MIL really upset DH today.

[Rhonda in TX]

MIL has never liked it when we've disciplined our children in front of her. I'm not talking about spanking them, just getting talked to sternly.

 

Today, at MIL's house, DS had left his shoes right in front of the tree. We were about to open gifts, so they would have been in the way. DH told DS to move his shoes. DS ignored DH, so DH said it again, more forcefully this time (but not yelling). While DH is telling DS the second time, MIL picks up the shoes and moves them, then tells DS not to worry about it. DH pulls DS aside and tells him that he needs to listen to DH and do what he's told. That was the end of it. MIL then pulls DH out of the room and basically chews him out for getting on to DS about the shoes. DH was very upset and actually went outside for awhile. (DS not listening to us is a big issue, so this was not something we felt we could let slide.) It is not new for MIL to try to control the disciplining of our children at her house.

 

We had another incident that same day. DS had asked MIL for a new Nintendo DS for Christmas. He misplaced his awhile ago. I was pretty sure it was in his room somewhere, so I told MIL not to buy him one. So, instead, she buys DD one (DD broke hers over a year ago and has used it, taped up and not working very well), with the intention that DD and DS could "share" it. I nipped that in the bud earlier this week when I told MIL that we had bought DD a new one for Christmas. (she used that broken one for well over a year, and never complained about it). MIL and I almost got into it over the Nintendo DS today. DS was very upset he didn't get one and MIL really wanted to give him the one she had bought. We insisted that carelessness could not be rewarded so easily. She did not give him the Nintendo, but was NOT happy about it. What's bad is that DS knew we were disagreeing with her about this. Sigh...

 

BTW, I came home and spent 5 minutes in DS's room and found his Nintendo DS. Ugh.

 

My MIL is a wonderful woman in many ways, but she does try to undermine our wishes with the kids. It really, really bothers DH. I'm sure he feels that he's being judged as a parent by his mom. :sad:

[newlifemom]

:grouphug:

[jujsky]

Rhonda :grouphug:. We've so been there! My MIL won't pull the stuff with the gifts that your MIL did -- she's very respectful when it comes to what we will and will not allow for our kids for toys. When it comes to discipline, she is the same way as your MIL. She will chew DH out in Russian in front of our son if he disciplines him. Our kids don't speak Russian, but they're smart enough to put two and two together that Babushka yells at Papa right after Papa disciplines Nathan. Our DS also has issues with listening (especially to DH -- he has challenged him since the day we adopted him), so it is a huge deal when she undermines him like that. It has gotten to the point where we've almost left, but FIL always manages to step in and smooth things over. It's frustrating. I don't have a lot of advice, but I have loads of sympathy!

[Joanne]

Arg. That would infuriate me.

[Rhonda in TX]

I know there are people who have bigger problems with their families, but I just really felt bad for DH.

 

I'm hoping that finding DS's DS (that looks funny) shows that we did indeed know what we were talking about.

[brightside]

:grouphug: I had the same issue a few years back over a prepaid cellphone and my then 10 year old. My mother bought him the phone and some minutes, he then lost the charger (it was plugged in, in the power strip of his room) and my MIL bought him another phone and minutes. He then left that phone in the back of our vehicle so long it wouldn't even hold a charge. I was furious because I told them both he did not need a cell phone at 10 and had specifically told my MIL not to replace the cell phone because I knew the charger was in his room. I was told it was her money and she could spend it how she pleased. :001_huh:

[MeanestMomInMidwest]

My MIL cut my daughter's hair.....years ago when she was a toddler and had never before had a haircut. That was the beginning of me biting my tongue.

 

I let MIL do what she wants for the kids (although I'm pretty sure she won't cut hair again). She is, after all, the grandmother. Rules are different at grandma's house. Grandmothers are allowed to spoil the grandchildren. I don't think my parenting will get an epic fail if Grandma does her own thing with the kids, goes against my rules, buys them toys I have refused to buy them, lets them eat carp.

 

Of course, my MIL gets to see my kids infrequently (some months just once, some months a few times). In the grand scheme of parenting, I think I can let Grandma's stuff slide. When she's dead the kids will have good memories of her (even if those same memories make me grit my teeth).

 

ETA: for the record, my mom does that grandma stuff too. We only get to see her twice a year. Last time we were at her house the kids saw the candy dish and asked for a piece. I was about to say, "You may each have one." She said, "Everyone take NINE and stuff your pockets for later." My kids were thrilled. Me, not so much. My mom looked me right in the eye and said, "I'm the Grandma."

Edited December 26, 2009 by MeanestMomInMidwest

[Dayle in Guatemala]

I would be upset!

 

I remember when my dc were little and I was at my parent's house and they acted up and didn't listen. I was putting one of them in a timeout when my mom said, "Oh, they shouldn't be disciplined at gramma's house!" :001_huh: To which I said, "Well then I guess we can't ever come back to gramma's house."

 

I have to remind my mom from time to time that they disciplined us and we turned out okay and I want the same for my dc. It's hard for her because she just wants peace and wants them to be happy. I'm sorry that this situation happened to you all on Christmas.:grouphug:

[Chris in VA]

Sorry you have to deal with this.

It does sound like she's uncomfortable with conflict.

[Rhonda in TX]

We see my MIL regularly, so maybe that makes a difference. The fact that she actually chewed DH out over him requiring DS to pick up his shoes is absolutely ridiculous. We do not need her undermining our efforts to discipline our children. My son is a "give him an inch and he'll take a mile" child. He does not need to think that he can just go to Granny to get what he wants, and ignore us. That is setting up a dangerous precedent for the future.

 

And as far as the new Nintendo DS goes - we were right. He did not need a new one when he had a perfectly good one at home that he just couldn't take the time to look for.

 

I'm all for relaxing a bit at the grandparents, but this was crossing the line.

[HSMom2One]

We see my MIL regularly, so maybe that makes a difference. The fact that she actually chewed DH out over him requiring DS to pick up his shoes is absolutely ridiculous. We do not need her undermining our efforts to discipline our children. My son is a "give him an inch and he'll take a mile" child. He does not need to think that he can just go to Granny to get what he wants, and ignore us. That is setting up a dangerous precedent for the future.

 

And as far as the new Nintendo DS goes - we were right. He did not need a new one when he had a perfectly good one at home that he just couldn't take the time to look for.

 

I'm all for relaxing a bit at the grandparents, but this was crossing the line.

 

Wow, that is certainly the main point. You are right. And your dh is probably so conflicted because he wants to honor his dm, but he also wants her to respect him. Sadly, the whole situation will only be resolved when your dh is ready to take a loving, but firm stand with your mil. This type of thing is not going to go away by itself.

 

Saying a prayer for your family right now.

 

Blessings,

Lucinda

[Tammyla]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[Nestof3]

I see this with both sets of grandparents. Grandparents (typically) do not make good parents, but it would sure be easier sometimes for us to be parents if they would step aside and keep quiet. I know how you feel.

[LinRTX]

I totally disagree with this. Yes you give a bit with the grandparents, but you are still the parents.

 

I have been known to tell my children in front of the grandparents that to disobey my rules would bring discipline.

 

The grandparents will say but I gave them permission.

 

My answer is that then they are the cause of the discipline. Do they want that because my rules will be obeyed.

[HSMom2One]

I see this with both sets of grandparents. Grandparents (typically) do not make good parents, but it would sure be easier sometimes for us to be parents if they would step aside and keep quiet. I know how you feel.

 

Ouch! I'm a grandparent and am having a hard time understanding exactly what you mean here. :D I am of the opinion that MOST grandparents do the right thing by their grandchildren.

 

BTW - I adopted and am raising my biological grandchild. I have been her mommy since she was a baby, but then of course we were dealing with a rebellious teen age marriage that was complicated by drug and alcohol addiction.

 

Blessings,

Lucinda

[Danestress]

My kids see their grandmothers all the time, and I do some tongue biting for sure. I don't say much about the abundance of sweets and television, for example. I don't try to control much about how they spend their time with my children. We had a great relationship.

 

But if a grandmother chastised me making my child pick his shoes up, she'd probably get a healthy dose of "butt out and mind your own business" and she'd probably get a double portion from DH. I can't imagine that actually happening, but if it did, I expect I would not like it one bit. That's just a respecting boundaries issue. When I am parenting, I am the parent. I am not a controlling person, and I am willing to led grandparents do their own thing, but I am not willing to let them dictate how I discipline, and I think this is a mother who needs to hear form her son that he's really not interested in her every opinion on parenting and that she needs to back off and respect him as a man.

[Nestof3]

That's why I qualified it by "typically." There are exceptions, but every grandparent I've met admits that it's more fun having grandchildren than children, that they let a lot more slide than when they were parents, and many indicate that they have a hard time not interfering with the way a parent is parenting.

 

I've seen this many times from experience, and there have been many books written on the subject.

 

It is as common as inlaws having a hard time not voicing their opinions about their children's spouses.

 

Ouch! I'm a grandparent and am having a hard time understanding exactly what you mean here. :D I am of the opinion that MOST grandparents do the right thing by their grandchildren.

 

BTW - I adopted and am raising my biological grandchild. I have been her mommy since she was a baby, but then of course we were dealing with a rebellious teen age marriage that was complicated by drug and alcohol addiction.

 

Blessings,

Lucinda

[HSMom2One]

That's why I qualified it by "typically." There are exceptions, but every grandparent I've met admits that it's more fun having grandchildren than children, that they let a lot more slide than when they were parents, and many indicate that they have a hard time not interfering with the way a parent is parenting.

 

I've seen this many times from experience, and there have been many books written on the subject.

 

It is as common as inlaws having a hard time not voicing their opinions about their children's spouses.

 

With all due respect, I know that this is sometimes the case, but I don't agree that most grandparents go as far as the op's mil, overstepping boundaries and interfering with the parent's decisions. I think you may be over generalizing a bit with these claims. Most families that I have known in my 50+ years of living have very positive, wonderful relationships between children and grandparents. Grandparents are a huge blessing to most children!

 

The fun part about being a grandparent is that you are no longer responsible to make all the decisions and do the disciplining, you can turn them over to their parents for those things. That does not mean, however, that you try to overrule or undermine the parents of your grandchildren.

 

Blessings,

Lucinda

[elfgivas]

well, it seems as if your dh can say something to her at a time when its not in the heat of the moment, and remind her of how she would have felt if that scenario had happened to her and request that she not question him in front of the kids, or you smile sweetly, go to a peaceful place in your head and think that it will all be over before you know it.... that, and tea and chocolate should do it ;);)

 

(i'm not making light of it, truly. my dmil tempts the dc to do things she knows are not permitted. we've had to practice with them to say "just a minute and i'll check with mum/dad"... i go to my peaceful place many many times in a day.... and my dear mum contradicted my dh only once over discipline... it took almost a year to recover from, but he was very clear that he was the dad and what he said went. i'm glad i haven't had to live through that one again! if i had a do-over, it would have been better done at a neutral time....)

 

fwiw,

ann

[BakersDozen]

But if a grandmother chastised me making my child pick his shoes up, she'd probably get a healthy dose of "butt out and mind your own business" and she'd probably get a double portion from DH. I can't imagine that actually happening, but if it did, I expect I would not like it one bit. That's just a respecting boundaries issue. When I am parenting, I am the parent. I am not a controlling person, and I am willing to led grandparents do their own thing, but I am not willing to let them dictate how I discipline, and I think this is a mother who needs to hear form her son that he's really not interested in her every opinion on parenting and that she needs to back off and respect him as a man.

:iagree: I read the OP to my dh and he said just this - that his mom would have been told in no uncertain terms that she was wrong, that she was encouraging our ds in his disobedience and disrespect of our authority, and if she isn't going to help us raise our dc in the right way then she'd better be quiet and back off. When his mom argued with him (which she would in front of everyone) my dh would quietly tell us to get our coats and shoes and we would leave (yes, even if it was Xmas). But my mil is the worst of the worst when it comes to boundaries and challenging our authority as parents. A grandparent can indulge a grandchild (spoiling goes a bit far, IMO) but when indulging equates with encouraging a dc to disobey their parents, that is never OK. If my dc's grandparents cannot help us raise our dc instead of working against us, they don't see the grandkids (and yes, we did just that for about 2 years until my mil realized we were serious and weren't going to back down).

 

Sorry...almost 14 years of putting up with the mil from h*ll makes me a little passionate about this subject.

 

ETA: If this was a one-time thing my dh would have quietly addressed it with his mom at a later time (and our ds would have had a good "talking to" as well perhaps with some other creative things thrown in). But if it is ongoing and we saw the grandparents regularly, we would deal with it immediately and firmly.

Edited December 28, 2009 by LuvnMySvn

[LibraryLover]

I watched a couple do some awful parenting this Christmas. The MIL stayed out of it, but I know she was upset. We were all churning, as the families of origin are very gentle.

 

It's hard to say nothing when people are being rough with small children for small reasons. I think it will be hard to be a grandparent someday. If my children ever see the need to talk harshly to small children for minor incidences I will know i failed them emotionally.

 

Of course,my own children mentioned it later. "How can anyone talk to young children in that tone? What is the point?" was the exact phrasing my 10 yr old used. There is simply no reason to be rough.

 

PS I am not saying the OP was rough. I am saying that things that seem normal in one home can seem very wrong in another.

Edited December 28, 2009 by LibraryLover

[Nestof3]

Lucinda,

 

I also did not say that most grandparents overstep their boundaries as in the OP's example. Based on experience and stories from many other people I know, though, many grandparents have shown disapproval of parents' choices, questioning of parents' decisions, and have a much more difficult time when the child shows disappointment.

 

My grandmother had to live with her inlaws when my Dad was young. My grandfather was raised very strictly by his parents, but when his grandchildren were living with them, he spoiled them -- let them get away with so much more than he was able to get away with.

 

When Aaron was young, we were visiting my inlaws. Being used to her doling dessert out throughout the day, Aaron asked if he could have candy at breakfast. I said no. She actually took him into the cellar stairway and gave him the candy.

 

My Dad gets very upset if we send one of the boys to his room if he's been rude or whatever to cool off. My Dad's actually walked out of the house and driven home before if we've been firm with one of them. Trust me, things were much different when I was the child.

 

Ben wanted to earn money, so my mom hired him to do some cleaning at her house. Nathan went along. She felt bad that he didn't get any money, so she paid him to rewind and put the videos in their cases. He didn't ask for work or pay, but she didn't like the "unfairness" of it. All other times, she's complaining that they never put their videos away -- threatening that the next time they come over, they won't be able to watch a video if they don't put the movies away the last time. She's never followed through with it because she cannot bear to see them disappointed.

 

Those are just experiences within my own family.

 

With all due respect, I know that this is sometimes the case, but I don't agree that most grandparents go as far as the op's mil, overstepping boundaries and interfering with the parent's decisions. I think you may be over generalizing a bit with these claims. Most families that I have known in my 50+ years of living have very positive, wonderful relationships between children and grandparents. Grandparents are a huge blessing to most children!

 

The fun part about being a grandparent is that you are no longer responsible to make all the decisions and do the disciplining, you can turn them over to their parents for those things. That does not mean, however, that you try to overrule or undermine the parents of your grandchildren.

 

Blessings,

Lucinda

[Nestof3]

I'm sure it can be difficult to see a parent do something contrary to what we would do.

 

I saw nothing wrong with the OP expecting her son to do as he was instructed.

 

I watched a couple do some awful parenting this Christmas. The MIL stayed out of it, but I know she was upset. We were all churning, as the families of origin are very gentle.

 

It's hard to say nothing when people are being rough with small children for small reasons. I think it will be hard to be a grandparent someday. If my children ever see the need to talk harshly to small children for minor incidences I will know i failed them emotionally.

 

Of course,my own children mentioned it later. "How can anyone talk to young children in that tone? What is the point?" was the exact phrasing my 10 yr old used. There is simply no reason to be rough.

 

PS I am not saying the OP was rough. I am saying that things that seem normal in one home can seem very wrong in another.

[LibraryLover]

Dawn, i think it's because grandparents realize they over- reacted when they were younger. Some want to spare their gchildren the pain they forced on their own children.

 

But that's not something they can do. Parents do what they think is best and only years later do some see that perhaps their parents were right. This is where the phrase 'don't sweat the small stuff' probably originates.;)

 

I listen to my mother. She knows. I respect her knowing. Her knowing has made me a much kinder parent.

[Petie]

You know, my mother lives with us, and I actually have to deal with this often. She likes to spoil the kids. I have found that reminding her of her time as the mom helps. Usually I just say something like, "Mom, when I was young, what would you have done if I would have_____?" And then kindly explain that, "I'm the mom now and you need to respect that I'm going to discipline them when they act up. If you can't, then you are free to leave the room when I do." Alot of times turning it around on them helps, "Mom what would you have done if I did that and grandma yelled at you for correcting me?"

[Nestof3]

I agree in the sense that I parent our younger ones differently than our eldest because I've learned so much more along the way. Though my parents have much they can teach me, I still disagree them on many issues. My parents were (and still are) non-communicators. I explain to Aaron why I am dealing with Ben differently than I dealt with him.

 

Dawn, i think it's because grandparents realize they over- reacted when they were younger. Some want to spare their gchildren the pain they forced on their own children.

 

But that's not something they can do. Parents do what they think is best and only years later do some see that perhaps their parents were right. This is where the phrase 'don't sweat the small stuff' probably originates.;)

 

I listen to my mother. She knows. I respect her knowing. Her knowing has made me a much kinder parent.

[gevs4him]

:grouphug: I do feel for you, but life is so short is it really worth the upsetment. I would suck it up and take my children to a alone spot to correct instead of in front of MIL. ;)

 

Lisa

[LibraryLover]

I'm sure it can be difficult to see a parent do something contrary to what we would do.

 

I saw nothing wrong with the OP expecting her son to do as he was instructed.

 

I didn't say the OP was wrong.

 

What sounds right and good to one person can sound very wrong to another.

 

I can't imagine my dh being rough about something like this or even caring. I could, however see him being concerned about tone. I am much more volatile than he is, fi.

 

If one isn't used to 'tone' or commands, it can sound very harsh. No child was hit at our Christmas, but the tone was extremely upsetting to a number of us.

 

Maybe the OP mother is a toxic jerk. I am not defending her in the least.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I believe that there are some Biblical principles that we should follow when raising our children. Now different families will use their own judgment and wisdom in applying those principles to their own situation. My parents happened to believe in those same principles. When there is a difference of opinion between my parents and I (or is it 'me'?), it is usually because of how we apply it. And usually it is because in order to protect our children's privacy, we haven't given them all the information they would really know to apply all these principles on a daily basis.

 

We ate out with my parents one day. My mom started to get after my ds for not eating some of his food. What she didn't know was that at the time we were dealing with a medical issue with him involving food. It wasn't the time and place, at a public restaurant in front of the child in question, to explain to her all the issues. I had to quietly ask her to trust us to deal with the situation since we knew all the facts necessary to deal with it.

 

The OP's MIL did not know all the facts about the character issues they were dealing with etc. She may have heard about some of it but sometimes we tend to dismiss what we haven't seen in action day in and day out. That's why the parents, when they are on the premises, should be the ones making the decisions. There are times when we leave our kids with the grandparents and then those are the times when they are the "go to" person for the children. But even then they should realize that they don't know the whole situation and so should not try to resolve big things that could wait until the parents come home. (That, incidentally is one reason why it is a different situation when the grandparents are the ones raising the child. In that case, they do know the background information necessary to make decisions).

Edited December 28, 2009 by Jean in Newcastle