When you're the "other woman"

[BMW]

I married a man whose wife died of cancer. I have two grown stepsons and two younger ones. This original wife and mom was a strong lady... outspoken, rough around the edges, tough... but loved everyone dearly and was very loved herself. No extended family (husband's sister, older sons, grown niece) really liked that my husband met me and wanted to move on. He didn't take enough time to grieve... grieving tore him up and he felt like he'd go mad. He met me. I am softspoken and compliant... but I love everyone, too. They just haven't been ready to accept me. And I added in my own bunch of kids to the family and the kids haven't all got along, either.

 

Talk about being up against some challenges!!!

 

The first year, we all met together for holidays and birthdays... everyone lives in the same area. Then, things blew up a bit and the second year, we kept our space and spent time working with the kids and being our own family. This year, we are trying, once again, to reach out and invite all the family for birthdays and parties... and they have come around a little bit.

 

I recently read a shared facebook page, though. It wasn't to me. It was just a couple of them talking about missing my husband's wife and how that was when the family was good... that now it just feels broken. I can't take it too personal, but I know it refers to our present family now... and it hurts me. Part of me wants to just pull away again. And part of me says, just keep reaching out...

 

And they have no idea that my life is a rocking boat... winds blowing all around and upsetting life all around... (my side of the family is going through some major changes and it is affecting us...). I am hurting and wondering if we can make it all work because of other things... and I read that they feel the family is broken and it makes it all feel worse.

 

Thanks for listening...

 

Bee

[Oakblossoms]

That would be rough. I don't see what you can do about it. How is your husband feeling about it? He lost his love. His kids lost their mom. It isn't fair is it.

 

How about confronting those who are hurting and saying, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I can't take her place. I'm sorry she is gone. I'm sorry just being me is a reminder that she isn't here. I can't be her.

 

Could you celebrate her life somehow?

 

I don't know if it helps any. I just couldn't read and not say anything. I'll be thinking of your family.

[Mejane]

I'm sorry for your pain.

 

When my dad remarried, we all had to come to terms with a new family dynamic. It was hard! We eventually came to understand that it wasn't better or worse, it was just different and that the "old" family would never be again. They need to get this, too, but it sounds like they're not quite there yet. Just keep being yourself. You sound like a very caring person, and I'm sure you'll win them over eventually.

[Natalieclare]

No words, just...:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:.

[OnTheBrink]

:grouphug:

 

I think your dh needs to say something. You shouldn't have to bear the brunt of their grief and disappointment that the family isn't what it used to be. That's not your fault at all. It's not like you killed her and stole her family, fcol. He needs to make it clear to them that you're his wife, just like she was his wife before, and you deserve all the respect and courtesy they extended to his late wife. They may never love you the way they loved her, and that's ok; you're not her. They do, however, either need to treat you like a member of the family (because you are!) and learn to get to know you and like who YOU are as you, not look at you through the lens of what the late wife was like.

 

:grouphug:

[Once Again]

I don't think you should say or do anything about what you read on facebook. They are grieving still, and confronting them about their feelings will only stir up anger.

[caayenne]

Well, I can relate quite a bit to this, as I married a man who lost his first wife. They didn't have children yet and had only been married four years, so obviously it's not the same exact situation. His family felt much the same way that your DH's family does. They said that it was too soon, and his parents felt like he should wait to move on until they were ready. They thought of his first wife as the daughter they never had. When we told them we were getting married, his mother acted completely surprised, and said that she had no idea we were actually serious about each other, even though we had already been together for well over a year by then. She promised to try harder to like me but then continued to act much the same. His dad just mostly seemed uncomfortable, but I know that he talked with DH before the wedding about whether or not he really wanted to be "tied down" again.

 

Even after we had our first child, they still had pictures of his first wife up all over the place. It was very uncomfortable for me, but I never said a word to them about it. My husband would occasionally discuss it with them, but mostly we just did our best to show how happy we really were together. For what it's worth, some of his extended family (brother, uncles, aunts, etc.) came around pretty quickly, but it was only maybe 2 or 3 years ago when DH's parents started really treating me like one of the family. By then, we had been together for 10 years!

 

I think that my being a good mom to my kids has gone a long way, and I have always done my best to smile and talk with his family regardless of how they were acting. I used to feel really hurt about it, but I finally realized that they just had a really long grieving process and I kind of.....disrupted it, I guess. Try not to take it personally, especially if they are doing their best to be okay when they're actually around you. Hang in there and just keep being yourself, and I promise that it will get better in time!

 

:grouphug:,

Andrea

 

Alex (8) & Ian (4)

Edited April 29, 2010 by caayenne
clarification

[Tokyomarie]

I don't think you should say or do anything about what you read on facebook. They are grieving still, and confronting them about their feelings will only stir up anger.

 

I agree with this. Keeping your perspective- remembering that their grief is not about who you are but about what they've lost. Continuing to be loving toward them in a way that does not encroach upon their grief, yet continues to invite them into your space in a pleasant way will usually have a better effect than anyone asking them to put their grief in a box and hide it away.

 

This happened at a different stage in life, but I lost my much-loved mother-in-law 6 years ago. My father-in-law had a very difficult time being alone. About 6 months after Mom passed away, he met another woman and began to date her. They have not chosen to marry but they spend a lot of time together and she always accompanies him on visits with us. It was very, very difficult for me because my husband is not able to talk about his grief and is not willing for me to share my grief with him. The only one I could share my grief with was my FIL but once "she" was in his life there was never any space for us to talk. I like this woman a lot. She is very different from Mom but a good and very thoughtful woman. It was just hard for me because I wasn't finished grieving when she came into FIL's life and it felt like I had to put my grief in a box and forget it was there.

 

All the best to you as your family continues to adjust to a new normal.

[Starr]

It must be so hard for you. :grouphug: Don't give up. It's not you, it's all the change. And now they are remembering life as they think it was. It was undoubtably not so perfect. :D I would try not to listen or read the gossip. You'll function better without it. Just enjoy the time you have together the best way you can. Maybe there is someone you are more comfortable with that you can get to know better.

[Audrey]

I married a man whose wife died of cancer. I have two grown stepsons and two younger ones. This original wife and mom was a strong lady... outspoken, rough around the edges, tough... but loved everyone dearly and was very loved herself. No extended family (husband's sister, older sons, grown niece) really liked that my husband met me and wanted to move on. He didn't take enough time to grieve... grieving tore him up and he felt like he'd go mad. He met me. I am softspoken and compliant... but I love everyone, too. They just haven't been ready to accept me. And I added in my own bunch of kids to the family and the kids haven't all got along, either.

 

Talk about being up against some challenges!!!

 

The first year, we all met together for holidays and birthdays... everyone lives in the same area. Then, things blew up a bit and the second year, we kept our space and spent time working with the kids and being our own family. This year, we are trying, once again, to reach out and invite all the family for birthdays and parties... and they have come around a little bit.

 

I recently read a shared facebook page, though. It wasn't to me. It was just a couple of them talking about missing my husband's wife and how that was when the family was good... that now it just feels broken. I can't take it too personal, but I know it refers to our present family now... and it hurts me. Part of me wants to just pull away again. And part of me says, just keep reaching out...

 

And they have no idea that my life is a rocking boat... winds blowing all around and upsetting life all around... (my side of the family is going through some major changes and it is affecting us...). I am hurting and wondering if we can make it all work because of other things... and I read that they feel the family is broken and it makes it all feel worse.

 

Thanks for listening...

 

Bee

 

 

I'm sorry you are hurting. Try not to take the facebook thing to heart. My dh's father remarried very shortly after dh's mom passed away from a long battle with cancer. The siblings all still feel like the family is broken. It isn't that fil's new wife isn't a nice lady, but she isn't their mom/grandma/auntie and they are still hurting from that loss, too. I don't think they mean any ill feelings to fil's new wife. They're just expressing their feelings about their mom/grandma/auntie.

 

:grouphug:

[Tree House Academy]

Have you shared what you read with your dh? If you haven't, I would. Maybe opening up and just telling him how you feel will help?

 

My grandmother was engaged to a man that was killed in WWII. After he died, she met my grandfather. For 45 YEARS, my grandfather felt like he lived in this man's shadow...when, in truth, he didn't at all. She loved him so very dearly (my grandpa) and I don't think he would ever let himself believe that because of what happened.

 

Today, I was sitting in a dentist's office reading an article about a couple having the exact.same.issues as you describe. The couple went to counseling and I really that is probably best in your case too. Maybe you could start with just you going. Then, when you feel comfortable, have dh come. If lingering issues arise, perhaps you could have other family members come too.

 

*hugs* I know this can't be easy!

[Julie in CA]

They said that it was too soon, and his parents felt like he should wait to move on until they were ready.

Andrea, please forgive me if this question is too intrusive, but how long had your dh's first wife been gone when you arrived in his life?

[caayenne]

Andrea, please forgive me if this question is too intrusive, but how long had your dh's first wife been gone when you arrived in his life?

That's okay......we became friends about a month after she died, and we started dating after a few months. When we got married, she had been gone for over 2 years. Our situation was kind of strange, though, because DH's first marriage was not a happy one......he knew that, and I knew that, but his family really didn't. He tried to talk to his parents about it, but they really didn't want to hear it. They wanted to keep their happy memories of their daughter-in-law and the marriage that they remembered.

 

-Andrea

 

Alex (8) & Ian (4)

Edited April 29, 2010 by caayenne

[Granny_Weatherwax]

No words but I wanted you to know I am thinking about you.

 

:grouphug:

[Kari C in SC]

My sil passed away 6 years ago. My bil remarried a year later. My sil was my best friend and truly my sister. I miss her more than words. I have also grown to love my new sil. I will never love her the way I loved his first wife. Not because she isn't as good as his first wife or anything like that. Just because his first wife and I were connected. My sil passed away tragically and unexpectedly. It has taken this family a LONG time to move on and I am not sure all of us have.

 

I remember coming here to visit and meeting his soon to be new wife. My dh insisted we drive the 9 hours with a 6 week old newborn because I was making myself crazy wondering about her. The first two days - all I could do was cry. Not because there was a new woman in his life, but because I missed my friend. I came to the house that she built, saw her children, saw all the things she loved, but she was not there. As we were getting ready to leave, I stood in the street and talked to soon to be second wife. My tears flowed and I told her how sorry I was. That it really had NOTHING to do with how I felt about her. It have EVERYTHING to do with how much I missed wife number 1. Wife number 2 was amazing. She told me she didn't expect us to magically stop missing her just because she was becoming part of the family. She told me that she was in a separate relationship with bil - one that was not a part of his first marriage. She didn't expect me to forget all my memories and love for wife number 1. She knew that wife number 1 was loved and missed. That was over 5 years ago, now I actually live next door to them. My niece and nephew come over to do school and hang out with me. There are so many days where I miss their mom. I am angry that she is gone and I am here. I wish she had never died. I don't understand how I can be here with her kids and she is not. In other words - I have a ton of emotions about her. None of those emotions have a thing to do with wife number 2. I love wife number 2 as I do my other sils. She is a great person, but that doesn't change the empty feeling I have when I just want to talk to wife number 1. I hope some of this makes sense and I really hope you find peace.

[TechWife]

 

I recently read a shared facebook page, though. It wasn't to me. It was just a couple of them talking about missing my husband's wife and how that was when the family was good... that now it just feels broken. I can't take it too personal, but I know it refers to our present family now... and it hurts me.

 

As one who has lost both a brother in law and a brother, I urge you not to take it personally. It may very well be that they were not referring to you at all. Broken is actually a good description of what it feels like when the family gets together. Even after time, we all know someone is missing. They will always know at family events, the children's birth mother is not there. It is hard for many to celebrate a birthday when the mother is not and never will be again. Have you talked freely with them about the birth mother? Asked them questions about her? What she liked to do in her free time, favorite colors, songs, bands, etc. Asked them if they know any "birth stories" about the children? Do they know anything about her first boyfriend? Did she go to prom her senior year? These are things the children may want to know as they grow up and it would be fantastic if they could hear these things from you & know they can call "Aunt Jane" if they want more stories.

 

I am still often blown away by the realization that death is final on this earth. I intellectually knew it, but experiencing it is something else entirely. Don't be too hard on them.

[ThatCyndiGirl]

Well, to be honest....their family IS still broken. It may feel like you and your dh have tried to glue it back together with your marraige, but her absence is still very tangible to them.

 

 

Please try to separate their feelings of loss in which they grieve their relationship with her...from YOUR relationship with them. (the IL's) I know it probably feels like, "Well, if she had never died then there would BE no relationship with my DH", which is true.

 

I'm so sorry that you are going through this. You must feel like you are on the outside looking in. :grouphug:

[Peela]

I am a stepmum and my stepdd21 sometimes blames me for things. She andher dad had a very stormy relationship and it got down to the fact that while she was living with us, there was no peace in the house because she seemed to trigger her dad's anger several times a day. But me saying I couldnt live with it anymore made me the bad guy. Really, she is quite forgiving and sweet and is never rude to my face- but we dont see her a lot.

 

I also have been in the opposite situation. Very soon after my parents separated when I was 13 years old, both my prents had new partners, and while both were kind to me, I never realyl accepted them. Recently my mum's partner of back then (they separated lter but remained friends) died and I sent my condolences and felt some regret that he and I never really reconciled. The rest of teh fmaily loved him, it was jst me who coldnt accept my mother being with another man (who was also an alcoholic).

My dad is still with the woman he went to straight from my mother. None of the family like her a lot- she is very highly strung and over sensitive and openly cares about being with my dad for reasons of "status" (he has a PhD). The rest of us dont care about stuff ike that at all. She tries SO hard though,and sends presents and remembers everyone's birthdays, but thn gets VERY upset if we forget hers! She SO wants to be accepted, its a turn off- and this is 25 years later

 

I would just be yourself, care if you genuinely do, but don't ovedo it too much. Its life, and mixed fmilies defnitely have their challenges.

[Danestress]

It's very difficult. I have also been the second wife after a death, and I understand your desire to be accepted and loved as any wife should be. But there is something that is broken.

 

My husband was widowed for a few years before we married, and when he married me, his life moved on and he found a new relationship to invest in. It's not like I replaced her as a person, but I did fill the role of "wife" again, in my own way and with my own personality. But his first wife's siblings could not really find a new person to be "sister." That part of their lives is forever gone. They will have no new sister who can share all their childhood memories and who will remember then coming home from the hospital as babies, learning to walk (she was the oldest), or who who serves as their bride's maid - etc.

 

Her parents will never have another daughter - not only is she gone, but the place she filled in that family is gone.

 

Even though they still have her son, their grandchild, who is now my son too, the relationship is changed. It's just different, and I am sure to them it feels very broken indeed. It's not about me. I think they like me. But they can absolutely like me and still deeply mourn her, just as a parent can love one child and still be forever grieving the loss of another. People can feel two things at once.

 

Most importantly, everyone who loves her children will always feel very sad that this happened to them. I adopted my former step-son when he was five, and in many ways, he has had a mother, though is life is forever altered by what he lost. Your DH's children, at least some of them, were older. They lost something that is irreplaceable and that will forever leave a sad spot in their lives. That doesn't mean that they won't love and honor you, have happy lives, and prosper. But the loss they have suffered is a serious one, and it sounds like it's only a couple of years old. Really, some of them probably haven't fully processed her death and it's affect on their family.

 

My advice - be patient. But also, feel free to establish a little circle around your family. It's okay for you to "pull away" in some ways. It's okay to make some space for your new immediate family at the holidays. You don't have to invite every person to every event. Your position is a tough one, and you need to feel that you can have some "apartness" as a family.

[KarenNC]

Hopefully you and your husband will be wiser than my family in handling the situation. It's a good sign that they are coming around even a little. My mother died suddenly when I was 19, my sister 14. We lived one block from my maternal grandmother and had been at her house basically every day of our lives. We had grown up in the (very small) church where she had grown up and my grandmother still attended. We had very little relationship with my father's family because of distance and other factors.

 

My father is the type who can't be alone and is very controlling. He met someone new (someone very different from my mother) within a month of my mother's death, was engaged to her within 3 months of meeting and married 4 months after that (so 8 months after my mother died--my stepmother's husband had died of cancer 7 months before she met my dad). My mother's family did not take this well, especially initially, and my father responded by declaring that we should cut off all contact with my mother's family. He and my stepmother moved to a radically different type of church---I was allowed to take my sister to our church for a while, but in a short time he declared that his family was all going to the same place (I also returned to college, so she had no independent way to really get there). Whenever I could manage to see my grandmother, all I heard was how awful my father was. All I heard from my father was how awful my mother's family was and that I needed to be loyal to him and our family.

 

It was very hard to be caught in between my grandmother and my father. She was so caught up in grieving her only daughter and my father so caught up in his new relationship that neither was in a place to see what their actions were doing to others. I felt that as the oldest child, I had to be responsible for my younger sister and for trying to keep the peace, to the point that I shut down my own grieving process within a few weeks (and, trust me, it will come out later when you least expect it!). My father fully expected that my sister and I should be moving on into this new relationship along with him and dropping all our past/present other relationships as unimportant.

 

It was really hard for my stepmother as well, as she moved away from her extended family, grown children and grandchildren (who had lived next door to her) as well as the entire community in which she had lived her entire life. Twenty-six years later, it's still hard for her (not the least because my dad is not the easiest person to live with), but at least she has a good relationship with my sister and me now. Best of luck to all of you.

[BMW]

I had a beautiful ending to yesterday.

 

Mid-day I picked up flowers - an arrangement for my table for my young boys and my husband and another one for the grown sons and their home. I bought each older son a card and wrote to them what I could...

 

To one I shared that there's nothing I can say except that I care and am so sorry for their loss, that I know it hurts very much.

 

To the other one who I know better and have interracted with more, I found a card that expressed "I believe in you" because he has made such incredibly mature decisions and been so responsible... I shared that I imagine that his mom would have picked out this card, too, because of who he is and that I am proud of him, too.

 

When the oldest son, who struggles the most, got in late, having car trouble and feeling sad, he saw the flowers and card. He called me and shared that it was a difficult day and how much it meant to him and thanked me SO sincerely. The other son thanked me as well.

 

The person who made the comment is their cousin... I'll just let it slide. I do see her at family events from time to time, but I know that I care for these boys and they know that I do, too. I will just be me and love them all...

 

Thanks for the hugs.

[Mejane]

So glad for you.

Edited April 29, 2010 by Mejane