don't say that a child "is" adopted or that you know people who "are" adopted.

 

Thanks.

 

I believe in being sensitive to others and I respect this is your view of it, but perhaps it isn't for others. Gently... is it fair to tell others how they or theirs get to view it?

[5kidsforME]

Adoption is such a beautiful event. I think when someone says they cringe when people don't use the right words, in this situation, is a shame. No one said anything to be mean or offensive. There is trying to politely educate people to better communicate, and their is trying to shame people to better communicate.

 

Just explain why its better to say was than is.

[sparrow]

I would like to just put out a gentile reminder, as an adoptive parent, an adoption attorney, with siblings and nephews who were adopted, that:

 

Adoption is an event, not a status.

 

All these "are adopted" and "is adopted" mentions are making me cringe on behalf of adoptive families everywhere.

 

If you would not refer to your children in this way: "My daughter is a vaginal birth" or "My son is a c-section," then please don't say that a child "is" adopted or that you know people who "are" adopted.

 

Thanks.

 

I believe in being sensitive to others and I respect this is your view of it, but perhaps it isn't for others. Gently... is it fair to tell others how they or theirs get to view it?

 

:confused:

 

She's really not stating an opinion. That's a fact. I *am* an adoptee. I *was* adopted.

[Kate CA]

Adoption is such a beautiful event. I think when someone says they cringe when people don't use the right words, in this situation, is a shame. No one said anything to be mean or offensive. There is trying to politely educate people to better communicate, and their is trying to shame people to better communicate.

 

Just explain why its better to say was than is.

 

:iagree: on all points. :001_smile:

[Kate CA]

:confused:

 

She's really not stating an opinion. That's a fact. I *am* an adoptee. I *was* adopted.

 

I don't disagree with the facts, but it is up to each individual adoptee/adopting parent how they wish to say it. I had a friend whose adoption was very much an ongoing thing to her and was still processing it in her early adult years. I would not presume to tell her what to call it or how to say it--it is her choice. I am saying that while I empathize with Mother Superior, it isn't up to her to tell others how to describe their own situation. To some people, the adoption isn't over yet even if it happened when they were children.

[Mother Superior]

I believe in being sensitive to others and I respect this is your view of it, but perhaps it isn't for others. Gently... is it fair to tell others how they or theirs get to view it?

 

The practice of referring to the adoption of a person in the present tense, rather than the past tense, when that adoption in fact occurred in the past, undermines the relationship of the adoptive family, is insulting to adopted persons, and is not an accurate representation of adoption overall.

 

I am not telling others how they must view adoption-- I am joining with other adoption professionals and adoptive families in fighting a cultural language barrier that is detrimental to us and our children.

[Kate CA]

The practice of referring to the adoption of a person in the present tense, rather than the past tense, when that adoption in fact occurred in the past, undermines the relationship of the adoptive family, is insulting to adopted persons, and is not an accurate representation of adoption overall.

 

I am not telling others how they must view adoption-- I am joining with other adoption professionals and adoptive families in fighting a cultural language barrier that is detrimental to us and our children.

 

I understand. I did not do it and believe in the beautiful gift that is adoption. All I am saying is that I think it is each individual adoptee/adoptive parent's right to say what they wish about it.

 

I am bowing out now. Have a good night.

[Mother Superior]

Adoption is such a beautiful event. I think when someone says they cringe when people don't use the right words, in this situation, is a shame. No one said anything to be mean or offensive. There is trying to politely educate people to better communicate, and their is trying to shame people to better communicate.

 

Just explain why its better to say was than is.

 

Actually, referring to a child's adoption in the present tense IS offensive. It is a remnant of language from a past where adoptive relationships were seen as less valid than biological relationships.

 

I understand that no offense was intended. That's why I cringed and posted a gentle reminder instead of being ticked off.

[knit247]

I haven't read the replies - and will answer more fully if you'd like - but I was adopted (closed adoption, 1970) and never wanted contact with my biological family. No curiosity. No real anger issues that I was aware of. No need...

 

Nine days shy of my 32nd birthday, I received a phone call from a friend of my biological mother asking if I was [legal name] born on [my birthday]. When I replied, 'yes," she stated that my biological mother was searching for me. I was in total shock and threw the phone across the room :tongue_smilie: DH had to take over from there. I can tell you that I had years of pain and turmoil that all stemmed from that phone call. It was hurtful to me and to my parents. It was hurtful to my biological mother. It was just awful...

 

FFwd nine years and much has changed. I enjoy a good relationship with my biological mother, but feel intense guilt because my parents do not know that we have resumed contact. If I could go back in time and choose, I would still wish that she had never contacted me. That should have been my choice...

[Mother Superior]

I understand. I did not do it and believe in the beautiful gift that is adoption. All I am saying is that I think it is each individual adoptee/adoptive parent's right to say what they wish about it.

 

I am bowing out now. Have a good night.

 

This post has me genuinely confused.

 

To say that two of my children "are" adopted is grammatically incorrect.

 

If a child of mine demonstrates ignorance with regard to a rule of grammar, then I need to educate her so that she will not make the same mistake in the future. She may choose to violate it again, but she may not choose that the rule should not exist at all.

 

To say that my sister "is" adopted is factually incorrect. Factual errors can and should be corrected. If someone says that I live at 201 North Main, when I actually live at 210 North Main, I can and should let that person know that they made an error, shouldn't I? But that person doesn't have the "right" to decide that I live at 201 North Main.

 

I have a daughter who is Asian. Is it the right of each individual to decide whether to refer to her by a racial slur? What about my five black brothers and sisters? My Indian brother? Can people choose to say those derogatory things because it is the "right" or each individual to decide whether or not racial slurs are socially acceptable?

 

If you were saying something derogatory about an entire class of people, wouldn't you want to know so that you could avoid saying it again? Or would you rather that the people you offended remain silent because it is your "right" to continue to inadvertently make the offensive remark?

Edited March 7, 2011 by Mother Superior

[knit247]

I would like to just put out a gentile reminder, as an adoptive parent, an adoption attorney, with siblings and nephews who were adopted, that:

 

Adoption is an event, not a status.

 

All these "are adopted" and "is adopted" mentions are making me cringe on behalf of adoptive families everywhere.

 

If you would not refer to your children in this way: "My daughter is a vaginal birth" or "My son is a c-section," then please don't say that a child "is" adopted or that you know people who "are" adopted.

 

Thanks.

 

I am not trying to be snarky at all - I promise - but should one say that they were married or that they are married? To me it is the same as the is/was adopted issue. I am adopted/an adoptee. That is a fact. I also was adopted. I take no offense at either.

 

ETA: As an adoptee, I am the one who gets to decide how I refer to my adoption. Not my parents, not my biological family, and certainly not society at large! Goodness knows that I didn't have any choice in the rest of it! ;)

Edited March 7, 2011 by FindingLaurie

[Mother Superior]

I am not trying to be snarky at all - I promise - but should one say that they were married or that they are married? To me it is the same as the is/was adopted issue. I am adopted/an adoptee. That is a fact. I also was adopted. I take no offense at either.

 

The thing is, marriage IS a status. What is your marital status? That's a common question. The status of one's marriage is pertinent in a variety of legal and social situations, and, in this day and age, can change fairly easily.

 

Adoption is NOT a status. It is an event. It happens once and is over, just like a birth. Again, we don't say that a child IS a vaginal birth. We don't say those twins ARE a c-section. It happened and is over with. It may come up every so often when filling out some medical background information, but that's it.

 

No offense taken nor snarkiness read, and I meant none either. I think it's a fair question, and I believe I gave a fair answer.

[Mother Superior]

I

ETA: As an adoptee, I am the one who gets to decide how I refer to my adoption. Not my parents, not my biological family, and certainly not society at large! Goodness knows that I didn't have any choice in the rest of it! ;)

 

Your parents chose this for you long before you were old enough to do this yourself, but that's not a bad thing-- it's like choosing your name, or choosing not to change the name given to you by your birth family. They decided how you should be identified to the world, and you internalized it over time.

 

When people refer to my biological children as my "own" as a way of distinguishing them from the children who joined our family through adoption, I always say, "They're ALL my own." I choose to do this so that others recognize that their language socially undermines adoptive parent/child relationships, and so that my children will never question their status in our family. My children hear this and internalize it and know that bio or adopted, they all are equal.

 

The same can be said for using the past tense vs. the present tense when referring to a person who was adopted. Adopted children should NOT grow up thinking that they have a label or status that sets them apart from children who join a family through birth. Extensive research has been done on this, and concludes that forcing such a status onto a child is detrimental to that child's sense of self and long-term attachment within the adoptive family.

Edited March 7, 2011 by Mother Superior

[knit247]

When people refer to my biological children as my "own" as a way of distinguishing them from the children who joined our family through adoption, I always say, "They're ALL my own."

 

The same can be said for using the past tense vs. the present tense. Adopted children should NOT grow up thinking that they have a label or status that sets them apart ...

 

I think that it's great that you are quick to let others know that your children are your children! My cringing moment comes with those parents who make it a point to point out their adopted children. I met a lady once who was very white, with a very Asian son. She actually said, "This is my son, [name]. He's Asian, you know. We adopted him." Really? I never would have guessed!

 

Again, not wanting to argue - and I believe you realize that - but I just don't think that my saying that I am adopted is hurting anyone (especially me!). I maintain that it should be left to the adoptee what to say about his or her adoption. I believe that too much fuss can be made in both directions. If one spends an inordinate amount of time trying to ensure that the adopted child not feel adopted, it could actually make them question what, exactly, is wrong with it (being adopted) in the first place. OTOH, if one is treated like the child in the example above - where being adopted is constantly pointed out to others - that could be equally detrimental.

[Heather in Neverland]

My dh is adopted and has never felt any desire to contact his bio parents. He says that if either of his bio parents were to contact him now he would be fine with it but as a child or a teenager he would NOT have wanted to be contacted.

[Renee in NC]

I believe in being sensitive to others and I respect this is your view of it, but perhaps it isn't for others. Gently... is it fair to tell others how they or theirs get to view it?

 

My dh says either way, depending on the context. He really doesn't care one way or the other.

 

ETA: Mother Superior, I get that you are advocating for others. However, you don't get to decide how my dh refers to himself or how anyone else refers to themselves. The adoptee gets to choose. If they don't take offense, then it seems that insisting it is so furthers the bias, not alleviates it.

Edited March 7, 2011 by Renee in FL

[Heather in Neverland]

My dh says either way, depending on the context. He really doesn't care one way or the other.

 

ETA: Mother Superior, I get that you are advocating for others. However, you don't get to decide how my dh refers to himself or how anyone else refers to themselves. The adoptee gets to choose. If they don't take offense, then it seems that insisting it is so furthers the bias, not alleviates it.

 

 

I have to agree. For one, I don't distinguish between my birth child and my 2 adopted children in their presence. But if someone asks me I refer to ds #1 as my birth child (do I say "vaginal birth child"? no. But I do say birth child) and ds#2 and dd as my adopted children. There are no value judgments in those words. They are merely statements of fact.

 

Do I say "is" or "was" adopted? Actually, when someone asks, I usually say, "We adopted Alex from Korea and we adopted Natalie from Malaysia and Kyle is a birth child." I like to specify their countries of origin because I think it is important to help give them that as part of their identity. And honestly, it's just cool! I love having kids from different parts of the world and my kids feel that they are part of a unique and special kind of family!

 

Also, I guess I don't see "adopted" as being such a negative label that I have to be offended or not offended by its use in regards to my children. I am proud of the fact that two of my children are adopted and I am raising them to be proud of their heritage. We don't avoid the word or tippy-toe around it.

 

And if you are easily offended by "is" or "was" then you will have a long row to hoe (as my grandma would say) because people say stupid things all the time or things that they don't mean. You can live life offended or you can let it roll...

[Lawana]

Thank you all so much. I appreciate your views and experiences.

 

Addressing Mother Superior's concern. The usage of "am/is/are adopted" is in common use, including by some (most?) of those who are most affected by the action in question. While there may be some who desire to change this, and may have valid reasons for wishing to do so, to declare an accepted, widely used construction as violating a rule, and "wrong," smacks of police action. As pointed out by a pp, for some, an adoption is far more than a one-time event, wholly completed in the past, prior to other past events.

[Murmer]

Getting back to the original question, I am not an adoptee but my daughter's birthmother was adopted and at the time of our dd's birth she was exploring her own adoption. She kept saying she was not sure she wanted to find her birthmother because she was worried her birthmother did not want to be found and basically that she would be rejected in her attempts. It really worried her and I don't know what she ended up choosing to do. As for establishing contact find out if your state has a registry where you can register and if your birthfamily registers then they will let you know and decided at that time if you want contact but it is mutual so you know the birthfamily was looking too because they signed the registry.

[Sarah CB]

My dh is not curious. He says he already has a mother; the lady who birthed him shares DNA with him but that's all it is. He would like to thank her because he knows it couldn't have been easy to do, and he'd let her know he has had a good life, but only if he could do so without letting her know his name or where he is since he doesn't want any involvement.

 

This is my dh exactly. No desire or curiosity about the bio-parents, but he is grateful that they were strong enough to give him up.

[thescrappyhomeschooler]

Dh has 3 adopted siblings. His youngest adopted sister met with her birth mother and still occasionally corresponds with her. She does not have a relationship with her birth mother because her birth mother is very poor and seems to want to have a relationship for the sole purpose of what she can get out of SIL and the family. She asks for money and clothes and all kinds of other things.

 

When this SIL was having her first baby, I was at her shower and one of the family friends was talking about the time SIL met her birth mother and kept referring to the birth mother as SIL's mother. SIL interrupted and said, "My mother is in the kitchen preparing the food for this party." That brought tears to my eyes and made everyone else hush up.

 

I think it could be very different in different situations. Someone who truly did not want to give up their child and always wonders how that child is doing would be a different story. I think the adoptive parents might have concerns, but it also depends on their personalities and relationship with their child. I can't answer the original question because I'm not adopted, but I think that the reality you face when you decide to meet may be very different from the imagined scenario in your head. If I had given up a child for adoption, I would want to know that they were safe and happy.

[amyable]

I was adopted in a closed adoption. I would prefer not to be contacted by birth family.

 

...

 

There is curiosity. I don't see how there couldn't be. There's just not enough curiosity for me to open a door I can't close again.

 

:iagree:

 

This is me. With the exception being that I am so crazily curious, I would love to know everything about them, have pictures, etc. I just don't want a relationship. (unless I find out they are completely normal - more so than me, lol - and would just be glorious to get to know :D)

 

ETA: Two things - my adoptive father especially would be crushed if he found out I knew my parents. While this fact practially breaks me in half when I think of it, I honestly don't know if he would physically survive it (I'm not exaggerating), and I can't do that to him. So that does weigh heavily on my thoughts, although I wish it didn't.

 

And two: not to beat a dead horse, but I *am* adopted. Not was. The "adoption" was an event 42 years ago, but I say that I *am* adopted because the converse denies who I truly AM. Many adoptees feel it's hard enough to "pretend" all the time that their parents are their biological parents like all other kids, to then deny in words that they ARE adopted is just another nail in that coffin of their "selfhood"

 

And it irks me no end that my spell check doesn't recognize "adoptees" is a word, lol. :P

Edited March 7, 2011 by amyable

[DawnM]

:iagree:

 

We were at Disney World last year and a family had 3 adorable Chinese girls. My DH asked the mother where her girls were from and she very rudely said, "Pennsylvania!" It wasn't until she saw our Chinese son that her demeanor changed.

 

It just really doesn't bother me when people ask, they are curious. And I haven't met a person yet who didn't also comment what a great kid he! We are very lucky to have him.

 

Dawn

 

I have to agree. For one, I don't distinguish between my birth child and my 2 adopted children in their presence. But if someone asks me I refer to ds #1 as my birth child (do I say "vaginal birth child"? no. But I do say birth child) and ds#2 and dd as my adopted children. There are no value judgments in those words. They are merely statements of fact.

 

Do I say "is" or "was" adopted? Actually, when someone asks, I usually say, "We adopted Alex from Korea and we adopted Natalie from Malaysia and Kyle is a birth child." I like to specify their countries of origin because I think it is important to help give them that as part of their identity. And honestly, it's just cool! I love having kids from different parts of the world and my kids feel that they are part of a unique and special kind of family!

 

Also, I guess I don't see "adopted" as being such a negative label that I have to be offended or not offended by its use in regards to my children. I am proud of the fact that two of my children are adopted and I am raising them to be proud of their heritage. We don't avoid the word or tippy-toe around it.

 

And if you are easily offended by "is" or "was" then you will have a long row to hoe (as my grandma would say) because people say stupid things all the time or things that they don't mean. You can live life offended or you can let it roll...

[Haiku]

I've heard them say it feels unfair to their (adopted) parents.

 

I am not adopted but I am an adoptive mom. This makes me sad. I would certainly hope that adoptive parents would realize that some kids would have a strong need to know about their biological roots, and that in most cases it's not a reflection on their parenting or their family's stability. One of my children will never be able to find out anything about his/her biological family, period, and it pains that child and me.

 

Tara

[knit247]

Also, I guess I don't see "adopted" as being such a negative label that I have to be offended or not offended by its use in regards to my children. I am proud of the fact that two of my children are adopted and I am raising them to be proud of their heritage. We don't avoid the word or tippy-toe around it.

 

:iagree:

[Haiku]

 

Adoption is an event, not a status.

 

 

 

Past tense. An adoption is an event that happens. Then it is over.

 

Depends on the person, really. The adoption of my dd took place when she was older. She remembers her birth family, she remembers living in a series of orphanages, she remembers coming to us and struggling through tough years of family building. She says that she "is adopted." Adoption is an ongoing event in her life, not a past-tense, one-time thing.

 

Tara