May I have your attention please!

[Cindyg]

How are his sons being educated?

[Scarlett]

How are his sons being educated?

 

Ha! Only a WTM boadie woud ask this! They are being educated in the public school systems of the great state of Oklahoma. His X-wife has custody.

 

Ladies, I clearly see many complications with him (and most men I would consider for a second marriage). He is 2 hours from me, 1 1/2 hours from his sons (a triangle, geographically speaking), he has an X-wife, I have an X-husband, we have lots of hurdles to just SEEING each other....which is one reason he came over last night...he has religious services tonight, mine Thursday...

 

I told him that I told my mom...and he grinned and said, 'I told my mom too.'

 

Dinner got cold as we sat and discussed things....we have both been through horrible divorces with cheating spouses....we know we are emotionally raw...but we are both committed to our faith and our religion and our sons.

 

We figure that is a good starting point.

 

Mutual friends went to quite a bit of trouble to set us up...and it wasn't just 'oh we know two single people, let's invite them over.' This couple discussed us and our personalities and what they know about us and thought there was potential....so I feel pretty good about trusting THEM for this initial phase when I'm afraid I can't trust myself.

 

I'm also praying very hard and trusting in our God.

 

My son has already met him in a casual setting and he knows I had dinner with him last night. I do see the wisdom in not introducing your kids to every man you might date.....but our lives are very much involved in our religion and there will just be too much cross over to keep ds in the dark.

[Scarlett]

Would he be your Rhett Butler or Ashley Wilkes?

 

Take it slow and enjoy getting to know each other. Falling in love is the best!

 

Hmmm......a cross! In looks and manner. He is tall, blonde, confident but not cocky....kind, soft spoken...

[Scarlett]

Since you have already rebounded, I would think that a year after getting "serious/ declaring intentions..." would be a minimum. You want to go "around the calendar" with him and see what strange things he does at Christmas and just how drunk his uncle Mike gets on the 4th of July and all of that stuff you know.

 

Then again, what do I know. I knew I would marry dh after our first date so maybe you just know.

 

 

 

:D

[Pamela H in Texas]

You want to go "around the calendar" with him and see what strange things he does at Christmas and just how drunk his uncle Mike gets on the 4th of July and all of that stuff you know.

 

Hee hee...

 

I *promise* he does strange thigns by most people's standards at Christmas time and the 4th. LOL

 

And don't go too much based on family. Seriously, I spent time with a part of hubby's family last weekend. Had I met those same people (at those ages and such) 18 years ago? I probably would have run for the hills! I'm glad I met them after 18 years living with my hubby to know he's just not like them....THANKFULLY!

 

I'm joking about that stuff of course. I do think it's important to take some time. At the same time? Long courtships aren't everything. Sometimes you just know.

Edited August 17, 2010 by 2J5M9K

[Scarlett]

Hee hee...

 

I *promise* he does strange thigns by most people's standards at Christmas time and the 4th. LOL

And don't go too much based on family. Seriously, I spent time with a part of hubby's family last weekend. Had I met those same people (at those ages and such) 18 years ago? I probably would have run for the hills! I'm glad I met them after 18 years living with my hubby to know he's just not like them....THANKFULLY!

 

I'm joking about that stuff of course. I do think it's important to take some time. At the same time? Long courtships aren't everything. Sometimes you just know.

 

Funny Pam. You should see us trying to schedule time to see each other....and trying to decide if he should come to my meeting on Sunday or not. And should we sit together!

 

It is weird....we both know that we need to get to know each other...but at the same time...there is no game playing....no wondering what we each think...I LOVE that!

[Scarlett]

And don't go too much based on family. Seriously, I spent time with a part of hubby's family last weekend. Had I met those same people (at those ages and such) 18 years ago? I probably would have run for the hills! I'm glad I met them after 18 years living with my hubby to know he's just not like them....THANKFULLY!

 

About family....he has told a sister, a brother and his mother about me....I like that...and I like that they are excited.

[Carrie12345]

 

My son has already met him in a casual setting and he knows I had dinner with him last night. I do see the wisdom in not introducing your kids to every man you might date.....but our lives are very much involved in our religion and there will just be too much cross over to keep ds in the dark.

 

You know what your son can or can't handle, and how far to include him.

 

I tried very hard to keep my (then 18mo) ds and now-dh separated b/c it was "the right thing to do". That lasted a few weeks before I realized that now-dh needed to know what he was getting into, and that ds deserved a chance to chose between sharing his toy trucks or biting the strange man, lol. He shared his trucks AND his cupcake!

 

I had had no plans to date at all before this guy came into my life, so I wasn't really concerned that there would ever be a stream of men coming through the house. Marrying him kind of solidified that! ;)

[MariannNOVA]

I've met someone! I mean.....a man!

 

I'm so excited....he is of my faith, 2 years younger than me, 2 boys near my son's age....2 years out of a 21 year marriage where wife just up and leaves..another man involved.....he is a friend of my BEST friends in the world......

 

He and I both drove to their house for a cook out/to meet each other and we really hit it off. It was amazing.

 

I might survive this divorce afterall.

 

I am so happy for you!

 

I wanted to say, though, that you already HAVE survived the divorce......and stunningly well, I might say.;) Now, my dear :grouphug:, you are enjoying your life.

 

Much love - you sound so happy! :grouphug:

[Pamela H in Texas]

Generally I agree with keeping kids separate from dates until dates become serious.

 

However, I understand the special circumstances involved both within our religion and what Scarlet has mentioned and know that it would be pretty near impossible to make all those hurdles that may be ideal. I don't think Scarlet needs to be forced into singleness because of it.

 

Also, I think I'm more willing to make allowances for Scarlet because I know she's bright and capable of adjusting for her son as necessary.

[QuirkyKapers]

Yeah!:)

[Scarlett]

Generally I agree with keeping kids separate from dates until dates become serious.

 

However, I understand the special circumstances involved both within our religion and what Scarlet has mentioned and know that it would be pretty near impossible to make all those hurdles that may be ideal. I don't think Scarlet needs to be forced into singleness because of it.

 

Also, I think I'm more willing to make allowances for Scarlet because I know she's bright and capable of adjusting for her son as necessary.

 

Awwww.....I heart you Pamela. (now that sounded bright didn't it? LOL)

[Gooblink]

Dinner got cold as we sat and discussed things....we have both been through horrible divorces with cheating spouses....we know we are emotionally raw...but we are both committed to our faith and our religion and our sons.

 

We figure that is a good starting point.

 

 

 

Sounds like the ideal starting point. That's wonderful. :)

[laughing lioness]

:party:I'm so happy for you!!:001_smile:

[Scarlett]

We took dss on our first date. He was 10 mo. Neither dh nor I were looking for someone when we met. It just happened. Neither of us wanted to mess around either. There was a little boy involved, we couldn't afford to be coy. It was either going to work or it wasn't and we needed to know sooner, rather than later. We got to the 'brutally honest about ourselves" stage pretty quickly.

 

That was what last night was about for us. In fact, on the phone when I knew he was coming I said, 'I just want to get this out there now in case it is a deal breaker..' He started laughing and said that was why he was coming to say something similar to me.

 

I guess if you consider our first meeting our first date....and we did go there to meet each other....then ds was there....ds didn't realize anything was unusual about it until he walked us to our car.

[Catwoman]

He sounds wonderful, Scarlett -- I really like it that he is open and willing to discuss "the important stuff" right from the beginning, so you both know where things stand between you. I also think it's very cool that he drove so far to have dinner with you on a weeknight!

 

Just take your time and have fun! Whatever happens will happen, and although it's fun to fall in love, remember to try to stay rational and sensible about his shortcomings (because we all have them,) and be sure that they are things you can deal with. You're at a bit of a disadvantage because you don't live right around the corner from each other, so it will take a lot longer to see the annoying habits and quirky behaviors, so please don't rush into anything for a while.

 

He sounds like he could very well be a keeper, but don't let yourself put him on a pedestal, either!

 

(And yes, I know I'm always the cautious and suspicious one. I'm trying to cut back on that -- I really am! I just know what you went through with your ex, and I want you to be happy and not get disappointed, so I guess I'm just being overprotective! :grouphug:)

 

Cat

[Scarlett]

He sounds wonderful, Scarlett -- I really like it that he is open and willing to discuss "the important stuff" right from the beginning, so you both know where things stand between you. I also think it's very cool that he drove so far to have dinner with you on a weeknight!

 

Just take your time and have fun! Whatever happens will happen, and although it's fun to fall in love, remember to try to stay rational and sensible about his shortcomings (because we all have them,) and be sure that they are things you can deal with. You're at a bit of a disadvantage because you don't live right around the corner from each other, so it will take a lot longer to see the annoying habits and quirky behaviors, so please don't rush into anything for a while.

 

He sounds like he could very well be a keeper, but don't let yourself put him on a pedestal, either!

 

(And yes, I know I'm always the cautious and suspicious one. I'm trying to cut back on that -- I really am! I just know what you went through with your ex, and I want you to be happy and not get disappointed, so I guess I'm just being overprotective! :grouphug:)

 

Cat

 

Thank you Cat...Trust me we aren't putting each other on a pedestal...that is why he drove over to see me last night....

 

I have this conversation with XH running through my head and it has been making me giggle all morning....I had just busted him out on the affair...he was behaving contritely but said, 'do you think you will find anyone as successful as me?'

I said, 'Define success.'

 

He blinked and opened his mouth and then shut it.

 

I don't know why that is making me laugh today. The conversation happened over a year ago..

[Catwoman]

I had just busted him out on the affair...he was behaving contritely but said, 'do you think you will find anyone as successful as me?'

I said, 'Define success.'

 

:lol::lol::lol::lol:

 

That was the perfect response!!!

 

Cat

[Erica in PA]

I've met someone! I mean.....a man!

 

I'm so excited....he is of my faith, 2 years younger than me, 2 boys near my son's age....2 years out of a 21 year marriage where wife just up and leaves..another man involved.....he is a friend of my BEST friends in the world......

 

He and I both drove to their house for a cook out/to meet each other and we really hit it off. It was amazing.

 

I might survive this divorce afterall.

 

I'm glad you're happy, Scarlett, but as a grown child of divorce, I can't help but also mention how hard it can be for children when their parents date. Even though my parents had a horrible marriage that I was desperate for them to end (even at age 6), and even though I wasn't close with my dad at all, and even though my mom waited several years after the divorce to date, it still was very painful for me when she dated. It was like she could replace my dad with another man (and truthfully it wouldn't have been hard to find someone "better" than him), and be thrilled and happy and over the moon, but I could never have another real father. I felt as though we had been together in our pain and loss, but once she met someone she was suddenly all better, and I *never* would be. I felt very separated from her then. I don't know what the answer is, because most divorced parents do want to remarry... I guess I just wanted to give a little reminder that for many children, watching their parents happy with someone new after a divorce isn't very happy for them. I would just recommend being very sensitive to your son right now, as I sure you are being, and make sure he knows that he will always be number one in your life.

[catalinakel]

Since you have already rebounded, I would think that a year after getting "serious/ declaring intentions..." would be a minimum. You want to go "around the calendar" with him and see what strange things he does at Christmas and just how drunk his uncle Mike gets on the 4th of July and all of that stuff you know.

 

Then again, what do I know. I knew I would marry dh after our first date so maybe you just know.

 

I think getting to know someone over the course of a year is also a good idea...alot can happen in a year, and by then the butterflies will have settled down so you have clear vision. How fun!

[Scarlett]

I'm glad you're happy, Scarlett, but as a grown child of divorce, I can't help but also mention how hard it can be for children when their parents date. Even though my parents had a horrible marriage that I was desperate for them to end (even at age 6), and even though I wasn't close with my dad at all, and even though my mom waited several years after the divorce to date, it still was very painful for me when she dated. It was like she could replace my dad with another man (and truthfully it wouldn't have been hard to find someone "better" than him), and be thrilled and happy and over the moon, but I could never have another real father. I felt as though we had been together in our pain and loss, but once she met someone she was suddenly all better, and I *never* would be. I felt very separated from her then. I don't know what the answer is, because most divorced parents do want to remarry... I guess I just wanted to give a little reminder that for many children, watching their parents happy with someone new after a divorce isn't very happy for them. I would just recommend being very sensitive to your son right now, as I sure you are being, and make sure he knows that he will always be number one in your life.

 

I know Erica....I am a child of divorce whose mother didn't remarry or even date....she focused ALL of herself on us. (she did remarry 9 years ago, but I was long grown). I don't know the answer either....but ds does still have his dad in his life.....

 

Funny you should mention that about ds staying important in my life...This new man (what am I suppose to call him on here? His initial is J--I'll go with that) Ok, J told me last night that he is looking for someone who puts God first...and that he recognizes my ds will always be the next priority...and he wants that....as his sons will be to him. And that is a break from how I (and he) feels about intact families...a healthy intact family should have the husband/wife relationship number one (well, after God of course) and if that thrives the children will naturally benefit and feel loved and secure...but it can't be that way when step parents/children are involved..

 

Won't be easy I know. But it sure feels good at the moment. :tongue_smilie:

[Scarlett]

Just a sweet comment from J I want to share with my peeps here...he was being cautioned by good friends, 'take your time, you need to really get to know her....' He said, 'you don't understand. I've known her for 100 years.'

 

He is awesome. :001_wub: (I've wanted to use that emoticon forEVER.)

[Nakia]

Just a sweet comment from J I want to share with my peeps here...he was being cautioned by good friends, 'take your time, you need to really get to know her....' He said, 'you don't understand. I've known her for 100 years.'

 

He is awesome. :001_wub: (I've wanted to use that emoticon forEVER.)

 

That is perfectly romantic! Love it!

[MariannNOVA]

Just a sweet comment from J I want to share with my peeps here...he was being cautioned by good friends, 'take your time, you need to really get to know her....' He said, 'you don't understand. I've known her for 100 years.'

 

He is awesome. :001_wub: (I've wanted to use that emoticon forEVER.)

 

:hurray::hurray: Butterflies when someone walks into the room or when the phone rings are so NICE!:grouphug:

[sunshine]

Just a sweet comment from J I want to share with my peeps here...he was being cautioned by good friends, 'take your time, you need to really get to know her....' He said, 'you don't understand. I've known her for 100 years.'

 

He is awesome. :001_wub: (I've wanted to use that emoticon forEVER.)

 

Oh that made me tear up and almost cry! That is the Perfect Answer. Bless your new life Scarlett.

[Miss Peregrine]

Not sure how I missed this.

 

I am excited for you, Scarlett!:grouphug:

[*Inna*]

I have this conversation with XH running through my head and it has been making me giggle all morning....I had just busted him out on the affair...he was behaving contritely but said, 'do you think you will find anyone as successful as me?'

I said, 'Define success.'

 

He blinked and opened his mouth and then shut it.

 

I don't know why that is making me laugh today. The conversation happened over a year ago..

 

Bravo! :hurray:

[Scarlett]

:) Things are going well. He met my parents last weekend and I'm meeting his tomorrow. This past weekend he picked my ds and me up on Friday and we met my parents and other friends in a nearby city where his brother lives....Ds and I stayed at the hotel with my parents and he went to his brother's.....we spent all day Sat and all day Sun at a special religious service...met LOTS of people...saw lots of people from my childhood....met one of his sisters....it was awesome.

 

My mom loves him. His sister and brother (the two of 6 I've met) love me....and we love each other!!! :001_wub:

 

Cooking for his parents tomorrow, so I'm nervous about that. Tonight he is across town at friend's house...he and the friends are coming for breakfast at 7:00...and then he is working on a project here at my house for me.

 

I did have at least one funny encounter with an old friend from my childhood...she is my mother's age. I hugged and kissed her and introduced her to J. She stared in shock at me for an instant and then looked at J...and then back to me and said, 'Are you divorced?' :lol:

 

I guess no one passed on that piece of info to her...that my 26 year marriage blew up a year ago.

 

It was a GREAT weekend.

[TN Mama]

It was a GREAT weekend.

 

Sounds like it! So glad you stopped in to update. Everyone has been waiting. :D So, SO happy for you!

[Starr]

:001_tt1:

 

Everyone around here has :bigear: ! :lol:

 

Thanks for checking in so we can all sleep well. I'm so glad things are going well.

[Scarlett]

Thank you all!

[specialmama]

Sounds amazing, Scarlett! What are you planning on cooking for his parents? Are you going to try to dazzle 'em or stay in your comfort zone and serve your specialties? I'm still nervous about cooking for my dh's parents... I don't remember the first time, but it was before we were married. I don't think I slept the night before. :lol:

[Rosie_0801]

Cooking for his parents tomorrow

 

That's SERIOUS :001_huh:

 

 

You go, Girl.

 

:lol:

Rosie

[freetobeme]

so happy for you! :)

[Nakia]

:) and we love each other!!! :001_wub:

 

 

 

Does this mean what I think it means? That you and J are falling in love? OMG! How exciting!!!!!!!!!

[Mom in High Heels]

Fantastic! Thanks for the update!

[Hedgehog]

Fantastic news! :hurray:

[Karenciavo]

I'm a cautious person like Cadam :D but I want to wish you great joy and many blessings - he sounds like a great guy.

[Scarlett]

Sounds amazing, Scarlett! What are you planning on cooking for his parents? Are you going to try to dazzle 'em or stay in your comfort zone and serve your specialties? I'm still nervous about cooking for my dh's parents... I don't remember the first time, but it was before we were married. I don't think I slept the night before. :lol:

 

Definitely staying in my comfort zone! Yikes! My parents are coming too, so that will (probably) help. What doesn't help is that J cooks very well. We took lunches this weekend and you should have seen the spread he brought for us. I made PB& Honey and he made to die for salads. It was impressive.

 

I am make lasangna, salad and bread. Simple. A few weeks ago when he was saying he couldn't wait for his mom to meet me I said (jokingly) that I would have to be on my best behavior. He grinned and said, 'I would SO not recommend that. She will see through a show in a heartbeat.' It was a lighthearted exchange but it did remind me to just be myself. That was what I did with him and THAT turned out well...so there!

 

We were talking this morning (on the phone) about the (very few) people in our life saying to slow down....and we wonder...how do you do that? Not talk for a few months so some time can go by?

 

We are both very comfortable with the way things are progressing. We are in our 40s and know what we want and are being honest about our needs and what we anticipate the trouble areas to be.

 

And to whomever asked does it mean we are falling in love---yes. Definitely yes. It is an AMAZING feeling...better at 45 than 15.

[Catwoman]

:party: :party: :party:

 

I'm so happy for you, Scarlett! J sounds like a wonderful man, and I hope everything works out for you. It sounds like you're doing everything right, and that you're discussing all of the "important stuff" and getting to know each others' families.

 

I know you went through the wringer with your ex, so I'm sure you're keeping your head on straight and being cautious with J. You're way past the "believe whatever he tells you" stage of life, so I'm not worried that you're seeing J through rose-colored glasses.

 

I hope your ds likes J, too -- I'm sure he must, or else you wouldn't be with him, as I know that your ds means the world to you.

 

Good luck with his parents -- I know they will like you, because you're a great person, and also because it's pretty clear that their son is over the moon crazy about you!

 

And it goes without saying that we expect an update, because we're all living vicariously through you! ;):D

 

Hugs for luck and a perfect lasagna! :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

Cat

[Nakia]

 

And to whomever asked does it mean we are falling in love---yes. Definitely yes. It is an AMAZING feeling...better at 45 than 15.

 

That was me! I have goosebumps! I am so happy for you!!!!!!

[Scarlett]

That was me! I have goosebumps! I am so happy for you!!!!!!

 

It went well. :) My parents came early and my mom helped me in the kitchen while J continued to work on the project he had going. He JUST now left to go to our friend's house to spend the night. He has a 2 hour drive to his office in the morning....coming by to have coffee with me before he heads out.

 

His parents came and stayed for several hours. It was fine I think. I was nervous..but my mom and his dad talked enough for all of us. :tongue_smilie: I cooked and everyone ate it....so I guess that was ok..

 

Everything is fine girls except a few issues with ds...J has two boys of his own and seems to think it is normal for ds to act this way....things like punching J everytime he witnesses any affection between us...that kind of thing. Irritates me to no end, but I guess I just have to deal with it. I told ds that I understand he might have some strong feelings and concerns but disrespect toward guests in my home will not be tolerated.

 

My friends say I am twitterpated.

[Scarlett]

:party: :party: :party:

 

I'm so happy for you, Scarlett! J sounds like a wonderful man, and I hope everything works out for you. It sounds like you're doing everything right, and that you're discussing all of the "important stuff" and getting to know each others' families.

 

I know you went through the wringer with your ex, so I'm sure you're keeping your head on straight and being cautious with J. You're way past the "believe whatever he tells you" stage of life, so I'm not worried that you're seeing J through rose-colored glasses.

 

I hope your ds likes J, too -- I'm sure he must, or else you wouldn't be with him, as I know that your ds means the world to you.

 

Good luck with his parents -- I know they will like you, because you're a great person, and also because it's pretty clear that their son is over the moon crazy about you!

 

And it goes without saying that we expect an update, because we're all living vicariously through you! ;):D

 

Hugs for luck and a perfect lasagna! :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

Cat

 

Thank you! lasagna was great and things went well.

 

Ds has been on less than his best behavior with J but I keep talking to him and I think things will work out.

[Catwoman]

Ds has been on less than his best behavior with J but I keep talking to him and I think things will work out.

 

He is probably feeling jealous and left out. He thought it was going to be just the two of you, and now there's an interloper.

 

Please remember to let your ds know that he will always come first in your life. I can tell that you're head over heels for J, so I'm sure your ds senses it as well, and of course he's resentful. Who could blame him?

 

I'm not saying that your ds should rule your life and decide whom you can and can't date, but your relationship with J is moving very quickly, and it may be too much for your ds to handle right now. The poor kid has been through so much, and I would hate to think he's unhappy because of your new relationship.

 

Perhaps J could speak with your ds and have a little "man to man" chat about your ds's feelings toward him? Your ds may also worry that because J already has sons of his own, that he will never be important enough to him -- and he may also hate the idea of sharing his mom with J's sons (no matter how old they are, or how far away they live.)

 

I'm so happy for you that things are working out with J, but he's still just a man you've met, and is replaceable. Your son is your son forever, and his needs really need to come first.

 

I hope J and your son are able to work things out and that they will soon be great friends, but if the relationship keeps moving so quickly, your ds may be too overwhelmed and angry, and may feel as though J is replacing him in your life and your heart.

 

Sorry to bring this up, but I know that when a person is in love, it's easy to lose sight of what matters most, and in this case, it's your ds, not J. (And I'm not saying that you don't already know that, but I also know how easy it is to get very annoyed by a rude, misbehaving 11yo!)

 

(And I'm wondering if I should put on my flame-retardant suit, because I'm sure some people aren't going to like this post... )

 

Cat

[sassenach]

I totally agree. If that means taking things superhuman slow (not seeing each other as often as you would like), then that's what you have to do.

 

And congrats!

He is probably feeling jealous and left out. He thought it was going to be just the two of you, and now there's an interloper.

 

Please remember to let your ds know that he will always come first in your life. I can tell that you're head over heels for J, so I'm sure your ds senses it as well, and of course he's resentful. Who could blame him?

 

I'm not saying that your ds should rule your life and decide whom you can and can't date, but your relationship with J is moving very quickly, and it may be too much for your ds to handle right now. The poor kid has been through so much, and I would hate to think he's unhappy because of your new relationship.

 

Perhaps J could speak with your ds and have a little "man to man" chat about your ds's feelings toward him? Your ds may also worry that because J already has sons of his own, that he will never be important enough to him -- and he may also hate the idea of sharing his mom with J's sons (no matter how old they are, or how far away they live.)

 

I'm so happy for you that things are working out with J, but he's still just a man you've met, and is replaceable. Your son is your son forever, and his needs really need to come first.

 

I hope J and your son are able to work things out and that they will soon be great friends, but if the relationship keeps moving so quickly, your ds may be too overwhelmed and angry, and may feel as though J is replacing him in your life and your heart.

 

Sorry to bring this up, but I know that when a person is in love, it's easy to lose sight of what matters most, and in this case, it's your ds, not J. (And I'm not saying that you don't already know that, but I also know how easy it is to get very annoyed by a rude, misbehaving 11yo!)

 

(And I'm wondering if I should put on my flame-retardant suit, because I'm sure some people aren't going to like this post... )

 

Cat

[Scarlett]

Ds has been on less than his best behavior with J but I keep talking to him and I think things will work out.

 

My comment above doesn't begin to explain what I've said and done so far to help ds. I thought that when I posted it but was trying to be brief.

 

He is probably feeling jealous and left out. He thought it was going to be just the two of you, and now there's an interloper.

 

Yes, and ds has said repeatedly, 'my mommy! I want you to be my mommy.' Puzzling me with what appears to be baby talk from this kid who is normally so mature and well spoken for his age. So I have said all the things like

 

Please remember to let your ds know that he will always come first in your life.

 

One of the first conversations with J was him telling me that our children have to come first. That they are helpless and depend on us. I of course agree with that and I've relayed that to ds. I've also explained that people have multiple relationships---with children, parents, friends, neighbors...and that it is perfectly normal for me to have a relationship with a man. I've explained that love is mulitplied not divided. Ds chewed on that for a day or two and told me this morning that it might not divide love but it divides my time. Point taken ds. :D I've made a point to do talk on the phone to J early mornings while he is driving to work and before ds wakes up....trying to be sensitive to his needs without letting him be the boss of me.

 

 

 

 

Perhaps J could speak with your ds and have a little "man to man" chat about your ds's feelings toward him? Your ds may also worry that because J already has sons of his own, that he will never be important enough to him -- and he may also hate the idea of sharing his mom with J's sons (no matter how old they are, or how far away they live.

 

Interesting, just minutes ago ds was cuddling next to me and told me he loved me and I said love you too....and he said, 'can you ever be anyone else's mommy?' I said, 'no. I could be someone else's step-mother, but you will always be my only child and the most important thing in the world to me.'

 

J seems to understand ds's feelings and actions better at this point than I do and I am listening to him....he says ds absolutely shouldn't be disiplined for his feelings. And I replied yes BUT he can't be allowed to be rude to my guests. So we are working on it all. The issue is complex and I am dealing with it---more so than my first post really expressed.

 

 

Sorry to bring this up, but I know that when a person is in love, it's easy to lose sight of what matters most, and in this case, it's your ds, not J. (And I'm not saying that you don't already know that, but I also know how easy it is to get very annoyed by a rude, misbehaving 11yo!)Cat

 

Don't be sorry to mention it....and I will freely admit I've been VERY annoyed by ds's rude misbehavior the last bit. I feel like saying, 'who do you think you are!' and in fact have had to remind him he IS the child....he isn't being excluded...it isn't like I sent him to a sitter's while I spent the weekend with J. He was with us the entire time.

 

Thanks everyone for your interest and concern. :001_smile:

[Catwoman]

....trying to be sensitive to his needs without letting him be the boss of me.

 

 

It's so tricky, isn't it? :grouphug:

 

Well, it sounds like you're doing everything possible to keep everyone happy, and it also sounds like J is very concerned about your ds's feelings, which is incredibly important, so I think you're covering all of your bases. You're listening to your ds and taking his concerns seriously, which is something many people don't bother to do, and I'm sure he knows how much you love him. He will come around in time, but it may take a while. If he still feels that he's getting the majority of your love, time, and attention, he will probably be quicker to accept J, than if he views him as a competitor.

 

One good thing is that it seems like J wants to do what's best for you and your ds, so if you do end up needing to slow things down a little for the sake of your ds's happiness and comfort level, I'm sure it would be ok with him -- especially if you continue your "covert operations" like the early-morning phone calls that will let J know that his feelings are important to you, too.

 

I hope everything works out for you, Scarlett, as you truly deserve happiness! :grouphug:

 

Cat

[teamturner]

What doesn't help is that J cooks very well.

 

Scarlett, I missed your posts from the beginning and I'm now caught up! I am so happy for you!!

 

On the cooking issue, my dh is an awesome cook (better than me) and I am so thankful for that. He enjoys cooking and does most of the cooking on the weekends.

 

So don't let J's cooking skills intimidate you. Just call it a bonus!! :D

[Rosie_0801]

Hopefully J and Son can work a lot of it out between themselves. They do need to have a direct relationship with each other, instead of it being via you. Obviously Son needs to use some manners, but don't get offended on J's behalf if he's taking the process in his stride. It's difficult for Son, but eventually he's going to find having a man around who isn't uptight a positive thing.

 

Hard as it may be, try not to talk about J ALL the time ;) That was the most annoying thing when my Mum started dating again. "Boyfriend said this, Boyfriend said that" all day, every day. Urgh! It would have been urgh even if we had liked Boyfriend.

 

Good luck. Your boy will learn to deal eventually, he just won't like the process.

 

:)

Rosie

[Scarlett]

Scarlett, I missed your posts from the beginning and I'm now caught up! I am so happy for you!!

 

On the cooking issue, my dh is an awesome cook (better than me) and I am so thankful for that. He enjoys cooking and does most of the cooking on the weekends.

 

So don't let J's cooking skills intimidate you. Just call it a bonus!! :D

 

Good point! I will keep that in mind. :001_smile: