Tap Posted February 22, 2011 Share Posted February 22, 2011 (edited) Ds and his ex-girlfriend broke up a month ago. She is still calling/texting him daily. He worries that if he tells her to stop, she may hurt herself. If he doesn't answer her texts/calls, when they do talk, she gets mad at him. He is happy to remain friends with her, but I think she is pushing the boundaries wayyy out by calling this often. SHe doesn't see that she is pushing him furthur away by doing this. On one had, I want to tell him to just cut all contact off. But on the other, I feel like he needs to work through this himself. Her family had her in counseling recently but she says it wasn't going well and she stopped going. This leads me to think that there may be even more going on behind the scenes that she is letting on to ds. Ds says she is quite emotional and had an eating disorder recently. WWYD? Edited February 22, 2011 by Tap, tap, tap Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Danestress Posted February 22, 2011 Share Posted February 22, 2011 How would your DS feel about you blocking her number? He could tell her that you did it, that he's sorry, and that she will have to call your phone and ask for him if she really needs him. I would not do this is your DS really didn't want you to, but I would press him for it. He might be happy to let you be the "bad guy" here. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kalmia Posted February 22, 2011 Share Posted February 22, 2011 Can you talk to her parents before you block her number on the phone? They should have a head's up to watch her very closely! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
2cents Posted February 22, 2011 Share Posted February 22, 2011 Maybe he could start a slow process of limiting her access to him. For example, start by cutting the phone contact by 50% by only answering half the time or by assigning a time when the calls will be accepted. Same thing for the texts. If she can't get immediate gratification every time she calls, she will hopefully be encouraged to move on. Sometimes a slow backing away from a relationship is easiest. Your son will have to be committed to staying the course though or it will not work. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Delighted3 Posted February 22, 2011 Share Posted February 22, 2011 Maybe your ds could gently suggest to her that they need a period of separation to regroup while they adjust to being just friends. My son had the same problem with his girlfriend and it was a huge help for them to agree not to have contact with each other for a certain amount of time. I believe they agreed to a 2 week period. This allowed them time to get in touch with other friends without falling back to the habit of calling each other. Of course, if she makes any indication that she may hurt herself to your son, then you should call 911. You don't want him to have to deal with being emotionally manipulated by her or for her to actually hurt herself. JMO, Joy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
arghmatey Posted February 22, 2011 Share Posted February 22, 2011 I would get him a new phone number and discuss it with her parents; I think tolerating it is enabling her and making her issues worse. Your child doesn't need to be sucked into the drama of an emotionally distressed person. That is a huge load for even an adult to handle. Why does he think she might hurt herself? If she's threatened to do so, I would definitely notify her parents at the very least. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DianeW88 Posted February 22, 2011 Share Posted February 22, 2011 You be the bad guy. I'd have him say that you don't want him spending so much time texting and on the phone, so he won't be able to respond to her all the time. That way he can wean her off it, so to speak. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rootsnwings Posted February 22, 2011 Share Posted February 22, 2011 OK #1 you need to explain to him that her threats to hurt herself are a means of emotional abuse. She's trying to manipulate him to get what she wants--she *thinks* she wants him but there is NOTHING he can offer her to make her happy. People who say things like that are selfish manipulators and I would tell him as such. Then pray he cuts all ties with her and learns from this experience. Hugs! What a tough/sad situation for you & ds!! :( Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jelbe5 Posted February 22, 2011 Share Posted February 22, 2011 Speaking as a professional I would contact the girls parents and then do what is necessary to help your ds cut all ties with this young lady. Unfortunately it sounds as though she has issues that require ongoing professional help but that is up to her family. This may sound harsh but your ds is not responsible for what this young lady does if he breaks with her. Trying to be "friends" is not a good idea at this time. I am sorry you are dealing with this. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kalanamak Posted February 22, 2011 Share Posted February 22, 2011 You be the bad guy. I'd have him say that you don't want him spending so much time texting and on the phone, so he won't be able to respond to her all the time. That way he can wean her off it, so to speak. :iagree: I also think, what ever route your son takes, she'll end up hating him and cutting off, not even wanting to be friends. Oh, and don't be surprised if there is some bad mouthing toss around, too. I remained on good terms with about half my romantic entanglements. One I just didn't want to, and I remember him cussing in the phone and telling me "I wasn't mature enough to remain friends with my exs". I replied "I remain friends with them if they treat me like a friend. You don't." When he wouldn't stop calling and whining about his new girlfriend, I told him if he didn't stop calling, I would call his mother and tell her everything he never wanted her to know about him. That put a screaming halt to it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LostSurprise Posted February 22, 2011 Share Posted February 22, 2011 If nothing else, I would make sure that her mother (parents) know what is going on and that he may be taking the calls less in the future. I would want to prepare for that if I was them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joanne Posted February 23, 2011 Share Posted February 23, 2011 Ds and his ex-girlfriend broke up a month ago. She is still calling/texting him daily. He worries that if he tells her to stop, she may hurt herself. If he doesn't answer her texts/calls, when they do talk, she gets mad at him. He is happy to remain friends with her, but I think she is pushing the boundaries wayyy out by calling this often. SHe doesn't see that she is pushing him furthur away by doing this. On one had, I want to tell him to just cut all contact off. But on the other, I feel like he needs to work through this himself. Her family had her in counseling recently but she says it wasn't going well and she stopped going. This leads me to think that there may be even more going on behind the scenes that she is letting on to ds. Ds says she is quite emotional and had an eating disorder recently. WWYD? I would work diligently with my son about learning that mentally ill people can be ill AND still be manipulative/toxic. I would work with him to know that he is not responsible for her, her safety, her not harming herself. She clearly does not respect boundaries AND he's sending mixed signals by continuing in interaction with her. It's not your job to convince her parents that she needs to return to therapy. I'd do all I could take make sure my son understood that he has the right to boundaries and there is not a connection,even if she tries to threaten or assert one, between her mental health/behavior and him having healthy boundaries. Block her number and all contact, but educate your son. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parrothead Posted February 23, 2011 Share Posted February 23, 2011 I'm with the block her number/get him a new number crowd. It is not your ds's responsibility to make sure she is not a danger to herself. If you really wanted to, call her mom and let her know that as of such and such a date (tomorrow) your son's phone will be changed. Put the responsibility for their daughter back on them not your son. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hockey Mom Posted February 23, 2011 Share Posted February 23, 2011 You be the bad guy. I'd have him say that you don't want him spending so much time texting and on the phone, so he won't be able to respond to her all the time. That way he can wean her off it, so to speak. :iagree: I used to tell DD to 'use me' as her safety net when she had similar situations. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tap Posted February 23, 2011 Author Share Posted February 23, 2011 DS and I talked more about this week. I suggested that he go with the 'no contact for 2 weeks' idea. He also said that she has started to see a phychiatrist again. I am going to nudge him, to cutting off ties, now, while she is under professional care. :) Thanks for helping me think this through. It helped a lot to hear everyone's ideas. ~Tap Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RanchGirl Posted February 25, 2011 Share Posted February 25, 2011 Has he tried delaying his responses, as in "busy right now, text you tomorrow." Polite but brief and disengaging. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Denisemomof4 Posted February 25, 2011 Share Posted February 25, 2011 He is happy to remain friends with her, but I think she is pushing the boundaries wayyy out by calling this often. SHe doesn't see that she is pushing him furthur away by doing this. WWYD? maybe he should tell her this? It would be good for her to know that he needs his space and she needs to respect that. He's not telling her he's cutting her out............. although contact could happen less and less. He's not going to want to talk to her if she's always getting angry at him anyway. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miss Sherry Posted February 25, 2011 Share Posted February 25, 2011 It stands out to me that your son worries that if he tells her to stop she may hurt herself. Because of this I think someone should talk to her parents. If he has a good rapport with her parents maybe he could talk to one of them and let them know what is going on. Maybe they would get her back in counseling. Does she attend public or private school ? If she attends p.s. and he does not want to speak to her parents maybe she has a counselor at school that he can speak to.I don't know if that's a good idea or not. Does she attend a church youth group ? If so, maybe there is an adult youth group leader that your son can speak to who will speak to her. But someone needs to speak to her parents. Ds and his ex-girlfriend broke up a month ago. She is still calling/texting him daily. He worries that if he tells her to stop, she may hurt herself. If he doesn't answer her texts/calls, when they do talk, she gets mad at him. He is happy to remain friends with her, but I think she is pushing the boundaries wayyy out by calling this often. SHe doesn't see that she is pushing him furthur away by doing this. On one had, I want to tell him to just cut all contact off. But on the other, I feel like he needs to work through this himself. Her family had her in counseling recently but she says it wasn't going well and she stopped going. This leads me to think that there may be even more going on behind the scenes that she is letting on to ds. Ds says she is quite emotional and had an eating disorder recently. WWYD? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Margaret in GA Posted February 25, 2011 Share Posted February 25, 2011 You be the bad guy. I'd have him say that you don't want him spending so much time texting and on the phone, so he won't be able to respond to her all the time. That way he can wean her off it, so to speak. :iagree: Yes, you could get his phone one day and write "This is X's mom and he is going to have to take a break from texting for a while. He's got too much going on right now and as his parent, I feel something had to give" And that's that. Block her number. And limit his texting anyway. Too much really is harmful, IMHO Margaret Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tammyla Posted February 25, 2011 Share Posted February 25, 2011 (edited) :iagree::iagree::iagree: Although, I would speak with her parents, because I'd want to know as a parent. I would work diligently with my son about learning that mentally ill people can be ill AND still be manipulative/toxic. I would work with him to know that he is not responsible for her, her safety, her not harming herself. She clearly does not respect boundaries AND he's sending mixed signals by continuing in interaction with her. It's not your job to convince her parents that she needs to return to therapy. I'd do all I could take make sure my son understood that he has the right to boundaries and there is not a connection,even if she tries to threaten or assert one, between her mental health/behavior and him having healthy boundaries. Block her number and all contact, but educate your son. Edited February 25, 2011 by Tammyla Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nono Posted February 25, 2011 Share Posted February 25, 2011 If it were a guy doing it to a gal, we'd call it stalking or harassment, wouldn't we?? Gavin DeBecker is VERY clear about this. No contact, ever. The only way to cut this behavior (according to DeBecker) is to announce no further contact, and then to abide by that promise. Otherwise what is taught is for the pursuer to keep at it, because eventually, the pursued wears down and responds. :grouphug: to your ds. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted February 25, 2011 Share Posted February 25, 2011 OK #1 you need to explain to him that her threats to hurt herself are a means of emotional abuse. She's trying to manipulate him to get what she wants--she *thinks* she wants him but there is NOTHING he can offer her to make her happy. People who say things like that are selfish manipulators and I would tell him as such. Then pray he cuts all ties with her and learns from this experience. Hugs! What a tough/sad situation for you & ds!! :( :iagree::iagree: Glad that she's back in therapy. Now would be the perfect time to go no contact. I agree with the posters that said what she's doing is emotional abuse. I would also call her parents and let them know that she's threatened suicide. Its something that they *need* to know, imo, and can pass along to the psychiatrist as well. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hedgehog Posted February 25, 2011 Share Posted February 25, 2011 If it were a guy doing it to a gal, we'd call it stalking or harassment, wouldn't we?? :iagree: I feel sorry for this girl, but she's not your DS's responsibility. As another poster rightly pointed out, even a grown, mature adult would find it hard to support someone like this. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kchara Posted February 25, 2011 Share Posted February 25, 2011 I would get him a new phone number and discuss it with her parents; I think tolerating it is enabling her and making her issues worse. Your child doesn't need to be sucked into the drama of an emotionally distressed person. That is a huge load for even an adult to handle. Why does he think she might hurt herself? If she's threatened to do so, I would definitely notify her parents at the very least. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AuntieM Posted February 25, 2011 Share Posted February 25, 2011 Tap, I'm assuming this is your son that endured the false accusations and trial earlier this year? This kid needs a break! He doesn't need to be preoccupied with her. Assure him that his concern and conduct have been admirable to date, but that it is officially no longer his responsibility (not like it ever was, just make it clear to him, kwim?). Agreeing with all that say either block her calls/texts or get him a new phone number. Now is a great time to transistion, knowing she's seeing a professional. I would definitely speak with her parents and let them know what is going on. I think I'd want to even suggest that they let the psychiatrist know so he can help her develop alternative coping mechanisms for when she gets that urge to call your son again. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miss Sherry Posted February 25, 2011 Share Posted February 25, 2011 :iagree::iagree::iagree: Although, I would speak with her parents, because I'd want to know as a parent. I would want someone to speak to her parents too. No need to be altogether cold and uncaring. However, I would also say to my son that he is not personally responsible for her actions. I would also encourage him to completely stop talking to her and block her. However, I still think her parents need a heads up. There's no harm in having some decency about it. But one side note. You can think you are doing someones parents a favor by letting them know about some destructive behavior of their teen but they may not necessarily see it that way. They may even turn on you. Ask me how I know. I've had it happen. So even though I think it is advisable to let the parents know what is happening ( in case she is hiding her strange behavior from them ) I would not be surprised if that kind of news would not be well received. It may be. You never know. Sometimes you just have to do what you think is right whether others appreciate it or not. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tap Posted February 25, 2011 Author Share Posted February 25, 2011 Thanks again, I have talked to him about a few suggestions here. We talked this morning and he says she has backed off the past few days (and before that he was at a 4 day retreat) so hopefully she is starting to move on. I am glad that we know she is getting a bit of help, it seems like her family life is a bit chaotic. She really appears to not really fit into her family and since I feel that way about mine, I can understand how she feels, with 'home' not really feeling comfortable. She told me several times how much she loved being at our house (ours is a fairly quite larger house-hers has 4 kids, 2 adults and 5 dogs in a very small home). Sometimes I wonder if her holding on, wasn't just holding on to ds, but the peace that he brought to her world. Oh well, what ever the reason...I am glad they have been able to end it amicably, but actually end it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BeckyFL Posted February 25, 2011 Share Posted February 25, 2011 OK #1 you need to explain to him that her threats to hurt herself are a means of emotional abuse. She's trying to manipulate him to get what she wants--she *thinks* she wants him but there is NOTHING he can offer her to make her happy. People who say things like that are selfish manipulators and I would tell him as such. Then pray he cuts all ties with her and learns from this experience. Hugs! What a tough/sad situation for you & ds!! :( :iagree: I had a friend who actually tried to commit suicide when she was young... over a guy. She always says that it is NOT someone else's responsibility to continue on with someone because they are threatening suicide. She said that it was her own instability. The guy could not do all she wanted and did not have the power to meet all of her needs. It's better to make a break and let her adjust than to drag things on indefinitely. JMHO Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RahRah Posted February 25, 2011 Share Posted February 25, 2011 Ds and his ex-girlfriend broke up a month ago. She is still calling/texting him daily. He worries that if he tells her to stop, she may hurt herself. If he doesn't answer her texts/calls, when they do talk, she gets mad at him. He is happy to remain friends with her, but I think she is pushing the boundaries wayyy out by calling this often. SHe doesn't see that she is pushing him furthur away by doing this. On one had, I want to tell him to just cut all contact off. But on the other, I feel like he needs to work through this himself. Her family had her in counseling recently but she says it wasn't going well and she stopped going. This leads me to think that there may be even more going on behind the scenes that she is letting on to ds. Ds says she is quite emotional and had an eating disorder recently. WWYD? For what it's worth - this above bolded behavior is screaming borderline personality disorder! You (or your DS) should read more about the disorder and make a decision on how to proceed if it does appear this is the case with this girl.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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