I have a q for people with step families/open adoptions (very long)

[Tap]

I would really like some advice on this situation and please feel free to be very honest. I will put on my Rhino skin....

 

DD3 is my great-niece of who I am the "permanent legal guardian". This designation is unique to Oregon, and is as permanent as an adoption (I usually just say she is adopted to make things simpler). One difference in the way we set up the guardianship is that her bio-parents remain on the birth certificate, and are still legally her parents. They have no rights beyond what I allow them. They cannot fight me on any decision I make, have no legal right to visitation, cannot sue me or try to get custody back. My only legal responsibility to them, that I agreed to in court, is that I will send them a photo once a year if they provide me with their address. Because they are still the legal parents, the father has to pay child support (the mother got her financial responsibility dropped somehow) of about $400 a month. It goes to the state, not us to pay for her Medicaid and back expenses while in foster care. The child gets a TANF grant for a few hundred a month that does come to us to help pay her expenses.

 

We fostered her until she was 2yo and did weekly visitations with her bio-parents. In the past 18mths, the bio-father has seen her 5-6 times and the bio-mother, not at all. The bio-father lives 5 hours away.

 

DD3 is a huge handful and is getting harder day by day. She is drug/alcohol affected and has some behavioral issues that we think may be genetic from her mother/grandmother. We would love a break, to be able to take weekend trip with just the older kids and to not have the chaos that always surrounds the 3yo. I set a $100 a month aside from her money and have $800 saved so far. I would like to take a weekend with just the older kids, dh and I to do things that are appropriate for them without the 3yo (and all the joys that go along with her) in tow. Due to her behaviors, dh and I usually split the family and one keeps her while the others go do things that are of interest to the older kids. I want a carefree, no stress day of good hiking (trails that aren't little kid friendly or are too long), or kayaking or any of the things we used to do before she came to us.

 

 

I have considered offering to pay a friend of mine to keep the 3yo for a weekend every 4 monthes. I would offer her $100 per day to keep her. She has a teenage daughter and husband to help out, and she understands dd3's issues and can handle her. She has kept her twice overnight before, but my dd11 was there as well. This would be just dd3. She is one of those parents who like to make everyday a 'fun day' so dd3 would be kept busy and happy while we were gone. DD3 has a bond to this family as she has known them since she was a baby.

 

DD3's 24yo-bio-father works part time at Walmart and since he pays $400 a month child support, I know he doesn't get much money out of his paycheck each week. He could relinquish all of his rights to the state, and then he wouldn't have to pay child support but he doesn't want to do that. He wants to stay her father if only on paper. He doesn't drive and lives 5 hours away. When he comes to visit, his mom and siblings often come too. The mom has several drug convictions, bipolar disorder, and drinks quite a bit. The sibs are older teens. A trip her in their old car probably costs him a couple weeks of his take home pay. He lives with his mother in an old coast town that doesn't have much going for it, hence the part-time Walmart job. He really, really loves this little girl. She loves him too. It is amazing that she only sees him 4 times a year or so, but has such a firm bond to him. The family loves her as well, and they are often crying when they leave visitation. There is a true and real bond between dd3 and this family. Because they are only her occasionally, I always supervise the visitation. I like to have the time to get to know the family and I want to make sure dd3 is comfortable. They drive a 10 hour round trip to see her and I try to give them a 6+ hour visit when they come, usually what ever is left of the day after nap time. I will not take her to him for a visit, I wholeheartedly feel that he needs to make the effort to get to her right now. Almost a way to prove to her that he wants to be with her. (Silly, I know on my part, but that is how I feel.) The father is a 'non-offending' parent and did nothing to hurt the child, he got caught up in this because of my niece and then couldn't get out before the court's decided to finalize her placement. He didn't have a job or an appropriate home (living with people who had drug convictions) and that was why he lost his chance to retain her.

 

The grand mother is very nice and loving, I have seen the bad side to her mental illess in person before. She can turn very cold, and mean, very quick. There was a day in court where she sat, glaring at me from across the court room but I haven't spent much time with her to know how bad her 'bad spells' are and if they are mainly emotional or if she could/would get physical as well. She seems well controlled for the past year on meds, but with bi-polar, I know it can spring out of no-where as well.

 

I am beginning to think, that maybe instead of paying for dd to stay with my friend, I may offer to put the money toward a hotel for the bio-father and his family to stay in town for the weekend. If they would pay 1/2, I could pay the remaining and they would get 3 days instead of 6hours. I have no concerns about the bio-dad, but I do have concerns about the grandmother. The bio-dad doesn't drive so the grandmother will definitely be there, as she would be the driver. There are no Amtrak or reasonable bus routes that he can take to get here from where he lives. And the family would want to be there also.

 

Another concern I have is this: if I let them have unsupervised visitation for a weekend, it would then become awkward for me to continue supervising them on other visits. Kind of like, I don't trust them unless it is convenient to me. I do trust them, but I know that dd3 can be unpredictable and can turn violent at the drop of a hat. IF gma is having a hard weekend, being in the big-city that she hates, get emotional about the situation (her first and only g-child) and is out of her element, I worry more about dd3 setting off the grandma If she is having a bad weekend....if grandma is feeling good, I am certain the weekend will be good.

 

One thing that keeps coming back to me, is that the bio-dad is paying child support (garnished by the state-not voluntary) and will for 15 more years. If he didn't have to pay that, I really believe he would visit more often. I feel like the child support, him wanting to stay the legal father, and his efforts to visit, shoud be worth more than what he has. I am willing to do more visits but he doesn't have the money or choice to visit more often. I know they live in HUD housing and they have very, very little money.

 

Wow, that is long! What would you do? What advice to you have or thoughts on the situation.

 

 

 

 

 

 

As a side note....I don't think his lawyer did a good job in court. I think the attorney tried to make the guardianship seem less permanent than it is. (There are two guardianships in Oregon- one is Temporary and one is Permanent. ) I think he made the bio-father believe that we, as guardians, could/would just give her back to him when ever he got his life on track. For us to undo the guardianship, we would surrender the child to the state, and she would go back to foster care, not him.

Edited April 28, 2010 by Tap, tap, tap

[Tap]

I forgot to say this:

 

If I am going to allow someone to spend a weekend with dd3, I feel that I should let dd spend it with her bio-father....not my friend. That this could be a time of real growth in their relationship and a time for them to bond. We have no intention of keeping dd3 and bio-dad apart. The only thing that prevents him from having continuous visits with her....is his 5 hour distance from us. If he lived in town, we would be happy to let him have her very often.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I do not have a step family nor have I been involved in an adoption. I have, however, provided state provided respite for families and was appointed by the state as a person who supervised visits between child abusers and their children (I can't remember what the position was called). Honestly, I would pay your friend for the first weekend. Then I would slowly start to let the dad and his family have some unsupervised time with your/his little girl. You really want to be able to do this gradually where you can put supervision back without it being a big deal if they just are not able to handle it (not just because they might have problems but because of her difficult issues).

[jeri]

I think that 3 is too young to leave her unsupervised. She is not really old enough to "read" other people, such as when G-ma is going into one of her moods. If someone hits her due to frustration, she is not old enough to call you or even to tell you coherently what happened. I think it's honorable for you to want to have them spend more one-on-one time with her, but I think she is too young. Now in a couple of years . . .

jeri

[Renee in NC]

I do not have a step family nor have I been involved in an adoption. I have, however, provided state provided respite for families and was appointed by the state as a person who supervised visits between child abusers and their children (I can't remember what the position was called). Honestly, I would pay your friend for the first weekend. Then I would slowly start to let the dad and his family have some unsupervised time with your/his little girl. You really want to be able to do this gradually where you can put supervision back without it being a big deal if they just are not able to handle it (not just because they might have problems but because of her difficult issues).

 

:iagree:

 

I think going from 6 hours supervised to 3 days unsupervised is *way* too fast, specially considering her special needs.

[jeri]

I am the adoptive mom of three, none open, but all older children who knew andn lived wth their bio families.

 

jeri

[Dobela]

Good points so far. I would also add that you should probably talk to your attorney as well to make sure you won't be doing anything in violation of the court rulings. Allowing an unsupervised visit could endanger your role as well if something unexpected happens.

 

 

I would ask your friend, that she is most familiar with to keep her. Another otion would be to see if you could get any medicaid waiver hours for an assistant or someone that is paid and specially trained to stay with her. I know many adoptive (and nonadoptive) families who use this resource for just what you have described. Or, if you know any foster parents that can do respite, they may be willing to work with you and accept her for a weekend. I know I have also done that in the past.

[Alice]

I have no qualifications as far as BTDT. I agree that I'd leave her with the friend rather than Dad and family. Sounds very reasonable for you to have some respite and sounds like that would be a very safe and good place for her. I might offer the weekend to Dad first with you in town so you can see how a longer time goes and I'd agree that I'd do shorter unsupervised time first rather than a whole weekend.

[Denisemomof4]

I applaud you for giving your older children a much needed reprieve from their younger sibling.

 

I think I would pay your friend. I admire this young man for doing all he does, but he's had SUPERVISED visits only, 6 hours or so at a time. I wouldn't want to give him more responsibility than he's capable of, and I definitely would worry about your daughter being over stimulated in that situation, which would cause her behaviors to escalate, which could cause the grandmother to escalate. I think overall YOU'D feel more peaceful with your daughter at your friend's place, and that would allow you to enjoy your family more.

[JoyfulMama]

From a professional point of view:

I agree that the weekend with your friend is the best option for you at this time.

Although the bio-dad seems to be a stable person, and you don't have concerns leaving your dd3 with him, you DO have concerns leaving dd3 with his mother. Therefore, this way, NO.

I would not advise trying an unsupervised weekend before having successful shorter unsupervised visitation.

If you would like to increase his time with dd3, and not depend on his family, without alternative transportation at this time, then this would mean the effort of your time, your gas.

[FaithManor]

DH and I have done respite care for families that adopted children with FAS/FAE. We had to take special training in order to do so and have worked with some really difficult cases. So, I am speaking from some experience here.

 

Please do not leave her with biological father and grandmother. The consequences could be disastrous. Though he may not be an "offending" parent, that doesn't mean that he has the skills to deal with dd. He only comes 4-5 times a year for supervised time in which your expertise in dealing with her is still the over-riding authority with her. He should never be left alone with her until he has had some training and spent a lot more time in your household with you supervising him doing her daily care. He needs to see the impulsivity, the melt-downs, the short-circuited memory quirks, etc. He needs to see and be instructed in the appropriate ways to handle it. If he is ever left alone with her, it needs to be without grandma (whose emotional issues may actually cause more problems regardless of how much she loves dd) and you should be only a few miles and a cell phone call away should he feel that he is in over his head, can't calm her, can't get her to obey, feels frustrated, angry, or panicky.

 

Essentially, he is nothing more than a newbie parent but this child is not like a regular three year old and he didn't have the bonding experience during infancy and the practice parenting a child who was not yet defiant to help him into the next stage. His learning curve here is just huge and this makes the situation ripe for something unfortunate to happen that will set dd's development back.

 

You do need the time off and your more experienced friend who already understands dd and her issues is a much better choice.

 

Also, we had friends who foster-parented for a brief time in Seattle. They ended up with a permanent guardianship of their foster-son. This was through the state of Washington. They moved to Indiana and did not have any issues with the guardianship but when they moved from Indiana to Oregon, they had a heap of trouble. Oregon, at the time, did not honor permanent guardianships and they found that they had little legal rights to their son.This was well more than a decade ago. So, it doesn't sound like a lot has changed in Oregon. I am very glad for you that you have an enforceable guardianship!.

 

I hope you get to have a nice weekend! If I were in Oregon, I would come take care of dd for you. (((HUGS)))

 

Faith

[Smithie]

...and this is what I hate about permanent legal guardianship. It's way for the state to recoup some money, I guess, but that little bit of $$ is not worth the shift in attitude that it causes.

 

Would you have left one of your biological children for three days in a hotel room with a mentally ill woman?

 

No?

 

Then show the same level of mamabear protectiveness for your dd3, and hire a respite provider who you have used for your "own" kids in the past (i.e. your friend who has watched dd2).

 

YOU are the parents - I don't care what the birth certificate says. She may have a bond with her biofather, but he's never had a parental role in her life. If he'd like to have one - if he'd like to move to your area and start fulfilling his responsibilities, which of course he is NOT right now, regardless of how much he pays the state, then that would be great. I can see why you'd want that. I would want that myself, for a child who had been given into my guardianship.

 

But that ball is in his court. Your job is to love and protect your dd3 just as you love and protect the children you gave birth to. SHE is your priority - not her hard-luck biodad or his struggling family.

[Tap]

THANK SO MUCH TO EVERYONE!!! and yes I am yelling! :D:D

 

 

My heart has been telling me to use my friend, but my head kept saying all the reasons I should consider the bio-father. My heart really hurts for him but he made his decisions in the case from the beginning. The courts were telling him what he needed to do, but he was just too immature to believe them and do what was expected.

 

I really appreciate everyone taking the time to read all of that and to weigh in. I feel so, so much better having put it all into words and to have so many people feeling the same as I do.

 

 

I still welcome any more comments, either for the dad or for the friend.

[fivetails]

:iagree:

 

I think going from 6 hours supervised to 3 days unsupervised is *way* too fast, specially considering her special needs.

 

:iagree:

 

 

I wouldn't do it. No way.

 

You should check into respite services ~ most people who have children with special needs do qualify for a certain number of respite hours per *whatever time period*

[Cera]

I would definitely opt for the friend at this point. If you want to move toward unsupervised visitation with the bio-father I would start with a short trip out during his next visit (he takes her to the park alone, out for ice cream, etc). Gradually increase the time with each visit until he is spending the entire day alone with her then offer an overnight in your town if you think he can handle it (and be home and available to take her if he can't).

Edited April 27, 2010 by Cera
typo

[mycalling]

I'm going against the majority and saying I'd let the bio-dad do it. DD has grown to love and bond with him and there is a way to foster that. You haven't had a 3-day weekend without her so far, so why a rush to get to that now? Do an overnight trial with them (even just DD and him) in a hotel nearby your home.

 

Talk with the bio-father and tell him what you'd like for DD and him, but also what your concerns are. I'd bet he'd scramble as much as he had to to comply.

 

I hate this assumption that little experience equals zero capabilities. Newborn infants go home to parents far less qualified.

[myfunnybunch]

I don't have any advice because I think you've gotten some wise words so far. But I just can't help responding to the compassion you're showing for her bio father. Both he and your dd are fortunate to have such kindness in their lives and that you're willing to help protect their relationship. :grouphug:

 

Cat

[Denisemomof4]

I don't have any advice because I think you've gotten some wise words so far. But I just can't help responding to the compassion you're showing for her bio father. Both he and your dd are fortunate to have such kindness in their lives and that you're willing to help protect their relationship. :grouphug:

 

Cat

 

:iagree:

[Cindyg]

Just one more thought -- three days is a long time for a group of people plus a rambunctious kid to spend in a hotel room. There's nothing to do in a hotel room but lay on the bed and watch TV; there's not even anywhere for everyone to sit.

 

Whoever is keeping the kid, she'd be better off in a house for three days.

[Laurie4b]

I think that 3 is too young to leave her alone with biodad and mentally ill grandmother. He's not around dd enough to maybe read her if his mother starts to scare her and he may be too used to his mother to notice the effect that she's having.

 

I think you should take dd to visit him. You say that he was not guilty of anything, wanted custory, and had a bad attorney. He gives up two weeks pay just to see her. I'm not sure what the reason is that he needs to be the one that makes all the effort when it seems that you like and trust him and think he's good for dd.

 

I think it would be using biodad to let him babysit but not to take dd to visit him.

[Starr]

I think any age is too young to leave with bio dad and his mom. Follow your heart on this one.

[Tap]

Just one more thought -- three days is a long time for a group of people plus a rambunctious kid to spend in a hotel room. There's nothing to do in a hotel room but lay on the bed and watch TV; there's not even anywhere for everyone to sit.

 

Whoever is keeping the kid, she'd be better off in a house for three days.

 

We always rent rooms at hotels with pools. They wouldn't have to stay in the room all day...we live in a large city with many, many kid venues. There are many parks and it would be easy to find a hotel within walking distance of one also. There are also hotels near the malls, and on public transportation routes if they didn't want to drive. The father lived here until last year and used the public transportation system exclusively (that is why he doesn't have a licence...you don't have to drive here if you don't want to) so I know he wouldn't think twice to use it now.

 

 

 

 

:lol: That would be hard weekend, to be stuck in a hotel with a difficult 3yo and most likely 3 adults. LOL.

[Tap]

I think that 3 is too young to leave her alone with biodad and mentally ill grandmother. He's not around dd enough to maybe read her if his mother starts to scare her and he may be too used to his mother to notice the effect that she's having.

 

I think you should take dd to visit him. You say that he was not guilty of anything, wanted custody, and had a bad attorney. He gives up two weeks pay just to see her. I'm not sure what the reason is that he needs to be the one that makes all the effort when it seems that you like and trust him and think he's good for dd.

 

I think it would be using biodad to let him babysit but not to take dd to visit him.

 

 

My commitment to the visitation is that I give up an entire day to supervise the visitation. I drive her to where ever they want to meet within 45minutes, and basically sit by myself as they play at the park. Sometimes the family members sit with me and chat. If we go to eat, we sit together. I also did 2 years of weekly visitations, which included my driving an hour, to spend an hour. I do feel like I have put in my time.

 

I spend 365 days a year taking care of his daughter, he can spend a couple of his to come to see her. He lived locally when this all started, he chose to move.

[Tap]

I don't have any advice because I think you've gotten some wise words so far. But I just can't help responding to the compassion you're showing for her bio father. Both he and your dd are fortunate to have such kindness in their lives and that you're willing to help protect their relationship. :grouphug:

 

Cat

 

That was very kind, thank you. I think it is important to encourage this relationship as long as it is healthy. I hope she can have a real relationship with him as she grows up.

 

Thanks again,

~Tap

[Tap]

I'm going against the majority and saying I'd let the bio-dad do it. DD has grown to love and bond with him and there is a way to foster that. You haven't had a 3-day weekend without her so far, so why a rush to get to that now? Do an overnight trial with them (even just DD and him) in a hotel nearby your home.

 

Talk with the bio-father and tell him what you'd like for DD and him, but also what your concerns are. I'd bet he'd scramble as much as he had to to comply.

 

I hate this assumption that little experience equals zero capabilities. Newborn infants go home to parents far less qualified.

 

I agree with the idea that the inexperienced parent is still capable. She is 3 and is quite verbal so that makes her easier than an infant. But her behavior issues, make her possibly volatile. She may be an angel....she may be a terror....you don't know which personality she will wake up with. While the bio-gma is my concern, she may also be the best equipped to deal with her as she has raised 4 kids on her own, and one was deaf from birth. She also has some of the same issues as dd3, and she has talked to me openly about them, so she could have some unique skills in dealing with her.....or it could all blow up like a firecracker....LOL

 

Dh and I have talked more, and we still want to encourage bio-dad to have more time with her, and we are willing to be an agent to facilitate that. I really feel it is only a positive relationship so far.

 

Due to talks about this tonight, (I mentioned everyone's point of view here including yours) we are talking about taking a weekend at the coast (a town 2 hours North of him), and maybe paying for a second room at the same hotel. That way we would be accessible, but still have a break. We could go in with the intention of her staying at night with us and then make decisions to let her stay with him based on the successes of the day. We could have some meals together and maybe she can stay with him for the night if it works out.

 

We have the hopes that by this occurring away from the city, this will not set a precedence of just letting him take her for unsupervised visits once we are back home. I have no problem setting boundaries, but I want our times together to be positive for every one and to have us all leave feeling that it created a wonderful memory and that we all know each other a little better at the end of the day. When she was about 2yo she was almost returned to the bio-parents (they were together at the time-the are not now) and they did have a few unsupervised visits. We went back to supervised when he moved away and there were months in between visits. We have made the switch once so I feel he will cooperate in the future.

[Tap]

:iagree:

 

 

I wouldn't do it. No way.

 

You should check into respite services ~ most people who have children with special needs do qualify for a certain number of respite hours per *whatever time period*

 

We are not eligible for free respite and if I need to pay for it....I have no problem hiring a friend who knows her. I have two that have offered help so I hope between the two, one may work out.

 

 

Our case is more complicated than most partially because we live in Washington, but her case is in Oregon. We have legal restrictions due to this that most people wouldn't have. We have no resources available to us except the TANF grant and Medicaid. She doesn't get the extra helps that children adopted out of foster care get. For fellow foster parents "she is non-IV-E eligible", which basically means she is not eligible for any federal funds that are set up to help children in foster care. Also, since we are family, there are fewer funding programs. Even when she was in our home as a foster child...we didn't get foster payments. The state of Oregon said "We expect family to take care of family. Your a half-great-aunt (1/32) so you should financially support her."

[Tap]

...and this is what I hate about permanent legal guardianship. It's way for the state to recoup some money, I guess, but that little bit of $$ is not worth the shift in attitude that it causes.

 

Would you have left one of your biological children for three days in a hotel room with a mentally ill woman?

 

No?

 

Then show the same level of mamabear protectiveness for your dd3, and hire a respite provider who you have used for your "own" kids in the past (i.e. your friend who has watched dd2).

 

YOU are the parents - I don't care what the birth certificate says. She may have a bond with her biofather, but he's never had a parental role in her life. If he'd like to have one - if he'd like to move to your area and start fulfilling his responsibilities, which of course he is NOT right now, regardless of how much he pays the state, then that would be great. I can see why you'd want that. I would want that myself, for a child who had been given into my guardianship.

 

But that ball is in his court. Your job is to love and protect your dd3 just as you love and protect the children you gave birth to. SHE is your priority - not her hard-luck biodad or his struggling family.

 

I do agree about being protective, I do agree that it extends to her as well as my bio-kids. I don't want anyone to think that I am considering just dropping her off with a bi-polar adult who is in full manic mode, I do see that she appears stable and her adult kids are telling me how great she is doing. I have worked with people who have various forms of mental illness for years. But, like I mentioned...I know what being bi-polar means and how quick a light switch can go off in the brain and make everything change rapidly. I also feel that people with mental illness are quite often wonderful, loving, incredible people and shouldn't be discarded based on a diagnosis. And I don't want to limit their time together based on an idea that 'something might go wrong'. The dad grew up with this mom, so I figure he has incredible insight into her illness (sometimes family understands better than the patient LOL) UUUUUGGGHHHHH...:willy_nilly: I can talk myself into any direction with this! The gma also has the car, so if she did start having issues, he could have her leave and we could just arrange another way home for him. It may be a 2 day bus ticket, but we could make it work. Okay, LOL, I am talking in circles.

Edited April 28, 2010 by Tap, tap, tap

[Tap]

DH and I have done respite care for families that adopted children with FAS/FAE. We had to take special training in order to do so and have worked with some really difficult cases. So, I am speaking from some experience here.

 

Please do not leave her with biological father and grandmother. The consequences could be disastrous. Though he may not be an "offending" parent, that doesn't mean that he has the skills to deal with dd. He only comes 4-5 times a year for supervised time in which your expertise in dealing with her is still the over-riding authority with her. He should never be left alone with her until he has had some training and spent a lot more time in your household with you supervising him doing her daily care. He needs to see the impulsively, the melt-downs, the short-circuited memory quirks, etc. He needs to see and be instructed in the appropriate ways to handle it. If he is ever left alone with her, it needs to be without grandma (whose emotional issues may actually cause more problems regardless of how much she loves dd) and you should be only a few miles and a cell phone call away should he feel that he is in over his head, can't calm her, can't get her to obey, feels frustrated, angry, or panicky.

 

Essentially, he is nothing more than a newbie parent but this child is not like a regular three year old and he didn't have the bonding experience during infancy and the practice parenting a child who was not yet defiant to help him into the next stage. His learning curve here is just huge and this makes the situation ripe for something unfortunate to happen that will set dd's development back.

 

You do need the time off and your more experienced friend who already understands dd and her issues is a much better choice.

 

Also, we had friends who foster-parented for a brief time in Seattle. They ended up with a permanent guardianship of their foster-son. This was through the state of Washington. They moved to Indiana and did not have any issues with the guardianship but when they moved from Indiana to Oregon, they had a heap of trouble. Oregon, at the time, did not honor permanent guardianships and they found that they had little legal rights to their son.This was well more than a decade ago. So, it doesn't sound like a lot has changed in Oregon. I am very glad for you that you have an enforceable guardianship!.

 

I hope you get to have a nice weekend! If I were in Oregon, I would come take care of dd for you. (((HUGS)))

 

Faith

 

I appreciate the wise words about having him go through some training. I have casually mentioned before about having him come to visit on a day that would allow him to come to therapy with us. It hasn't worked out, but if I do decide to move forward with this idea in the future, maybe I will put this step into the process.

 

Even though he doesn't deal with the day to day issues, it would be good for him to understand her better.

 

The permanent guardianship was the only way would accept her aside from adoption. I couldn't imagine raising her for 7 or 10 years and then take a chance that we could be taken to court and be sued for her custody. It is a good option for families like us that want to maintain a true open-adoption format. We couldn't live in fear that it could all unravel any day.

[Tap]

Not this time Tap. If it weren't for the relatives and the lack of longer visits I would say yes since the bio dad seems like a good guy and you have no issues with him.

 

You can not make his choices or misfortune your problem. You need to think about dd3, her safety and stability.

 

The grandmother is not stable but it is a packaged deal so unsupervised is a no-go imo.

 

Is there any chance you can encourage bio-dad to move closer? Can you help him get a job and find a good group of clean roommates? Once he is stable, close by and away from ill family members then you can slowly offer longer and longer unsupervised time. In this way, work up to future weekends, but not this one.

 

There is a huge difference between visiting a child for 6 or 7 hours and caring for her every need (and behavioral issue) 24 hours a day for 3 days. It could be very overwhelming for bio-dad, not to mention unstable grandma. It needs to wait :grouphug:

 

 

I wish he could move closer but he is still hopelessly in love with my niece and she would just get her claws into him again if he moved back up here. (Bio-mom lives 30 min away from us) She just had a new baby in December (3 kids/3 dads/2 removed by the state at 23 yo :() and she still has custody of her as far as I know. They are still in contact with each other, but the distance keeps them apart. My niece is, lets just say 'not-a-great-person'. I also don't think he could financially live up here with the minimum wage job and child support. Any friends he used to have, would be connected to her, and that would just lead them back together.

 

If she is in the picture, I won't allow the visits to be unsupervised. I think she may try to steal dd3 and leave the country with her. This is one thing that the gma would be good for...I know she won't let bio-mom to get within 100feet of her. My neice can't cross state lines out of Oregon, so if they are in Washington, and she decided to cross over anyways, one phone call to the police and she is hauled away.

[Tap]

I think that 3 is too young to leave her unsupervised. She is not really old enough to "read" other people, such as when G-ma is going into one of her moods. If someone hits her due to frustration, she is not old enough to call you or even to tell you coherently what happened. I think it's honorable for you to want to have them spend more one-on-one time with her, but I think she is too young. Now in a couple of years . . .

jeri

 

 

I appreciate the reminder that while she can talk, she will only understand as a 3yo does.

[Tap]

I do not have a step family nor have I been involved in an adoption. I have, however, provided state provided respite for families and was appointed by the state as a person who supervised visits between child abusers and their children (I can't remember what the position was called). Honestly, I would pay your friend for the first weekend. Then I would slowly start to let the dad and his family have some unsupervised time with your/his little girl. You really want to be able to do this gradually where you can put supervision back without it being a big deal if they just are not able to handle it (not just because they might have problems but because of her difficult issues).

 

 

Thanks Jean. Isn't it crazy how simple visitations seem when you started your training and how complex they actually end up?! It always seemed so cut and dried to me until I started really understanding that many of the people who don't have custody (not due to divorce but removal by the state) have mental illness themselves even if it isn't diagnosed. I have known my niece all her life, but it wasn't until I started seeing her in the courts/out of court/in visitations/in private and heard her talk about events after the fact, that I witnessed myself, and the bazaar way that she recitated the events. I was never sure if it was just her lying, or if she really just never saw things like a typical person would. (Like thinking that her new bff, a convicted 'predatory' sex offender was a good person to bring into to her dds 1st birthday party because "he was her ride". :confused:)

[Tap]

I tried to touch on a few things that people commented on, but I didn't always mention that I really, really appreciate everyone's comments. It really helps me to mull something over, when people ask me questions and give me a moment to stop and think about different perspectives.

 

 

Thank you all so much for this,

 

~Tap

[Tap]

I applaud you for giving your older children a much needed reprieve from their younger sibling.

 

I think I would pay your friend. I admire this young man for doing all he does, but he's had SUPERVISED visits only, 6 hours or so at a time. I wouldn't want to give him more responsibility than he's capable of, and I definitely would worry about your daughter being over stimulated in that situation, which would cause her behaviors to escalate, which could cause the grandmother to escalate. I think overall YOU'D feel more peaceful with your daughter at your friend's place, and that would allow you to enjoy your family more.

 

 

Thanks for making the point about dd getting overstimulated. I know you understand this better than most. :willy_nilly:. The last time that dd stayed with my friend overnight, I had mentioned to the mom that she is the only person that I could leave dd3 with that I wouldn't worry about her with.at.all. DD3 is very, very much like her own teenage bio-dd. She is full of knowledge and skills to help her cope with our absence.

 

This is one thing that I can see being a problem for an inexperienced parent. He may think he can, Ha, ha, ha....wear her out.....lol. He would just wind her tight, and then he would be exhausted and not able to keep up any longer.

 

Dh and I were talking tonight about advantages/disadvantages of the two families and that was an important point we discussed.

Edited April 28, 2010 by Tap, tap, tap

[EthiopianFood]

Due to talks about this tonight, (I mentioned everyone's point of view here including yours) we are talking about taking a weekend at the coast (a town 2 hours North of him), and maybe paying for a second room at the same hotel. That way we would be accessible, but still have a break. We could go in with the intention of her staying at night with us and then make decisions to let her stay with him based on the successes of the day. We could have some meals together and maybe she can stay with him for the night if it works out.

 

I think this sounds like a WONDERFUL idea! :001_smile:

[Caribbean Queen]

I I may offer to put the money toward a hotel for the bio-father and his family to stay in town for the weekend. If they would pay 1/2, I could pay the remaining and they would get 3 days instead of 6hours.

 

 

I wonder if they have enough money to do it.

[Pippen]

Thanks for making the point about dd getting overstimulated. I know you understand this better than most. :willy_nilly:. The last time that dd stayed with my friend overnight, I had mentioned to the mom that she is the only person that I could leave dd3 with that I wouldn't worry about her with.at.all. DD3 is very, very much like her own teenage bio-dd. She is full of knowledge and skills to help her cope with our absence. .

 

There's your answer.

[Ottakee]

I know this is a big aside, but if 3dd is showing signs of the bipolar/mental illness that is found in the bio family, PLEASE try to get her into a TOP NOTCH pediatric psychiatrist for evaluation and treatment soon. The earlier this is treated, the easier it is to treat (still not easy) and it helps protect the brain from all of those terrible swings, etc.

 

We started seeing the psychiatrist before my daughter's 3rd birthday and started meds when she was 3. It has been a long, hard road but now as a young teen, her moods are stable (well, as stable as any young teen) and she is doing great.

 

Friends of ours adopted a little boy at 2 or 3 with severe issues and tried to get help but never got the right help (not their fault, they really tried) and things got worse and worse and worse. He was out of the home for a while due to extreme physical aggression against the mom, etc. In January he stepped in front of a semi and barely survived. Now he is in a rehab hopsital with severe injuries along with the mental illness piece. These doctors finally diagnosed the bipolar and put him on the CORRECT meds and the mom said he is the best he has been in over 10 years. He and his family suffered greatly for that many years due to missing diagnosis. I just don't want to see another family or child go through that.

[fivetails]

You should check into respite services ~ most people who have children with special needs do qualify for a certain number of respite hours per *whatever time period*

 

We are not eligible for free respite and if I need to pay for it....I have no problem hiring a friend who knows her. I have two that have offered help so I hope between the two, one may work out.

 

 

Our case is more complicated than most partially because we live in Washington, but her case is in Oregon. We have legal restrictions due to this that most people wouldn't have. We have no resources available to us except the TANF grant and Medicaid. She doesn't get the extra helps that children adopted out of foster care get. For fellow foster parents "she is non-IV-E eligible", which basically means she is not eligible for any federal funds that are set up to help children in foster care. Also, since we are family, there are fewer funding programs. Even when she was in our home as a foster child...we didn't get foster payments. The state of Oregon said "We expect family to take care of family. Your a half-great-aunt (1/32) so you should financially support her."

 

Okay, I'm in Canada and have no idea what TANF, Medicaid, none-IV-E, atc actually are... but I get that you're saying she doesn't qualify for certain sources of funding?

 

Glad you've got the friend who can do it for you. :)

 

Something that I don't think anyone has mentioned - YOU are this child's legal guardian, so YOU are responsible for her at all times... if you leave her in the care of her bio-father and [mentally ill] grandmother and *something* happens, then YOU can be held responsible because you left her in their care.

 

[i don't necessarily mean abuse - it could be getting lost in a mall, accidental injury, whatever... if authorities of any sort get involved, it could be ugly.]

[Dobela]

Respite services (known here as Medicaid Waver) are not dependant on IV-E status. They are a medicaid program based on other issues that have nothing to do with an adoption or guardian status. And, as an adoptive parent, I know that IV-E doesn't automatically qualify you for anything other than possibly a monthly subsidy (and that isn't even guaranteed). My dd is IV-E and we still have to go thru all the steps that all kids go thru to qualify for respite and such. I agree with

I know this is a big aside, but if 3dd is showing signs of the bipolar/mental illness that is found in the bio family, PLEASE try to get her into a TOP NOTCH pediatric psychiatrist for evaluation and treatment soon. The earlier this is treated, the easier it is to treat (still not easy) and it helps protect the brain from all of those terrible swings, etc.

If not for this, then to possibly rule out other developmental issues. A center that specializes in child development (early childhood special ed) can be a good place to start. Many children I worked with at that level qualified for respite based on disability or diagnosis alone, especially the FAS children.

 

Another benefit of early diagnosis that she may also begin qualifying for social security income (SSI). Yes, that is nice, but it is the part that seems to make qualifying for respite easier/faster (at least in our area). We have also learned that once SSI is qualified for, then a different type of medicaid is accessible that provides more benefits automatically. If you are concered that her problems may be life long, starting assistance now will also make it easier to transition into adult services at the appropriate time because need has long been established.

 

As you work this out :grouphug:

[Ottakee]

I agree with If not for this, then to possibly rule out other developmental issues. A center that specializes in child development (early childhood special ed) can be a good place to start. Many children I worked with at that level qualified for respite based on disability or diagnosis alone, especially the FAS children.

 

Another benefit of early diagnosis that she may also begin qualifying for social security income (SSI). Yes, that is nice, but it is the part that seems to make qualifying for respite easier/faster (at least in our area). We have also learned that once SSI is qualified for, then a different type of medicaid is accessible that provides more benefits automatically. If you are concered that her problems may be life long, starting assistance now will also make it easier to transition into adult services at the appropriate time because need has long been established.

 

As you work this out :grouphug:

 

This is a very good point as well. I know as homeschoolers it is nice to avoid the public system, etc. but for kids with special needs, these are often the ticket to getting them the services they need---therapy, respite, etc.

[Tap]

I know this is a big aside, but if 3dd is showing signs of the bipolar/mental illness that is found in the bio family, PLEASE try to get her into a TOP NOTCH pediatric psychiatrist for evaluation and treatment soon. The earlier this is treated, the easier it is to treat (still not easy) and it helps protect the brain from all of those terrible swings, etc.

 

We started seeing the psychiatrist before my daughter's 3rd birthday and started meds when she was 3. It has been a long, hard road but now as a young teen, her moods are stable (well, as stable as any young teen) and she is doing great.

 

Friends of ours adopted a little boy at 2 or 3 with severe issues and tried to get help but never got the right help (not their fault, they really tried) and things got worse and worse and worse. He was out of the home for a while due to extreme physical aggression against the mom, etc. In January he stepped in front of a semi and barely survived. Now he is in a rehab hopsital with severe injuries along with the mental illness piece. These doctors finally diagnosed the bipolar and put him on the CORRECT meds and the mom said he is the best he has been in over 10 years. He and his family suffered greatly for that many years due to missing diagnosis. I just don't want to see another family or child go through that.

 

We had her evaluated before she was 2yo by Early Intervention and while she didn't qualify through EI, were able to get her qualified for private pay(paid by insurance not the school district) OT and Behavior therapy. She has been in weekly OT for 18mths and we did 3mths of behavior therapy at that time. We 'graduated' out of behavior therapy at the time, knowing we would be revisiting BT as she matured and issues changed. We restarted BT this spring but the very, very knowledgeable therapist that we had in the beginning was on a work leave and the most experienced replacement wasn't skill enough to help us. We are getting approved for another therapist at a different center who has more experience.

 

I do believe we are at a place with her therapy, my research and the advice of other professionals who have encountered her to accept a trial of meds. I don't really like the idea of the process of finding the right combination, but right now she is just getting worse so we really need to step in.

[Dobela]

We had her evaluated before she was 2yo by Early Intervention and while she didn't qualify through EI, were able to get her qualified for private pay(paid by insurance not the school district) OT and Behavior therapy. She has been in weekly OT for 18mths and we did 3mths of behavior therapy at that time. We 'graduated' out of behavior therapy at the time, knowing we would be revisiting BT as she matured and issues changed. We restarted BT this spring but the very, very knowledgeable therapist that we had in the beginning was on a work leave and the most experienced replacement wasn't skill enough to help us. We are getting approved for another therapist at a different center who has more experience.

 

I do believe we are at a place with her therapy, my research and the advice of other professionals who have encountered her to accept a trial of meds. I don't really like the idea of the process of finding the right combination, but right now she is just getting worse so we really need to step in.

As a professional who at one time administered the evaluations necessary to qualify a child for early intervention, I say it is time to have her re-evaluated. At each age the skills considered age appropriate jumps considerably. A 3 yr old is required to do much more in all developmental areas than a 2 year old and scores are interpreted quite differently. In addition the evaluations change at that age. For a child with known biological issues (such as possible FAS) it is very important for annual evaluations in all areas, especially if you are having difficulties. We regularly had children not qualify at 2 suddenly qualify at 3 because of the increased requirements and the change in screening devices.

 

My dd is evaluated every year at the referral of her pedicatrician to catch anything early. The referral is always approved by medicaid based on the prenatal history and previous history. Granted we can only do the evals 1 year + 1 day apart according to regs. At first she qualified for no services. Then 2, then 1, then none. We expect her to qualify for at least PT this time. Her development is just so uneven across the board and it is assummed it is because of the prenatal exposures. It seems that without at least occassional intervention her development will stall or go off in some crazy way.

[Tap]

Respite services (known here as Medicaid Waver) are not dependant on IV-E status. They are a medicaid program based on other issues that have nothing to do with an adoption or guardian status. And, as an adoptive parent, I know that IV-E doesn't automatically qualify you for anything other than possibly a monthly subsidy (and that isn't even guaranteed). My dd is IV-E and we still have to go thru all the steps that all kids go thru to qualify for respite and such. I agree with If not for this, then to possibly rule out other developmental issues. A center that specializes in child development (early childhood special ed) can be a good place to start. Many children I worked with at that level qualified for respite based on disability or diagnosis alone, especially the FAS children.

 

Another benefit of early diagnosis that she may also begin qualifying for social security income (SSI). Yes, that is nice, but it is the part that seems to make qualifying for respite easier/faster (at least in our area). We have also learned that once SSI is qualified for, then a different type of medicaid is accessible that provides more benefits automatically. If you are concered that her problems may be life long, starting assistance now will also make it easier to transition into adult services at the appropriate time because need has long been established.

 

As you work this out :grouphug:

 

 

Are you saying there are respite workers available no matter what her foster status/guardianship status is? I know there are people I could privately pay, but then I may as well use a friend who she already knows. If you are saying there are possible respite opportunities that are paid for by the state, I have been told that due to the uniqueness of our situation, she doesn't qualify. If you know some other details or agency that we can go through, please let me know.

 

There are a lot of things that she doesn't qualify for. ie they have a new WA rule that says relative caregivers can get mileage reimbursements for certain things like drs visits etc. Although I am a relative caregiver by definition in WA, and have a full foster licence,we don't qualify because she is a ward of Oregon State not Washington State. WA says OR is responsible for all financial obligations as she is a ward of OR. Since she resides in WA, she doesn't, qualify in OR for any of Oregon's benefits. Another example is like my friends situation. My friend is the legal guardian of this girl. The foster system still supports them (not financially) for her needs due to mental health issues. The girl can take special classes, go to summer camps, and get specific therapies like equine therapy. We are not eligigle for anything except Medicaid and it's limited mental health program. We don't have a caseworker, advocate or any other person to help us navigate her care.

 

It has to do with how the state laws are worded and categories are defined. She just slips through to many cracks.

 

How did you get started on the SSI process? Did you hire a lawyer? I was just looking at that the other night and wondering where to start. I have heard it is best to start the process very young as it can take years for approval.

[Tap]

As a professional who at one time administered the evaluations necessary to qualify a child for early intervention, I say it is time to have her re-evaluated. At each age the skills considered age appropriate jumps considerably. A 3 yr old is required to do much more in all developmental areas than a 2 year old and scores are interpreted quite differently. In addition the evaluations change at that age. For a child with known biological issues (such as possible FAS) it is very important for annual evaluations in all areas, especially if you are having difficulties. We regularly had children not qualify at 2 suddenly qualify at 3 because of the increased requirements and the change in screening devices.

 

My dd is evaluated every year at the referral of her pediatrician to catch anything early. The referral is always approved by medicaid based on the prenatal history and previous history. Granted we can only do the evals 1 year + 1 day apart according to regs. At first she qualified for no services. Then 2, then 1, then none. We expect her to qualify for at least PT this time. Her development is just so uneven across the board and it is assummed it is because of the prenatal exposures. It seems that without at least occassional intervention her development will stall or go off in some crazy way.

 

I will ask her OT if she could benefit for reevaluation. She is very, very smart, agile and is quite precocious. Her therapist often comment on how she functions about a year ahead in most categories of development. She qualifies for OT due to sensory issues and BT due to violent outbursts. She doesn't need PT, Speech therapy, or any other common branch. The OT and I have talked about it some already because the OT is going on maternity leave in May, so I thought about putting her into a different type of therapy for the 3 months she will be out. We couldn't find a medical requirement that allowed her to qualify beyond what she already has.

[texasmama]

In my opinion, she is too young to go from a 6 hour supervised visit to a weekend visit. I think all visitations for now should be supervised by you or by a trusted person of your choosing. It is very important to continue to nurture the relationship between dd and her bio family (dad, grandma,e tc) and I admire you for doing so. I think it is fine to pay for 1/2 of a hotel room but I would have all visitation be supervised. It is also fine to expect the bio dad to come to you for visitation.

 

My professional background is in the area of foster care/adoption, fwiw.

[Laurie4b]

My commitment to the visitation is that I give up an entire day to supervise the visitation. I drive her to where ever they want to meet within 45minutes, and basically sit by myself as they play at the park. Sometimes the family members sit with me and chat. If we go to eat, we sit together. I also did 2 years of weekly visitations, which included my driving an hour, to spend an hour. I do feel like I have put in my time.

 

I spend 365 days a year taking care of his daughter, he can spend a couple of his to come to see her. He lived locally when this all started, he chose to move.

 

Sorry. I didn't mean to offend you. Your first post implied to me that you thought that he would have been a dedicated father and that with a better attorney, he, not you, would have been caring for her. It also seemed that you were sympathetic to that. You also said to be honest, which I was. I was responding to this:

"Almost a way to prove to her that he wants to be with her. (Silly, I know on my part, but that is how I feel.)"

 

You call it "silly". I wouldn't label it that way, but there is something about it that doesn't quite make sense. The financial sacrifices he is making proportionate to his income "prove" a lot, but I'm guessing there is more to this. I didn't catch in your first post that he had moved and maybe that is the issue for you. I thought that she moved in with you perhaps away from the community in which she was born. If the issue is "proving" then I'd say he's been "proving." Now that doesn't mean that he's capable of taking care of her as you are. And having been a foster parent of a very difficult child, I totally understand that you can really be gasping for air for respite and maybe my words that I thought the visitation should go both ways struck a nerve because of the daily pressure on you or maybe because he moved or maybe something else.

 

Again, I didn't intend to offend. But you also indicated you wanted honesty and would put on rhino skin. I was honest with my perspective that I think it would be good for you to sometimes take her for a visit to facilitate a relationship that you seem to think is good for her when you yourself called your reasons for not doing so "silly, " whatever you meant by that.

Edited April 28, 2010 by Laurie4b

[mycalling]

Due to talks about this tonight, (I mentioned everyone's point of view here including yours) we are talking about taking a weekend at the coast (a town 2 hours North of him), and maybe paying for a second room at the same hotel. That way we would be accessible, but still have a break. We could go in with the intention of her staying at night with us and then make decisions to let her stay with him based on the successes of the day. We could have some meals together and maybe she can stay with him for the night if it works out.

This sounds like the perfect compromise! You two are truly thinking in the best interests of your DD.

When she was about 2yo she was almost returned to the bio-parents (they were together at the time-the are not now) and they did have a few unsupervised visits.

It sounds like he's not completely clueless about your DD's issues.

 

I wish people would take into account that this bio dad did NOT earn losing his daughter like the bio mom did. In a twist of fate, this could have happened to any of our husbands, but that wouldn't have made them incapable or unworthy to take care of their children!

[Tap]

Sorry. I didn't mean to offend you. Your first post implied to me that you thought that he would have been a dedicated father and that with a better attorney, he, not you, would have been caring for her. It also seemed that you were sympathetic to that. You also said to be honest, which I was. I was responding to this:

"Almost a way to prove to her that he wants to be with her. (Silly, I know on my part, but that is how I feel.)"

 

You call it "silly". I wouldn't label it that way, but there is something about it that doesn't quite make sense. The financial sacrifices he is making proportionate to his income "prove" a lot, but I'm guessing there is more to this. I didn't catch in your first post that he had moved and maybe that is the issue for you. I thought that she moved in with you perhaps away from the community in which she was born. If the issue is "proving" then I'd say he's been "proving." Now that doesn't mean that he's capable of taking care of her as you are. And having been a foster parent of a very difficult child, I totally understand that you can really be gasping for air for respite and maybe my words that I thought the visitation should go both ways struck a nerve because of the daily pressure on you or maybe because he moved or maybe something else.

 

Again, I didn't intend to offend. But you also indicated you wanted honesty and would put on rhino skin. I was honest with my perspective that I think it would be good for you to sometimes take her for a visit to facilitate a relationship that you seem to think is good for her when you yourself called your reasons for not doing so "silly, " whatever you meant by that.

 

Oh, sorry it was just the way I worded my post, I wasn't meaning to sound defensive or snaky. I wasn't offended at all. I responded late last night, and I was just being direct with my response back to you. Please don't read it with sarcasm, I wish you could hear the tone of my voice when I read what I wrote, I promise it is a kind tone. :001_smile:

That is one problem with message boards. I don't have a great written voice sometimes, especially when I am deep in thought or tired.

 

The other problem is that obviously, there is much more to any one story than what is typed into a few paragraphs.

 

I do personally feel silly for my own self. I feel silly that I want him to make some serious effort to spend time with her. He is her bio-father, he should be raising her. He did nothing wrong (the events that started this whole thing were all on my niece) BUT he also did nothing right. He could have left my niece after she had the baby and taken the baby. He could have been the custodial parent and still dated my niece. He chose the mother over the baby. There we several opportunities that he had the chance to get more secure financially to help his position of getting the baby back. ie When they were still trying to get custody...I once asked if he had the opportunity for OT at work to help build a savings account and to secured daycare etc. He told me that he could have as much OT as he wanted but that he already worked 4 days a week and he deserved the weekends off. He finally got mad at my niece and they broke up. His name was on the lease. He left the apartment, breaking his lease. He quit his job with no notice/no contact-he just didn't go back. He moved 5 hours away from her. Had he got a restraining order against my niece, keep his apartment and job... he would have had permanent custody in a matter of weeks. He didn't want to go through the motions to do that. So, he moved home (5 hours away) and in with his mom who had drug convictions. No job in a seasonal ghost town (he could have transferred there with his employer but no-showed/quit instead) AND completely penniless. After he was there for a few weeks, I talked to him and asked if he found work yet. He said no " that he deserved a vacation so he was going to take a few more weeks off." He only had 2 months until the final court day and he had to have his ducks in a row by then....and he took a month long vacation. :confused: His decisions were just immature, and had much bigger consequences that he really imagined. I once asked him if he had tried any job placement agencies and he told me that he wanted to "do it on his own". I would think somebody scrambling to find work, who only has 2 moths to get his daughter back or loose her forever, would do what ever they could to get her back. He just didn't. He took a full year to get a job passing up some opprotunities like pumping gas because he didn't want to do it.

 

I can fill pages with stories like these that show, while he hasn't done anything wrong.... but he hasn't done anything right either. That is why I feel like I want him to make the effort. His history has always been to just let everything happen around him.

 

When we do a visitation, he is a great, doting dad. The instinct is there, but he just doesn't have the maturity. He adores her and you can see that she, him. There is such a connection between them even with little contact, it is amazing to see. I wouldn't be concerned about her phyical care with him. I have spent many, many hours with them together and I know he has great instinct and watches her very closely. I do consider him a very safe person for her (or anyones child) to be around. He is more like a big teenager that is a great babysitter, but not ready to be a single parent. I do suspect that if he was given the chance to raise her, he may have had to grow up a bit, becoming less self centered and more responsible. Raising kids has a way of doing that to some people. :lol:

[texasmama]

You seem to have a wonderful grasp of the finer points of this situation and are doing an excellent job of balancing everyone's needs. :grouphug:

[Liz CA]

2 things came to mind reading your post:

 

1. If you want bio Dad to come more often and possibly w/o his mother, take some of the money you have saved to arrange a rental car for him, if it is enough, perhaps even one night in a hotel room, so he has more time with his daughter.

 

2. I would start out by letting your friend take dd for a weekend. If you arrange for bio-Dad to come more often and you are absolutely certain he is able to have her unsupervised for a couple of days, you can then arrange your next weekend "out" in such a way that he can come to town and take dd while you and the rest of your family take a mini vacation. I don't know if you trust him enough to let him stay at your house or if you would want him to take dd to the hotel room but this could all be worked out.

 

This is a most interesting arrangement by the state of Oregon. Hats off to you for taking on this awesome responsibility to raise this girl and provide a safe home for her!