Thriving on Personal Time & Space--is this you?

[CalicoKat]

It is me. I find that I need a certain amount of me-time to rejuvenate and be ready to give to my kids. I guess I'm an introvert?

 

So how does an introvert survive and thrive in a large family? I used to find my time when the kids went to bed (7 pm). I could sit and be and do by myself quietly.

 

Recently I had to give away some of my evening time because the kids are growing up. Now we've got bedtimes staggered in 30 min intervals from 7-8:30 p.m. The kids still take another 45 min. to settle down after their bedtimes and be quiet.

 

So I'm absolutely tired & drained emotionally by 9:45 p.m. My usual bedtime is 10 pm. So that leaves 15 min. for me, if I go to bed. But because I need me-time I've been staying up . . . way later than is recommended for a mom of many. Here I am weeks later, exhausted & emotionally exhausted all the time.

 

Dh's work is keeping him busy and for the sake of job security it isn't wise for him to cut back right now.

 

Do I just need to get over my perceived need for me-time? Tis a season and just deal with it?

 

I don't want to be around my kids today until I can feel comfortable in my own skin.

[Dayle in Guatemala]

Part of it is a season in your life. It's a relatively short time when all is said and done, but, there is a real need also for "you time".

 

I've used the afternoons for that when I've needed to. I will make sure they are all okay and occupied (when they were younger they went to their rooms to read or play quietly and listen to music) and then I go to my room, lock the door (because of a certain 13 year old who likes to just walk in whenever!) and take about an hour to myself.

 

I make sure they know it's mom's time and I would appreciate not being interrupted until the timer goes off in the kitchen unless it's an absolute emergency. It's been great and works well, usually!:glare:

[dragons in the flower bed]

So how does an introvert survive and thrive in a large family? I used to find my time when the kids went to bed (7 pm). . . . But because I need me-time I've been staying up

 

Wow, that is exactly me. I do think I'm an introvert. I like people, but I find they drain me. Being alone fills me back up. My kids all go to bed at 7, still. I guard and honor that 7 o'clock bedtime because it allows me to maintain my ability to do all of what I do. When they were smaller, my ex would take them for a walk around the block in their strollers as soon as he got home from work. My partner takes the kids out once a week for a whole day so I can have extra alone time.

 

If possible, I'd advise you to revert to a different bedtime routine. Or, maybe from 7 on can be in-your-room-till-it's-your-turn-to-shower time. When I explain my personal need for alone time to my kids (in the same way I do above, using a battery analogy), they are understanding and respectful, and don't object to staying in their rooms quietly after bedtime even if they're not tired.

[Snickerdoodle]

I don't think I'm an introvert at all but if I don't get a certain amount of "me" time every single day, then I can be a bear.

 

My kids are still little but I am seeing how a 7pm bedtime isn't going to last forever and I'm dreading it. I don't want to be up until midnight every night just to get some alone time.

[dangermom]

We have quiet time for a while after lunch, and I need it! Our kids go to bed at about 7.30 and have reading time for a while before lights out. You might want to do something similar--have everyone winding down in their rooms until their actual bedtimes.

[Frontier Mom]

Yes, the hardest thing to me about home education is always having people around. My dh is a people-person, which is probably a good thing since he is a pastor. Me, I'm a loner and that makes it really hard with our educationally choice. However, I feel called to home educate but I still fight this battle daily.

 

My dh and I just had this conversation the other day. I showed him all the things I need blocks of time to complete like going through TOG that I plan to use next year, scheduling for next year in each subject, purging books and resorting bookshelves, changing out my summer clothes, etc. He said he had some things to do and he was going to take the kiddos for some of these, leaving me at home. For instance, he is going to see his parents one day and leave me home!! That will be a whole day.

 

I also have my computer in our learning room upstairs. No TV, no noise. At night or when the dc's go outside, I can escape to a quiet spot to read, browse the net, study, etc. I like having a quiet place to go when I need it. And, yes, sometimes I even tell me dc's to go watch TV, play Playstation or watch a DVD to allow myself much needed time and space.

 

It does get better as they get older. Hang in there, I can sympathize.

[Heather in the Kootenays]

 

Do I just need to get over my perceived need for me-time? Tis a season and just deal with it?

 

 

My need for for me-time is very real and it's not something I can get over.

 

In our house, we dealt with it by letting dh handle bedtime. but I only have 2. Perhaps move their bedtime up or wean them off the need for so much of you. Or get up early or institute an afternoon quiet time.

 

No real suggestions here but I wanted to say that it's real and fighting it (at least for me) makes things worse.

[Heather in the Kootenays]

Obviously I need to work on that quote function. Next time.

[elegantlion]

That is me as well. In fact my dh and ds are the same way. We are all space people. My dh and I have never shared a desk or a computer, I find it hard to share the same closet, LOL.

 

Even though it's just us three I have found having a defined space for me is critical. In the house I have my desk with my laptop. Ds can use it, but only with permission, he has his own desktop.

 

My dh has his own office. Granted he is self-employed but it really more just his space.

 

I also take time for myself. My dh gets up early and works late, lately working 6 days a week. I take my time on Sundays. I just take the car and disappear for a couple of hours. Granted I ususally go to Goodwill and look for good books but it's me alone time. My dh has learned to read the signs of when I just need to be alone.

[6packofun]

This is very much me, but I've found that the more I give of myself sacrificially to others, the more I am motivated to make my "Me Time" that much more renewing to my mind, body and spirit.

 

Before we began serving more at church/in life and before I started really taking stock of how much I was giving of myself (without griping! LOL), my time alone was pretty much just blobbing around. hehe I wasn't putting any effort into HOW I was spending my time off by myself, I just knew that I wanted the stinking time!!

 

Now, I have less time to myself, but when I have it, I make it count. That doesn't mean that I don't veg in front of the t.v. sometimes and sometimes I still fall into the trap of doing school planning and end up being less refreshed and more stressed. lol But I try to plan my "Me Time" to be as fruitful for ME as it can be. That can be reading something meaningful (not necessarily the Bible, and not necessarily somethng from my 888 list either!), or working out or just walking and enjoying creation or scrapbooking and praying for the child whose photos I'm scrapping. :) Little things like that give purpose to my renewal and I feel more balanced when I get back to giving all of me again.

[Little Debbie]

I only have two: ds9 and dd7, but we've always had a quiet time after lunch. When they were babies it was nap time, of course, but as they got older I explained that Mommy needed the quiet time to catch up on things or just relax without them being underfoot. Sometimes I got work done, sometimes I read a book or whatever charged me up for the second half of the day. We don't always do quiet time on a daily basis. Some days we need to run errands or finish school...whatever.

 

As the kids got older and bedtime got pushed back to a little later time, I made it known that I would be "off duty" by 8 o'clock (set your own time). They could stay up and read in their beds until an agreed upon time and then lights out. If they wanted to be checked on while they're awake or tucked in by me, they had to be in bed by 8 o'clock or all guarantees were null and void. This helped keep them focused and not be running around when they were supposed to be getting ready for bed. They knew I meant business when 8 o'clock rolled around and they heard me running my bath water. This has become my nightly ritual. A hot bath and a good book or magazine really helps me to wind down. The kids are asleep by 9 o'clock, which leaves some adult entertainment time for dh and me (if we choose) and I still get a decent night's sleep for the next day. HTH!

 

Deb

[amyable]

:grouphug:

 

I hope this turns into one of those 5 page long threads, because I too can use all the advice I can get on this! :) I'm an extreme introvert in a family of talkative little girls (where is the hide under a rock icon??). I teach the kids all day (and can't use the "quiet time" for me because nap for the littles is the ONLY time we can seem to get read alouds and other school done) - then when dh comes home he needs my company too.

 

Two unexpected things that have helped me need less ME time are routines and picking a curriculum that feeds off MY needs LOL. When things are more calm and routinized (which is very relative in this high stress household! :glare:) I can get away with less time for myself. Also, we switched to using Sonlight, and all that reading really feeds my soul.

 

I was once discussing this with a friend, and we came to the conclusion that some of the "me time searching" may be misguided (hmmm, poor word choice but I can't think of exactly what I mean). Here's what I'm trying to explain: I get tired and stressed from parenting, night nursing, etc, and then stay up late trying to have "me time" - when if I would just *go to bed* and get extra sleep (and also eat better) I wouldn't *be* as stressed and need the *me time*. So my friend and I were at times feeding what was the perceived need (me time) but not the REAL need (rest/nutrition), ywim??

 

Gotta run - I was trying to steal a minute of me time on the computer and now everyone is getting in trouble. :tongue_smilie:

[6packofun]

:grouphug:

 

Gotta run - I was trying to steal a minute of me time on the computer and now everyone is getting in trouble. :tongue_smilie:

 

 

LOL That's what you get for taking a Me Minute!!! ;)

[Tracey in TX]

It's not a sign of an introvert, but someone who thrives on a balance of family mayhem and quiet time. (I'm the quintessential extrovert who needs quiet to get pumped for the next part of the day.)

 

Sometimes I go to bed before the children. I don't do well in evenings, but love early morning. That's the best way for me to begin the day. It does get better as the kiddos get older.

 

We do something called "Person of the Day". Each child gets 15 min (or more) after everyone else's bedtime to talk, hang out with me. It's our only version of one-on-one time during the week.

[JennifersLost]

I learned to shut my bedroom door and not feel guilty. When my kids got old enough so that the three year old was the youngest I began to work in my bedroom or office for an hour or so at a time....

 

I was "listening" of course, and would come right out if things got crazy. The youngest had to be inside during this time, but the kids learned that bugging me or making me come out to see what was happening led to SERIOUS CONSEQUENCES!

 

I explained what I was doing. I was available at other times. I'm a real loner and kids 24/7 was hard for me. Now that my youngest is six I have lots of time alone.

[Jennifer in NH]

I love this thread! This is so me!

What I have been doing lately is the following:

 

On those rare nights when dh is home and not out of town, he puts the toddler to bed. That is Heaven! About once every 2 or 3 weeks he puts them all to bed and I go to my room around 6 or 7 pm...shut the door and either read or just relax and go to bed early.

 

Daily, I have all the kids play with each other in a different room while I just have some time here with you all...about 20 minutes is what I get....that holds me for a few hours. At this time I am usually photocopying and multitasking, but i am by myself and that is what I need.

The toddler goes to bed at 7 pm and the older two go to bed (in bed) by 8 pm. They get to choose a story to listen to on cd...we have so many to choose from but usually the boy chooses a Boxcar Children story and the girl chooses a Magic tree House story...they normally fall asleep sometime during the story, but not always. about 85 percent of the time they are in bed for the night. At the moment that is my me time.

[Heather in Neverland]

Wow. I'm glad I am not the only one. I am an extrovert for short spells! :D I can only take it in small doses and then I need to retreat. If I don't get some down time things get ugly. Luckily, my dh can sense when I am about to blow and he will shuttle the kids off to some other area of the house and leave me alone for a while. But on a daily basis I end up staying up too late and miss out on sleep. Looking forward to even more responses on this!

[Kim in Appalachia]

I like to do Pilates in the afternoon. I go to my room and shut the door. I take just 20 minutes, but it feels good. It is usually 20 minutes of quiet. Focusing on the exercise is quite calming. I have found that to be a refreshing time.

 

I also try to take 15 minutes after the lunch rush is done. That is usually computer time. I don't always get that though.

 

When I have had enough sleep, I get up and walk/run around 6:00 in the morning.

 

I find I need lots of little moments through my day, but it does help. It makes me a better mom. I can handle a lot more when I have that time to myself.

[CalicoKat]

It's not a sign of an introvert, but someone who thrives on a balance of family mayhem and quiet time. (I'm the quintessential extrovert who needs quiet to get pumped for the next part of the day.)

 

Sometimes I go to bed before the children. I don't do well in evenings, but love early morning. That's the best way for me to begin the day. It does get better as the kiddos get older.

 

We do something called "Person of the Day". Each child gets 15 min (or more) after everyone else's bedtime to talk, hang out with me. It's our only version of one-on-one time during the week.

 

 

I love your "Person of the Day." What a great way to have focused time with each kid.

[Aubrey]

I think that's what's been wrong w/ me lately. I know I'm an extreme introvert, but usually being around the dc & dh doesn't count, kwim?

 

BUT...at this point, it's been months since I've had *any* time away from the dc. For the past 4 weeks or so, dh has been really preoccupied w/ final papers, final exams, & these immediately upon the heels of finishing training at work.

 

So he's been gone a lot & distracted/unavailable when he's here, plus we've only got one car, so other outlets have been less available. It's been me & the kids. Think big-eyed, crazy stares lately.

 

Realizing that that's probably part of what's been causing things around here to unravel has helped. Finals are over 5/7, & dh is taking the dc. In the meantime, I've been taking him to work more often, even if it means picking him up at 10PM w/ 3 dc in tow.

 

I know it sounds counter-intuitive, but sometimes being out in public helps to balance the introverted part of me. Whereas at home, I can have a tendency to recede into a cave so far that I can't even find myself. The kids seem to notice this, lol.

[kimmyandgracie]

I have definately got to have my me time, too. I work night shift, so I'm a night owl and get a lot of my me time after the kids go to bed.

Also, I completely agree with the point about choosing curriculum that feeds my soul, too. I consider myself to be the oldest homeschool student, and I definately count my own vote in our curriculum choices.

[freethinkermom]

Personal space and personal time are extremely important to me. As a child both were denied, I would even go as far as saying they were forbidden, to me (my childhood was complicated).

 

Now I cherish my space and time. I must have time to be creative, read, write, or just think quietly. We have really adapted much of our homeschool style and daily life to be respectful of not only my need for personal space, but to teach the kids to cherish and respect their own too. We had some bumpy moments earlier in the year, but all is going smoothly now.

[CalicoKat]

Personal space and personal time are extremely important to me. As a child both were denied, I would even go as far as saying they were forbidden, to me (my childhood was complicated).

 

Now I cherish my space and time. I must have time to be creative, read, write, or just think quietly. We have really adapted much of our homeschool style and daily life to be respectful of not only my need for personal space, but to teach the kids to cherish and respect their own too. We had some bumpy moments earlier in the year, but all is going smoothly now.

Hmm... never thought about how my childhood influenced my need for space. I spent 7 years in a boarding school from 5th grade to junior in HS. But then again, I think it's just genetic. My sisters and parents have always needed tons of space.

[CalicoKat]

:grouphug:

 

I hope this turns into one of those 5 page long threads, because I too can use all the advice I can get on this! :) I'm an extreme introvert in a family of talkative little girls (where is the hide under a rock icon??). I teach the kids all day (and can't use the "quiet time" for me because nap for the littles is the ONLY time we can seem to get read alouds and other school done) - then when dh comes home he needs my company too.

 

Two unexpected things that have helped me need less ME time are routines and picking a curriculum that feeds off MY needs LOL. When things are more calm and routinized (which is very relative in this high stress household! :glare:) I can get away with less time for myself. Also, we switched to using Sonlight, and all that reading really feeds my soul.

 

I was once discussing this with a friend, and we came to the conclusion that some of the "me time searching" may be misguided (hmmm, poor word choice but I can't think of exactly what I mean). Here's what I'm trying to explain: I get tired and stressed from parenting, night nursing, etc, and then stay up late trying to have "me time" - when if I would just *go to bed* and get extra sleep (and also eat better) I wouldn't *be* as stressed and need the *me time*. So my friend and I were at times feeding what was the perceived need (me time) but not the REAL need (rest/nutrition), ywim??

 

Gotta run - I was trying to steal a minute of me time on the computer and now everyone is getting in trouble. :tongue_smilie:

Yes, next year's curriculum is a departure from what we're doing now. I didn't realize it until you worded it the way above that I was influenced by my desire to read during daylight hours, for hours, by myself. :) We're going to attempt Robinson Curriculum with a twist of Ambleside Online.

 

I'd originally thought we'd use Biblioplan. I will have that around to fall back on if RC fails. I've just gotta give RC a decent try, it sounds marvelous to this frazzled mommy.

[CalicoKat]

Part of it is a season in your life. It's a relatively short time when all is said and done, but, there is a real need also for "you time".

 

I've used the afternoons for that when I've needed to. I will make sure they are all okay and occupied (when they were younger they went to their rooms to read or play quietly and listen to music) and then I go to my room, lock the door (because of a certain 13 year old who likes to just walk in whenever!) and take about an hour to myself.

 

I make sure they know it's mom's time and I would appreciate not being interrupted until the timer goes off in the kitchen unless it's an absolute emergency. It's been great and works well, usually!:glare:

"Unless there's blood, puke, or a broken bone don't interrupt me!" That's what I tell my kids. I hate to say that I'm "off duty" since it suggests that one can possibly "turn off" your kids -- :lol: But you're absolutely right that the kids need to know Mom is good, but she also needs a rest period.

 

Yesterday noon DH came home:D. I got a nap in and I was able to quiet my soul so that it was comfortable in my own skin again. He said he'd realized that he'd worked waaay to much last week and he needed a break and figured I did too. It could have been my weepy a.m. phone call that inspired him too. . .

 

Last night I sat the kids down and told them that later bedtimes were a priviledge reserved for older kids who knew how to occupy themselves, go to be without complaint, and stay in bed without waking all the littles or making a ruckus. If any one couldn't do this then we'd have to readjust their bedtime to earlier so that I would have the time I need in the evening to have quiet.

 

It was a beautiful evening. The kids still had their later bedtimes, and I finally got a moment to breathe fresh air (not the kind recycled by 5 littles clammoring around me). We'll see if it lasts tonight.

[profmom]

Recently I had to give away some of my evening time because the kids are growing up. Now we've got bedtimes staggered in 30 min intervals from 7-8:30 p.m. The kids still take another 45 min. to settle down after their bedtimes and be quiet.

 

So I'm absolutely tired & drained emotionally by 9:45 p.m. My usual bedtime is 10 pm. So that leaves 15 min. for me, if I go to bed. But because I need me-time I've been staying up . . . way later than is recommended for a mom of many. Here I am weeks later, exhausted & emotionally exhausted all the time.

 

 

I completely understand! We handle this by having the kids be in bed by 8:00 and saying that they can read in their beds until 9:00. So, even my 11 yo is supposed to be in bed either reading or going to sleep at 8:00. We aren't always strict with the 8:00 time (so it sometimes slips into 8:15 or 8:30). However, we can tell a huge difference when we aren't, so we do try.

[Oakblossoms]

I'm an introvert, too. If I don't get down time everyday then I fall into depression. It's horrible, too. I find myself angry, complaining, and just falling apart.

 

I've had to give up on some of the things I wish I could do for the kids. But, I think it's better when we are getting along and I'm not depressed like that.

 

We go to a homeschool center every day right now. So, I need to decompress from that as well.

 

Finding out I was an introvert was a really helpful tool for me. It help me to understand that how I would serve as a Christian, Mother, Wife, Friend, daughter etc etc...is going to look a bit different at times. I won't ever be a big leader in my relationships. I'm quiet, sensitive and to the point. That is hard for some people. I'm a bit too up front and inquisitive some times, but it's really because if I beat around the bush too long than I'll have to spend way too much time decompressing.

[WTMCassandra]

We don't have a large family, but I am an introvert and need recharging time. We are strict with afternoon rest/read time like Jesse Wise talks about in WTM, at least on the days we are at home. We are also strict with an 8pm bedtime, although we will probably modify this soon to be in the bed reading by 8pm as our children are getting older.

 

Also, I tend to retreat into the master bedroom somewhat on Saturday and Sunday afternoons to sleep, have devotions, and read. DH mostly takes over parenting on those days.

 

I also try to do individual retreats once or twice a year where I can spend extended time in Bible study, spiritual reading, refreshing reading, and be BY MYSELF for 2-3 days.