Consequences for chores undone?

[melmichigan]

What are fair consequences for chores left undone? Of my four of chore "age", two refuse to do them correctly and in a timely manner. I vowed if that is all we do this week they will learn how to do them and do them right. We have spent the last week going through how to complete the tasks as asked, with my DH and I doing all the cleaning. Today was the first day for them to do the chores. No priviledges, no TV, no video games/electronics of any kind, no outside until the daily chores were done. Here it is almost 6pm and two of them haven't finished. The oldest hasn't even managed to load the dishwasher in the last 3-4 hours she has been playing around at doing it. The third and fourth DC are long done and have helped with other things simply because they can't do much else. So obviously taking things away isn't working for these two, they could care less. Please give me ideas!

 

We won't even discuss that I can't see the floor in their rooms, and after cleaning them last time I have sworn I will no longer do that either. I cannot do everything in a house of 7. :lol: Oh, my DC are DD10, DD6, DD6, DD4 and my youngest DS1.

[KrissiK]

Dr. Kevin Lehman ("How to Have a New Kid by Friday")has an interesting fix for that. He said, if Johnny doesn't do his chores, or he's sloppy about it, then have his sibling Susie do the chore for him, but Johnny has to pay Susie out of his own money for doing his chore for him. Kind of like hiring it out. Or, you do the chore and Johnny has to pay you. I haven't tried that, since my kids still don't really know the value of a dollar or the purchasing power they have in their piggy banks, but I thought that was an interesting idea.

[Melissa in Australia]

have you ever read the book, 'bringing up boys' by dobson? I realize you have daughters, but it has some great ideas in it.

there was one example where a boy wouldn't drink his milk, even when threatened with punishment. then his father turned it into a challenge, he poured a cup of milk for himself, and said race you , who can finish first. the son drank his milk down in a flash, and then asked can they do it again.

this can be applied to chores as well, have a challenge who can get their chores done first, whoever comes first gets a prize like being the first on the computer, or picking what is for desert, or getting a star on a chart for a bigger prize. It works really well.

[Sputterduck]

Sometimes you have to stick with it until they get it.

 

Let the two who did their chores already play and have fun. Don't let the others, even if it goes on for days. That's what I would do. I've had two incidents like this with my son, once with putting clothes away and once with weeds. Normally he loves to help and work, but I think he was testing his boundaries. Putting his clothes away took all day, and the weeds took him days to actually get to work, but I haven't had a problem with him since. He is now an efficient and happy little worker and he is only 5.

[melmichigan]

I'm sure they are testing, both are very strong willed and are waiting for me to cave and do it myself. Especially since once is supposed to be cleaning the living room (DD6), so no one can watch TV until she's done and the other is on kitchen duty (DD10) so we can't do anything there until she's done!

[Pink Fairy]

Around here that would earn a loss of privilege, but it sounds like you've already tried that. One of our backups is writing lines, something like "I will do my work properly, without whining or dawdling." Writing it 100 times leaves an impression. I think that would be fine for a ten year old. A six year old could write "I will do my work."

 

The other thing we do is give MORE work, but I usually save that for excessive whining. Good luck!

[Sputterduck]

I'm sure they are testing, both are very strong willed and are waiting for me to cave and do it myself. Especially since once is supposed to be cleaning the living room (DD6), so no one can watch TV until she's done and the other is on kitchen duty (DD10) so we can't do anything there until she's done!

 

Do something fun with everyone else! They need to see they are missing out by stalling.

[Melissa in Australia]

I'm sure they are testing, both are very strong willed and are waiting for me to cave and do it myself. Especially since once is supposed to be cleaning the living room (DD6), so no one can watch TV until she's done and the other is on kitchen duty (DD10) so we can't do anything there until she's done!

I would yell out something like 'first one finished gets an ice cream, but you have to be finished in 10 minutes" start the stove timer and go to the other side of the house.

or you could do a "ping" ( like in ping the duck) last one finished gets a spank and sent to bed.

[Melissa in Australia]

Do something fun with everyone else! They need to see they are missing out by stalling.

 

that might work !

[Haiku]

Let the ones who finished play and do whatever and have the ones who won't complete their chores sit at the dining room table until they are ready to work.

 

Tara

[Cera]

I would just wait them out, they will figure it out eventually. Until they do their day consists of school and chores. My 5 year old doesn't really have assigned chores but I expect her to help out if I ask her to load or unload the dishwasher, vacuum for me, put laundry away, etc. She has learned very quickly that if I ask she should help because she will sit next to the work to be done until it is done (and done correctly). Is there something fun you could do with the ones who are done that the others would be disappointed to miss out on?

[melmichigan]

My other DD6 is in the tub with her youngest brother, a coveted thing and the other DS is playing the Leapster since his work is done....

[Jane]

I'm a simpleton, I assign extra chores for neglected work.

[Aubrey]

It depends on the size of the chore & the kind of delay. When ds8 & dd6 have a big mess to clean up--say their room looks like a cyclone--that's a huge job, & they get overwhelmed, whiny, & ultimately, distracted.

 

I sit in there w/ them if I can. I cheerfully (sometimes) tell them to pick up *any* 10 things in 10 seconds (Mom Seconds--I'm counting, & can slow down or speed up as necessary). This helps them to focus on picking up what they know where goes FIRST. And after 30 seconds or so, the room is much more manageable. We can see, for ex, that the crayons & clothes are the big problem. So then I'll tell them to ea pick up 5 pieces of clothes in 10 sec ( or 3 pieces or 15 sec, whatever). Teeny little fly lady blips.

 

They *always* get 10+ in 10 sec. If not, & they were working hard, no problem. Start over. (We start over either way.) Usually, it becomes a game, & they announce how many things they got picked up--25ish.

 

Dawdling, whining, complaining, staring into space=pushups. 5-20, depending on the nature of the offense. 5 is usually enough to snap them out of whatever, & it helps us both stay a little more positive. I'm not so good w/ spankings, time-outs, more chores, etc. Things pile up & I get angry.

 

HTH!

[myfunnybunch]

I think the oldest, at 10, is certainly ready for some consequences for not completing chores: Loss of privilege, re-do chores done incorrectly, additional chores on top of the regular chores.... If you've just started putting your foot down it may take some time for them to realize that you're serious. It may not happen today or tomorrow.

 

I'd be cautious about turning chores into a punishment/consequences issue with a 6 y.o., though. Especially a strong-willed six. You risk making chores into a power struggle instead of one of those things we do, like brushing teeth. At 6 my children weren't ready for an independent multi-task chore like cleaning an entire room. Independent tasks for the younger kids might be a series of short simple tasks like: Pick up toys, Clean door handles and light switches, Sweep under the table, Empty trash cans. For many children, especially young ones, a multi-step task like "Clean the living room" can be overwhelming even if they've been told how to do each step. It really depends on the individual child, too. My just-9 guy struggles with cleaning a room alone; my almost 7 has been able to do it since he was 5.

 

I'd also be cautious about turning their undone chores into a punishment for the whole family. Maybe those particular children need to be assigned different chores so that you're not punishing yourself right along with them. :)

 

Ideas....

 

Work together. Can everyone clean the kitchen together, then the living room together? My children love it when we make cleaning a team challenge. I have gotten way more willing and speedy work out of my kids when we started "The Saturday Cleaning Challenge." We work together to see how much we can get done in half an hour.

 

Someone on this forum posted this link:

http://www.chorewars.com

What a delight. We've been having fun racking up points.

 

Make sure your expectations are reasonable. By that I am not implying that they're not, since I have no idea, but make sure to check your ideas of doing the job right to make sure that they're doable and that they make sense to the younger crowd. Typically doing a job correctly in our house varies according to the age of the child....a properly swept room will look very different when swept by the 16 y.o. (spotless) versus the 4 y.o. (Did he get most of the crumbs and put the broom away?).

 

Encourage effort. Over the past year I haven't said one word to my just-9 y.o. about sloppily swept steps. I have noticed casually when he's done an exceptional job and commented on how he's been taking pride in doing a good job. The steps are usually spotless now. I also try to notice and make offhand remarks to all like "Isn't our home lovely? Thanks for pitching in to do your part. It's so nice when everyone helps share the chores."

 

Extra work. If undone chores cause me to either a) do them myself so that I can get my own chores done, or b) waste my time making sure that the assigned child does them, that child does some of my chores for me. And not the fun ones.

 

Cat

Edited November 30, 2009 by myfunnybunch
It's "nice" when chores are done. Not "mice." Shudder.

[Miss Peregrine]

"feel free to come eat (breakfast, lunch, dinner) when your chores are done."

 

This would be used for an older child who knows how to do it correctly and knows what is expected of him.

[Impish]

I love the chip system.

 

I was tired of the amount of time the kids were spending on electronics, and the whining when it was chore time. So, I created the Chip System.

 

I bought poker chips. Each colour is a different time value. They earn time on electronics by earning chips by doing chores.

 

All of them were eager to do chores! They could also lose chips for behaviour issues as well. If they didn't get the chore done in a reasonable time, then their sib got to take over and get the chips. I never had to actually have that happen, the simple threat was enough ;)

[Hedgehogs4]

i believe that adding more chores for bad attitudes and / or non-compliance with standards is an acceptable consequence.

[cougarmom4]

We give a time limit with a positive AND negative consequence...

IF you unload the dishwasher and sweep the kitchen floor by 11:00 a.m., then you get to play outside this afternoon.

IF you are NOT done by 11:00 a.m., then you don't get to play outside this afternoon, but have to fold the towels in addition to the other two chores.

 

In other words, if they comply within the time limit, they get a reward. If they don't, they miss out on the reward but also get an additional chore because of the attitude.

[Joanne]

Today was the first day for them to do the chores. No priviledges, no TV, no video games/electronics of any kind, no outside until the daily chores were done. Here it is almost 6pm and two of them haven't finished. The oldest hasn't even managed to load the dishwasher in the last 3-4 hours she has been playing around at doing it. The third and fourth DC are long done and have helped with other things simply because they can't do much else. So obviously taking things away isn't working for these two, they could care less. Please give me ideas!

 

So what have they been doing during this time? Have they eaten, played, or done anything not work related?

 

Also, and I speak from experience, not arrogance, you created this delay from past inconsistent follow through. It won't be fixed in a week.

[midwestbelle]

If a man will not work, he shall not eat.

 

This has worked well in my house. It is printed out in large type above the chore board.

[CathyCDK]

I read this post because we have the same issues. My husband and I are still working on motivating our girls, and it's a work in progress.

 

I am asking in total sincerity...because I don't know....

 

How do the suggestions made in the post deal with the underlying sin of disobedience, and as one pointed out, delayed obedience, which is still disobedience? Do these consequences deal with the heart?

 

For smaller children, I can see how direct supervision, working together, and making competitions out of the work can get it done. But at some point, children need to be able to complete their chores sufficiently in time and quality, without being supervised.

 

In my opinion, I think all the suggestions have merit, as they work for individual families. But I also think we need to be careful about extrinsic rewards as motivators, because once the rewards are removed, so is the motivation. Dealing with issues of the heart is intrinsic, and will create motivation in the absence of physical rewards and eventually parental supervision.

 

After typing all of that, I repeat that I struggle with this issue too. I would sure appreciate more discussion on the topic!

 

Blessings,

Cathy

[Melissa in Australia]

If a man will not work, he shall not eat.

 

This has worked well in my house. It is printed out in large type above the chore board.

I have seen this misused. I personally know a family that uses this scripture . and has their children do all the work. and I mean all the work, from all the housework, to all the mending, the toilet training ( and they believe in toilet training from newborn and the older children will get punished if the younger child has an accident) etc. etc.

[Sputterduck]

I read this post because we have the same issues. My husband and I are still working on motivating our girls, and it's a work in progress.

 

I am asking in total sincerity...because I don't know....

 

How do the suggestions made in the post deal with the underlying sin of disobedience, and as one pointed out, delayed obedience, which is still disobedience? Do these consequences deal with the heart?

 

For smaller children, I can see how direct supervision, working together, and making competitions out of the work can get it done. But at some point, children need to be able to complete their chores sufficiently in time and quality, without being supervised.

 

In my opinion, I think all the suggestions have merit, as they work for individual families. But I also think we need to be careful about extrinsic rewards as motivators, because once the rewards are removed, so is the motivation. Dealing with issues of the heart is intrinsic, and will create motivation in the absence of physical rewards and eventually parental supervision.

 

After typing all of that, I repeat that I struggle with this issue too. I would sure appreciate more discussion on the topic!

 

Blessings,

Cathy

 

All I know is that my kid says "Thanks!" with enthusiasm when asked to work... so, the consequences I suggested worked for him and he doesn't seem to have a heart issue at this point. :)

[Happy]

If a man will not work, he shall not eat.

 

This has worked well in my house. It is printed out in large type above the chore board.

 

A friend does something along these lines when things get out of hand at her house...she posts the scripture above. The family talks about it. She makes sure everyone understands what's what. At times they have taken a trip through a homeless 'neighborhood' to see the 'will work for food' signs.

 

Then she assigns chores AND secretly orders a pizza to be delivered at noon or supper. Those who've finished their chores get to have pizza. Those who haven't get a sandwich.

[Melissa in Australia]

How do the suggestions made in the post deal with the underlying sin of disobedience, and as one pointed out, delayed obedience, which is still disobedience? Do these consequences deal with the heart?

 

In my opinion, I think all the suggestions have merit, as they work for individual families. But I also think we need to be careful about extrinsic rewards as motivators, because once the rewards are removed, so is the motivation. Dealing with issues of the heart is intrinsic, and will create motivation in the absence of physical rewards and eventually parental supervisionCathy

 

doesn't everybody do everything for rewards? people go to work because they want the reward of money, I milk my house-cow twice a day because I want the reward of milk, some people are very pious because they are after a reward from God.

human nature is that people do things for rewards. I Just work on this and provide rewards quickly, as my children have got older I haven't needed to provide rewards for chores. they just do them from habit. I don't have to remind them, I don't have to check that they are done. It all runs smoothly.

[Sputterduck]

doesn't everybody do everything for rewards? people go to work because they want the reward of money, I milk my house-cow twice a day because I want the reward of milk, some people are very pious because they are after a reward from God.

human nature is that people do things for rewards. I Just work on this and provide rewards quickly, as my children have got older I haven't needed to provide rewards for chores. they just do them from habit. I don't have to remind them, I don't have to check that they are done. It all runs smoothly.

 

Nooooooooooooo. Not even close. Selflessness does happen. It boggles the mind when I run across people who think it doesn't.

 

When I do something for God there is not the slightest thought of doing it for a reward. It's the right thing to do. No questions beyond that need to be asked.

[justamouse]

Once long, long ago my daughter didn't clean up her room like I asked her to, and I had threatened her with throwing everything out.

 

I sucked it up and threw everything out (I opened my mouth, I deserved it too). If it was on the floor, it got put into the bag and out into the garbage it went. She cried and cried but the lesson learned that day was carried through and now SHE tell the littles about it so they've never had their stuff thrown out.

 

I don't reward my kids-life as they know it is a reward. They have it good and if they want it to stay good they don't put all of the work on me, period. I don't know, I really push teamwork in our family. They know that if THEY don't do their part, I can't do mine, it's a chain of dominoes.

Edited December 1, 2009 by justamouse

[LibraryLover]

My kitchen gets quite messy after a day of feeding a large family. Do you think the 10 yr old is overwhelmed? I just had to walk away from my kitchen, and my dh took over the smaller stuff. I just felt so done. We are not particularly messy, either.

Edited December 1, 2009 by LibraryLover

[lionfamily1999]

What are fair consequences for chores left undone? Of my four of chore "age", two refuse to do them correctly and in a timely manner. I vowed if that is all we do this week they will learn how to do them and do them right. We have spent the last week going through how to complete the tasks as asked, with my DH and I doing all the cleaning. Today was the first day for them to do the chores. No priviledges, no TV, no video games/electronics of any kind, no outside until the daily chores were done. Here it is almost 6pm and two of them haven't finished. The oldest hasn't even managed to load the dishwasher in the last 3-4 hours she has been playing around at doing it. The third and fourth DC are long done and have helped with other things simply because they can't do much else. So obviously taking things away isn't working for these two, they could care less. Please give me ideas!

 

We won't even discuss that I can't see the floor in their rooms, and after cleaning them last time I have sworn I will no longer do that either. I cannot do everything in a house of 7. :lol: Oh, my DC are DD10, DD6, DD6, DD4 and my youngest DS1.

DO NOT RELENT! Nothing until the chores are done. No food, no rest, no tv, nothing, nada, zip, zero!

 

Also, Managers of their Chores recommended having the kids write out (with your help, of course) a step by step description of how to do whatever chore they could not do correctly. The idea is to put together a check list, in their own words, of the chores need to be done. Then, when they don't do it that way, they copy the list. :)

 

HTH

[Peela]

My kids have been doing chores for many years and it is still an ongoing issue of reminding them, givng consequences such as withdrawing pocket money etc. when they are not done properly.

But they are much older than the OPs kids. I would honestly be very patient and expect they wont do them- train them. It takes a lot of work to train the kids, but it pays off in the long run. Basically, you have to keep going until it is a habit for everyone- but it doenst have to be a miserable tim.. Just matter of fact. Expect resistance, but stand firm. Expect to stand over them and make them do them. Do it firmly and with patience. Also, dont expect perfection.

My kids do all the dishes- alternate weeks. One does the animals one week, the other does the dishes. All of them for a fmaily of 4. Then they swap. Its not a small job, but they do it- they are teens though.

[myfunnybunch]

How do the suggestions made in the post deal with the underlying sin of disobedience, and as one pointed out, delayed obedience, which is still disobedience? Do these consequences deal with the heart?

 

For smaller children, I can see how direct supervision, working together, and making competitions out of the work can get it done. But at some point, children need to be able to complete their chores sufficiently in time and quality, without being supervised.

 

I asked myself the same question. :) If I say "Do this" and it is reasonable, my children should do it.

 

My chore philosophy changed a little when I realized that what I wanted most was to have peace in my home and to enjoy my children.

 

I agree with Peela about training and patience and good habits. Here's what I learned when I changed my direction a little. Making it fun, teamwork, creating an environment in which chores are done willingly, prompting and coaching and laughing help to steer the focus away from obedience/disobedience and make it about the purpose of chores, which is to get the house clean. There are still consequences for the disobedience of chores undone or not done well, but the focus of chore time is to get the chores done as well and as quickly and as cheerfully as possible.

 

By considering and taking care of their hearts, obedience has become a minor issue. I expect it's not going to be perfect, ever. My kids still whine sometimes, rush sometimes, complain sometimes, forget sometimes. But I see in their behavior, the changes that they're making, that I am...we are together...instilling good mental habits about work: Do it cheerfully and well because that is a reward in itself. :)

 

Cat

[midwestbelle]

I have seen this misused. I personally know a family that uses this scripture . and has their children do all the work. and I mean all the work, from all the housework, to all the mending, the toilet training ( and they believe in toilet training from newborn and the older children will get punished if the younger child has an accident) etc. etc.

 

Sounds like that mom should be missing a few meals :001_huh:

My chores are posted on the wall along with the kids' - I was late to lunch today because I hadn't switched the laundry yet!

[lionfamily1999]

I have seen this misused. I personally know a family that uses this scripture . and has their children do all the work. and I mean all the work, from all the housework, to all the mending, the toilet training ( and they believe in toilet training from newborn and the older children will get punished if the younger child has an accident) etc. etc.

So... when do the parents eat?

 

Ugh, it's hard enough getting the kids to do SOME chores without even trying to get them to do everything! Ds and I are going to trade chores for the week between Christmas and New Year's... he thinks my chores are easier :001_huh: I'm looking forward to the break.

[kalanamak]

Let the ones who finished play and do whatever and have the ones who won't complete their chores sit at the dining room table until they are ready to work.

 

Tara

 

Ohhhh, I like this one.

[melmichigan]

I will clarify since we are using chorepacks. Since we just started everyone had two things. My DD10 had to load the dishwasher, from the sink only and wipe down the counter. That's it, I'd do the rest. My DD6 had to pick up the toys and put them in the large bin and vacuum the floor, since vacuuming with the little vacuum is her favorite thing. :tongue_smilie:

 

My DD10 finally got hers done. My DD6 did not finish. We will start over again tomorrow. I can't have chores lasting all day, especially for what was asked of them. I remember what chores I did at this age and dang my kids have it easy.

 

My concern is that they know how to do these things and I am intentionally starting small. It might be a very very long week. I will look through all the responses in more detail in a little while but I do appreciate any and all suggestion so I have much to ponder. :)

[lionfamily1999]

I will clarify since we are using chorepacks. Since we just started everyone had two things. My DD10 had to load the dishwasher, from the sink only and wipe down the counter. That's it, I'd do the rest. My DD6 had to pick up the toys and put them in the large bin and vacuum the floor, since vacuuming with the little vacuum is her favorite thing. :tongue_smilie:

 

My DD10 finally got hers done. My DD6 did not finish. We will start over again tomorrow. I can't have chores lasting all day, especially for what was asked of them. I remember what chores I did at this age and dang my kids have it easy.

 

My concern is that they know how to do these things and I am intentionally starting small. It might be a very very long week. I will look through all the responses in more detail in a little while but I do appreciate any and all suggestion so I have much to ponder. :)

Okay, we're using the same system... don't tell ds, though, he's got a TON more chores than yours :p

 

If you have to, stand over dd 6 and tell her to pick things up individually. I do this with ds 3 when he has to pick up, because he does not know what to pick up and loses focus. Maybe a few days of you making it abundantly clear will cement it. If she gets angry (ds 8 does when I do this) then explain that once she starts to do it on her own then you will leave her alone. If she agrees to do it alone, give her a time limit (and let her know, she'll lose stuff if she doesn't finish)!

 

Take a stab at how long it should take, time her and if she's not done, take away something for the rest of the day. For older ds he loses his nintendo ds privileges first, then game cube, then tv, then it's to his room. Maybe having a list of losses could help?

 

Ds and I have discussed this at length. Our church has been covering stewardship for the last couple of Sundays. God has lent us these things. We must take care of them both to show gratitude and to show that we are capable of handling bigger/better things. If he (or in your case, she) can't take care of what we have now, then why would God give more?

 

Our pastor used lending instead of giving to really cement the idea that were are stewards taking care of God's things. When we think of a gift, the idea is, it's mine and I'll do whatever I want with it. However, when we borrow things, or we're taking care of someone else's things, we're much more careful that we show we deserved the trust implicit in the temporary gift. :)

 

hth

[kpupg]

Sometimes you have to stick with it until they get it.

 

 

:iagree:

 

This is how it went for us. Yeah, it was a pain-and-three-quarters for Mom, but it was the only way to get the message across at last.

 

Ya know when our parents told us "this hurts me more than you" ... well, this is like that ... more painful for Mom in the short term, but so very necessary for the long term.

 

Karen