Do you think wanting to marry someone with certain appearances is racist?

[TravelingChris]

So my dd is interested in marrying someone who resembles her ethnicity or a closely related one. My ds thinks that is racist. My dh and I are very closely related ethnically and obviously we were attracted to each other. DO you believe having a preference for certain physical attributes racist if you have no objection to anyone else having mixed race marriages or having other preferences? I don't see it any differently than someone liking dark haired, dark eyed men or someone else liking very tall guys. WHat do you all think? Oh, and we don't have any problems with it if any of our children marry someone of a different ethnicity as long as they are Christians.

[ThatCyndiGirl]

we don't have any problems with it if any of our children marry someone of a different ethnicity as long as they are Christians.

 

 

:glare:

 

I wonder how it would come across if I wrote, "we don't care who our kids marry as long as they are not christians".

[Quiver0f10]

:glare:

 

I wonder how it would come across if I wrote, "we don't care who our kids marry as long as they are not christians".

 

Well she was talking about what her and her DH mind as far as HER children marrying someone. I didn't find that offensive and wouldn't if she had said non-christian. She was talking about herself and her family.

[Carrie12345]

:glare:

 

I wonder how it would come across if I wrote, "we don't care who our kids marry as long as they are not christians".

 

 

I hope my kids marry atheists, or at least agnostics. There, I said it.

 

I also hope they know the difference between "Blonds are hot" and "I'll only marry a blond." Thank goodness I knew the difference between liking tall men and using it as a qualification for marriage. My life has TOTALLY been worth giving up high heels!

[Dandelion]

DO you believe having a preference for certain physical attributes racist if you have no objection to anyone else having mixed race marriages or having other preferences?

 

No, I don't think that's racist. We all have preferences and likes/dislikes when it comes to what we find attractive. If your DD is simply talking about physical attributes that are/aren't attractive to her personally, I don't see a problem with that.

[HappyCrazyMama]

No, I don't think that's racist. We all have preferences and likes/dislikes when it comes to what we find attractive. If your DD is simply talking about physical attributes that are/aren't attractive to her personally, I don't see a problem with that.

 

:iagree:

[Blessedfamily]

There are certain characteristics that attract me more than others. I have one or two "looks" that I like best. But, none of that would be a deal breaker if I met a man who was my heart's desire in the most important areas. I don't consider it racist.

[milovany]

I wonder how it would come across if I wrote, "we don't care who our kids marry as long as they are not christians".

 

I do believe this is the fastest I've ever seen a thread go off topic. :001_huh:

Edited May 22, 2010 by milovaný

[newlifemom]

Well, I always thought I would marry someone with red hair. I'm kind of partial to red hair. Instead, I married an American/Chinese man. Def. no red hair. :D

 

I do remember that G-ma [now 97] said to me, what am supposed to say to him? when I told her I was dating a Chinese man. Funny now that 15 years have past, she loves him. Of course she is blind and starting to forget so maybe . . .:tongue_smilie:

 

Dh always says, "G-ma Oma loves me."

:D

[Scuff]

Agreeing on religion is important and will lead to many issues if they don't have some agreement. Saying "as long as they're christian" and "as long as thry're not" is the same thing: i want someone who thinks like me on the fundementals of life. We're talking about someone who you will spend the rest of your life with, raise children with, ect. These things are important.

 

Race, can be, but doesn't have to be. I don't think it racist to want your own race. Different people are attracted to different attributes. I don't see it much different than saying you like blondes. (although hopefully one puts more emphasis on themore impotant things when choosing a mate.) she may also be thinking practically and not want to deal with society's reactions to interracial marriages. Now, if someone's reasons for not wanting to marry interracially are based in racism, that's different entirely.

[blessed2fosteradopt]

:glare:

 

I wonder how it would come across if I wrote, "we don't care who our kids marry as long as they are not christians".

 

Wouldn't bother me whatsoever just as a previous poster's response didn't phase me. It is about her and her family and for Christians it is very tough to be unequally yoked. I am sure the same applies to people of many faiths. I know from experience. Although I love my husband with every fiber of my being and wouldn't trade him for the world, it would be much easier all the way around if we shared the same faith.

 

Back to the original questions, I don't see a problem with that if it is purely for reasons of attraction and not because she sees her race as superior to others.

 

Blessings,

 

Lisa

[Smithie]

We hope our children find spouses who will make them happy. Even if they drag home a fundamentalist Christian, we accept the situation. Then again, we are working really hard to raise children who would retreat in shocked horror from a potential partner who started to explain how dinosaurs and humans must have existed at the same time :tongue_smilie:

 

I do think that it is something to be AWARE of when a dd talks about only being attracted to same-race men, but it's not something to panic about. If you are providing the opportunity for her to have a positive impression of men with various racial backgrounds, then you are doing your job. Ultimately, setting the criteria for a spouse is going to be up to her.

 

My ds, age 6, asked me just the other day, "how come Jewish people can't marry church people?" I had never told him that. I don't BELIEVE that. It's amazing what kids pick up on, from a very young age, just by internalizing the tenor of their dominant culture. All you can do is craft a reasonable response about how true love isn't always where you think you'll find it and that Mommy and Daddy will support you in any healthy relationship you choose to pursue.

[Laurie4b]

No, I don't think it is racist at all anymore than liking a certain build, etc would be. We're attracted to what we're attracted to.

[redheadeddaughter]

I think most men and women have preferences. I did. Sometimes they seem to change when they meet the person they want to spend the rest of their life with. I know it did for me. I didn't marry someone with drastically different skin color... but to me, he was more essentially different in other ways. Personality, work style, etc. Oh so different!

 

I hope my children see diversity in families though. I do, however, think religion is a very difficult variable to ignore. If you raise your children to believe in a certain values system, it becomes difficult (and sometimes impossible) to integrate a family or spouse with an entirely different set of values. And I'm not just talking about holidays here. So I hope, for their sake, they will find someone who shares those beliefs. It's hard to have harmony in a marriage without shared values (and by that I mean diametrically opposed. as in atheist/christian or catholic/buddhist). Don't you think it would be hard to home educate with a spouse who has a totally different set of beliefs? I'm sure there are exceptions here.

[Cricket]

There are certain characteristics that attract me more than others. I have one or two "looks" that I like best. But, none of that would be a deal breaker if I met a man who was my heart's desire in the most important areas. I don't consider it racist.

 

Yeah, what she said. :001_smile: I was attracted to taller, muscular, dark-haired guys and that's who I married. But I made sure all of the important factors were there (being a Christian was one of them :D). I honestly could not have pictured myself marrying a blond guy who was shorter than me and weighed less than I did.

[annandatje]

It is not racist. It is religionist.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Sometimes we think we will choose a person from a certain "type" and end up with someone totally different - once we get to know them. I wouldn't read too much into it.

[PiCO]

I honestly could not have pictured myself marrying a blond guy who was shorter than me and weighed less than I did.

 

I couldn't either, until I did! OK, he wasn't actually shorter than me.

[dragons in the flower bed]

I wonder how it would come across if I wrote, "we don't care who our kids marry as long as they are not christians".

 

I really hope my kids don't marry evangelists or fundamentalists. I'll still love my kids and grandkids and I'll keep my mouth shut if they make that choice, but sometimes I look at my sleeping babies and say a little prayer. Don't we all hope that we pass on our values to our children?

[dragons in the flower bed]

DO you believe having a preference for certain physical attributes racist if you have no objection to anyone else having mixed race marriages or having other preferences?

 

I think it's immature. At some point you grow up and realize that there are too many essential personality, lifestyle and values matches to find in another person for you to spend time worrying about looks or ethnicity.

[ThatCyndiGirl]

I do believe this is the fastest I've ever seen a thread go off topic. :001_huh:

 

 

Actually, not off topic at all.

 

While the OP's question was "is it racist to prefer to marry a person with a certain 'look'?" she stated that her preference was more about religion.

 

I do not think that it is racist, in and of itself, to say "I prefer blondes" etc, as long as you don't REJECT someone if they are NOT part of your preference.

 

I guess I should have actually answered the question instead of just quoting that one part.

 

And, now after reading all of the other responses I will say that I agree with Dragons in the flowerbed about the fact that it is immature to say, "I am only attracted to X characteristic" because, quite frankly, that just seems like what people say when they haven't experienced the full gamut of what is out there. I thought I would marry a certain "type" and I married someone completely different.

 

I agree that it is fine to say that you want to pass your values on to your children. My dh and I would be saddened if our kids married into a fundie family, so I understand that. I just really think that if I were to start a thread and have THAT little opinion in the opening post I would get slammed for it.

Just sayin'.....

Edited May 22, 2010 by ThatCyndiGirl

[secular_mom]

I hope my kids marry atheists, or at least agnostics. There, I said it.

 

 

:iagree::iagree:

[secular_mom]

I think it's immature. At some point you grow up and realize that there are too many essential personality, lifestyle and values matches to find in another person for you to spend time worrying about looks or ethnicity.

:iagree:

[Rosie_0801]

I don't think there is anything wrong with wanting to marry someone similar to you. Compatibility is a very good basis for a relationship. If someone wants to call that racism, bully for them. I don't think it has anything to do with race. I think it has far more to do with culture. Of course I'm not American so I don't have the same cultural baggage with the idea of race.

 

I can think of many religious stances that would be completely wrong for me, and I wouldn't marry a person belonging to those faiths. I can think of many racial/cultural groups I wouldn't want to marry into as well. I couldn't imagine marrying someone who wasn't tertiary educated. If we'd like to look at that negatively, I'm a snobby shmuck. If we look at it positively, we might say that it is good to know who you are, what your needs are, and that to find a person who matches that as a life partner is nothing other than sensible.

 

Rosie

[Shawna in Texas]

I think it's immature. At some point you grow up and realize that there are too many essential personality, lifestyle and values matches to find in another person for you to spend time worrying about looks or ethnicity.

 

Yes. I was trying to think how to put this. If you never allow exceptions to what you'd normally be attracted to, you would probably miss out on 'the one'. I think deliberately excluding other races without consideration ever would be sad. It just shouldn't be her focus.

 

When we were younger, a lot of us had a 'picture' of what our perfect man was. A feel like I married the perfect man for me, but he looks nothing like the one I pictured. I remember the thought of a hairy chest was disgusting. Luckily, I matured and I don't feel like my husband performed a bait 'n switch.