BMW Posted February 7, 2011 Share Posted February 7, 2011 I am really hoping to get some perspective because of my history... Without bashing any husbands... let's keep this about being wives... If you feel misunderstood... what do you do? If you have been offended? If you have been rejected or insulted (we're not talking in an abusive way, honestly... more of a... husband has been tired and irritated and just didn't show a caring response, but it's not at all a habit...)? How do you handle getting angry? How do you handle if a spouse seems selfish or rude? Because of an abusive 1st marriage, I do not take even a minor mishap very well... If dh acts in any way rejecting it is compounded to me (not sure hoe to word that, sorry)... and it's not his habit at all... he is not characterized by this. I tend to pull away fast and put up a wall right away. I am not sure how to communicate how important it is that even if he is tired or frustrated, when I feel rejected I will not handle it well... So, I guess I am hoping that some wise women will share something that I am missing. Because a whole lot of the time my dh is very caring and kind. I just don't know what to do when he is not... ! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jld Posted February 7, 2011 Share Posted February 7, 2011 (edited) Best wishes as you decide how best to handle this. :grouphug: Edited February 7, 2011 by jld Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peela Posted February 7, 2011 Share Posted February 7, 2011 We email each other when its too "hot" to talk. Recently I have come across some good things that I am using. One is Harville Hendixes Getting the Love You Want and Imago Therapy. WHen I taught my dh about using the technique of Bridging, it changed our ability to listen to each other and really feel heard and we use it a lot nowadays. The other is Non Violent Communication. I read the book last year sometime, but did a foundation workshop in it 2 weeks ago and I love it. Its been around for years. I have read other books over the years, such as The Surrendered Wife, which at the time was good for me but I have probably integrated it and moved on now. I find that the only person I can change is myself but that honing my communication skills helps a lot too. ANd if you have trauma left over from a previous marriage (or from anything), I really recommend getting some trauma counselling. I just keep on keeping on at it. ANother useful tool is The Work by Byron Katie. ANd really...my husband does not do any of this stuff. I do. I read the books and do the workshops- he is not interested. However, I find that is often enough, and if I can handle a situation well- the relationship benefits- and he grows too. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BMW Posted February 7, 2011 Author Share Posted February 7, 2011 Thanks, Peela. I know we don't bash our men here... but, in all reality, we have to be honest that there are times that really upset us... or irritate us... or times we get angry about something and lose our cool (just like our parenting moments, right?) So, I was hoping ladies would share some great wisdom... without pinpointing or downtalking the men... Thanks. I will take a loot at what you have offered as resources... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heather in Neverland Posted February 7, 2011 Share Posted February 7, 2011 We email each other when its too "hot" to talk. . We do this too and it really works well for us. It forces us to think about what we want to say instead of flying off the handle. Some of the sweetest conversations I have ever had with my dh have been via email. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ktgrok Posted February 7, 2011 Share Posted February 7, 2011 I wait until I settle down, then talk to my husband about it. I tell him that I know he is stressed out and tired, and doesn't mean to hurt me, but that I need ___________. I ask him how I can help him relieve his stress so that he can better meet my needs. he may not react well short term, but he does make changes based on this approach. Katie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
angela in ohio Posted February 7, 2011 Share Posted February 7, 2011 Well, I have a laundry list of times that I have not been a great wife, when I have been tired and crabby, and when I have let him down. When I compare whatever it is he has recently done to the times I have messed up, I am humbled and it is easier to forgive him. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
May Posted February 7, 2011 Share Posted February 7, 2011 I remember all the wonderful things he does for me and his family. I also don't take things personally when he comes home in a bad mood. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alice Posted February 7, 2011 Share Posted February 7, 2011 I'm not very good at this but I try and tell him when he's done something that bothers me. I would say 9 times out of 10 it's a misunderstanding. I've read too much into what he's said or totally misinterpreted what he meant. And 100% of the time it's helpful to talk about, even if it's not a misunderstanding. I'm not good at conflict as I grew up with parents who fought a lot. My natural instinct is to avoid conflict and to react by getting hurt and silent and being all passive-aggressive. But when I do confront him or tell him what I am thinking/feeling it's helpful. Here's a specific story which may help. This summer we were working on painting the kids' rooms. I could tell he was grumpy about doing it, which is unusual for him since he typically does a lot around the house very cheerfully. I felt like he wanted to get the painting done very quickly and that he had unrealistic expectations for what I could get done with the kids around. And then he seemed to be in a bad mood about doing it. I finally asked him what was bothering him and it came out that he felt like I was putting a huge priority on painting and had unrealistic expectations for how fast it was going to get done. (We had just moved and had a lot of other projects that needed to be done also). In the end we realized we both had thought that the other person really thought the painting was important and we were both trying to do it for the other person but being grumpy about it. Once we realized how stupid we both were we just decided to make the painting less of an issue. It got done but slower. But if I'd never brought it up we'd both have just been really grumpy and resentful. Another example, over Christmas he made a joke one night about my singing when we were trying to sing a carol for a family devotion. I'm tone-deaf and a terrible singer and I rarely if ever sing when people can hear me. I was really hurt since he knows it's something I'm sensitive about. In that case I just told him that I was hurt, he apologized and we moved on. If you don't own up to being hurt than the other person can't apologize and there can't be restoration. Hope that helps a bit. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MelanieM Posted February 7, 2011 Share Posted February 7, 2011 I try really hard to never, ever bring anything up when I'm angry. If I'm angry I go off to my corner, think about what is happening *with me* that is making me respond/feel that way, and then figure out what I need to do to change it. Almost every time it turns out that what is really making me angry is whatever internal dialog I have going on over what just happened, so I turn that around and diffuse the anger. Then usually, there's nothing to talk about at all. Other times I get into a better feeling place around it all and then let my husband know whatever it is I need from him. But regardless of the outcome, the important thing is I don't engage in discussion from a place of anger. I am also quick to apologize when I cross a line somehow, as is my husband. We try to treat each other respectfully and always extend the benefit of the doubt. I know he never does things just to bug/hurt me, and he knows the same of me. That goes a long way toward extending a little grace to ourselves and each other when we're not at our best. I also don't saddle my husband with the responsibility of making me happy, or satisfied, or fill in the blank. My happiness is my responsibility. Sure, sometimes I request something from him that I might need or desire. But whether I get it or not, the way I respond and the perspective I hold on things is all about me. If I need to feel better, that's my work, and I own that fully. My husband would say the same. We have a very happy marriage, never fight, and respect and love each other dearly. Neither of us is perfect, but we are certainly perfect for each other. :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
simka2 Posted February 7, 2011 Share Posted February 7, 2011 I will calmly say (even if I am not calm), "Honey, I 'm not responding to this well (emotionaly responding inside of myself) this feels very similar to this. Is that was it happening here? or is my feeler off?" Sometimes getting that scary thought out into the light...seeing the bewildered look of dh (because he did not mean to convey ALL THAT!) helps me readjust my emotional barometer. Then next time it happens it might be easier for me to do the same work inside my own head. I feel this. Is that what he was saying? or am I projecting more on to this? if I am projecting, what can I do to make myself feel better? Maybe I need to take a bath, a walk, chat with someone....or wait till things have calmed down and ask dh to hold me. Sometimes I will tell dh, "I KNOW you are not saying this, but I feel _____ right now. Could you please just remind for a second that you love me and you are not going to _____." My dh is a very understanding guy, when it comes to the trauma I have been thru. He regularly walks into it :D (and I don't expect him to walk on eggshells around me) so our solution is a kind of "trauma code." Like I described above. Again, this is a coping skill we have learned thru good counseling, if I remember correctly it took a counselor reassureing dh that this was not about HIM, so if he could just hold me (or whatever) it would help get thru the surge of emotion. Hope that helps...and it's a great question! Take care of you! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Starr Posted February 7, 2011 Share Posted February 7, 2011 And sometimes I rant :leaving: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DianeW88 Posted February 7, 2011 Share Posted February 7, 2011 Hmmm, let's see..Well, we've been married for almost 23 years (this April), and honestly, we don't really argue all that much. If there is a disagreement, we usually use humor to diffuse it, and then we laugh and we can talk it out. Or else we'll hug each other or kiss and that mellows things out really quickly, too. I guess neither one of us gets offended if someone is having an off day. I just figure, he's having a bad day and it has nothing to do with me. So, my advice would be...try not to take it personally. If my dh seems to be grumpy or distant, if I go sit in his lap and hug him....that'll work. :D And, then we can talk about it without any strong negative emotions on either side. I'll usually say, "How come you're being a grump? Did you have a bad day at work?" or something similar. But, like I said....we don't really argue. We're too old and tired now to bother. :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
goldberry Posted February 7, 2011 Share Posted February 7, 2011 I try not to address the problem while in the middle of it. If it is too much, I will remove myself. Then later on, when the time is better, I will address it in a calm manner, being very specific and honest. You can't be vague with men, they don't get it! Most things I try not to take too personally. I make allowances for crankiness due to stress, work, etc. (We try to bring humor into it, we call it "bulldog mode" when for some reason everything comes out "barking"! Humor is a good tool.) If something becomes an ongoing issue rather than an isolated issue, then I will address it at an appropriate time. Timing is everything. Also using the tools already mentioned, not communicating in a blaming way, but in a "here's what I'm feeling, can you tell me what you're feeling or what's going on..." PS, tomorrow is our 25th anniversary...:001_wub: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elfgivas Posted February 7, 2011 Share Posted February 7, 2011 humour is good : ). if it really bothered me, i journal: a) what happened (i work on this until i can state it in language that is not emotional, or confrontational or assigns blame) b) how i felt (i work on this until i have it all down there. i know its all there when i can go on to number 3 without new emotions surfacing) c) why i think it happened (i work on this one a fair bit, too). d) what i need e) what i'm going to do next then i am ready to talk about it. for smaller things, i tend to go quiet at the time if a quick quip doesn't emerge, and then mention it briefly later. fwiw, ann Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mejane Posted February 7, 2011 Share Posted February 7, 2011 I know this is not popular, but I vent to my aunt or girlfriends. It often becomes humorous and makes me realize I'm being overly sensitive or expecting too much, plus they will commiserate which makes me feel not so alone. Dh and I usually have a blow-out argument about twice a year, too. Sounds awful, but it clears the air and then we're good for another six months or so. :001_smile: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peela Posted February 7, 2011 Share Posted February 7, 2011 I know this is not popular, but I vent to my aunt or girlfriends. It often becomes humorous and makes me realize I'm being overly sensitive or expecting too much, plus they will commiserate which makes me feel not so alone. The truth is that this has helped me many, many times over the years, as well- I am pretty sure it is natural for a woman to want to talk it out with friends. It does depend on who I share with, but I have learned who NOT to share with pretty well from experience (eg my mother). If I share with the right person, I feel supported and it does help me get things in perspective- and at the same time I know they are mature enough not to think any less of dh. I know there is a big no no about sharing with other women and its because there can be a tendency for it to get very catty and not go anywhere healthy. But if one is aware of that possibliity, and has appropriate friends or relatives, I think it is as valid an option as any. Sometimes we just need to be heard and our dh is not in the right space to be bombarded. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kristinannie Posted February 7, 2011 Share Posted February 7, 2011 I think you need to have a heart to heart with your husband. You were in an abusive relationship and of course that damaged you emotionally. There will be certain things that will really upset you that might not bother most people. He needs to be aware of what those things are so that he can try to avoid them and also give you some understanding when he crosses a line. I was emotionally abused as a child and raped when I was in college. My husband is VERY aware of what will really upset me and is usually pretty careful. He does cross the line every once in awhile and I have to explain to him what happened and why I was so upset. Sometimes he can't connect the dots. Men really do need to be told things outright and not just have us hint at things. I will pray for you and your husband. I truly think that communication is the key here. Just make sure you are calm when you talk to him and explain which kinds of behaviors are going to upset you and why. I am sure he would love to know why you get upset seemingly out of nowhere. It sounds like you have a nice husband who just needs a little more information! God bless. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Audrey Posted February 8, 2011 Share Posted February 8, 2011 I usually just say "why did you say that?" or "why did you do that?" and it is enough to jar him out his funk or whatever it is that is making him feel that way. Then he'll say why he's ticked off or upset and we can talk it through. He's a reactor. I'm a processor. In between, we can usually work it through. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laurie4b Posted February 8, 2011 Share Posted February 8, 2011 I am really hoping to get some perspective because of my history... Without bashing any husbands... let's keep this about being wives... If you feel misunderstood... what do you do? I tell him that I don't think he's understanding me If you have been offended?I tell him what I'm offended about If you have been rejected or insulted (we're not talking in an abusive way, honestly... more of a... husband has been tired and irritated and just didn't show a caring response, but it's not at all a habit...)?If I'm behaving myself, I will tell him that what he said was insulting; if I'm not behaving myself, I will snipe back How do you handle getting angry?Not sure what you're asking. I do a whole range of things when I'm angry from mature things like discussing it to immature things like sniping to coping strategies such as walking away if I think I'm going to blow up. How do you handle if a spouse seems selfish or rude? Honestly dh is rarely selfish on purpose or rude Because of an abusive 1st marriage, I do not take even a minor mishap very well... If dh acts in any way rejecting it is compounded to me (not sure hoe to word that, sorry)... and it's not his habit at all... he is not characterized by this. I tend to pull away fast and put up a wall right away. I am not sure how to communicate how important it is that even if he is tired or frustrated, when I feel rejected I will not handle it well... So, I guess I am hoping that some wise women will share something that I am missing. Because a whole lot of the time my dh is very caring and kind. I just don't know what to do when he is not... ! Answers in your text. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liz CA Posted February 8, 2011 Share Posted February 8, 2011 WHen I taught my dh about using the technique of Bridging, it changed our ability to listen to each other and really feel heard and we use it a lot nowadays. Can you describe how bridging works? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liz CA Posted February 8, 2011 Share Posted February 8, 2011 Can you describe how bridging works? Bumping it because I still don't know what "bridging" is. Too lazy to google and read 321 articles that do not really explain anything. :bigear: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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