s/o mom I know is missing -- bizarre turn of events

[Nicole M]

His car is likely now undergoing forensics testing -- if there is blood or whatever, it will be found. If there was a struggle, there will perhaps be evidence of that in his car. The newspaper said there will not be another news conference till tomorrow morning. By then, they will perhaps have the results of some of the testing being done to the vehicle now. The 'oh, my' was written in reaction to that.

 

And the other part of your post made me think of the Natalee Holloway case. Those first few days when her mom arrived in Aruba, the news made it sound as if she was going to be found any minute. How heartbreaking for families of victims who never have closure of any kind.

 

I didn't think about that. Yes, you're right. "Oh, my," is in order.

 

And how awful for that mother and the family.

[MariannNOVA]

 

I didn't think about that. Yes, you're right. "Oh, my," is in order.

 

And how awful for that mother and the family.

 

I should have been more clear. sorry.

 

One thinks of these families and how they are waiting for news.......but they are waiting for good news, you know.

[MariannNOVA]

I don't know about most, but many people do lead lives of quiet desperation, and one of the ways I cope is to assume that the vast majority of people are doing the BEST THEY CAN, no matter how flawed it seems.

 

QUOTE]

 

This is why I said we can't know what happens inside other marriages. Quiet desperation is no way to live. A part of me feels like there must be a way to extract yourself from a situation like you described with some kind of integrity,

 

:iagree:

 

but in my experience, it does not happen often.

And, sadly, I must agree again.

[lisamarie]

The fact that he lives down the street and she works down the street from the convenience store means that the fact they were both in the store at the same time could be purely circumstantial. I run into many of the same people when going to any local store around my house. Does that immediately mean I'm having an affair? I sure hope not. And the fact that her car was full of shopping bags also makes me suspicious. Why the heck would she go shopping for her baby if she had plans to run off with a guy and never see her baby again? It just doesn't add up.

[Alicia64]

If I were the police, I'd wonder where the German Shepherd dog is.

 

From the newspaper articles, he seems very attached to his dog (having him ride in the front seat of the VW).

 

is the dog missing too?

 

It's just a thin thread that I'd pull at.

 

Alley

[MariannNOVA]

The fact that he lives down the street and she works down the street from the convenience store means that the fact they were both in the store at the same time could be purely circumstantial. I run into many of the same people when going to any local store around my house. Does that immediately mean I'm having an affair? I sure hope not. And the fact that her car was full of shopping bags also makes me suspicious. Why the heck would she go shopping for her baby if she had plans to run off with a guy and never see her baby again? It just doesn't add up.

 

Yes, I agree with you. Someone here said that they don't think she left her family willingly -- I think that is what those of us who fear the worst (but are hoping for the best) are also thinking.

 

It doesn't add up -- I also thought of the baby clothes, and her car was found where she said she would be. And, yes, I run into the same folks depending on what my routine is - when I taught school, I ran into the same folks at the same Stbx every morning. I run into the same people during the one hour that ds is at guitar lesson and I run from shop to shop taking care of errands - doesn't mean a thing, I totally agree.

 

I also think (and forgive me for repeating myself) that the fact that she had not ever mentioned this individual to her family or friends, well, perhaps he IS merely someone she stood next to in line when she was getting coffee. Totally agree that it could have been an acquaintance who was not on her radar - the scary part, though, is if she was on his, kwim?

[littlebug42]

The fact that he lives down the street and she works down the street from the convenience store means that the fact they were both in the store at the same time could be purely circumstantial. I run into many of the same people when going to any local store around my house. Does that immediately mean I'm having an affair? I sure hope not. And the fact that her car was full of shopping bags also makes me suspicious. Why the heck would she go shopping for her baby if she had plans to run off with a guy and never see her baby again? It just doesn't add up.

 

 

I am holding out all hope and giving her the benefit of the doubt. However in the surveillance picture, they are standing very close together. I have never stood that close to a random person at a convenience store in my life even if I have seen them there many times. I agree that so much doesn't add up but those surveillance pictures are the most troubling for me.

[littlebug42]

 

It doesn't add up -- I also thought of the baby clothes, and her car was found where she said she would be. And, yes, I run into the same folks depending on what my routine is - when I taught school, I ran into the same folks at the same Stbx every morning. I run into the same people during the one hour that ds is at guitar lesson and I run from shop to shop taking care of errands - doesn't mean a thing, I totally agree.

 

 

 

Her car was actually not really where she said she would be. That park is several blocks down the street from where she would have needed to be. The Greene shopping center is immediately across the street from where she said she was going to the consignment sale. She went out of her way to be in that park for whatever reason.

[MariannNOVA]

The fact that he lives down the street and she works down the street from the convenience store means that the fact they were both in the store at the same time could be purely circumstantial. I run into many of the same people when going to any local store around my house. Does that immediately mean I'm having an affair? I sure hope not. And the fact that her car was full of shopping bags also makes me suspicious. Why the heck would she go shopping for her baby if she had plans to run off with a guy and never see her baby again? It just doesn't add up.

 

:w00t: Could I have anything else to do? Yes, but who cares...........anyway,

 

 

the part in your post that I've bolded is your perspective, right? I agree - it doesn't make sense, and certainly points to foul play.

 

My post earlier: - his car is being run through forensic tests - blood, hairs, struggle; the authorities either will or will not make known the results of those tests at the news conference they say they will conduct tomorrow a.m. At most, they will likely (after speaking with her family) give some clue as to whether or not they suspect foul play. With the FBI involved, there are also checks being made now for similar disappearances and the past whereabouts of whatever his name is and the woman who says she is his wife are now being examined.

 

 

[MariannNOVA]

Her car was actually not really where she said she would be. That park is several blocks down the street from where she would have needed to be. The Greene shopping center is immediately across the street from where she said she was going to the consignment sale. She went out of her way to be in that park for whatever reason.

 

I had missed that, and I don't know the area - thanks for pointing that out to me.

 

Yes, in the photos they appear to be standing close. They may have been speaking to each other, that might be why they were standing that close to each other.

 

I still say that he may have been no more than an acquaintance to her - someone not really on her radar except when they would bump into each other at that convenience store.....and who is to say that he wasn't monitoring her moves and showing up when she did? She's young, Church-going, her dad is a Pastor (accustomed to meeting folks and able to carry on a conversation with someone she doesn't know that well), obviously very personable and well-liked if you read what her supervisor says. So this guy is a psycho, and she is innocent, and none of the meetings are an accident as far as he is concerned, but she doesn't know any better.

 

We don't know that he wasn't following her on Saturday, and 'bumped' into her accidentally.

 

She has a family, she has a job, she has roots, she has folks around her who care about her and who know her. WHO is this guy and where did he come from?

[RoughCollie]

"Police now believe Hutcherson and Tehan are traveling in another vehicle, Doherty said, declining to elaborate. "

 

http://www.daytondailynews.com/news/dayton-news/auto-owned-by-hutcherson-found-665890.html

 

But a Websleuths' poster said that the direct comment by police on t.v. was less direct: If they were together and if they were traveling, then police believe they are in another vehicle.

Edited April 22, 2010 by RoughCollie

[littlebug42]

The police will give a press conference in the morning at 10:30 to "give more concrete details" according to the news. The car is in custody after being found at a car lot. The police at this point are being pretty vague with the media, I would imagine until they can get a better search of the car.

The news reported a possible sighting this evening in the North Dayton vicinity but nothing has come of it. They are looking into several hotels in the vicinity of the sighting.

[unsinkable]

I still hope she ran away with him on her own volition. As bad as that is, she would still be alive to redeem herself, make amends, repair her life.

[RoughCollie]

She was found safe in Miami Beach.

 

http://www.daytondailynews.com/news/dayton-news/missing-mom-found-safe-police-say-666551.html

 

"The Xenia Police Department has located Tiffany Tehan and Tre Hutcherson in the Miami Beach, Fla., area.

 

"Tiffany is safe and has now been in contact with her family. She is no longer considered a possibly endangered missing," a police statement read.

 

The police department will hold a press conference as previously scheduled at 10:30 AM this morning near the city building on E. Market St. We will accept questions at that time. We appreciate everyone’s cooperation in this matter. "

Edited April 22, 2010 by RoughCollie

[Renthead Mommy]

I'm betting they've been having a thing. Or flirting with the idea.

 

Maybe she's under a lot of pressure with family, kid, being a minister's kid, what everyone 'expects of her'. It's building up. They met or plan to meet. She gets a flat tire and that is just the final straw. That's the one that makes her hate her life at that moment.

 

He shows up. He's all fun, but no responsiblity, which make him look even better! He's had a crappy day. Probably fighting with his wife, and lousy day at work. They meet up. Compare their lives at the moment. Decide to dump it all and just take off. No more pressure, no more responisblity, just fun and crazy sex or something. So they go.

 

People hit a point sometimes. They can't see past that moment, and that moment just sucks. So they change that moment, with no thought to the future.

 

That would be my guess as to how she could just walk away from her baby and family. She'd had it that day.

 

Different people handle it differently. Yesterday my kid had been hit upside the head with the stupid stick. After dinner, I left. Barnes and Noble, coffee and thoughts of public school. PS was the dream, the good life, coffee with friends, shopping at the far, but great grocery store, working out at the gym, pedicures. But I could see the otherside of that day. Some people can't. And maybe one of these days I may snap too. He'll be in public school and I'll be back to getting pedicures. (But I probably won't run off with the guy from the Wa Wa!)

[Crimson Wife]

People hit a point sometimes. They can't see past that moment, and that moment just sucks. So they change that moment, with no thought to the future.

 

That would be my guess as to how she could just walk away from her baby and family. She'd had it that day.

 

But not to leave a note or anything? How long does it take to scribble down "sorry, but I need a break" or whatever? How can somebody be so selfish as to not even do that? :confused:

[Nicole M]

We just don't know what's happening inside other people's marriages. Maybe the husband, for all those lovely images of him with their baby, is actually a total jerk. Who knows?

 

I personally have a hard time when people say they're not having any marital problems (as this husband did) and then something like this happens. I have very little sympathy for the partner who is betrayed. Maybe it is a character flaw of mine, but if someone's spouse is quietly suffering, and you are totally unaware and shocked when s/he leaves or does something drastic, then, I'm sorry, but yes, you had marital problems.

 

I'm not justifying her behavior, though I realize it sounds like I am. I think it's awful, and all the families will be dealing with the repercussions of this for, perhaps, the rest of their lives. It was a stupid, thoughtless, selfish thing to do. But I can be stupid and thoughtless, and have been desperate. It's unfortunate that she did not find a way to make a break with a little more integrity.

[MariannNOVA]

But not to leave a note or anything? How long does it take to scribble down "sorry, but I need a break" or whatever? How can somebody be so selfish as to not even do that? :confused:

 

:iagree::iagree:A note, a text, a quick phone call.......one wants to escape forever or for five minutes, whatever...........TWO WORDS: I'M OKAY. Anything.

 

And, this 'situation' is NOT the problem, but a symptom of a problem that obviously no one knew about, or no one acknowledged. Someone here said it best: no one knows what goes on in the life of others.

 

One comment: on one of the newspaper websites from Dayton, there is a photo of the young woman in her hospital bed holding her newborn infant. Her air is much longer, and she looks SO VERY YOUNG. She looks totally different than she does in the photos that have been all over the internet. I was struck by how young she looked. Who knows what kind of stress, whatever she has been under and for what amount of time?

 

But, that being said, the fact that she has not let anyone know that she is okay, points to a more serious issue here.

 

So relieved she is okay; - just :confused:.....but that's not unusual.

[MariannNOVA]

We just don't know what's happening inside other people's marriages. Maybe the husband, for all those lovely images of him with their baby, is actually a total jerk. Who knows?

 

I personally have a hard time when people say they're not having any marital problems (as this husband did) and then something like this happens. I have very little sympathy for the partner who is betrayed. Maybe it is a character flaw of mine, but if someone's spouse is quietly suffering, and you are totally unaware and shocked when s/he leaves or does something drastic, then, I'm sorry, but yes, you had marital problems.

 

I'm not justifying her behavior, though I realize it sounds like I am. I think it's awful, and all the families will be dealing with the repercussions of this for, perhaps, the rest of their lives. It was a stupid, thoughtless, selfish thing to do. But I can be stupid and thoughtless, and have been desperate. It's unfortunate that she did not find a way to make a break with a little more integrity.

 

I have to agree here, too. I repeat what I said in my other post - she is very young - maybe led a sheltered life, was feeling the pressure, I don't know.......I'm glad she is safe....

[Nicole M]

:iagree::iagree:A note, a text, a quick phone call.......one wants to escape forever or for five minutes, whatever...........TWO WORDS: I'M OKAY. Anything.

 

And, this 'situation' is NOT the problem, but a symptom of a problem that obviously no one knew about, or no one acknowledged. Someone here said it best: no one knows what goes on in the life of others.

 

One comment: on one of the newspaper websites from Dayton, there is a photo of the young woman in her hospital bed holding her newborn infant. Her air is much longer, and she looks SO VERY YOUNG. She looks totally different than she does in the photos that have been all over the internet. I was struck by how young she looked. Who knows what kind of stress, whatever she has been under and for what amount of time?

 

But, that being said, the fact that she has not let anyone know that she is okay, points to a more serious issue here.

 

So relieved she is okay; - just :confused:.....but that's not unusual.

 

Yes, this is what I meant to say, right down to the newborn picture. My other comments were more harsh, but this is what I was getting at. There is a serious problem here, and that is very sad.

[MariannNOVA]

Yes, this is what I meant to say, right down to the newborn picture. My other comments were more harsh, but this is what I was getting at. There is a serious problem here, and that is very sad.

 

 

I definitely agree with you. Her actions/decisions are indicative of a problem.:iagree:

[gingersmom]

I was glad to hear on the news this morning she had been found.

 

I had no doubt that she left on her own.

 

I know a mother whose kids were 4 6, 8 when she walked out and left her husband and kids for a man she met in Florida (via the internet).

 

She was a SAHM, lived down the street from her parents, devoted Mom.

 

Had very little contact with her family/kids for years.

[MariannNOVA]

I was glad to hear on the news this morning she had been found.

 

I had no doubt that she left on her own.

 

I know a mother whose kids were 4 6, 8 when she walked out and left her husband and kids for a man she met in Florida (via the internet).

 

She was a SAHM, lived down the street from her parents, devoted Mom.

 

Had very little contact with her family/kids for years.

 

Not to hijack my own thread, but off the top of my head, I can name three, no wait, four women who I know or know of who have done that.....wait, no five women.......and two of them ran off with other women.

[SquirrellyMama]

Not to hijack my own thread, but off the top of my head, I can name three, no wait, four women who I know or know of who have done that.....wait, no five women.......and two of them ran off with other women.

 

 

I don't know anyone who has ever done this. I probably know a lot who have thought about it but I don't know a mom who has left not only dh but also kids.

 

Kelly

[MariannNOVA]

I don't know anyone who has ever done this. I probably know a lot who have thought about it but I don't know a mom who has left not only dh but also kids.

 

Kelly

 

 

FWIW, all five of them were from NJ -- have never heard of it here in NoVa - but everyone here is always stuck sitting in traffic so 'running away' isn't going to happen.:lol:

[RoughCollie]

"Tiffany Tehan told Miami Beach detectives that she left Ohio voluntarily “with the intent of starting a new life,†according to police.

 

Acting on information received from Xenia police, Miami Beach detectives stopped a vehicle with Hutcherson and Tehan inside on Wednesday night, April 21, Miami Beach Sgt. Wayne Jones said Thursday.

 

The two had been staying at the International Inn hotel and were apparently returning to the hotel when police found them, Jones said."

 

http://www.daytondailynews.com/news/dayton-news/missing-xenia-mom-found-safe-police-say-666551.html?cxntlid=cmg_cntnt_rss

[mommaduck]

Her poor child.

[Pink Fairy]

Does anyone know if she was aware of the hoopla surrounding her disappearance, and that the police were spending time looking for her?

[MariannNOVA]

"Tiffany Tehan told Miami Beach detectives that she left Ohio voluntarily “with the intent of starting a new life,†according to police.

 

Acting on information received from Xenia police, Miami Beach detectives stopped a vehicle with Hutcherson and Tehan inside on Wednesday night, April 21, Miami Beach Sgt. Wayne Jones said Thursday.

 

The two had been staying at the International Inn hotel and were apparently returning to the hotel when police found them, Jones said."

 

http://www.daytondailynews.com/news/dayton-news/missing-xenia-mom-found-safe-police-say-666551.html?cxntlid=cmg_cntnt_rss

 

Once more: WOW! And, just to beat this dead horse a little deader (? word) -- take a look at the photo of the young woman a year ago in her hospital right after giving birth. Look at the photo of her we have all seen this week. She looks totally different -- she looks SO young in the earlier photo, and a year later, looks like she has taken on a different persona. I just find it interesting. I will try to find the photo and post it below.

 

[Tangerine]

Ever notice NOBODY is the type to just get up and leave? Seriously. I've never heard a missing person's case where they're like...."Well, yeah. She's kind of the type to just leave." What type is it they're looking for?

[RoughCollie]

Does anyone know if she was aware of the hoopla surrounding her disappearance, and that the police were spending time looking for her?

 

I don't see how she could not have been aware of that. It doesn't take two brain cells to figure it out, even if she never switched on the television in her hotel rooms.

 

I wonder if her parents and husband knew she had left on her own all along. I thought something was fishy when her mother said something along the lines of "this has gone on long enough". Plus every family member who spoke to the media seemed so wooden, too stoic -- no emotion. I think they knew.

 

It is possible that they wanted her back so badly that they either didn't tell law enforcement or just in case the family was wrong, the cops didn't spill the beans.

 

This has been a huge waste of law enforcement resources and money. They spent all that time looking for her simply because she couldn't put on her Big Girl Panties and let her family know she was okay.

[Pink Fairy]

I think there are plenty of the type to just get up and leave. You don't hear about them because people aren't shocked when they disappear. I have relatives who are like this. My guess is that it's usually related to mental illness and/or addiction.

[RoughCollie]

Ever notice NOBODY is the type to just get up and leave? Seriously. I've never heard a missing person's case where they're like...."Well, yeah. She's kind of the type to just leave." What type is it they're looking for?

 

Yeah, kind of like nobody is the type to be a murderer or a s*x offender.

 

Sociopaths are really good at hiding their dark side.

 

Not that this woman is a sociopath.

[MariannNOVA]

Ever notice NOBODY is the type to just get up and leave? Seriously. I've never heard a missing person's case where they're like...."Well, yeah. She's kind of the type to just leave." What type is it they're looking for?

 

Well, actually, of the five women that I know or know of who 'up and left,' yes, one of them did not surprise me (or anyone other than her husband) at all.

 

Her type? Difficult life, pushed around alot, lived on the streets. Began attending a church (she had a little girl who was about a year old), made friends, a support system developed around her. She married a very, very nice guy - and I've known him for years - he is a nice guy -- probably TOO nice. Anyway, they had two children together, his family was well to do, they bought a house, and she was 'living the dream' so to speak. One day, she is GONE! She has taken the children and run off to Oklahoma to live with someone she met on the internet. Her husband goes to Ok. in an attempt to bring her and the kids back (or at least his kids) but he returns alone. That was about 5 years ago - she and the kids are still in Ok.

 

No one was surprised - still no one is surprised. Lots of people still worry about the kids.

[Jean in Newcastle]

One of my good friends ended up raising herself and her 4 siblings because one day her mom just left. They still had a dad but he was working long hours to take care of the five kids. My friend, the oldest, had to take the mommy role from the time she was 12. Her mom is now back in her life - 30 years later. She realizes that she can't rely on her mom for anything. I've been amazed at how "non bitter" my friend is. I don't think I could be so forgiving. Yes, I can see that having 5 kids and husband working long hours would be tough but the mom leaving that way was so selfish. The husband still had to work long hours - it was the only way to put food on the table (he wasn't a workaholic for fun or anything). And someone had to wash the dishes, clothes, vacuum etc. and that all fell to her older kids.

 

Most states (perhaps all?) have no-fault divorce. If she is that fed up, she should tell her husband that she wants a divorce. If she doesn't want the children, tell him he gets custody. Sure, this way isn't as exciting or quick, but it's the right way to go about it. No matter how young you are.

[Nicole M]

Most states (perhaps all?) have no-fault divorce. If she is that fed up, she should tell her husband that she wants a divorce. If she doesn't want the children, tell him he gets custody. Sure, this way isn't as exciting or quick, but it's the right way to go about it. No matter how young you are.

 

Right. This would be the right way to go about it. But in her family culture, perhaps this simply did not seem an option. All those ties to her job, her family, her church, may have seemed too crippling, too strong, to be able to get out easily.

 

Honestly, she just seems not very bright to me. If you're going to "start a new life," creating a media stir is not the way to do it. She can't possibly have thought that her husband wouldn't look for her. Either she is very stupid or has some kind of disorder.

[mommaduck]

Right. This would be the right way to go about it. But in her family culture, perhaps this simply did not seem an option. All those ties to her job, her family, her church, may have seemed too crippling, too strong, to be able to get out easily.

 

Honestly, she just seems not very bright to me. If you're going to "start a new life," creating a media stir is not the way to do it. She can't possibly have thought that her husband wouldn't look for her. Either she is very stupid or has some kind of disorder.

Or very, very naive.

[angela in ohio]

My cousin's wife left for a man she met on the internet when he (cousin) was out to sea. She left their child with the neighbor and never came back. The little girl went to live with grandma for a while, but then cousin remarried and has her back. It was bizarre. I had tow little ones at the time, and I had to admit that just running away from it all was appealing on bad days, but there is something in a mom that stops you from doing it. I guess some people are missing that something. :confused:

 

I actually feel bad for the young woman in this story. It sounds like some man sweet talked her during a bad time in her life. No decent man would go off with a woman and let her leave her child behind. The first few years of marriage and motherhood are hard, expecially if you are young (I know,) and those who really care encourage you, they don't run off with you.

[gingersmom]

FWIW, all five of them were from NJ -- have never heard of it here in NoVa - but everyone here is always stuck sitting in traffic so 'running away' isn't going to happen.:lol:

 

I don't know anyone from New Jersey who has done this.

 

The person I was referring to was from New York.

[Nicole M]

Or very, very naive.

 

Yes, which is possible if she's led a very sheltered life.

 

And thinking more about this, I can remember many times when unhappy marriages have been discussed on this board when the consensus seems to have been that, especially for a woman, even when her husband denies her all forms of physical intimacy, divorce is simply not an option. (Though when the opposite is the case, when the woman denies intimacy, we on this board have seemed to think that divorce is in order. I have found that very distressing.) So it seems entirely plausible to me that she could have been extraordinarily unhappy, but living in a world where she saw no "out."

 

I don't usually get caught up in news stories, but for some reason, this one got me.

[Nicole M]

The first few years of marriage and motherhood are hard, expecially if you are young (I know,) and those who really care encourage you, they don't run off with you.

 

I think they'd been married eight years, which, in my mind, is past the hard beginning part. Perhaps they had the baby to save a failing marriage.

[littlebug42]

We all search for answers to try to understand it but I just don't think there is understanding for it. If your life sucks, you do something about it. You don't leave your entire family for days to think that you are abducted, killed etc. so you can "start a new life" and leaving your child behind like that is just unforgivable. My mother was treated horribly by my father. He beat her constantly, pulled guns on her and threatened to kill her regularly. She got out but she did not leave her children behind. Nothing could have persuaded her to do that.

 

For those of us in the Dayton area, it hits too close to home for another reason. 11 years ago, a 9 year old child disappeared from that same area of town never to be seen again. It is still a very raw wound for this area and I know many people revisited that tragedy in the wake of Tiffany Tehan's disappearance.

[MariannNOVA]

I don't know anyone from New Jersey who has done this.

 

The person I was referring to was from New York.

 

 

I should have beem more clear -- I was not poking fun at NJ - I was born and raised in NJ - spent most of my life there which is how I would have heard of these instances involving women who lived in the town where I lived at those times - except for two of them, the others were moms of classmates of my daughters - classmates in an expensive private school.

[LizzyBee]

Ever notice NOBODY is the type to just get up and leave? Seriously. I've never heard a missing person's case where they're like...."Well, yeah. She's kind of the type to just leave." What type is it they're looking for?

 

My xh's mother did. The kids were in school and had no idea. If someone's "the type" to leave and does leave, they're not going to get any media attention.

[MariannNOVA]

So it seems entirely plausible to me that she could have been extraordinarily unhappy, but living in a world where she saw no "out."

 

I don't usually get caught up in news stories, but for some reason, this one got me.

 

:iagree: You know, sometimes one can go to their mom three days before the big, splashy wedding and say: 'I don't want to marry him. I want everything called off.' And mom's response is: 'Too bad. There's a size 2 wedding dress that cost a ton of money and it fits YOU, and there's going to be a wedding.'

 

Statements like that don't happen in a vacuum - those statements are a pattern of the type of environment in which I was raised. And, my parents HATED the guy - it wasn't that he was some great catch or anything. So, the wedding took place.

 

It took me 16 years of living a hellish existence to finally have it become clear to me that I had the same avenues of OUT available to me that everyone else in the world did. So I took one -- appropriately, in a dignified way, with my children, -- but I can see that one would find themselves in a situation where they truly believe they have no out.

 

FWIW, to each of my daughters, before their weddings, I have sincerely offered them the OUT -- it has kind of become a family 'thing' - :glare: - but I believe the out should be offered...my sister offered it to me literally minutes b4 I married DH - WHAT WAS SHE THINKING? :D

 

Anyway, there are many of us who were incredibly and unbelievably 'compliant' at somne point or when we were younger.....believing that if we just did what we were told - because after all THAT was the right thing to do - it would all turn out okay.

[LizzyBee]

:iagree: You know, sometimes one can go to their mom three days before the big, splashy wedding and say: 'I don't want to marry him. I want everything called off.' And mom's response is: 'Too bad. There's a size 2 wedding dress that cost a ton of money and it fits YOU, and there's going to be a wedding.'

 

Statements like that don't happen in a vacuum - those statements are a pattern of the type of environment in which I was raised. And, my parents HATED the guy - it wasn't that he was some great catch or anything. So, the wedding took place.

 

It took me 16 years of living a hellish existence to finally have it become clear to me that I had the same avenues of OUT available to me that everyone else in the world did. So I took one -- appropriately, in a dignified way, with my children, -- but I can see that one would find themselves in a situation where they truly believe they have no out.

 

FWIW, to each of my daughters, before their weddings, I have sincerely offered them the OUT -- it has kind of become a family 'thing' - :glare: - but I believe the out should be offered...my sister offered it to me literally minutes b4 I married DH - WHAT WAS SHE THINKING? :D

 

Anyway, there are many of us who were incredibly and unbelievably 'compliant' at somne point or when we were younger.....believing that if we just did what we were told - because after all THAT was the right thing to do - it would all turn out okay.

 

My mom heaped a lot of guilt on my oldest sister for backing out of her first engagement. Thank goodness my sister stood up to her.

 

Then she heaped a lot of guilt on my third sister for leaving her xh who used to beat the crap out of her, use drugs, and spend the night away from home, not making a secret of the fact that he was cheating on her.

 

I was getting divorced at the same time from my lying cheating xh, but I lived overseas and this was before cell phones and email. By the time I moved stateside, the divorce was done, so my mom didn't say much about it.

 

After my sister's xh threatened to burn down my parent's house, mom didn't have a whole lot more to say to her on the subject, either. :tongue_smilie:

[MariannNOVA]

After my sister's xh threatened to burn down my parent's house, mom didn't have a whole lot more to say to her on the subject, either. :tongue_smilie:

 

 

Thank you for sharing that --really. :tongue_smilie:

 

I must add this: for YEARS, I watched as some of the daughters of my parents friends left their husbands - one young woman, in fact, who had been married 4 weeks before I was, was already separated by their first Christmas - 5 months later. And it was okay with the parents, they were supportive and stood by her, and she did divorce him, annulled the marriage as well, I think, and started a new life. And her parents shared the DETAILS with everyone - as if to exonerate their daughter. I watched and listened and KNEW beyond the shadow of a doubt that the person I was married to would have to be 100X more evil than that other guy for my parents to be okay with it. (Turns out he was sadly). When it no longer mattered to me what my mom thought (my dad was the softie and he had passed away), I took the step to start a new life for me and my daughters. Anyway, not really sure what my point is, except that I watched peers separate and divorce, I listened to their moms at mah jongg games and at the swim club support their daughters - I knew that my mom would not. It was okay for someone else's daughter, but not for me. I'm not sure I will ever forgive her for that.

Edited April 22, 2010 by MariannNOVA

[FaithManor]

I've never had it happen to anyone in our family. But, several years ago, we had a pastor who related to us what happened in his first marriage. He came home from church one day to find the baby and the 3 year old sitting in the middle of the floor completely unattended. Nothing was missing from the house but her car was gone.

 

She was eventually traced to a bus stop and from there nothing. Literally, nada....after about five years he tried to have her legally declared dead so that he could get on with his life - such as taking her name off their checking account which can't be done without a divorce decree or death certificate, etc. Nothing doing.... the courts would not order the death decree because there had been no sign of foul play. After eight years and several legal hassles because he was still married but had no spouse and couldn't sell their house (couldn't have a closing without her signature), he applied for a divorce. The judge awarded the divorce in abstentia and he was able to sell the house and their other car (which also had her name on it).

 

He was a great single dad and the kids were told the truth when they were old enough, but they always felt that she was dead. He eventually remarried a widow with two very young children and they became a very happy family.

 

Well, wouldn't you know it, when his oldest child was 24, disappearing mom managed to track them down from wherever she was and CALLED! That's right..."Hello, I'm your mother!" The eldest kept his emotions under control long enough to figure out that this was not some kook but truly the woman who had disappeared 21 years before. She just felt like calling and "Catching up". She told him she just felt as though she needed to spread her wings, have some space, date some more....it was all tooo much responsibility and since she decided that she didn't want to be a pastor's wife, it was just easier to abandon them all than explain her feelings to their dad. The young man made it clear to her that they had a mother (step-mom) and were not interested in any relationship with her whatsoever. The girl refused to even speak to her on the phone.

 

She tried to call a few more times and was told never to call again. She eventually stopped and that was the final end to it all.

 

I'll never understand a lot of people.

 

Faith

[MariannNOVA]

I've never had it happen to anyone in our family. But, several years ago, we had a pastor who related to us what happened in his first marriage. He came home from church one day to find the baby and the 3 year old sitting in the middle of the floor completely unattended. Nothing was missing from the house but her car was gone.

 

She was eventually traced to a bus stop and from there nothing. Literally, nada....after about five years he tried to have her legally declared dead so that he could get on with his life - such as taking her name off their checking account which can't be done without a divorce decree or death certificate, etc. Nothing doing.... the courts would not order the death decree because there had been no sign of foul play. After eight years and several legal hassles because he was still married but had no spouse and couldn't sell their house (couldn't have a closing without her signature), he applied for a divorce. The judge awarded the divorce in abstentia and he was able to sell the house and their other car (which also had her name on it).

 

He was a great single dad and the kids were told the truth when they were old enough, but they always felt that she was dead. He eventually remarried a widow with two very young children and they became a very happy family.

 

Well, wouldn't you know it, when his oldest child was 24, disappearing mom managed to track them down from wherever she was and CALLED! That's right..."Hello, I'm your mother!" The eldest kept his emotions under control long enough to figure out that this was not some kook but truly the woman who had disappeared 21 years before. She just felt like calling and "Catching up". She told him she just felt as though she needed to spread her wings, have some space, date some more....it was all tooo much responsibility and since she decided that she didn't want to be a pastor's wife, it was just easier to abandon them all than explain her feelings to their dad. The young man made it clear to her that they had a mother (step-mom) and were not interested in any relationship with her whatsoever. The girl refused to even speak to her on the phone.

 

She tried to call a few more times and was told never to call again. She eventually stopped and that was the final end to it all.

 

I'll never understand a lot of people.

 

Faith

 

Here I go again: WOW

 

THAT story probably takes the cake.

[Rebecca VA]

Let me guess -- Faith's pastor's wife left during the 1970s. What a toxic time of selfishness that was. All of popular culture was aligned to make people feel they were missing out if they didn't pursue exactly what they wanted the moment they wanted it, no matter what the cost. There were broken homes all over the place. Think of "Kramer vs. Kramer," where the mom left her husband and little boy so that she could find herself.

 

I'm so thankful that society frowns on that kind of behavior nowadays. I can't imagine how that mom in Ohio thought she could get away with running off and leaving her family.