What do you do for the three year old who refuses to potty train?

[ChristusG]

DD is 3 years and 5 months. Every time I even mention potty training she goes into a fit. If I pull out the potty she runs away. If I try to put on training undies she kicks her feet and rolls around so that I can't get them on. If I leave her without a diaper, she freaks out crying and grabs her bottom because she's afraid that pee will run down her leg. If I leave her like this, she pitches a terrible fit screaming that she wants her diaper back on.

 

Good grief! :001_huh::001_huh::001_huh:

 

I've tried telling her that big girls use the bathroom in the potty. She could care less. She knows that when she potty trains she gets to go to the toy store and choose something. She likes this idea....but not enough to do anythinng about it. She could care less about sitting in a wet or poopy diaper.

 

I keep waiting.....and waiting....and waiting.....thinking "oh, I'll try next month." Next month she does the same thing.

 

Do I just keep waiting? I really dislike changing a three year old's poopy diaper. I mean, surely she'll be trained by college, right?

[TrixieB]

I had one very noncompliant child. I decided to give the job to dh. He is a lot more laid back than I am, and whaddaya know, he managed to get her potty trained very quickly. I don't know how he did it, though.

[Parrothead]

Not knowing your dd, take this with a grain.

 

It sounds like a control issue, and she is winning. It won't hurt her to have a screaming fit because she has a bare rear.

 

I'd give the neighbors a heads up and let her scream, throw her fit and get over it. Be firm, but at the same time understanding. Buy ear plugs if you have to.

 

IMHO you are teaching her that she gets her way when she has a fit.

[StephanieZ]

Could you "run out" of diapers. Perhaps while you are car-less as the "car is in the shop" (even if that means you and dh arrange for an overnight oil change and tire rotation and then park it at dh's work or a friend's house)?

 

Oh, dear, no more diapers! Look at that! Well, it's big girl undies or bare butt today. What do you want to do, little one?

 

Nope, can't get more. Nope, not gonna happen. Oooooh, here's a popsicle! Have a lemonade! Want a soda? Oh, you need to pee?!? Well, if you get some in the potty, you can have another popsicle! :)

 

Assuming there is no underlying psychological issue, I think the above might work well. If it doesn't, well, then, really, I'd ask the pediatrician b/c I agree that 3+ is plenty old enough!

[sparrow]

I let it go, stopped trying to train, and both of my kids used the potty at 3 years 8 months on their own, without an accident afterward. Maybe you just have 3 more months to go :001_smile:.

[EKS]

I would decide when the last day with diapers will be. You could tie it to becoming 3 1/2, for instance. I would inform her the day before that because she will be 3 1/2 tomorrow (or whatever) that she will no longer be wearing diapers. And then stick to it and stick to it and stick to it. Even if she has accidents and even if they're poopy accidents, stick to it. Even if she freaks out, I'd just very calmly go about my business and ignore it. And stick to it.

 

Or you could just keep on with the diapers until she decides she's too old for them.

[iammommy]

I'd let it go and try again in a few months. Not a biggie.

 

Nan

[Tracy in Ky]

First try bribery (it worked with ds).

 

If that doesn't work, keep waiting. She might not be ready. :)

[EarleneW]

We ran out of diapers and didn't buy more.

[Wheres Toto]

I don't have any advice but I sympathize. My just turned 3 year old is the same way. Except she doesn't scream going around bottomless - she just pees and poops and goes on her merry way. She doesn't mind being wet or dirty, doesn't mind pee running down her leg, doesn't mind soaking wet pants....

 

I've done the "Oh NO We're out of diapers", the "Big Girls who want to take dance classes have to use the potty" as well as stickers, silly bandz (bracelets to her), M&Ms, etc. Nothing works and pushing her to go on the potty results in kicking and screaming to the point it is impossible to get her to actually sit on it.

 

I've pretty much given up for now. My son was very hard as well and was almost 4 years old before he stopped having daily accidents. I thought we'd never get there but now he's good.

 

When she's ready, it will happen.

[mhg]

Not that this is MY recommendation...just a funny story.

I met this elderly lady a few years ago and we were having this talk and she said, "When we were kids, if we didn't learn right quick, my momma rubbed our noses right down in the feces and it didn't take us but once to start using that potty."

 

HORRORS!

[Wheres Toto]

Not that this is MY recommendation...just a funny story.

I met this elderly lady a few years ago and we were having this talk and she said, "When we were kids, if we didn't learn right quick, my momma rubbed our noses right down in the feces and it didn't take us but once to start using that potty."

 

HORRORS!

 

I have an aunt that told me she used to make her kids wear the dirty underwear on their heads for an hour. :001_huh:

YUCK!

[mama23]

If it were me, I think I would probably "run out" of the diapers and just let her have her fit. Then encourage her to use the potty and to help that process along, offer her "special" drinks and salty snacks to encourage the need to go. Once she starts showing she needs to go, just take her to the potty and then lots of love, special treat, and maybe a special phone call to someone to tell them that she did it. Let her choose which potty she uses when the time comes too, maybe that will help. Good Luck!!

[Food4Thought]

I'd let it go and try again in a few months. Not a biggie.

 

 

:iagree:

 

I know it seems like a biggie when you're still changing diapers every day, but it will be much less of a struggle if you wait until she's ready. It seems to me that she doesn't know *when* she might pee, which is why she is afraid of it. Once her body kicks in to start feeling it, I'll bet she'll be using the potty in no time. (My DS was nearly 5 when he finally *got* it, after a lot of struggle. I waited for DD - and she was a few months shy of her 4th birthday. It only took about 3 days to train her once she was ready.)

[sbgrace]

I decided to just wait. It's really not worth the power struggle. Our pediatrician told me most kids are trained by age 4 but many aren't at age 3 and with one kiddo I thought we would hit 4. But he did it. She will too. I'd back off for now.

[Mandamom]

Of course, you might end up waiting until age 5. That's what I did. :(

 

My daughter NEVER had an accident. If she wasn't wearing diapers she wouldn't eliminate at all -- so after 24 hours she's be screaming because her belly hurt so bad but she still wouldn't (power struggle) go. She ended up at the doc several times because I thought there was infections but it turned out there was nothing. The ped just told me to wait until she was older. I tried this several times (3, 3.5, 4, etc.) but she finally started going when she was 5 with me hugging/holding her tight while she was on the toilet. After 2 weeks she started going by herself. That wasn't easy for her but she finally did it.

 

I'll say again, she NEVER had an accident from the age of 14 months on so I couldn't even just let her run around naked time. Her will has always, and continues to be incredible. My other daughter trained at 3.5 and my son trained at 2.5 (he was always having accidents as a toddler) and I raised them all the same way.

 

All that to say -- your daughter will train eventually :)

[Nakia]

My oldest two were potty trained by 2 years old. With Cora, I thought it would be the same. Ha! She showed me. I bribed, reasoned, begged, cried, screamed, all to no avail. And then last summer when she was 3.5, she literally woke up one day and potty trained herself. I didn't even know she was going to the potty until she called for me to come help her wipe. I had heard of kids before who did this, but I didn't believe it.

[ChristusG]

Thanks for all the suggestions!!

 

I'm all for the "wait till they are ready" approach. With my 6 year old DD, I just waited until nearly three years old and then I would just try to train her every month or so. If it didn't work out within the first few hours, I'd just give up and try again the next month. At 3 years and 4 months it just suddenly clicked and she never had an accident.

 

I thought for sure that DD#2 would train earlier since she had a big sister to model how to use the potty and wear undies. But nope, she wants to take longer LOL. Potty training is just an issue that I'm not willing to stress over or push.....or clean up accidents all over my floor LOL. But I was just wondering if she's taking *too* long to train.

 

Next week I may try again. I don't think she understands how to use her muscles to make herself pee when sitting on the potty. She just unconsciously pees while standing somewhere and wearing a diaper....but I don't think she knows how to make her body pee. And she's absolutely terrified of it running down her leg. That happened one time and you would think that it was jagged pieces of glass running down her leg....that's how badly she screamed LOL.

[Ottakee]

Is there something she wants to do come fall---new Sunday School class, AWANA cubbies, homeschool group, play group, etc that would require her to be trained. If it is just a will thing, that might motivate her.

 

On the flip side, I had 1 that didn't train until 4 years, 8 months but it was due to mild CP. The urologist said she just couldn't get the signals back and forth and not to worry about it. Once it clicked, she was fine day and night within just a few days.

[Veritaserum]

My 3.5yo dd was like yours (anxiety, refusal, etc.). About six weeks ago she needed a diaper change. We were upstairs and there were no more diapers in that spot. I told her, "Oh! The diapers are all gone." She asked if we could go to the diaper store, but I said no. She fussed for awhile, but then asked for panties instead of being bare. She had two accidents in the first week, but has been fine since then. Once the diapers were "all gone" I did not ever put one on her again.

 

It was slightly traumatic the first day (she has sensory issues), but she's fine now. She has even started peeing and pooping in the real toilet (with her potty seat on top to prevent her from falling in). I am LOVING not having to change her diapers anymore. :)

[elizabeth]

My dd used her potty chair as a grand hat. She wore it all around the house and laughed at me when I told her it was for pee etc. Yep she was reading with ease most picture books but would not use the *^&%& potty. At 3 . First day of kindy she used the bathroom just fine. AAAAACCKKK!!! And people wonder why I have stark white hairs with my delightful and very bright young lady. This says it all...

[gsanmb]

Do you think there might be some kind of anxiety involved?

 

It might be a control issue, but not because she's trying to consciously manipulate you in a 'I won't listen to Mommy" way.

 

My nephew (and niece) both had real anxiety over training, and no matter what my SIL tried, it didn't work (to the point of backfiring to real constipation issues which became terrible to deal with).

 

Finally, she asked them if they would like to have a diaper/pull-up when they were ready to 'make' and then take it off afterwards. Both of them took to this idea, and would do the whole shebang themselves. For pee, this lasted very little time (like a week) before they would just skip the diaper and go in the toilet.

 

For poop, they would take the pullup into the bathroom, remove their underwear, make in the pullup, call for her to help them wipe, then helped dispose of it properly (put the poop in the toilet then throw out the diaper).

 

Somehow this alleviated their anxiety over the toilet and they were able to overcome it. My nephew took a lot longer -- he was almost 5; my niece was able to get completely trained by nearly 4.

 

It's just an idea. However, I do find that trying to force this issue almost always backfires. And, although this might be an unpopular stance, I will say that even very small children have feelings worthy of respect and reflection and their anxieties are quite real (even if to us, silly).

 

Teaching them that even in this issue you will try and help them through this stage at their pace and respecting their needs (while providing necessary encouragement and support, with occasional 'prodding') is a worthwhile endeavor.

[ChristusG]

Do you think there might be some kind of anxiety involved?

 

It might be a control issue, but not because she's trying to consciously manipulate you in a 'I won't listen to Mommy" way.

 

My nephew (and niece) both had real anxiety over training, and no matter what my SIL tried, it didn't work (to the point of backfiring to real constipation issues which became terrible to deal with).

 

Finally, she asked them if they would like to have a diaper/pull-up when they were ready to 'make' and then take it off afterwards. Both of them took to this idea, and would do the whole shebang themselves. For pee, this lasted very little time (like a week) before they would just skip the diaper and go in the toilet.

 

For poop, they would take the pullup into the bathroom, remove their underwear, make in the pullup, call for her to help them wipe, then helped dispose of it properly (put the poop in the toilet then throw out the diaper).

 

Somehow this alleviated their anxiety over the toilet and they were able to overcome it. My nephew took a lot longer -- he was almost 5; my niece was able to get completely trained by nearly 4.

 

It's just an idea. However, I do find that trying to force this issue almost always backfires. And, although this might be an unpopular stance, I will say that even very small children have feelings worthy of respect and reflection and their anxieties are quite real (even if to us, silly).

 

Teaching them that even in this issue you will try and help them through this stage at their pace and respecting their needs (while providing necessary encouragement and support, with occasional 'prodding') is a worthwhile endeavor.

 

You are right....I really don't think this is a control issue. She really is afraid of it running down her leg for some reason. I think I will try what you mentioned. I will tell her that it is time for potty training.....but I will allow her to wear a diaper. I will just take her to the potty every 30 minutes. But hopefully the diaper will give her enough comfort so that she won't be anxious about it. Now if I can just convince her to sit on the potty.

[duckens]

http://www.cnn.com/2008/HEALTH/family/03/17/hm.potty.school/index.html

 

I don't know if there is anything in the above article that will help you, but I'm glad I read it before I got to the potty training phase with dd.

 

It was comforting for me to know that very few kids leave for kindergarten not potty trained.

 

I also am a big advocate of nakedness (no panties). I never would have thought that I would have this pov, but it worked for dd and for C3 (whom I babysat and potty trained, too).

 

For C3, he arrived in a pull-up. I offered him the potty every hour. If he wet his pull-up, then he went naked (no pants). He would get another pull-up at nap time and sit on the potty after nap. If he wet this one, then he went naked (no pants) until his folks telephoned to say they were on their way. Natural consequences, kwim?

 

I hope you find what works for your family.

[easyasxyz]

I could have written this post 6 weeks ago!!!!

 

Take heart. It will get better. Hopefully sooner than later.

 

Upon the advice of several friends, I (mostly) did not push potty training. I just said "when you decide you want to use the potty, ...." I think his main issues were confidence as well as also wanting to feel babied or have extra attention getting diaper changed since his twin baby sisters always got a lot of attention. But, I tried really hard not to push it. One day we were at the grocery and I gamely mentioned again about "you know, when you decide you want to go to the potty, I bet you could have some ice cream." And he promptly replied, "you know mama, I'm 3 and a half now, not three, and I'm big now. I think I could do that." Stupified, I managed to ask if he wanted to pick out an ice cream flavor. Yes, he did. And yes he had a FEW accidents and regressions, but by and large this boy is DONE with potty training. It took him about a week and, 6 weeks later, he is totally trained during the day. I don't have to take him, he goes on his own, and even is waking up drier every morning than before.

 

I'm glad I waited for him to decide b/c this is by far better to me than pushing and trying for over a year as many of my friends did with their dc.

 

Just my thoughts--good luck!

[easyasxyz]

I could have written this post 6 weeks ago!!!!

 

Take heart. It will get better. Hopefully sooner than later.

 

Upon the advice of several friends, I (mostly) did not push potty training. I just said "when you decide you want to use the potty, ...." I think his main issues were confidence as well as also wanting to feel babied or have extra attention getting diaper changed since his twin baby sisters always got a lot of attention. But, I tried really hard not to push it. One day we were at the grocery and I gamely mentioned again about "you know, when you decide you want to go to the potty, I bet you could have some ice cream." And he promptly replied, "you know mama, I'm 3 and a half now, not three, and I'm big now. I think I could do that." Stupified, I managed to ask if he wanted to pick out an ice cream flavor. Yes, he did. And yes he had a FEW accidents and regressions, but by and large this boy is DONE with potty training. It took him about a week and, 6 weeks later, he is totally trained during the day. I don't have to take him, he goes on his own, and even is waking up drier every morning than before.

 

I'm glad I waited for him to decide b/c this is by far better to me than pushing and trying for over a year as many of my friends did with their dc.

 

Just my thoughts--good luck!

 

 

Oh, and once he got used to going potty he was FINE going around naked during the day at home. This worked great for him b/c if he knew he had to go, he would go if he were naked. If he had underwear on, it took him a while to remember that it wasn't a diaper.

[EKS]

She really is afraid of it running down her leg for some reason.

 

Does she know that if she uses the potty it won't run down her leg?

[FO4UR]

I told my ds4 that 4yo's aren't allowed to wear pull-ups. It worked...but he was 4yo to the day. (not what you want to hear LOL)

 

With dd, I kept her in dipes until she kept them dry (...though that was at 26mo). Maybe reward her for keeping her diaper dry instead of using the potty...obviously she'll have to use the potty to attain the goal. She wouldn't have to worry about pee going down her leg that way.

[NanceXToo]

I wait til they're ready. My son didn't really start consistently using a potty til two months before his fourth birthday. She'll probably get the hang of it, right around then. Right when you're going "oh man they're about to turn four, they're never going to be potty trained!" :)

[Guest Cindie2dds]

I'd let it go. My oldest was potty trained on her own around 2 with regular panties at night. She's never had an accident. My youngest just turned 4 and right around her birthday started going poop on her own without me holding her. She goes several days in between accidents now. I'm not a cry-it-out type of parent, so I wouldn't recommend that. I know exactly how it feels, though. Will she ever be potty trained??!! :lol:

 

:grouphug:

[Mommy22alyns]

Sylvia was a very late trainer. I'd just drop it for now and try again later. I made Sylvia change her own pullups by that age since she "chose" not to PT. But when she did potty train, she was completely trained day and night within a week. No tactics worked for her; she had to really decide to do it herself.

[KidsHappen]

I never really potty trained any of mine. I just waited until they did it on their own. My son was 2 1/2 and most of the girls were three to three and a half. The 17 year old trained at the same time as the 18 year old so she was about 2 1/2. She did everything at the same time as the older sister so she was weaned earlier, learned to read earlier and so on. It was almost like they were twins.