do you think drinking in front of your kids

[ChristusG]

My parents were both rasied in Christian households. When they grew up, they both drank some. They drank up till I was four years old. After that, they got back to the Lord and started going to church again. Since then, they have not drank at all. I do not remember their drinking from when I was little.

 

So really, I grew up in a non-drinking family. Both my grandparents, aunts/uncles do not drink. I've never been around it. Now that I'm all grown up, I do not drink at all. I've never even had a sip. And I'm very glad....it can be addictive and I do not want something to have control over my body. I'm even very hesitant about meds that have control over your personality. I just feel like drinking is something that I do not need to do. My sisters do not drink either.

 

DH grew up with an alcoholic step-father. He grew up around a lot of drinking. He's familiar with it, sees what it does. He had a beer when he was a young teen....his parents gave it to him. And that's the only time he has ever drank. Never since then. I thank God that he sent me a husband who believes as I do about drinking. Because we are very much in the minority about drinking since we do not do it at all.

 

And now, our girls are not exposed to any drinking. Not from grandparents, not from aunts/uncles, cousins, or anyone. I hope they will follow in our footsteps.

[Orthodox6]

In general, the negative views will come from respondents with alcoholism in the family (genetic disposition), and from respondents whose religion has decided that consuming alcohol is sinful.

 

Neither constraint applies to my family.

 

DH and I are erratic/rare drinkers. I never know how to answer the survey question, "Do you drink?"

 

In a pantry, we have a bottle each of vodka, brandy, whatever the citrus-flavored liqueur is called, cherry heering, kahlua, red wine, and white wine. These are for baking and cooking, only. Drinking wine gives me severe headaches, unless I can locate a sulfite-free type. Even then, one glass served me never is consumed completely.

 

At Pascha and Christmas, we buy a bottle of orange wine (only 4% alcohol) or raspberry wine. Occasionally, I buy a pint bottle of hard cider (can't remember the brand, but it is from the UK) and consume it over 3-4 days. (Goes well with pizza !)

 

DS (nearly 23) does not drink (he tells us), but does like the orange wine referenced above. DS (20) did, at age 18, drink two glasses of wine at a party without permission (DH and I were there.) -- and was raked over the coals for it afterward. There has been no other infraction from him. since. As he told us so himself, that is a good sign in him. The other dc (15 and 10) have no interest in alcohol.

 

In that alcohol is part of Greek culture, and also is part of Orthodox Christian culture, our children were raised with a healthy attitude about alcohol. (Dear old ancient Greek cliche -- "moderation in all things" ! :) )

 

The ONLY time that I have worried about alcohol in the home was when we placed our Birmingham, AL house on the market. ("Bible Belt", one must remember) In that house, the alcohol bottles stood on a crystal display tray on the sideboard in the dining room. DH and I debated whether or not we should "hide" the bottles while the house was on the market. We finally decided to leave them where they were. It sure would have looked queerly suspicious if someone considering the house were to find liquor bottles stashed in the closet, or laundry room !

[dragons in the flower bed]

or having alcohol in the house is a bad influence on your kids? Do you think it makes them want to drink more?

 

 

I think it makes alcohol seem safe and acceptable, even cozy and social. I wouldn't do it. We avoid family-style parties if we know ahead of time that there will be beer or whatnot available. Sometimes we can't, and I lump it. I absolutely never have any in the house, and I would never drink in front of my children. (I never drink at all, anyway.)

[Pretty in Pink]

I'm not comfortable drinking in front of my children because I am a real lightweight and I don't want them to see me tipsy. My dh often has a beer with dinner. The kids see it. It doesn't bother me because it does not make him tipsy.

 

I grew up with abusive, alcoholic parents. I know this influences my view on the subject. I am not comfortable with my children being around tipsy adults. Period.

[kpupg]

We have wine and beer in the house maybe half of the time, drinking it with meals as seems appropriate and suited to the mood. When I have to drive a kid to an evening activity, I won't drink at supper that night.

 

We also have occasional cocktails in the evening, meaning maybe twice a month with a movie or suchlike.

 

I only drink a maximum of one drink a day because any more and I am zzzzzzzzzzzzzz. I think that's my age sneaking up on me.

 

Our kids watch us drink all of this and don't seem interested.

 

I grew up in a teetotalling home until I was a teen, at which point my parents decided they were grown up enough to start drinking. It was not pretty, watching my parents go through all the "adolescent drinking" stages just out of their ignorance of the effects. They figured it out a lot quicker than most college students, but still ... I think occasional adult drinking is much better than that.

 

I'd also like to mention that I live in an area of mostly teetoallers for religious reasons. It is kind of creepy to listen to the grown men talk about drinking and their friends who drink and whatnot. It's 30- and 40-something grown men talking like college kids -- seemingly fascinated by this thing their religion tells them is intrinsically evil. Creepy.

 

Karen

[Danestress]

I think it makes alcohol seem safe and acceptable, even cozy and social. I wouldn't do it. We avoid family-style parties if we know ahead of time that there will be beer or whatnot available. Sometimes we can't, and I lump it. I absolutely never have any in the house, and I would never drink in front of my children. (I never drink at all, anyway.)

 

to most people, including me.

 

Moderate drinking is not only safe, but moderate drinkers on average live longer than non-drinkers or heavy drinkers. It's acceptable in my family and in most families.

 

Excessive drinking is unsafe and unacceptable. What's excessive? Good question. But I personally am okay with my children seeing people have the occasional drink.

 

That said, if there is a history of alcohol abuse or sensitivity to health issues that are aggravated by alcohol, I personally would try to impress upon my children that for them, any drinking might pose problems.

[Dirtroad]

No way! I am a Christian but I am not mired in legalism & have never oudn any scripture that says you can't drink (first miracle was wine & a very fine one too... not Mad Dog or grape juice). You can have an entire debate about the SIN of drunkenness v/s having a drink.

 

I think modeling moderate, controlled behavior is the best lesson as in most areas of life. My children have seen me have a margarita with my fajitas and they know that I enjoy the flavor, etc. They also see me have only 1.... here me talk about too much would cause me to lose control or atleast get silly:tongue_smilie:.... and see me have it on very rare occassions.

 

They will understand the complexities & hazards of drinking too much.... the issues of addressing problems & not drowning them to avoid it... and the ease that some people seem to fall into the destructive life of alcoholism (our family has several). I want them to know the effects & results of alcohol, etc. However, I want them to know that a little toddy occassionally is good and can even have health benefits.

[coralloyd]

My Grandparents on both sides had alcohol problems. There was alot of abuse of my parents and their siblings. So my parents decided to not drink at all, since they saw no good come from it. As a result I have NEVER had a drink and I don't think I am missing anything. When dh and I got engaged I told him that I could not marry anyone who drank. Because of this, he stopped the ocassional drinks. I know there is nothing wrong with the ocassional drink. However, seeing all the harm that can come from it; and how easily it can get out of control. There is no need for it in my life.

 

Some people say they drink because they like the taste. I think that most people do because of the slight buz they get, even if they are still in control. If I drank and I was depressed one day; I could easily see myself drinking more than during just recreational times. To me it is a silly thing to risk so much for. I'll stick with my Arnold Palmer and root beer, where the worst thing that can happen is- having to go pea a lot ;).

[MistyJ]

My mother was an abusive alcoholic. I rarely drink...maybe a glass of wine 3x a year. My husband will have one beer after work a few nights a week.

 

I'm afraid of alcoholism, and it's something we talk about with our children. I have to agree with the idea that if we were extreme in our stance against alcohol, it's just one more thing our kids could rebel against when they have some freedom. I'm comfortable with setting the example that ONE beer, or ONE glass of wine, is normal.

[MistyJ]

 

I grew up with abusive, alcoholic parents. I know this influences my view on the subject. I am not comfortable with my children being around tipsy adults. Period.

 

:iagree: Having had a drunk as a mother, I don't like to be around people who have overindulged.

[Rhonda in TX]

I can't stand the taste of the stuff. I've tried lots of different drinks and it all tastes bad to me. DH got a bottle of wine from his parents one Christmas. It wasn't opened for about 6 months, then he drank a glass a night until it was gone. I didn't have a problem with that.

 

Growing up, we never had alcohol in the house. My parents would drink occasionally (beer and wine) before we were born, but made the decision to not have it in the house while we lived there. Mom told me once that it was because it was easier to tell us not to drink if they didn't drink, either. I didn't have my first drink until I was 20 years old.

 

I don't know if I really go along with the "expose them to it when they're kids and they won't have a problem later" line of thought. I have several friends who never had alcohol as kids and still don't drink. I think you can find anecdotal stories either way, though, so I'm not sure if that proves anything or not.

 

I'm not sure where this is going. :001_smile: I feel like I'm rambling. I guess my opinion boils down to... I don't see a problem with the occasional drink, but I would not want it to be a regular habit in our home. I also think that not having alcohol in the house removes a possible temptation for kids.

 

Adding something: DH's father is an alcoholic, so alcohol was/is ALWAYS in their home. DH has been drunk one time in his life, just to see what it was like. Other than that, he never partied and has always drunk alcohol moderately.

Edited August 13, 2009 by Rhonda in TX

[st_claire]

I hate the taste of wine and beer and I regret this. I want my kids to learn to like it, so I would be happy to give them a watered down glass whenever it is being served (although that is only when people visit so not very often). I think watered down is much better than "a sip". That's house kids in europe learn to drink.

[hornblower]

Once again (just like with the shopping carts thread!) being CHEAP saves me: I can't afford to drink what I like as much as I like so I don't drink often. Single malt whisky is expensive. So is good gin. We have a fair bit of wine and beer but again,we have expensive tastes so that puts a limiter on it.

 

Oh yeah & I have a wonky kidney which protests if I have too much.

 

And the third reason is calories! Sometimes I'll consider a drink and choose dessert instead LOL.

 

I was going to reply last night but I was actually having a g&t and wasn't sure I should post under the influence :D

 

So anyway. I grew up in Europe. People drank. Some drank A LOT. Some drank WAAAAAY TOO MUCH. I worry about alcoholism a bit because of some research indicating genetic propensities (& yeah, I'm carrying some dooozy genes) but overall my plan was to armour my kids with attachment parenting & giving them a good strong sense of self & unconditional love. Most alcoholics I know are deeply unhappy & feel unloved and unworthy - but it's hard to say which came first, the bad self image or the alcoholism.....

 

My kids have tasted various diff types of drinks and they get small watered down amounts at fancy dinners. Moderation. No big fuss.

[Carol in Cal.]

No, pre-exposing a person at risk won't "help". Alcoholism is a function of an alcoholic's *body*. (This is not always true with various street drugs). Alcohol in an alcoholic's body literally craves more. A normal, temperate drinker won't have that physical reaction (though they may over indulge).

 

Neither more sheltered nor earlier exposure will change the physiological reality of an alcoholic body. That's why recovering alcoholics can't EVER drink again. I haven't had anything n 18 years but my body remains as alcoholic as ever. If I drink, my body reacts with craving more (and more, and more....)

 

Certainly an alcoholic has no safe amount of alcohol.

 

But I think that there are other factors in how non-alcoholics react to early drinking than just genetics. One has been mentioned already--don't lay down those pleasure pathways too early during brain formation, which can last through age 25 or so. And I'm sure you're right about the physiological realities, but I think that psychology also plays a big role. When drinking is perceived as a grown up thing to do, or tempting/intriguing because it's so strongly forbidden, I think that that contributes to its being a subject of great effort and daringness. Look how common it is for people to binge when they turn the legal drinking age, to 'celebrate'! OTOH, if drinking is seen as a matter of fact thing, with some sensible restrictions, but not really any big deal if bounded properly, I wonder whether that is more likely to result in sensible social drinking rather than bingeing. I just don't know of any credible research on this subject. It seems to me that non-drinkers who are taught that drinking is horrible would be more likely to either abstain or binge, and non-drinkers who are taught that drinking is OK within limits might have different tendencies, but the studies don't distinguish between those two groups as far as I know.

[Joanne]

But I think that there are other factors in how non-alcoholics react to early drinking than just genetics. One has been mentioned already--don't lay down those pleasure pathways too early during brain formation, which can last through age 25 or so. And I'm sure you're right about the physiological realities, but I think that psychology also plays a big role. When drinking is perceived as a grown up thing to do, or tempting/intriguing because it's so strongly forbidden, I think that that contributes to its being a subject of great effort and daringness. Look how common it is for people to binge when they turn the legal drinking age, to 'celebrate'! OTOH, if drinking is seen as a matter of fact thing, with some sensible restrictions, but not really any big deal if bounded properly, I wonder whether that is more likely to result in sensible social drinking rather than bingeing. I just don't know of any credible research on this subject. It seems to me that non-drinkers who are taught that drinking is horrible would be more likely to either abstain or binge, and non-drinkers who are taught that drinking is OK within limits might have different tendencies, but the studies don't distinguish between those two groups as far as I know.

 

Ok, I gotcha. I guess, then, some of the topic being discussed is how to best prepare our kids for the level of consumption that's a match for our own values and opinions on the topic.

 

I also see/read that you are concerned about social drinking, and situational overconsumption in people not necessarily alcoholic (like in unsupervised high school parties or in college)

 

From a practical standpoint, there can't be a formulaic answer as the "end objective" varies widely. As evidenced in this trhead, families have varying levels of comfort with regard to consumption.

 

My own personal take is that being anti-alcohol is a step towards possible rebellion/out of control behavior. OTOH, I believe that a little every day and allowing the children to also participate is a step towards the overconsumption, too early exposure path.

 

I am not anti-alcohol and I don't see a Christian scripture reason to be. I also don't "buy into" applying the "causing your brother to stumble" suggestion about not drinking moderately. A person with a problem who is *in* recovery should be perfectly fine around normal levels of consumption. If they aren't *in* recovery or are half-hearted about it, any excuse to drink will suffice.

 

My xh does not drink; recovering alcoholic. I don't drink; recovering alcoholic. My dh drinks on occassion. For the first time, we have had alcohol in the house. He will have a beer once in a while (less than 1 a month, although he may have 2 in one week and then nothing for 3 months). I think this is healthy for my kids to see. Parents taking care of their issues (at least with regard to alcoholism) and a normal drinker.

[LaxMom]

In general, the negative views will come from respondents with alcoholism in the family (genetic disposition), and from respondents whose religion has decided that consuming alcohol is sinful.

 

Neither constraint applies to my family.

 

DH and I are erratic/rare drinkers. I never know how to answer the survey question, "Do you drink?"...

I think the best answer to such a question is, "Not as much as I ought to".

 

It sure would have looked queerly suspicious if someone considering the house were to find liquor bottles stashed in the closet, or laundry room !

We (not in the Bible Belt) looked at that very house! And, yes, it did lead to some conversation about why the current owners were stashing liquor in odd places.

[newbie]

When the girls were young, there was large amounts of alcohol in house, because acceptable when anyone comes over, pull out the alcohol.

 

But, w/family affairs, someone was always drunk, usually my parents. I took a hard look at how I felt about it growing up w/it very prevalant and offered to us at the age of 13 ,and it being acceptable to provide all the liquour for my high school prom. As long as we stayed put in the hotel. All these pics kept going thru my mind, and having predisposition on both sides, we decided to abstain. We have a dry house.

 

Although, I crave it, I dont see the need for my children to see me drink to escape, which is my belief. It is a drug, and I treat it as such. And I teach them that it is a drug, although my oldest mentions caffeine, too.

 

I also, teach them that it is genetic and family members have died, so it is not something to consider lightly. This like drugs are choices they have to make, that can affect there life.

[LibraryLover]

My Fil made (he has passed away) wine, as do a lot of folks from his area of Europe. We've also toured wineries there, and elsewhere. It's an art form, really. When we have visited my dh's family, there is always wine on the table with dinner. Nobody gets drunk. So yes, we have had had alcohol in front of the children many times, and we have let our children have sips and participate in family toasts etc.

[Laura Corin]

I think it shows children that alcohol can be enjoyed responsibly by most people.

 

Laura

[silvermine]

I think it's good to show your children how to drink in moderation. (I mean, if you drink -- not that everyone has to drink to show it. :D)

 

Mine can taste some if they're interested, and may get a small glass of wine at a holiday like thanksgiving. Just like when I was a kid.

 

Just be responsible, and don't drink to excess, etc. etc..

[japhmi]

I have no problem drinking responsibly in front of my children, and I do it quite often. Alcohol is known to be a beverage of adults, and my DD6 is interested (she wants to dip her finger in and taste), but she knows she can't drink

 

Then again, I'm a homebrewer, so it'd be difficult to hide it from my kids.

[Moni]

1--do you think drinking in front of your kids is a bad influence on your kids? 2--Do you think it makes them want to drink more?

 

 

1--yes

2--no

 

:seeya:

[jujsky]

I think it completely depends on the amount that the parents consume in front of their children, and the resulting behavior. My father drank a lot when I was growing up, and he was a mean drunk. Alcoholism runs on both sides of my family, so we've seen the affects. I've never been much of a drinker but felt pressured socially to have a drink at parties. DH's family is Russian, and at their parties there is traditionally a lot of toasting, and it was honestly pushed on me more by his parents' friends than my own peers, if truth be told. I was never comfortable drinking and gave it up altogether after DD was born. For some reason, I started getting migraines if I even had a sip after her birth. It was a blessing as far as I was concerned -- I had a medical out from the pressure.

 

My brother has had one sip of alcohol in his life, and that was by accident (a trick his college friends played on him because they knew he was a non-drinker). He will not drink because of what he witnessed growing up. Self-control is too important to him. Alcohol wasn't taboo in our house. My mother would let me have watered-down wine at New Years from the time I was 12 or 13, and she bought me wine coolers in high school to drink at home with her the few times I asked her to (we'd split one and both be buzzed -- neither of us have much of a tolerance). Since it was never taboo, coupled with the things I saw growing up, it never held the fascination for me that it held for many of my peers. My curiosity was satisfied, it wasn't taboo, I could move on.

 

DH will drink socially in our home in front of our kids. He might have a glass of wine or a beer with dinner, but he never has more than that, and it's not an everyday occurance. He has asked me my opinion on whether or not he should drink in front of them, and if I ever asked him not to, he would stop. The kids have expressed curiosity about it, and we have told them that they are adult drinks, and that some people can't handle them, some people can. I have had very frank conversations about it with DS (6) who is adopted and has mild fetal alcohol effect. I have explained that his birth mother drank when she was pregnant with him, and that's why he has sensory problems. I told him that when he is an adult he can choose what he wants to do, but that he really shouldn't drink because FAE/FAS kids have an increased rate of becoming addicted to drugs and alcohol. It will be poison to his system. He seems to understand, and hopefully he will make the right choices for himself. I think banning it altogether in the home wouldn't help him. He's going to see it when he goes off on his own, and I think it would be more tempting to him if he didn't see it, and we didn't have open conversations with him about it's affect on certain people. Life's not fair, some people are more susceptible to addiction, and he's just one of those people. He has a great role-model in my brother of someone who has chosen not to drink due to a potential genetic predisposition. Out of everyone in my family, he is most like my brother in his personality and temperment, so he really looks up to him.

[bbsweetpea]

My husband and I RARELY drink. I was raised in a home where nobody drank alcohol. I don't even think my dad ever has had a sip.

 

When I came of age I did not go wild. In fact I don't really see the reason behind drinking and only like a few alcoholic drinks myself.

 

That being said my kids HAVE seen us have a drink with dinner 2 or 3 times and know that it is something that is only for adults. Once they are 21 they can drink. Until then they get their kid drinks (juice boxes and such that mommy does not get).

[sleepymommy]

Dh and I drink in front of the kids, both at home and at social functions. I remember grappling with the idea of whether or not to when we had ds1. But I figured it would be better to be honest about it and not try to hide or deceive the kids into thinking that we didn't drink.

 

They are not allowed to have sips ever. (Although there have been accidental sips and both times their faces were so sour!) Just like they can't drink my coffee. I tell them that it's alcohol and alcohol is for adults. You can even ask ds when he allowed alcohol and he'll tell you, 'when I'm 21" :tongue_smilie:

 

We were actually out somewhere just the other day and ds2 wanted a sip of dh's drink (which was a soda), I told him " no, that's Papa's drink you cannot have any" and he looked at me and said " oh, is that alcohol?" :lol:

 

There was a lady next to us and she just burst out laughing, she said she expected to turn around and see a bigger boy not a 2 year old!

[skaterbabs]

Actually, watching you and your husband drink responsibly is far more likely to teach them how to respect alcohol than banning it from the house. It's very easy to explain to them. "This is a beverage for adults. when you are of age, you may choose to drink or not drink. Until then, you may not have that choice."

[keptwoman]

Actually, watching you and your husband drink responsibly is far more likely to teach them how to respect alcohol than banning it from the house.

This is how I feel about it.

 

But I also let our children have the occasional sip and allow a little more as they get older. I don't want them having the experience I had: no experience of alcohol at all or what my tolerance was and then went out with friends who were drinking, I am very lucky I was with good people or I could trust to care for me. I want my kids to know alcohol and understand their limits so that they can be safe.

 

I went to many parties where children (late teens, early 20s) of teetotal parents (our church did not allow alcohol) were very, very, drunk because they didn't know their limits and the lure of the forbidden was strong

Edited August 16, 2009 by keptwoman

[eternalknot]

I have no problem drinking responsibly in front of my children, and I do it quite often. Alcohol is known to be a beverage of adults, and my DD6 is interested (she wants to dip her finger in and taste), but she knows she can't drink

 

Then again, I'm a homebrewer, so it'd be difficult to hide it from my kids.

 

:coolgleamA:

 

Same here - except it's the inlaws (not me), and they make moonshine (not beer).

 

My 8 year old drinks the Eucharistic wine at Mass, and isn't altogether impressed. He thinks adults are crazy to drink that stuff willingly outside of church LOL.

[brehon]

I'm half Italian...what do you think? :lol:

 

I grew up with both parents drinking beer or wine. My brother and I were from an early age (maybe 6?) allowed to have the equivalent of a thimbleful of wine with dinner on special occasions/big family gatherings. We were also usually allowed to have sips of beer or wine if we asked (assuming a parental unit was enjoying a glass). Also, there were no problems with addiction on either side of my family.

 

I grew up never being tempted to drink on the sly even when I was with friends. I already knew what good beer/wine tasted like, had no interest in the cheap stuff, and wasn't curious about hard liquor.

 

My brother did drink more than I when he was later high school/early college age and did drink on the sly. I don't recall him ever being obviously drunk, though. Also, he was having problems with depression, early marriage/divorce (in college), and self-esteem which may have contributed to his drinking. Our parent's divorce hit him harder than it did me and he was still trying to deal with it.

 

My experience leads me to believe that one simply cannot guarantee a specific outcome (i.e. kids will or won't sneak drinks or want to drink more or not). I personally think that modeling appropriate behaviour and drinking responsibly can show kids how most of the adult population enjoys alcohol in moderation. Dh grew up in the same type of atmosphere regarding alcohol as I and we've decided to model the same moderation. We drink in front of our kids and let them know that alcohol is for adults. We also allow them to dip their fingers into our wine/beer glasses and taste. At the last big family gathering (remember I am half-Italian) my eldest two (8 & 6) were allowed to have the equivalent of a thimbleful of wine with dinner. Neither one of them finished their drink.

 

I guess this is a long winded way of saying no, I don't think drinking appropriately in front of your kids is a bad influence and no, I don't think kids seeing their parents drink responsibly necessarily leads them to want to drink more.

[Haiku]

Opinions?

 

I think it's your attitude toward alcohol that matters far more than the presence or absence of it in your home.

 

I do not think having or drinking alcohol in front of the kids is a bad influence or makes you a bad role model. Alcohol in moderation is not a problem.

 

I would be far more worried about a family that stocked the home with junk food than the family whose parents occasionally drank alcohol.

 

Tara

[Debbie in OR]

Actually, watching you and your husband drink responsibly is far more likely to teach them how to respect alcohol than banning it from the house. It's very easy to explain to them. "This is a beverage for adults. when you are of age, you may choose to drink or not drink. Until then, you may not have that choice."

 

There are studies that back this up (my dh is a child and family therapist so he's always up-to-speed on what's out there). And talk, talk, talk with your kids about it...keep it all out in the light.

[TammyinTN]

We live in Europe and it's everywhere. We have wine with most of our meals so no big deal. :D