Lazy Perfectionist w/ OCD tendencies, having company over...

[Heidi @ Mt Hope]

Very sophomoric, but I really wish people would publish a sliding scale of their own housekeeping abilities, and a sliding scale of what they can tolerate at other people's homes.

 

I love having company (and do!), but the house cleaning stresses. me. out. I am a lazy perfectionist, so my house is (to *my* standards) very sub-par most of the time. We live in the country, in a little house, with three little boys. The walls get so dirty, there are dings (and dents, and bashes...) *everywhere*. When I have someone over (especially for the first time, when I know they will want to see the whole house, and before I've seen their home), I want to spend 6 weeks deep cleaning and repainting every surface, finish up every project and thing on the fix-it list, and put up new art.... The problem is, I leave everything until the last minute (which is two days ahead of time...), because everything gets messy/dirty again in a couple hours with normal life and my 3 little boys.

 

It would be sooooo much easier if I could see a friend's house in its normal glory (do you realize how big of a range that could be?) before stressing out about every dirty finger-print and pile of papers. How ridiculous is that?!

 

When you have company over, how do you graciously receive them, without apologizing for everything you can see wrong with your home? Sigh.

Edited August 27, 2009 by Heidi @ Mt Hope

[Aubrey]

First, I think you just nailed it. It would be a relief to you to see a friend's house in all it's normal glory. It will probably be a relief to your friends, too.

 

I have a hard time w/ a messy house when there's a *planned* thing, like I should have known to clean. I mean, I have a hard time letting go of perfect ideals so that I can enjoy my company. Drop ins, though? That's easier.

 

As far as what I can tolerate at other people's house--I had a friend who pulled a cloth diaper soaking in the toilet out so my dd could use her bathroom. That was nice. If she hadn't, it would have been over my line of comfort, lol.

 

I'd rather not see embarrassing clothing in the bathroom, & I'd like to be comfortable touching the faucet & flushing the toilet. Surface-clean sink & toilet are really nice. Nothing scary to step around in the floor is good.

 

In the kitchen, it's awesome if there are no weird smells & if the dirty dishes look like they're within the week & if any food/drink is served out of clean dishes. Cooked-on something that's been "sanitized" in the dw? No problem. I totally understand. :lol:

 

And if you have to paint the walls before we get together...um...don't do that, lol. I'd rather have a friend w/ dirty walls than an acquaintance who's busy painting!

[melissel]

OMG, I'm having company over?!!!! When? Why did no one tell me??

 

Oh, you were referring to yourself! :lol:

 

Seriously, I was just thinking the very same thing yesterday. I wish we didn't hold ourselves to all those magazine standards. It totally throws me off when I go to a friend's house and it's spotless, but when they're at my house, they're talking about what a wreck their house is. It makes me feel so insecure!

 

When I go to other people's houses, I don't care about clutter ever. I mean, EVER. I get clutter. I have lots of my own. But if things (dishes we're using, counters, the tabletop, etc.) are generally sticky or greasy, that's over my comfort level. If the floors look like they haven't been vacuumed in a week or spills have been left to dry on their own, it would bother me. If there are visible bodily fluids or a fair number of...er...grown-up hairs...on things in the bathroom, or anything's sticky or greasy, or the hand towels are visibly dirty (like at my grandmother's house, which is especially creepy because she doesn't have many guests--blech, how old is that towel?!), that's a tad beyond my comfort level. Even in the case of the bathroom, though, I forgive easily because I know how easily those drips and hairs are overlooked--they always seem to magically reappear when you have company!

 

I could go on, but you probably KWIM. In general, mess doesn't bother me at all, but grease and grime and food residue probably will. (ETA: I agree with Aubrey about the cooked-on, dishwasher-sanitized food :lol: That used to drive me crazy, but now I just can't be bothered anymore--at least not for general family use!)

 

Does that help at all?

Edited August 27, 2009 by melissel

[Jami]

Have people over who don't homeschool or have fewer children than you do. LOL! Seriously. ;)

 

We've had dinner guests a couple of times since the move and I tend to get more worked up than I need to about the house cleanliness. But honestly, they tend to be so amazed that I have 4 children, homeschool, and managed to not feed them frozen pizza that I don't think smudges on the wall get a notice.

 

Does that help? :P

[Impish]

Oh geez. I never knew there was a term for me, but 'lazy perfectionist' hits the nail on the head.

 

I now have a label. I don't know if I should be glad of it, or hang my head in shame, lmao!

 

Being one armed now sure as heck makes it that. much. worse. I WILL ignore my limitations and go to the point where I'm in a cold sweat, in tears from pain...yet see how much more needs to be done.

 

*sigh*

 

Thank God the only 'regular' visitor I have is SpecialMama. She's even pitched in and helped clean before :o I know she loves me, no matter the state of my kitchen floors that I can't mop one handed, etc. :grouphug::001_wub:

[Happy]

A book that changed how I have people over is 'Open Heart, Open Home' by Karen Mains. Christian content and lots of wisdom. The big point IIRC, was quit obsessing about the floors and counters and pay attention to the people.

 

Gee, it's been many years since I picked it up, maybe I should read it again.

 

As for me, I'm a clutter bug married to a pack rat. lol We have loads of stuff in our home. Add to that my creative bent and my need for supplies, and you have over load. I'm content if people don't trip over something.

 

The idea is always to make people feel welcome and at home.

[Heidi @ Mt Hope]

I appreciate all the comments, ladies. I'm neck deep in house cleaning at the moment, but I'm going to try to breathe, and relax, and look forward to seeing my friend and her family!

[katemary63]

All I can say is, I am exactly the same. I also live in the country with kids, animals and bugs. The house is never presentable. But I always let people in and say, "Hey, welcome to my mess!"

[Heidi @ Mt Hope]

Well, I was in cleaning the bathroom and the 3 yo knocked over the bucket of dirty mop water in the kitchen and walked across the whole (soaking) floor with his dirty (now muddy) shoes. Sigh.

[Erica in PA]

I just try to remember when I'm feeling that way that those kinds of thoughts are really about *me* rather than about my guests. It's sometimes more about wanting to be perceived a certain way, than it is truly about making my friends and family comfortable. When I think of it that way, I am able to put that perfectionism to the side, and simply focus on enjoying my company (and my family in the days leading up to the company.)

 

As an aside, I really prefer that hosts do not make a fuss for me, or make apologies for what is obviously a clean, tidy home. It sort of bugs me. I feel like I'm being asked to reassure them that they're really good housekeepers or something. Makes me uncomfortable. So I try not to do that with my guests, either. Now if I drop by someone's house unexpectedly, and it really is messy, or if I'm in that position, then that's different. But generally, I think presenting one's home in a welcoming way, imperfect though it may be, is more comfortable to guests than fussing and making apologies that things aren't more perfect than they are.

[Ellie]

I am a lazy perfectionist...

See, you aren't lazy. You're a perfectionist, and if you can't do it perfectly, you don't want to do it at all, so you put it off until you have to do *something.*

 

Dr. Lehman refers to this in his Birth Order book. It's very common among first-borns (you have to understand his definition of "first born," just in case you think you're not, lol). I have that tendancy myself, but I deal with it better since I read the book and know what the problem is. :-)

[Guest Virginia Dawn]

Very sophmoric, but I really wish people would publish a sliding scale of their own housekeeping abilities, and a sliding scale of what they can tolerate at other people's homes.

 

I love having company (and do!), but the house cleaning stresses. me. out. I am a lazy perfectionist, so my house is (to *my* standards) very sub-par most of the time. We live in the country, in a little house, with three little boys. The walls get so dirty, there are dings (and dents, and bashes...) *everywhere*. When I have someone over (especially for the first time, when I know they will want to see the whole house, and before I've seen their home), I want to spend 6 weeks deep cleaning and repainting every surface, finish up every project and thing on the fix-it list, and put up new art.... The problem is, I leave everything until the last minute (which is two days ahead of time...), because everything gets messy/dirty again in a couple hours with normal life and my 3 little boys.

 

It would be sooooo much easier if I could see a friend's house in its normal glory (do you realize how big of a range that could be?) before stressing out about every dirty finger-print and pile of papers. How ridiculous is that?!

 

When you have company over, how do you graciously receive them, without apologizing for everything you can see wrong with your home? Sigh.

 

 

You have just described me. Lazy perfectionist, small country house, 3 messy boys, apologizing any time anyone comes over. Sigh.

 

Options:

 

1. Become a hermit. Only then everyone thinks you are antisocial and you want to cry because you are so lonely.

 

2. Go on the way you always have been and you are suspicious that you always will, even though you occasionally have anxiety attacks.

 

3. Drive yourself crazy trying to keep everything nice and neat and orderly, then spend 3 weeks curled up in a ball and go on anitdepressants so you can go back to being a lazy perfectionist. Only the meds keep it from bothering you too much.

 

I've tried all 3 options and am willing to look at others.

[Guest Virginia Dawn]

I'm a firstborn. I'll have to check that out.

[Garga]

I've learned from two friends who don't make a special effort to clean before company arrives. They don't live like pigs, but if their houses are messy from a busy day, they just invite us in and don't say a word about it. I'm so impressed with them. Once in awhile, you can tell they did a special deep clean (like for a Christmas party), but usually you can tell they haven't gone crazy with the cleaning--just made it presentable.

 

I've been trying to be like them. I haven't apologized for a messy house in a long time now (like a year). And I've been working on not doing a crazy-clean before people arrive. I just do a normal clean (vacuum, bathroom, dishes, general clutter away.)

 

But I've had people over at the last minute where the mail is in a big pile, the daily dishes still need to be done and the drying laundry (NO underwear!) is still hanging in the shower (my clothesline.) And I don't breathe a word of apology.

 

I'm getting closer and closer to a balance of tidying for guests, but not getting crazy about it and spouting apologies.

 

Hope you find the balance, too.

Edited August 27, 2009 by Garga

[Sue G in PA]

:grouphug: You are not alone. I thought you were describing my house...dirty walls, dings, dents, holes everywhere (5 boys here!), sticky floor, crumbs everywhere, clutter, disorganization, laundry piled high in the office/laundry room...it's horrible. I live in what Fly Lady calls CHAOS...Can't Have Anyone Over Syndrome! I am not a gifted hostess. I have friends who are...their gift is certainly hospitality. Gorgeous homes, clean but not immaculate, cozy, worm, inviting. The total opposite of mind. I hate having people over. When people come to the door I find my blood pressure rising and my stress level shoot through the roof. I hate when my kids want friends over b/c I am so embarrased about the condition of my house. Not just the cleanliness but the overall appearance. I don't have friends over. My neighbor...that' it. I've been told to just get over it, but I can't.

[Heidi @ Mt Hope]

Yes, I definitely put it off until I absolutely must do something. :) I'm not sure I'd qualify as a firstborn, since I have a sister just 2 years older than I, but I certainly can chalk it up to personality trait...

[Heidi @ Mt Hope]

I've tried all 3, as well. Let me know if you come up with something else, LOL!!

[Heidi @ Mt Hope]

Thanks, Erica. That really helped me adjust my attitude!!

[babysparkler]

See, you aren't lazy. You're a perfectionist, and if you can't do it perfectly, you don't want to do it at all, so you put it off until you have to do *something.*

 

Dr. Lehman refers to this in his Birth Order book. It's very common among first-borns (you have to understand his definition of "first born," just in case you think you're not, lol). I have that tendancy myself, but I deal with it better since I read the book and know what the problem is. :-)

 

That is SOOOO ME! But I'm a second-born (by only 10 mos.) with an immature older sister, so I think in many ways we swaped :)

 

I dream of having a house with an "entertaining room" that is separate from the "living room" so that I can at least have one place nice to have people (or Dh & I) sit and relax.

Edited August 27, 2009 by babysparkler

[Desert Rat]

I don't mind clutter when visiting others' homes unless it threatens to avalanche on top of me or there isn't a clear place to sit (and I don't exclude the floor!). I don't like dirt. Days old dirty dishes, truck stop potties, sticky icky floors, um, smells. I like my house to be magazine perfect but I certainly don't expect that in others. FWIW, I used to meticulously clean every inch of my house before company came over. Now, I hit the bathroom and the main areas in the house. Bedrooms are closed and I pile all kinds of stuff in my bedroom. LOL Laundry baskets are awesome! ;)

[5KidzRUs]

I am the same way - my children have learned to not be shocked to see me painting a wall at 4 AM :001_smile:

 

There are two issues here - one is making your guest feel comfortable with YOU going over their house too and the other is you being comfortable with THEM coming over to your house and seeing it in all its glory.

 

This is what I do:

1) Drop by their house unannounced in the midmorning. Bring them a plate of cookies or something - you just happened to be in the neighborhood. Call them if you must as you are in the car on your way. You will see their house in all its glory and now you are on a level playing field.

 

2) Let them see your house as it usually is and tell them that now that they have seen your "real" home they have now reached the status of FRIEND :001_smile:

 

There you go!!!! Now you are friends - not just aquaintances - and you are both forever off the hook!

 

If they back out of your life then they were not worth having around in the first place! This is tongue in cheek but it really does work :lol:

[Blueridge]

Thank you for giving me a title and making me feel not so alone. :) I am a first born, very lazy perfectionist. I hosted a crafting party for our 4 family group in February. I cleaned for 2 weeks preparing for it. Just so heartbreaking that I feel so sneaky...if everyone knew what our home usually looks like! I do the Fly Lady swish n swipe each morning so the downstairs bathroom looks moderately clean. I try to make my bed each morning. But there is still clutter in the hall, school stuff in the small living room, and don't even talk about my kitchen. Ugh. I have a sign hanging in the bathroom that says 'My house is clean enough to be healthy, and dirty enough to be happy'. I look at it every day and try to have my priorities straight. Friends are hard to find, and I don't want to loose them because I am embarrassed about my messy house. So if someone drops by (rare) I just throw what I can in the closet on the way to the front door, spray apple air freshener that I keep in the hallway, put on a smile, and try not to worry.

[KidsHappen]

Being one armed now sure as heck makes it that. much. worse. I WILL ignore my limitations and go to the point where I'm in a cold sweat, in tears from pain...yet see how much more needs to be done.

 

 

I am so right there with you on the pain thing. My hubby dragged me away from the painting room kicking and screaming with him saying if you don't stop you won't be able to move and me saying you don't understand, if I do stop, I will realize how much pain I am in and I won't be able to get started again. Just looking around the rest of my house makes me want to cry.

[Satori]

I suppose that is me too. It takes me an entire week to clean the house, but you'll see the entire family frantically doing last-minute cleaning just as guests walk in. We love having guests over as that means our house is super clean! And since we've had guests all summer, our house has stayed quite clean, gotta love it.

 

I don't feel too bad though if our house was messy. We live in the mountains, no one up here really cares about a perfectly manicured yard and landscaping. We drop in on others unannounced if we're in the area and their houses are so messy it is hard to walk.

 

Oh, one trick, I have 100's of bins from my business. If we have company over with only a few hour notice, we stash everything in a few bins and then hide them in the garage!

[Carol in Cal.]

The house is never nicer than for the first one, but it's so easy to get it back in order within a day or so for the second one. And I ALWAYS cook way too much food, so usually I'm good menu-wise as well.

 

This also applies to playdates, but not quite as much.

[KidsHappen]

I suppose that is me too. It takes me an entire week to clean the house, but you'll see the entire family frantically doing last-minute cleaning just as guests walk in. We love having guests over as that means our house is super clean! And since we've had guests all summer, our house has stayed quite clean, gotta love it.

 

I don't feel too bad though if our house was messy. We live in the mountains, no one up here really cares about a perfectly manicured yard and landscaping. We drop in on others unannounced if we're in the area and their houses are so messy it is hard to walk.

 

Oh, one trick, I have 100's of bins from my business. If we have company over with only a few hour notice, we stash everything in a few bins and then hide them in the garage!

 

My youngest dd still has bins of things in the living room from when her room was painted at least two weeks ago. My teen still has bins in the loft from the same time. I told them if they weren't gone by this weekend, then I would assume they didn't want the stuff any more and get rid of it. :tongue_smilie:

[Ellie]

Nope, not gonna let you get away with calling yourself "lazy." You're not lazy; you're frustrated because you cannot do it all as perfectly as you'd like, so you put things off or don't do them at all. That isn't lazy. :-)

 

And it can be "cured." Aren't you glad? :-)

 

Something that I discovered in the book is that it is common for first-borns to do this: Something must be done around the house which involves 8 steps. You could go ahead with steps 1-3 and 5, but because we can't do all 8 steps *right now,* we don't do any of them. I have trained myself to do the things I can and not to obsess about the things I can't do yet. Just that little change has made a big difference.

 

So, no, you aren't lazy. Don't make me come over there, young lady!

[KidsHappen]

You have just described me. Lazy perfectionist, small country house, 3 messy boys, apologizing any time anyone comes over. Sigh.

 

Options:

 

1. Become a hermit. Only then everyone thinks you are antisocial and you want to cry because you are so lonely.

 

2. Go on the way you always have been and you are suspicious that you always will, even though you occasionally have anxiety attacks.

 

3. Drive yourself crazy trying to keep everything nice and neat and orderly, then spend 3 weeks curled up in a ball and go on anitdepressants so you can go back to being a lazy perfectionist. Only the meds keep it from bothering you too much.

 

I've tried all 3 options and am willing to look at others.

 

OMG, This is me! I am a lazy perfectionist and I have tried all three options. I prefer the hermit option but my family hates it! They don't mind the mess at all, but I drive them crazy. You think that they (my family) would at least clean enough for me to stop *****ing but no! Yesterday, my hubby was telling my 16 yr. old that I was tired, and cranky and hurt and she said, "Oh, you mean she's awake?" :tongue_smilie: I can't even be mad because I know it's true. I guess I will increase my meds.:001_huh:

[Aubrey]

I've learned from two friends who don't make a special effort to clean before company arrives. They don't live like pigs, but if their houses are messy from a busy day, they just invite us in and don't say a word about it. I'm so impressed with them. Once in awhile, you can tell they did a special deep clean (like for a Christmas party), but usually you can tell they haven't gone crazy with the cleaning--just made it presentable.

 

I've been trying to be like them. I haven't apologized for a messy house in a long time now (like a year). And I've been working on not doing a crazy-clean before people arrive. I just do a normal clean (vacuum, bathroom, dishes, general clutter away.)

 

But I've had people over at the last minute where the mail is in a big pile, the daily dishes still need to be done and the drying laundry (NO underwear!) is still hanging in the shower (my clothesline.) And I don't breathe a word of apology.

 

I'm getting closer and closer to a balance of tidying for guests, but not getting crazy about it and spouting apologies.

 

Hope you find the balance, too.

 

Just to clarify, I can handle a pair of skivvies visible in the laundry basket, whether in the bathroom or elsewhere. But the discussion about them between the embarrassed wife & apathetic dh afterward, in which the "skidmarks" are described? Nope. Druther not, thank you.

[Aubrey]

The house is never nicer than for the first one, but it's so easy to get it back in order within a day or so for the second one. And I ALWAYS cook way too much food, so usually I'm good menu-wise as well.

 

This also applies to playdates, but not quite as much.

 

Wow. My house is TRASHED after a party. I'm not sure why. I mean, we're talking adults. Old people. Nothing insane at all, lol.

[RanchGirl]

I am soooo enjoying this conversation -- I am the lazy OCD first born perfectionist as well. I have vowed not to apologize for the state of my house anymore.

 

True confession time... company is coming tomorrow for the weekend, and yes we did have to paint several wall! I have 2 kids and a dog, white walls are not my friend. BUT I refuse to stay up late tonight, I am determined to allow a few imperfections to show rather than be tired and cranky all weekend.

[Ruby]

Sadly I will have the kids pick up what is theres. We take care of the laundry from laundry couch mountain. Usually it gets laid gently across my bed. We take care of dishes, make the kids wipe down their own bathroom which is the guest bathroom. ( if people think it's not done to perfection I explain that the kids are responsible for their own mess so if you see something in there it's not my fault. With a laugh and smile) anything else that is sitting around, usually stuff that should have been put away a month ago, the always there pile of stuff to give away or give back or toss, and anything else get thrown in my room via boxes and bins. Currently I have piles of stuff everywhere in my room. On some future weekend I will have a chunk of time to pull it all out, sort and leave itin piles in anticipation of where it is supposed to go, salvation army, garage, cousins house, etc. So we live in mild clutter but shove it all in my room when people come. At least I can feel okay about the rest of the house while my guests are here. My daughters room is there own embarassment and when they know someone's coming it gets clean. :) most of the time i'm annoyed by myself but hey they lazy side of me says there is only so much time in the day. Got to go places, check email, homeschool kids, soccer practice, gymnastics, bedtime stories, lunch etc. etc. etc.

:bigear:

I hear ya! Ruby

[Vida Winter]

Lazy perfectionist? OCD tendencies? I haven't read the other responses, Heidi, but are you by any chance my twin? :D

 

I can't offer much advice except this: Don't show them the whole house. I never show the whole house, even when it is clean. Stick to the kitchen/living room area. No need to bare your soul to new acquaintances.

[JudoMom]

I appreciate all the comments, ladies. I'm neck deep in house cleaning at the moment, but I'm going to try to breathe, and relax, and look forward to seeing my friend and her family!

 

Take a minute and read this article. It's contrary to how I learned to clean, but I've cleaned the house the way the article states for 2 weeks and it's really revolutionized my cleaning. Last week I cleaned my house top-to-bottom in under 3 hours.

 

And enjoy your friend and her family. May you have a peaceful, refreshing visit.

[ladydusk]

JudoMom,

 

Take a minute and read this article.

 

This article is fascinating in concept! I'm going to try it, I think ... A question, though. The idea of spraying all surfaces then going back to the beginning and wiping them down ... You have small children ... do you have any issues with this? How do you keep littles out of it? Nap time? Hmmmm ... I use generally homemade non-toxic cleaners, but I still wouldn't want them putting their fingers in them IYKWIM?

[JudoMom]

JudoMom,

 

 

 

This article is fascinating in concept! I'm going to try it, I think ... A question, though. The idea of spraying all surfaces then going back to the beginning and wiping them down ... You have small children ... do you have any issues with this? How do you keep littles out of it? Nap time? Hmmmm ... I use generally homemade non-toxic cleaners, but I still wouldn't want them putting their fingers in them IYKWIM?

 

My youngest is almost 4, so he kind of sticks with his brothers, and they tend to stay out of my way when I'm cleaning or they get put to work :lol:. Also, I'm moving fast from room to room, so it's not like it's a lot of time in between getting back to wipe it down.

[justamouse]

There is a poem for you!

 

Mother's Boys.

 

Yes, I know there are stains on my carpet,

The traces of small muddy boots;

And I see your fair tapestry glowing,

All spotless with flowers and fruits.

 

And I know that my walls are disfigured

With prints of small fingers and hands;

And that your own household most truly

In immaculate purity stands.

 

And I know that my parlor is littered

With many odd treasures and toys,

While your own is in daintiest order,

Unharmed by the presence of boys.

 

Andi know that my room is invaded

Quite boldly all hours of the day;

While you sit in yours unmolested

And dream the soft quiet away.

 

Yes, I know there are four little bedsides

Where I must stand watchful each night,

While you go out in your carriage,

And flash in your dresses so bright.

 

Now, I think I'm a neat little woman,

And I like my house orderly, too;

And I'm fond of all dainty belongings,

Yet, I would not change places with you.

 

No! keep your fair home with it's order,

Its freedom from bother and noise;

And keep your own fanciful leisure,

But give me my four splendid boys.

 

Author Unknown.