Situation with my dss and his public middle school. Ugh.

[*********]

So this might get long, I apologize...

 

My stepson is 12, and in 7th grade. He goes to a public middle school. He is short for his age, and around the 75th percentile for weight. He's embarassed/very private about his body. I imagine that's not unusual for boys his age, and he's starting puberty. I stress healthy eating and moderation with him, but dh and I have never said anything to him about his weight, or told him he was fat, or whatever. I imagine he's picked these things up from school, tv, whatnot.

 

Anyway, he has gym class at school. And right now, they're doing swimming. Well, dss is not at all comfortable with being in just swim trunks in front of everyone else. So much so that the first two days, he just took a zero for class because he refused to change. Then his mom finally called my dh to tell him what was going on. So dh talkes to dss, tells him that while dss should have spoken with us when he was *just here for four days, dh will call the school and help him out.

 

Ok, so dh call's dss' counselor, and the counselor says they'll 'find something else' for dss to do during swimming. That was two days ago. Well apparently today the principal decides that he can't just let dss 'get away' with not wanting to swim, that it would set a bad precident (sp) or whatever. So dss can keep his shirt on, but on Monday, he must swim with the rest of the class.

 

I don't know what to do. This was our 'off' week with dh's kids, so they came over for dinner last night, and we don't see them again until Thursday, so it's not like dh and I can have a sit down talk with dss. Dss' mother is manic/depressive, and just got married, and is (according to what dss and dsd told dh and I last night), screaming at everyone all the time. So she just wants dss to basically suck it up, shut up, and do what the school wants him to so he won't be a bother to her. Ugh, I hate to say that, but that's the situation.

 

What can dh and I do? Dss is just 12. He doesn't want to be the only kid in the pool with his shirt on. I mean, come on, like that won't get you picked on, right? He has to take gym, for state requirements.

 

Dss is such a sweet boy. He's just got such a chaotic life at his mom's house, that it breaks my heart. Ugh. I don't know what to do to help.

 

I don't even really know what I'm asking. I guess I just see my precious 12 year old stepson being beaten down by his ps that he hates, and it tears me up. Middle school is so awful. I don't know what to do for him.

[gingersmom]

Can you get a doctor to write a note to excuse him from swim class?

 

I had swimming in high school and there was zero chance of me getting into a bathing suit and getting in a pool with my fellow students (I was convinced at the time some never showered).

 

We had a close family friend who was a dermatologist and I went to him and pleaded with him to write me a note. He did and I was able to do something else at gym time (I think I went to the weight room or something like that).

[amy g.]

I don't know what you can do, but I'm so sorry that any child is in that situation.

[HRAAB]

I'm really sorry he's going through that. It made me remember how traumatized I was with gym class in 9th grade. We were required to shower; we received points that counted towards our final grade based on showering. There were no separate showers. I was absolutely mortified. I could not shower with all those other girls. I'm not exaggerating when I say I felt traumatized over it. I told my mom and dad, they backed me up, and went to my gym teacher. She told them I had a problem and needed to get over it. Long story short, I did not shower but it brought down my grade and gpa.

 

I don't really have any advice except to let your stepson know he is not alone, there is nothing wrong with feeling modest. With his mother having issues right now, he certainly needs your support and love. Sorry you're going through this.

[WiseOwlKnits]

Having worked in the public school system, my best advice would be to be the squeaky wheel. Keep calling the principal and tell him that you won't take no for an answer - especially since you were already told that they'd figure out something else for him to do.

 

Another option - what about getting DS a new swimsuit? He could get a rashie so it would at least all look like a swimsuit instead of just keeping his shirt on. And since they're swimming in the winter, a rashie would probably help keep him warmer too (not that it might matter, but it's a good excuse he could use). If you don't know what a rashie is, here's one.

 

I'm sorry he's going through this. I taught middle school and it's such a tough age to be in public school. :(

[*********]

Well, he does have both eczema and asthma. So that's a possibility. But I don't want to lie. That's not something we'd model for our son. Maybe I'll go googling and see if chlorine aggavates eczema or something. I guess that could be considered 'creative problem solving', right?

[Anne in CA]

I don't have a good solution, I just wanted to say I'm sorry. I have BTDT with this sort of situation, and believe it or not, step children often want empathy more than anything. He would love it if you could solve the problem, yes, but mostly he probably will get a lot of comfort from the fact that you care when so much of his world is chaotic.

[amy g.]

Eczema can definitely be aggravated by chlorine. I'll never forget the absence excuse note my dad wrote for me in High School.

 

"Please excuse Genevieve. Her equilibrium was disrupted."

 

No one said a word about it, and it did not teach me to lie.

[iluvmy4blessings]

I wish I had an answer for this. I remember how traumatizing gym class was for me in middle school. I literally hated it and would have preferred to take an F over it many times. I feel horrible that he is going through this and wish I had an answer! Like you mentioned, the shirt will just get more attention on him so it's hard to say what to do. I wish you luck.

[elegantlion]

IDK that's a hard one. I hated junior high gym class. My teacher was the mother of a girl that used to tease me in elementary school. I wasn't overweight but I was uncoordinated and had undiagnosed exercise induced asthma. Gym class was torture for me. So I can empathize with his situation.

 

However I would tread carefully (no pun intended). If you allow him to get out of swimming because he is uncomfortable about his appearance what precedent does it set? Will he use it as a crutch to get out of things in the future? Is that telling him that he can't conquer swimming because he's doesn't want to wear a shirt?

 

I don't want to sound harsh, but this might be something I would have my ds work through (my ds is 12 too, I know the changes and the emotions). I think it's easy to feel like we "hide" in our clothes and when we are exposed we feel like all of our flaws are more visible. (thinking of my own swimsuit hangups). Swimming would be great exercise and I think sitting out would only give his detractors more fodder for teasing.

 

Have him wear a shirt, there's nothing wrong with that and if he is the only one so be it. Encourage and love him and build him up. I never told my parents about some of the ridicule I took from my gym teacher. I wish I had. They probably would have helped me stand a little taller and be proud of who I was, not who the gym teacher perceived me to be.

 

:grouphug: It's tough to see our guys in distress, especially when it only seems like yesterday they were little boys.

[TheCoffeeChick]

Well, he does have both eczema and asthma. So that's a possibility. But I don't want to lie. That's not something we'd model for our son. Maybe I'll go googling and see if chlorine aggavates eczema or something. I guess that could be considered 'creative problem solving', right?

 

Swimming is HORRIBLE for eczema, but it is actually beneficial for asthma (think warm, moist air) -- I have both. Swimming makes my skin turn into one big itchy, red sore.

 

I feel for him - I don't like swimming, I have a weird fear of putting my head under water. We had swimming in 10th grade at my school and it was very amazing at how many girls got out of it with the excuse of it being their time of the month. :glare: I still swam, but took a lower grade because I wouldn't put my head under.

 

I hope you find a solution.

[Sputterduck]

Poor boy. :(

 

Too bad he's not a girl. I got out of swimming due to my period.

 

To this day, I'm so thankful that no one ever showered in gym. I would have refused. We all changed in the bathroom stalls so no one had to be naked in front of anyone else.

[*********]

Paula, I tend to agree with you. He may have to just suck it up, wear his shirt, and swim. But.

 

The hard part is that I can't be there every day to encourage him. I'm his encourager. I make it a point to be the one my stepkids can come to for a hug, or an encouragement, when they need it. And he needs extra right now. Today. And all next week. And he'll be at his mom's house. Which he described to his dad on the way to our house on Thursday as 'yelling all the time'.

 

So I just want to help him get out of this one because I can't be there to support him through it. Does that make sense?

[elegantlion]

Paula, I tend to agree with you. He may have to just suck it up, wear his shirt, and swim. But.

 

The hard part is that I can't be there every day to encourage him. I'm his encourager. I make it a point to be the one my stepkids can come to for a hug, or an encouragement, when they need it. And he needs extra right now. Today. And all next week. And he'll be at his mom's house. Which he described to his dad on the way to our house on Thursday as 'yelling all the time'.

 

So I just want to help him get out of this one because I can't be there to support him through it. Does that make sense?

 

Yes, that totally makes sense. Tough decision, we never had swim class, but track was my nemesis.

[Karen_OK]

:iagree:I agree with Elegant Lion. Even though this experience may be unpleasant, avoiding it, is sure to make things worse with his peers.

[ThatCyndiGirl]

In one way I could see the "he just needs to suck it up and deal with it" feeling, but....

 

I think that, in general, middle schools tend to exacerbate that middle school adolescent angst when they force stuff like this. (naked group showering, swimming, etc.)

 

Maybe he COULD work past this issue....on his own terms, at his own pace, but not in a forced group situation.

 

OP, I'm glad that he has you as his advocate/encourager!~ :001_smile:

[Renee in NC]

What happens if he just takes zeros for all of swim class? Are they going to flunk him for the year because he won't swim in front of others?

 

My 11yo would take the zeros and I would let him. It is *his* body!

[*********]

What happens if he just takes zeros for all of swim class? Are they going to flunk him for the year because he won't swim in front of others?

 

My 11yo would take the zeros and I would let him. It is *his* body!

 

Renee, this was kind of my reaction, too. :) But if he just refuses to participate every day that they have swimming, then I think it just might bring his grade down enough that he wouldn't pass the class. I don't know for sure.

[Renee in NC]

:iagree:I agree with Elegant Lion. Even though this experience may be unpleasant, avoiding it, is sure to make things worse with his peers.

 

If they are going to pick on him, they will pick on him. If he swims, it will be because he is overweight and they will make fun of him. If he doesn't, they'll come up with something else.

 

This is another reason I homeschool. Yes, we have to learn to deal with difficult people in this world. When was the last time (general) you were audibly harassed for your weight, your looks, your voice, etc.?

 

If you knew that when you took your shirt off that you were going to hear nasty comments from the people around you about your fat, your skin color, or anything else, would you subject yourself to it? Probably not. Adults have WAY more options to make decisions for themselves than children.

 

This is not preparation for the real world. Learning to work through fears is important, but this is not the time for that.

[Renee in NC]

Renee, this was kind of my reaction, too. :) But if he just refuses to participate every day that they have swimming, then I think it just might bring his grade down enough that he wouldn't pass the class. I don't know for sure.

 

What happens if he doesn't pass PE? Yes, it is a required class, but what is the standard for grade promotion? Does he have to pass PE to go to the next grade?

[SquirrellyMama]

What happens if he just takes zeros for all of swim class? Are they going to flunk him for the year because he won't swim in front of others?

 

My 11yo would take the zeros and I would let him. It is *his* body!

 

I took zeros for most of gymnastics when we did that in PE. I could not do a cartwheel, flip, headstand, etc... and I wasn't going to embarass myself trying. Luckily here was a group of us one year which made it much easier.

[*********]

Oh my goodness.

 

Ok, the phone just rang.

 

It was my stepson's counselor. Stepson is in his office, crying, and he's supposed to be in swim class right now.

 

I don't know what to do.

 

Counselor was calling looking for my dh, but I got counselor to put dss on the phone, and I got to talk to him. I told him that dad and I support him, and that we love him, and that he doesn't have to do anything with his body that he doesn't want to.

 

I'm not sure what this is all about, but I feel like my stepson really needs dh and I to back him up on this. I realize in the grand scheme of life, that gym swim class isn't all that big of a deal. But right now, it's dss' whole world.

Edited December 4, 2009 by bethanyniez

[amy g.]

I really think that you can not go wrong telling a child that he is in charge of his own body.

[Only me]

I wish I had an answer but I wanted to let you know that I can relate. I was very petite for my age as a freshman in high school but we had to take swim class. The smallest swimsuit was still way too big for me and I had to constantly hold it up. It was so embarrassing because several times it would slip off my shoulders and I would be exposed. The teacher would not let me wear my own suit or a t-shirt. I wish my parents stepped in. They were great parents but just didn't have a clue how to handle this and didn't want to "make waves" with the school.

 

I can understand about not letting him get out of everything that he is uncomfortable with but this is such a short time in his life. I would really try to see if there is another alternative.

[C_l_e_0..Q_c]

You could get him a swim shirt. They're shirts made with the same material as a swim suit. They're used by kids who get too cold in the water, or those who want protection from the sun when swimming outside.

They are also known as rash guards http://www.buy-rash-guards.com/ (just a random link on the net to show you what I'm talking about)

[*********]

Ladies, what would I do without you. :001_smile:

 

I just got off the phone with dss' pediatrician, and I will be picking up a note tomorrow morning that dss shouldn't be swimming because of his eczema. It's cold where we are, and his hands *are already cracking between his fingers. He and I were talking about it this past weekend. But that's not the real reason why he doesn't want to swim, so it feels kinda not truthful. I don't like this at. all. But I talked to his counselor, and all the other electives are full, there's no other class to get him transfered to. His counselor even said 'you know, the only way to sit out of gym is with a doctor's note'. As in like, um, hey, we're all trying to help {kid} here, why don't you call his doctor. He asked me if I wanted to speak to the principal, and I said, no, I think I'll call his pediatrician.

 

One of those unspoken yet spoken things, you know?

 

Ugh. What a day. I didn't even know before today that chlorine was bad for eczema. I guess you learn something new every day.

Edited December 4, 2009 by bethanyniez
forgot that I don't use real names, duh.

[Kate in Arabia]

I would not allow my boys to swim without a shirt, and they wear swim trunks that come down to the knee. Like previous posters have mentioned, mine wear swim shirts that I got at Target when we were in the States. Last year their swim instructor was an Australian man, and he always wore swim shirts in the pool.

 

If your dss is going to try the class, I'd invest in a good-looking swim shirt, maybe he'll feel more comfortable?

[zaichiki]

So much so that the first two days, he just took a zero for class because he refused to change.

 

Honestly, when you're in school you have to follow school rules. How many days of swimming do they have? If it's important enough to him not to wear the suit in public, perhaps he can just take the zeros. It will obviously affect his grade, but unless they're swimming all quarter, it probably won't be horrible. If he fails gym one quarter, but gets better grades for the rest, he won't fail for the year and there will really be no long lasting effects. Right?

 

(I'd ask the dss what HE wants to do.)

 

ETA: I responded before reading the entire thread. That'll teach me. I'm glad your dss won't be forced to swim. I hear you about the doctor's note feeling dishonest, though. That's a tough spot, isn't it?

Edited December 4, 2009 by zaichiki

[mommaduck]

It's not dishonest. Basically, he wants out due to one reason, counselor knows that, but they can only excuse him for another reason, one that does exist. So getting a note for THAT reason is not dishonest :) It's just the way it is.

[*********]

I hear you about the doctor's note feeling dishonest, though. That's a tough spot, isn't it?

 

Yes, it is.

 

It's not dishonest. Basically, he wants out due to one reason, counselor knows that, but they can only excuse him for another reason, one that does exist. So getting a note for THAT reason is not dishonest :) It's just the way it is.

 

I know. You're right. I guess I think it will just 'look' bad. Like 'well, you wouldn't let him not swim because he was too modest, so now he doesn't have to because his doctor says so'.

 

Maybe I should just not care what some public school employees think, and just worry about how my stepson is doing. :)

[Tammyla]

I'm glad he had you in his corner. Get the note, forget the guilt.

[mommaduck]

Maybe I should just not care what some public school employees think, and just worry about how my stepson is doing. :)

Precisely. They don't give a flip about the individual's need to modesty, privacy, etc. So you have to do what you can in the situation.

[jenL]

Precisely. They don't give a flip about the individual's need to modesty, privacy, etc. So you have to do what you can in the situation.

 

 

:iagree: I agree, especially since if they did care, these rules surrounding swimming would not be in effect in the first place.

 

Do not feel guilty about the dr. note. It's the truth, that was learned while attempting to deal with the problem. I'm so glad your dss has you!

[Mama Bear]

Oh my goodness.

 

Ok, the phone just rang.

 

It was my stepson's counselor. Stepson is in his office, crying, and he's supposed to be in swim class right now.

 

I don't know what to do.

 

Counselor was calling looking for my dh, but I got counselor to put dss on the phone, and I got to talk to him. I told him that dad and I support him, and that we love him, and that he doesn't have to do anything with his body that he doesn't want to.

 

I'm not sure what this is all about, but I feel like my stepson really needs dh and I to back him up on this. I realize in the grand scheme of life, that gym swim class isn't all that big of a deal. But right now, it's dss' whole world.

 

Good for you. I think I'd get the dr.'s note if I could, because middle school is an artificial environment, period. If he can't hack this, he *can't* -- he doesn't have the tools he needs to pull this off, especially if life at the other house is fractious.

 

Lay it out for the school if you must. I'd die on this hill if I had to -- explaining that he won't be "getting away" with anything, but that he does need at least one safe space in his life and you're prepared to make that space out of spit and baling twine if you must. And then, come summer or vacations, I'd find him a different setting for swim lessons, trading skills with another mom or whatever if $ is an issue (and when isn't it?). But I would make. this. happen. He needs to be safe with you all and he needs to face the fears seperately. Swimming and getting nekkid in front of peers shouldn't combine to become The Insurmountable Thing, kwim?

 

:grouphug: Glad those kids have you.

[OHGrandma]

Ladies, what would I do without you. :001_smile:

 

I just got off the phone with dss' pediatrician, and I will be picking up a note tomorrow morning that dss shouldn't be swimming because of his eczema. It's cold where we are, and his hands *are already cracking between his fingers. He and I were talking about it this past weekend. But that's not the real reason why he doesn't want to swim, so it feels kinda not truthful. I don't like this at. all. But I talked to his counselor, and all the other electives are full, there's no other class to get him transfered to. His counselor even said 'you know, the only way to sit out of gym is with a doctor's note'. As in like, um, hey, we're all trying to help {kid} here, why don't you call his doctor. He asked me if I wanted to speak to the principal, and I said, no, I think I'll call his pediatrician.

 

One of those unspoken yet spoken things, you know?

 

Ugh. What a day. I didn't even know before today that chlorine was bad for eczema. I guess you learn something new every day.

 

Speaking as someone who suffers and I mean SUFFERS from eczema in the cold, THANK YOU for getting him a doctors excuse!

[msjones]

I'm glad something worked out. Poor guy.

 

If I were you, I'd plan ahead now for the next swimming event (party, vacation, whatever...) by shopping for a suit and swim shirt (rash guard) that he feels comfortable wearing.

 

Then maybe go swimming as a family. Then he'll know that it's not too terrible, and the next time won't be quite so difficult. He'll have a suit he likes, he'll have tried it out in a comfortable situation...and maybe he'll feel ready to try out swimming with friends or classmates next time.