Baby Shower Etiquette

[2cents]

Have the shower!

 

Have the shower!

 

All babies are important. It's okay to celebrate every new baby. People can just bring something small. If you register, don't register for anything super expensive.

 

Just a small fun party to celebrate the birth of a new baby. Definitely say yes to your cousin.

 

Okra

 

:iagree: Let your cousin have fun planning a party! She wants to do it! Personally, I don't worry too much about the conventions (1st or 4th baby), I would go if invited just to have some fun and join in the excitement of a new baby. Those that have issues with it being the 4th just don't need to come. Those that come will have a great time! :party:

[laurad1125]

Have the shower!

 

Have the shower!

 

All babies are important. It's okay to celebrate every new baby. People can just bring something small. If you register, don't register for anything super expensive.

 

Just a small fun party to celebrate the birth of a new baby. Definitely say yes to your cousin.

 

Okra

:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:

 

If people think it's tacky, they can not show up. I think celebrating a new baby is never tacky!

[Forget-Me-Not]

In my circle, having showers for subsequent kids is very common and accepted. If you want to let her throw one, I say go for it.

[~Tara~]

I say if the cousin wants to throw a shower, let her. Go. Enjoy. Have fun! Be thankful. :)

 

I realize it's not commonplace to have showers for subsequent children but I don't see a problem with celebrating each child. Should the mother *expect* it? No. But certainly embrace it if/when it does happen. Rejoice in the fact that you have ones around you who want to share and give!

 

Just ignore the MIL and any other naysayers, they don't have to attend if they don't agree with the idea. That simple. And no skin off your back either.

 

:)

[Murphy101]

I think if someone thinks the event tacky, they should stay home and whether they go or not, there is NEVER an obligation to give a gift. That is why it is called a gift.

 

What party poopers.

 

If your cousin wants to do it and you would enjoy it, then go have fun.

 

I can tell you, I wouldn't enjoy it bc there are very very few people IRL who are truly happy to see anyone, much less me, pregnant with number 3+ and a shower with only those few would only accentuate that. And a shower where they all came anyways would be a dredge to get through.

 

As far as gifts go, I think people forget that stuff is really made shoddy these days. Even the expensive items. Whether it is 5 years between babies or 5 years of having babies, stuff wears out, gets recalled, is outdated or whatever. I think I have needed to buy more with this baby than my first.

 

ETA: I never had people bring meals and such after the delivery until baby number 9. I guess I didn't think much of it prior to that, but wow does a mom of several ever appreciate it more than I would have with my first 16 years ago.

Edited February 24, 2011 by Martha

[JeneralMom]

My take on the shower issue is that the shower is not for the baby, it is for the new parents. You are showering the parents with things they need for the baby and any future ones. Where I grew up it would have been the height of tackiness to have a shower for more than one baby. When I moved to the States it seemed totally different and the shower was for the baby and there were showers for all babies. Having said that, none of my friends have ever had a shower for any baby after their first, except for the one who had a 15 year age gap between #1 and #2. However, we did all want to celebrate the addition of each individual child into our families and into the friendship-group as a whole, so we would hold "Welcome" parties when the babies were a couple months old.

[Liz CA]

In our part of the world, there would not be the blink of an eye even if it was the 7th child.

Are you supposed to have saved every little outfit that your other children have worn into the ground?

This # 4 is just as special as # 1.

Go and celebrate!

[angela in ohio]

I really am thinking this varies by what showers are like in your family, region, culutre, etc. No one gives clothes at baby showers (I made that mistake once when I was younger. :glare:) Baby showers are for large and practical items: bath tubs, strollers, etc. Everyone IS expected to give a gift. When the baby is born, everyone sends an outfit. So a second shower wouldn't be necessary, and no one would think of one for clothing, because that's already given anyway when each baby is born. After my second dd was born, I had so much new clothing, added to the barely worn outfits from first dd, that some never ended up having the tags off.

 

I do think there is a bit of a false dichotomoy here: either you are on board for a second shower OR you think every baby is special. Those are not the only two choices. :D

[QueenCat]

Have the shower!

 

Have the shower!

 

All babies are important. It's okay to celebrate every new baby. People can just bring something small. If you register, don't register for anything super expensive.

 

Just a small fun party to celebrate the birth of a new baby. Definitely say yes to your cousin.

 

Okra

 

:iagree: Every baby deserves a celebration. And some new things :) Onesies, gowns, bottles, pacifiers and the like often need replacing. Someone gave me a diaper and wipes shower, which was nice. Your mil should not dictate what your cousin wants to do for you and your baby.

[LidiyaDawn]

I really am thinking this varies by what showers are like in your family, region, culutre, etc. No one gives clothes at baby showers (I made that mistake once when I was younger. :glare:) Baby showers are for large and practical items: bath tubs, strollers, etc. Everyone IS expected to give a gift. When the baby is born, everyone sends an outfit. So a second shower wouldn't be necessary, and no one would think of one for clothing, because that's already given anyway when each baby is born. After my second dd was born, I had so much new clothing, added to the barely worn outfits from first dd, that some never ended up having the tags off.

 

 

Yeah there's definitely a big regional/cultural/whatever gap thing on this because the showers that I've been too have had clothing as the main gifts! :laugh:

 

"big" gifts - like strollers, cribs, etc... I've never seen (or heard tell of until now) at a shower.

[TXMomof4]

My cousin wants to throw me a baby shower. I said nothing to her about it she offered about a month ago. I would love to have one. My MIL told me how tacky this is. I am having baby #4. She hasn't bought me a baby gift since my daughter was born almost 8 years ago baby #1. Its not like I am asking her to come or buy a present. It would hurt my cousin's feelings if I told her I didn't want a shower. She has really thrown herself into planning and is having it in June. What should I do?

 

Let her give you a shower! And enjoy it. And tell MIL to go suck an egg.

[amydavis]

Yeah there's definitely a big regional/cultural/whatever gap thing on this because the showers that I've been too have had clothing as the main gifts! :laugh:

 

"big" gifts - like strollers, cribs, etc... I've never seen (or heard tell of until now) at a shower.

 

I've had showers for my 4 children and I've given quite a few showers for others, for first and/or subsequent births. Anyway, in my opinion, a shower is not mainly for large gifts. Sure, with baby #1, I had grandparents, parents, aunts, etc. that did give large gifts. My mom gave us our crib, my grandmother gave us a stroller, etc. But there were still tons of clothes. Subsequent showers were mainly clothes, toys, books, and necessary things like diapers/wipes. But, I did still receive an exersaucer (since walkers had gone by the wayside).

 

I just don't see how the child's birth order influences whether or not to give a gift. Clothes wear out, go out of style, become stained. Not to mention, that the child's gender and month of birth influence things even more. My first child was born in May, my second on the last day of November. Obviously, what baby #1 wore in a 3 month size, would not work for baby #2.

 

Even medium to large items wear out, lose parts/pieces, become outdated, receive recalls, etc. In my experience, only very close friends and/or family usually give those kind of larger items, and they would do so with or without a shower. Most everyone else simply gives clothing and other nice, but not crazy-expensive, items.

 

I think it's perfectly acceptable to throw a shower for a mom-to-be, whether it's her first baby, or her tenth. If people find it tacky, then they won't come. I do agree with another poster that said some people just don't find anything celebratory about more than 2 or 3 children. They find it unusual to have more than what is "societally normal". Oh well...their problem. If I wasted much time considering what some people think is "typical" or acceptable, I wouldn't be doing a lot of what I do, to include homeschooling! :tongue_smilie:

 

I also wanted to say, that I find it bizarre that mil has not given a gift to any subsequent grandchild. WEIRD. Seriously?!?! My mother and mother-in-law would both give gifts regardless of the number of kids I have. Does she have a problem with the size of your family? I mean, in all honesty, my mom thinks anything beyond 2 children is a little nuts, lol...BUT, she would still buy her new grandbaby a gift. If I were to ever have a #5, my mom would probably ask me if I had lost my mind, worry about our finances, etc...but then she would pick up, move on, and go about being a grandma...I dunno...just totally weird to me. It just seems like a passive-agressive statement on your family size. It's not that gifts are expected from anyone, but c'mon...from a grandparent?! I'm going to go out on a limb and say that it is far more societally un-normal for a grandma to not buy the new baby a present, than it is for a shower to be thrown. Geez...:glare:

[Imprimis]

Yes, let her throw the shower for you! If there are people invited who feel it's tacky or unacceptable, they can simply decline the invitation.

[lionfamily1999]

It would be tacky if YOU asked your cousin to throw a baby shower, but that's not what happened. I know the thinking on showers for babies after #1 but I think it's stupid and many people are coming around to the idea of celebrating all babies, not just someone's first.

 

And of course presents are not expected following the birth of any baby but I've had gifts arrive in the mail after all my babies, from distant relatives even! So it sounds like your MIL just has some issues. Unless she's especially strapped for cash, I can't imagine a grandmother not doting over her grandbaby, especially for some aged principle.

:iagree: My sil is having her second baby shower, I had two as well. There's a big difference between throwing one (or having someone throw one) yourself and someone wanting to throw one for you. Mil doesn't have to go :D

[Dobela]

Have the shower!

 

Have the shower!

 

All babies are important. It's okay to celebrate every new baby. People can just bring something small. If you register, don't register for anything super expensive.

 

Just a small fun party to celebrate the birth of a new baby. Definitely say yes to your cousin.

 

Okra

:iagree:I so agree with this. Maybe make it a family affair and invite the men as well. Our church had a shower when we adopted our son and we asked for men to be included. It as a wonderful time for my dh as the men openly shared their joy with him. And even single men came with gifts, happy to be included.

[happyhomemaker25]

Let your cousin bless you with the shower but don't get your expectations up. :)

I have a unique situation. We adopted five children in 2006. Our youngest adoptee was a boy who we brought home from the hospital as a newborn in January of that year. Our church had a big baby shower for us and it was great.

Four and a half years later God blessed us with a biological baby girl. Friends from our new church (which consisted of a lot of people from our old church) wanted to throw me a shower. Even though it was baby number 6 she was a first in a lot of ways. I agreed and was so grateful (still am!) because I had nothing girly for a baby girl and most of our baby stuff had been given away anyway.

I was so excited about the shower and my friends kept after me to register. So I took my little registration gun at Babies R Us and had a blast.

The day of my shower we got so many clothes. LOVED IT! However I did not get anything off our registry. I had no recieving blankets for this baby. No big fluffy blankets. No burp cloths. No sheets. None of the stuff I needed for just the first few weeks. LOL

I am so thankful for what I got. But being hormonal and all it was a bit dissapointing that I did not get anything off the registry.

All that to say just enjoy the day and be surprised and thankful for whatever you get. I was! :)

[ocelotmom]

I'm in the "Every baby should be celebrated" camp, though I agree that it should be clear, either from the invitation or the registry, that big gifts aren't expected.

 

And honestly, I don't understand the idea that all the baby stuff should be held onto until menopause in case of another baby. People move, or live in small houses that don't have much storage space, or think they're done and then find out they aren't. Things get recalled, carseats expire, new things are invented that didn't exist when the first baby was born, babies are born in different seasons or are different genders, things wear out.

 

It makes much more sense to me for them to be passed on to someone else who can use them now, unless another baby is planned in the immediate future. We keep one box of the absolute essentials and the extra-special stuff, and that's it.

Edited February 24, 2011 by ocelotmom

[susancollins]

Amy,

I am very sad to say she does have problems with the size of our family. She made a comment after we first found out we were pregnant this fall that she is going to have to buy another Christmas gift. She also said that we didn't need anymore children. I replied no you don't have to buy another present. MY husband said something to her and made her apolgize. I really wish I had a close relationship with my mother in law, and that she loved my children. I have told her ten years from now the kids aren't going to care what you bought or gave them they are going to care about the time you spent with them. We have had the flu this week and she is yet to call and check on us. My mom on the other hand lives 500 plus miles away and checks on the kids everyday. She teaches and is only able to come in the summer. Sorry to vent!

[JeneralMom]

I really am thinking this varies by what showers are like in your family, region, culutre, etc. No one gives clothes at baby showers (I made that mistake once when I was younger. :glare:) Baby showers are for large and practical items: bath tubs, strollers, etc. Everyone IS expected to give a gift. When the baby is born, everyone sends an outfit. So a second shower wouldn't be necessary, and no one would think of one for clothing, because that's already given anyway when each baby is born. After my second dd was born, I had so much new clothing, added to the barely worn outfits from first dd, that some never ended up having the tags off.

 

I do think there is a bit of a false dichotomoy here: either you are on board for a second shower OR you think every baby is special. Those are not the only two choices. :D

 

 

I think this is true. Where and when I grew up (it might be different now), showers were for big items to lessen the economic burden of getting ready for baby. When I had my shower for my first, I expected it to be the same, so registered for the things I needed, or thought I did, like a swing, cloth diapers and car seat, etc which I assumed friends would go in on together. All I got were frilly little outfits and stuffed animals. It may sound ungrateful, but it was totally pointless. They spent more on those things than if 4 or 5 of them had gotten together and bought the car seat. So, I was left having to buy all the big items and having a closet full of things my baby never wore. (I was in Kansas by this time) I found out later that people were shocked that I registered for practical, expensive things.

 

I think it would be interesting to poll where people are from and whether they think showers are for the parents or for the child.

 

I'll go - I am from Montreal and I think showers are for the parents and practical items should be the main gifts at showers with a practical piece of clothing or toy given after birth. Subsequent children should be given "welcome" parties after they are born.

[silliness7]

I vote for a no-gift, get together to clelebrate the baby :)

 

ETA - 13 years ago, my closest girl friend wanted to have a shower for my 2nd son, who was a month premature. We had it after he was healthy enough to meet everyone, and I made it clear no one was required to bring anything. Some people still broughts gifts, though, and I heard later that about half the people there said that it was "tacky for me to accept gifts at a second shower". Just be aware....

 

Really? The nerve of some people. What are you supposed to do refuse to accept the gift they went out of their way to pick out and wrap for you? That sounds incredibly rude to me. I didn't have showers for my 6th and 7th but friends and family still sent gifts.

[silliness7]

I really am thinking this varies by what showers are like in your family, region, culutre, etc. No one gives clothes at baby showers (I made that mistake once when I was younger. :glare:) Baby showers are for large and practical items: bath tubs, strollers, etc. Everyone IS expected to give a gift. When the baby is born, everyone sends an outfit. So a second shower wouldn't be necessary, and no one would think of one for clothing, because that's already given anyway when each baby is born. After my second dd was born, I had so much new clothing, added to the barely worn outfits from first dd, that some never ended up having the tags off.

 

I do think there is a bit of a false dichotomoy here: either you are on board for a second shower OR you think every baby is special. Those are not the only two choices. :D

 

 

Maybe that would make a big difference. I have never given nor received a big ticket item for a baby shower. It's all mostly clothes, bibs, shoes, blankets.

[kdeno]

but how about a baby "sprinkle"? I had a baby sprinkle for my sil. Her children were only 2 years apart but I wanted to do something special for baby and mom.

 

Congratulations and many blessing to you!

 

Kariann

[elfinbaby]

Have the shower. You didn't ask for someone to do it. Celebrate the baby. If this is your 4th baby and you don't need anything, don't register for gifts. If your friend/cousin (I forgot who was throwing it) loves to plan, let her get creative. Focus on celebrating you, the baby, your family. You know what, people going on their 4th kid really need frozen meals or someone to sign up and take the kids to the park during those first few weeks or whatever. Why does a shower have to be women sitting around with the pregnant lady opening up presents? There are a lot of things that can be done/celebrated for a 4th baby.

 

We have 4 kids. Meals, neighbors mowing the lawn, babysitters, etc. were very welcome during those first 6 wks. I'm sure there are some awesome ideas online for baby showers for subsequent children. I mean, wouldn't it be nice just to get together with friends, chat, eat, laugh and share the excitement of the baby? Make it a family celebration. Have a stinkin' BBQ! If you think most of your group is going to judge the shower - go with a cook-out. If you think there are people in your group that would be open to providing a meal (sign up sheet or actually bringing the meal to stock your freezer), entertainment out of the house at the park for the siblings, etc., find a cute way to arrange that at the party.

 

I don't get the resistance. It's not tacky. Oh, it could be, lol, if you approached it in a selfish way or the circumstances were different but I think you are totally fine. :D

[elfinbaby]

A baby sprinkle! That is an adorable idea!

[JennyD]

Amy,

She made a comment after we first found out we were pregnant this fall that she is going to have to buy another Christmas gift.

 

Oh, my. I don't think that you should listen to anything at all that your MIL has to say on this subject, actually. I'm very sorry; that must be a very difficult situation for both you and your DH.

 

Congratulations on your pregnancy, and enjoy the party!

[kilo90]

I feel that showers are a celebration of a new little one and they are appropriate for the first child or the 10th. I've always thought it would be sad for the first couple of kiddos to have pictures of their baby shower and yet the other one be told "no one did anything when we had you."

 

I have not sifted through all the replies; just the first couple pages. This may have been suggested. I've given many showers for folks with multiple children. If the family has everything they need for baby, I take donations towards a gift card for a nice restaurant. Folks throw $10 or so and the couple (when able to) has a nice dinner out. I babysit the kids for them so they don't have that expense. Just an option that new moms with a houseful of kiddos always appreciate.

 

As an aside, I am having my 4th baby (a girl) next month and someone is throwing me a shower. My other daughter is 10, I had given away all my girl clothes as we thought we were done after our 5 yr old. I'm grateful for their thoughtfulness and hope that no one finds it tacky. :)

 

Congratulations. Sorry this is a stressful issue for you. I hope you are able to have the shower and ENJOY it! :) Such an exciting time!

 

Gloria

[amydavis]

Amy,

I am very sad to say she does have problems with the size of our family. She made a comment after we first found out we were pregnant this fall that she is going to have to buy another Christmas gift. She also said that we didn't need anymore children. I replied no you don't have to buy another present. MY husband said something to her and made her apolgize. I really wish I had a close relationship with my mother in law, and that she loved my children. I have told her ten years from now the kids aren't going to care what you bought or gave them they are going to care about the time you spent with them. We have had the flu this week and she is yet to call and check on us. My mom on the other hand lives 500 plus miles away and checks on the kids everyday. She teaches and is only able to come in the summer. Sorry to vent!

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

Susan, I'm so sorry. I know this must hurt your feelings so much. While my mil has not made comments on our family size, she does have her own non-supportive thoughts concerning homeschooling - that she feels free to share with my children after quizzing them... With me, she asks leading questions, and passively-aggressively sprinkles in comments. It manages to hurt my feelings and make me angry, all at the same time. I also feel belittled, that she doesn't think dh and I can make choices for our family. I imagine that you feel much the same way concerning your mil's opinions/comments.

 

Thank goodness your mom is doing such a great job of grandmothering, even if it is from a distance. Just try to remember - it's not you with the problem, it's your mil. Try to focus on the love you are receiving from all your other family and friends.

 

By all means, celebrate this new and wonderful addition to your family by full-heartedly enjoying the baby shower your cousin is throwing. Personally, I would let mil know that she is welcome, as long as she is not going to sit there and pout. This shower is for you, and those that love and support you, to welcome beautiful thoughts, and perhaps some beautiful gifts, for your new little one. If she can't put on her happy face and manage to behave herself without any negative comments - she should stay home.

 

By the way, congratulations to you and your family for the new member that is on the way!

Edited February 24, 2011 by amydavis
clarification

[beccad777]

I think showers are fun no matter what number baby it is. I always bring useful, consumable things as gifts. Things like pacifiers, baby wash, baby lotion, wipes, etc... I say have the shower! :) And congratulations!

[herbalgirl]

I have not read all the replies, so forgive me if this has been mentioned, but it is NOT tacky to have a baby shower, EVER. I don't care how many babies a woman has had, a baby shower is a lovely thing to do. It shows others share in the joy and blessing that a new baby is. People don't necessarily need to bring gifts for the baby-what about something pampering for the mother? What about encouraging bible verses or inspirational motherhood type quotes in a nice book? Diapers are always needed, as are toiletries. Gift cards are always nice.

 

I've always been a bit miffed at the attitude of others to women who are expecting another baby after #1 or #2. I just think it shows an attitude of indifference to the blessing of a baby, when a new baby should always be celebrated.