Teen Girl Advice from those that have BTDT :(

[FloridaLisa]

Let me share a personal story. When I was a teenager, I was changing purses quickly before school and left some notes to and from friends on my bed. My mom read them while I was at school, found that I was involved in some partying (not s*** at all, but what most of my high school was doing). When I got home, she had already called my dad and they confronted me. They were angry and very disappointed. I got a long "we're so disappointed in you, you've violated our trust, that was very dangerous, you knew better and now you're grounded until we can trust you again" speech.

 

I agreed with every word. I had six weeks of grounding to really consider my ways. It was THE BEST thing they could have done -- to get into my business, to know what their daughter was up to and to hold me accountable. I was forever changed. I did not feel one speck angry at them for reading my personal notes. They provided the boundaries that I had overstepped and that I needed.

 

I believe that parents should parent -- and that includes knowing what your children are doing and who they are with. Dh and I know all of our kids' passwords on their laptops and phones. I tell them my e-mail and texts are wide open to them (and they use them at times) and theirs are wide open to dh and me. We do periodically check our kids' texts and fb pages and e-mails b/c, this day and age, I believe it's part of parenting.

 

It's good that you found out, so that you can walk with her through this.

 

One book suggestion: The Age of Opportunity by Ted Tripp (or is it Paul Tripp? They're brothers.) Excellent, excellent and highly recommended.

 

Many blessings,

Lisa

[jld]

You know, you bring up a good point, Lisa. It's a definite counterargument, and one we'd do well to consider.

 

This thread sure is thought-provoking. Thanks for sharing it with us, Margaret.

[NoPlaceLikeHome]

Let me share a personal story. When I was a teenager, I was changing purses quickly before school and left some notes to and from friends on my bed. My mom read them while I was at school, found that I was involved in some partying (not s*** at all, but what most of my high school was doing). When I got home, she had already called my dad and they confronted me. They were angry and very disappointed. I got a long "we're so disappointed in you, you've violated our trust, that was very dangerous, you knew better and now you're grounded until we can trust you again" speech.

 

I agreed with every word. I had six weeks of grounding to really consider my ways. It was THE BEST thing they could have done -- to get into my business, to know what their daughter was up to and to hold me accountable. I was forever changed. I did not feel one speck angry at them for reading my personal notes. They provided the boundaries that I had overstepped and that I needed.

 

I believe that parents should parent -- and that includes knowing what your children are doing and who they are with. Dh and I know all of our kids' passwords on their laptops and phones. I tell them my e-mail and texts are wide open to them (and they use them at times) and theirs are wide open to dh and me. We do periodically check our kids' texts and fb pages and e-mails b/c, this day and age, I believe it's part of parenting.

 

It's good that you found out, so that you can walk with her through this.

 

One book suggestion: The Age of Opportunity by Ted Tripp (or is it Paul Tripp? They're brothers.) Excellent, excellent and highly recommended.

 

Many blessings,

Lisa

 

:iagree:

[Kate CA]

Let me share a personal story. When I was a teenager, I was changing purses quickly before school and left some notes to and from friends on my bed. My mom read them while I was at school, found that I was involved in some partying (not s*** at all, but what most of my high school was doing). When I got home, she had already called my dad and they confronted me. They were angry and very disappointed. I got a long "we're so disappointed in you, you've violated our trust, that was very dangerous, you knew better and now you're grounded until we can trust you again" speech.

 

I agreed with every word. I had six weeks of grounding to really consider my ways. It was THE BEST thing they could have done -- to get into my business, to know what their daughter was up to and to hold me accountable. I was forever changed. I did not feel one speck angry at them for reading my personal notes. They provided the boundaries that I had overstepped and that I needed.

 

I believe that parents should parent -- and that includes knowing what your children are doing and who they are with. Dh and I know all of our kids' passwords on their laptops and phones. I tell them my e-mail and texts are wide open to them (and they use them at times) and theirs are wide open to dh and me. We do periodically check our kids' texts and fb pages and e-mails b/c, this day and age, I believe it's part of parenting.

 

It's good that you found out, so that you can walk with her through this.

 

One book suggestion: The Age of Opportunity by Ted Tripp (or is it Paul Tripp? They're brothers.) Excellent, excellent and highly recommended.

 

Many blessings,

Lisa

 

This was an excellent post, Lisa, thanks for sharing it!

 

Margaret, I think you are getting some good advice here from Lisa and I recommend you listen to her voice and those telling you what you already seem to know in your heart. Some of this other "advice" I think is downright offensive and self-righteous. So what that she is 17 and "almost an adult"! She is acting like a child and needs her parents.

 

My mom did a good bit of parenting *right* with me and punishing me for a solid month by grounding for lying to her once put an end to my lying. Part of parenting is doing hard things and having hard discussions. I wouldn't think twice about talking to my dds if I found out they were living in such a destructive manner. And make no mistake, her behavior is terribly destructive! I find it appalling that people are telling you to leave her alone because she is almost an adult. My adult friends and I speak into each others' lives if we think there are issues that are of concern so why would I NOT speak into my beloved child's life and do and say the hard things I must? Good grief. I am darn glad I wasn't the child of many of these posters.

[Aggie]

This was an excellent post, Lisa, thanks for sharing it!

 

Margaret, I think you are getting some good advice here from Lisa and I recommend you listen to her voice and those telling you what you already seem to know in your heart. Some of this other "advice" I think is downright offensive and self-righteous. So what that she is 17 and "almost an adult"! She is acting like a child and needs her parents.

 

My mom did a good bit of parenting *right* with me and punishing me for a solid month by grounding for lying to her once put an end to my lying. Part of parenting is doing hard things and having hard discussions. I wouldn't think twice about talking to my dds if I found out they were living in such a destructive manner. And make no mistake, her behavior is terribly destructive! I find it appalling that people are telling you to leave her alone because she is almost an adult. My adult friends and I speak into each others' lives if we think there are issues that are of concern so why would I NOT speak into my beloved child's life and do and say the hard things I must? Good grief. I am darn glad I wasn't the child of many of these posters.

 

:iagree: Wise words, Kate.

 

"Adult" is defined by actions, not an arbitrary age. If she is too immature to handle certain things, like a phone, texting or going to certain places, then that freedom is destructive to her physically and emotionally.

 

Personally, if my 17yo was acting this way while living at home and having dh and I right here, we would strongly consider not sending her off to college next year.

:grouphug::grouphug:to you, Margaret.

[holdoll]

Let me share a personal story. When I was a teenager, I was changing purses quickly before school and left some notes to and from friends on my bed. My mom read them while I was at school, found that I was involved in some partying (not s*** at all, but what most of my high school was doing). When I got home, she had already called my dad and they confronted me. They were angry and very disappointed. I got a long "we're so disappointed in you, you've violated our trust, that was very dangerous, you knew better and now you're grounded until we can trust you again" speech.

 

I agreed with every word. I had six weeks of grounding to really consider my ways. It was THE BEST thing they could have done -- to get into my business, to know what their daughter was up to and to hold me accountable. I was forever changed. I did not feel one speck angry at them for reading my personal notes. They provided the boundaries that I had overstepped and that I needed.

 

I believe that parents should parent -- and that includes knowing what your children are doing and who they are with. Dh and I know all of our kids' passwords on their laptops and phones. I tell them my e-mail and texts are wide open to them (and they use them at times) and theirs are wide open to dh and me. We do periodically check our kids' texts and fb pages and e-mails b/c, this day and age, I believe it's part of parenting.

 

It's good that you found out, so that you can walk with her through this.

 

One book suggestion: The Age of Opportunity by Ted Tripp (or is it Paul Tripp? They're brothers.) Excellent, excellent and highly recommended.

 

Many blessings,

Lisa

 

:iagree: Wow! Awesome advice! Thanks for sharing.

[kalanamak]

You know, you bring up a good point, Lisa. It's a definite counterargument, and one we'd do well to consider.

 

 

 

Every family is different. I loved and adored my parents from about age 19 on, but from 14 to 19, they were just in the way. I didn't want to be "found out" (although my mother told me plainly she would never snoop....they were very big into privacy), nor embarrass them, nor have them find the 1970's equivalent of sexting. So, I left home. At 16. Never moved back in. Quit school, got a job, etc. I even went to so far as to legally change my name just in case I did something that horrified them. That is now much I valued protecting them. I never lied to them to get money or "things" out of them. I only lied to cover up what they probably didn't want to know.

 

I am betting most of you don't want your 16 year old to leave home and change her name. :001_smile:

 

I also take issue with the broad assumption that fooling around is a sign of feelings of inferiority. I didn't drink or do meth. I didn't follow a Manson-type or become a Moonie. I didn't sky dive or ski. I didn't stay up late or hang out with dangerous types. I liked bookish intellectuals, but fooling around was big in the 70's (pre-AIDS) and I cannot believe all my friends had inferiority complexes. I don't think I did. I was thrill-seeking on a budget. Sex is cheap. I recall the Pill packs cost $6 at county health.

 

Not that I advise the above, but me and all my friends lived through it. Years and years and years later, I had a BF who was angry at me for breaking up with him. He wrote my parents a letter telling them all the things I ever did and never told. My mother was great. During our weekly call, she mentioned she'd had a letter from X, and that it was apparent he was best gotten rid off, and she was glad I'd dumped him. That was ALL she said. I hope to be that kind of mum, but I also hope to be the kind of mum kiddo won't be so bent on "protecting". I regularly say to him, in a confidential whisper "you can tell me anything", because even now he seems to think I would be hurt to know the "big kids" at the park used dirty words.:D

[jld]

I guess it depends on what your base is, kalanamak. We are all free to choose our own bottom line.

 

You know, someone mentioned that nothing is really private anymore. Maybe instead of arguing about what should be private (able to be covered up), it would be good, as many are bringing up, to look at what may cause pain, and why, and how to prevent it.

 

And you are right, that every family truly does have a different way of thinking, and being.

[freethinkermama]

This was an excellent post, Lisa, thanks for sharing it!

 

Margaret, I think you are getting some good advice here from Lisa and I recommend you listen to her voice and those telling you what you already seem to know in your heart. Some of this other "advice" I think is downright offensive and self-righteous. So what that she is 17 and "almost an adult"! She is acting like a child and needs her parents.

 

My mom did a good bit of parenting *right* with me and punishing me for a solid month by grounding for lying to her once put an end to my lying. Part of parenting is doing hard things and having hard discussions. I wouldn't think twice about talking to my dds if I found out they were living in such a destructive manner. And make no mistake, her behavior is terribly destructive! I find it appalling that people are telling you to leave her alone because she is almost an adult. My adult friends and I speak into each others' lives if we think there are issues that are of concern so why would I NOT speak into my beloved child's life and do and say the hard things I must? Good grief. I am darn glad I wasn't the child of many of these posters.

 

Yes, this girl needs her mother. She needs guidance and someone to help and talk to. What is offensive and self-righteous about that? Most people aren't saying "ignore this behavior." Is that what you're talking about?

 

Most people are saying, "talk to her. Talk to her. Give her information. Help her." This is concern. This is parenting.

 

What exactly do you disagree with?

[freethinkermama]

:iagree: Wise words, Kate.

 

"Adult" is defined by actions, not an arbitrary age. If she is too immature to handle certain things, like a phone, texting or going to certain places, then that freedom is destructive to her physically and emotionally.

 

Personally, if my 17yo was acting this way while living at home and having dh and I right here, we would strongly consider not sending her off to college next year.

:grouphug::grouphug:to you, Margaret.

 

 

She'll be 18. She won't need Mommy's and Daddy's permission to leave. That's part of the issue. According to the law, "adult" is an arbitrary age. Daughter needs skills to deal with that.

[Kate CA]

Yes, this girl needs her mother. She needs guidance and someone to help and talk to. What is offensive and self-righteous about that? Most people aren't saying "ignore this behavior." Is that what you're talking about?

 

Most people are saying, "talk to her. Talk to her. Give her information. Help her." This is concern. This is parenting.

 

What exactly do you disagree with?

 

Yep, that is parenting, but there are many that are also saying that she is overstepping her bounds by restricting her. That is nonsense. She just turned 17. She has a full year of living to do in their home before she can do whatever she wishes (as if all 18yos just up and fly the coop and can provide for themselves at 18. LOL)

 

If she is in their home and is lying to them repeatedly then what are her parents supposed to do? Just ignore it like it is going to go away? Real parents, in my world, deal with those things - they don't just let their children do whatever they wish because they are "almost adults."

[justamouse]

:iagree: Wise words, Kate.

 

"Adult" is defined by actions, not an arbitrary age. If she is too immature to handle certain things, like a phone, texting or going to certain places, then that freedom is destructive to her physically and emotionally.

 

Personally, if my 17yo was acting this way while living at home and having dh and I right here, we would strongly consider not sending her off to college next year.

:grouphug::grouphug:to you, Margaret.

 

 

And if I had been your kid at that age I would have left and you never would have seen me again. I left my own parents house at 19 and never moved back-and only lightly allow them in my lives. Because of rules like that.

 

Meanwhile I worked hard, supported myself and my child. I was well enough an adult, and I needed to be treated like one-not a child. I did it without them and even now I wouldn't have it any other way.

[Kate CA]

And if I had been your kid at that age I would have left and you never would have seen me again. I left my own parents house at 19 and never moved back-and only lightly allow them in my lives. Because of rules like that.

 

Meanwhile I worked hard, supported myself and my child. I was well enough an adult, and I needed to be treated like one-not a child. I did it without them and even now I wouldn't have it any other way.

 

Different strokes. I have a good friend who left her home at 16, but I know she wouldn't recommend it for her own children and has put more restrictions on her own children to GOOD end. I hope my relationships with my children are such that we can both trust each other and help one another along the road of life. That is the way it is now and I will do my level best to both allow them to be who they are and help they stay on the best path of life.

 

I see no issue with keeping reasonable boundaries on my children while they are in my home. I don't lie to my husband and he doesn't lie to me so why would it be OK for my children to do so?

 

As I said, different strokes. I don't find a single thing wrong with what the OP did with her 17yodd and would do it myself in the same situation.

[Joanne]

Yep, that is parenting, but there are many that are also saying that she is overstepping her bounds by restricting her. That is nonsense. She just turned 17. She has a full year of living to do in their home before she can do whatever she wishes (as if all 18yos just up and fly the coop and can provide for themselves at 18. LOL)

 

If she is in their home and is lying to them repeatedly then what are her parents supposed to do? Just ignore it like it is going to go away? Real parents, in my world, deal with those things - they don't just let their children do whatever they wish because they are "almost adults."

 

 

You are either not understanding those who disagree with you or are deliberately misrepresenting the viewpoint of those who are offering other (solicited, I might add) advice.

 

There is no point in engaging with you over it because you are arguing against a viewpoint that hasn't actually been posted about in this thread.

[PineFarmMom]

This was an excellent post, Lisa, thanks for sharing it!

 

Margaret, I think you are getting some good advice here from Lisa and I recommend you listen to her voice and those telling you what you already seem to know in your heart. Some of this other "advice" I think is downright offensive and self-righteous. So what that she is 17 and "almost an adult"! She is acting like a child and needs her parents.

 

My mom did a good bit of parenting *right* with me and punishing me for a solid month by grounding for lying to her once put an end to my lying. Part of parenting is doing hard things and having hard discussions. I wouldn't think twice about talking to my dds if I found out they were living in such a destructive manner. And make no mistake, her behavior is terribly destructive! I find it appalling that people are telling you to leave her alone because she is almost an adult. My adult friends and I speak into each others' lives if we think there are issues that are of concern so why would I NOT speak into my beloved child's life and do and say the hard things I must? Good grief. I am darn glad I wasn't the child of many of these posters.

 

:iagree: Especially the bold part. Great post!! I agree with Lisa's also!! I admire more the courageous parents who choose to do the right thing and take a stand!!! Anyone can turn the blind eye. That's easy.

 

The hard thing is hard at the time, but I've heard repeated stories of kids who thank their parents later for the hard choice at the time. It lets them know that you care about their future. One of my friends was caught in a very bad situation with an older male. She was very rebellious and angry with the results of being caught and thought she was just sooooo in love. Her father grounded her to the point of having to come to his office immediately after school each day, oversaw all of her free time, etc. After a few weeks, she realized that "love" wasn't what she thought it was. She wound up very grateful for the hard line.

[kalanamak]

I guess it depends on what your base is, kalanamak. We are all free to choose our own bottom line.

.

 

I think in this case it is not a matter of a "bottom line", but what a parent can reasonably do with a particular child in a particular situation that will move to the best resolution. One poster advocated for the hard line, and I was merely pointing out "the hard line", or rather the assumption I would get the hard line, caused me to do a powder. Not all teens are thankful for "the hard line".

 

But, it could be argued, leaving home and getting on with life was best for me anyway. The job of supporting myself was time consuming, and not only did my dad "do a powder" as a youth, a brother did, too. Even my mother told me "if I'd been a boy, I'd have run away from home". We are independent cusses.

[NicksMama-Zack's Mama Too]

:iagree: Especially the bold part. Great post!! I agree with Lisa's also!! I admire more the courageous parents who choose to do the right thing and take a stand!!! Anyone can turn the blind eye. That's easy.

 

The hard thing is hard at the time, but I've heard repeated stories of kids who thank their parents later for the hard choice at the time. It lets them know that you care about their future. One of my friends was caught in a very bad situation with an older male. She was very rebellious and angry with the results of being caught and thought she was just sooooo in love. Her father grounded her to the point of having to come to his office immediately after school each day, oversaw all of her free time, etc. After a few weeks, she realized that "love" wasn't what she thought it was. She wound up very grateful for the hard line.

 

Is someone here advocating turning a blind eye? Really? I haven't seen that in any of the posts - and I've been reading them on and off all day.

 

What I have seen is a few posts suggesting that having open lines of communication trumps punishment in this situation. I don't see anyone suggesting that things go on without some sort of intervention.

[kalanamak]

Yep, that is parenting, but there are many that are also saying that she is overstepping her bounds by restricting her. That is nonsense. She just turned 17. She has a full year of living to do in their home before she can do whatever she wishes (as if all 18yos just up and fly the coop and can provide for themselves at 18. LOL)

 

If she is in their home and is lying to them repeatedly then what are her parents supposed to do? Just ignore it like it is going to go away? Real parents, in my world, deal with those things - they don't just let their children do whatever they wish because they are "almost adults."

 

I didn't get the flavour that people leaning towards "its the loose rein that brings the horse back to the stable" were advocating letting a minor in their house "do whatever they want".

 

Not all "dealing with it" involves tomato staking a 17 year old.

 

But I am not BTDT, and will refrain from stating what I would do. However, I smell a false dilemma in your statement.

[kalanamak]

I don't see anyone suggesting that things go on without some sort of intervention.

 

But it is so much more satisfying to think lowering the boom is effective and courageous, and never backfires.

[jld]

Really, Margaret knows the situation best, and I think we all have confidence in her to do the right thing, whatever she determines that to be. She loves her dd, and knows her better than we ever could.

 

You know, it's tricky, knowing just how to parent a 17 year old. I'm not even there; my dd is just 15 1/2. But I really feel for any parent in this situation. Where are the limits? Should you use authority if you still have it? Is it right not to? How much do you nudge, and when do you draw a line? How involved should you be with the other girl? If you tell her parents, will you alienate the girl? Would it be better to strengthen your relationship with her, just in case she never feels she could tell her mom? These aren't easy questions.

 

I feel really bad for the OP, her daughter, and the women here who've been through similar situations. I'm sorry for the hurt you've been through. For those who went through it alone, I'm really sorry. Maybe I'm wrong to feel sorry, as maybe you feel it was a good experience in some way. I'm not saying you didn't learn from it, but I wish it hadn't had to happen. I hope you're in a place now where life feels much safer and filled with love.

[secular_mom]

.

Edited November 13, 2010 by secular_mom
Didn't want personal info posted here indefinitely

[secular_mom]

Yep, that is parenting, but there are many that are also saying that she is overstepping her bounds by restricting her. That is nonsense. She just turned 17. She has a full year of living to do in their home before she can do whatever she wishes (as if all 18yos just up and fly the coop and can provide for themselves at 18. LOL)

 

If she is in their home and is lying to them repeatedly then what are her parents supposed to do? Just ignore it like it is going to go away? Real parents, in my world, deal with those things - they don't just let their children do whatever they wish because they are "almost adults."

What if a 17yo decided to leave home? IME police just say 'looks like they ran away from home' and don't really pursue them- they are practically adults. I had so many friends who left home before they were 18, they stayed with friends and 'friends' that they met at parties and such. The reality is that she really 'could' provide for herself with the help of 'friends' if she chose to do so. I think most people here who disagree with 'tightening the reins' are not saying that the parents are overstepping their bounds by doing so. I know that *I* am saying it's too late for such a response. The situation is what it is- some honest talk between them could go a long way, but 'grounding' a 17 year old just doesn't make sense IMO.

[Kate CA]

I didn't get the flavour that people leaning towards "its the loose rein that brings the horse back to the stable" were advocating letting a minor in their house "do whatever they want".

Not all "dealing with it" involves tomato staking a 17 year old.

 

But I am not BTDT, and will refrain from stating what I would do. However, I smell a false dilemma in your statement.

 

I did not suggest tomato staking a 17yo and you can smell whatever you wish, but it doesn't change my thoughts on the matter or what I would recommend to the OP.

[Kate CA]

What if a 17yo decided to leave home? IME police just say 'looks like they ran away from home' and don't really pursue them- they are practically adults. I had so many friends who left home before they were 18, they stayed with friends and 'friends' that they met at parties and such. The reality is that she really 'could' provide for herself with the help of 'friends' if she chose to do so. I think most people here who disagree with 'tightening the reins' are not saying that the parents are overstepping their bounds by doing so. I know that *I* am saying it's too late for such a response. The situation is what it is- some honest talk between them could go a long way, but 'grounding' a 17 year old just doesn't make sense IMO.

 

I know there wouldn't be much I could do if a dd of mine ran away, but I would do everything I knew I could within the law if she did. It still wouldn't change my mind on my parenting choices. I know a lot of older teens and none of their parents let them do whatever they want to and all have to live within the parameters of their home rules. Shoot, I live within many rules and don't get to do as I wish, don't get to lie to people without consequences, and that is the way life is. The OP's daughter is only 17 and obviously making poor choices and needs her parents to help her make the right ones.

[Guest littlemissy51]

I haven't read all the posts but wanted to add something to what I have read so far. As a parent, I want my children to know that everyone makes mistakes, even adults. I would tell your daughter that you read her messages and that now you feel ashamed of invading her privacy that way, but that you were concerned about her recent behavior and thought that this would be a good way to check up on her. Apologize for the privacy invasion, if you feel that you were wrong to do this. My oldest is 14yo (Dd) and we have already talked about what constitutes privacy at our house. Anything electronic, that I pay for, is not considered private. Her room is a private place as long as she abides by our rules. If there is ever a time when she decides to break rules, sneak around, etc. then her privacy is canceled.

 

Melissa H.

[gardenmom5]

Last night my dh and I read our dd (17) text messages. I need some support from parents of teens who have found things out about their kids (of a s*xual nature) that they wished they hadn't.

Second bit of advice I need: we also saw that her best friend is s*xually active. Do we tell the girl's parents?

what to do what to do

Margaret

 

okay, I admit I never had these problems, but my mother did with my sister - BIG time. My 27yodd has many times thanked me for being as ruthless as I can be.

 

I don't know if you're religous and pray or not, but start off praying for guidance for what would be best for her to learn accountability and personal responsibility and worth.

1. your daughter is a minor and living under your roof. YOU pay her bills (I don't care if she has a job and buy's her own clothes, make-up and other toys - YOU provide her housing, food, medical, etc. which she would *not* be able to afford if you weren't subsidizing her. If she does have a job, her income needs to start going into a savings account she cannot access without your consent while living in your house. She'll hate you now, but thank you when she moves into her own place and wants to buy "stuff" to outfit her first apartment.
   
2. why do you wish you hadn't seen it? do you like living in denial by pretending "she's a good girl"? ("good girls" don't s*xt, and that often leads to the anonymous real thing.) You can't even begin to help her unless you face facts about what she needs. yes, you will end up confronting her and letting her know you know.
   
3. why does she have a cell phone? (we didn't get our girls cell phones until they were in *college* and living 2500 miles away.) TAKE. IT. AWAY. (yeah, she's gonna be angry. ces't la vie.) As my friend's mother used to say "life isn't fair, and you don't want it to be." Oh, and if "she's" paying for the cell phone? as long as she lives at your house, it's gone, canceled, ended, no more. Your house, your rules.
   
4. why the heck is texting active on it? *block it*. Now. Do that via your sevice provider. Teens who are active texter's are more likely to do drugs and other illicit activity. That is a fact.
   
5. heck yes, tell your daughter's friend's mother you regretfully inform her you have proof her daughter is engaging in immorality. The mom may or may not already know, and may or may not be in denial. Sadly, some parents just go get their daughter's contraceptives.
   
6. your daughter's "best friend" is not the kind of person I would want my children to hang out with. (of their own free choice, my son's actually dumped friends who went that way. They told me after the fact when I asked why they didn't see ___ anymore.) they really should be kept apart.
   

get her in healthier activities - with emotionally healthier opportunities for friendships. Yes, take more opportunties to try and connect. But take control. Believe it or not, as much as kids may rail about it, it tells them you care. (though they won't admit it until their into adulthood.)

[Renee in NC]

okay, I admit I never had these problems, but my mother did with my sister - BIG time. My 27yodd has many times thanked me for being as ruthless as I can be.

 

I don't know if you're religous and pray or not, but start off praying for guidance for what would be best for her to learn accountability and personal responsibility and worth.

1. your daughter is a minor and living under your roof. YOU pay her bills (I don't care if she has a job and buy's her own clothes, make-up and other toys - YOU provide her housing, food, medical, etc. which she would *not* be able to afford if you weren't subsidizing her. If she does have a job, her income needs to start going into a savings account she cannot access without your consent while living in your house. She'll hate you now, but thank you when she moves into her own place and wants to buy "stuff" to outfit her first apartment.
   
2. why do you wish you hadn't seen it? do you like living in denial by pretending "she's a good girl"? ("good girls" don't s*xt, and that often leads to the anonymous real thing.) You can't even begin to help her unless you face facts about what she needs. yes, you will end up confronting her and letting her know you know.
   
3. why does she have a cell phone? (we didn't get our girls cell phones until they were in *college* and living 2500 miles away.) TAKE. IT. AWAY. (yeah, she's gonna be angry. ces't la vie.) As my friend's mother used to say "life isn't fair, and you don't want it to be." Oh, and if "she's" paying for the cell phone? as long as she lives at your house, it's gone, canceled, ended, no more. Your house, your rules.
   
4. why the heck is texting active on it? *block it*. Now. Do that via your sevice provider. Teens who are active texter's are more likely to do drugs and other illicit activity. That is a fact.
   
5. heck yes, tell your daughter's friend's mother you regretfully inform her you have proof her daughter is engaging in immorality. The mom may or may not already know, and may or may not be in denial. Sadly, some parents just go get their daughter's contraceptives.
   
6. your daughter's "best friend" is not the kind of person I would want my children to hang out with. (of their own free choice, my son's actually dumped friends who went that way. They told me after the fact when I asked why they didn't see ___ anymore.) they really should be kept apart.
   

get her in healthier activities - with emotionally healthier opportunities for friendships. Yes, take more opportunties to try and connect. But take control. Believe it or not, as much as kids may rail about it, it tells them you care. (though they won't admit it until their into adulthood.)

 

:001_huh: I can't imagine treating any other human being this way, child or not. Maybe I don't have a need to micromanage this way. Maybe I just remember how *I* would have reacted to this. When I was 16, my mom, who overall didn't parent me at all, grounded me for bad grades. Guess what? I moved out! Got a job, supported myself, stayed out of trouble - best thing I ever did.

 

Teens can buy prepaid phones without you and hide it from you. A teen can cash their paycheck and give the money to someone else to hold for them. So you make them quit their job so they don't have any money. Then what? Are you going to chain her to her bed at night to make sure she doesn't leave? Are you going to go to the bathroom with her when you let her out of the house to make sure she doesn't do anything?

 

People can do what they want - they can ignore it, they can talk about it, they can come down hard. Honestly, I don't think any of it has much effect on a 17yo in the long run. What follows them into adulthood is not how control you had over them at 16 or 17, but rather what you taught them in the 16-17 years before that.

 

Believe it or not, premarital s*x doesn't ruin lives most of the time. Yes, it can, and no, I don't condone it. However, if you were to run an anonymous poll on this board, many, many of the moms here - good, upright citizens with children and overall good lives - had premarital s*x. Even when they were teens. Maybe even with more than one partner. Would I condone it? Never. Would I enable it? No. But I am not under the delusion that if I would just come down hard and take control of the situation that I could erase my dc's sinful nature. We *all* sin and fall short of the glory of God.

 

I had refrained from answering this thread all along because honestly, I don't know what I would do in this situation. It isn't easy for anyone. I know what I did with my oldest and how I interact with him now, but our situation isn't the OP's. I tell him all the time that when you take on adult decisions, you also take on the adult responsibilities that go with them. For us, 16 and 17 is a time to practice being an adult while still having a safety net. Would I talk to her about it? Absolutely! Would I take her to the doctor to make sure she doesn't have any STD's? Miost definitely. Otherwise, I don't know, but I do know that what you advocate here isn't it.

Edited November 13, 2010 by Renee in FL

[Gwenhwyfar]

Teens who are active texter's are more likely to do drugs and other illicit activity. That is a fact.

 

what the heck?? :laugh:

 

if this is a "fact" - then i assume there are lots of fancy studies (with equally balanced groups) with analyzed data and whatever to back it up?

Edited November 13, 2010 by Gwenhwyfar

[Renee in NC]

what the heck?? :laugh:

 

I mean to ask in my response - to the PP who said this, do you have any research to back that up?

[Mejane]

1. heck yes, tell your daughter's friend's mother you regretfully inform her you have proof her daughter is engaging in immorality.

Wow. I don't even know what to say to that. :tongue_smilie:

[sparrow]

what the heck?? :laugh:

 

if this is a "fact" - then i assume there are lots of fancy studies (with equally balanced groups) with analyzed data and whatever to back it up?

 

I mean to ask in my response - to the PP who said this, do you have any research to back that up?

 

 

I think she's probably referring to this study, by the American Public Health Association, released last week.

[justamouse]

:001_huh: I can't imagine treating any other human being this way, child or not. Maybe I don't have a need to micromanage this way. Maybe I just remember how *I* would have reacted to this. When I was 16, my mom, who overall didn't parent me at all, grounded me for bad grades. Guess what? I moved out! Got a job, supported myself, stayed out of trouble - best thing I ever did.

 

:iagree:

 

 

The poster you are responding to only has 24 posts. Just say'n.

 

And that wasn't living at home-that was jail.

 

gardenmom,

 

What makes you think she can't take her check and go cash it at walmart for 3 bucks and not give any to you? What would you do, rip through her room to find it? then take it?

 

She can go get a prepaid cell phone herself and doesn't have to inform anyone and she can put minutes on it at her discretion, according to her finances.

 

You tell your 17 yo who they can and can't be friends with?

 

Go behind her back and tattle on her friend? That would be the death blow to our relationship right there. My mother actually DID do that and I left soon after. I still tell her nothing.

 

Wow, that whole post made me very, very sad.

[mykdsmomy]

I know there wouldn't be much I could do if a dd of mine ran away, but I would do everything I knew I could within the law if she did. It still wouldn't change my mind on my parenting choices. I know a lot of older teens and none of their parents let them do whatever they want to and all have to live within the parameters of their home rules. Shoot, I live within many rules and don't get to do as I wish, don't get to lie to people without consequences, and that is the way life is. The OP's daughter is only 17 and obviously making poor choices and needs her parents to help her make the right ones.

 

I agree she needs her mother's guidance but that doesn't only come in the form of control and punishment. It's not the only right way to parent. I also think that if OP's daughter doesn't understand that all choices in life have a consequence, then this a bigger problem than just the sexting. She doesn't need consequences/punishment from this particular issue just to teach her that it's not ok. I think all of this behavior is a symptom of something bigger. Just my 2cents

[JennyD]

My children are all young, and boys to boot, so I have little to offer other than sympathy and hugs. You sound like a very loving and devoted mother, FWIW.

 

One thing that does jump out at me -- and you alluded to this yourself -- is that your DD may be in a bad place emotionally at the moment. The sleeping with her boyfriend is one thing, but the second boy so soon after the breakup and the sexting is pinging my radar a bit. Apart from the disciplinary issues, I hope that she's willing to talk with you about what's going on in her life.

 

Also, you mentioned that she is 17 -- does she have plans for after she graduates? I know that when I was that age I simply wouldn't do *anything* that might jeopardize my getting the heck out of Dodge. But it can be a very scary time, too.

 

Wishing you much strength and wisdom.

[Renee in NC]

I think she's probably referring to this study, by the American Public Health Association, released last week.

 

Correlation does not equal causation, especially if the other variables are not controlled. I'd be interested to read the entire study because many of the behaviors correlated with hypertexting and hypernetworking also correlate to the characteristics mentioned - lower socioeconomic level, no father in the home, etc. Is hypertexting the cause? Have these behaviors increased in teens since the advent of texting? Or is hypertexting/networking simply a new symptom of an old problem?

 

Obviously has no bearing on the thread, though.

[Perry]

Correlation does not equal causation, especially if the other variables are not controlled. I'd be interested to read the entire study because many of the behaviors correlated with hypertexting and hypernetworking also correlate to the characteristics mentioned - lower socioeconomic level, no father in the home, etc. Is hypertexting the cause? Have these behaviors increased in teens since the advent of texting? Or is hypertexting/networking simply a new symptom of an old problem?

 

Obviously has no bearing on the thread, though.

It looks as if the results aren't published yet, since the findings were presented at a conference, so I can't look at the actual study, but...

 

It appears to be a cross sectional study, which means they are doing a survey and looking at the causes and effects at one point in time. So they can't possibly draw a conclusion that one thing causes another, because you don't know which one happened first. They can show associations between things, but not (usually) causation. Those types of studies are great for certain things, and are often helpful for generating new hypotheses to be studied further, but they aren't good for determining causation.

 

Unfortunately, the study's lead researcher says this:“The startling results of this study suggest that when left unchecked texting and other widely popular methods of staying connected can have dangerous health effects on teenagers,” said Scott Frank, MD, MS, lead researcher on the study.

 

Shame on him. It says no such thing. He should know better.

[sparrow]

Correlation does not equal causation, especially if the other variables are not controlled. I'd be interested to read the entire study because many of the behaviors correlated with hypertexting and hypernetworking also correlate to the characteristics mentioned - lower socioeconomic level, no father in the home, etc. Is hypertexting the cause? Have these behaviors increased in teens since the advent of texting? Or is hypertexting/networking simply a new symptom of an old problem?

 

Obviously has no bearing on the thread, though.

 

No clue, but I heard about it on the news Tuesday and figured it must be what she was referring to.

[Renee in NC]

No clue, but I heard about it on the news Tuesday and figured it must be what she was referring to.

 

Thanks for the link, though. I'll be interested to read the whole study when it is published.

[Kari C in SC]

I have to say it:

 

Mostly, I'm just shocked...seriously...that a 17 year old, who is VERY nearly a legal adult, is GROUNDED for TWO WEEKS just because she talked to somebody on the phone at 11:30 PM.

 

That sounds like some serious overkill/micromanaging.

 

And while it's not fun to think about the fact that teens, and especially YOUR teens (general you) have an interest in sex... they do. I was several years younger than your daughter (unfortunately) when I had sex for the first time. (And I was 18 when I gave birth to my oldest daughter).

 

I think it's okay to let a teen in your house know that you will periodically check their emails/texts/etc for their safety, and then to do that now and then, and then to open up a line of communication if you discover something unsettling.

 

But to randomly snoop on a teen you didn't have reason to distrust was kind of asking for trouble.

 

Now that you found stuff... I don't know. I'd talk to her, I guess, and tell the truth, and say I'm sorry I snooped, but this was why, and this was what I found, and this is how I felt about it, and this is what we need to do about it (which might involve birth control, might involve a heart to heart conversation about a combination of morals, safety/health, and privacy issues and so on), might involve some closer monitoring for a while and so on).

 

But "punishment" per se?

 

No.

 

Expecting a teen to be open and honest with you about things like this when they ARE so easily punished, especially in their late teens, for things like talking on the phone past a certain time? Not going to happen.

 

Just my two cents!

 

ETA: And no, I would not tell the parents of the other girl. I would not consider that my business, not at age 17. If she was ANY younger I just might feel differently but 17 on... no, I really don't think I would feel that was my place.

 

Gotta say I agree. Honestly, I was the PERFECT teen. I never fought with my parents, never broke rules, etc. My mother would even tell you I was the perfect teen. Having said that, I had sex on my 15th birthday with my now husband. I loved him. End of story. You can tell your kids all about abstinence... blah... blah... blah... You can take away texting, phones, email, FB... unless you never, ever, ever not for one single moment let them out of your sight - they will do what they will do. I always told my oldest son to respect himself and respect the girl. I never, ever told him to NEVER have sex until married. He died a virgin at 21. How do I know that? We had a super open relationship. He had spent an evening with the girl he died with back in March. He told me all about it. They didn't have sex. He wanted to, she wanted to, but they didn't. He phoned me the next morning to share with me. I believe it is because we had a huge line of communication open. That is the most important thing. You cannot control them once they are 18. You may think you can, but the honest truth is that it is their body. They will do what they choose. My dd is 12. We have already begun the "respect yourself and respect the young man" talk. Only with her, I add always have a buddy with you because of the danger that can happen to a lone girl.

[Cindy in the NH Woods]

Let me share a personal story. When I was a teenager, I was changing purses quickly before school and left some notes to and from friends on my bed. My mom read them while I was at school, found that I was involved in some partying (not s*** at all, but what most of my high school was doing). When I got home, she had already called my dad and they confronted me. They were angry and very disappointed. I got a long "we're so disappointed in you, you've violated our trust, that was very dangerous, you knew better and now you're grounded until we can trust you again" speech.

 

I agreed with every word. I had six weeks of grounding to really consider my ways. It was THE BEST thing they could have done -- to get into my business, to know what their daughter was up to and to hold me accountable. I was forever changed. I did not feel one speck angry at them for reading my personal notes. They provided the boundaries that I had overstepped and that I needed.

 

I believe that parents should parent -- and that includes knowing what your children are doing and who they are with. Dh and I know all of our kids' passwords on their laptops and phones. I tell them my e-mail and texts are wide open to them (and they use them at times) and theirs are wide open to dh and me. We do periodically check our kids' texts and fb pages and e-mails b/c, this day and age, I believe it's part of parenting.

 

It's good that you found out, so that you can walk with her through this.

 

One book suggestion: The Age of Opportunity by Ted Tripp (or is it Paul Tripp? They're brothers.) Excellent, excellent and highly recommended.

 

Many blessings,

Lisa

 

What an encouraging post~ thanks!

[Joanne]

okay, I admit I never had these problems, but my mother did with my sister - BIG time. My 27yodd has many times thanked me for being as ruthless as I can be.

 

I don't know if you're religous and pray or not, but start off praying for guidance for what would be best for her to learn accountability and personal responsibility and worth.

 

1. your daughter is a minor and living under your roof. YOU pay her bills (I don't care if she has a job and buy's her own clothes, make-up and other toys - YOU provide her housing, food, medical, etc. which she would *not* be able to afford if you weren't subsidizing her. If she does have a job, her income needs to start going into a savings account she cannot access without your consent while living in your house. She'll hate you now, but thank you when she moves into her own place and wants to buy "stuff" to outfit her first apartment.

2. why do you wish you hadn't seen it? do you like living in denial by pretending "she's a good girl"? ("good girls" don't s*xt, and that often leads to the anonymous real thing.) You can't even begin to help her unless you face facts about what she needs. yes, you will end up confronting her and letting her know you know.

3. why does she have a cell phone? (we didn't get our girls cell phones until they were in *college* and living 2500 miles away.) TAKE. IT. AWAY. (yeah, she's gonna be angry. ces't la vie.) As my friend's mother used to say "life isn't fair, and you don't want it to be." Oh, and if "she's" paying for the cell phone? as long as she lives at your house, it's gone, canceled, ended, no more. Your house, your rules.

4. why the heck is texting active on it? *block it*. Now. Do that via your sevice provider. Teens who are active texter's are more likely to do drugs and other illicit activity. That is a fact.

5. heck yes, tell your daughter's friend's mother you regretfully inform her you have proof her daughter is engaging in immorality. The mom may or may not already know, and may or may not be in denial. Sadly, some parents just go get their daughter's contraceptives.

6. your daughter's "best friend" is not the kind of person I would want my children to hang out with. (of their own free choice, my son's actually dumped friends who went that way. They told me after the fact when I asked why they didn't see ___ anymore.) they really should be kept apart.

get her in healthier activities - with emotionally healthier opportunities for friendships. Yes, take more opportunties to try and connect. But take control. Believe it or not, as much as kids may rail about it, it tells them you care. (though they won't admit it until their into adulthood.)

 

This is a developmental nightmare. Taking away a teen's friends, money she earns and coming down hard on her is not matched with where a 17 year old is developmentally and can backfire in major and destructive ways.

 

RE: the last point in your list - The OP's posts indicate this child had plenty of healthy settings, support, love and care.

[Mandy in TN]

I read all the pages of this monster and the very first thing I want to do is offer many hugs of sympathy.

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

The second thing I wanted to do is let you know how amazing you are for not flying off the handle immediately!

:thumbup::thumbup::thumbup:

 

 

Almost legal or not 17yo teens vary tremendously in maturity. You know your dd and the situation IRL and undoubtedly know better than I how to approach her.

 

At this point everything is probably a done deal, so I will just reiterate what others have said to do from this point. Keep those lines of communication open. Repeat, repeat, and repeat how much you love her. Talk about what she wants in life, how she can achieve it, and that you want to help her achieve it. Make the time to have special lunch dates to discuss these things.

 

Mandy

Edited November 14, 2010 by Mandy in TN

[Cindy in the NH Woods]

I want to preface this by saying how I sympathize with the OP's story. And I want to be encouraging to her that with God, all things are truly possible. For reasons of privacy, I won't share the particulars of our story here, but suffice it to say that for various reasons (some medical) we nearly lost our then 17 year old dd. (As in probably a teenage runaway, etc.) It was a horrific time. My instinct was to totally clamp down on her; I had to literally relinquish her to my husband to whom she became accountable. Without compromising our beliefs, we worked out some parameters with her, prayed, cried with her, and got other needed help. And by God's incredible grace (she is now almost 19) we have our girl back; emotionally, physically, and spiritually. She is living peacefully at home while working as a nurse, with a wedding engagement on the horizon to a kind Christian man. To us, this is a miracle.

 

Anyway, I found this poem she wrote to me yesterday, and placed on my bed last night:

 

"To My Mother"

 

From first breath, and cry to the world

to parting word,

You are forever a part of me.

Mother's music, the scent

A settle after a storm,

Peace. It sets into my soul,

Tears, they come

Pain, she shares from crimson birth to

present day.

Hands that calm, and heal,

Heal the bird with the broken wing,

To the balm for a daughter's hurting heart.

Mother's love,

The love that for a child gives all.

 

(I love you Mommie!)

 

I hope this encourages someone today. Let's stand by one another, parents!

[kathkath]

 

"To My Mother"

 

From first breath, and cry to the world

to parting word,

You are forever a part of me.

Mother's music, the scent

A settle after a storm,

Peace. It sets into my soul,

Tears, they come

Pain, she shares from crimson birth to

present day.

Hands that calm, and heal,

Heal the bird with the broken wing,

To the balm for a daughter's hurting heart.

Mother's love,

The love that for a child gives all.

 

(I love you Mommie!)

 

I hope this encourages someone today. Let's stand by one another, parents!

 

 

I don't have teenagers yet, but WOW! Thank you!

[Catwoman]

Anyway, I found this poem she wrote to me yesterday, and placed on my bed last night:

 

"To My Mother"

 

From first breath, and cry to the world

to parting word,

You are forever a part of me.

Mother's music, the scent

A settle after a storm,

Peace. It sets into my soul,

Tears, they come

Pain, she shares from crimson birth to

present day.

Hands that calm, and heal,

Heal the bird with the broken wing,

To the balm for a daughter's hurting heart.

Mother's love,

The love that for a child gives all.

 

(I love you Mommie!)

 

I hope this encourages someone today. Let's stand by one another, parents!

 

Wow, that poem is just beautiful, Cindy! I'll bet you cried when you read it! (I know I would have!)

 

Cat

[mom2abcd]

*I* would want to know. I would thank you for telling me.

 

The girls will blame you. I don't think there's any way around that. I do think, however, that there is a future value for them to hear you say now (lovingly and gently), "I had a difficult choice to make. I prayed and I made what I felt it was the most right choice. I stand by my choice even though you're angry."

 

Someday they will be mothers. Not only are you parenting your child right now, you're modeling for that future mom how to handle a challenging situation with love and integrity and respect.

 

Cat

 

:iagree:

[Farmgirl70]

As others have said, even when your teen is delightful, it is hard to know when to push and when to let go and which things to let go of. Margaret, it sounds like you will figure out with your husband how to best love and support your daughter.

 

As you value honesty from her, I would just urge you to model honesty. Let her know what you saw and how you saw it and how you feel. And then go from there. My dd is 16 and it is hard to watch them grow, even in good circumstances. Good, difficult and heart-wrenching sometimes. May you have the grace and wisdom to know how to parent this particular child in your particular family. I do believe that there is no one right way to do this, but many good ways centered around love, respect, concern and honesty.

[mom2abcd]

Hi Margaret,

 

I'm so sorry your heart is breaking. I have BTDT with a broken heart and a feeling of betrayal.

 

I haven't read most of the responses, I've only read what you've written. Going from the beginning, first of all, the two week grounding from the phone for talking late at night is fine, IMO, but what may be another option is for your dd to give you her phone at night when she goes to bed. I have a friend who did this with her dd, and she made sure she had ALL the phones in hand at night, because her dd would take other's and continue on with the same behavior.

 

I have a friend who regularly goes through her kid's rooms and reads their texts/facebook. The facebook I can understand, the others I couldn't. But to be honest, she made some horrifying discoveries herself. And one of them included my son. I was devastated to hear they spent a night partying. I don't know why it affected me so hard - it was something I did myself a LOT as a kid. But it really did bother me. I only found out because my friend called me. If she hadn't told me what she found out in the texts, I would have never known. I don't search my kids rooms or look through their texts and I thought it was a terrible invasion of privacy. But after talking, and crying, with my friend, I took my son's phone and checked his texts. Because I did this, I found out there was more alcohol in his car. I potentially saved him from being killed, killing someone else, being arrested, etc. So many things could have happened. Ds told us it was the first time. There was marijuana involved. I was so sick to my stomach. I was terrified. I felt betrayed. I felt like my world had ended, and my wonderful relationship was all a lie. Dh and I had him drug tested. The results came back and showed that his use never even registered, which means he was honest when he said he only tried it a couple of times. I told him it was hard for me to trust him and we needed to do this. Cutting his hair for a drug test, doing all we did, was humiliating for him. We did this, though, because if he had a problem while still at home, we needed to help him. Since this all happened, he really doesnt' talk with his old friends. He's still friends with my girlfriend's dd, but he spends most of his time working, going to college, with his girlfriend. It appears the worst is over, but I will never know.

 

Because of the above, I think you should tell the other girl's mother. My friend called me crying. She didn't want to upset me. She's one of my closest friends. I told her if I found out she knew this but didn't tell me, it definitely would have hurt our friendship. It was very difficult but I think it actually made our friendship stronger. I really think this other girl's mother deserves to know, BUT, you don't know how she will react with it.

 

My son also had to find his way after going to school. He took a couple of years to REALLY adjust. I think that some of what he did was simply to "fit in." I know how important that was for him - acceptance, to have friends, to be "cool." Although I wish the experience never happened, I think he learned some valuable lessons. I'm SO glad it happened while he was still under our roof.

 

We did take his phone away and grounded him for a while ( don't remember how long) but really what I've learned is that we need to give guidance more than anything at this age. To be overbearing will just close the door to communication. I used to be stifling, legalistic. I'm not now, but that is still fresh in my boy's heads. Try to be understanding with your dd. It's ok to let her know you're worried, you're disappointed, you're hurt. But let her know that you love her. Let her know that you know it's hard to be a teen. Tell her that you want to be there for her, you want to help her. Talk to her in a way to encourage communication.

 

If I understand right that this took place at a youth group, I'd tell the pastor and the youth leader. I've actually heard that this is common in youth groups. Sad.

 

I'm sorry your heart is hurting. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

Now there's a real life story we can learn from! I'm so thankful this was discovered and discussed before something even worse happened to your son.

[Margaret in GA]

I want to preface this by saying how I sympathize with the OP's story. And I want to be encouraging to her that with God, all things are truly possible. For reasons of privacy, I won't share the particulars of our story here, but suffice it to say that for various reasons (some medical) we nearly lost our then 17 year old dd. (As in probably a teenage runaway, etc.) It was a horrific time. My instinct was to totally clamp down on her; I had to literally relinquish her to my husband to whom she became accountable. Without compromising our beliefs, we worked out some parameters with her, prayed, cried with her, and got other needed help. And by God's incredible grace (she is now almost 19) we have our girl back; emotionally, physically, and spiritually. She is living peacefully at home while working as a nurse, with a wedding engagement on the horizon to a kind Christian man. To us, this is a miracle.

 

Anyway, I found this poem she wrote to me yesterday, and placed on my bed last night:

 

"To My Mother"

 

From first breath, and cry to the world

to parting word,

You are forever a part of me.

Mother's music, the scent

A settle after a storm,

Peace. It sets into my soul,

Tears, they come

Pain, she shares from crimson birth to

present day.

Hands that calm, and heal,

Heal the bird with the broken wing,

To the balm for a daughter's hurting heart.

Mother's love,

The love that for a child gives all.

 

(I love you Mommie!)

 

I hope this encourages someone today. Let's stand by one another, parents!

 

Your post is very touching and I thank you.

 

I value everyone's opinion here. And I am so grateful I posted. It's really hard to put yourself out there for criticism, but I felt I needed some people to talk to and I also really felt the need to share. Because let me tell you something fellow parents: it's a different world then we lived in. And believe me, I was no stranger to the world when I met and married my husband nearly 20 years ago. Like it or not, our kids do need us now more than we ever needed our parents. And it can take many forms (as we've seen here). Some kids probably need complete independence. Others zero. I think mine are somewhere in between.

 

To update-- we did talk to her about what we'd seen. It was a miserable conversation that actually probably was worse than I imagined it would be. She really felt betrayed- and she was. But, I do believe she knows how much I love her and that I'm here to help her through this. For now, her phone is gone. I know many of you disagree with this, but I assure you that her texting was unhealthy. I haven't made any firm deadlines about how long I'll keep her phone, we are taking things one day at a time.

 

We will visit an OB/GYN this week to rule out any problems and let a medical professional explain the physical dangers of promiscuity. We may go to a psychologist from there to help her talk through the emotional difficulties of it as well. I'm hoping her experimentation with s*x is over for the time being, but I am being realistic that I cannot control her every action. I can still provide some guidelines and discipline. I feel she needs it.

 

Oh, and the friend? 1.) had been hoping I would find out because she's been sick with worry over my dd's behavior but didn't want to snitch and 2.) her mother already knows about her and her boyfriend :/

 

:grouphug:

Margaret

[freethinkermama]

Your post is very touching and I thank you.

 

 

Margaret

 

 

:grouphug: You've been very brave about this whole thing. Hang in there.