Neighborly discord - advice requested

[Sunkirst]

I'd like some advice for handling an uncomfortable situation. I live in a cozy inner-ring suburb. By cozy, I mean that our lots are teeny-tiny and we're less than 10 ft. from our neighbors on both sides.

 

Ever since we've moved in we've had troubles with our "right-hand" neighbor (just the wife - the husband's a super nice guy). The problem boils down to the fact that she's super sensitive to noise (she also has some medical issues that make her fatigued and irritable). Super-sensitive means that she's complained to us about the clink our gate makes when my dh has to work late, or the beep-beep of our car when we open the door in the driveway (we often park on the street if it's late so we don't disturb her).

 

In the past year we've adopted a couple of dogs. They're young, but they're good dogs and they get plenty of walks and discipline. Knowing neighbor's disposition we're careful to not let them bark after dark -- but accidents do happen (when one is indisposed or tucking kids into bed etc.) These accidents are infrequent, generally caused when a possum or a cat is near, and result in no more than 3 - 5 minutes of barking (I'm not fudging the time - I actually stopped singing a bedtime song the other night to rush downstairs to call in the dogs.)

 

So, in the past 6 months we've had 4 visits from the dog warden for noise complaints (filed anonymously). I've spoken to all of my neighbors (before any violations) to let them know that I would appreciate knowing if the dogs are a nuisance when I'm out. Everyone says they're fine. I actually spoke to the noise sensitive neighbor after the first violation, to ask if she had called. She said she hadn't.

 

My dh and I will, of course, try to be even better about the dogs, but we can't be perfect. Thus far we have not been fined, as the dogs have never been barking when the police stop by, but the fines are sizable (last night an officer sat in our drive for a half an hour listening - he was annoyed that he was wasting his time - he had just come from a drug bust).

 

Do I confront this neighbor with no proof? I've considered finding a mediator (she tend anger easily and scream a lot), but can make no headway if I don't know who is being bothered.

 

Any words of advice?

[Jean in Newcastle]

Get them a bark collar. This is too much stress for you and whether it is "fair" or not, someone is reporting them.

[Journey]

You can't confront her. She is unreasonable in that dogs bark. We all know that and we all know there is nothing we can do to make them not bark. I have two Jack Russells who bark sometimes. My neighbors don't complain but I don't want the barking to bother them, so I bring them in immediately. It stinks because sometimes they want to be outside. So, if I were you, I would just let the dogs out to do their thing and bring them right back in. I'm sorry that this neighbor has health issues but she has to realize that people have to live their lives. I just thought of something....why don't you talk to her husband instead?

[Anne in CA]

We have almost the same situation, so I feel your pain. We only have one dog, but we live very quietly because of a very sick neighbor. He has made complaints about our dog and I felt bad that the dog disturbs his rest.

 

On the other hand, you just cannot do things like park on the side street and other things if she is doing this. You might very carefully write her a note and let her know that you will get rid of the dogs if you get another complaint, but that you will no longer worry about the gate, or the noise the car makes. In other words you might let her know that you will no longer accomodate her at all if she is not going to appreciate what you have done. Yes, there probably will be a problem, but there is a point where you cannot let her deprive your family of resources for little cause.

 

Some people cannot be worked with. I have worked in customer service for years and there is a sort of person that will be so nice to your face, but may have a screaming fit or do something behind your back when they have the slightest inconvenience, and you just can't waste too much energy on such people. They will bleed you dry. You make a morgage payment too, you have certain right to live as you want in your own house. If she needs that much quiet she should move to the courntry.

 

I know I sound harsh, because I would certainly pray for her, and I pray for my neighbor, and we do accomodate him. But there is a line between catering to my neighbor and my own family enjoying the home we paid for.

[Puma Mom]

I wouldn't confront the neighbor. I don't see that there would be any point to it.

 

I would continue to do your best to keep the barking to a minimum and, as Anne suggests, stop catering to the neighbor's extreme sensitivity. I wouldn't go out of my way to make noise, but I certainly wouldn't park my car on the road so that the neighbor wouldn't hear the normal car noises.

 

If she complains to you about the clink of the gate or other minor and normal noise, make a sympathetic face and say, "I know it must be difficult not to be able to filter out the normal noises of life." No need to apologize or promise to do better since you haven't done anything wrong.

 

If the dog warden comes by again, explain about the neighbor and the other noises she complains about.

[Hedgehog]

I don't think you're doing anything wrong at all, with the exception that you are probably too concerned about this neighbour!! I'm sorry - but neighborhoods are neighborhoods, and if she doesn't care to hear anyone's noise then maybe she should move someplace where she won't hear anyone. I mean, it's just a bit ridiculous. It's your house, you're minding your own business. There's nothing wrong with getting in and out of your car outside your own house, and going through and shutting your gate. Loads of people have dogs, and dogs sometimes bark a bit. Sheesh. Your neighbor lady should try living in my neighborhood - she wouldn't know what had hit her.

 

I would say - just ignore it. Just live. Let the noise officer buddy come and sit outside your house; they'll soon realise the "offensive noise report" is a load of twaddle!

Edited December 3, 2010 by Hedgehog

[grace'smom]

At some point, when the police have checked several times and your dogs are not actually barking, do they ever report that they are not barking and consider that perhaps someone is just harrassing you? People should not be able to report your dogs as a nuisance without the police actually documenting it before fining you. And they should not be able to harrass you by constantly bringing the police to your door for an average dog barking. That's not what police are for...

[jujsky]

We once had the animal control officer stop by and another time (shortly after) we had an irate neighbor stop by who obviously had something against German Shepherds (she kept talking about how they have a loud, "GS bark," and how "those kind of dogs" are vicious, etc). This was a woman we had never even met. We live in a mixed development of condos, townhouses, and single-family homes & her townhouse is in back of our house. She was mad because she sleeps during the day (not really my problem, and frankly it's sort of stupid to buy a townhouse in a family-oriented neighborhood brimming with children and dogs if you have to sleep during the day. Ours are not the only dogs that bark, nor are they the only GS that bark in our neighborhood) and was extremely rude in the way she approached me. If she had been nice about it, I would have bent over backwards to help, but she was so over-the-top rude that I really just wanted to haul off and deck her. I was actually scared when she left that something was going to happen to my dogs because she was THAT hostile. I had my husband call animal control and the officer was so nice! He said that excessive barking is barking that lasts for 20 minutes-straight or more, and that they need either multiple reports about the same incident of barking or they need to witness the excessive barking (again, 20 minutes or more). He went on to say that some people just don't like dogs -- especially German Shepherds. If there's one thing most police like, it's German Shepherds! :D

 

If you haven't already, I would find out exactly what constitutes excessive barking. Most animal control officers LIKE animals -- especially dogs -- and will be willing to work with you if you can demonstrate that you're genuinely concerned about this issue. At this point the officer may already suspect that your neighbor is a PITA dog-hater, and I'm sure he sees this type of thing all the time. Dogs bark. It's a fact. If she is so sensitive that a freakin' latch on a gate at night or the "beep-beep" of car doors locking is enough for her to complain to you, she has a real problem and it goes beyond barking dogs. You have tried to work with her. You have been much nicer than I would have been (here if you park on the street overnight you risk getting ticketed, so I would continue to park in my driveway). In fact, it sounds like you've bent over backwards trying to accommodate her unreasonable requests. In the spirit of the holidays you could bake her some cookies and display them on a platter with noise-canceling headphones and a note that says, "Put on your big-girl panties and deal with it." I really hate people like that :glare: If noise bothers her THAT much, she should not be living in a suburban setting with such close houses.

[amydavis]

At some point' date=' when the police have checked several times and your dogs are not actually barking, do they ever report that they are not barking and consider that perhaps someone is just harrassing you? People should not be able to report your dogs as a nuisance without the police actually documenting it before fining you. And they should not be able to harrass you by constantly bringing the police to your door for an average dog barking. That's not what police are for...[/quote']

 

:iagree:

I would think that after this many visits the officers are becoming aware. I would think that the frustration of the one officer was due to knowing that his visit was a waste of time. I would make a point to mention it the next time they are out. Let them know about the extreme examples you mentioned (clinking fence, etc), just so they have more knowledge about the situation. At some point, I would think they would allow the anonymous caller to know that filing a false or misleading report is a waste of time (at minimum) and harassing.

 

And I definitely agree with the others that said to quit parking in the street, etc. Live your life, normally. She will have to get over it. I also agree if she complains to you, give a sympathetic nod and say how awful it must be to live without the ability to filter normal noises. I'd say something along the lines of, "I mean, we're talking about opening and closing a gate in the next yard. How that filters up to you and disturbs your rest is so heartbreaking. How do you sleep at all with the normal noises inside your home - you know, bathroom visits or getting a glass of water? I hope you can get to the root of it; have you met with anyone to discuss it because I just can't imagine it?...so, so sad."

[Catwoman]

If you haven't already, I would find out exactly what constitutes excessive barking.

 

:iagree:

 

Find out exactly what the local noise ordinances are, and get a copy in writing if you can. If it looks like your dog's barking is well within what is allowed, perhaps you might want to politely provide your neighbor with a copy of the local laws the next time she starts complaining. It seems clear that this woman should not be living in a neighborhood where the houses are close together, if she's that sensitive to noise. I have a feeling that, even if you were absolutely silent, she would find something else to complain about.

 

And quit parking your car in the street -- that's ridiculous! You're not parking in her driveway, so don't worry about a little beep-beep and the noise from car doors closing. Sometimes, the more you try to please someone, the more demanding they become.

 

I would also arrange for you or your dh to "happen" to be outside when the woman's dh is out in his yard, so you could talk to him and see what he thinks of the whole situation. It sounds like he's a nice guy, so if you explain to him that you're trying to be as quiet as you can, at least he'll be able to remind his wife of that when she's whining about it to him.

 

 

Cat

Edited December 3, 2010 by Catwoman

[Hedgehog]

we had an irate neighbor stop by who obviously had something against German Shepherds (she kept talking about how they have a loud, "GS bark," and how "those kind of dogs" are vicious, etc).

 

Oh my. Don't. get. me. started. In my case, it's my sisters who go on about how GSDs are dangerous. :cursing:

 

 

Surely the police would have to get evidence that you and/or your dogs were a noise nuisance before they fined you?

[Mejane]

People who live in apartments or zero-lot line homes really can't expect complete quiet. (I've lived in both; I know.) It sounds as though you are doing all you can to be accommodating. I'd just continue to live my life at this point and figure it's her problem.

 

Sounds to me like she needs to move. To a place where she has a couple of quiet acres to herself. Or a bubble. Or perhaps she could try using that amazing new invention called earplugs. The clink of a gate? Really? :001_rolleyes:

[Lara in Colo]

I agree with Mejane. Buy her a nice set of earplugs all wrapped up, she should get the hint. I also agree to stop walking around on eggshells. This is borderline harassment, or at the very least, denying you your right to enjoyment of your property.

 

Lara

[stephanier.1765]

Sometimes, the more you try to please someone, the more demanding they become.

 

 

:iagree: This is a case of give them a inch and they'll take a mile. Maybe if everything is noisy she won't notice the dogs as much.

[kalphs]

Get them a bark collar. This is too much stress for you and whether it is "fair" or not, someone is reporting them.

:iagree:

This is what we did for our black lab when Mrs. Kravat's complained years ago.

[Sunkirst]

Thanks so much everyone. I've done some thinking and I've come to some conclusions:

 

First, short of spending the $100 dollars on a pair of bark collars, there is nothing I can do that will satisfy this woman (I'd consider the collars, but we need to pay off Christmas first, and we may have the opportunity to move soon).

 

Second, I need to file a complaint with the police, or at least put something in writing. If we are able to move, we would need to rent the house, and I think it would be wise to have something on record with the police.

 

Third, our noise law is vague: "frequent or excessive barking that disturbs the peace of the neighbors" The officer to whom my dh spoke last night only said that they wouldn't issue a fine for "normal barking." He was very understanding, and agreed that the noise hot line was often used in a vindictive manner, and was a waste of time and resources. He suggested that we call the supervisor to see if we could ID the caller, but the latest call had been deleted.

 

Fourth: We have approached the husband next door, but he just chooses to keep out of it. This woman is an Eastern European army wife (from the Bosnian conflict), and supposedly her temper and bossiness is typical of her countrywoman - I think he admires it somewhat, but he won't go toe to toe with her.

 

Fifth: Yes, part of this is dog specific. One of our dogs is a pitbull shepherd mix (he looks like Petey from The Little Rascals, but his face is half brown and half white :)). He's a super dog, obedient and friendly, but our neighbor calls him "ugly" and "hideous," and has even suggested that we have him put down.

 

Lastly, we only park on the street now if we're coming back late with all the kids (My 4 yo has only one volume - piercing! :lol:). My dh's work schedule changed, so that eliminated the nightly "beep, slam, clink."

 

Thanks for the advice and the support. My favorite line from all of your replies was

In the spirit of the holidays you could bake her some cookies and display them on a platter with noise-canceling headphones and a note that says, "Put on your big-girl panties and deal with it."

My dh will be rolling about that one - Thanks for the laugh, I needed it!

[kalanamak]

I wouldn't confront the neighbor. I don't see that there would be any point to it.

 

I would continue to do your best to keep the barking to a minimum and, as Anne suggests, stop catering to the neighbor's extreme sensitivity. I wouldn't go out of my way to make noise, but I certainly wouldn't park my car on the road so that the neighbor wouldn't hear the normal car noises.

 

If she complains to you about the clink of the gate or other minor and normal noise, make a sympathetic face and say, "I know it must be difficult not to be able to filter out the normal noises of life." No need to apologize or promise to do better since you haven't done anything wrong.

 

If the dog warden comes by again, explain about the neighbor and the other noises she complains about.

 

:iagree: And I hate to sound paranoid, but watch out for poisoning. She is not quite right in the social part of her head. People, e.g. with paranoid personality disorder reference everything to them. If you clank, you must be doing it to bother her.

[kalanamak]

suggested that we have him put down.

 

 

( ( ( (alarm bells) ) ) )

[jujsky]

:iagree: And I hate to sound paranoid, but watch out for poisoning. She is not quite right in the social part of her head. People, e.g. with paranoid personality disorder reference everything to them. If you clank, you must be doing it to bother her.

 

 

:iagree: I'd be very concerned about this -- especially since she thinks you should put your dog down. If you don't, she might decide to do it for you.

[grace'smom]

Are you sure that parking on the street is still covered by your insurance? Our insurance requires us to park in the garage. If the car got stolen or broken into I am not sure they'd actually cover it if we had parked it on the street. I wouldn't park in the street to accomodate someone else when my insurance might not cover a broken window or lost car.

 

This is completely unrelated, but I had to tell you what we learned at co op this week that's helped my daughter keep quiet when necessary. Before she leaves the classroom to go into the hall during classtime, they tell her to pretend she has marshmallows in her cheeks, a bird's nest in her hands, and clouds on her feet. They have her blow up her cheeks like there are marshmallows in them before she leaves the classroom and not to drop the bird's nest or stomp on the clouds. It actually works, LOL. You might try that for your loud child when getting home late at night... It's worth a shot anyway.

[misidawnrn]

Buy her noise cancelling headphones for Christmas. You can get them at any gun shop or places like Home Depot/Lowes.

[Denisemomof4]

I've read no other responses, but this is an issue with your neighbor alone. If she's that sensitive to noise, it was STUPID for them to buy a house in the development you all live in. I wouldn't walk on eggshells anymore. I'd live life normally and if she has a problem, it's her problem to solve. I'd let her know you've been more than accommodating to her but that it's gotten to the point where you can't even park your car in your own drive/garage, for Pete's sake! Let her know you're going to be polite and not make loud noises but that you will no longer let it infringe on daily, normal life.

 

When you're away, make SURE you have loud classical music or a noise machine/fan running to block out noises that may make the dogs bark. Beyond that, your neighbor needs to move or do something on her own to block out noises. To change your daily living patterns at this point will only serve to enable her. And it sounds like NOTHING you ever do will be enough. I'd let it go.

[StephanieZ]

((hugs))

 

Sounds to me like your neighbor is a lunatic.

 

So sorry you are dealing with this.

 

I guess the best you can do is continue to 'make nice' with the husband & with his crazy wife. . . Bake cookies & deliver them for the holiday and periodically -- that might help, might not, but is painless. . .

 

I'd also verse yourself on your local noise ordinances. I doubt that it is illegal to have normal dogs who bark sometimes. Dogs do that. :)

 

If you do get cited, I'd fight it. Look up the law(s); ask the officer(s) who come by what the specific code number/law is. You should be able to google up the law, print it off, and know it well. When/if you are dealing with the law or your neighbor, just cite the language of the law -- as in "no, my dog was not barking loudly or continuously. He barked for less than two minutes when the kids jumped on the couch." I'd also be very friendly to the poor police who have to deal with the crazy lady & I'd take the chance to let them know how nutty she is. "Oh, I am so sorry you had to come out here again. My neighbor complains about how loudly the gate clicks when we come home at night. She also complains about the car doors beeping. We've oiled the gate. We whisper when we are in the driveway late at night. We're really trying to be great neighbors. Have a great night. Would you like some cocoa?"

 

FWIW, this is the kind of crazy stuff that makes my head explode. It's why we have a couple acres in a neighborhood w/ no HOA. . .

[delaney]

Sorry you have to deal with this. I have an insane neighbor and she makes life miserable for everyone around her. We actually have issue with her dogs-ALL 5 OF THEM! 4 wiener dogs and German Shepard no less but we have dealt with 45+ straight minutes of them barking:glare:

[Alicia64]

Personally, I'd have the dogs be indoor dogs and that would put a complete stop to accidental barking. (I've heard of angry neighbors like yours leaving gates open so the dogs take off and leaving them poison.)

 

My worry for you is that this woman is nutty and controlling and you'll get one thing fixed and she'll focus on another.

 

She's harassing you.

 

I'm not one to rush to being difficult at all, but at this point I'd view her behavior as hostile toward your family. The husband too. Because even though he comes across as "super nice," he's supporting her behavior if he hasn't told her to stop and dropped by to apologize profusely.

 

Good luck. We haven't bought in our new state but stories like yours make me not want to!!!!!

 

Alley

[Miss Sherry]

I'd like some advice for handling an uncomfortable situation. I live in a cozy inner-ring suburb. By cozy, I mean that our lots are teeny-tiny and we're less than 10 ft. from our neighbors on both sides.

 

Ever since we've moved in we've had troubles with our "right-hand" neighbor (just the wife - the husband's a super nice guy). The problem boils down to the fact that she's super sensitive to noise (she also has some medical issues that make her fatigued and irritable). Super-sensitive means that she's complained to us about the clink our gate makes when my dh has to work late, or the beep-beep of our car when we open the door in the driveway (we often park on the street if it's late so we don't disturb her).

 

In the past year we've adopted a couple of dogs. They're young, but they're good dogs and they get plenty of walks and discipline. Knowing neighbor's disposition we're careful to not let them bark after dark -- but accidents do happen (when one is indisposed or tucking kids into bed etc.) These accidents are infrequent, generally caused when a possum or a cat is near, and result in no more than 3 - 5 minutes of barking (I'm not fudging the time - I actually stopped singing a bedtime song the other night to rush downstairs to call in the dogs.)

 

So, in the past 6 months we've had 4 visits from the dog warden for noise complaints (filed anonymously). I've spoken to all of my neighbors (before any violations) to let them know that I would appreciate knowing if the dogs are a nuisance when I'm out. Everyone says they're fine. I actually spoke to the noise sensitive neighbor after the first violation, to ask if she had called. She said she hadn't.

 

My dh and I will, of course, try to be even better about the dogs, but we can't be perfect. Thus far we have not been fined, as the dogs have never been barking when the police stop by, but the fines are sizable (last night an officer sat in our drive for a half an hour listening - he was annoyed that he was wasting his time - he had just come from a drug bust).

 

Do I confront this neighbor with no proof? I've considered finding a mediator (she tend anger easily and scream a lot), but can make no headway if I don't know who is being bothered.

 

Any words of advice?

You are already doing everything you can to be considerate of your neighbors. We have had neighbors with barking dogs who let their dogs bark literally for hours at a time for months on end and they couldn't have cared less how annoying it was to anyone. Those kinds of people deserve to get fines and I felt no sympathy whatsoever when their fines added up to hundreds of dollars.

Just continue to do what you are doing. You didn't get fined because you weren't being a nuisance.

The problem with some people who have health issues is if they get woke up in the night they cannot go back to sleep and they end up feeling even more crappy than your average person that is sleep deprived.

I think you are being exceptionally kind and considerate of your neighbor. Maybe there is something you can do do prevent the gate from making the clank noise ? Someone at a hardware store may have a good idea. Not that you are not already being considerate.

I wouldn't confront the neighbor. There's no telling who may be making the calls. The problem with the sound of dogs barking is it can travel a pretty far distance.

Try not to worry yourself about it too much. You are already being so considerate. You HAVE to get in and out of your house whenever you need to. You ARE going to have to make some noise.

We've had neighbors dogs bark for hours all hours of the day and night. 5 or 10 minutes of barking is nothing to complain about.

I would LOVE to have such a wonderful considerate person like you as a neighbor.

Edited December 5, 2010 by Miss Sherry

[Little Nyssa]

It sounds like your neighbor is very odd, but I do have to agree with her about one thing, though I myself would never complain to a neighbor about it:

 

it's those beep-beep noises that cars make when you click them locked/unlocked. That noise does bother me or sometimes startles me. I found out how to program my own car so that at least our car does not do this. Just the locks click. No beep. It was a real relief for me. (Maybe I am an oddball too.)

 

Maybe you could do that? It would be a tiny thing for you but might make a difference to her.

[Bird Girl]

I have no helpful advice, but I would want to reiterate what the others have said about being watchful for poisonings or something like that. If she's already said that the dog should be put down...that seems very creepy. Does she have access, like over her own fence, to the yard where the dogs go out?