How much time do you spend with your dh?

[Renee in NC]

A recent situation made me realize that I was spending very little time with my dh. If he was not working, he was home, but we were not *together* so much as in the same space. We weren't talking much if it didn't involve the dc or what to have for dinner, we weren't together after the dc went to bed, etc. We weren't fighting or unhappy, but we were more co-existing.

 

So, how do you and your dh spend time together? How do you make time even when it seems like all your responsibilities get in the way? How much time do you spend with your dh every week?

[Renee in NC]

I am making a concious effort to actually *be* with him. For example, I am not a TV person - I would rather be on here than watch TV. However, my dh is a TV person. So I have been trying for the past few days to sit next to him on the couch and watch with him and it has been great! We aren't just sitting and staring at the TV as much as I thought we would be - we are actually talking about all kinds of things. The dc are going in their rooms at 8pm to listen to audiobooks or read so that we can be alone.

 

He would call me at lunch from work, and I wouldn't be able to talk because the dc needed me, or I was on the phone, or something else. Now, I am setting aside that 1/2 hour for him - he calls me, we talk (and it generally isn't about the dc or what we are having for dinner.) I go in my room and lock the door so we won't be interrupted as much (of course I have dc old enough to take care of the others for a little while.)

 

In general, we are both trying to "reconnect" and talk to each other, spend time with each other, etc. We've planned a date night for when he is working less (well, even less than his reduced schedule of 60 hours a week right now!) We also are planning family outings - things we had quit doing. There is a history reenactment event next month and a Scouting family campout we intend to go to. When the mud runs start up again, we're going to go (despite the fact that I think they are an excuse for future Jerry Springer guests to drink!:lol:)

 

I forgot how much fun dh and I have together.:D

[Tess in the Burbs]

Yep, dh and I had fallen into that rut and many here know how that worked out for us :-(

 

But now we spend all our time together. The kids complained a lot at first, lol. Said I was taking up their Daddy time when he got home, but now we do things as a family in the evenings, dh and spend our weeknights working out or watching movies together. We aren't TV people anymore. We take turns picking out a movie or game to play. We love card games. We talk more. Every day and not just the random thing. We do things as a family now. I don't run out at night anymore. And I don't miss that either. I relish the time with my dh and when I don't get it I miss him. It had been YEARS since I missed him when away.

 

So I can attest that making the effort was worth it. The book, "His Needs, Her Needs" was wonderful for us and it allowed us to see what the other needed to be happy. It suggested 14 hours a week with your spouse. NOT watching tv. Time doing something together that allowed talking or time just spent talking with no interruptions or kids. When you add that up it isn't always easy to meet that goal. But we do notice when it's not close :-)

[i.love.lucy]

I've been thinking about this too. I've been feeling a "disconnect". We usually have some family time in the evenings, and dinner together, but then about 8:30 he usually heads to the garage to have a cigar/pipe and watch a movie by himself. I put the kids to bed, and do more chores like dishes and laundry. Often when he's done with his cigar and movie he's so exhausted (not a night owl) that he comes in and heads to bed. That's really when I get my time to watch a show, or read, or spend time online. But we are not connecting and talking like we used to. I am going to have to make more of an effort.

 

I started a thread last year some time about the fact that he would like me to come to bed at the same time he does, but I have yet to do that but once or twice! The problem is that I am more of a night owl and do have some insomnia, so if we go to bed at the same time, he'll drop off to sleep right away and I am laying there tossing and turning listening to him snore! It makes me crazy!

 

Thanks for this reminder that I do need to try harder to make more time for just us.

[jld]

He's with us on Sundays and every other Sat., if not travelling. He lives in another city the other days. It's sad, but it's how it is (job necessity). I miss him.

[Orthodox6]

Spending as much time as is possible when he is forced, by the exigencies of his industry, to work as many as 80 hours per week. :glare: We do the best that we can, and have a loving relationship solid after nearly 26 years of marriage. I quickly admit to wanting to see much, much more of him, as he remains my favorite person on earth !

[LauraGB]

For the last 12 years dh and I have worked together and (of course) lived together. We work at home. So, that equates to...almost all the time. Believe me, some days (even weeks) that whole "togetherness" thing is wildly over-rated. But, we are so used to being together that it is rather odd not to be together.

 

Also, I wanted to point out that even if one does spend most of thier time with thier spouse, there are still seasons of detachment. I think it's the nature of the family beast. Making regular date nights or other special things to look forward to is really helpful to maintain that "hey, we're married" feeling vs that "we just co-exist" rut.

[JoyfulMama]

... The book, "His Needs, Her Needs" was wonderful for us and it allowed us to see what the other needed to be happy. It suggested 14 hours a week with your spouse. NOT watching tv. Time doing something together that allowed talking or time just spent talking with no interruptions or kids. When you add that up it isn't always easy to meet that goal. But we do notice when it's not close :-)

 

14 hours a week. Hmmmm..... Adding it up, I got 20.5 awake hours that we see eachother, or are at least home and awake together. And very little of that is actually alone time. My dh enjoys knowing that I am home when he is home, even though we are often busy tending to things other than eachother. On the two nights he is home longer he is often asleep by the time the kids are, if not before (at 8pm). He enjoys knowing I am nearby, and gets mad if I chase him upstairs to bed before I am ready, or if I leave him to sleep alone on the couch when I am ready for bed.

We both feel the need to be near to eachother, but it's not always practical to both be awake. We have started to go grocery shopping all together every other week, and even that small extra time together has been really nice (even though in the store, we each take a cart and start at opposite ends, there is a real feeling of unity in the task).

His work hours have been recently changed, and this change in responsibilities has left him terribly busy at work. I have missed his short texts, but I haven't stopped mine to him.

[Only me]

This thread really got my attention. My dh and I have definitely fallen into a rut. He is out of the house 11 hours a day. When he gets home we eat dinner and then we all tend to go our own ways. He usually works out or watches TV and I usually read a book, go on the computer or do lesson plans. Of course there are times that the whole family is busy and outside of the house (baseball season, etc.).

 

We both seem to be so tired lately and all we want to do is veg out in our own way. We get along fine but don't seem to talk as much as we used to. He doesn't like it when I talk when he is watching TV or reading the paper. The rest of the time he is usually working out or playing video games with my son. That doesn't leave a lot of time just for the two of us.

 

I think I am in a bit of a depression this winter too. I have been under a lot of stress due to my daughter's unresolved medical issues and it just seems like it's more difficult to cope with everything else. Since a lot of the time it seems inconvenient for him to talk I end up just shutting down.

 

It's definitely an area I want to work on. We will be married 20 years this fall and sometimes it saddens me that we aren't as close as we used to be. I think my dh and I both need to put forth more effort to make our relationship stronger again. Quite honestly we spend very little time together each day.

[cathmom]

Usually we talk for about a half hour or so when he gets home, while the dc are setting the table and getting things ready for dinner. Several times a week we watch a TV show or movie together. We like to talk to each other and it's hard to stop LOL.

[Granny_Weatherwax]

I don't know how to answer. :(

 

DH's work schedule limits our time together. He is a railroad conductor and is on call. He works twelve hour shifts, has eight hours off and then it's back on call. He is usually called out after the eight hours. He doesn't have any scheduled days off and it is luck of the draw to ask for a day off - first guy to call in usually gets the day, everyone else is out of luck.

 

With homeschooling and my part time employment we find very little time to be together. When we do see each other the time is usually spent catching up on laundry, dishes, grocery shopping, or other household tasks. We also try to attend DS's scout activities and DD's cheerleading events.

 

We have been working the Dave Ramsey plan so DH's work schedule has been a blessing. We are one little bill away from being debt free. As soon as that is paid off DH is going to try to switch work schedules.

 

BTW - we have not had a vacation together in 4 years. I cannot wait to be able to go somewhere with DH.

 

(need to be a little more diligent about weight watchers so I can look my best when we take a vacation this summer)

[fishmummy]

My DH is miltary and his current situation is here two weeks and gone two weeks...this will continue until the USN has finished there excercises...I read this as never!! So lately our family has really begun to move activities around his schedule so that when he is here..so are we. Unlike a muli-month deployment, this make the timing a little more immediate. We also have started using our computer to keep in touch while he is gone...with the webcam, our home is right there in his hotel room! He can see when the kids are screaming...he can also read to them at night!

[secular_mom]

Dh will come and sit beside me at the computer if I am online, and he'll rub my neck and IF I'm not obviously very busy he will start a conversation with me. That's my BIG hint that I need to get off the puter for the day and be with him. When he is busy in the garage I will just go out there to say hi, and if he's not urgently busy he'll stop what he's doing for a minute and we just stand there and hug each other. Same thing if I'm busy in the kitchen, or if either of us is busy with something else. We DO have a LOT of responsibility, he's in the military, I homeschool our four children, we do most of our own vehicle and home repairs, and a million other things that just keep us busy. But we can take a moment out to connect with each other during the busyness. It helps to remind each other that we are NOT alone and that we are doing all of this work for each other and our kids. Work is so much lighter when we connect with each other.

 

I really don't know the amount of time we are together.

[TammyinTN]

My dh is military as well and boy do I miss our times together (deployed since last May). When he's home we have a once a week date night. We have our meals together even if it means waiting until later to eat. We watch TV, listen to music together each night. We discuss the news, school and anything on each others mind. On the weekends we would go touring together, take long walks and basically just hangout.

 

I can't wait for him to come home! I totally get your need to reconnect with your husband.

[creekland]

We're together most of the time since hubby works from our house (though occasionally is out on job sites or going to township or client meetings). I work in our local public high school 2 - 3 days per week, so it's more often that I'm gone.

 

The rest of the time we're together. I get up earlier in the morning by about 2 hours, so that's my "me" time. He goes to bed later. When he's not working we tend to do things together - cook, eat, play games, etc, (with the kids too).

 

About half the time we do errands together - just because we like being with each other.

 

We're looking forward to retirement and being together even more. He's my best friend and buddy. We don't tire of being together. Besides, "time" is my love language. I need it. :)

[lionfamily1999]

A recent situation made me realize that I was spending very little time with my dh. If he was not working, he was home, but we were not *together* so much as in the same space. We weren't talking much if it didn't involve the dc or what to have for dinner, we weren't together after the dc went to bed, etc. We weren't fighting or unhappy, but we were more co-existing.

 

So, how do you and your dh spend time together? How do you make time even when it seems like all your responsibilities get in the way? How much time do you spend with your dh every week?

Btdt.

 

Now, we hang out as soon as he gets home from work. Even if the conversation starts off with the monotonous 'how was work?' eventually we get to something interesting. Of course, we do have schedules that conflict at times, but I do try to make sure that I keep at least two week-nights free for us. As for the weekends, we do most things together, work in the yard, clean house, go places, grocery shopping.

 

Basically, it's the same answer I have for how I can read as much as I do (when do you find time to read!)... I hang out with dh whenever he is available. We hang out while I cook, we talk while we watch movies, we talk in bed, we talk while we're in the bathroom :lol: Any time there's an opening, and yes, many times I will have a book in my hand :p

[angela in ohio]

We spend a ridiculous amount of time together. I tell dh that if I didn't like hiim so well, I would get a lot more done!

 

We spend a few hours together most nights, some with kiddos and some without (they have a strict bedtime to ensure our alone time.) We talk, read next to each other, play games, etc. We also go out alone about every other week for a night out - dinner or shopping and a movie. We take family trips every few weekends.

Edited February 23, 2010 by angela in ohio

[Jean in Newcastle]

We do eat dinner together as a family 6 nights a week. And we have a Bible time together as a family about 5 nights a week. But for dh and I alone - we get two laps totally to ourselves on our nightly family walk. The kids have to be ahead of us - far enough so that they can't hear us talk about them! That time is important to me for us connecting as adults.

[melissel]

Lots of food for thought here. I quit my job recently, due in part to this issue. We'd gone to a place where we were hardly a family anymore because of all the scrambling and stress and mixed-up schedules. DH wasn't totally on board with my quitting, but I firmly believe it will benefit our marriage. Now I can sit with him at night without my laptop on my lap, and I don't have to go in another room to focus on my work, etc. He's a TV guy, and while I enjoy TV, I'm working on luring him away from the boob tube at night so we can focus on being together. We used to play games, and we never do that anymore, but it's so fun and I miss it!

 

So no, we don't spend enough quality time together yet, but I'm working on it!

 

Yep, dh and I had fallen into that rut and many here know how that worked out for us :-(

 

:grouphug: Tess, I've been thinking about you and wondering how you were doing. I'm glad to read such a positive update!

 

We have been working the Dave Ramsey plan so DH's work schedule has been a blessing. We are one little bill away from being debt free. As soon as that is paid off DH is going to try to switch work schedules.

 

Congratulations! We paid off our last debt in October, and it was heavenly. Keep up the good work!

[HRAAB]

When dh was employed, we talked in the morning before work. When he got home, I would spend 15-20 min. with him talking about work (very stressful). We ate dinner together as a family. Then dh and I would take a walk, sit outside, go to our room for some alone time. Fridays and Saturdays we were more apt to play games or watch a movie with the girls. Saturday morning we always went out for breakfast and grocery shopping together.

 

Now that he is unemployed, we have coffee and breakfast together in the morning. He then goes and does his thing while we school. We take some time together around noon, take a walk. Some more school. Then we watch the news together and discuss world affairs and such. Have dinner with the family, and usually dh and I take another walk together. He's in and out throughout the day, though.

 

We've always spent quite a bit of time together - not just in the same room but together talking. Or sometimes just sitting by each other and not talking, but together. I think we both need that so we've always made time. For many years I usually had a nursing baby but we would still be together. It's way easier now that they're older.

[Liz CA]

So glad to hear you guys are doing so well. Great suggestions!

[coralloyd]

My love language is time.

 

If I did not get lots of time with my dh, I would feel horrid. We spend 1.5 to 2 hours together in the mornings. Dh works at home, so this is possible for us. He makes the coffee and brings me a cup. We let the kids watch videos or play while we sit in a different room and talk or just snuggle. At night we put the kids down at 8 and talk a little then watch something together. We don't get a lot of date nights, so these are the ways we "date".