Revisiting Birthday Parties and uninvited siblings...

[Mabelen]

I know this has been discussed in the past, but please share with me any strategies and wisdom you have gained.

 

I am having a Birthday party tomorrow for my youngest at an animal center. She is turning 6 and all of the guests are 5 or 6 years old. I had to be within budget so we decided to invite only the girls she is friends with. The invitations were addressed to the child who had been invited. All of the children have other siblings (mix of brothers and sisters). The RSVP read to please respond by February 11th. Today, February 13th, I get this email from the last one person who had yet to respond and it reads:

 

"Invited girl and her little brother will love to attend Birthday Girl's party.

 

Total Party of Four - 2 Kids & Parents."

 

Luckily with the little brother we are just within the number of guests allowed without extra charge, but I just want to know if it's me or if it's rude to include extra guests without checking first? I have a couple of families who asked if it was OK to bring a sibling because they couldn't make alternative arrangements for them and I said of course it was fine. What can I do? Anything other than suck it up and enjoy the party? Do I respond to their RSVP, and if so, how?

Edited February 13, 2010 by Mabelen

[freetobeme]

it is rude.

there really is no response i can think of since the extra child won't exceed your guest limit. no matter what you do or say, you will probably be perceived as the rude one if you respond with anything other than "okay".

you are gracious to include any other children that you did not invite.

actually, except in rare circumstances, i think it is rude to ask to include anyone who was not on the original invitation, but that's just me.

:001_smile:

[Jean in Newcastle]

You could send an e-mail back, "Fortunately we had a cancellation and so we can accommodate the extra sibling. We'll be looking forward to seeing you."

[Mabelen]

Thank you for your replies.

 

I really like Jean's response, it is polite and well worded but lets them know they were imposing themselves... Now, will I be brave enough to do it? I think I am too chicken!

[ElizabethB]

I like Jean's response.

 

But, I personally would not consider going to a birthday party where both my children were not welcomed and invited unless it was for a very good friend and I could feel comfortable dropping off my daughter alone. I can see her point of view but she didn't have to be rude about it.

 

We don't go to many birthday parties and do so only for very good friends or friends new in town that don't have many friends to invite yet.

[Catherine]

situation-one child invited (to play games) to friend\neighbor's house, the other not.

 

I realize my younger kid is not entitled to an invitation. That doesn't make it any easier when we have to confront the situation. I can't help but feel as if I'd really rather not deal with his hurt feelings right now and just say no thanks! I mean, why can't a younger sib come over to play games?? I avoid those kinds of invites for that reason.

 

Off to handle this.

[nmoira]

I would have called each family ahead of sending out the invites to explain that, unfortunately, siblings cannot be accommodated at this particular party. This way misunderstandings can be avoided, and, if the parents have a heads up, an the number of disappointed children will be minimised.

 

As for what to do, I think Jean's response it on the money.

Edited February 13, 2010 by nmoira

[courtney.byrum]

I would never take my 2nd child if they weren't invited. So far we haven't had that issue as they are both invited to every party (mostly family friends and the whole family is invited type of thing).

 

DD was even invited to one of DS's classmates parties. I wouldn't have expected that and she would have stayed home with DH if not invited. She was invited as she goes to dance class with the birthday boy's little sister so they all know DD well.

 

If given no other option I would see if I could either just drop DS off or bring DD with me (and pay the extra cost if need be). Of course I'd only be willing to drop DS off if I really knew the family (he's peanut allergic and I just don't feel comfortable with him being 'alone' in certain situations).

[Hockey Mom]

I like Jean's response.

 

But, I personally would not consider going to a birthday party where both my children were not welcomed and invited unless it was for a very good friend and I could feel comfortable dropping off my daughter alone. I can see her point of view but she didn't have to be rude about it.

 

We don't go to many birthday parties and do so only for very good friends or friends new in town that don't have many friends to invite yet.

 

:iagree:

 

Not because I feel my younger DS is entitled to an invite, but because my boys are a year apart in age. They run with the same group of kids. If one was invited and the other wasn't, none of us would go to the party.

 

On the flip side, I always send the invitation with the expectation that younger sibs will be attending as well. That's just how we roll. :)

[Greta]

Thank you for your replies.

 

I really like Jean's response, it is polite and well worded but lets them know they were imposing themselves... Now, will I be brave enough to do it? I think I am too chicken!

 

I don't think you need to be frightened about it, I think it's a very wise way of handling it.

[mrs.m]

I can't help but feel as if I'd really rather not deal with his hurt feelings right now and just say no thanks! I mean, why can't a younger sib come over to play games?? I avoid those kinds of invites for that reason.

 

Off to handle this.

 

I often have this issue. My 4yo gets so upset. But he will have his day to get to play with his own friends when he is older. I wouldn't do the opposite if he was invited to something that older siblings weren't invited to! And I can't fault the inviting parent for not considering that I have younger children that would love to come along. So I do deal with it then and there. It will not get better as they get older. And life isn't fair. :(

 

I learned early on to ask if I can drop my children off at b-day parties. I explain that I have other children that will need me to watch them. Sometimes the parents will invite all of us to stay. Sometimes they invite me to just leave my child in their care for a couple hours. If I can work out other plans with DH, then I do that instead.

[Harriet Vane]

I'll be honest, I'm a little puzzled by the whole-family-or-nothing mentality. Also puzzled as to why all siblings have to be welcome. The only possible response to an invitation is, "Thank you, So-and-so will be delighted to come," or "Thank you, so-and-so cannot make it." It is rude to impose uninvited guests.

 

For the family that decided to impose an extra kid, I like Jean's response, but also think it would be perfectly acceptable to say, "I'm sorry we're not able to accommodate siblings--sorry for any misunderstanding."

[Jean in Newcastle]

If the birthday party is at a home, most people invite whole families. But if it is at a special venue, people often are not able to do that. And if the activity is geared to a special age group, then it is a burden to have a toddler (or some other child in another age group) taking up space which you often have to pay for at eye-popping prices.

[Murphy101]

I do not expect that all my kids are always going to get along with all their siblings friends and I don't expect that my kids should only have friends that want to play with their siblings.

 

It all goes around and I'm pretty harsh about it. Their day and friends will arrive too and their sibling(s) will be the one left out. No big deal here. No tears or anything.

[MamaT]

I like Jean's response and think it would be clear and polite.

 

With 6 kids, I never have assumed our whole family would be invited just because 1 child got an invite. Are you kidding? An invititation is for the person it is addressed to and no one else in my thinking, especially at a venue where you pay per child. When we have parties at home, extra people/siblings are certainly welcome, but not at a birthday party where you pay per person.

[KarenNC]

But, I personally would not consider going to a birthday party where both my children were not welcomed and invited unless it was for a very good friend and I could feel comfortable dropping off my daughter alone. I can see her point of view but she didn't have to be rude about it.

 

This was something that was very hard for me when we began homeschooling. I have one child, but many of the families of the girls my daughter's age who were in our relatively small homeschool group had several children, older and younger, a mix of girls and boys. Her 5th birthday came not terribly long after we joined the group and we wanted to invite her girl friends from the homeschool group as well as a couple of her friends from church and from preschool. I *really* wanted to fit into the culture of the group and knew that these girls would form the core of my daughter's social group for a good while.

 

I was nervous enough about figuring out social roles for helping my 5 yo fit into a new group, as I had only had one birthday party growing up that included more than family, and very few friends. I have one sister, but she is 5 years younger than me. Also I was brand-new to homeschooling, but had spent a number of months on these boards, so the information I saw on the threads formed much of my understanding of what homeschooling and homeschoolers were like. Based on a couple of threads at the time from many families who would never consider an invitation unless it was for every child in the family, I was convinced I was looking at a party that had just grown from inviting 5 or so little girls about my daughters age for a princess party to one that was going to need to accommodate about 20 children ranging from toddler to preteen, boys and girls, plus their parents, with the consequent need to feed and entertain all those people, plus find space to put them. That was *not* in the budget.

 

She came close to either not having a party or not inviting anyone from the homeschool group until I gathered up my courage (and, believe me, it took a *lot*--I don't do new social situations comfortably) and very hesitantly asked the parents of the girls if it would be okay if just the girls were invited and not all their siblings. I was half-convinced that this was going to get me looked down upon in the group from the outset. Luckily, they all seemed surprised I was concerned about raising the subject and it worked out quite well. Most came with one parent while the other parent stayed with the other kids. I'm glad to say that most of those folks are still friends with us almost 5 years later and there have been several birthday parties since :).

[Tess in the Burbs]

You need to be upfront it's a set group price and anyone extra are welcome at their cost. Otherwise you get a ton of people! I once was told only my ds could attend so I left dd at home with dh. Showed up and EVERYONE else had brought the siblings. I was hurt. but then I learned she had to pay extra per kid!!!

 

So when we had a set limit party I talked to the parents and explained and only had who asked about a sibling coming and I was able to accommodate their situation due to others canceling.

 

I think it's hard. We have had one kid invited to a party that both my kids play with. How do you explain that???

 

But I would be upfront in the invite next time. A little comment line...Siblings are welcome to join but there is an extra cost beyond the invited child. People either understand or they don't. And if they don't then they have never had extra's show up at a cost party ;-)

[Joanne]

I like Jean's response.

 

IMO, when the cost in on individual families, they should have a choice as long as a total RSVP number is given. End of season sports parties, for example.

 

When the costs are on the host/hostess, it makes total sense to limit to the invitee.

[Twinmom]

I have three boys and a girl very close in age, so this comes up for me quite a bit. Depending on the situation, I do one of three things. First, leave the uninvited sibs with Daddy, of course. If this is not possible, I call and ask the parent if I either drop off the invited kiddo or if I can bring the other three and pay their admissions fees at the venue. So far, it's worked out just fine. I paid the admissions fee for one sweet family who was open enough to admit that they couldn't afford it (but wanted the other sibs there!), other times the family has said the numbers were fine. No hard feelings, so far as I can tell.

 

I do think that it was rude of your friends not to call and ask if the other family members were welcome. However, given that it would not affect your "bottom line" this time, if it were me, I would let it go. In the future, you might consider writing something like "Drop-offs welcome" or "Due to admissions costs, attendees must be limited to invited guest (and one parent) only. Drop-offs welcome!" Sad that you'd have to do that (people should always ask!!), but it would probably be easier for you to say no to someone if you've stated it in advance.

[cdrumm4448]

We just went to a birthday party for my dd(4). It was at a jumpy place (inflatables), and my husband works all the time and we have no other family to help with childcare, so I knew I had to bring my ds(8) with. I just asked the mom if I could pay for my son to jump. No big deal. He didn't need cake or a goody bad (although she had so many she gave him one anyway) but I would never expect her to.

 

If I'm willing to pay for the additional child and they don't impact the party, I don't see a problem with it.

[jujsky]

I know this has been discussed in the past, but please share with me any strategies and wisdom you have gained.

 

I am having a Birthday party tomorrow for my youngest at an animal center. She is turning 6 and all of the guests are 5 or 6 years old. I had to be within budget so we decided to invite only the girls she is friends with. The invitations were addressed to the child who had been invited. All of the children have other siblings (mix of brothers and sisters). The RSVP read to please respond by February 11th. Today, February 13th, I get this email from the last one person who had yet to respond and it reads:

 

"Invited girl and her little brother will love to attend Birthday Girl's party.

 

Total Party of Four - 2 Kids & Parents."

 

Luckily with the little brother we are just within the number of guests allowed without extra charge, but I just want to know if it's me or if it's rude to include extra guests without checking first? I have a couple of families who asked if it was OK to bring a sibling because they couldn't make alternative arrangements for them and I said of course it was fine. What can I do? Anything other than suck it up and enjoy the party? Do I respond to their RSVP, and if so, how?

 

I haven't read the responses, but yes -- it is rude. My kids are close in age, so until recently they shared most of their friends. Now they are getting their own friends and I have NEVER brought the uninvited child to a party without asking. I had a girls-only party for DD's 4th & 5th b-days, and I made that clear on the invitation. I had one friend who needed to bring a sibling, but she did ask ahead of time.

[laundrycrisis]

I think it is rude to assume that a sibling who wasn't specified on the invitation can attend. But I don't think it is rude for someone to politely call and ask.

 

If the party is on a day when it will be difficult or impossible for one of us to take just DS1 to a party and the other to stay home with DS2, I will call and ask if it will be a problem for DS2 to come too....and I offer to cover any additional expense that it would cause if it would make it more expensive. If it is not possible for DS2 to attend (this has never been the case so far) then we would have to decline the invitation, with no hard feelings. (We currently do not drop DS1 off at parties due to food allergies).

 

I do not assume that DS2 will always be welcome at parties that DS1 is invited to. But if having DS1 attend the party without DS2 presents a child care tangle for us (sometimes DH is not available on the weekends) then I would rather ask about him being included than just decline outright.

 

Most of the people who know us well enough to be inviting us to parties invite our whole family anyhow, and are familiar with the food allergy situation, and know that at the minimum, a parent will be attending with DS1 and that we will be bringing all of his own food for the party.

[Rosy]

I'll be honest, I'm a little puzzled by the whole-family-or-nothing mentality. Also puzzled as to why all siblings have to be welcome. The only possible response to an invitation is, "Thank you, So-and-so will be delighted to come," or "Thank you, so-and-so cannot make it." It is rude to impose uninvited guests.

 

For the family that decided to impose an extra kid, I like Jean's response, but also think it would be perfectly acceptable to say, "I'm sorry we're not able to accommodate siblings--sorry for any misunderstanding."

 

Me too. My kids are all close in age (4 in 4 years) and have lots of friend that overlap. They all understand that they won't be invited to every party--it doesn't mean so-and-so isn't their friend. I think it's healthy for my kids to have their own friendships and to be able to go places and do things without their siblings. I also think it's healthy for my kids to know that they need to be invited to be welcome somewhere, and that there's nothing wrong with not being invited. I would hate for them to be the kind of adults that just show up places uninvited and unannounced.

 

I've thrown many parties where people bring uninvited siblings and have learned to plan for a few extra...but my parties are all done on the cheap and for the most part I try to be clear about letting people know their kids would be welcome, or else tell them that their son might be bored at a princess tea party. :) I try to never presume anyone of my kids will be welcome except the invited child and will call and ask for clarification if needed.

[blessed2fosteradopt]

I'll be honest, I'm a little puzzled by the whole-family-or-nothing mentality. Also puzzled as to why all siblings have to be welcome. The only possible response to an invitation is, "Thank you, So-and-so will be delighted to come," or "Thank you, so-and-so cannot make it." It is rude to impose uninvited guests.

 

For the family that decided to impose an extra kid, I like Jean's response, but also think it would be perfectly acceptable to say, "I'm sorry we're not able to accommodate siblings--sorry for any misunderstanding."

:iagree:completely! I don't know why it should be assumed that all siblings should be invited. A few years back, I had a birthday party for my son at a gymnastics facility. It was to be paid per child. I also bought very expensive toys as take-homes rather than goodie bags. Nearly 1/4 of the children who were invited didn't even get their intended gift as the parents of the siblings grabbed them without even asking even though they had names on them. Other parents just dropped of their invited child and siblings and just left. I had 10 kids that weren't invited (my son had never laid eyes on them) and I had to shell out $100 extra dollars.

 

Unless I received an invitation for all my children, I would never assume or be put out if my other children weren't invited. If my children were both friends with the birthday child that may be another story but otherwise I would never be so assuming.

[Mabelen]

I have no problem with one or two parents staying. I realize children at 5 or 6 might not be comfortable staying by themselves, although these girls all know me pretty well as I am in their classroom every Wednesday helping out and I also teach the arts class which meets every other week.

 

I also have no problem with parents asking ahead of time if I can accomodate an extra sibling if they have conflicts with time or the other parent is not available at that time to take care of them.

 

If the party was at home I would be more flexible in accomodating extra siblings too, although my house is not huge and that is one of the reasons why we are having it elsewhere.

[Impish]

I honestly don't understand why the sibs are entitled, or why a child should have to miss out on a party because sibs weren't welcome. Personally, I have a small place. I host a birthday party, and I don't have the ROOM for extra children, nor the financial ability to host a party somewhere bigger. I just honestly don't 'get' the entitlement that I've seen expressed about this situation (not just here, but elsewhere) that its all or nothing. What if the birthday kid doesn't LIKE or even loathes one of the sibs? Why should he/she have to put up with them, when they only invited the other?

 

The presumption that sibs are welcomed or the invited child held hostage to it blows my mind. Incredibly rude.

 

Yes, there will be times when a child is invited and a sib is not. Yes, the sib may have hurt feelings...but learning that they aren't entitled to all things all the time is part of growing up, isn't it? They will surely get invitations that their sibs don't receive.

 

Makes 0 sense to me, but sends my 'Rudeness Radar' into orbit.

 

I'll be honest, I'm a little puzzled by the whole-family-or-nothing mentality. Also puzzled as to why all siblings have to be welcome. The only possible response to an invitation is, "Thank you, So-and-so will be delighted to come," or "Thank you, so-and-so cannot make it." It is rude to impose uninvited guests.

 

For the family that decided to impose an extra kid, I like Jean's response, but also think it would be perfectly acceptable to say, "I'm sorry we're not able to accommodate siblings--sorry for any misunderstanding."

:iagree:

[ElizabethB]

I'll be honest, I'm a little puzzled by the whole-family-or-nothing mentality. Also puzzled as to why all siblings have to be welcome. The only possible response to an invitation is, "Thank you, So-and-so will be delighted to come," or "Thank you, so-and-so cannot make it." It is rude to impose uninvited guests.

 

 

For us, there are health issues and also moving every year or two and with my husband's job schedule and deployments and living away from family, I sometimes don't know people well enough to drop one child off and for health reasons cannot leave my son with many people, and it has to be an adult, and we don't live near family.

 

Now, I don't assume both are invited, and as I said, we generally don't go unless it's good friends anyway or new friends that need more children at their party after they just moved (we're sensitive to how hard it is when you just move!) in which case, both children are usually a bonus!

[laundrycrisis]

I'll be honest, I'm a little puzzled by the whole-family-or-nothing mentality. Also puzzled as to why all siblings have to be welcome. The only possible response to an invitation is, "Thank you, So-and-so will be delighted to come," or "Thank you, so-and-so cannot make it." It is rude to impose uninvited guests.

 

For us, there are health issues and also moving every year or two and with my husband's job schedule and deployments and living away from family, I sometimes don't know people well enough to drop one child off and for health reasons cannot leave my son with many people, and it has to be an adult, and we don't live near family.

 

 

That's similar to our situation. No local family, no easily accessible child care, DH's often unpredictable work schedule, and health issues that prevent me from being able to drop a child off at a party. I don't assume DS2 is welcome and I don't ask if he can come if we can work it out otherwise. But I'm not ashamed to ask (and offer to cover extra expenses) if it's the only way DS1 would be able to attend. If I am the one throwing the party, I would much prefer for someone to ask if they needed to bring a sibling along than to just assume they couldn't and decline.

Edited February 13, 2010 by Laundrycrisis2

[Brilliant]

...we generally don't go unless it's good friends anyway or new friends that need more children at their party after they just moved (we're sensitive to how hard it is when you just move!) in which case, both children are usually a bonus!

 

That's very kind of you! We have moved frequently and have run into problems with not knowing kids well enough to have a birthday party. Last time, one of my kids hadn't formed any friendships yet, but I went ahead and invited the 4 kids from our new homeschool group who were closest in age. All of them declined to attend. :( I cried buckets over that one, but the birthday child took it in stride.

[KarenNC]

I would hate for them to be the kind of adults that just show up places uninvited and unannounced.

 

I have actually not given an adult party that was anything other than potluck for about 15 years because that used to happen to us. I would plan a sit-down dinner (all provided by me) for a certain number of people, but one couple within the group showed up more than once with an extra person because they "ran into ____ and asked her if she wanted to come" or "knew I would want ___ to come because she wasn't doing anything else." That left me scrambling to divvy up food, find seating, etc. This wasn't a couple that could easily be left off the list as they roomed with another friend and all the folks involved saw each other very very regularly. That same couple would decide that if they couldn't come to something, they should just send another couple in their stead without asking us first. We don't see these folks much any more, so it isn't as much of an issue, but the lesson stuck.