"Students, Welcome to College; Parents, Go Home"

[Nicole M]

Excellent article today in the NYT: http://www.nytimes.com/2010/08/23/education/23college.html?src=sch&pagewanted=all

 

I know Houston Dougharty, quoted at length here, but will have to tell you about him later, because I need to scoot to work.

[Murphy101]

Well my opinion is useless as there's no experience to back it up...

 

But...

 

I have mixed emotions about this kind of thing.

 

#1 If parents are actually interfering with the school process, such as going to class as the example given, by all means the school has the right to tell them to go home.

 

#2 If the parents are not actively interfering in the school, then the school should shut up and mind it's own business about students' family dynamics. One persons POV of living vicariously is another parents POV of simply a close knit family. For example, the ending example of the father sticking around to take his dd out to breakfast the next day was simply nice to me. Nothing even a bit wrong or over protective about it. I can totally see enjoying conversation about all their first impressions and excitement over breakfast the next day. I also don't see a problem with texting several times per day. I don't do it, but most chigh school and college kids get multiple texts from their friends and no one is claiming those friends are living vicariously or are clingy. Why slam parents for wanting to be just as in touch with their kids as friends?:confused:

 

#3 I get that it's hard for kids to talk about boundaries with their parents. I just don't think it is the schools job to do it for them. That is part of growing up, manning up, whatever you want to call it. I don't see how the school stepping in is anymore independent building than the parents.

Edited August 23, 2010 by Martha

[Grace is Sufficient]

:iagree: with Martha.

 

The attitude felt a little heavy-handed to me, but I'm also inexperienced in taking a kid to college.

[eclipse]

I agree with Martha, too. I have professor friends with horror stories about parents screaming at them on the phone about a student's grade or marching into office hours complaining about their child's workload - and I agree that that sort of thing is OTT. I also think it's fine for campuses to have student only orientations, and even ask that parents be off campus by X time on drop off day - but things like sticking around town for a couple of days to help out with things if necessary, or to have dinner (or breakfast!) a day or two after move in doesn't seem like a big deal to me, especially if the student doesn't have a problem with it.

[Tullia]

Communications technology has changed a lot of things, and I expect that colleges and universities are going to have to accept the fact that it's no longer possible to detach parents from children to the degree the institution might think is ideal. And as a middle aged person with a dc in college who is also helping elderly parents, I'm not so sure that the old ideal of detaching from the family early and moving far away is necessarily a good thing long-term.

 

Hanging around to attend class is probably excessive, but then I also think that the absolute nonsense peddled by some (but certainly not all :D) child care books, pediatricians, and the media has contributed to the development of hyper-anxious parenting. I thought things were bad 20 years ago when my ds was born, but it's gotten a lot worse--I have a lot of sympathy for my friends with young children. And there most definitely IS an implied threat underlying some of the "helpful advice" dispensed by the experts. Whether one agrees or disagrees with current typical middle-class child-rearing practices, things have changed and I believe there's more going on than parents trying to live vicariously.

[Hannah C.]

My college has a little note in the new student orientation stuff saying that some events are for new freshmen only. Often they cite space, which is actually a good point at my campus - we don't have room for almost 400 freshmen *PLUS* parents to all be somewhere at the same time!

 

There's a wide variation in parent styles and parent involvement. I've never heard of parents going to class with their children on the first day of classes, but I completely believe that some professors might get yelled at by parents. I can definitely see the reason to insert some sort of distinction, but an official leaving ceremony sounds like it could be a bit harsh.

[Laura Corin]

I went off to university by train - I had a trunk sent ahead, travelled with a bike and a small suitcase, arrived at the station and took a taxi to my hall of residence. I had said goodbye to my parents eight hours before at home.

 

Laura

[Hockey Mom]

We were given (2) hours to move our DD into her dorm room. After the move-in time, the college had a Parents' Reception. We ultimately skipped the reception and took DD to dinner instead. However, once we parted ways from dinner, she was on her own.

 

That said, we are available to talk to her via Skype, text, email, and phone. So far, she hasn't needed us, and today she started her classes. Aside from a quick, "how was your first day?" text conversation, I plan on leaving her alone. Yes, it's hard. She is my oldest, and it's been strange not having her here. But unless I give her a chance to make it on her own, how will she grow? Parents have got to stop babying these kids. This is why we have articles about 20-somethings not being able to live on their own without Mom and Dad paying their way.

 

My success as a parent will be when my children are able to contribute to society without me holding their hand the whole way.

[SonshineLearner]

I bet they don't want the parent's money to go home!! Maybe parent's should go all the way home, and colleges would have to work more at getting tuition to be more realistic. I mean, how much can a student working at Taco Bell make??

 

;)

[Jane in NC]

On the surface it may seem heavy handed, but colleges do not set up chutes through which parents push students and their stuff. Most schools have welcome sessions for parents as well as campus tours of support services, opportunities to meet staff and faculty, etc. Parents do have a chance to view things and meet people should they wish to do so.

 

There are cultural contradictions that colleges must dance around. Parents, whether they want to be or not, are held financially responsible for a significant portion of college tuition. Yet a student can opt not to show his grades to his parents or have his medical situation shared with them. So an eighteen year old is an adult. Sort of.

 

Back when I was in grad school, a parent of a student hounded one of my colleagues. Then I had never heard of a parent interfering with a college instructor, but apparently it has since become common place.

 

Another issue today is course selection. I remember working at a registration session ages ago before these things were put online. One or two freshmen had parents in tow--in one case I thought that the Mom was registering by her actions. Some parents want to be included in the advising session as well as registration, saying that they are paying tuition, hence they should be involved in the process.

 

I do not expect daily reports from my son. In fact, if he needs to talk to me that often, I will suspect that something is wrong!

 

Jane

Edited August 23, 2010 by Jane in NC
typo

[Murphy101]

Parents, whether they want to be or not, are held financially responsible for a significant portion of college tuition.

 

OT, but since when do they not have a choice? Last I checked no parent is ever required by law to fund any portion of their child's college. Or even give information on the FAFSA. I know my parents wouldn't do it and I know other parents who have agreed to give FAFSA info but flat out refused to pay for or cosign any debt.

 

As for frequent phone calls and such, I don't view that as reporting in. Some families are simply like that. You know, they just actually enjoy talking and being together?

 

I guess I figure if it's okay for friends to talk daily or several times a week, why is it considered wrong if family members do?:confused:

[Jane in NC]

OT, but since when do they not have a choice? Last I checked no parent is ever required by law to fund any portion of their child's college. Or even give information on the FAFSA. I know my parents wouldn't do it and I know other parents who have agreed to give FAFSA info but flat out refused to pay for or cosign any debt.

 

As for frequent phone calls and such, I don't view that as reporting in. Some families are simply like that. You know, they just actually enjoy talking and being together?

 

I guess I figure if it's okay for friends to talk daily or several times a week, why is it considered wrong if family members do?:confused:

 

You may choose not to pay, but nonetheless your income will most likely be considered in your child's financial aid need assessment. It is very difficult for a student to be considered financially independent by a post-secondary institution. Further, with references in this thread to close knit families, I did not think we were discussing emancipated minors.

 

My son and I were geographically separated this summer. We did not communicate by phone or email daily--I saw no need. Perhaps we both need to recognize different parenting and communication styles. It is not that I don't enjoy and love my son!

 

And while I love my friends, there is not a single friend with whom I chat on a daily basis. Again--different communication styles need to be acknowledged. It would not occur to me to text my son regularly throughout the day. Just not how we operate.

[JennW in SoCal]

My oldest ds has been living and working on the other side of the continent since January. Sometimes we text each other several times a day, sometimes days go by without any communication of any kind.

 

At the Disney College Program, where he works, housing is set up so that guests, including parents, have to register at the gate and parents only have in and out privleges for the first move in day. Since it is a paid job, the kids were on their own for job training and orientation from day one. No need for separation ceremonies, though there was a parent inforation tent -- the only information they had available was advertising for the Disney Vacation Club!! Always looking for a sale at the Disney company!

 

My youngest crashed his first community college class this morning and I just dropped him off, even though he is only 15. I figured if he is going to take a cc class, he needs to be able to negotiate the campus on his own.

 

Most public school parents are quite used to being completely in the loop on every facet of their teen's education. The local public schools have websites for parents so they can check on homework assignments and see how their child is doing day in and day out. I would imagine it is hard for parents accustomed to that to wean themselves from their children's lives.

[Barb_]

 

I do not expect daily reports from my son. In fact, if he needs to talk to me that often, I will suspect that something is wrong!

 

Jane

 

Heh...maybe the reason is, this is your son :) My mom and I talked every day when I was in college. She was my touchstone and my friend. I miss that closeness, to tell you the truth. My college daughter and I still speak in some way each day. Mostly she likes to brag when things are going well (who but Mom or maybe Grandma will listen to that?) or get seasoned advice when they aren't. Nothing wrong with that. Sons though, tend to call less in general, I think. Hence all the wives out there getting after their spouses to, "Call you Mother!"

 

Barb

[Barb_]

You know, I have no problem with the direct, respectful,

As of 5:30 p.m. on Sept. 11, for example, the parents of Princeton freshmen learn from the move-in schedule, “subsequent orientation events are intended for students only.â€

 

but this would make me break out in a rash:

 

The president welcoming the class of 2014 had his back to the parents — a symbolic staging meant to inspire “an aha! moment,†said Houston Dougharty, vice president of student affairs, “an epiphany where parents realize, ‘My student is feeling more comfortable sitting with 400 people they just met.’ â€

 

Every time I reread it, I feel irritated all over again.

 

Barb

[Halftime Hope]

In a parents-only orientation, midafternoon, they spoke to parents both about letting go and about the ways in which the school did want parents to stay in the loop: 1) please, please, please, have your student sign the FERPA form, 2) although federal law puts boundaries on "student life" communication, they said that "if your student is in trouble, we will find a way to include you," such as bringing the student into the office and having the student call the parents, and 3) if parents are concerned about a student, they are welcome to ask for a "Care Report" to be initiated. (RA or RD can check on a student)

 

On the schedule there was a meet-and-greet desert social in the early evening with faculty and admin, then a scheduled good-bye time :) , then a half-hour later a scheduled freshmen-only convocation. Mandatory dorm and commuter meetings followed at 10:30 pm.

 

We've done some texting, mostly as dd exclaimed about the fun things she was doing in freshman orientation. We've kind of been following her lead. Finally talked with her on Sunday evening (5 days after move-in) via Skype to see if it would work. Today is her first class day.

 

Each family is going to be different.

[Murphy101]

You may choose not to pay, but nonetheless your income will most likely be considered in your child's financial aid need assessment. It is very difficult for a student to be considered financially independent by a post-secondary institution. Further, with references in this thread to close knit families, I did not think we were discussing emancipated minors.

 

I am aware of that, but it wasn't what you wrote, hence my confusion. You said whether parents want to or not, they are held responsible for a portion of the college expense and that simply is not true. Yes, the college can presume anything they want, but that does NOT make any parent responsible for their ADULT child's expenses. Two very different things. Sure the system presumes parents willing to carry the adult debts of another and that sucks for kids who don't have parents able or willing to do that, but that is a far cry from any actual legal requirement of the parents to the point that they don't have a choice. It appears we were talking past each other maybe.

 

Perhaps we both need to recognize different parenting and communication styles.

 

:iagree: that was my whole point! I have no issue with parents not texting or calling or whatever. I just don't get why someone would have a problem with a parent who does do that and of course, I am sure you love your kids very much!:)

 

And while I love my friends, there is not a single friend with whom I chat on a daily basis. Again--different communication styles need to be acknowledged. It would not occur to me to text my son regularly throughout the day. Just not how we operate.

 

I understand that. Just asking aloud why the school has any business caring how families operate, even if they operate very different from how some think they should. I'm with you - recognize different communication/family styles and move on is very much my style.

[Deb in NZ]

we spent a week in the area for our annual family late summer holiday. Dd slept at her student flat, but spent a lot of the week with us. This allowed us to help her get things set up. Dh fixed a few things that were broken. We helped stock her pantry with the staples + a week's groceries. We explored the area as a family. By the time the week had gone by, we were confident that dd would settle in well. We had met 2 of her 3 flatmates. (dh had a man-to-man talk with the one male flatmate ;) ) Dd was getting sick of having us around, thus homesickness didn't hit her for over 6 months :lol: We did move her in a week early, leaving a day before student orientation. Dd has done well. We ring her most sunday evenings & she texts me occasionally. The funny thing was listening to ds#1 through out the whole week saying "when I leave home, you had better not stay this long!" We told him "no, we won't, as we'll drop you off at the Naval Base with your toothbrush & see you in 3 months after Basic Training." :) Next year we'll cart her gear down to her new flat & wish her well for the year. No long good-byes.

 

Blessings,

[JFSinIL]

We left our first at Augustana (IL) last Thursday. After the four-hour slot of dorm move in time, there was a picnic in the quad and time to get his id, mailbox key, books, etc. before Convocation in the big gym. At the end of the ceremony they allowed 15 minutes for families to hug goodbye, then the parents left the building while the kids stayed to begin orientation.

 

What helped was that each small set of parents was assigned, in a different building, a meeting with their student's academic adviser immediately after the goodbye time. No parent would want to miss a change to pick the brains of such a person ;) and it turned out useful, too. I planted a bug in the adviser's ear about getting my ds back into the Honor's track (long story) and the next day I got a message from my son that, whatdoyouknow?, he had been talked into switching back into honors. :D

 

Hubby and I picked up a FERPA form at the registrar's office before we left - it is on its way to ds in a funny card all his sibling's signed with a note to fill it out and drop it off.

 

Since ds is, well, a ds I do not expect to get much info out of him. In two years my dd will probably be much more chatty when she goes off to college!

Edited August 23, 2010 by JFSinIL

[mcconnellboys]

I wish my parents would have stuck around for at least that evening, if not the next day. I was dropped off and left, all alone, at a huge university. And I was straight from a very small town. I still have anxiety when I think of it, LOL!

 

I absolutely agree that parents have no business meddling in the activities that are set up for their students, and certainly no business meddling in the classes. But visiting is no one else's business if it doesn't encroach on other things that are required of the student. If the kids don't want their parents there, all they have to do is say so....

[Halftime Hope]

each small set of parents was assigned a meeting with their student's academic adviser immediately after the goodbye time. No parent would want to miss a change to pick the brains of such a person ;) and it turned out useful, too.

 

I wish that we had had that opportunity! Dd wants to double major and she has to minor in "honors", so it will be complex.

[MBM]

I think the article is somewhat one-sided.

 

As the latest wave of superinvolved parents delivers its children to college...

 

Yes, some parents might linger a bit too long, but this isn't true for all. Also, isn't the popular gripe nowadays that parents are superuninvolved?

 

[Reesegirl]

Last year when our youngest dd went off to college, I was very please with how the University handled the moving in time for my dd. We moved her into her dorm room on Friday afternoon, having been greeted by a team of student leaders who helped with all the boxes. After helping her unpack for a couple of hours, her RA came down the hall and invited as many girls as wanted to go over the student center for dinner. Our daughter joined them and started to make new friends. At 7:00 pm there was a joint convocation for both parents and students and then an icecream social on at the student center patio. We left our daughter for the evening but ran into her at a late night event at one of the local stores that had reduced prices, door prices, free food and a band. The next day there were a couple of meetings that were planned for parents to learn about the life on campus, including health care, security, finacial aid etc... and we attended while she had meetings for students. We had the afternoon to make runs to Walmart for all the school supplies that kids need for the dorm, took her out to dinner that night but left her to hang out with her dorm friends and go to a planned event for freshmen. On Sunday morning there was a continental breakfast with all the faculty, then a chapel service for parents and students followed by a ribbon cutting ceremony...reminding parents that it was time to cut the apron strings. The morning ended with a BBQ for students and parents but then I think most parents knew it was time to leave. We walked our ddr back to her door , hugged, said goodby and left. They had a dinners at faculty scheduled for late afternoon.

 

I feel like the university respected the parents and students need for time to adjust to all the changes. I would not wanted to have dropped her off and been forced to leave the campus. Having 3 days to move her in and set her up helped us to see that she was safe, on her way to making new friends and had what she needed to start school successfully. And it helped us to start to let go though we cried all the way home...9 hours worth of tears!

[Dana]

Yes, some parents might linger a bit too long, but this isn't true for all. Also, isn't the popular gripe nowadays that parents are superuninvolved?

 

 

I think the gripe is that parents don't parent but want to be their children's friends. Helicopter parents then swoop down to rescue little Johnny or Susie from any repercussions of their actions.

 

You do hear of parents calling to check why their child didn't get a job or an interview; I don't know that you'd ever have heard of that 20 years ago.

[KnitWit]

In a parents-only orientation, midafternoon, they spoke to parents both about letting go and about the ways in which the school did want parents to stay in the loop: 1) please, please, please, have your student sign the FERPA form, 2) although federal law puts boundaries on "student life" communication, they said that "if your student is in trouble, we will find a way to include you," such as bringing the student into the office and having the student call the parents, and 3) if parents are concerned about a student, they are welcome to ask for a "Care Report" to be initiated. (RA or RD can check on a student)

 

On the schedule there was a meet-and-greet desert social in the early evening with faculty and admin, then a scheduled good-bye time :) , then a half-hour later a scheduled freshmen-only convocation. Mandatory dorm and commuter meetings followed at 10:30 pm.

 

We've done some texting, mostly as dd exclaimed about the fun things she was doing in freshman orientation. We've kind of been following her lead. Finally talked with her on Sunday evening (5 days after move-in) via Skype to see if it would work. Today is her first class day.

 

Each family is going to be different.

 

This is very similar to our experience. I have heard from my dd quite a few times...but it's like "Hey Mom! Guess what! Blah, blah, blah! Okay! Gotta go! Love ya!" I have no concerns here. She is not missing us and hanging on...she's having a BLAST and completely at home where she is...she just wants us to share her joy. :)

[MBM]

I think the gripe is that parents don't parent but want to be their children's friends. Helicopter parents then swoop down to rescue little Johnny or Susie from any repercussions of their actions.

 

You do hear of parents calling to check why their child didn't get a job or an interview; I don't know that you'd ever have heard of that 20 years ago.

 

My husband was a professor for a number of years at a fairly well-known university and only had one incident of a parent who was a little too involved. (A mother who called to ask why her daughter failed his class.)

 

When our two older children were in college (employed and in their 20s now), we helped bring in belongings, took them to buy a few last-minute necessities, treated them and friends to a dinner and possbily breakfast the next day, and then drove off. The majority of parents did this. This, of course, doesn't make news. I'd be pleased to see it in The Onion, though. :D

 

To sum it up, I think it's misleading for the writer to cherry pick a few examples and apply that to the whole. Most parents I know have done the best job they can which isn't half-bad considering they're only human and prone to making a few mistakes.

[cathmom]

On the schedule there was a meet-and-greet desert social in the early evening with faculty and admin, then a scheduled good-bye time :) , then a half-hour later a scheduled freshmen-only convocation. Mandatory dorm and commuter meetings followed at 10:30 pm.

 

 

I think a "desert/dessert" social is a great idea! "Here's your cake, now leave!"

 

LOL - I didn't drop my son off at college his freshman year because I had just had a baby 17 days before! :lol:

[TravelingChris]

First of all, I would say that there are definitely parents who are required to pay for college of over 18 children-- divorced ones who had such a stipulation in the divorce decree.

 

Both dh and I tool trains to college so we said goodbyes in our home areas. My son was taken to his college orientation by my husband and they flew overseas. I believe that my dh got a room in the arriving city (since all the flights together and the layover were over 12 hours) and then drove him down the next day. He stayed in the area I think one or two nights. I know he had to help my son set up his room since his partial shipment of household goods was in the postal center, a good 1/2 mile away and it did weight quite a bit. He also used his rental car to help him get certain supplies from a Walmart about four or five miles away (we had been living in Europe for two years by then and didn't have good access to many normal pre-college supplies). I think my son arrived early for some honors program so that is also probably why dh stayed there a few days. My son didn't mind either way.

 

With my dd next year, it will be harder. Not because I am more protective, and she will be 18 or almost 18 when she arrives there unlike my son who was 16.5. No, because she is anxiety prone. It also completely depends where she is in her cycle and how bad that is that month.

 

I do expect to communicate with her much more frequently. She did so this summer when she was away and I expect it will continue. I also think she will want to discuss college class plans with us. Why? Because she values our opinions. Am I there past the time of orientation? I don't think so since I still have one more to homeschool.

[Mandy in TN]

I drove five hours with my 3 sons. I stayed to help set up my oldest's dorm. His roommate had moved in 2 days before from the Congo, so he had already set up the room to his liking and we just rolled with it. After that we stayed long enough to have lunch and go to Walmart to pick up extras and forgotten things. Then, I hit the road and drove five hours back home with 2 sons.

 

While I agree with this part of the article- the dropping off and saying goodbye- I strongly disagree with the rest. It reads as if the author is not close to his family and therefore no one else should be either.

 

Bottom line- many traditionally schooled students have spent their school careers being brainwashed into thinking that it isn’t cool to hang out with their siblings or their parents. As they leave high school and grow into adulthood, they have to then unlearn this as they realize that the people in their family (and not the friends that they ate lunch with in high school) are the ones with whom they will have life long relationships.

 

Why would anyone write an article discouraging a strong family? As a homeschool family who has just dropped off their oldest child, this isn’t just about a transition for our oldest into college or even about a transition for me. It is also very much about the loss that his brothers’ feel, because my oldest was everyone’s best friend.

 

I would much rather hear about a college or read an article that is telling college freshman to respect and love their parents for all that they did to ensure that they had the opportunity to be sitting in a college classroom!

Mandy

[Nicole M]

When I took a short training session a few years ago for college staff working with "The Millennial Child," the author / workshop leader prefaced his comments with, and repeated throughout the talk, "This is not about you or your child." This article is not about us.

 

Yes, it's one-sided, because it's telling a story about what college campuses are dealing with. As for professors who don't encounter these issues often with over-protective parents, well, faculty are pretty protected from dealing with students' families. As a staff member, I do interact with meddling parents much more now than I did ten years ago. The fact is, velcro parents are a problem. Every minute a student spends texting or Facebooking or calling a parent (and for many, this time is excessive) is time that student is not engaged with her immediate surroundings. Technology can help us build and maintain bonds with our children or it can chain them to us in unhealthy ways. There have always been parents who live vicariously through their children, but I think in the past that was a manifestation of emotional ill-health. Now ordinary, caring, engaged, "normal" parents are overly-involved in their children's lives, and that is the issue that colleges face.

 

Now, that is not to say that my buttons weren't pushed by a few lines in that article. I work on a campus, so I see that side of things. But I found the business of physically closing the gates on the parents deeply offensive.

 

As for Houston, whose talk to parents of incoming freshmen I heard at least 25 times (in the venue I manage, where he worked before going to Grinnell), he is a warm, generous, loving bear of a man. He delivered his message with compassion and humor. Because he was a theater major, his line about "staging" did not offend me, because I know that he thinks about these things differently than I do. I encountered him several times on the day he spent escorting the parents of a student who had committed suicide around campus; that was a privilege, seeing the way he comforted them, cared for them. I liked that the author finished the article with the bit about Houston booking the B&B for an extra night and having to do some deep thinking about that.

 

On a lighter note, I keep thinking of the very, very end of that one Muppet Movie, where Animal shouts "Go home! Go home!"

Edited August 24, 2010 by Nicole M

[cathmom]

 

Technology can help us build and maintain bonds with our children or it can chain them to us in unhealthy ways. There have always been parents who live vicariously through their children, but I think in the past that was a manifestation of emotional ill-health.

 

 

Really! I mean, can you imagine Bud's poor life if his father had had modern means of communication when he was away at college????

 

(I'm talking about Splendor in the Grass in case you don't recognize it! :))

[MBM]

Yes, it's one-sided, because it's telling a story about what college campuses are dealing with. As for professors who don't encounter these issues often with over-protective parents, well, faculty are pretty protected from dealing with students' families.

 

This might be true where you work, but at my husband's university, the dean and professors were usually the people who discussed student issues with parents. My husband was called directly by the dean, students, and sometimes concerned parents (even at our home). I wouldn't say he was protected. Far from it.

 

As a staff member, I do interact with meddling parents much more now than I did ten years ago. The fact is, velcro parents are a problem.

 

My beef is with the media generalizing parents as being superinvolved. I wouldn't be surprised if colleges are dealing with more overly involved parents, but it's not true for all and borders on yellow journalism that's designed not to discuss an issue intelligently, but to catch the reader's eye and get emotions running high. It appears to have worked.

[Nicole M]

Nevermind.

[MBM]

Nevermind.

 

LOL! No, I saw your question already, and I think it's a good one. :)

 

I'd suggest the media phrase it as being possibly a growing trend and then explain why it's detrimental and steps parents and students can take to ease the transition. My complaint is with the tone of the article and the portrayal of parents in general. Writers need to be clear and fair. IMO, this writer is either not very skillful or is attempting to write in a sensationalistic manner for a desired effect.

[Nicole M]

LOL! No, I saw your question already, and I think it's a good one. :)

 

I'd suggest the media phrase it as being possibly a growing trend and then explain why it's detrimental and steps parents and students can take to ease the transition. My complaint is with the tone of the article and the portrayal of parents in general. Writers need to be clear and fair. IMO, this writer is either not very skillful or is attempting to write in a sensationalistic manner for a desired effect.

 

Because I know the man interviewed, I didn't see that at all. I'm also not in a good place to have a reasoned debate about the intent or skill of the writer, because I'm about to send my own child off to college next week, and so yes, my emotions are running high, but not because of the article. I also felt that you were willfully misunderstanding the article, and being condescending, and that pushed my buttons. I see now that perhaps you weren't.

 

Perhaps emotions were running high for other readers because, well, the content hits a little too close to home. The truth hurts. And by that I mean, we all have it in us to be the crazy parent. If those gates swung shut on me, you better believe I'd be tempted to fling myself at the bars and scream, "You ****ing bastards! Open these ****ing gates, now, or I'll ****ing climb over them!"

 

ETA: And those asterisks are totally the f-bomb.

 

ETA again: I guess, also, that a lot of the times the argument that "this is just how our family is" seems like protesting too much. Yes, some families communicate daily. And I have to disagree that it's a daughter thing, but yes, sometimes that is totally okay and healthy. (The article, the issue, isn't about those families.) Sometimes not so much.

Edited August 24, 2010 by Nicole M

[MBM]

Because I know the man interviewed, I didn't see that at all. I'm also not in a good place to have a reasoned debate about the intent or skill of the writer, because I'm about to send my own child off to college next week, and so yes, my emotions are running high, but not because of the article. I also felt that you were willfully misunderstanding the article, and being condescending, and that pushed my buttons. I see now that perhaps you weren't.

 

Perhaps emotions were running high for other readers because, well, the content hits a little too close to home. The truth hurts.

 

I don't mean to be condescending, but I guess it would be fair to say I'm being critical and defensive. I often hear comments about how bad parents and children are nowadays, and it strikes a nerve in me. I've seen a lot of good in both, with a few exceptions, but I think I tend to be a Pollyanna and/or my brain is addled.

It sounds like your job lends itself toward dealing with the more difficult side of people, and that can be stressful. Past experiences can definitely affect our viewpoints of situations.

Well, good luck with sending your own child off! I take it you won't be calling the office to complain? (Just kidding.) :)

[ChemMommy]

I had a parent call me within 15 minutes of the final exam ending to demand that I give her precious son special consideration because he had worked hard in the course.

 

I had a parent call not once but TWICE and actually tell me what grade I needed to give her son since they were paying for the course.

 

I had a parent try to come to the advising session to "help" the child choose classes.

 

As a faculty member, you learn to set boundaries and how to laugh about "helicopter parents".

 

As for the "good-bye" thing at the beginning of classes, the faster the good-bye is done, the better for the student. However, I love to hear that students are in frequent contact with their parents. It tends to indicate a solid support system in most cases, rather than the more ominous symbiotic relationship.

[Lizzie in Ma]

Well my opinion is useless as there's no experience to back it up...

 

But...

 

I have mixed emotions about this kind of thing.

 

#1 If parents are actually interfering with the school process, such as going to class as the example given, by all means the school has the right to tell them to go home.

 

#2 If the parents are not actively interfering in the school, then the school should shut up and mind it's own business about students' family dynamics. One persons POV of living vicariously is another parents POV of simply a close knit family. For example, the ending example of the father sticking around to take his dd out to breakfast the next day was simply nice to me. Nothing even a bit wrong or over protective about it. I can totally see enjoying conversation about all their first impressions and excitement over breakfast the next day. I also don't see a problem with texting several times per day. I don't do it, but most chigh school and college kids get multiple texts from their friends and no one is claiming those friends are living vicariously or are clingy. Why slam parents for wanting to be just as in touch with their kids as friends?:confused:

 

#3 I get that it's hard for kids to talk about boundaries with their parents. I just don't think it is the schools job to do it for them. That is part of growing up, manning up, whatever you want to call it. I don't see how the school stepping in is anymore independent building than the parents.

 

pretty much sums up my opinion too

:iagree: