Going through the grieving process while h'schooling

[stephanie]

What would you consider the necessary subjects that kids should do if you feel you are unable to do a full schedule because of grief? I understand Math, reading, but what else?

[Mesa]

It depends whos doing the grieving.. if it's me or the kids.

 

If it's me, I hope my hubby would pitch in. Maybe we could video school or evening school?

 

If it's one of my kids, they'd do a light schedule math, reading, writing, grammar.

 

If it's all of as a whole we'd do the same as the individual.. but hubby would pitch in with teaching and grading.

[stephanie]

It depends whos doing the grieving.. if it's me or the kids.

 

If it's me, I hope my hubby would pitch in. Maybe we could video school or evening school?

 

If it's one of my kids, they'd do a light schedule math, reading, writing, grammar.

 

If it's all of as a whole we'd do the same as the individual.. but hubby would pitch in with teaching and grading.

 

It's just me, but not sure how dh would handle helping. I never thought of that.

[MerryAtHope]

What would you consider the necessary subjects that kids should do if you feel you are unable to do a full schedule because of grief? I understand Math, reading, but what else?

 

I would probably add a read-aloud of some kind for at least the younger 3 (not sure if the 14 yo still listens in on those!). But that's my favorite part of school, it adds some structure to our day, and keeps me interacting with my kids and gets me out of my own little world. If it doesn't do all that for you, maybe it's not a choice for you.

 

I would look at the subjects that are the most independent & take the least instruction/effort from you, or are not hard to grade.

 

My kids the ages of your younger ones would benefit from some kind of LA--maybe spelling games, journalling, handwriting, copywork--something to keep an iron in the fire there.

 

We don't follow a ps schedule at all here, so I would also be willing to take an extra week off completely as needed, and start back later after the holidays (unless you need the structure to corral kids, LOL!).

 

Another thing I'd consider is half days. Half a day one day, half a day the next for one full school day. Then we wouldn't be dropping any subject completely, we'd have some structure to our days, but additional free time for me as well.

 

Another option might be to do a January project. Some colleges have an option where kids can do a January class--just that class, 5 days a week, several hours a day, and get 3 credit hours or whatever for it. Something along those lines might be worth considering as "time off" from your regular schedule, but only if it would be a good change of pace for you and not overwhelming. It could be a project your kids are interested in, they could get some library books, journal about it, or keep some notes, or build something or draw something etc... Something for them to work on an hour or two a day, might tie in a variety of skills & not be the same as regular school.

 

I'm sorry for your loss. (((Hugs))) Merry

[JenneinCA]

In times of overwhelming grief the only thing I did was go to the library and restock our books.

 

I was incapable of doing math, reading, or other school stuff. It wasn't happening. I was a mess. My husband was equally a mess. It was all he could do to go to work and bring home a pay check.

 

If you can, go outside and play with the kids in the sunshine. It helped me more than any curriculum did. And try to be kind to yourself.

[jld]

I hear you, Jenne. I totally agree -- when you're totally, completely, overwhelmingly enveloped by grief, just getting through your days is about all you can expect of yourself, nevermind any kind of schoolwork.

 

Sending you a hug, Stephanie.

[StephanieZ]

What would you consider the necessary subjects that kids should do if you feel you are unable to do a full schedule because of grief? I understand Math, reading, but what else?

 

I think it really depends on the length of your grieving period.

 

If it is less than a month, I think you could take a "school vacation" from everything if you wish for sure. (Although I find my kids are *more* trouble when they are unoccupied! So, I might want to keep their assignments relatively normal but just lighten *my* load by eliminating mom-intensive subjects and replacing them with more independent work.)

 

The longer the time you need, the more you'll have to consider their educational needs. If you need more time than you can "afford" vacation, then at some point you'll have to think of your options. . .

 

I'd try to ease back into your duties over time, picking the less-stressful subjects to pick up sooner, the more fight-with-them-want-to-poke-my-eyes-out subjects later (or never! maybe it's a good time to change things up!) Consider outsourcing (online, coop, dh, etc) if you have options available and if that would ease your load for a time.

 

FWIW, most of us eventually heal faster when we are busy. You do need time to just lick your wounds, cry, stay in bed. . . but at some point you'll do better if you haul yourself back to real life and just put one foot in front of another. Exactly how much time you need to wallow is totally variable with the loss suffered and your individual needs. Might be days. Might be a year. But, when you can face it, you might find schooling a good distraction.

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Take care.

[prairiegirl]

When I was grieving, we just did read alouds on the bad days and on the days when I felt a bit stronger we just did the basics: math, reading and writing.

 

One valuable thing I learned: extend yourself some grace when you are grieving. If you fight yourself on this and try to do more than you are able to handle then the grieving will take longer. At least, that has been my experience.

 

:grouphug:

[laughing lioness]

We are taking things slow. We've been doing some reading/ a little reading aloud. We've done some WWE, a little math. I think my rule of thumb for school starting in Jan is to really keep tabs on how I am feeling. The couple of days when I thought I was "fine" but really feeling grief, or really feeling pressure to have insurance forms done, I feel apart, yelled, we all cried. They were miserable days. I've had to really give myself pemission to cry and to go to my room and take a break. Just let the kids play or have free time. It's o.k. It's not forever. Realize that this is just a season and that the kids are getting "gyped." (esp the high schooler).

We'll be doing lots of stuff on CD's and I'm signing up ds for Latin on line.

:grouphug:to you!

[elegantlion]

What would you consider the necessary subjects that kids should do if you feel you are unable to do a full schedule because of grief? I understand Math, reading, but what else?

 

Honestly, I'd add some audio books and educational DVDs and take each day as it came. Free style art projects. Put out the markers, colored pencils, some coloring pages, and some sketchpads. If you are grieving the kids may be too and art can be a good release during those times.

 

:grouphug::grouphug:

[melmichigan]

Honestly, I'd add some audio books and educational DVDs and take each day as it came. Free style art projects. Put out the markers, colored pencils, some coloring pages, and some sketchpads. If you are grieving the kids may be too and art can be a good release during those times.

 

:grouphug::grouphug:

 

 

:iagree:completely, especially this time of year. Playing outside might be helpful too.

[DawnM]

I am so sorry you are having to go through this.

 

I would concentrate on math, reading, and writing. I wouldn't stress over anything else right now. We homeschool, we can make up time any time we need to.

 

:grouphug:

[Donna T.]

This topic is one that is quite fresh for our family. All of us (mom, dad, children) endured a terribly hurtful, grievious experience that we are just now beginning to slightly emerge from. It was an absolute nightmare for all of us and we probably never really will be quite the same. Well, we know we won't. In the beginning, it was still the summer, so we spent alot of time outside. We went swimming, took day-trips to the beach, went on nature walks and to the park. We made the Bible and church activities our only priority and for several weeks, that's about all we did. As we began to strengthen up and better handle the pain and shock of what had happened to us, we still just focused on math and the basics (Greek for my oldest, phonics for my youngest). We normally love read alouds but we lost all interest in those and didn't even try it for a long time.

 

We believe the Lord knew what was going to happen before-hand and He lovingly made preparations for us. We know He led us to our present curriculum and He did so right before this occurred. It was a huge blessing for me because I had a settled plan and on the days that I felt like it, we would work the plan... very often only doing half days but atleast we were making some progress. If I had had to be creative and do my normal which was more of a "fly by the seats of the pants" approach, we wouldn't have gotten anything done... for atleast four months.

 

Our whole family grew spiritually through the process. My husband rose up to the challenge and became an incrediable comfort to me as he took on more responsibility in our homeschool program. Many days, weeks, months, he would come home from work and make sure the children did their math and other basics before we went to bed. He started doing some of the read alouds and encouraged the children by taking a stronger interest in what they were doing. Alot of days, I'd go straight to bed when he got home and he would give them their assignments.

 

Really, the thing that helped the most was for me to just not worry about school so much. I didn't get guilt tripped over it because I knew that I had nothing to give to my kids. Nothing but comfort and if I was spreading myself too thin, I would not have had that. Some days, I could only give them a few smiles and tell them not to give up. I think that was the best thing I could do for them. So, not beating myself up and working the plan that I had, even a wee little bit some days, helped. My husband kept telling me this is part of homeschooling. Our kids were home with us and learning how to deal with life's difficulties. They weren't shut away from us somewhere. They were right in the middle of our grief and we think they have learned alot from the experience. When we first decided to homeschool, we had talked about how children who are home are exposed to more life experiences and more real life situations than those who are in schools all day. We had seen that as a benefit of homeschooling. So, we just kept telling ourselves that this was what that was and it was o.k.

 

I will be praying for you. I know it is incrediably difficult.

[Jill- OK]

In times of overwhelming grief the only thing I did was go to the library and restock our books.

 

I was incapable of doing math, reading, or other school stuff. It wasn't happening. I was a mess.

 

If you can, go outside and play with the kids in the sunshine. It helped me more than any curriculum did. And try to be kind to yourself.

 

Yes. Exactly.

 

Have plenty of books available, and just get through.

 

Love on each other, be kind to yourself, and do what it takes to get you through.

 

It will abate. It will also crop up again, later, but it will get easier and easier, eventually.

[stephanie]

Thank you all for sharing with me your experiences. I think the most difficult part is that my children are not aware of what's going on with me. So I have to fake my feelings, or have them wonder what's wrong with mom. If I'm laying on the couch they are wondering what's wrong with me. They know the kind of person I usually am, and that I'm different. I'm just trying to find a balance in letting myself grieve as well as keeping my kids lives as normal as possible for them.

[lisabees]

Steph, so sorry you're going through this. :grouphug::grouphug:

Edited December 27, 2009 by lisabees

[laughing lioness]

Often our kids pick up on things, no matter how well we think we hide them and if when there is secrecy there is often confusion. Is there any way to share a little with the kids while still keeping the privacy you believe is necessary? Just a thought....:grouphug:

[stephanie]

Often our kids pick up on things, no matter how well we think we hide them and if when there is secrecy there is often confusion. Is there any way to share a little with the kids while still keeping the privacy you believe is necessary? Just a thought....:grouphug:

 

No, there really isn't. It would only bring them worry. We have prayed and felt the Lord has directed us in not sharing with them.

[Mary in GA]

So sorry you are dealing with this. I found it comforting to read fun read alouds with dc gathered around (got my mind off things for awhile.) Made sure we all got out some. The olders did some by themselves. Made sure the youngest got out to play. It takes some time.

 

Mary

[elegantlion]

No, there really isn't. It would only bring them worry. We have prayed and felt the Lord has directed us in not sharing with them.

 

:grouphug::grouphug: More hugs and prayers for you and your family.

[G5052]

I gave myself a month off of homeschooling entirely, and then did read-alouds and the 3 R's until we finished for the year. And when I was sad/worn out with grief, I told the kids what was going on.

 

A friend of mine completely dropped homeschooling for almost a year after her mom died, and now her high schoolers are going to have graduation delayed a year. Every situation is different, but you have to somehow give yourself a break and yet keep up some level of academics in the end.

[Mesa]

When I was grieving some distraction is just what I was looking for in my day. Teaching a lesson or two was that welcome distraction. I wasnt in any shape to go to the library, or out in public, but I could sit down and read a book with everyone.

Things may not be the same for you, and thats fine. Do what you can. Every situation is different. (Now when I lost my dad. I didnt have any homeschoolers then, and my son still missed a month of preschool. Both my dh and I could barely function during that time.)

 

I'm sorry your going through this.

[deeinfl]

I've been through the grieving process twice while homeschooling. The first was when my best friend died of breast cancer, the second was when I found out about my husband's infidelity. The second grief was worse than the first and took me almost 2 years to recover, but what I was able to do was just the basics, and most of what the kids could do independently.

 

I'd say math, and english grammar--and workbook at that. Ask them to write something every week about anything that they are reading or doing. Don't worry about checking it, just make sure they are handing it in, and that's all.

 

There are seasons for everything in life, and my time of grief did not stop the children from learning and we all learned that even in the grief there was learning and God was truly there.

 

I pray that God gives you His peace at this particular time. My prayers are with you right now. I'm so sorry for your loss and your pain.

 

Many Blessings...

 

Dee

[wildflower]

What would you consider the necessary subjects that kids should do if you feel you are unable to do a full schedule because of grief? I understand Math, reading, but what else?

 

Art, for free expression & bible study.

Even in the coldest of weather I would do a nature walk as needed & try to possibly incorporate into it- nature study/ science & the wonders God has given us, I'll explain this one below.

 

On a personal note-

I remember one particularly low moment for me standing in the entryway at church with a fussing child feeling the grief of loosing my dad & our hurting personal economy thinking there was no end to the hits coming at us. Looking at a tree outside the window, it was maybe January, & seeing swelling buds on a very dormant tree, it made me realize that spring would be coming soon & to let God do what was necessary to get us there.

Spring came & we made it through.

To me, getting out and experiencing God's world would be the best antidote for what burdens you. Fresh air & sunshine, like warm blankets for a tired soul.

:grouphug:

I hope whatever is going on in your lives brings you closer to each other and God.

[Tammyla]

:grouphug::grouphug: I'm so sorry you're grieving.:grouphug::grouphug:

 

Keep it simple and take it day by day.

 

Thank you all for sharing with me your experiences. I think the most difficult part is that my children are not aware of what's going on with me. So I have to fake my feelings, or have them wonder what's wrong with mom. If I'm laying on the couch they are wondering what's wrong with me. They know the kind of person I usually am, and that I'm different. I'm just trying to find a balance in letting myself grieve as well as keeping my kids lives as normal as possible for them.

[lovemykids]

:grouphug::grouphug: I'm so sorry you're grieving.:grouphug::grouphug:

 

Keep it simple and take it day by day.

:iagree:

 

:grouphug:

[christine in al]

1. It is a " grown-up problem" and private.

and

2. It's not about them,

 

3.you will be alright ( so they don't worry).

 

This seems like a good opportunity to teach some real emotional health. You can teach then ( A. ) The difference between privacy and secrecy.( A secret is when you fake it, private is that you are not going to tell them the details. ) And (B.)What one does when one is sad: gets out in the sunshine, cuts back to essential work load, eats good food, and rest when one needs to.

 

You can model for them good self care, honesty, privacy and trust. There might come a time when they are sad about something and start acting weird maybe it will be a private thing for them, but they will have seen how to keep something private, but not be secretive.

 

 

If they come out and ask you what's going, I would definately tell them that you have a grown-up problem that is making you sad, but that you will be okay. I really think acting like nothing's wrong once they sense that it is, can scare them. Most people especailly kids worry, what did I do, and how does this affect me? ( Is someone going to die on me? ARe my parents getting a divorce? )

 

The label "grown-up problem " helped my kids tremendously when we had to end a toxic relationship with our best friends. i had to use it repeatedly and they got it that I wasn't going to tell them what was going on, and that it was, not their fault, not going to affect them.

 

I am not saying don't listen to your answered prayer that you keep it from them. But there may be a really heathy way to do just that and take care of everyone. even you.

 

I am sorry you are grieving, and I wish you peace.

blessings

Christine in al

[lollie010]

Thank you for posting such a personal question, because the answers are helpful to me also. My children were young enough that giving up was an option for me. We just tried to survive and love each other. The real test will come in January when I am going to attempt to start over again. Not sure where the strength will come from, but I will try nonetheless.

[jillian]

1. It is a " grown-up problem" and private.

and

2. It's not about them,

 

3.you will be alright ( so they don't worry).

 

This seems like a good opportunity to teach some real emotional health. You can teach then ( A. ) The difference between privacy and secrecy.( A secret is when you fake it, private is that you are not going to tell them the details. ) And (B.)What one does when one is sad: gets out in the sunshine, cuts back to essential work load, eats good food, and rest when one needs to.

 

You can model for them good self care, honesty, privacy and trust. There might come a time when they are sad about something and start acting weird maybe it will be a private thing for them, but they will have seen how to keep something private, but not be secretive.

 

 

If they come out and ask you what's going, I would definately tell them that you have a grown-up problem that is making you sad, but that you will be okay. I really think acting like nothing's wrong once they sense that it is, can scare them. Most people especailly kids worry, what did I do, and how does this affect me? ( Is someone going to die on me? ARe my parents getting a divorce? )

 

The label "grown-up problem " helped my kids tremendously when we had to end a toxic relationship with our best friends. i had to use it repeatedly and they got it that I wasn't going to tell them what was going on, and that it was, not their fault, not going to affect them.

 

I am not saying don't listen to your answered prayer that you keep it from them. But there may be a really heathy way to do just that and take care of everyone. even you.

 

I am sorry you are grieving, and I wish you peace.

blessings

Christine in al

i agree with this whole heartedly. i've been praying for you mama

[Lovedtodeath]

unable to do a full schedule because of grief?

:grouphug: It must be so hard for you.

 

The couple of days when I thought I was "fine" but really feeling grief, or really feeling pressure to have insurance forms done, I feel apart, yelled, we all cried.

:grouphug:

[stephanie]

Again, I thank you all so much for the support. Y'all have all given me a lot to think about. I'm hoping through this week I can get some strength up to be prepared for next Monday when we start again. Although I don't even have the want to go into our school room.

[Gretchen in NJ]

Honestly, I'd add some audio books and educational DVDs and take each day as it came. Free style art projects. Put out the markers, colored pencils, some coloring pages, and some sketchpads. If you are grieving the kids may be too and art can be a good release during those times.

 

:iagree: I like what EL has to say. I have never been through the greiving process while I was homeschooling, so this is just my best guess on what to do. Yes, math, writing, grammar, and reading are important, but these subjects could be tough to teach when you are grieving. I think this is when you could take Multum non Multa to heart. :grouphug: A little is better then nothing at all. :grouphug: What about doing some things that are out of the ordinary like take some educational field trips? Do you have a zoo close by or an aquarium? How about playing some games with your children? They could be very educational if you are up to it. We played Monopoly last night. It is very good for practicing mental math.

 

Many :grouphug: for you, Stephine. My thoughts and prayers will be with you.

[Gretchen in NJ]

No, there really isn't. It would only bring them worry. We have prayed and felt the Lord has directed us in not sharing with them.

 

:grouphug:for you and your family.

[DianeJM]

Dear Stephanie,

 

I am so sorry for your loss.

I've read the loving replies you've received. This crowd has a lot of wisdom, what a blessing.

 

I agree with many, especially christine in al about how to include your kids without burdening them. Sometimes it helps kids to know they are not the problem, or else they might think it has to do with them (self-centered little buggers, kids, they always think it's about them, lol, I love that about them -- sometimes). My kids have thought I was angry with them, when it was really my grief, so it might be a burden off them if you share wisely a little with them. But of course it's your call.

 

My only other comment to you is to just do what you can, and that's all!

 

Some days you won't be able to do anything, and you might not even know it until you start trying. Give yourself permission to punt. It helped me to just stop all of a sudden and say, "Hey, kids, we're going to the museum, let's get your shoes on." My plan was to do school, and once I got in there and started, I just couldn't do it, and the kids knew something was up with me -- somehow they sense it and then they sort of follow suit, they aren't into it either at that point. A complete change of scenery was sometimes helpful for me. And there were other times I wouldn't have even been able to get myself out of the house, let alone them. So it varies from day to day. I will say, though, that my husband has been a help to me by encouraging me to get up and try. So, at least I try, and sometimes I find that I CAN do it, but not all the time. I have had grief going on since about 2004, and honestly, school has been on the back burner off and on for much of that time. It's amazing I've gotten as far as I have with school, in retrospect.

 

Just do what you can, when you can. Make yourself a priority list so that if you all of a sudden find yourself with some energy, you won't have to spend that energy thinking of what to do, just go to your list and pick something and go for it.

 

I would also suggest you think about getting some help for yourself, some sort of counseling. I've found it's really helpful to talk to someone professionally.

 

Many blessings and hugs,

[H.S. Burrow]

1. It is a " grown-up problem" and private.

and

2. It's not about them,

 

3.you will be alright ( so they don't worry).

 

This seems like a good opportunity to teach some real emotional health. You can teach then ( A. ) The difference between privacy and secrecy.( A secret is when you fake it, private is that you are not going to tell them the details. ) And (B.)What one does when one is sad: gets out in the sunshine, cuts back to essential work load, eats good food, and rest when one needs to.

 

You can model for them good self care, honesty, privacy and trust. There might come a time when they are sad about something and start acting weird maybe it will be a private thing for them, but they will have seen how to keep something private, but not be secretive.

 

 

If they come out and ask you what's going, I would definately tell them that you have a grown-up problem that is making you sad, but that you will be okay. I really think acting like nothing's wrong once they sense that it is, can scare them. Most people especailly kids worry, what did I do, and how does this affect me? ( Is someone going to die on me? ARe my parents getting a divorce? )

 

The label "grown-up problem " helped my kids tremendously when we had to end a toxic relationship with our best friends. i had to use it repeatedly and they got it that I wasn't going to tell them what was going on, and that it was, not their fault, not going to affect them.

 

I am not saying don't listen to your answered prayer that you keep it from them. But there may be a really heathy way to do just that and take care of everyone. even you.

 

I am sorry you are grieving, and I wish you peace.

blessings

Christine in al

 

:grouphug: Stephanie, and :iagree: with this post. Kids tend to worry.

 

More :grouphug:

[stephanie]

Well, after much thought I talked to my kids about it. I only told them that mommy had a grown-up problem that I am trying to work out. I told them that I am praying and trying to hear what Jesus wants me to do, but that everything will be ok. Of course I told them it had absolutely nothing to do with them. It must have went well because there were no questions except for, "Can we rent a movie?" They finished it off with big hugs and kisses. Just what I needed.

 

Thank you all again.

[christine in al]

You must have done a beautiful job of " momming", " Can we rent a movie" is a terrific response.

 

Blessings on you and yours.

Christine in al.