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My cousin wants to throw me a baby shower. I said nothing to her about it she offered about a month ago. I would love to have one. My MIL told me how tacky this is. I am having baby #4. She hasn't bought me a baby gift since my daughter was born almost 8 years ago baby #1. Its not like I am asking her to come or buy a present. It would hurt my cousin's feelings if I told her I didn't want a shower. She has really thrown herself into planning and is having it in June. What should I do?

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My cousin wants to throw me a baby shower. I said nothing to her about it she offered about a month ago. I would love to have one. My MIL told me how tacky this is. I am having baby #4. She hasn't bought me a baby gift since my daughter was born almost 8 years ago baby #1. Its not like I am asking her to come or buy a present. It would hurt my cousin's feelings if I told her I didn't want a shower. She has really thrown herself into planning and is having it in June. What should I do?

 

It is your MIL's issue, not yours or your cousin.

 

I LOVE going to baby showers, no matter what child number it is for. I just love celebrating new life, new babies.

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I wouldn't think a shower for baby number 4 would go over well. I'd just tell her so. And then you two go out and have a special lunch or something.

 

:iagree: The only exception would be if there's a large gap between your last child and the new baby and people knew that you no longer had any more baby stuff.

 

This isn't to say that people aren't generous and don't/won't want to gift you and the new baby but attending a baby shower puts a lot of pressure on people.

 

I also would talk to your friend about doing a lunch or dinner get-together instead where everyone can get together to celebrate your joy without the pressure of gifts.

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I wouldn't think a shower for baby number 4 would go over well. I'd just tell her so. And then you two go out and have a special lunch or something.

I agree. I couldn't decide how I felt about this--on the one hand, I think it's great that your cousin wants to do this for you, and I want to thumb my nose at your MIL. But on the other hand, baby showers really aren't normally done for a 4th baby. People expect that you still have most of your baby stuff. Sometimes exceptions are made--at my church, our small group had a surprise shower for a couple who were having their 7th baby. They had thought they were done with #6, and had given away most of their baby and toddler things (she gave me 7 big bags of 2T-4T clothing). Then they found out they were having another. I was happy to be able to give back some of the things she had given me. (I didn't have it all anymore)

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It would be tacky if YOU asked your cousin to throw a baby shower, but that's not what happened. I know the thinking on showers for babies after #1 but I think it's stupid and many people are coming around to the idea of celebrating all babies, not just someone's first.

 

And of course presents are not expected following the birth of any baby but I've had gifts arrive in the mail after all my babies, from distant relatives even! So it sounds like your MIL just has some issues. Unless she's especially strapped for cash, I can't imagine a grandmother not doting over her grandbaby, especially for some aged principle.

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I wouldn't think a shower for baby number 4 would go over well. I'd just tell her so. And then you two go out and have a special lunch or something.

 

I agree. The only time I've seen it done was for a large gap, as a pp mentioned, or for someone who had many boys and then had a girl (or vice versa.) Even then, it would depend on the people involved. I would consider it more for younger folks, but avoid inviting any older aunts or grandmas.

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Have the shower!

 

Have the shower!

 

All babies are important. It's okay to celebrate every new baby. People can just bring something small. If you register, don't register for anything super expensive.

 

Just a small fun party to celebrate the birth of a new baby. Definitely say yes to your cousin.

 

Okra

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Maybe you could ask your cousin to turn it into a diaper shower? Then people can celebrate, they can bring things you need, and no one need feel as if they're giving you stuff when you should already have it. Alternatively you could ask your cousin to say "no gifts, please" and just have it be a party. :001_smile:

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I had a small one for my 4th. I agreed only at friends' insistence. I only invited less than 10 people so they were all close or people I KNEW would want to come.

 

I only agreed due to circumstances. I was having a girl after 3 boys and a long gap. I did need new baby stuff and those guests at my shower LOVED seeing this boymom with frilly pink stuff.

 

I would look at the circumstances and if it seems warranted I would keep it very small and personal.

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I just love celebrating new life, new babies.

 

:iagree:

 

I would never think anything negative toward someone having a baby shower - I can't imagine why I would! It's fun! :D

 

(I wonder if this is a bit regional as well.. because I know lots of people who had baby showers for more than just their first child... )

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Can it be a no presents only party, just a celebration of the impending birth of your baby? I love all the baby shower/pregnancy games :001_smile: Maybe she could postpone the party until after the baby was born for a christening/blessing/dedication/baptism/we're so happy you're here party.

 

Or, you could request the presents be food you can freeze and then eat after the baby gets here so you don't have to worry about cooking for a while.

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Maybe you could ask your cousin to turn it into a diaper shower? Then people can celebrate, they can bring things you need, and no one need feel as if they're giving you stuff when you should already have it. Alternatively you could ask your cousin to say "no gifts, please" and just have it be a party. :001_smile:

 

:iagree:

 

I don't see why people get upset about a baby shower for any baby. You still need some things whenever you have a new baby. And if it's the 4th or 5th baby, a lot of the things you already have might be pretty worn out.

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1. Call it a birthday party instead of a baby shower, & consider having it after the baby comes instead of before.

 

2. Tell cousin that you'd be embarrassed by all the attention, & if someone wanted to do that, they'd just have to surprise you.

 

I hate baby showers because of all the "etiquette," but I've seen it go both ways: on the one hand, I think it's great to celebrate ALL babies. Otoh, if you're having your 2nd boy in 2 years...at least maybe try to be polite about it. Like...don't register or don't call it a shower or *something.* At least consider writing thank you notes, lol.

 

I really don't know what to tell you. I think it helps to realize that *somebody* is going to be unhappy no matter what you do. :D I've gotten to the point that...for *me* I'd just as soon do w/out any kind of party or other fake-friendliness so that I don't have to put up with the...pettiness. But I'm consistent: I don't want to go to a baby shower OR bridal shower for myself OR someone else, 1st baby or 5th. :001_huh: :lol:

 

In your particular case, w/ a cousin who really wants to do one & a mom who thinks it would be fun--go for it. Just don't invite mil. :D

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I would have a celebration, not a shower. Invite your friends, but make it a no gift thing. Every baby should be celebrated. If someone still wants to bring you a gift, they will, but people won't feel obligated.

 

I agree--keep your regional practices in mind. Here in the midwest, not a big deal to have a shower for a 4th baby. Back on the East coast, where presents were expected to be $$$ = big deal.

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:iagree:

 

I don't see why people get upset about a baby shower for any baby. You still need some things whenever you have a new baby. And if it's the 4th or 5th baby, a lot of the things you already have might be pretty worn out.

 

 

:iagree: Things get worn out. Boys and girls wear different clothes. Heck, winter babies and summer babies wear different clothes.

 

It kind of depends on the culture you're in. Our old church would host baby showers for its members' first babies. Sometime after my 2nd but before my 3rd they changed their policy to all babies. I felt weird having a shower for my 3rd but our pastor's wife had her baby shower for her 2nd just a few weeks earlier. We were very close friends and I thought it would be weird to decline. It was nice to have a few things that were new to the little guy.

 

My 4th was a girl and everyone went whole hog celebrating this little pink thing after 3 boys.

 

I did decline the shower with my 5th. But my Sunday School class threw me a surprise diaper shower. It was so sweet and such a surprise. It made me cry.

 

Then we moved and our new church just does 1st babies. And I'm fine with that. People still drop presents by individually to celebrate the new life.

 

If I were you, I would go for the shower. I really think times are changing and they are not seen as just for 1st babies anymore. But I wouldn't register anything. Registries just look like "stuff grabs" to me. I tolerate them for weddings and 1st babies but maybe that's just me.

 

If you feel too uncomfortable though a diaper shower (size 2's and 3's) really would be so awesome and surely most people can see that you can't pass those down. :D

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At first I thought that your MIL meant it was tacky because a cousin is too close of a relation to hold a shower. I don't think it is, but I thought that is what you meant.

 

I don't understand why it would be tacky to have a shower for a friend or cousin under these circumstances. It doesn't have to be "all about the presents." She could under emphasize that if you asked her to - have everyone pitch in a small sum for a group present or something.

 

To me, a shower should be about celebrating a new life, doting on the Mom, guessing about birthdays, sharing cards, well wishes, scripture, etc.

 

I think your MIL should go about her business. No need for her to attend if she doesn't want to, but I don't think there is anything tacky about this.

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Well, lol, your MIL doesn't have to come. :) Personally, I've never had a baby shower, but if I ever get pregnant with #3, I'll be thrilled to death to have a party to celebrate. :)

 

See...the only shower I've ever had was a tiny, obligatory one thrown by mil & her friends. Very sweet, but very lonely.

 

A dear friend asked me w/ #4, "You don't want a shower, do you?" She'd only known me for a year or two, so she just assumed...& that was fine, because it would have been another obligatory kind, & it would have been so uncomfortable.

 

I told her, "Of course not."

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I say go for the shower, if you'd enjoy it. I love celebrating new babies, no matter how many siblings they have. I think it shows that people care about the baby and the new (again) mama.

 

I attended a baby shower recently for a 3rd boy and it was held at a restaurant, very casual, with appetizers. Lots of laughter and some cute new baby boy clothes and diapers.

 

I've also heard of it called a "baby sprinkle" when the baby is 2nd, 3rd, etc. The idea being you gift wipes, diapers, pacifiers, etc. Nothing big, which the mom should already have.

 

Celebrate!

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Babies are awesome, have the shower.

 

It is VERY common here to have showers or "teas" or "Sip n See's" or "Celebrations" for every single baby born, not just the first. I'm pregnant with #4 and have had a few people ask to do a shower, and we don't even know what we're having yet!

 

 

Also, congratulations :)

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I didn't have a baby shower for #1 or #2 because they were born in Germany and it's not done over there. :glare: I was thrilled when my sis and SIL wanted to throw me a shower for #3. It was very small (6 people) and low-key though just a nice luncheon and a few prezies.

 

I think a huge over the top baby shower with tons of expensive gifts on a registry isn't really suitable for kids after #1 but I don't see anything bad with a fun small party to celebrate a new life and mom-to-be.

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LOVE, LOVE, LOVE baby showers.

 

My bgf threw one for my third boy- putting a bit of luster on an otherwise BTDT event, LOL (totally joking here, ladies!). It was a very intimate gathering of my closest friends and family. These ladies would all have been getting me a gift anyway. I did register, so they would know what I needed.

 

Things wear out! I bought myself a used changing table and high chair (WORN OUT and broken after 6 years of use), and my friends and family bought me things like sippy cups, diapers, onesies that didn't have baby spit-up stains, and bibs. Socks that had both pieces! It was so much fun. OF COURSE I wrote thank you notes.

 

I threw a shower for dh's cousin's wife when she was expecting her third daughter (again, it helped make a btdt event a bit more fun!<joking>). Her mother didn't even come, so maybe she holds to the *one shower per family* school of thought. I LOVED giving that shower and I wish I could afford to give more of them, whenever my friends have babies. That was a special time in our lives.

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I have never heard of this: no baby showers for second, third, etc. If someone wants to do this for you out of the kindness of their heart, great! It isn't like you are throwing it yourself. Every child is a blessing and should be celebrated.

 

I didn't have a baby shower for my first two because I was in the US and most of the women in my family are in Mexico. I had one for both 3 and 4 (6 years apart) and we had a ball. I go to baby showers all the time for non-first born children. Often only two years after the first. What is the big deal? Baby stuff is expensive. If you can help a friend out with diapers, clothes, a savings bond, why not?

 

Hope you have a great time. Congrats on the baby!!!!!

:D

 

Danielle

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I wish someone had thrown a shower for me this time around. I had a very small shower for DD, and there's a seven year age gap plus I'm having a boy vs. a girl. I don't need much in the way of big stuff, as we've got plenty of hand-me-downs, but there are things I need this time 'round that I didn't last, such as bottles because I'm going back to work. Plus it would have been nice to have a few new things for the baby. I don't even have but 1 receiving blanket, so he's probably going to get wrapped in a towel when he's born.

 

Every baby should have at least SOME new things! If you've been offered a shower, there's nothing wrong with accepting!

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My cousin wants to throw me a baby shower. I said nothing to her about it she offered about a month ago. I would love to have one. My MIL told me how tacky this is. I am having baby #4. She hasn't bought me a baby gift since my daughter was born almost 8 years ago baby #1. Its not like I am asking her to come or buy a present. It would hurt my cousin's feelings if I told her I didn't want a shower. She has really thrown herself into planning and is having it in June. What should I do?

 

Have the shower!! If you can avoid inviting MIL then do - if it can't be avoided, then ignore her comments and/or have dh speak to her about dropping the attitude.

 

Everyone will have a different opinion about baby showers/parties after the first is born. As long as its not you asking someone to host your 3, 4, 5th shower then I don't think its tacky.

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My neighbors insisted on giving me a shower for my 4th baby, and they invited just a few of the women in our neighborhood. We had been here only a couple of years, and our 3 older children were born in another state.

 

The shower gifts were frozen casseroles, and that was very nice! I made it clear that I had tons of baby stuff, but they really wanted to do something. I really appreciated their generosity.

 

So you might suggest something like that instead of traditional baby gifts.

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Have the shower!

 

Have the shower!

 

All babies are important. It's okay to celebrate every new baby. People can just bring something small. If you register, don't register for anything super expensive.

 

Just a small fun party to celebrate the birth of a new baby. Definitely say yes to your cousin.

 

Okra

:iagree:

This baby can be celebrated just as much as a first born! Who couldn't use more diapers and wet ones? What about books? There are many unique gifts and it doesn't have to be expensive. Everyone loves at least a few new outfits for baby. I'd be sure to mention that you have your larger items already.

Have fun and don't feel guilty!

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The different POVs are interesting. I have always thought the point of a baby shower was to shower the mother with gifts, not to celebrate a new baby's arrival. New babies really don't care for celebrations anyway!

 

I would decline it personally. If you do have it, I would make it either no gifts or a "fill the freezer" theme -- because that makes the most sense for a mom of 4 with a newborn IMO!!

 

Or maybe a diaper shower if you plan to use disposable diapers? Personally disposables gross me out -- all those chemicals and human waste wrapped in a plastic bag and placed in our landfills -- and different brands can cause rashes (we used cloth).

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I'm of the mind that every baby deserves a celebration.

 

That said, I ended up planning/paying for my own shower for DS (after my mom offered to throw it, then didn't do any of the planning), and I didn't have one with DD 2 years later. My MIL & DH's aunts (her SILs) threw a shower for his cousin's girlfriend while I was expecting DD, and that really hurt my feelings because she already had 1 DS that was almost exactly 12 months older than the second DS. DH brought it up to his mom, and she said that they hadn't had a shower for her first because he wasn't DH's cousin's baby, but expected DS was. They didn't throw me a shower or attend my shower for DS & my MIL told DH that it was because they didn't want to show approval for having a baby before we were married. Real peaches in that family. :glare:

 

ETA: Let your friend throw you the party!!

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Don't invite your MIL. She sounds like a wet blanket.

 

I think it's fine to have a celebration for every baby. I chose to have a Mother Blessing (also called a Blessing Way) with my DS. It was a quiet afternoon with the women I loved the most to celebrate a new little life. I requested no baby presents, but a couple people brought them anyway. I did ask everyone to bring a bead and I made a necklace from them. It's one of my most treasured possessions.

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Have the shower! Those who want to come will come. Invite your family & friends that would want to come.

 

Every baby should be celebrated!!! In my family, they have one baby shower - for the 1st kid. BUT...in my mom's group there is a baby shower for EVERY baby, irregardless if it is #1 or #5. My mom's group has taken the opinion that every baby should be celebrated. Plus, by baby #4 you could likely use some new stuff :)

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One of my friends had a shower for her later baby and the theme was "bring a dish that can be frozen" for after the baby's arrival. I think the invitations were even taped into aluminum pans! Even if you don't have a food shower, I can't think of a better reason to have a party that to celebrate a baby.

 

Have fun and WHO CARES what others think!

 

Peace,

Rene

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Another note: My mom's group also blesses expecting mothers with 'gently used' stuff that is still in great condition like clothes, baby swings and strollers. At the last shower one mother commented how she loved seeing what the new mom got for gifts because she knew that when her next child was born some of those same gifts would be coming to her house! And this way it is not a financial burden for anyone :) At this last shower one little dress was being sent to it's third home. Such fun!

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I've never understood the thought that only the first baby deserves to be celebrated. Every baby should be celebrated!

I think it would be incredibly rude to turn down such a lovely offer. If people don't want to come, they don't have to. I'd tell your MIL to stick it. Have the shower (or a Sprinkle if you prefer to call it that) and enjoy that you have such wonderful people in your life.

I threw a shower for my neighbor a few weeks ago (she had her baby last night!) and it was her second boy in 2.5 years. No one cared! They came, we ate, played a few games and gave her some small gifts (every baby should have something that is just for them). It was a good time.

Two of my friends are throwing me a shower in 3 weeks for Han Solo, who will be boy #2. Of course there is going to be almost a 9 year gap between the boys and we have nothing left from Indy (we thought we were DONE), except his crib which I couldn't bring myself to get rid of. I wanted to keep it small, but as of right now there are just over 20 people coming with the possibility of more. We live in a small military community and a lot of people know dh and I and asked my friends who are throwing the shower if they could come, so it has (much to my surprise) mushroomed. What are you going to do? It would have hurt my friends' feelings if I had turned them down when they offered to do the shower for me. I'll go and smile and have a great time and if I get gifts, great. If not, I'll still be happy to be with my friends celebrating the fact that I'm having another baby.

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My first thought about the MIL was about her impolite response, but if OP asked, then I find her response acceptable. If it was unsolicited, then OP should train MIL not to give unsolicited advice, first of all by stopping the sharing of information.

 

Baby showers people hosted for me were not about my baby; they were about me. I got to pick out lots of stuff I liked for my baby, they all talked about me me me, they celebrated me being pregnant because they loved me.

 

We celebrated my children once they arrived, and neither one of them feels celebrated or not celebrated because of a baby shower.

 

Saying "No, thank you, but gosh, that is so kind of you to offer" is not rude. Saying, "What! You tacky, tacky piece of trash! How dare you think I would sink so low as to accept your disgusting offer of gifts!" is rude.

 

I find people who try to coerce me into a celebratory event and can't accept a polite "no, thank you" for an answer are control freaks disguised as a Miss Nicey Nice.

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I vote for a no-gift, get together to clelebrate the baby :)

 

ETA - 13 years ago, my closest girl friend wanted to have a shower for my 2nd son, who was a month premature. We had it after he was healthy enough to meet everyone, and I made it clear no one was required to bring anything. Some people still broughts gifts, though, and I heard later that about half the people there said that it was "tacky for me to accept gifts at a second shower". Just be aware....

Edited by SailorMom
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My cousin wants to throw me a baby shower. I said nothing to her about it she offered about a month ago. I would love to have one. My MIL told me how tacky this is. I am having baby #4. She hasn't bought me a baby gift since my daughter was born almost 8 years ago baby #1. Its not like I am asking her to come or buy a present. It would hurt my cousin's feelings if I told her I didn't want a shower. She has really thrown herself into planning and is having it in June. What should I do?

 

I just re-read your OP. Your cousin is already in planning mode, so you've already accepted, correct? If so, then I think you should go ahead and do it. At this point, it would be impolite of you to change your response.

 

Also, I want to clarify I don't think you are impolite to accept this act of kindness. It's just not what I would do. =)

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I say send MIL an invite to be polite but don't be surprised if she declines. If she says any more about it, end the conversation.

 

I don't think anything's wrong with having a shower for the fourth baby, since your cousin has offered. Surely there are things that you need. I needed very little for my second (except boy clothes, once he arrived), not much for my third except for a new infant carseat since ours expired, and several things for this baby, namely new cloth diapers and wipes, as mine have been well-used and worn out. If there's stuff like that, or if you would prefer disposable diapers and wipes, or if you really need opposite gender/season clothes, or whatever, I'd tell your cousin that so that maybe she could make gentle suggestions. I would not be offended by an invitation to a shower for a fourth baby -- all babies should be celebrated -- and I would love having ideas of what the mama needed.

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Baby showers people hosted for me were not about my baby; they were about me. I got to pick out lots of stuff I liked for my baby, they all talked about me me me, they celebrated me being pregnant because they loved me.

 

We celebrated my children once they arrived, and neither one of them feels celebrated or not celebrated because of a baby shower.

 

:iagree:

 

It's not a matter of gifts or no gifts for the baby, either. People are free to give gifts after a baby is born without a shower. Most of my family gave gifts for each of my dc, but it didn't require a shower.

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I think EVERY baby deserves to be celebrated. However, there are many people that don't share my enthusiasm. When I was pregnant with #5, a neighbor friend offered to throw me a baby shower and while I appreciated her thoughtfulness, I was glad she asked me first because I didn't want to have one.

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I vote for a no-gift, get together to clelebrate the baby :)

 

ETA - 13 years ago, my closest girl friend wanted to have a shower for my 2nd son, who was a month premature. We had it after he was healthy enough to meet everyone, and I made it clear no one was required to bring anything. Some people still broughts gifts, though, and I heard later that about half the people there said that it was "tacky for me to accept gifts at a second shower". Just be aware....

 

Your friends spoke like that about you? :(

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