Ds7 all of a sudden won't stay in bed-PLEASE HELP!!!!

[HappyGrace]

He is "afraid" to stay in his bed at night. THANKfully he is ok once he falls asleep. But we are going through a two-hour saga every night-we've tried everything-disciplining, sitting on the stairs nearby (he keeps getting up to make sure we're still there so that didn't work), letting him fall asleep on the stairs or kitchen floor (he wanted to be near us), staying in our room across the hall (same thing happened), offering rewards, sleeping in with big sister (he talks and keeps her awake terribly), chamomile tea, walking him back into his bed every time he gets up (ala Supernanny), etc. He instantly gets up out of bed and will not stay in. We are NOT taking him into our bed (been there, done that)-we feel it's best for the family to help him learn how to sleep in his own bed.

 

He has always been a great sleeper and now this fear thing struck and we're at a loss for what to do.

 

NOTHING is working. We are under a lot of stress right now-just came off of all winter with a chronic illness with dd, dh got laid off from his job of 14 years last month, I have a broken toe and a pretty good case of depression, etc. We REALLY need to know how to get him to stay in his bed!!!!!!!!!! Thanks!

[Parrothead]

Night light?

 

I'd tell him that he has to stay in his room even if he isn't in bed. Let him turn a light on.

[Maddysmom26]

I would try laying with him for a few nights until he falls asleep. Then maybe pick a favorite stuffed animal, or go shopping and let him pick one that he thinks would be good a night time buddy. Bring that to bedtime while you lay with him.. then after a few more days.. Tell him the animal will cuddle with him and protect him while he sleeps. ;)

[kathkath]

how about leaving the closet door open with the light on?

[ConnieB]

My guess....he is feeling your stress and unsure how to react to it....and so it's keeping him up at night worrying, and again, unsure how to react, he wants you near.

 

We adults often think we can hide the stress of unemployment or illness marital problem, or whatever other serious issues from the kids, but they always seem to know "something" is wrong. Personally, I think it's the unknown that worries them the most. My parents ALWAYS kept us kids in the dark about everything.....from Dad's unemployment to all the other financial woes, relatives marital problems, illnesses, etc.

 

I chose to go the other way because I remember many a night my sister and I talking long into the night about what caused my mom to burst into tears or why Dad yelled at everyone about something that normally wouldn't bother him so much, etc etc.....and of course our imagination was almost always worse than reality! So...we are pretty open with our kids about what's happening. Obviously we work to keep it age appropriate...but when Dad has been laid off, we told them that money was going to be tight, but that we would be fine for many months because we'd been good about saving money. And that if Dad didn't find something suitable soon, that he'd take a temporary job making less money and Mom would get a part job to help out too, etc etc. The kids actually pitched in to help....saving money became a game to us all. With only a few reminders, trips to the grocery weren't filled with "can we gets" and instead was "mom, wait if you get red apples instead of green we'll save .20 a pound....even though we love red better".

 

There have also been phases in each of my children's lives that they have come crawling in bed with us for a few nights in a row. I allow them to stay and cuddle as long as they need to....or until I fall asleep and wake to find they wandered back to their bed (or didn't). Yes, it isn't ideal and cuts out "fun" for a few nights until we're sure they're over it....but the old way of giving them a hug and 5 minute cuddle made it go on nightly for weeks.

 

Try talking with your son during the day....try to find out if anything is worrying him. He obviously knows that Dad is laid off, maybe he's read/heard the news about the bad economy and that unemployment is very high, homes are being foreclosed, etc....and he equates the two as equals. Maybe he'll not be able to put into words what is bothering him, because he's either not sure himself (normal) or afraid to say it and worry you (a normal kid's warped sense, if I don't mention it mom won't know and worry...when of course, mom already knows).

 

If all else fails...let him sleep in your room....if not in bed with you, then set up a nice comfy place on the floor for him if he comes to you after you tuck him in his bed. Don't make a big deal out of it, in case some of his need is extra attention....just open up the blanket and let him crawl in, or get up and get his own pillow to put at the blanket on the floor. Eventually he may even just crawl in to bed without waking you, or end up on the floor when you awake in the morning.

 

Remember "this too shall pass". I don't hear about teens that still wake their parents in the middle of the night unable to sleep.....they wake you up coming in too late maybe, but not for need of cuddles before they can drift off. Same as the late potty trainer.....don't know any of those that made it to junior high, lol.

 

:grouphug:

[jplain]

Sounds like a stressful year. This may be his way of manifesting that stress.

:grouphug: for everyone.

 

In our family, we'd throw a sleeping bag and/or mattress on the floor and invite our child to sleep there if she wanted. Our kids are always welcome in our bedroom, though not necessarily in our bed. However, I respect that a family bedroom doesn't work for all families.

 

So I second the nightlight suggestion, along with staying with him until he falls asleep. To make it less mind-numbing, you could bring in a book and a small booklight, and sit in a chair across the room. Is he having trouble falling asleep? In that case, you may want to evaluate his day. Physical activity in the afternoon might help, along with limiting screen time after dinner, as it can interfere with normal sleep cycles. Sometimes food sensitivities can interfere with sleep as well. And if all else fails, would he be willing to turn on a light and read to himself until he is ready to sleep?

[mktkcb]

mmmm hate to say this, but I'm with Supernanny....I think you just need to "do it" . Walk him back in silence, with no discussion. Just PLAN on the 2 hr ordeal for a month or 2. If you aren't willing to stick with anything for the long haul, he knows he can outlast you (and make you wring your hands in angst). I'll bet it won't take that long. Stop being so frustrated with it, assume it will happen, make a plan, follow the plan......rinse repeat....for as long as necessary. Calmly, matter a factly.

[HappyGrace]

He has a bright nightlight on in there and his favorite cuddle bear-no help.

 

He prbly is feeling our stress. We've tried very hard to be open with both children about what's going on, letting them know everything is ok, etc. We explained that there is no crisis-we have plenty of money due to severance, etc. I think it's just very different, having dad home all day, etc. and he is reacting to that.

 

He's not having trouble falling asleep-just a fear thing. I'm very afraid if we sit in the room, he will become dependent on that.

 

Thanks for the reminder that this won't last forever!!! :)

[katilac]

We are under a lot of stress right now-just came off of all winter with a chronic illness with dd, dh got laid off from his job of 14 years last month, I have a broken toe and a pretty good case of depression, etc.

 

Keep in mind that if you and dh are under a lot of stress, so is your son. Add to that the fact that he is at a very common age for unexplained fears, and I would really urge you to be as indulgent as possible. If he's fine once he's asleep, why not stay with him till he falls asleep for a while? It beats a nightly two-hour ordeal!

 

Once he's back in more of a routine (with company getting to sleep), then you might have some success with tips like the ones from Maddysmom. But, honestly, it might take a while. Work on good sleep habits, by all means, but keep in mind that he can't just force himself not to be afraid.

[HappyGrace]

Now that we've seen that it's truly a fear thing, we are trying to be as sensitive as possible to make sure he gets through it okay!

[jplain]

So if you're convinced this is a manifestation of stress, you've got two options. You can ask him to suppress his anxiety, and insist that he stick to the original bedtime routine. Or you can create a new bedtime routine that helps him feel more secure.

 

In my humble opinion, option number 2 is going to serve him better in the long run. It acknowledges that he has a right to the way he feels, and it lets him know that you're going to be there to help him get through tough times.

 

Hang in there! You're right, this won't last forever. :grouphug:

[In The Great White North]

So if you're convinced this is a manifestation of stress, you've got two options. You can ask him to suppress his anxiety, and insist that he stick to the original bedtime routine. Or you can create a new bedtime routine that helps him feel more secure.

 

In my humble opinion, option number 2 is going to serve him better in the long run. It acknowledges that he has a right to the way he feels, and it lets him know that you're going to be there to help him get through tough times.

:iagree:

 

Remember "this too shall pass". I don't hear about teens that still wake their parents in the middle of the night unable to sleep.....they wake you up coming in too late maybe, but not for need of cuddles before they can drift off. Same as the late potty trainer.....don't know any of those that made it to junior high, lol.

:iagree: We used to have "falling asleep issues" too. They all fall asleep in their own beds all by themselves now. Sometimes, I miss it.

[Mom-ninja.]

He's not having trouble falling asleep-just a fear thing. I'm very afraid if we sit in the room, he will become dependent on that.

 

 

 

If a need is not met, the need never truely goes away. If a need is met, a person can move on.

 

For example if you need food, you can't focus on anything until that need is met, right? You can't go on to other things.

 

The human need for security and comfort is very real and very basic. If you meet that need, a person can happily move on because they feel secure and comforted.

 

He will not become dependent if you meet his need of your help in dealing with his stress and fear. Besides, at 7, a child should be dependent on their parents when they have a need. :)

 

I'm reading How to Raise an Emotionally Intelligent Child right now. It's really good. I actually used the points from the book tonight. My 6 yr old is afraid of being in bed alone. We literally had a 5 minute conversation, and he was fine with me leaving. I was amazed.

 

Of course, I'm not saying you will have the same 5 minute conversation. However, I think the book is great. Oh, and I have only read the first 95 pages and it has helped.

 

Hang in there! You guys have been having a really rough time.

[LibraryLover]

I might lay with him to read until he fell asleep, and go to him if he woke in the middle of the night worried. I don't think a 7 yr old needing a parent at night is *any* sort of 'issue'. Meet the need, and the need goes away. I can't think of any 'regular' 12 yr old, fi, who needs parental assistance to sleep. Meet the need and the need will be met.

 

We have never done 'tough love' around here, and all of the children are sleeping without parents by their side. lol (21, 17, 16, 11). :lol: I can't imagine. Dh and I were always available when they did need us at night, and now they do not. Can't even recall the last time they did.

 

Our kids don't just stop needing us at night at some magical, arbitray, Dr- sanctioned age. It's programed into our DNA to be on alert at night. Even if adults can overcome it (meds, alcohol etc), kids are still at the mercy of nature.

Edited June 8, 2010 by LibraryLover

[lea1]

One of my sons will come downstairs after bedtime once in a while to tell me he can't go to sleep. It is not a fear or stress thing, just that he took a nap that day during quiet time so he is not quite sleepy yet. He has a small CD player on his night stand and we have a few CD's that he really enjoys listening to, mostly Christian music for children. He comes down to get a different CD sometimes but this really seems to work for him.

 

Not sure if it would help with your son, since it is a fear thing, but it might help to give him something else to think about.

 

When we did have to sit with our sons until they fell asleep, my husband and I took turns and we would take a laptop with us and read news or whatever while the boys fell asleep.

 

It is very tiring to have to sit with them every night, especially when you are already exhausted with all you are going through. I hope you find something that helps.

[tampamommy]

When my two children were about age 6 or 7, they started needing LOTS of exercise - every. single. day. They had always gotten a lot of outdoor time (yes, we play hard outside even in the hot, humid FL summers!). But at that age, it seemed their energy grew by leaps and bounds. They are super energetic. Most children are. So I made sure they got lots of energy burn during the days. They walked, ran, threw balls, kicked balls, caught balls, played tag, fished, rode bikes, ran, and ran. And ran some more. I also made a little phys. ed. "curriculum" of basic sports skills that I did with them.

 

I don't think exercise will solve your ds's "fear" problem, but when children are sufficiently romped, they will indeed drop off quickly!

 

And yes, take heart. My dd (now 11), who had always been a great sleeper, began waking up in the middle of every night when she was 7. I can remember being SO sleepy as I led her back to bed, or rocked her, or snuggled with her for a little while. I just kept reminding myself that someday soon it would pass, and those special moments would be gone. She did this for a year. I never could figure out why, nor did she know. But it stopped, quite abruptly. And I look back on it with a smile now.

 

I think I would go the route of having your ds stay in his room, with a night light on. I would require that he obey this. Who cares if he falls asleep on the floor? My son took lots of his naps on the floor when he was a little guy just because he found it comfy. His other favorite napping spot was his rocking chair. As I tell my dc, the floors of most homes in this country are nicer sleeping conditions than most people in the world have.

 

Hang in there.

[Barbara]

Just wanted to post about our experience. My dd had this when she was younger, and we tried everything to help her too thinking it was a phase she would outgrow. And probably most kids do. However, my dd had phases when she seemed to be fine and then it would hit her again for awhile and be fine again, etc.

 

Just this past year, we discovered that our dd actually has a medical condition (dysautonomia - an imbalance of the nervous system) of which anxiety is a symptom, and she has had such a difficult time now as a teen (she is 14 now). I wish, wish, wish we had read a few books on helping our child with anxiety when she was younger and put into practice some of the methods that work. Due to the dysautonomia, she had a high resting pulse rate, etc....the doctor said she had been dealing with some of this for so long it had become a new kind of normal for her. Just typing this makes me want to cry! All of this was unseen to us. She didn't cry or anything when she was younger...she would just say "I'm scared"...and not even very convincingly!

 

If you read some of the books, they do explain that you can sometimes reinforce the anxiety by helping, comforting, etc. because it makes the child think....if mom is comforting me, there must REALLY be something for me to be afraid of! But comforting is what we naturally do, so it's very hard. The books explain it much better than I can, and tell you ways to teach your child to comfort himself.

 

I would hate for anyone else to go through what we've gone through. Looking back, I can see it all so clear now, but at the time, it just seemed like a normal, kid phase.

[Jenn in Mo]

With four kiddos, I've tried various methods and some work for a season, some work for one child and not another. With true fear, I really support giving them the security they need. It is a season of need that will pass soon enough. Meeting this need will likely meet other needs you don't even realize.

 

We pulled in a toddler bed and squeezed it between the bed and the wall for one child that was too old for a toddler bed, but hey, it worked. And eventually they get too macho for such things, making it easier to boot them out later.

 

For a transition away from our bedroom, we let one child go to sleep in our bed while we stayed up in the living room. We then moved him to his own bed. For another child, we had them go to bed in their room while we stayed up, but promised to check on him and bring him to our room if he was still awake when we went to bed.

 

For less serious levels of fear, a bedroom routine helped mine, but it was tiring for me. It lulled me to sleep so much that I had trouble staying awake to get my alone-time stuff finished. Key stuff for a lulling routine:

An after-dinner stroll.

A warm bath.

Reading with mom or dad on the couch.

Snuggling in the rocking chair with a lullaby.

Scripture songs on cd - Scripture Lullabies is my FAVORITE: http://scripture-lullabies.com/

The promise of coming back to check on them soon.

A wish for sweet dreams.

[Jean in Newcastle]

May I suggest Calms Forte? It is a homeopathic remedy that you can get even at many grocery stores. Otherwise a pharmacy or a health food store would have it. It helps you sleep but it also calms anxiety. You just put it in your mouth and suck it. It has a mildly sweet taste.

[Joanne]

He's not having trouble falling asleep-just a fear thing. I'm very afraid if we sit in the room, he will become dependent on that.

 

I was that child. My parents, while they did some things right, missed the mark on this one.

 

I was afraid. I was able to tell them it was the news; not scary tv shows, not stress in the family. Real things that could and were happening frightened me. They never turned off the news. They didn't believe me.

 

In addition, my Dad stayed upstairs until I fell asleep, but didn't bother to hide how angry and resentful he was that "he had to and you should be a big girl".

 

No amount of discipline, teddy bears, blankets, "talking" was going to help, I assure you. The more they worried about dependency, the less secure, confident and adequate I felt = more fear.

 

He won't stay in this space forever. Just be with him and try to find a way to be with him happily.

[Sara in AZ]

In addition, my Dad stayed upstairs until I fell asleep, but didn't bother to hide how angry and resentful he was that "he had to and you should be a big girl".

 

 

Ugh this hits home for me. My dd7 has always struggled with anxiety, afraid to be alone in any part of the house, and needs us to stay with her at night, which we do often. But I am definitely guilty of failing to hide my resentment.

 

And the info on dysautonomia really caught my attention. I'm off to research that immediately. Thanks HappyGrace for starting this thread that has been hugely eye opening for me and good luck with your Ds!

 

Oh, and I meant to add that when I was about 8 I was up too late at night and saw my parents watching a horrifying documentary on Hiroshema, complete with animation of people's skin being sucked off. My bedroom was in the basement, and I think that for almost a solid year I woke up every night and huddled on the stairs or in the upstairs bathroom in fear. I'm not sure how much my parents were aware of this (I should ask them) but it reinforces for me that there is always a reason for uncharacteristic behavior and it's worth it to get to the bottom of it.

 

Hang in there!

[kitten18]

My DD is 6.5 and we lay with her every night until she falls asleep (she went to sleep on her own for years, but now she needs us to stay with her).

I just take my laptop in and surf the net or a book light and a book and read while the kids are falling asleep. It's a nice wind-down time for me too.

[tarana]

Last Feb we went thro' this with my 7Yr old twins. We had a break-in at our neighbour's house & the guys who did it knocked at our door before going in there. It was scary & my dh was travelling overseas.

The girls would not sleep at all & any noise both were wide awake .

 

I taught them a prayer which we recited loudly sometimes 3-4 times until they felt secure. After a week or two they calmed down but have kept up the prayer routine. On days they see something scary on TV like a news item or heard something from their friends I keep hearing them praying loudly.

 

After all kids are kids! Once in a while, nothing wrong in cuddling them & spending a few minutes with them before they fall asleep. Of course, don't make it a habit.

[NanceXToo]

My daughter went through a phase of being afraid to go to sleep in her room, and what helped for her was letting her leave a light on, and letting her listen to a CD as she tried to fall asleep. But hers was a relatively mild fear.

 

I can remember being extremely afraid to go sleep by myself fairly often when I was young. I couldn't go to sleep unless someone stayed in the room with me, or I could sleep in a room with someone else. Most of the time I was accommodated, which made me feel much better- and I can assure you that I did eventually outgrow it and start going to sleep by myself again.

 

I don't even know what it was I was afraid of. Something being under my bed, and dying, I think (I had had a great uncle die and suddenly became terrified that I was going to die, too).

 

Anyway, do what you can to make him feel secure and help him through this. This is not a discipline issue, and contrary to how I'm sure it feels now, this will not last forever. :)

[Closeacademy]

A lot of children go through a sort of change at this age and can be difficult and part of it can be a development of fears at bedtime. Be calm and reassuring, get a nightlight, and maybe read him something that will help him to know that he is safe and that you are safe during the night.

 

The stage can last a few months and eventually they get over their fears if handled well.:001_smile:

[Haiku]

We are under a lot of stress right now-just came off of all winter with a chronic illness with dd, dh got laid off from his job of 14 years last month, I have a broken toe and a pretty good case of depression, etc.

 

I would imagine this is the source of the problem, and I would not treat it as a discipline issue, nor would I make it a big deal. Ask your son what would make him comfortable and see if you can work with that. My guess is that he will eventually outgrow this.

 

Tara

[HappyGrace]

THANK YOU for the great suggestions and most of all the PERSPECTIVE-it is hard to get a grip when you are in it, especially with other things going on that are throwing you off.

 

We'll try to have a much better attitude about it and attend to his needs with some of these suggestions.

[Pippen]

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