Annual Thanksgiving Excuse...Feeling Guilty Now

[joannqn]

I got a call from my grandmother tonight.

 

First, she asked for my daughter's favorite color because she wants to make an afghan for her. After I asked my daughter, my grandmother proceeded to tell me that she already bought purple and yellow for it. So, why did she bother to ask?

 

Second, she asked if we were coming down for Thanksgiving. My standard answer is to find an excuse as to why we can't come. I've been doing this for several years now. Madelynn's dairy allergy provided a convenient, and valid, excuse this year. There's no way my family would put in the effort to make dairy-free foods for me.

 

We have several other reasons we don't want to do Thanksgiving with my extended family:

 

1) My dad rivals Scrooge for Scrooge-like behavior on holidays. If anything goes wrong, it's even worse...and he's likely to find something wrong. The last time we were there, the sink backed up, and he spent the whole day complaining about it.

 

2) My dad is negative in general. He just lost his job last Monday so he'll be even worse this year. I've been avoiding him ever since I found out because I know how bad the negativity can get.

 

3) My aunt smokes in her home and cigarette smoke makes me quite ill. It makes my sinuses severely congested (swelling and mucus) so I can't breathe through my nose at all. It makes me sneeze a ton. It makes my eyes (the actual conjunctiva) swell like mini water balloons. It makes me nauseous. They don't appreciate, or even acknowledge, how sick I get. My dad says it's all in my head. My aunt says she has a right to smoke in her own home.

 

4) There will be drinking (beer/wine) that goes beyond acceptable levels. Included in this is my cousin who is on dialysis, and seems quite proud of it by the way he talks, yet still drinks. One Thanksgiving, we got to spend the day listening to him talk about his dialysis while he drank beer after beer.

 

5) The same cousin is quite slovenly...as in too big, dirty sweats, holey t-shirt, and plumber's cracks. Listening to 4-5 members telling him to pull up his pants is a lovely way to spend the holiday.

 

6) Several members cuss as a regular part of their vocabulary. It's not the kind of behavior I want my kids witnessing.

 

7) One of the cussing family members started drinking and smoking as a young teen, dropped out of school, talks like white trash, and thinks he knows EVERYTHING. I get this strong desire to smack him every time he opens his mouth.

 

8) The house is quite dirty and cluttered and has very little seating. They have three chairs (one that always reeks of cat pee) and no couches in the living room and two or three dining room chairs. Without counting my family, there will be 10+ adults and a few kids there. The table is half covered with clutter and computer so no one can eat at it. Thanksgiving is served by placing some of the dishes on the available table space and some of them in the kitchen. My family ends up either sitting on the floor or my dad's bed to eat, usually with a box or, at best, tv tray, for a table.

 

9) It's incredibly boring. The fact that we didn't follow in the family's dysfunctional ways means we have nothing in common with the family.

 

So...I gave my grandmother this year's excuse and she sounded genuinely disappointed. She said she was hoping we'd be coming because they hadn't seen the kids in a while (we were last there in June). She didn't offer to change the menu to accommodate Madelynn's/My needs, though.

 

So, why do I still feel guilty for not going?

Edited November 25, 2009 by joannqn

[WiseOwlKnits]

Because they're family.

 

Just remember that the only family you need to concern yourself with is YOUR family. Make it as wonderful, safe, and memorable event for them as you can and forget about everyone else.

[ElaineJ]

:grouphug: Maybe you could plan a time to see her shortly after the holiday? Tell her that it is hard with your daughter's allergy but you are looking forward to a visit soon. That allows you to bless her and show consideration for extended family without having to sacrifice the well-being of your immediate family. Hope you have a great holiday-

 

ElaineJ

[Tree House Academy]

Wow...with the cat urine and eating Thanksgiving dinner on the floor or in someone's bed, I can't see why you wouldn't want to go. I mean, wow. LOL

 

You think you feel guilty, wait until I tell my MIL and her sister et all that we are not walking the 300 yards to her house because dh's cousin is there with H1N1. I feel guilty too..but not guilty enough to sit across from cousin at dinner!!!

[Rosie_0801]

What they said! Because they are family and you have feeling of family duty. Because you wish they were more pleasant so you could treat them the way you want to treat family. Because it doesn't feel very nice to teach your kids that they ought to be important to each other and then skip out on family occasions with the rest of your family.

 

Guilt happens. Just be sure to keep it at home where no one can use it against you :) and be glad your grandmother didn't offer to cater for your dietary needs because that would have spoilt your excuse.

 

Rosie

[Jean in Newcastle]

What they said about family.

 

Re. your cousin on dialysis. My dh is a dialysis nurse and he says this is quite common. They even have some homeless patients who sober up long enough to get dialysis 3 times a week.

 

You are making nice functional family members for your kids. Don't feel guilty, embrace it!

 

Can you invite Grandma to your house after the holidays? (I don't know how well she gets around).

[Cammie]

Because they're family.

 

Just remember that the only family you need to concern yourself with is YOUR family. Make it as wonderful, safe, and memorable event for them as you can and forget about everyone else.

 

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

 

 

Maybe you can ask grandma to come up for a visit, make it a special think for her and the kids. You have EVERY right as an adult to choose how to spend your holidays and to choose how your children spend your holidays. After reading your description...I think you made the right choice!

[Tammyla]

:grouphug:

 

 

I agree with inviting grandma over or taking her out to lunch for a pleasant visit.

 

One strategy I'm learning is to turn the invitation around and allow them to find an excuse for not driving here.

Edited November 25, 2009 by Tammyla

[ChristusG]

The cigarette smoker would be enough for me to say "No thanks." I'm very allergic to cigarette smoke and it sounds like you are too. There's no way I would risk being misrable the entire time and for days afterwards. Invite Grandma to your house for a few days to stay. We do not go to MIL's house or SIL's house due to cigarette smoke.

[jenn-]

Those all sound like really good reasons to avoid the situation. Much better than the one we are giving this year to get out of the "40+ people I don't even know crammed into a small house" gathering. We leave for a cruise on Monday and I don't want to risk being around that many potentially sick people. Our official excuse is my middle 2 boys have finally caught our cough and we don't want to be the ones to bring "sick" kids.

[phathui5]

My aunt smokes in her home and cigarette smoke makes me quite ill.

 

See, I think this is all the reason you need, and it's perfectly fine to tell your grandma that that's why. Just say "I can't come to Aunt's house because of the smoking, so when something is held there, I won't be attending."

[AuntPol]

I wish I could come up with an excuse to not go to my in-laws for Thanksgiving. My husband won't let me though. of course, it's not near as bad as yours. I can't get him to understand how miserable it is for me to a) deal with the cigarette smoke. b) deal with the hunger i experience as a hypoglcemic who has to wait until dinner only to be served food that I don't like (but not allowed to cook or bring anything as that offends MIL) and c) Deal with people who hate me while my husband ignores me to spend time with his Grandfather d) Miss my family who not only love me and my children but cook awesome food too.

 

The things we do for love.

[lionfamily1999]

 

So, why do I still feel guilty for not going?

Maybe, because you weren't forthright in your answer? I mean, M's allergy is an issue, but it's not THE issue. Perhaps, if you were just a little more honest (ya know, between the smoke and the drinking, I'm just not comfortable), you'd feel less guilty (at least not have the added guilt of 'making up an excuse' instead of saying the 'truth').

[katilac]

How far away are they? Can you go for just a quick visit, and still do Thanksgiving at home? If not, I'd stay home, and plan a way for them to see the kids soon.

[rafiki]

.

[joannqn]

My dad, my aunt, and my grandmother all share an apartment together 150 miles away. My grandmother is legally blind and can't get around without my dad. In my 17 years of living here in WA, she has visited me twice (my wedding and once to my home), though my dad comes up about 3-4 times a year.

 

I have extended offers to do Thanksgiving here in the past. They've been declined every time.

 

They are aware of my problems with cigarette smoke. I don't think they believe me.

 

I was surprised to feel guilty. I thought I had gotten to the point of being able to say no to my family of origin better. Well, I'm good at saying no, just not good about no feeling bad about it.

[hornblower]

Hah. Another case of Hallmark Greeting Cardosis :

 

You're suffering from Norman Rockwellosis and Hallmark Greeting Cardosis.

 

These are conditions which are characterized by an irrational sentimental desire to connect with (capital F) Family.

 

Symptoms include saying 'maybe this year it will be different', 'it is family, after all' even as your logical brain catalogues abuse and emotional trauma.

 

(capital F) Family in this context has no connection to reality and is instead an abstract construct created from a variety of maudlin and mawkish sources, and often depicted in sentimental greeting card advertisements and saccharine Norman Rockwell paintings.

 

 

I dx'd a couple people with it last year in similar threads:

http://welltrainedmind.com/forums/showthread.php?t=68638

http://welltrainedmind.com/forums/showthread.php?t=71812

 

See, the thing is, we all WANT to have a Hallmark family. And because we want it so much, part of our brain likes to pretend we do. But the rational part of our brain says 'are you NUTS?'. And therein is the source of the angst.

 

My unceasing advice in these matters is this: IF you had never met these people before, and you were introduced to them (maybe new neighbours? or maybe your children play with their kids at Scouts? etc etc etc), would you be all "Gosh! I love these people! They're great. I mean they have some faults but I enjoyed myself so much meeting them! I can't wait to get to know them better!". If YES, then you keep up the relationship.

 

If NO, then you don't. Ease yourself out, gradually, slowly if you need to, but ease yourself out. Make your own life, your own network of people, and focus on your own family.

 

Maybe there are a few individuals there whom you like a bit more. In that case I'd seek out opportunities to see them alone. Maybe invite them over or meet up for a walk & a coffee. Otherwise, it's time to put on the big girl panties, accept the great big sucking drain these folks are on your life, and let them, and the ideal of (capital F) family, go.

 

Host your own big (or small!) family dinners. Make your own big family traditions - the ones YOUR children will remember fondly & will want to return to over and over again. Remember that each year & each holiday you are creating memories for your kids; what do you want those to be? You are an adult now. You get to choose.

 

Best wishes,

[lionfamily1999]

[Kim in TN]

I'll be honest and say that I found your post very sad. Are they so bad that you can't spend one day with them? Most people don't have perfect families. They are who they are.

 

I feel really bad that your grandmother can't see her great grandchildren.

[rafiki]

.

[Guest Alte Veste Academy]

I have extended offers to do Thanksgiving here in the past. They've been declined every time.

 

For me, this is the reason you shouldn't feel guilty. You're not solely responsible for the fact that you don't spend Thanksgiving with your extended family. If I were in your shoes, I would go spend some time with Grandma in between Thanksgiving and Christmas, if possible.

 

I'll be honest and say that I found your post very sad. Are they so bad that you can't spend one day with them? Most people don't have perfect families. They are who they are.

 

You know, I understand this sentiment. I really do. But to be fair, it's not just "one day." It is one of the most important and meaningful days of the year. To have that day desecrated year after year by toxic negativity and a disrespectful, uncaring attitude toward you and the people and things you value gets old. Really old.

[newlifemom]

Joann I am sorry. Gosh, I am such a heel. Let's meet this next year and then reallly plan Thanksgiving for next year. Heck, maybe you can pick up Grandma on the way down. The only problem and it is kind of a big issue is we have a very small home and don't know where you and dh would sleep. The kids can crash anywhere, but I would imagine you guys would like a bed. :tongue_smilie: I think our kids are similar ages. pm me. We'll get it going. As long as you don't mind the drive.

 

There problem solved. :D

 

 

[i like to solve problems as long as they are not math problems.]

[Tammy]

Very nice.....I agree. Your family will always be 'your family'......

[Impish]

Family is family, but nobody is worth sacrificing your health for. You are allergic to smoke...I don't see why its ok for you to become so ill just so others can get what they want.

 

They are your family...and as such, can darn well take some of the responsibility for the relationship, not constantly demand you come to them, and the toll it takes on your health. Your dad visits several times a year...have him bring Grandma.

 

I'm not even touching on the incredibly negative examples that your children would be exposed to, just looking at the toll on your health.

 

I honestly get tired of the 'family is family' 'one day they won't be here' guilt trips. Not everything is easily solved, and sometimes the right decision IS to stay away. You have to protect your health, and that of your children. That comes first, period.

[WTMCassandra]

You know, I understand this sentiment. I really do. But to be fair, it's not just "one day." It is one of the most important and meaningful days of the year. To have that day desecrated year after year by toxic negativity and a disrespectful, uncaring attitude toward you and the people and things you value gets old. Really old.

 

:iagree:

[joannqn]

Hornblower, you are exactly right. I hadn't seen that before.

 

Thanks for the support. I agree that we shouldn't go. I chose, a long time ago, to limit my exposure to my family of origin. I just wish it weren't so hard. I do think about my kids not knowing their extended family, and it makes me sad. But it is the right decision.

[katilac]

I'll be honest and say that I found your post very sad. Are they so bad that you can't spend one day with them? Most people don't have perfect families. They are who they are.

 

I feel really bad that your grandmother can't see her great grandchildren.

 

She's not saying she never wants to see them, or allow them to see the kids. They've been invited to her house, and declined. There's a big difference between that and simply not wanting to have Thanksgiving be a long, miserable day that makes her sick in the bargain.

 

If it were me, I'd try to accomodate seeing them at certain times. I'd meet them more than halfway - - for example, if it were possible, I'd go there once a year and stay in a hotel, enabling us to visit without being trapped at their house.

 

I think it can be hard for people who don't have difficult or toxic families to see just how hard it can be, and just how miserable it can make you. Yes, it can indeed be 'that bad.' The fact that they have zero concern for the smoke and food allergies makes me think that they likely don't show much concern for others in general.

[katilac]

I wish I could come up with an excuse to not go to my in-laws for Thanksgiving. My husband won't let me though. of course, it's not near as bad as yours. I can't get him to understand how miserable it is for me to a) deal with the cigarette smoke. b) deal with the hunger i experience as a hypoglcemic who has to wait until dinner only to be served food that I don't like (but not allowed to cook or bring anything as that offends MIL) and c) Deal with people who hate me while my husband ignores me to spend time with his Grandfather d) Miss my family who not only love me and my children but cook awesome food too.

 

The things we do for love.

 

Although this doesn't solve all of the problems, I would absolutely bring something to eat, with a simple explanation that you have to eat at certain times. If m-i-l gets offended, you can hardly help that. If your dh doesn't like the idea of possibly upsetting her, I'd tell him to man up ;).

 

I certainly hope you spend other holidays with YOUR family!

[joannqn]

If it were me, I'd try to accomodate seeing them at certain times. I'd meet them more than halfway - - for example, if it were possible, I'd go there once a year and stay in a hotel, enabling us to visit without being trapped at their house.

 

This is what we did in June. We went down to Portland for an extended "field trip" and stayed in a hotel. My father joined us for a couple the places we visited, and the kids and I went to their house to visit a couple of evenings.

 

The year before, we went down for a similar field trip but we stayed at their house a couple of nights (sleeping on the floor) before joining a group at the hotel. I was miserable until I got to the smoke-free hotel.

 

I'm not planning on going down to Portland for this kind of field trip this year. I don't have the money (it runs us about $500) so we'll have to do something different for our year-end trip.

[Harriet Vane]

I'll be honest and say that I found your post very sad. Are they so bad that you can't spend one day with them? Most people don't have perfect families. They are who they are.

 

I feel really bad that your grandmother can't see her great grandchildren.

 

Some people ARE so bad that you can't spend one day with them. Sometimes they are so bad that a few hours together takes weeks or longer to recover spiritually and emotionally.

[kalanamak]

To have that day desecrated year after year by toxic negativity and a disrespectful, uncaring attitude toward you and the people and things you value gets old. Really old.

 

The smoke alone would be too much for me. Headache, wheezing, stinging eyes. Ugh. And a baby. I'd never bring a baby to a smokey house. What are they thinking?

[WTMCassandra]

Some people ARE so bad that you can't spend one day with them. Sometimes they are so bad that a few hours together takes weeks or longer to recover spiritually and emotionally.

 

:iagree:

[mammaruss]

See, I think this is all the reason you need, and it's perfectly fine to tell your grandma that that's why. Just say "I can't come to Aunt's house because of the smoking, so when something is held there, I won't be attending."

 

 

:iagree:

[mammaruss]

Some people ARE so bad that you can't spend one day with them. Sometimes they are so bad that a few hours together takes weeks or longer to recover spiritually and emotionally.

 

 

:iagree:

I have a couple family members that ARE that bad! I feel that just because someone holds the title of being my "family" does NOT give them permission to treat my family poorly~ my 2 ds are NEVER around certain relatives of mine because I don't feel they would be safe "emotionally." I used to hear the excuse from other relatives all the time--but they are family and it is their "right" to see my kids on holidays!! Well, that does not cut it with me or my dh! Our jobs as parents are to keep our children safe! If I feel that they would not be safe, I don't care if you are family or not--you do not deserve the privilege of being around my children, if being around them is going to cause scars--emotional or physical!! I would not allow a stranger or neighbor treat my children poorly--I will not tolerate it from family either...sorry for the rant!

[Rosie_0801]

I'll be honest and say that I found your post very sad. Are they so bad that you can't spend one day with them? Most people don't have perfect families. They are who they are.

 

 

Yup, and we are who we are too. Who we are, are people who prefer not to deal with people who can't treat us appropriately. Really, if Joanne (and the rest of us in such situations) were that important to our relatives, they'd play nice for a day. After all, as you pointed out, it is only one day.

 

for the kids who will not know their extended family. Life is just too short, we all have warts.

Some people are not necessary to know. I don't miss growing up knowing the aunt who refused to attend my mother's wedding because she was not talking to some other family member. Some people have more warts than others. What should we teach our children? It's ok for auntie and uncle so and so to treat us badly, because they are family. "I know I don't let you treat me or your siblings like that, but that's different because, um, because it is." I think it is much better to demonstrate to our kids that we give icky auntie and uncle a few opportunities to play nice, then if they demonstrate that they can't/won't, we regretfully find better people to hang out with. I think our society puts too much value on blood relationships, to the detriment of social relationships. In many cultures that would have been considered primitive in less PC times, the focus was strongly on the social relationships. Your relatives are the people who behave like relatives. In my opinion, life is too short to spend on people who don't like you enough to be nice.

 

Rosie

Edited November 26, 2009 by Rosie_0801