You want to know WHY I am overprotective?

[Heather in Neverland]

In the next town over from me a 5yo girl was riding her bike in broad daylight right out in front of her apartment. But her mom was not outside with her. She was grabbed off her bike. Police have been searching for days and they finally found her yesterday. Dead. Buried in a shallow grave near a river. This is so close to us...maybe 15 minutes from here.

 

I read about this all too often in the metro-Detroit area. I remember one story of a 4yo boy who was grabbed at Target and never heard from again. So for those who say the "statistics" show that this doesn't happen all that often or no more so than in earlier decades, etc.... I wonder how this little girl's mom feels at this exact moment about "statistics"?

 

My heart is breaking for her.

[BamaTanya]

My children do not understand why I am so overprotective, but I do not take chances with my children. They're just stuck with me until they're grown.

 

Of course, I'll probably be checking on them regularly then, too!

 

:grouphug: Sorry this has you upset today. I've decided I need a news fast. These terrible situations grieve me so.

[Marylou]

My children do not understand why I am so overprotective, but I do not take chances with my children. They're just stuck with me until they're grown. That's a good thing :001_smile:

 

Of course, I'll probably be checking on them regularly then, too! Smile!

 

:grouphug: Sorry this has you upset today. I've decided I need a news fast. These terrible situations grieve me so. I hear ya.

 

:001_smile:

[Pamela H in Texas]

well, though most people wouldn't think it's overprotective to be outside while a 5yo rides her bike. That is just general good sense. I feel for the mother. She'll never forgive herself for being underprotective of her sweet blessing.

[browneyedgirl]

it's not being OVERprotective to want to protect your children from harm.....it's common sense....kids do not understand danger, it's our job to teach them. These things don't happen in just large areas either we live in rural Mississippi and recently a dear friend of our family's little girl was followed and had a close call with what they later found out to be a registered sex offender in a nearby county. The little girl was smart enough to run when she was followed by the man and tell someone. Her and her friend were able to give the police a good description that fit the profile of the offender.

[Heather in Neverland]

well, though most people wouldn't think it's overprotective to be outside while a 5yo rides her bike. That is just general good sense. I feel for the mother. She'll never forgive herself for being underprotective of her sweet blessing.

 

Believe it or not, they do think it is overprotective. I hear/read all the time about "we used to ride the neighborhoods unsupervised when we were kids and we are fine!" and how allowing a child to walk down the block to the neighbor's house by themselves is just fine, etc. Yes, she was 5yo. But I wouldn't let my kids play outside unsupervised at 6yo or 7yo either. My 11yo isn't even allowed. He can have all the freedom he wants when he's grown but I will not play the odds while he is still a kid and he will just have to live with it.

[PiCO]

My child rode her bike outside alone at 5. She's 10 now and she rides and rollerblades miles away from the house alone.

 

I think being abducted is a small risk, and I'll take it to let my child grow up being independent. I would be devastated if she were abducted and murdered, but I sure hope I wouldn't blame myself or need "forgiveness" because my child was a victim of a crime.

[KingM]

I'm protective of my children, too, but it's important to recognize where risk lies.

 

During the study year, there were an estimated 115 stereotypical kidnappings, defined as abductions perpetrated by a stranger or slight acquaintance and involving a child who was transported 50 or more miles, detained overnight, held for ransom or with the intent to keep the child permanently, or killed.

 

In 40 percent of stereotypical kidnappings, the child was killed, and in another 4 percent, the child was not recovered.

 

So roughly 50 children are abducted and murdered by strangers every year.

 

Injuries remain the number one cause of death for children in this country. Approximately 10,000 children per year die from injuries, more than all diseases combined (Jones, 1992a). More than 1,000 children ages 14 and under drown each year. "Drowning is the second leading cause of unintentional injury-related death among children ages 14 and under" (National Safe Kids Campaign: Fact Sheet, 1995, p. 1). In children under 5 years, drowning is responsible for more than 300 deaths per year, with an additional 2,000 requiring treatment in hospital emergency rooms for submersion injuries (How to plan for the unexpected: Preventing child drownings, 1994).

 

Your child is therefore 200 times more likely to die from an injury and 20 times more likely to die drowning than to be kidnapped and murdered by a stranger. If you're going to be overprotective of your child, be much more cautious about motor travel, street crossings, unwatched pools and ponds, hiking, bike riding, etc.

 

I'm reminded of a program I saw during the West Nile scare a few years ago where a health expert was talking about how the mothers in his apartment building weren't letting their kids go outside during the scare because of fear of mosquito bites, but instead letting them play in the apartment building's stairwells. At that point something like five people had died of West Nile virus, whereas hundreds of children were admitted to emergency rooms every day due to falls.

 

Sources:

http://www.cybertipline.com/en_US/documents/nismart2_nonfamily.pdf

http://findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_m0FSZ/is_n3_v22/ai_n18607009/

[mrsrevmeg]

Believe it or not, they do think it is overprotective. I hear/read all the time about "we used to ride the neighborhoods unsupervised when we were kids and we are fine!" and how allowing a child to walk down the block to the neighbor's house by themselves is just fine, etc. Yes, she was 5yo. But I wouldn't let my kids play outside unsupervised at 6yo or 7yo either. My 11yo isn't even allowed. He can have all the freedom he wants when he's grown but I will not play the odds while he is still a kid and he will just have to live with it.

 

:iagree:

We live out in the middle of nowhere. I hope that it is safe (considering we live BY A CHURCH!!) but that is not something I am willing to risk. My kids are not allowed to ride bikes down the street like some of the other kids. I would much rather run the risk of living with a child that that complains "its not fair!" than to risk something happening and living without my child.

[Heather in Neverland]

Your child is therefore 200 times more likely to die from an injury and 20 times more likely to die drowning than to be kidnapped and murdered by a stranger. If you're going to be overprotective of your child, be much more cautious about motor travel, street crossings, unwatched pools and ponds, hiking, bike riding, etc.

 

 

 

 

Oh believe me, I am. I am protective in all those situations and more. "Only" 50 children abducted each year? I doubt that is much of a comfort to this little girl's mother right now. My child's need for independence takes a back seat to his safety.

 

She was such a beautiful little girl and this is a crime that could have been prevented.

[RoughCollie]

I have always protected my kids. I know what the statistics are, how our government handles sexual predators (they are not incarcerated for life, commensurate to their threat to our children and ourselves), and what the risks are of encountering one of them.

 

A few years ago, talking to some of the neighbors about this, I mentioned that we could have sexual predators in our own neighborhood and we'd never know it. The face of evil is an ordinary face. Many predators have never been caught.

 

Everyone thought I was nuts and way too overprotective of my kids.

 

A few years later, an upstanding man who lives with his family a few houses from ours was arrested by 4 different law enforcement agencies (feds and 3 states) for participating in child pornography distribution and more. The children involved were pre-school boys. They were not computer-constructs -- they were real little kids.

 

I believe in being vigilant where my kids are concerned. I cannot protect them from everything, especially now that they are teens, but I can step up to the plate and do my utmost. There is a way to do it so that the kids are not frightened or constricted in the process. My kids were not told of the potential danger until they were in late elementary school. They did not particularly notice my vigilance -- as far as they were (and are) concerned, they had a free and easy childhood. The only rule they knew was the buddy system.

 

It was much easier dealing with this because my kids were in homeschool. They were always with me or under the supervision of trusted adult friends.

 

RC

[LND1218]

Oh believe me, I am. I am protective in all those situations and more. "Only" 50 children abducted each year? I doubt that is much of a comfort to this little girl's mother right now. My child's need for independence takes a back seat to his safety.

 

She was such a beautiful little girl and this is a crime that could have been prevented.

 

Absolutely! Watch them everywhere!

 

Here there were 3 teenagers abducted in broad daylight from their front yards. So it really doesn't matter whether they are 5 or 16 it can happen to any child. In the one case, 2 sisters where taken from one yard. And I dont' live in or near a big city...

[Firefly]

When it comes to a pedophile/sociopath/whathaveyou, even a small risk is too much IMO. It's one thing for my child to die in a freak accident or injury-- however painful, I could live with that. I could not live with knowing that my sweet, beautiful child's last moments were being tormented and/or sexually assaulted by some evil pervert. That would haunt me forever. :(

[lgm]

Those general statistics are nice, but they can't capture the number of attempted abductions that were foiled by children using the buddy system or being directly supervised or by young ladies who were situationally alert and direct dialed the police dept.

 

One look at the sex offender map is enough for me to assess the localized risk...being in a small town, I happen to know the back story on the SO nearest me, and there is no way my kid will be unsupervised for an instant until Mr. S.O. is behind bars again. Evil is evil and evil will strike again when the opportunity arises. I wish that the law was such that perverts could be supervised officially for life after their first conviction, rather than just a few years while on parole.

[camibami]

She was such a beautiful little girl and this is a crime that could have been prevented.

 

Couldn't the same be said of most any crime or accident? I just don't see blaming the mom in this instance. Its like blaming a mom whose 5 year old dies in a car accident, caused by another driver, in her safety seat properly installed, because statistically, car accidents are such high killers of children. Should she just not drive? Do YOU? Is it your "fault" if you get a car wreck, through no fault of your own, and your child dies, since we all know how dangerous and common car accidents are?

 

I can't imagine not letting my 11 year old ride her bike unsupervised. Or my 7 year old, for that matter.

 

This story is very sad, and also very rare. Hence the news-worthy-ness.

[runninmommy]

Here is a link that explains state law concerning leaving children alone at home. I could not find anything related to letting a child play outside alone but I think these guidelines are common sense and could be applied to most situations.

 

http://www.latchkey-kids.com/latchkey-kids-age-limits.htm

 

Military bases are very strict on this sort of thing. There are specific guidelines on what age/how long a child can be left alone.

 

http://www.dyessforcesupportsq.com/Documents/Airman_Fam_R_Center/ChildSupervisionPolicy.pdf

 

Here is an article explaining military policy on children left at home, just in case your interested.

http://www.eielson.af.mil/news/story.asp?id=123149156

 

I think if more parents followed these guidelines our children would be better protected. From many standpoints, not just kidnapping.

 

Edited to add, I am even more strict than these guidelines. My children were not allowed outside to play w/o me until they were 9 and at that, they had to be between certain boundaries where I could *always* see them.

Edited June 5, 2009 by runninmommy

[Melinda in VT]

I sometimes wonder if the number of young adults who are living at home, seemingly unable to move on to an independent adult life with adult responsibilities is the result of our natural desire to protect our kids from danger.

 

Does not letting them out alone in the world as they are growing up make them afraid to move out into the world as adults?

 

This is a horrible tragedy, but I don't think the mom should be blamed.

[Heather in Neverland]

She was such a beautiful little girl and this is a crime that could have been prevented.

 

Couldn't the same be said of most any crime or accident? I just don't see blaming the mom in this instance. Its like blaming a mom whose 5 year old dies in a car accident, caused by another driver, in her safety seat properly installed, because statistically, car accidents are such high killers of children. Should she just not drive? Do YOU? Is it your "fault" if you get a car wreck, through no fault of your own, and your child dies, since we all know how dangerous and common car accidents are?

 

I can't imagine not letting my 11 year old ride her bike unsupervised. Or my 7 year old, for that matter.

 

This story is very sad, and also very rare. Hence the news-worthy-ness.

 

 

Apples and Oranges....

 

the crime could have been prevented if the mom had been watching her child. Do I "blame" the mom? Well, somewhat, yes. She did not do everything she could reasonably do to protect her child. That's my job as a mother...to raise my children and keep them safe to the best of my ability.

 

If you are in a car accident that is not your fault and your child dies...that is a different story. But if I was in a car accident that WAS my fault (like I was speeding, ran a red light, etc.) and my child died I absolutely would blame myself.

 

And the "rareness" of the situation will be of no comfort to me if it is my child who is now dead.

[KingM]

When it comes to a pedophile/sociopath/whathaveyou, even a small risk is too much IMO. It's one thing for my child to die in a freak accident or injury-- however painful, I could live with that. I could not live with knowing that my sweet, beautiful child's last moments were being tormented and/or sexually assaulted by some evil pervert. That would haunt me forever. :(

 

I agree that this sort of fate is too horrific to imagine. But if we're honest, it's our own fear that causes us to be overprotective, not the actual risk, which is vanishingly small. If it's all about protecting your child, none of us would ever let our child get in a car.

 

I think a more important issue is that we can't let our fears poison childhood. There's a lot of talk on this board about teaching our children to be mature, confident adults. Cloistering them from the world isn't going to further this goal.

 

I'm not saying we shouldn't teach them caution, but sooner or later they're going to be on their own, regardless of what we do. What is important is to teach them about the dangers, then gradually, in an age-appropriate way, give them their independence.

[Kelli in TN]

I'm with you Heather. I just don't take chances. I am probably the type to be considered overprotective as well. I don't leave kids home alone before 12 and even then it is only for minutes, not hours (like a quick run to the grocery store for one or two items, for example). If mine walk the dog they do it together.(And even that's not a guarantee, but 14 yo, 11 yo and 9 yo are probably safer than an 11 year old all by herself) When I do leave the 14 year old in charge he gets the whole talk about deadbolting themselves in the house, don't open the door for anyone, keep your cell phone on you at all times, speech.

 

I'm not really that interested in statistics. I am interested in my kids.

[runninmommy]

I sometimes wonder if the number of young adults who are living at home, seemingly unable to move on to an independent adult life with adult responsibilities is the result of our natural desire to protect our kids from danger.

 

 

 

I'm sorry. I don't think supervision has a single thing to do with it. I think that comes from being taught to be self sufficient, responsible members of society. IMO, most of the adults that have not left the nest are there b/c they are lazy or have been enabled to do so.

 

I am not speaking about those who are going to college or have fallen on seriously hard times. Just the ones who sponge off their parents.

[KingM]

the crime could have been prevented if the mom had been watching her child. Do I "blame" the mom? Well, somewhat, yes.

 

She did not do everything she could reasonably do to protect her child. That's my job as a mother...to raise my children and keep them safe to the best of my ability.

 

Surely you agree that at some age a child should be allowed to ride a bicycle on his/her own. If that age isn't five, is it eight? Ten? Sixteen? If my sixteen year-old dies in a car accident (far more likely than having my five year-old abducted and murdered by a stranger) and I wasn't in the car while he was driving, am I at fault?

 

I don't know much about this woman's situation, but what if she was out with her daughter and suddenly the baby started to cry and she went inside to grab him. What if they lived on a cul-de-sac and other neighborhood kids were out there with her. What if it was the first warm day of spring, the daughter was going stir-crazy and Mom was suffering from a migraine. She was inside, with the window open, trying to listen for her daughter.

 

Let's be careful about judging other people, especially those who have suffered a horrible tragedy.

 

And the "rareness" of the situation will be of no comfort to me if it is my child who is now dead.

 

No, it wouldn't be a comfort, but that doesn't mean that it is healthy or wise for millions upon millions of parents to live in fear and isolation, terrified that something like this will happen to their child.

[Melinda in VT]

I'm sorry. I don't think supervision has a single thing to do with it. I think that comes from being taught to be self sufficient, responsible members of society. IMO, most of the adults that have not left the nest are there b/c they are lazy or have been enabled to do so.

 

I am not speaking about those who are going to college or have fallen on seriously hard times. Just the ones who sponge off their parents.

 

But how can they be taught to be self-sufficient if there is always an adult there?

[Kelli in TN]

I sometimes wonder if the number of young adults who are living at home, seemingly unable to move on to an independent adult life with adult responsibilities is the result of our natural desire to protect our kids from danger.

 

Does not letting them out alone in the world as they are growing up make them afraid to move out into the world as adults?

.

Not at our house. We were probably less protective of our oldest (probably because of a false sense of security that somehow boys are safer, stupid on our part, but cultural conditioning and all that jazz) and he was the hardest to get out of our house. The next two were girls and I was pretty protective of them as children and even to some extent as teens. They were both chomping at the bit to get outta here. My 21 year old is back home, but ONLY for financial reasons, certainly NOT so I can protect her from the boogie man. My 18 year climbed in her car the day after high school graduation and drove to another state for a summer job. I won't see her for 3 more weeks. Both my girls are very independent and they were quite sheltered as children.

 

I did not approach with a hand wringing, oh the world is evil, doomsday attitude. I sheltered them with an attitude of you-don't-know-as-much-as-I-do-so-I'm-keeping-you-under-my-watch-for-now attitude. I don't think they ever felt smothered.

[Peela]

I do not consider myself overprotective, but I wouldn't allow a 5 year old to ride a bike outside- on the street, out the front of the house- alone- even in a fairly safe, quiet suburban part of a small city where I live (and not in America. Crime is lower here).

5 is just little. I didn't allow my kids to ride bikes on the street until they are over 12, because that's when kids have fully developed adult peripheral vision.

But, I have lost my kids in the mall, at the zoo, and some kids are plain precocious and adventurous and run off.

 

Rather than being overprotective- because where do you draw the line there? you cant wrap them in cotton wool forever- I prefer to get really in tune with my intuition, give and playgrounds and play areas, even streets, a good sweep for weird feeling people- even now that I have teens. I want my kids to be strong an independent and not to feel I am smothering them. But at 5? Well, they just need someone watching them.

[KingM]

I'm not really that interested in statistics. I am interested in my kids.

 

Do your kids ever get in a car? 73,000 children died in car accidents in this country between 2000 and 2005. 250 died from stranger abductions. That's a ratio of 292 car deaths for every 1 stranger abduction.

 

If you're really concerned about your kids, you should be 292 times as determined that your children never climb into a car, ever.

 

I'm struggling to put this gently, but to say that you're not interested in statistics, but you are interested in your kids is saying that you are determining risks based on emotions, not facts.

 

Rather than being overprotective- because where do you draw the line there? you cant wrap them in cotton wool forever- I prefer to get really in tune with my intuition, give and playgrounds and play areas, even streets, a good sweep for weird feeling people- even now that I have teens. I want my kids to be strong an independent and not to feel I am smothering them. But at 5? Well, they just need someone watching them.

 

I agree with that 100%.

[Firefly]

I agree that this sort of fate is too horrific to imagine. But if we're honest, it's our own fear that causes us to be overprotective, not the actual risk, which is vanishingly small. If it's all about protecting your child, none of us would ever let our child get in a car.

 

I think a more important issue is that we can't let our fears poison childhood. There's a lot of talk on this board about teaching our children to be mature, confident adults. Cloistering them from the world isn't going to further this goal.

 

I'm not saying we shouldn't teach them caution, but sooner or later they're going to be on their own, regardless of what we do. What is important is to teach them about the dangers, then gradually, in an age-appropriate way, give them their independence.

 

Yes, of course it is my own fear. Who's else would it be? :confused: My fear of my children getting hurt or injured does not stop me from letting them enjoy certain freedoms. I worry every time they have a sleepover, or get into a car with someone else, but it doesn't stop me from letting them do those activities. I am not "cloistering" or "poisoning" their childhood. (But thank you for not being judgmental :D) They do enjoy age-appropriate independence in other ways. BUT, when it comes to going off somewhere (or riding a bike) alone... nope, I just can't do it. They use the buddy system instead. Of course that's not a guarantee either... we all have to determine how much freedom we are comfortable giving our children. They will be out in the real world some day, obviously, but the older they are the better equipped they will be to be able to handle these situations and protect themselves.

 

BTW, I am not at all blaming this poor mother. Just trying to explain the reasoning behind why some of us are a bit overprotective when it comes to this.

[coralloyd]

When it comes to a pedophile/sociopath/whathaveyou, even a small risk is too much IMO. It's one thing for my child to die in a freak accident or injury-- however painful, I could live with that. I could not live with knowing that my sweet, beautiful child's last moments were being tormented and/or sexually assaulted by some evil pervert. That would haunt me forever. :(

 

Amen!

[runninmommy]

But how can they be taught to be self-sufficient if there is always an adult there?

 

By starting young with responsible tasks.

 

By giving them different types of freedom when they are mature and responsible enough to handle it.

 

By teaching them life skills.

 

 

By teaching them accountability.

 

I am not saying you should put a leash on your child until they are 25.

 

I am saying you do not put them in situations they are not ready to handle or incapable of making appropriate judgments on.

 

We are talking about leaving very young children outside by themselves and putting children in situations they are not ready for. A 5 year old outside alone is not acceptable. (***To me****)

[runninmommy]

You know, there are a lot of statistics being thrown out here.

 

Making decisions based on statistics is just gambling.

 

Common sense and a desire to protect our gifts should be paramount here, not what are the chances of a, b, c, d....

[Heather in Neverland]

I'm struggling to put this gently, but to say that you're not interested in statistics, but you are interested in your kids is saying that you are determining risks based on emotions, not facts.

 

.

 

Why is that a bad thing? I AM emotional about my children. Why shouldn't I be? I don't look at raising my children as an exercise in statistics and probability. I look at it as a gift God gave me and He expects me to protect it with my very life if necessary. My 11yo is not allowed to ride his bike around the neighborhood unsupervised. So what do we do? We ride as a family which I think does just as much if not more for his emotional health than incurring more risk by letting him ride alone so he can be more "independent".

 

You keep bringing up the car accident statistics. Let's be fair in this. Travel is necessary. We go to church and the store and to see family, etc. But we mitigate those risks as much as possible by wearing seatbelts and following driving laws, etc. Can something bad still happen? of course. But will it happen because I was taking too many risks? Not making safe choices? no.

 

Letting your 5yo play out front unattended is not the same thing as riding in a car.

 

If I was outside with my 5yo and the baby started crying? The 5yo goes in with me to check on the baby. Would I send my child outside to play while I stay inside with a migraine? No way. Would I let me 5yo play outside with a group of other 5yos? Maybe in a locked/gated backyard that I could see at all times. But in the front yard? No way.

 

Again, it goes back to doing everything you can reasonably do to be safe.

[runninmommy]

:iagree:

Why is that a bad thing? I AM emotional about my children. Why shouldn't I be? I don't look at raising my children as an exercise in statistics and probability. I look at it as a gift God gave me and He expects me to protect it with my very life if necessary. My 11yo is not allowed to ride his bike around the neighborhood unsupervised. So what do we do? We ride as a family which I think does just as much if not more for his emotional health than incurring more risk by letting him ride alone so he can be more "independent".

 

You keep bringing up the car accident statistics. Let's be fair in this. Travel is necessary. We go to church and the store and to see family, etc. But we mitigate those risks as much as possible by wearing seatbelts and following driving laws, etc. Can something bad still happen? of course. But will it happen because I was taking too many risks? Not making safe choices? no.

 

Letting your 5yo play out front unattended is not the same thing as riding in a car.

 

If I was outside with my 5yo and the baby started crying? The 5yo goes in with me to check on the baby. Would I send my child outside to play while I stay inside with a migraine? No way. Would I let me 5yo play outside with a group of other 5yos? Maybe in a locked/gated backyard that I could see at all times. But in the front yard? No way.

 

Again, it goes back to doing everything you can reasonably do to be safe.

[RoughCollie]

I was kidnapped at gunpoint when I was a teenager. The statistics mean nothing to me -- I am one of the data points.

 

My view is that it is better to live with my eyes wide open than to think that something could never happen to me or to someone I love. I am most certainly much more vigilant than most people are, because of my experience. I automatically continuously scan everyone I see, looking for evidence of a concealed weapon or behavior that is out of place, for example. It's just something I do; it is automatic.

 

I don't torture my children about it -- they have no idea about what happened to me, how I respond to my environment, and they sure don't worry that something will happen to them. They are being prepared to handle life's responsibilities, not being turned into over-vigilant mini-Me's.

[lionfamily1999]

Perhaps the root of concern lies more in why people are blaming the mother.

 

For instance, this week a boy was killed and another is in critical care. They were struck by lightening while standing on a ball field. The game had been cancelled, weather concerns, and the boys' parents were letting them play catch. Now, letting your kids play catch after a game's been called for bad weather, in the middle of an open field, seems to be a common sense no-no. Have I heard people blaming these boys' parents? No. Why? Because they'll be blaming themselves already and they don't need anyone else's help.

 

I feel for this woman who lost her little girl. I don't blame her. Obviously, she did not believe this would happen, or (as many of us do when deciding to put our kids in cars, in the care of a sitter, into a public restroom alone), she assessed the risks and decided that her daughter was reasonably safe outside, alone. The same thing these parents did in Spotsy. They assessed the risks and decided they were so minimal that the kids would be fine. They were all wrong. Now, they know. Let's not dance on their grief, or use it to make ourselves feel like superior parents. I'm sure we all endanger our kids all the time, even in our attempts to keep them safe. Lucky for us, nothing has gone wrong.

 

I know people that don't own cars, because they are too dangerous. I know families that walk, no kidding, upwards of ten miles for their shopping. I know people that refuse to go to the beach with their kids (we live on a peninsula), because the risks are too high. One person's reasonable is not, necessarily, another's. A risk to one, is an absolute impediment to another, is not worth a second glance to a third.

[HeatherLynn]

Not worth the risk at all. I don't believe the "50" children a year statistic. Just go here and tell me if you only have 50 names a year. No way I would sacrifice my child's safety for a little independence. Sorry. If my child HAD to have a tragic end to their life, I'd rather it be through an accident than being raped, tortured, and murdered. That's just me.

[katemary63]

 

the crime could have been prevented if the mom had been watching her child. Do I "blame" the mom? Well, somewhat, yes. She did not do everything she could reasonably do to protect her child.

 

The "blame" may go even further. I think I read that the suspect was an aquaintance of the mother. The company you keep certainly can have dire consequences. If I am mistaken and she did not know him, then obvioulsy this does not apply. However, it is sometimes the case that the perpetrator was an associate of the parent and was clearly an individual of ill repute in the first place, weather or not the parent was aware of any sexualy deviant behavior. In that case, culpability increases in my mind.

Edited June 5, 2009 by katemary63

[Ibbygirl]

We have at least 4 sexual predators in my neighborhood, one of them lives just 7 doors down from me. I don't ever let my children out alone. It is understood that if I cannot go out with them then they cannot go out. It's never worth the risk. Hang statistics, I'm going to do whatever I can to keep my children from becoming one.

 

This poor family, how my heart goes out to them. Horrible. just . horrible. :(

[TravelingChris]

Maybe we should all realize that we live in different areas with different problems and concerns. Some areas I would be very hesitant to let my 15 yo go out alone. Other areas are totally fine for five year olds to be playing. It all depends where you are, what are the risks there, what your child is like, etc. When we lived in Belgium and my children were 6 and 9, they certainly played outside. We lived on a private street with only four neighbors and no through traffic at all. THen we moved to Fl and although we lived in a nice neighborhood and they were three years older, I restricted my younger a bit more for about a year. Now we live in a very low crime neighborhood on a cul de sac. We have a very active community watch and the neighborhood has no registered sex offenders. My youngest is 12 now and doesn't want to go further than my restrictions since I live in a hilly area. Lots of people have tehir early elementary kids play in the front yars because we live in a forest and the only lawns are normally in the front. I see people directky monitoring pre-school and toddler age children but not the elementary age. However, almost always the elementary age children are out there playing with at least one other child. Now if I moved about 15 miles where people are routinely being shot, I would hardly want to go out.

[katemary63]

I sometimes wonder if the number of young adults who are living at home, seemingly unable to move on to an independent adult life with adult responsibilities is the result of our natural desire to protect our kids from danger.

 

Does not letting them out alone in the world as they are growing up make them afraid to move out into the world as adults?

 

I don't see any relation to this at all.

[Heather in Neverland]

The "blame" may go even further. I think I read that the suspect was an aquaintance of the mother. The company you keep certainly can have dire consequences. If I am mistaken and she did not know him, then obvioulsy this does not apply. However, it is sometimes the case that the perpetrator was an associate of the parent and was clearly an individual of ill repute in the first place, weather or not the parent was aware of any sexualy deviant behavior. In that case, culpability increases in my mind.

 

They are referring to him as a "person of interest". And he has a criminal background.

[freeindeed]

Oh, how awful. I will be praying for this family. I, too, am considered "overprotective" by some. But that's okay by me.

[macdaddi]

But, I got a quick taste of reality when I was almost abducted by some creep in his car when I was 21. The police never caught him because of some boundary confusion about who was in charge of that area in Houston. Now, I try to vary my routine, I constantly watch for suspicious people/cars and I try to keep a watchful eye on all of my children. Statistics mean absolutely nothing when it happens to you.

[freeindeed]

Statistics mean absolutely nothing when it happens to you.

 

:iagree:

My dc and I were almost carjacked in the parking lot of a store in broad daylight several months ago. Thank God that my doors were locked, and the car was cranked. I just floored it and got out of there as fast as I could. You'd better believe I'm aware of my surroundings and all the people walking around now!

[wildflower]

50 kids is 50 kids too many.

i feel for every one who has to live with the torment of loosing a child, you can't bring them back once they are gone.

all you can do is pray from them & keep your own safe. being a responsible parent is not being overprotective.

the ones that make me crazy are those who leash their dog to keep him safe then let their kids run in the road, go figure. (yes, someone specific).

[lgm]

>>Surely you agree that at some age a child should be allowed to ride a bicycle on his/her own. If that age isn't five, is it eight? Ten? Sixteen?

 

It depends on the traffic, the road and the child's biking skills & maturity as well as the distance traveled. A residential neighborhood with a 25 mile/hr speed limit with little traffic is very different than a 45 mile/hr heavily traveled main drag with no shoulder, many business accesses, parallel parking, a curbed sidewalk w/many pedestrians and no bike lane.

 

 

For me, biking to school and unsupervised on a residential street is around age 8, when they can cross a lightly traveled road safely, obey the stop signs, give hand signals, effectively deal with loose canines, control the bike well enough to avoid walkers in their path, and understand and avoid vehicles backing out of driveways or making turns. Before that, they are learners and should be supervised if they are on a public road.

 

Generally 13 is when they are skilled enough to ride a long way on a light- medium traveled road by themselves (ie crosstown or out on a country road). They need to have the skills of being able to ride the bike in a straight line, emergency stop, re-rail a chain, repair a flat and understand the vehicular traffic rules (bikes are legally vehicles). They also need to be mature enough not to go along with a peer's bad idea, deal w/predators, and know basic first aid. They should be using the buddy rule...makes them less attractive to a predator and allows one to give immediate first aid.

Edited June 5, 2009 by lgm

[Murphy101]

well I don't know that it's a metro-detroit thing either.

 

last year a 5 yr old little girl in my suburb town was taken off her bike from her front yard, raped, and left naked, bleeding, and screaming a block over shortly afterwards.

 

parent said they had just looked in on her out the window and when they looked again she wasn't there after going out and not seeing her, the parent called the police.

 

while the police were talking to the parents, dispatch called in that a maked, bleeding girl was found by neighbors

 

it all took less than an hour

 

it wasn't a "bad" area either

 

so yeah, I am protective too.

 

I'm just now letting my 14 year old boy ride his bike around the block without a sibling.

 

Other than that, every one of my kids has to be with a sibling to play out front and even then I don't let any under 6yrs out front without me.

 

And I mean WITH them. If they have to be within approx 2 arms lengths at all times. And if I check on them and they aren't - they have to come in for the day.

 

I've gotten some flack for not being satisfied with them being out with neighbor kids. But neighbor kids don't follow my rules or answer to me. That and I tell you no one rats out a kid to mom like a sibling. ;)

[Peek a Boo]

Surely you agree that at some age a child should be allowed to ride a bicycle on his/her own. If that age isn't five, is it eight? Ten? Sixteen?

 

Actually, even adults are constantly reminded of the safety inherent in the buddy system.

 

 

I sometimes wonder if the number of young adults who are living at home, seemingly unable to move on to an independent adult life with adult responsibilities is the result of our natural desire to protect our kids from danger.

Does not letting them out alone in the world as they are growing up make them afraid to move out into the world as adults?

 

This is a horrible tragedy, but I don't think the mom should be blamed.

 

well that sounds like a perfect reason to disband the public school system.

 

In fact, if we were to research the percentage of un-independent adults either receiving welfare or in jail, how many would be products of the public school system vs a private option?

 

I do think there is value in discussing where the blame is in a tragedy --it simply makes the rest of us more aware and might actually SAVE LIVES. That doesn't mean we bombard the parents w/ "what were you THINKING!??!!" but instead consider "what can I as a parent do better so my child CAN grow up to be independent?"

 

If my child is dead, that is NOT independent.

 

I did find it interesting that the study linked had a pretty tight definition of abduction. How many kids are abducted and NOT transported 50 miles??

[Tammyla]

How heartbreaking...that poor baby and her family:grouphug:..

 

 

Five is nearly a baby to me as far as supervision is concerned. I've proudly worn my overprotective momma badge for 14+ years.

[macdaddi]

For me, biking to school and unsupervised on a residential street is around age 8

 

I can't put an age limit on the ability to do this since it depends on the child. My 10 yo is highly distracted and is just now learning to pay attention to what's going on around him when we go for walks/bike rides together. My 6 yo, however, is always conscious of his surroundings.

[Murphy101]

to me, the major issue is that it has absolutely nothing to do with where you live. that is completely irrelevant. it happens everywhere, be it slums or gated communities or out in the country

 

(2 little girls were shot in a rural country town while walking down the dirt road from one house to another last year too. then and that local 5 yr old - no one has been arrested)

 

I am not teaching my children to be afraid.

 

I'm teaching them how to take precautions, how to always watch out for each other (god willing they will still be doing that when they are balding and middle aged), to be aware of their environment, to listen to their gut and that they don't always have to listen to adults - esp adults they don't know.

 

and we can say don't blame the parent for not keepig an eye on their 5 yr old all we want.

 

but you know the truth and so do I

 

she is blaming herself for the rest of her life.

I don't think she needs anyone to tell her all the what ifs that could have changed things. :(