Help! I am feeling isolated!

[Medieval Mom]

Help! I am feeling isolated. I am struggling to find social outlets. Here's the quick scoop.

 

..We moved to a new town a year ago, shortly after ds was born.

 

..Dh has NO interest in attending a church. I really don't want to go without him. Even finding one where we wouldn't feel like hypocrites would be hard, for this area has little religious variety.

 

..Neither of the two hsing groups I've tried are compatible with our family, at least as far as I can see now. One requires a statement of faith -- and I really don't even want to belong to a group that has this. The other is predominantly unschoolers that gave me a hard time for teaching math and taking attendance, in accordance with the state law. We are positively DRACONIAN by the standards of the people I've met there.

 

..We are a one car family, living in suburbia with no sidewalks.

 

 

Okay. I know none of these issues are insurmountable. But I'm tired and lonely! My closest friends from childhood and college neatly fall into two groups: single and uninterested in family activities OR deeply anti-hsing to the point of being confrontational and offensive. In fact, I can no longer call the later friends friends at all. :confused:

 

Ds happily plays with the neighborhood children. I am naturally a happy homebody. Dh socializes at work, which is enough for him. But I honestly do have a wish to be around people with whom I can have a conversation! To belong to a group! (Gasp! Did I say that?) To feel I belong.

 

Oh help. :confused::crying:

[Hathersage]

:grouphug:

 

I'm having similar problems where I live. Only I've lived here 10 years, and there are no longer any neighborhood children for my daughter to play with.

[OrganicAnn]

I would look for a class for you. Anything from a cooking class or a painting class or writing class or yoga class. Even if you don't make a friend, you might have a little conversation with adults during the class.

[Mosaicmind]

I don't know what to say....so I will just give you a :grouphug: I will be in the same boat when we get moved, if that ever happens.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I found a compatible homeschool family through Meetups.com. It isn't a group but our two families do like to get together. Sometimes we do a field trip together, and sometimes we just hang out at one of our homes.

[The Girls' Mom]

I just moved here 6 months ago, and knew NO one. From experience, you really just have to get out of your comfort zones and put yourself out there. Even if it means church without dh, or searching out opportunities to meet people. See what kind of volunteering you can do in your area. Search Yahoo groups and see if there are any for homeschoolers (or for what ever hobbies you may have) in your area. I've met many people through things I've found on local message boards. At first I jumped at every single HS group I could find until I found a group that we fit in with. I'm also still meeting new people through volunteering at the Food Bank, and through 4-H. It's a lot of work, and sometimes it's uncomfortable, but it's been worth it for me to just not feel isolated and lonely.

[EmilyK]

Is there any chance to move out of suburbia, to an area where people walk places, nearby/walkable libraries, coffeeshops etc?

[NavyWifeandMommy]

First off :grouphug:'s. You may just have to get out of your comfort zone and just keep trying everyday to get out there. We have been living in our new home for about 10 weeks now and still is hard for me. We are still 'friendless'. We know many people but it sure would be nice to have that one family or two that you can always get together with and share with ya know. In time it will happend.

 

 

[kalanamak]

Is there a library you could do a reading group with, for adults or kids (a la Deconstructing Penguins)?

[Parrothead]

September will be a year. I'm still trying to meet people. I'm involved with the church just a bit but that is about it.

 

Usually the wives group is pretty good about support, but I'm finding here not so much. Or, I should say not my type.

 

So, I kinda hang out at TWTM boards for adult conversation. I'm sure that will change one day.

[elegantlion]

:grouphug: BT, doing that. We're somewhat in the same boat. We did the one car thing for two years, limited kids in the neighborhood, no where to walk.

 

It's hard. I found friends with my hobby of writing. We have a small writing group that meets on a semi-regular basis. I'd also suggest trying to find a group that matches an outside interest

 

We're in an area where no one seems keen on getting to know the "new people" and we've been here four years. :glare: We're planning a move this year and one of my criteria is that it not be in an area where I feel so isolated.

 

What hobbies do you have, maybe we can help you out with ideas of where to look.

[elegantlion]

 

So, I kinda hang out at TWTM boards for adult conversation. I'm sure that will change one day.

 

Yeah, we'll be hanging out here having old people conversations.:lol: Our kids will be homeschooling our grandchildren and we'll be laughing about the good old days when Amazon took a whole two days to deliver a package.

[Rosie_0801]

There are no medieval groups for a Medieval mum to join?

 

Rosie

[DaffodilDreams]

Are you at all creative or like to be around creative types? If so, community theatre is one of the most amazing ways to build friendships. You don't have to act, though my dd and I do. There are all sorts of ways to be involved, though - costumes, set crew (build, paint, sweep, plug in lights, etc), props, stage mgmt, volunteer in the box office, usher, help with fund raisers, striking sets at the end of runs, and more . . .

[Parrothead]

Yeah, we'll be hanging out here having old people conversations.:lol: Our kids will be homeschooling our grandchildren and we'll be laughing about the good old days when Amazon took a whole two days to deliver a package.

Two days! Must be nice. It takes every bit of 10 days for us. I'm so far from civilization I was hoping that when I am old teleporting would be the thing and we'd get instant delivery.:lol:

Edited July 8, 2010 by Parrothead

[happi duck]

:grouphug:

[Medieval Mom]

I would look for a class for you. Anything from a cooking class or a painting class or writing class or yoga class. Even if you don't make a friend, you might have a little conversation with adults during the class.

 

:)This is an excellent idea, but one I will have to be creative about solving. In a town where I don't know anyone, who will watch the kids while I attend a class? Dh is studying for professional exams that will take almost a year to complete...

 

But the idea is a good one! I haven't been in a room with other adults without my children for more than three hours in, well, let's see, SEVEN years! ;)

[Medieval Mom]

I found a compatible homeschool family through Meetups.com. It isn't a group but our two families do like to get together. Sometimes we do a field trip together, and sometimes we just hang out at one of our homes.

 

I'll look into it. Thanks!

[Medieval Mom]

I just moved here 6 months ago, and knew NO one. From experience, you really just have to get out of your comfort zones and put yourself out there. Even if it means church without dh, or searching out opportunities to meet people. See what kind of volunteering you can do in your area. Search Yahoo groups and see if there are any for homeschoolers (or for what ever hobbies you may have) in your area. I've met many people through things I've found on local message boards. At first I jumped at every single HS group I could find until I found a group that we fit in with. I'm also still meeting new people through volunteering at the Food Bank, and through 4-H. It's a lot of work, and sometimes it's uncomfortable, but it's been worth it for me to just not feel isolated and lonely.

 

Volunteer work is a great idea! Perhaps I can find one where I can bring the kids, too? Ah.. The toddler years are tricky :)

[Medieval Mom]

Is there any chance to move out of suburbia, to an area where people walk places, nearby/walkable libraries, coffeeshops etc?

 

Nope. Not in in this city. Believe me, we looked! We just moved from a city where we lived right downtown and could walk everywhere--the co-op, library, knitting shop, post office, grocery, parks, etc. Wonderful! I wholeheartedly miss it, and honestly, sometime dream about moving back. But this is where we are now, because we need to be. It is definitely NOT SAFE to live downtown. :(

[Medieval Mom]

Is there a library you could do a reading group with, for adults or kids (a la Deconstructing Penguins)?

 

There are currently no book groups for the ages of my dc, but maybe I could start one! ;) (They have beautiful groups for the 3-5 crowd, though!) There are a few groups for adults that meet weekday mornings, but I am homeschooling during that time! We school year round, though, so it's possible that I could plan our week off to coincide with the meetings of a monthly group and hire a babysitter... Just thinking as I type, here.

Edited July 8, 2010 by Medieval Mom

[Medieval Mom]

:grouphug: BT, doing that. We're somewhat in the same boat. We did the one car thing for two years, limited kids in the neighborhood, no where to walk.

 

It's hard. I found friends with my hobby of writing. We have a small writing group that meets on a semi-regular basis. I'd also suggest trying to find a group that matches an outside interest

 

We're in an area where no one seems keen on getting to know the "new people" and we've been here four years. :glare: We're planning a move this year and one of my criteria is that it not be in an area where I feel so isolated.

 

What hobbies do you have, maybe we can help you out with ideas of where to look.

 

We just moved here, and already I am imagining searching for a place to live in twenty years where I can walk everywhere!

 

Hobbies! I have many, but have not pursued them since ds#2 came along. It seems running after a toddler, homeschooling, and keeping house are all I have energy for these days! But, I know this time won't last forever. My hobbies include:

Gardening --joined the botanical gardens here

Knitting, spinning

Painting portraits in oil or pastel

Medieval languages and art :D

Piano, harp, singing

Book collecting ;)

Calligraphy

Mythology, folktales, and religion

Nature (identification, journalling, drawing, etc.)

[Medieval Mom]

There are no medieval groups for a Medieval mum to join?

 

Rosie

 

Good idea, Rosie! :D I'll check it out.

[Medieval Mom]

Are you at all creative or like to be around creative types? If so, community theatre is one of the most amazing ways to build friendships. You don't have to act, though my dd and I do. There are all sorts of ways to be involved, though - costumes, set crew (build, paint, sweep, plug in lights, etc), props, stage mgmt, volunteer in the box office, usher, help with fund raisers, striking sets at the end of runs, and more . . .

 

In my day, I did quite a bit of acting. Never a play went by that I wasn't in! But I'm frankly not sure how to swing this.

 

HOW do you moms of young children and one car juggle finding time to do outside activities sans kids? This is an earnest question. I am NOT being snarky, far from it. :) I am asking for plans, ideas! If dh is unavailable, you have no car, no known babysitter, limited funds, your toddler can't stand to be away from you even for two minutes while you powder your nose, how do you get out???? :bigear:

[Medieval Mom]

I don't know what to say....so I will just give you a :grouphug: I will be in the same boat when we get moved, if that ever happens.

 

Thanks for this, and for everyone who shared their sympathy and support. :grouphug: It helps, really! :grouphug:

[Luckymama]

When we had one car and two littles, one day a week I would drive dh to work (about 25 minutes away). That day we'd run some errands (post office, food co-op, bank, basically anything but a grocery store), go to a park if weather was good, visit the library and such. Sometimes we'd go to McDonalds :) After nap and dinner prep, we'd pick up dh.

 

Dh studied for a professional exam when our oldest was 10/11. We didn't see him for about a year. Seriously, he'd go to work, come home to eat dinner, then would study either back at the office or at the library or in our bedroom. It was very very difficult--------------and I had a great support system! I had to do everything, all housework, all errands, all kid driving, all kid care. But it has paid off immeasureably :)

[hsbaby]

Someone already mentioned it, but Meetup can be great! Since you have a toddler you could always look for a playgroup in area. This us how I met some of my closest friends when we moved here from another state. You really just have to get out there. I had to go through a few groups before I finally found one I was comfortable with. And none of them are homeschoolers...go figure;).

[Rosie_0801]

HOW do you moms of young children and one car juggle finding time to do outside activities sans kids? This is an earnest question. I am NOT being snarky, far from it. :) I am asking for plans, ideas! If dh is unavailable, you have no car, no known babysitter, limited funds, your toddler can't stand to be away from you even for two minutes while you powder your nose, how do you get out???? :bigear:

 

Fortunately the one car we have is mine, since I'm the one with the license. Through the week, we walk places. We're walking distance to the shops and buy groceries most days. I don't dare take them back to the library until the youngest is five :glare: so that's out. One or two weekends a month we go to an SCA event. Uh, we live pretty quiet lives, I guess. I can't imagine living somewhere without a footpath or nature strip. Does the road start at your front fence? I don't go out nights. For one, dh doesn't get home until quarter to eight, and secondly, ds gets me up before six, often LONG before six.

 

I like my kids, but toddlerhood is not my favourite...

 

Rosie

[elegantlion]

In my day, I did quite a bit of acting. Never a play went by that I wasn't in! But I'm frankly not sure how to swing this.

 

HOW do you moms of young children and one car juggle finding time to do outside activities sans kids? This is an earnest question. I am NOT being snarky, far from it. :) I am asking for plans, ideas! If dh is unavailable, you have no car, no known babysitter, limited funds, your toddler can't stand to be away from you even for two minutes while you powder your nose, how do you get out???? :bigear:

 

I would find a time where your dh can be with the children for a period of 2-4 hours. Make a pact that he is not allowed to call you when you are out, you get the car and go.

 

For the two years we were carless I would leave on Sunday afternoon. I'd poke around town, good shopping for books at Goodwill, just get out and do some things. Go to a bookstore or coffee shop, do anything. I'd be gone and returned home refreshed. It was vital to my sanity.

 

:grouphug:

[Rosie_0801]

Mmm. Dh takes the kids out for two or three hours on Saturday and Sunday mornings if there aren't more interesting plans. Usually on Saturdays I'll mooch down to the library. On Sundays I tend to potter around at home, some housework, some craft stuff. He also cooks on the weekends, so I sometimes get to spend that time in the bath with a book. I thought we'd all find his new long commute much harder, but with this arrangement, we're doing alright.

 

Rosie

[NanceXToo]

I'm sorry!

 

Can you maybe start your OWN homeschooling group? Or other social group? You can do it on meetup and then put up flyers in supermarkets and whatnot with your email information or your meetup site if you start one, and maybe you'd be able to get a group going.

 

There must be SOME other people out there in your position, who don't want to sign a SOF and don't unschool!

 

Either that or maybe you can just stick with those unschoolers for the time being and maybe you can politely mention when it comes up that you know they feel differently than you/that you have a different way of doing things but that you'd still like to get together with them for social reasons and maybe that will give them the hint to stop giving you a hard time.

[Medieval Mom]

You guys are WONDERFUL and have given me many FANTASTIC ideas. After all, being the introvert that I am, I don't need to become the town's next socialite. I just need someone to chuckle with about motherhood, kids, education... You know, my LIFE! At least I have this board ;)

 

Thanks for listening to my complaints and offering productive ideas! :)

[JoyfulMama]

I've realized that I don't need to find the perfect thing the first time. (We did two major moves in 10 months. I wasn't happy.) The first time there was a church up the road, which was a nice walk. They had a women's group with childcare groups. Not a church I would necessarily go to on a regular basis, but it was SOMETHING to get us introduced to people and to get familiar with some things in the community.

Now, I got used to going to church without DH a long time ago. It is one of the few things that I do do without question anymore, and he makes sure that I have a vehicle to go. Look for a church that might offer adult classes at the same time as those for children. Or maybe an evening group that offers childrens activities at the same time.

Now, I don't feel comfortable joining the congregation that I am going to, as I don't feel I could, but they are open enough to me to allow me to worship with them, even though there are some differences. I don't have a lot of options for churches here. They would be the most liberal church in this conservative area.

What else have I done? Once the kids were asleep and dh was also asleep (same early bedtime for him) I have taken that opportunity to leave and go shopping, or to the bookstore, or simply for a walk.

Now I am FINALLY hooked up with some other local moms who like to knit/crochet/sew, and I have offered to host one night a month (starting at my kids bedtime) where we can sit and chat and snack and create. (Little ones are welcome to attend if need be.) I had tried to do this during the day, but found more women interested in doing this at night.

[LauraGB]

Oh, MM! I'm sorry it didn't work out with the local hs groups :-( I'm guessing some of the ones in the latter aren't unschoolers (surely, at least one family has to be a fairly rigid classical homeschooler ;)). And I'm sorry you feel so isolated. It's hard to move to a different place and try to settle in. Have you looked into some of the suburbs of the city? How about classes offered for both adults and kids at some of the art galleries?

 

Wish I had more to offer - the best break I received when my kids were that age was to go to the grocery store where they had something called the TotSpot and the an adult colored and played games with the children of the frazzled mommies while I wandered aimlessly around the store for as long as I could (until they called me to say one of my kids needed to go to the bathroom :tongue_smilie:).

 

:grouphug:

[Lisa R.]

Okay, so I know this is controversial here, but I'll say it anyway: I think you should consider joining the home schooling group that has the statement of faith.

 

Now, if it is really objectionable and something you must sign and say you agree with, then, of course, you shouldn't join. But, if it is a statement of what they believe and is compatible with a church you would consider attending, then don't worry about it.

 

The group I belong to has a statement of faith, but there's nothing there that's objectionable to me. It doesn't say I need to agree with it (although I do) but it is there to let people know where the board members stand. I know *lots* of families in this group and none of them have the exclusive attitude that some of our fellow board members have encountered. It really is a diverse, interesting group.

 

This is a large group that offers field trips, classes, clubs, and so on. If I stood my ground and said, "I'll join no group with a SOF," I would be simply hurting myself and my kids. We'd miss out on many, many opportunities and many great families.

 

Chances are that you'd find friends within that group.

 

Again, if is a pretty basic statement of faith, I wouldn't be overly-concerned. Many of these groups were formed a long time ago, and the founders probably thought this was a good idea at the time.

 

Disclaimer: if this group is one of the wacky ones we've read about on this board, ignore all of the above and form your own group. :)

[Medieval Mom]

JoyfulMama... I think, perhaps, you are right. I don't think dh would mind if I went without him. He hates "church shopping", as he calls it. Maybe I could look around for us, and once I find one that I'm comfortable with, I think he'd be interested in joining me. He's pretty laid back and very supportive. (But his parents are missionaries of the Poisonwood Bible persuasion, which frankly turned him off years and years ago. Me too. :tongue_smilie:)

 

LauraGB... Ah! Maybe I'll try again when I've grown a thicker skin. We've had recent deaths in the family, and I'm under a lot of stress lately. The last thing I needed was to go to a hs support group and be lectured for an hour--an HOUR! -- about how unimportant math is, and how elitist it was for me to include it as a "must teach" subject. I was TRYING to comfort someone who's dd only wanted to read by saying that only the 3R's were essential at that age--7. Another mom hopped on that and WHAM! My dh was horrfied that I sat there listening to it (no chance to get a word in edgewise, and for some reason it never occurred to me just to get up and leave. I guess I was in shock. :confused:

[LauraGB]

LauraGB... Ah! Maybe I'll try again when I've grown a thicker skin. We've had recent deaths in the family, and I'm under a lot of stress lately. The last thing I needed was to go to a hs support group and be lectured for an hour--an HOUR! -- about how unimportant math is, and how elitist it was for me to include it as a "must teach" subject. I was TRYING to comfort someone who's dd only wanted to read by saying that only the 3R's were essential at that age--7. Another mom hopped on that and WHAM! My dh was horrfied that I sat there listening to it (no chance to get a word in edgewise, and for some reason it never occurred to me just to get up and leave. I guess I was in shock. :confused:

 

I would have been disgusted, too. And I can honestly say that while I like several people in the homeschool groups I belong to, I don't go to any of them for support - educational philosophies are highly personal, imo. And I'm not much of a "mom's night out" kinda gal, either. I mainly belong because if I didn't, my kids would have a fit - they like the social aspect and the activities, and with those, I pick and choose carefully (based on my own comfort level, lol).

 

I'm really sorry you had to deal with that. Have you looked at the groups in the nearest larger city?