4th grader saying he wants to kill himself--advice?

[iluvmy4blessings]

My friend has a 4th grader who attends public school. She told me that

she got a call today from the school counselor today. Her son did not understand something in math today and then all of a sudden he started saying that he wanted to kill himself and then totally hyperventilated. He told the psychologist that he is upset because he doesn't want a new baby sister because he hates sisters and he is mad tha this mother (my friend) is pregnant, etc. She is currently on bed rest with high blood pressure (this did not help) and her husband is working out of town on business. Her mother who is a bit of a control freak is there trying to run the household for her. So there are a lot of stressful factors involved. The school psychologist said that she was concerned by the things that he said that he might try and hurt the baby. My friend's son has never given her a reason to think he would do that .He is always very caring and can't stand to see anything hurt. She also said her son has heartburn that won't go away- his allergies are out of control- he and his best friend are not speaking- plus her mother is running the house while she is on bedrest and - his dad is out of town on business. Plus this all was triggered by him not understanding a math assignment. The problem is he did this once before when he was in 2nd grade where he threatened to kill himself and then went into detail with the counselor on how he would do it. This is the second time he has said something like this. My friend thinks he's being dramatic but also wonders if she should take him to see someone. Anyone have any thoughts? I've never dealth with this.

[Mom-ninja.]

If I were the mother I would take him to a child psychiatrist. Better to have him evaluated than not to if there is any question.

[thescrappyhomeschooler]

If I were the mother I would take him to a child psychiatrist. Better to have him evaluated than not to if there is any question.

 

:iagree: There may be more going on inside his head than the mom knows.

[Karen in CO]

If I were the mother I would take him to a child psychiatrist. Better to have him evaluated than not to if there is any question.

:iagree:

[carolinagirl]

I think the mother needs to take it seriously, despite the fact that she is no doubt feeling very overwhelmed. When we're under stress, we're apt to let things out that we would normally keep bottled up. Whether it's just stress causing the child to melt down or not, it could help a great deal in the long run if he saw someone who could teach him how to cope with stress the right way vs the wrong way. And if there's anything more serious going on, they can help with that also.

 

In my experience, kids who are 'fine' don't say things of that nature. Kids who are having difficulties do.

[Pippen]

It sounds like this kiddo has had a lot of upheaval in his life and isn't handling it well. I'd suggest a professional counselor to start with instead of a psychiatrist.

[MotherGoose]

I used to be a therapist, and this mother definitely needs to have this child seen. contrary to popular belief, kids don't go around saying things like that just for attention etc. He's very distraught and needs to be seen ASAP, like today.

[Dmmetler]

She'll probably need a referral from her son's pediatrician. I'd suggest asking for a psychologist or counselor, because even if she gets a psychiatrist referral, most psychiatrists don't do therapy, only medication.

[May]

I'd get a referral as soon as possible. This isn't normal childhood behavior and sounds like a cry for help.

[Dobela]

If I were the mother I would take him to a child psychiatrist. Better to have him evaluated than not to if there is any question.

:iagree: He is very stressed and needs professional help to work thru it all. She needs to find him help ASAP.

[Starr]

He needs some help if he's serious or not. Someone needs to sort out his real issues. I know someone whose son was being dramatic but did try and hang himself on the swingset to prove he meant it. He's obviously not happy and mom is stuck for a few months. Maybe she needs to send mom home. :)

[elegantlion]

By all means get this boy some help. :grouphug:

 

Just yesterday in our neighborhood a 13 year old boy took a gun to school and killed himself there. This was in a nice small Catholic school just down the street. I heard the sirens and didn't realize until the afternoon what they were for. I feel heartsick, my son just turned 13 this week.

 

 

He's stated very clearly what is bothering him, that's enough to stress an adult.

 

4th grade is not too young to be over stressed and capable of attempting such an act. Don't let anyone ignore this cry for help. Please.

[5LittleMonkeys]

It seems obvious to me that he is asking for help. How many times have you heard about a child committing suicide and the parents are totally in shock. I agree with a pp who said that mom may not know everything that is going on in this child's head.

I'm sure she doesn't need the extra stress right now but how would she feel if she blew this off and then later something did come of it. Better safe than sorry. He needs to talk to someone quickly.

[catz]

My friend has a 4th grader who attends public school. She told me that

she got a call today from the school counselor today. Her son did not understand something in math today and then all of a sudden he started saying that he wanted to kill himself and then totally hyperventilated. He told the psychologist that he is upset because he doesn't want a new baby sister because he hates sisters and he is mad tha this mother (my friend) is pregnant, etc. She is currently on bed rest with high blood pressure (this did not help) and her husband is working out of town on business. Her mother who is a bit of a control freak is there trying to run the household for her. So there are a lot of stressful factors involved. The school psychologist said that she was concerned by the things that he said that he might try and hurt the baby. My friend's son has never given her a reason to think he would do that .He is always very caring and can't stand to see anything hurt. She also said her son has heartburn that won't go away- his allergies are out of control- he and his best friend are not speaking- plus her mother is running the house while she is on bedrest and - his dad is out of town on business. Plus this all was triggered by him not understanding a math assignment. The problem is he did this once before when he was in 2nd grade where he threatened to kill himself and then went into detail with the counselor on how he would do it. This is the second time he has said something like this. My friend thinks he's being dramatic but also wonders if she should take him to see someone. Anyone have any thoughts? I've never dealth with this.

 

Through personal experience I know stomach issues and allergies can be tightly intertwined with anxiety and/or depression (and other mental health problems). She should ABSOLUTELY take him to see someone ASAP. This poor child is crying out for help and should be taken seriously.

[Ottakee]

I agree this needs to be taken seriously. If they have a mental health hospital close by they could call the emergency/contact center and get an initial eval within 24 hours. If need be the school counselor can call as well.

 

It might be more stress/anxiety over everything in his life. I would also look at the allergy piece as well as food allergies and others can cause behavioral changes.

 

He might be upset over the baby as he feels it is the baby that is harming his mom and he is very worried about mom and her health. I would also supervise him very carefully with the baby when it comes. We had a foster child in our home, 6 week early preemie that came to us at 6 weeks old, only 6 pounds with a leg broke in 2 places and 2 broken ribs. I felt terrible taking that baby from the mom as no one thought the parents did it but the risk factor was too high. Come to find out it was an older brother that harmed him in anger/jealousy.

[elfgivas]

listen.

 

and then act.

 

get a referral to a child councilor.

 

in the meantime,

if dad can come home early, he should.

and each adult in the house should make it a point to spend 15 minutes a day with the boy doing something he chooses (in our house it is usually a card or board game, but it can vary. i played barbies the other night).

this lets him know that he still matters. it also gives him a chance to talk if he chooses to.

add in 30 minutes outdoor time/exercise a day.

make sure he eats on a schedule, and as much "real" food as possible.

i'd try to reduce media time as much as possible.

play mozart in the background at home.

 

(these are all things you do to help treat depression, too)

 

hope it all helps,

ann

[Oops, duplicate account :/]

Gut and Phychology Syndrome is all about the gut/mind connection and healing food allegies. Heartburn and food allergies should be taken very seriously, esp. at this age.

 

 

http://www.amazon.com/Psychology-Syndrome-GAPS-Guide-Books/product-reviews/B002OON192/ref=dp_top_cm_cr_acr_txt?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=1

[Mona100]

My daughter had a similar incident when she was in 5th grade. The school forced me to take my child to the hospital over this. I am surprised they didn't do the same thing. She had to spend the weekend in the hospital for it but it took a second incident at school before she got medications for her anxiety issues. Honestly, having her admitted was a mistake but it was such a pressurized situation I didn't know what to do. But that child needs to get some anti anxiety meds now not later and then he will be able to get counseling and be able to process that more effectively.

[GoVanGogh]

You mentioned the boy has allergies. Do you know if he is on any meds?

Our neighbor boy went through a period of saying he wanted to die when he was in 1st/2nd grade. The parents took him to a counselor who said that his comments were very real - the boy even went into great detail on 'how' he planned to do it. (Thankfully, he had overlooked one critical step.) The boy was in therapy for several months w/no improvement. Meanwhile, the mom was talking to the family doctor and the allergist about the possibility that the allergy meds were causing the suicidal thoughts. They said 'not at all a chance.' But the mom finally insisted on taking him off the allergy meds and his dark mood and comments stopped w/in a few weeks. The boy was on one of the big allergy meds that is in the news for suicidal thoughts. All the doctors insisted that the boy was too young to be affected this way. But - nearly a year later - the boy hasn't had a relapse into saying he wanted to die.

 

As an aside. I was out with this boy and my own son during this time period. We were somewhere that the employees knew my son because we go there often. The neighbor boy got very upset that the employees didn't know him and started saying how he wanted to die and was going to kill himself. I felt so terrible! I had a dozen other mothers (that didn't know me) staring at me like I was an unfit mother. I really did not know what to do or say. I finally got it together and took the boy outside to talk with him, while the employees - thankfully - talked to the other mothers. Later, I called the boy's mother and just broke down in tears. I hated that I cried when I knew she was already overwhelmed, trying to figure out what to do. But it was just so surreal to have a young child say that.

[Catherine]

Children, even young ones, can be clinically depressed. Mine was. That said, it sounds more like a situation of major stressors for the little guy. A change of circumstances, plus or minus "therapy" by a knowledgable person would probably help a lot.

[smrtmama]

Get him to a counselor immediately. Also, there are commonly prescribed medications that can trigger suicidal feelings. Singulair, for example, made my son horrible depressed and anxious -- it's a commonly prescribed asthma and allergy maintenance medication, which has now been linked to depression, anxiety, and suicidal thoughts in some patients!

[bzymom]

Clearly whatever this little guy is feeling is overwhelming him. Whether he will act or not, he is articulating a great deal of pain/anxiety.

 

The family needs to find him help, and it needs to be the right help.

 

I hope he finds relief soon.

[Guest HappyMomOfFive]

I believe someone needs to help your friend's son "de-stress" by taking him out to do something he really enjoys. Give him some one on one time and get him out of the stressful home setting for a while. It could be as simple as going out for ice cream or a favorite food and enjoying it in a calm setting or going to a sports event or a (non violent) movie - whatever he would enjoy and not be stressed AT ALL. Maybe do this once a week or however often is necessary until things calm down. Maybe purchase something for him that he would enjoy - a new basketball or whatever he is in to (I don't suggest video games because I KNOW from experience that these cause MORE stress during play). My son has mentioned on many occasions (usually after defeating a boss) that "wow, my heart is pounding in my chest!" Find out what works for him and do it yourself or enlist the other Grandma or a Grandpa if they exist or a neighbor. I hope that he isn't put on drugs to control his behavior unless ALL other avenues have been exhausted.

 

He is most likely directing his anger towards his unborn sister because he feels that she is the direct cause of all the problems he and his mother are experiencing right now. If possible, find out what is causing the high blood pressure and resolve that problem. Not just because the bed rest is causing problems for her son but also because it can be very dangerous for the baby as well. I did a search with the keywords "natural lower blood pressure pregnancy" and found lots of good information she should implement. Please do the search and follow the advice and be sure to tell her doctor what she is doing.

 

It might also help to explain to your friend's son that it is not the baby's fault that his mom is on bed rest/sick. It is HER BODY that is not functioning properly, NOT THE BABY that is causing the trouble. Maybe she could even involve her son in helping her so he can feel important (and needed) by helping his mom AND THE BABY get through this (unless this might cause even more stress on him - some kids de-stess by "redirecting their thoughts" and others get more stressed by having extra thoughts/concerns added - your friend should know which type he is) He could easily participate in some of the advice I read during the search I mentioned above like bringing her fresh fruits to snack on, massaging her shoulders/back, making sure grandma doesn't salt mom's food, etc. The main thing here is to help him understand that the baby is not the cause of the problem - It is an imbalance in his mom's body that needs to and can be corrected. This would help alleviate any concerns that he would harbor any ill thoughts towards the baby and later hurt her after she is born. It might also help him start a bond by feeling that he is helping her survive and be healthy too. He definitely should not be forced to help though!

 

As far as the heartburn is concerned - that can be a normal reaction to stress - and in this case most likely is. But it can also be caused by foods and especially food allergies. Does Grandma know about his allergies? Is she changing his diet too? Food is the most important part of everyone's lives and most all of us take it for granted (myself included). What we put into our bodies DIRECTLY controls how we function every single day of our lives without exception! If Grandma has changed his diet, maybe she should "bend" a little and be sure to prepare a favorite meal on occasion and be sure to avoid any allergens for him. She is supposed to be there to help everyone - not just your friend but her son too. Also, be sure to check any meds he might be taking for allergies as others have mentioned earlier too!

 

One concern I have is that he has done this before. How did they deal with it then? Could he be fishing for the same type of attention as before? I certainly would not dismiss his comments but kids do learn quickly and if he is "at his last straw", he might be trying something that worked for him before.

 

Also, get someone to help him with his math. Forth grade math is not that intensive so just about anyone should be able to help. If he has been distracted with all the stresses at home, he may have fallen a little behind and it just so happened to be all he could stand that day.

 

One last thing - If there is an absolute CERTAIN date that his dad will be coming home (and his presence will cause things to be LESS stressful), then set that date on the calendar and focus on "hanging in there" until he returns. But DON'T do this if there is ANY chance that he might be delayed in his return. (You might want to have a back up plan just in case of emergencies for this one.) Some kids find strength in having a reasonable set goal to achieve - some don't - his mom should know if this would help too.

 

Hope some of this helps! I'll have you all in my prayers.