Why does this comment get under my skin?

[rookie]

I have a friend who I have known for 15 years. We used to be close but after my move we do a once/twice year "hello" and that's it. She has one boy and a big career. I left that big career and am at home with my five.

 

Every. single. time. she writes me after the birth of one of my kids, she says congrats and then goes on to write that she cannot even imagine having another child because she is so besotted with her boy.

 

This really gets under my skin. What is that supposed to mean? It sounds like the reason I can just go on pushing 'em out like puppies is because I am not besotted with mine. If my first would have made me feel besotted I would have stopped then and there. It would have been all consuming and complete. I would not have wanted any other people to interfere..... I could rant on but I will stop now. :glare:

Edited October 2, 2010 by rookie

[Miss Peregrine]

How annoying.:glare:

 

I would be tempted to write back that every time you have another you become more and more besotted(besott? :lol:) with all of them. That you would think that love divides but it actually multiplies.

[~Tara~]

How annoying.:glare:

 

I would be tempted to write back that every time you have another you become more and more besotted(besott? :lol:) with all of them. That you would think that love divides but it actually multiplies.

 

:iagree: 100%

 

Really, just simply right back something along the lines of: "how funny...I find my love grows more and more with every child. it's not like I was born with a certain love capacity and that is spent by x time...but rather...it increases as more and more people (birthed children or not) come into my life. My love continues to abound and stretch to every one of them. As each new one comes into my life, I feel a new swell of love and adoration rise up within me...."

[dangermom]

That is annoying, but it's also pretty common--a lot of times, when a parent is about to have a second one, they wonder how they could possibly love this new baby as much as they already love the first one. The puzzle is solved when the new baby comes along, but it really is something that some folks worry about. I guess it's just one of those things you have to experience to understand (just like people who say their cats or dogs are their children, and then they have a baby and go "Ohhh, now I get it").

 

Anyway, yeah, annoying, but don't take it personally. Just explain and move on. :)

[Laurie4b]

That is annoying, but it's also pretty common--a lot of times, when a parent is about to have a second one, they wonder how they could possibly love this new baby as much as they already love the first one. The puzzle is solved when the new baby comes along, but it really is something that some folks worry about. I guess it's just one of those things you have to experience to understand (just like people who say their cats or dogs are their children, and then they have a baby and go "Ohhh, now I get it").

 

Anyway, yeah, annoying, but don't take it personally. Just explain and move on. :)

 

:iagree: I think it's a common feeling until you have more. Explaining it might open up possibilities to her.

[EJCMom]

That's funny. That's exactly why I had more than one. I was so besotted with my first that I wanted more. Sorta like that chip commercial, "No one can eat just one." They're so good you just want more and more. LOL! People are funny I guess.

[kalanamak]

I

 

Every. single. time. she writes me after the birth of one of my kids, she says congrats and then goes on to write that she cannot even imagine having another child because she is so besotted with her boy.

 

 

I don't think she is being mean, but blind to the implications. I bet she is being sincere...that she can't imagine having another. She's just talking about her...she's just trying to say how happy she is. Maybe she just feels comfortable enough with you to tell you how she really feels.

[bookfiend]

It is the kind of self-centered comment people make when they view all news through the filter of a similar circumstance would make them react/feel/think. They then share their thoughts with you in a misdirected attempt at empathizing.

 

Self-centered people also think other are always looking at them and making judgments about their choices, so they prempt any negitive comment they fear by reassuring you that their way is "perfect."

 

This is less a commentary regarding your choice to have a graciously-sized family than an indication of her delayed social development.

 

Congrats on the new baby!

Edited October 2, 2010 by bookfiend

[LauraGB]

It is the kind of self-centered comment people make when they view all news through the filter of a similar circumstance would make them react/feel/think. They then share their thoughts with you in a misdirected attempt at empathizing.

 

Self-centered people also think other are always looking at them and making judgments about their choices, so they prempt any negitive comment they fear by reassuring you that their way is "perfect."

 

This is less a commentary regarding your choice to have a graciously-sized family than an indication of her delayed social development.

 

Congrats on the new baby!

:iagree:

 

My first thought to answer your question of why this gets under your skin was that while she was trying to congratulate you, by turning it back onto her and what she can or cannot handle was dismissive of both you and the congratulations itself. But bookfiend articulated it much better :)

[sparrow]

First, congrats on your new little one :001_smile:!

 

I understand why you're annoyed with her 'besotted' statements. It would annoy me, too, but I wonder if she's not saying it because it's how she's come to terms with the fact that she doesn't/can't have another child? I would probably just let it roll off me. I don't think she's implying that you're not besotted with your kids :001_smile:.

[NoPlaceLikeHome]

I don't think she is being mean, but blind to the implications. I bet she is being sincere...that she can't imagine having another. She's just talking about her...she's just trying to say how happy she is. Maybe she just feels comfortable enough with you to tell you how she really feels.

 

:iagree:

[LibraryLover]

I don't think she is being mean, but blind to the implications. I bet she is being sincere...that she can't imagine having another. She's just talking about her...she's just trying to say how happy she is. Maybe she just feels comfortable enough with you to tell you how she really feels.

 

 

Exactly. This is not something you need to take personally. I'd let it go--because, gently, it's not about you.

 

If you feel you must say something, you might say, 'Oh! I remember the amazing feeling of finally becoming a mother". Or something else which represents your personal feelings without judging hers.

[livingnlearning]

Sign your letters:

 

Love,

Besotted Times Five

 

:D

 

Except that it's not really a good condition to be in, if you look it up. I'd rather be sound of mind with five kids than besotted with one!

 

She really uses the word besotted? I thought that word had been retired... :confused:

[Murphy101]

That's funny. That's exactly why I had more than one. I was so besotted with my first that I wanted more. Sorta like that chip commercial, "No one can eat just one." They're so good you just want more and more. LOL! People are funny I guess.

 

:iagree::lol:

[mom2denj]

O.K. is it just me or did anyone else have to go look up "besotted"?

 

BTW, I would also be annoyed by this comment!!

[Heatherwith4]

O.K. is it just me or did anyone else have to go look up "besotted"?

 

BTW, I would also be annoyed by this comment!!

No, it's not just you! :lol:

[delaney]

See I am a wise a$$ and I would say, "We keep trying to get one that we are besotted with, but we haven't found one yet that meets our standards.":D

[JeneralMom]

I have a differing opinion than most - she may very well mean that she cannot imagine or would not love more than one child, nor can she imagine that you would love more than one child. When we told my mum that I was pregnant with our 2nd, she begged me to abort it because (in her words) "you will never love your second child as much as you love your first - it is unfair to your first child". DH almost choked on his dinner because I am the 2nd child - explains alot. She has asked me to abort all of my kids because of the same reason (and others).

[Meriwether]

I have a differing opinion than most - she may very well mean that she cannot imagine or would not love more than one child, nor can she imagine that you would love more than one child. When we told my mum that I was pregnant with our 2nd, she begged me to abort it because (in her words) "you will never love your second child as much as you love your first - it is unfair to your first child". DH almost choked on his dinner because I am the 2nd child - explains alot. She has asked me to abort all of my kids because of the same reason (and others).

 

 

:crying: I can't quite wrap my mind around this. I hate abortion. My mind refuses to accept that someone would want their grandchildren aborted. I am so sorry for how that must have made you feel.

[specialmama]

It is the kind of self-centered comment people make when they view all news through the filter of a similar circumstance would make them react/feel/think. They then share their thoughts with you in a misdirected attempt at empathizing.

 

Self-centered people also think other are always looking at them and making judgments about their choices, so they prempt any negitive comment they fear by reassuring you that their way is "perfect."

 

This is less a commentary regarding your choice to have a graciously-sized family than an indication of her delayed social development.

 

Congrats on the new baby!

 

:iagree:

 

My first thought to answer your question of why this gets under your skin was that while she was trying to congratulate you, by turning it back onto her and what she can or cannot handle was dismissive of both you and the congratulations itself.:)

 

:iagree: Very well said, both of you!

[sagira]

I have a differing opinion than most - she may very well mean that she cannot imagine or would not love more than one child, nor can she imagine that you would love more than one child. When we told my mum that I was pregnant with our 2nd, she begged me to abort it because (in her words) "you will never love your second child as much as you love your first - it is unfair to your first child". DH almost choked on his dinner because I am the 2nd child - explains alot. She has asked me to abort all of my kids because of the same reason (and others).

 

:ohmy::eek::sad:

:grouphug:

 

Sheesh.. so insensitive.. and callous.. sorry, I'm just.. appalled.

 

To the OP, I agree with the others who said that she can't imagine what it's like to love another child.. I had the same doubts. I am an only child, and I was sure I couldn't love my second as much as I loved my first. Well, I do. I love her as much as I love my first. Not more, not less. It's amazing how love grows.

[livingnlearning]

O.K. is it just me or did anyone else have to go look up "besotted"?

 

BTW, I would also be annoyed by this comment!!

 

I had a vague idea of the meaning but the definition cracked me up!

 

jenr-that is heartbreaking. Abnormally heartbreaking, IMO your mother ain't right. And you know that b/c you have a second child and you know how much you love that one...

[kitten18]

I have a differing opinion than most - she may very well mean that she cannot imagine or would not love more than one child, nor can she imagine that you would love more than one child. When we told my mum that I was pregnant with our 2nd, she begged me to abort it because (in her words) "you will never love your second child as much as you love your first - it is unfair to your first child". DH almost choked on his dinner because I am the 2nd child - explains alot. She has asked me to abort all of my kids because of the same reason (and others).

:001_huh::001_huh::001_huh: Wow!

[Guest Alte Veste Academy]

That is annoying, but it's also pretty common--a lot of times, when a parent is about to have a second one, they wonder how they could possibly love this new baby as much as they already love the first one. The puzzle is solved when the new baby comes along, but it really is something that some folks worry about. I guess it's just one of those things you have to experience to understand (just like people who say their cats or dogs are their children, and then they have a baby and go "Ohhh, now I get it").

 

Yes, I loved my cats and dog so much and absolutely knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that they would be just as important to me after I had babies.

 

Nope. Once I had a human baby, I got it.

 

Then I got pregnant with baby number two and was slightly concerned because ds7 was the light of my life. How could I love another one as much?

 

Because everyone who has been there is right; love multiplies. With DD, it was classic love at first sight.

 

But did it really count? Because my second dc was of the opposite sex...

 

Enter ds4. Oh, my. How I love that little boy.

 

Have you ever read the book I Love You the Purplest? Perfect explanation of how you can love your kids as much as each other, but differently. They are different people, after all. Perhaps you should buy a copy for your friend. :tongue_smilie: People have similar worries about loving an adopted child. And then they adopt and they just get it.

 

I will say that it showed some pretty bad manners to turn your announcement into anything to do with her own choice. Tacky, really. People do tend to get defensive over things that aren't sitting quite right with them though. Perhaps your growing family makes her see what she could have had and she consoles herself by reasoning that her one child is so special to her. Maybe she secretly wanted more and had secondary infertility. Maybe she wanted another but can't afford to quit work...or her DH doesn't want another...or the first is actually a devilish tyrant who makes her regret having any. :lol: Or maybe she really is just so besotted with her first that she couldn't bear to have another. That's kind of sad, if that was her only reason, as she will never really know the joy she could have had if she had listened to those who had gone before. Who knows? (I have no judgment of people who choose to stop at one, just for acting as if if the ideal choice for them should be ideal for everyone.) Still, it did show poor manners.

 

That's funny. That's exactly why I had more than one. I was so besotted with my first that I wanted more. Sorta like that chip commercial, "No one can eat just one." They're so good you just want more and more. LOL! People are funny I guess.

 

Me too! I convinced DH to have a 3rd by telling him over and over, "But three would be so jolly!" They are, indeed! :D Now, he's the one who would be happy to have one or two more.

Edited October 3, 2010 by Alte Veste Academy

[ChristusG]

Honestly, if she only has one child, she probably just doesn't understand that love multiplies and not divides. Before I had my second child, I didn't fully understand it. Yes, I heard the phrase and heard people tell me it over and over. But when I was pregnant with #2, I was really afraid that there's no way that I could love another baby as much as I loved my first. I just knew that I was going to favor my first and this poor second baby wouldn't get nearly as much love. Crazy thinking? Maybe, but I couldn't grasp that concept until I was holding my second daughter in my arms and watching her grow day by day.

 

Those comments would definitely annoy me.....but just look at it as she cannot understand unless she has another child.

[Maverick_Mom]

(Putting on my shrink hat :D)

 

I think she feels defensive, for some reason, about the fact that she stopped at one -- like maybe it bugs her that you had enough love for five, and she doesn't want to be thought of as limited in the mother-love department, so she has chosen this way to make sure you understand that she has just as much love as you -- more, in fact, because she can't imagine "dividing" all her love among multiple children when she's so besotted with her one. And maybe, by implication, she's better than you because she didn't force her one child to share any of her love with a sibling or two or five.

 

But I'm reminded of a little anecdote I read years ago in Reader's Digest. A mother of a very large family was once asked how she divided her love among so many children. Her response: "I don't divide. I multiply." :)

 

(And now that I've read the other posts, I can see that this anecdote was read by others as well! ;))

[IsabelC]

To me that sounds like she may be insecure and defensive. Whether because she would like more children and can't have them, or because she thinks she ought to have more and doesn't feel up to it.

[lisabelle]

I can see myself writing something like that. But deep in my heart, I stopped at one because I was so incredibly surprised that I had the ability to love a baby AT ALL that I was afraid of pushing my luck with adding more to the mix. People have told me that your heart grows, but I never really believed it.

 

Now that ds is 11 and I am 42 it's too late and I really wish I'd tried for another.

 

So don't let the comment get under your skin for a second more.

[PentecostalMom]

See I am a wise a$$ and I would say, "We keep trying to get one that we are besotted with, but we haven't found one yet that meets our standards.":D

 

:lol::lol::lol:

 

I needed the laugh after a long night with a teething baby!

[Annabel Lee]

That's funny. That's exactly why I had more than one. I was so besotted with my first that I wanted more. Sorta like that chip commercial, "No one can eat just one." They're so good you just want more and more. LOL! People are funny I guess.

 

To quote the chip commercial word-for-word, "Once you pop, you can't stop!"

[RhondaM.]

That is annoying, but it's also pretty common--a lot of times, when a parent is about to have a second one, they wonder how they could possibly love this new baby as much as they already love the first one. The puzzle is solved when the new baby comes along, but it really is something that some folks worry about. I guess it's just one of those things you have to experience to understand (just like people who say their cats or dogs are their children, and then they have a baby and go "Ohhh, now I get it").

 

Anyway, yeah, annoying, but don't take it personally. Just explain and move on. :)

 

I agree. I felt the same way when I was pregnant w/ my 2nd child. I wondered how I could possibly love my 2nd child as much as my first and worried (fleetingly) about how unfair it would be to my poor 2nd child. Then he was born and I fell in love all over again. Then I adopted my dd and I fell in love a 3rd time. :-)

 

RhondaM.