senstive issue, but one which I am at a complete loss

[justamouse]

My mom married my step dad when I was 8. Our relationship has been pebbly at best. He used to be very sarcastic but has mellowed a bit, he's quiet, not affectionate (and I mean, not. He's told my mom he loves her once in their marriage). There is good-he's a loving grandfather, he will do anything for you, he's very loyal to family and his is huge.

 

But ...this is the part that bugs me, he's racist.

 

He's always been racist, but with the recent Presidential elections and certain news organizations and certain ...political movements...it's gotten SO much worse.

 

There is not a time when they come over where he doesn't say something I want to smack him for. This weekend trick or treating was another on the list. I'm not talking putting your foot in your mouth, I'm talking about knowingly racist. I don't want my kids around this. He's poisoned my brother(step), whom I adore, with this and I just don't know what to do.

 

The thing that makes it the worst is that I have AA blood in me (you can't tell by looking at me) and so do some of my lily white looking friends. He knows this, but chooses to forget and to me, that makes it even worse.

 

I HAVE talked to my mom about it and she just excuses it (their marriage-well, let's just say it wouldn't be mine and it's not. So there's not much I can say. They love eachother. *shrug*) They're both professionals, they both work a lot and I don't see them often, but my kids are getting older and they hear everything.

 

The next time he says something should I respond? For the peace of the family, I usually ignore it, but, like I said, he's now saying stuff in front of my kids. I'm so disappointed in them both. I hate it when people I love make these choices.

 

*guh*

[Remudamom]

I'd respond with something loud and sarcastic. But that's just me.

[RoughCollie]

My kid have been around people who have made racist remarks all their lives. Currently, they are living in an environment in which racist remarks are not even politically incorrect. Not here at our home, I hasten to add!

 

I remember when they were around 8 years old and one of them said something about having a t.v. show in which a group of friends was featured: one Black, one Jewish, one Chinese, one Hispanic. They told this idea to one of the people whom they perceive as being racist. The reply: That would never happen in real life! Actually, it already had. My kids' very best, see them as often as possible, friends were Black, Jewish, Chinese, and Hispanic.

 

The biggest influence on my kids' attitudes towards people whose races, religions, national origins, educational levels, income, and so forth, differ from ours has been ME. I, as their mother and teacher and near-constant companion, have simply lived my life as I always have, and the kids have internalized my attitudes.

 

I don't mind if they are around racist people. It's kind of fun to sit back and watch the show, because my kids will say something. I know they are appalled by some of what they hear come out of people's mouths, because they tell me about it, and have been doing so since they were very young.

 

They aren't learning anything except that it is very difficult to change a mind that has snapped shut on these issues. They aren't totally convinced of that yet -- I keep telling them that these people were raised in a different place and time and that their attitudes are ingrained in them at this point.

Edited November 2, 2010 by RoughCollie

[EmilyK]

What would happen if you said "that's just ugly" (I'm thinking of my sweet MIL with her pretty Southern accent). I mean, not telling him he can't talk like that, but registering your disapproval in front of your kids. I wonder if saying "that's awful and I couldn't disagree more" starts less of a fight than if you try to change him.

[OrganicAnn]

If I couldn't avoid being around him, then I would prepare the kids ahead of time. Telling them that sometimes he says unacceptable things. Spend time letting them know it is not acceptable.

 

If he says anything like that to turn away from him and talk to him as little as possible for the rest of the visit. Also I would try to help by jumping in and changing the subject. Some people say things as away to get attention or get a reaction. I would also cut the visit short if possible when he did it.

 

How you deal with a person (ignore change the subject or confront) may depend on the person. But how you teach your children is all up to you.

Edited November 2, 2010 by OrganicAnn

[NanceXToo]

Yes, I would say something. I would get him aside privately and I would say to him, "Listen, you're an adult and I can't tell you how to think or feel, but you need to know that I draw the line at you making racist comments in front of my children. They don't need to hear that, and I'm asking you not to do it again."

[Emmy]

For the sake of your kids, I would respond. My MIL has been known to make a comment or two - when she does, we call her on it, i.e. - INSERTNAME, c'mon, that's not appropriate, kids - Grandma doesn't mean that, it's unkind and we don't say things like that.

 

It's all we can do.

[justamouse]

Actually, it already had. My kids' very best, see them as often as possible, friends were Black, Jewish, Chinese, and Hispanic.

 

The biggest influence on my kids' attitudes towards people whose races, religions, national origins, educational levels, income, and so forth, differ from ours has been ME. I, as their mother and teacher and near-constant companion, have simply lived my life as I always have, and the kids have internalized my attitudes.

 

I don't mind if they are around racist people. It's kind of fun to sit back and watch the show, because my kids will say something. I know they are appalled by some of what they hear come out of people's mouths, because they tell me about it, and have been doing so since they were very young. They aren't learning anything except that it is very difficult to change a mind that has snapped shut on these issues.

 

My kids have a spectrum of friends, and for that I am so thankful. I know with my older kids (who think nothing of dating other races) this to be true, but I'm seeing him get worse as my youngers get older and this is something I've not encountered before. Your words give me peace.

 

 

How you deal with a person (ignore change the subject or confront) may depend on the person. But how you teach your children is all up to you.

 

Very true.

 

What would happen if you said "that's just ugly" (I'm thinking of my sweet MIL with her pretty Southern accent). I mean, not telling him he can't talk like that, but registering your disapproval in front of your kids. I wonder if saying "that's awful and I couldn't disagree more" starts less of a fight than if you try to change him.

 

Well, my kids just sort of stare at him like he has three heads. Like that ugliness couldn't just have come out of the mouth of a person they love. I think I have to say something to the kids.

 

Yes, I would say something. I would get him aside privately and I would say to him, "Listen, you're an adult and I can't tell you how to think or feel, but you need to know that I draw the line at you making racist comments in front of my children. They don't need to hear that, and I'm asking you not to do it again."

 

My stomach clenches just thinking about saying that. This is a man I went toe to toe with when I was a teen. Where has that courage gone? :confused:

 

For the sake of your kids, I would respond. My MIL has been known to make a comment or two - when she does, we call her on it, i.e. - INSERTNAME, c'mon, that's not appropriate, kids - Grandma doesn't mean that, it's unkind and we don't say things like that.

 

It's all we can do.

 

mmm that's a good approach.

 

I'd respond with something loud and sarcastic. But that's just me.

 

I THINK it, I just never say it.

 

It's taken me such hard work to get to this point with them, adn going backwards, ugh. I know it wouldn't be my fault, but there is always fallout.

[RoughCollie]

Yes, I would say something. I would get him aside privately and I would say to him, "Listen, you're an adult and I can't tell you how to think or feel, but you need to know that I draw the line at you making racist comments in front of my children. They don't need to hear that, and I'm asking you not to do it again."

 

I have a friend who did that with a close family member -- and he listened and honored her wishes.

[J-rap]

***

Edited February 19, 2023 by J-rap

[cindergretta]

Are you bold enough to turn to your dc and say, "That is racist and we don't think like that! The shocked look on your faces shows me that you know better!"

 

Too passive-aggressive?? :tongue_smilie:

[gaillardia]

Yes, and I would probably embarass him by calling him down for it. Some people might take him aside to talk it over, or warn him.

There have been times where I've had to say something and when I don't think about what I'm going to say beforehand, when I tell myself I'll deal with it if and when it ever happens again, then it seems like I am able to make my point quickly and assertively and it doesn't happen again.

:grouphug:

[elfgivas]

i have a few touchstones in my life that i reach for when i need courage. this is one of them:

 

"They came first for the Communists,

and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Communist.

 

Then they came for the trade unionists,

and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist.

 

Then they came for the Jews,

and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Jew.

 

Then they came for me

and by that time no one was left to speak up."

 

attributed to Pastor Martin Niemöller (1892–1984) about the inactivity of German intellectuals following the Nazi rise to power and the purging of their chosen targets, group after group. he used it in several variations over the years, but for me when i'm tempted to be silent, i use this to remind myself of the cost of silence.

 

good luck!

ann

[Laurie4b]

Yes. Respond.

 

I did this to an in-law and it stopped--at least around me.

 

In your situation, I'd probably take a tactic of every time he said something, speaking up about your AA blood and telling him you don't appreciate it. That does two things: your kids hear you confront it (which makes it clear you don't condone it) and it personalizes it for him--there you are--a person in his family who he cares about and you have AA blood. Don't let him make you an exception.

Edited November 2, 2010 by Laurie4b

[Peela]

I would talk to the kids about it in a way that is respectful of grandad but clear that you dont agree with his beliefs that other races are in any way inferior. Great fodder for conversation with kids. We have talks like that frequently.

And I would slowly and surely let it be known to him that you find his racist remarks innapropriate and offensive....without necessarily making him wrong. Just his remarks. You never know how people get to where they are, and hostility towards them is unlikely to make them change their views.

I dont really think its appropriate to let people get away with that sort of thing forever. At some stage they need to realise that the people they think are agreeing with them, because they say nothing, do not actually agree with them. To anyone but somebody very socially insensitive, realising that others do not agree and feel uncomfortable should be enough to reign it in somewhat. Many people probably just dont even realise how crass they are being- theyve jsut been brought up that way, or developed their views for some reason, and never really been challenged because its just normal to them.

My MIL is clearly racist but we see her so little and she hides it fairly well so we have never had a confrontation about it.

[Carol in Cal.]

I believe that if I let a remark like that go unchallenged, I'm implicitly agreeing with it. This is particularly crucial in front of a young child.

 

My IL's, who are otherwise wonderful, are more tolerant of this kind of talk that I can stand. My FIL even makes racist remarks occasionally. I told my DH when DD was a baby that if they are going to talk like that in front of her I would have to stay with her in a motel instead of at their house. He quietly told his mom that we didn't want DD to learn that kind of talk from their own family, and it never happened again. I give them a lot of credit--it is not easy to change habits of speech. OTOH, it really, really bugs me when people think this way.

[Pamela H in Texas]

"Listen, you're an adult and I can't tell you how to think or feel, but you need to know that I draw the line at you making racist comments in front of my children. They don't need to hear that, and I'm asking you not to do it again."

 

This.

 

You're going to have to set the boundary and then there will have to be consequences. It is *likely* that your mother will put a stop to it if she knows you'll stop bringing the kids by. Unfortunately, you may need to actually stop going by for awhile for it to work.

 

BTW, and I wouldn't assume that those remarks are infrequent and your teaching your kids otherwise so you'll just apologize to the kids on the car ride home and it'll be okay. It isn't. I have never had a racist bone in my body. My lifestyle is such that it's just not been an issue (most likely, my age and the acceptance of my generation helped). However, certain comments and scenarios from my childhood haunt me. The person wasn't overtly racist, just said dumb things sometimes. I hate hearing them all these years (like 25!) later!

Edited November 2, 2010 by 2J5M9K

[thescrappyhomeschooler]

My grandfather was extremely racist and very vocal about it, so my mother and her siblings grew up hearing all kinds of negative things about people of color. Fortunately, my mother rarely said anything like that around us, but I know she and her siblings believe some of the things my grandfather would say. My mom has learned better than to say anything racist around me, because I won't tolerate it. I was at an event a couple of weeks ago with my aunt, and she said a racist remark as a "joke". I told her that it was not funny at all. That, and I gave her a look that made her look away from me and she dropped her line of conversation and moved on to something else.

[HayesW]

When my oldest was 4 months old, my father referred to a football player as a "stupid n-i-88 e-r" I told him if he ever used that word in front of my child again that we would leave and not come back. I meant it too. It isn't funny.

[mytwomonkeys]

well, we don't ignore racist comments ever, regardless if it's from family, friends, a stranger, a gas station attendant.... it makes my husband and i very uncomfortable. we figure if someone feels free enough to speak their ignorant mind, we are equally free to object to their opinion every.single.time.

 

I agree with the pp that said you need to enforce a boundary here. If your stepfather cannot respect that boundary in front of your children, then he doesn't need to be around them, ykwim?

[JessReplanted]

well, we don't ignore racist comments ever, regardless if it's from family, friends, a stranger, a gas station attendant.... it makes my husband and i very uncomfortable. we figure if someone feels free enough to speak their ignorant mind, we are equally free to object to their opinion every.single.time.

 

I agree with the pp that said you need to enforce a boundary here. If your stepfather cannot respect that boundary in front of your children, then he doesn't need to be around them, ykwim?

 

ITA!

[Dayle in Guatemala]

There was a time when in my house a friend was going on, in front of our dc, about homosexuals and I finally asked him to stop or to leave. I don't tolerate bigots, never have, I hate racism and bigotry. I want my dc to grow up to be compassionate, loving, caring people. I've had to "deprogram" them many times after certain visits in which the visitors felt the need to belittle certain people. We talk to our kids about how we need to respect people even when we don't agree with them, but, we don't need to allow people to belittle others in our presence.

 

It's a hard thing when it's family. I would first talk to them privately and let them know how you feel. If that doesn't help, I would talk with my dc about what is being said by this person. But, there may come a time when you have to, in front of your dc, ask him to stop talking like that. They need to see it modeled in front of them if they are going to know how to deal with this kind of person in the future. Unfortunately, there will always be bigots and racists and it's good for them to know now how to handle that gracefully, but, firmly.

[stripe]

How difficult for you.

 

I think it might be useful to REMIND him ONCE of your own background, and thereafter say that you find that inappropriate. I don't think you should have to listen to that.

[mommaduck]

My mom married my step dad when I was 8. Our relationship has been pebbly at best. He used to be very sarcastic but has mellowed a bit, he's quiet, not affectionate (and I mean, not. He's told my mom he loves her once in their marriage). There is good-he's a loving grandfather, he will do anything for you, he's very loyal to family and his is huge.

 

But ...this is the part that bugs me, he's racist.

 

He's always been racist, but with the recent Presidential elections and certain news organizations and certain ...political movements...it's gotten SO much worse.

 

There is not a time when they come over where he doesn't say something I want to smack him for. This weekend trick or treating was another on the list. I'm not talking putting your foot in your mouth, I'm talking about knowingly racist. I don't want my kids around this. He's poisoned my brother(step), whom I adore, with this and I just don't know what to do.

 

The thing that makes it the worst is that I have AA blood in me (you can't tell by looking at me) and so do some of my lily white looking friends. He knows this, but chooses to forget and to me, that makes it even worse.

 

I HAVE talked to my mom about it and she just excuses it (their marriage-well, let's just say it wouldn't be mine and it's not. So there's not much I can say. They love eachother. *shrug*) They're both professionals, they both work a lot and I don't see them often, but my kids are getting older and they hear everything.

 

The next time he says something should I respond? For the peace of the family, I usually ignore it, but, like I said, he's now saying stuff in front of my kids. I'm so disappointed in them both. I hate it when people I love make these choices.

 

*guh*

Yep, like most bigots, it's really about skin colour, not ethnicity. My sisters and I are also mixed, but look either "white" or hispanic. My stepdad went so far as to call me a *n* one time. I wouldn't put up with it honestly. There are boundaries and your stepdad has stepped all over them.

Edited November 2, 2010 by mommaduck

[Mejane]

"Under my roof, under my rule." I told my fil directly that certain words were not to be spoken in our house. Now, if we're at his house, he can say anything he wants... but we can also choose to leave. ;)

[Lovin Learnin]

I believe that if I let a remark like that go unchallenged, I'm implicitly agreeing with it. This is particularly crucial in front of a young child.

 

I agree. I believe you should speak up in front of your children so they know you are willing to challenge racist remarks and behaviors. It will arm your children to do the same in a similar situation down the road. This is how we change the world.

[justamouse]

I think I'm going to have to say something to my mother first because this is going to hurt her worse than it does me.

 

This is going to be horrible.

[Jennifer3141]

You have to either say something or not expose your kids to him. Thinking like this won't end until enough mamas in the world stop it.

 

:grouphug: to you because I know it's not going to be a comfortable discussion.

[6packofun]

Tell him that you don't want to listen to racist talk anymore and you don't want that for your kids. Get up and calmly walk out or just turn and walk away every time he does it after that--with your children if they're there--and if he wants a further explanation, he can ask.

 

I wouldn't let my kids hear that kind of junk out of "respect" for an elder or whatever it is that's keeping you in the same room. I get that it's difficult, but you either tolerate intolerance or you don't. :(

[Catherine]

It matters less if you want him to shut up than if you want him to reconsider his way of thinking. Getting him to shut up just means saying something, in private or in front of others. Unless he's really hostile, that would probably work, with maybe later reinforcing if he "forgets." If there's a way to have a heart to heart, privately, it might even be possible to change his thinking. But at the very least, you'd just like him to keep his bigotry to himself in front of impressionable children. I deal with this too, but luckily the stepfather lives far away and it isn't a frequent issue.

[Heatherwith4]

I think I would ignore for the sake of peace, but use it as a teachable moment for the kids. :grouphug: What a yucky situation!