You're being a pill

[Farrar]

Seriously, I knew this would happen. I was prepared. Sort of. But what strategies have gentle discipline folks found most useful for helping kids not turn into complete crabby jerks during the tween years?

 

Generally, I've just been calling him on it. Like, "Hey, you're being a pill right now. Do you hear yourself?" But this has resulted in a lot of teary, clingy apologies and not much change overall. Sigh. That's probably some anxiety interfering. I'd love to get some more tools in my toolbox for this. Especially for schoolwork and other tasks that he's committed to but suddenly wants to whine about. Like, the other day he moaned and gave me weird snarky comments about practicing piano. He's never done that. Or about learning lines. He adores being on stage. Or... and this was the real kicker... about math. This is the child that the night before the math sass had come downstairs at 10 pm and begged me to do some algebra to calm himself down from being too wound up. I know it's an age of contradictions, but... oyvay.

[PeterPan]

You mean you're not supposed to just feed them when they get like that?  

 

Marshmallows, chocolate, sandwiches, anything...

[Farrar]

Oh my gosh. Maybe I need to make a "Stop Being Like That" box of special snacks.

[Scarlett]

Yea, the trouble is you never see it coming. Even after reading the warning on the box.

[wapiti]

.

[Lang Syne Boardie]

OhElizabeth speaks truth.

 

I'm sorry, but you might be in for several years of Prickly Pill behavior. When boys do this, in my experience, it's mostly just a matter of kindly survival on your part, because he'll be back. The child you loved will return as a 14 or 15yo young adult whom you will recognize (those lovable and admirable childhood traits reemerge, which is SO cool) and adore. And you'll be glad you bore the brunt of it so he could work this all out on his own instead of in a middle school or something. Truly, post-tween years are when I've been most thankful that we homeschool. Very, very tough at times, but I'm convinced they get through it quicker and with a MUCH better sense of self (and self-esteem) when they got to work it out in private.

 

Tibbie's Rules for Parenting Tween Boys

 

1. Don't wear your own heart on your sleeve. Do enforce/remind/value basic manners toward all, but don't let him know when his upset is destroying you because he probably doesn't even know he's aiming it all at you. But he will do that, because you've always been his safe place. Be consistent, kind, unflappable, and do your own crying in the shower.

 

2. Do remember that if it seems huge to him, it's huge to him, even if it's stupid or petty to you.

 

3. So teach him how to deal with things that are huge to him. It's not about minimizing the importance of the emotion; it's about what to do when our emotions are overwhelming us. "Coping" is the word of the day. "Sense of proportion" comes later.

 

4. Gently teach him that he may not hold you, or anyone else in the house, hostage with his emotions and moods. He will be heard. He will be comforted. He will receive some gentle guidance toward solutions. He will be provided many more calories (trust me, just feed him about 3x more than it seems he should need). But there's a limit on how much attention is available before the person attending him will calmly return to their own life. This is very much part of #3 - what are our inner reserves when everybody else needs a break from listening?

 

5. When everything feels really heavy, our intuitions as parents can fail us. We think more "Seriousity" is needed to catch them up; whether more rigorous academics, more rules and regulations, more lectures and discussions about growing up. We think this because we are surprised/shocked at their depths of immaturity and kind of freaked out that they should be farther along, and also because we, ourselves, are slogging through it all with them and we are in the dumps. We need to remember that most people do grow up, our kids will turn out a lot like us, and we should probably all just go bowling. Or to the movies, or to play putt putt or for a long walk in the snow. Things that make us feel better (socialization, exercise, rest, laughter) make our kids feel much better, too.

 

Farrar, I'm just throwing this out there generally. If something helps, that is great. But you've been listening to your kids all along, and focusing on who they are and not on what anybody else says they need, and that's still the right way to go. It's got you this far. :)

 

 

[SunnyDays]

Ah, Tibbie... I'm so thankful to have you and other experienced moms on the board.  Hitting the tween drama with my own son here lately and these words are such a wise reminder!!  :grouphug:

 

And OhElizabeth... yes.  When in doubt, feed them!!

 

Farrar... hang in there and PM me if you need a virtual chocolate buddy, LOL!!

[LaughingCat]

4. Gently teach him that he may not hold you, or anyone else in the house, hostage with his emotions and moods. He will be heard. He will be comforted. He will receive some gentle guidance toward solutions. He will be provided many more calories (trust me, just feed him about 3x more than it seems he should need). But there's a limit on how much attention is available before the person attending him will calmly return to their own life. This is very much part of #3 - what are our inner reserves when everybody else needs a break from listening?

 

So how do you actually do this one?  This seems like it is where things fall apart the worst around here lately -- I can only take the whining/complaining with a good attitude (from me!) for so long - and then I have to walk away but my walking away pretty much precipitates a complete meltdown.    So clearly I'm not "gently teaching" ( :zombiechase:  <-- this is more what it feels like - with me being the person running away screaming :wacko: )

 

[HomeschoolingHearts&Minds]

Well, I don't know if it helps Farrar, but it sure helps me.  :hurray:   Thank you!

[Lang Syne Boardie]

So how do you actually do this one?  This seems like it is where things fall apart the worst around here lately -- I can only take the whining/complaining with a good attitude (from me!) for so long - and then I have to walk away but my walking away pretty much precipitates a complete meltdown.    So clearly I'm not "gently teaching" ( :zombiechase:  <-- this is more what it feels like - with me being the person running away screaming :wacko: )

 

My third-eldest son was the hardest for this. One day I took a chance and said, "Harry (not his real name), Harry, I have been listening for forty minutes and we've talked about these feelings but you are not one bit less upset than when we started. I love you and you know I'm always here for you, but since I'm not helping by listening right now I'm going to go finish baking the bread and folding the laundry. I can meet you in the kitchen for tea and cookies in one hour. What will you be doing during that time?"

 

He said he didn't know, so I gave him options of walking to the library, running on the treadmill, playing guitar, etc. He took a walk, and unsurprisingly came back feeling better, although he did want to talk a little more over tea.

 

It's kind of like what we do with toddlers when we're teaching them to go to bed on their own. (At least how I did it, as an attachment parenting type who never made a kid CIO.) Stay within hearing distance, being busy about something but not engaged with the child's anxieties, letting them know you are still here and you'll be back to pay attention to them in a little while.

 

If he melts down and throws a fit when you tell him you'll be doing XYZ for the next hour or half hour, just silently stand there while he does it. Look at him kindly, don't look away, but do nothing. Or go and sit next to him, but don't talk or scream or touch him. Just wait it out. Tell him again that you are going to do XYZ now, and ask him if he would like you to get him a drink of juice before you get started. And then get the juice and go about your business, and check on him later.

 

If he escalates to harming himself or destroying things, even when you have done these things to transition him away from dominating all your attention, make an immediate appointment for counseling. Also bring in a counselor if you try these calm disengagement tactics several times and it doesn't get any easier for him; he still acts as if it's the first time you've ever needed a break from him. Counselors can watch the interactions between you and give tools and advice that are specific to your relationship, and help you over time.

[El...]

OhElizabeth speaks truth.

 

I'm sorry, but you might be in for several years of Prickly Pill behavior. When boys do this, in my experience, it's mostly just a matter of kindly survival on your part, because he'll be back. The child you loved will return as a 14 or 15yo young adult whom you will recognize (those lovable and admirable childhood traits reemerge, which is SO cool) and adore. And you'll be glad you bore the brunt of it so he could work this all out on his own instead of in a middle school or something. Truly, post-tween years are when I've been most thankful that we homeschool. Very, very tough at times, but I'm convinced they get through it quicker and with a MUCH better sense of self (and self-esteem) when they got to work it out in private.

 

Tibbie's Rules for Parenting Tween Boys

 

1. Don't wear your own heart on your sleeve. Do enforce/remind/value basic manners toward all, but don't let him know when his upset is destroying you because he probably doesn't even know he's aiming it all at you. But he will do that, because you've always been his safe place. Be consistent, kind, unflappable, and do your own crying in the shower.

 

2. Do remember that if it seems huge to him, it's huge to him, even if it's stupid or petty to you.

 

3. So teach him how to deal with things that are huge to him. It's not about minimizing the importance of the emotion; it's about what to do when our emotions are overwhelming us. "Coping" is the word of the day. "Sense of proportion" comes later.

 

4. Gently teach him that he may not hold you, or anyone else in the house, hostage with his emotions and moods. He will be heard. He will be comforted. He will receive some gentle guidance toward solutions. He will be provided many more calories (trust me, just feed him about 3x more than it seems he should need). But there's a limit on how much attention is available before the person attending him will calmly return to their own life. This is very much part of #3 - what are our inner reserves when everybody else needs a break from listening?

 

5. When everything feels really heavy, our intuitions as parents can fail us. We think more "Seriousity" is needed to catch them up; whether more rigorous academics, more rules and regulations, more lectures and discussions about growing up. We think this because we are surprised/shocked at their depths of immaturity and kind of freaked out that they should be farther along, and also because we, ourselves, are slogging through it all with them and we are in the dumps. We need to remember that most people do grow up, our kids will turn out a lot like us, and we should probably all just go bowling. Or to the movies, or to play putt putt or for a long walk in the snow. Things that make us feel better (socialization, exercise, rest, laughter) make our kids feel much better, too.

 

Farrar, I'm just throwing this out there generally. If something helps, that is great. But you've been listening to your kids all along, and focusing on who they are and not on what anybody else says they need, and that's still the right way to go. It's got you this far. :)

I don't have a tween yet, but I'm printing this out for my own future reference.  It's just so good!

[Critterfixer]

I've always found hard exercise useful for helping me to organize my thoughts and burn off excess energy and frustrations. High on my list this spring is adding a formal exercise routine to our day for the boys. 

I don't know that this will help with pillish behavior, but it sure helps me to get my pill swallowed when I'm choking on it.

[Soror]

Luckily my son is fairly easy going but I'm watching for tips. One thing I've noticed lately is that my son wants a lot more physical contact than I would think, I mean we're hugging more now than we have since he was a toddler. He likes having special time with me. We share jokes together, play frisbee and go shopping.

 

My daughter fits more the description that you're talking about and I am not looking forward to her drama and sensitivity added to hormones. I have noticed that if I engage too much it just encourages her so I have to make some strong boundaries, unfortunatley my son hasn't learned this yet so he keeps trying to talk to her and get her calmed down and instead it just drags it out and makes her more emotional- I have to stop him a fair amount. I give her outlets and encourage her to use them (journal, hitting pillows, going outside to play with the cat, positive scripts- "I am in control of myself" is a big one for her, she is very sensitive to swings due to food or sleep issues, goodness it is interesting sometimes. I let her go work in her room on her own at times as she needs the quiet and space, sometimes I send her there as a break, we've talked about it prior so it is more of thing for her, not a punishment. Being straight forward seems to be the best approach so far. I hear that you are upset and you don't want to do xyz but this needs to be done, do you want to do this or that first? If she still doesn't then that is fine but things like electronics aren't allowed until obligations are done, it is a rule, it isn't personal. That is enough motivation. So, clearly stating and giving her space and time usually she comes around. I am using more independent curriculum for her and will continue to do so as it just suits her personality better, it really does, especially when she is having her moments. I try to keep the one-on-one have to have mom stuff to the minimum I can get by with......

 

as usual YMMV :)

[SparklyUnicorn]

My older kid just turned 13.  So far not so bad.  He does have his moments (who doesn't).  When that happens I usually just give him some space. 

 

He's always been an arguer though and a why why why kid.  Which I basically don't mind.  I have as much stamina as he does usually.  USUALLY  I do find myself saying, "Ok I've said all I can possibly say about it in as many ways as I can possibly say it so I'm done talking about it."  I think he thinks he can just wear me down to get his way.  He'll even say my argument is not valid.  To which I say, that I say what he does not want to hear does not make my argument invalid.  Maybe he'll be a lawyer.  LOL

 

He's actually better at handling his emotions than my 9 year old.  The 9 year old flips out and is very dramatic.  He might be fun when he's 13. 

 

 

[texasmama]

I interject a little humor when I can, and I feed my teen monster frequently with protein snacks when possible.  Sometimes I tell him to do a bit of exercise outside. :)

 

Mine is low on the awareness scale so I give concrete feedback "That was rude.  Did you mean to be rude?"  "That was disrespectful.  Do you mean to be disrespectful?"  Usually, he does not.  Sometimes, he does. 

 

I wonder if your son objects to being called a "pill", even though it is a benign term to you and me.  Can you be more descriptive and factual? 

 

I also let some stuff slide on by when I can.  Sprinkle some grace on it and all that jazz.

 

Fortunately (sarcasm), I have one going through puberty while I am going through menopause.  I'm pretty positive this is why we should all have children in our early 20's.  Launch them before you lose your own mind to hormonal issues...

[texasmama]

One more thing I do with my teen monsters (one raised and one current) is to do something, anything that we both enjoy to help build some positive interactions into our relationship.  With my current teen monster, it is Sudoku in the evenings.  He now asks for it.  He sits next to me and we fumble our way through a puzzle.

 

Also, I will sometimes put my hand on his arm.  That is grounding.  Even prickly teens need to be touched.  He rejects most hugs, but he will sometimes let me hug him. 

 

Also, water.  Hydration is good.  :)

[Garga]

Thinking here (I have a 12 year old).  Here are a couple of things off the top of my head:

 

My guy gets anxious if he thinks we're taking away his autonomy when we're not.  Like, the other day my DH said, "Boy12, do you want to watch a movie with us?"  Boy12 wanted to make cookies (he makes them for a homeless shelter.)  He got all crabby, "NO!  NO!  I've been trying to make cookies all week and this is the only time I'll ever be able to make them!"  Snarl, snarl, growl.

 

I cut in and said, "Boy12.  We're done school today.  You can do ANYTHING you want with the rest of the day.  It's up to you.  You can watch a movie or make cookies or anything.  No one is going to stop you from doing what you want."

 

And all the fight went out of him.  In his mind, he had a plan and we were the big meanies coming along to derail it.  So, I try to give him lots of room to decide what he wants to do and when.  Or I tell him ahead of time, "This is your time.  We won't cut into it."  When he knows we won't stop him from doing the things he wants to do, he settles down.  (This doesn't help when he HAS to do his math and wants to do something else, but it's just one tool in the box.)

 

 

I check my own face as well.  I'm a linear thinker and like to Keep To The Task.  When I'm Keeping To The Task, I get very serious and look very serious.  I do my best to look pleasant when I'm talking to him and to smile.  I read somewhere that pre-teens and teens are super bad at reading facial expressions.  A face that an adult reads as "serious" comes across as "accusatory" or "angry" to a kid.  

 

 

And lots of hugs.  He doesn't know that it's not cool to hug your mom.  So, I hug him whenever I can.  He's not the cuddle bug that my ds9 is, but he still needs that connection.  I also tell the two of them all the time that I love them.  I try to fill them up whenever I can with love and affection.

[SparklyUnicorn]

I interject a little humor when I can,

 

I do this a lot.  I'm rarely serious and like jokes.  This sometimes backfires on me though because then he thinks I'm not taking him seriously. 

[Garga]

I do this a lot.  I'm rarely serious and like jokes.  This sometimes backfires on me though because then he thinks I'm not taking him seriously. 

 

 

Yeah.  My guy has a great sense of humor but sometimes he really needs me not to joke around.  I err on the side of joking and then quickly back off when I see he's too sensitive to take it.

[fairfarmhand]

I've also learned that I have to enforce self-care for my tweens and teens, even when they feel that they don't need to make it important.

 

IOW, I don't permit multiple-night sleepovers. One night at a time is it, and this makes me unpopular, but my kids just can't handle the lack of sleep, even if they sleep in. It takes about a week to get things back in order after a multiple night sleepover.

 

I make sure they are eating stuff other than carbs. I've explained many times about how our body works, so if they are reaching for carbs in the cupboard, I mention that it might make them feel better short term, but they will feel even worse in an hour. Stocking snacks that pack a protein punch with a little sweet kick helps my girls (chocolate covered almonds or peanuts and apples and peanut butter are two favorites)

 

If they are feeling especially crabby, I will tell them to get outside and move around a bit. Usually this helps a ton.

 

Also, it's important for teens to know that mom and dad have limits to how much we can take. When my dd and I took an introverted/extroverted test, she scored like 97 and I scored 7. So when I've had enough, I tell her "I know you are a 97, but I am feeling very 7 right now. Find another 97 to talk to. Would you like to call your friend?" Usually this is when she's just chatty chatty chatty and I've done it with my other 2 extroverts and I am just done with talking. If it's something serious, I try to suck it up and listen.

 

I don't know that I am the best person to advise, since my oldest has been stuck in the crabby jerk phase on and off for the past 7 years. However, my second dd seems delightful and she just turned 13, so I may be somewhat knowledgeable. 

 

Honestly, with my oldest, it's been tons of trial and error. Nothing works incredibly, but some things just take the edges off so we can tolerate her.

[Farrar]

Farrar, I'm just throwing this out there generally. If something helps, that is great. But you've been listening to your kids all along, and focusing on who they are and not on what anybody else says they need, and that's still the right way to go. It's got you this far. :)

 

Super helpful. Those are all things that I try to do, but when a child who was always such a sweetie (unless in the middle of a serious anxiety attack) has become a pill, one really, really needs reminders like that - that it's important to stay the course, so to speak, even though it feels like things have derailed. It's not me or my parenting, it's him and his crazy, growing brain.

 

All the food, exercise, water, self-care stuff is really good to hear too from everyone. Those are tricky things for us. We eat okay. We exercise some. We try to be good about that stuff but I don't feel like it's our strength as a family. So... yeah.

[Farrar]

All I have is empathy and my own vent to add.

 

Yesterday, after 2 hours at drama class, we came home with two friends and did science that was fun in a co-op way - lots of hands on, company, funny videos, science work done online....I mean, I really worked hard to make that a fun class.

 

Last night ds is musing and says 'You know, science is the most boring subject ever.'

 

He caught my 'Woah, you're a pill and a half' look, and said "I hope I didn't offend you Mum' but of course he had.

 

So yeah. No ideas other than riding out the temporary personality change.

 

This is so close to several exchanges I've had with Mushroom lately. He's happy and bubbly and thrilled and engaged and then he says something that implies that he's sick of the exact thing that he was so happy and engaged with just a few hours before. And I'm like, really? Really? He generally relents. No, I'm just tired/hungry/wish we could also do such and such a thing. Okay, say what you mean. Sigh.

 

I think a lot of it is how he's always been my self-reflective kid. Just so smart about himself and his feelings and needs. And now it's like he's not. This fundamental thing is different! His twin is, of course, also going through the same things, but I'm finding it way easier to deal with him.

[Soror]

This is so close to several exchanges I've had with Mushroom lately. He's happy and bubbly and thrilled and engaged and then he says something that implies that he's sick of the exact thing that he was so happy and engaged with just a few hours before. And I'm like, really? Really? He generally relents. No, I'm just tired/hungry/wish we could also do such and such a thing. Okay, say what you mean. Sigh.

 

I think a lot of it is how he's always been my self-reflective kid. Just so smart about himself and his feelings and needs. And now it's like he's not. This fundamental thing is different! His twin is, of course, also going through the same things, but I'm finding it way easier to deal with him.

Ds totally does this too, drives me bonkers. 

 

Oh, texasmama mentioned Sudoku, we got turned onto Sudoku with BA and enjoy doing puzzles together. 

 

AFA exercise ds does TKD but doesn't do a lot on his own, he is however happy to go out and take walks, bike or play frisbee anytime I'm willing to go out, so it is good motivation.

[Farrar]

It's probably true that the best thing I did with this kid in the last week was go for a hike on the wacky 60 degree day yesterday.

[Alte Veste Academy]

Farrar, you pretty well described my DS12. It helps sometimes when I visualize a hormonometer running up his spine. When he is being a pill, I like to mentally picture hormone levels reaching the red zone. I try to remember that his big feelings are real and confusing and unwieldy and overwhelming, and they make him just as uncomfortable and miserable (if not more) as they make me. So mostly I roll with it. Snarky comments about doing this or that suddenly miserable task are usually met with something along the lines of, "Yeah, I know it's no fun to _____ when ______. I hear ya" or "I'm sorry you're not in the mood for _____. Anything I can do to help with that?"

 

When it gets ridiculous but I sense he is still receptive to humor, I might give him a really big hug and say something like, "I'm soooooo sorry. Your life sounds like a living hell." (He and I both speak fluent sarcasm though, so YMMV. LOL) I always offer a beverage and/or a snack. He's been into my iced tea lately. Iced tea makes everything better. I think it makes him feel grown up because I didn't let him have any of my fancy tea until pretty recently. (That stuff costs, man, and I am greedy with it. :lol: Plus the caffeine, but that actually focuses him, so that previous objection is gone.)

 

One very helpful thing I do regularly is to recall a relevant picture of me as a tween...in a wool sweater and jeans, with my arms crossed, scowling, in a bass boat, in the middle of a lake, in July, in Alabama... I clearly remember not wanting to go. So I might have been a pill about it. But I suffered more than anyone for my own behavior. (For real, I got a pretty bad rash. LOL) My parents never showed much empathy. There were never any concessions made at all to burgeoning independence, and that wool sweater picture reminds me to empathize, empathize, empathize but never patronize. And OMG I would never take a picture of my miserable kid while laughing at them. So remembering that picture makes me a better parent in all kinds of ways. :lol: I think, what would hot, sweaty, miserable, itchy tween me have wanted my parents to say or do? LOL

 

By the way, I think it's not them hating the thing they just loved. I think it's their hormones rising above the safety line, and anything in the path of flowing testosterone gets the tween angst version of the "Hulk smash" treatment. I am also firmly in perimenopausal crazy-land (I mean, seriously, who am I anymore?!), so I have some experience with this myself lately. I can enjoy cooking dinner one night and the next, I'm all, why do you people need so much gosh darn food and why do I have to make it? And pick up your blah blah blah blah blah...(insert continued unreasonable, seemingly out-of-the-blue ranting here).

 

I frequently (once a month, at least! ;) ) come right out and say to DH and the kids, "I am not in a  good place, sanity wise. Save yourselves! Run away!" Sometimes I put on headphones as a visual reminder that I am the devil. LOL DH always listens. The kids are learning to listen. So I figure why not give the kids that out? I am teaching them to recognize their moods, read their own hormonometers and they can say the exact same thing to me. Plus they can sit and read. Always. It is always an option to excuse yourself, take a book and plop down and read, or sit and play piano or guitar. Those are my version of time-out here. They still have to do the stuff they have to do, but very rarely is time of the essence. 

 

Agree about diet and exercise. Also, this is the kid who needs to be primed to talk. Unfortunately, he only talks at night, when I am so done with the day. But if he doesn't get his feelings out through talking, they explode out at unfortunate times. Hulk smash. Me make loud, guttural noise, call writing stupid, bang head on desk repeatedly... LOL

[Soror]

It's probably true that the best thing I did with this kid in the last week was go for a hike on the wacky 60 degree day yesterday.

Us too, we got in a butt kicking hike Sat and a smaller walk and frisbee playing yesterday. My goal is to get us outside everyday, some days it is just too dreary to get motivated though. Thankfully he does TKD for at least 2hrs 2x a week and has Scouts and they encourage outside activity.

[Farrar]

Yes, I love the visual of the hormone-meter! That's so perfect.

[Critterfixer]

 

 Hulk smash. Me make loud, guttural noise, call writing stupid, bang head on desk repeatedly... LOL

 

:lol:  Just add "Me stink like young skunk" to the rant and you have one of my boys the other week! He's just eleven, so I only get this every other week or so, but I expect it to get worse before it gets ANY better.

[texasmama]

I know I have tended to underestimate the amount of calories and protein my growing teen boy needs. It is astounding. And he won't get himself anything but chips and crackers so I have to hand him the protein. Even a peanut butter toast is good. Also, when you are chewing, it is harder to sass your mama. ;)

[Alte Veste Academy]

Oh my gosh. Maybe I need to make a "Stop Being Like That" box of special snacks.

 

If only that "you're not yourself when..." Snickers commercial idea had been for hummus and carrots or cheese and apples or peanut butter and bananas...

[Alte Veste Academy]

Yeah, the week I started insisting on DS12 eating 2 boiled eggs, a banana, and an apple before swim practice, his coach made a point to find me after practice to tell me that he had never seen DS swim so well. Food matters for everything.

[Pod's mum]

 

Fortunately (sarcasm), I have one going through puberty while I am going through menopause.  I'm pretty positive this is why we should all have children in our early 20's.  Launch them before you lose your own mind to hormonal issues...

 

Ummm, (standing behind a big sheild here), Texasmama, I think this Menopausal fun phase of your own might just hang around long enough to enjoy with your next two also.

 

I'm at least 4 years in and no plateau in sight.

 

Who's screaming irrationally(monologing strongly) about the unfairness of it all now? :leaving: 

 

[texasmama]

Yesterday, my guy had a meltdown because I looked over a completed math worksheet I had found in the bathroom.  (Don't ask.  WWS is in there, too.)  I GRADED IT!  And he had NOT TURNED IT IN!  Then, just as suddenly, after yelling and crying and covering his face with his shirt, he said, "Why was I yelling?" 

 

Ahhhh, I don't know, dude.  Math homework is not even for a grade.  And yes, I promise to never, ever touch or look at your completed math ever again until you ceremoniously present it for me to look over.  ;)

 

 

 

 

[texasmama]

Ummm, (standing behind a big sheild here), Texasmama, I think this Menopausal fun phase of your own might just hang around long enough to enjoy with your next two also.

 

I'm at least 4 years in and no plateau in sight.

 

Who's screaming irrationally(monologing strongly) about the unfairness of it all now? :leaving:

You had just better stand behind a big shield there, little missy!  Them's fighting words!

 

And yes, I've just started the process.  Even my college girl looks at me and pats me on the head with a "there, there" sometimes and slowly backs away from Crazymom.

 

I don't mean to lose my mind any more than the teen monsters do.  It's really hard to be us.

[texasmama]

Farrar, you pretty well described my DS12. It helps sometimes when I visualize a hormonometer running up his spine. When he is being a pill, I like to mentally picture hormone levels reaching the red zone. I try to remember that his big feelings are real and confusing and unwieldy and overwhelming, and they make him just as uncomfortable and miserable (if not more) as they make me. So mostly I roll with it. Snarky comments about doing this or that suddenly miserable task are usually met with something along the lines of, "Yeah, I know it's no fun to _____ when ______. I hear ya" or "I'm sorry you're not in the mood for _____. Anything I can do to help with that?"

 

When it gets ridiculous but I sense he is still receptive to humor, I might give him a really big hug and say something like, "I'm soooooo sorry. Your life sounds like a living hell." (He and I both speak fluent sarcasm though, so YMMV. LOL) I always offer a beverage and/or a snack. He's been into my iced tea lately. Iced tea makes everything better. I think it makes him feel grown up because I didn't let him have any of my fancy tea until pretty recently. (That stuff costs, man, and I am greedy with it. :lol: Plus the caffeine, but that actually focuses him, so that previous objection is gone.)

 

One very helpful thing I do regularly is to recall a relevant picture of me as a tween...in a wool sweater and jeans, with my arms crossed, scowling, in a bass boat, in the middle of a lake, in July, in Alabama... I clearly remember not wanting to go. So I might have been a pill about it. But I suffered more than anyone for my own behavior. (For real, I got a pretty bad rash. LOL) My parents never showed much empathy. There were never any concessions made at all to burgeoning independence, and that wool sweater picture reminds me to empathize, empathize, empathize but never patronize. And OMG I would never take a picture of my miserable kid while laughing at them. So remembering that picture makes me a better parent in all kinds of ways. :lol: I think, what would hot, sweaty, miserable, itchy tween me have wanted my parents to say or do? LOL

 

By the way, I think it's not them hating the thing they just loved. I think it's their hormones rising above the safety line, and anything in the path of flowing testosterone gets the tween angst version of the "Hulk smash" treatment. I am also firmly in perimenopausal crazy-land (I mean, seriously, who am I anymore?!), so I have some experience with this myself lately. I can enjoy cooking dinner one night and the next, I'm all, why do you people need so much gosh darn food and why do I have to make it? And pick up your blah blah blah blah blah...(insert continued unreasonable, seemingly out-of-the-blue ranting here).

 

I frequently (once a month, at least! ;) ) come right out and say to DH and the kids, "I am not in a  good place, sanity wise. Save yourselves! Run away!" Sometimes I put on headphones as a visual reminder that I am the devil. LOL DH always listens. The kids are learning to listen. So I figure why not give the kids that out? I am teaching them to recognize their moods, read their own hormonometers and they can say the exact same thing to me. Plus they can sit and read. Always. It is always an option to excuse yourself, take a book and plop down and read, or sit and play piano or guitar. Those are my version of time-out here. They still have to do the stuff they have to do, but very rarely is time of the essence. 

 

Agree about diet and exercise. Also, this is the kid who needs to be primed to talk. Unfortunately, he only talks at night, when I am so done with the day. But if he doesn't get his feelings out through talking, they explode out at unfortunate times. Hulk smash. Me make loud, guttural noise, call writing stupid, bang head on desk repeatedly... LOL

When my teens lose their minds, I will forever after think of AVA with her wool sweater while bass fishing in Alabama in July.  ;)

[Alte Veste Academy]

Yesterday, my guy had a meltdown because I looked over a completed math worksheet I had found in the bathroom.  (Don't ask.  WWS is in there, too.)  I GRADED IT!  And he had NOT TURNED IT IN!  Then, just as suddenly, after yelling and crying and covering his face with his shirt, he said, "Why was I yelling?" 

 

Ahhhh, I don't know, dude.  Math homework is not even for a grade.  And yes, I promise to never, ever touch or look at your completed math ever again until you ceremoniously present it for me to look over.  ;)

 

Lately DS will just be upset for what seems like no reason, so I ask him what is wrong. The answer is either snarkiness about not wanting to do this or that (as described above) or a very sincere and bewildered, "I don't KNOOOOOOOOOW!" And I really think he doesn't. Likewise, I can't precisely nail down what is wrong with me when I just need to leave the house and get a salad at Panera and roam Barnes & Noble all by myself for hours either. I mean, it's everything and it's nothing all at the same time.

[Alte Veste Academy]

Farrar, does he have a good boys body book? Mine takes solace from the normalcy of feeling emotional. It's textbook. LOL

[FairProspects]

OhElizabeth speaks truth.

 

I'm sorry, but you might be in for several years of Prickly Pill behavior. When boys do this, in my experience, it's mostly just a matter of kindly survival on your part, because he'll be back. The child you loved will return as a 14 or 15yo young adult whom you will recognize (those lovable and admirable childhood traits reemerge, which is SO cool) and adore. And you'll be glad you bore the brunt of it so he could work this all out on his own instead of in a middle school or something. Truly, post-tween years are when I've been most thankful that we homeschool. Very, very tough at times, but I'm convinced they get through it quicker and with a MUCH better sense of self (and self-esteem) when they got to work it out in private.

 

Tibbie's Rules for Parenting Tween Boys

 

1. Don't wear your own heart on your sleeve. Do enforce/remind/value basic manners toward all, but don't let him know when his upset is destroying you because he probably doesn't even know he's aiming it all at you. But he will do that, because you've always been his safe place. Be consistent, kind, unflappable, and do your own crying in the shower.

 

2. Do remember that if it seems huge to him, it's huge to him, even if it's stupid or petty to you.

 

3. So teach him how to deal with things that are huge to him. It's not about minimizing the importance of the emotion; it's about what to do when our emotions are overwhelming us. "Coping" is the word of the day. "Sense of proportion" comes later.

 

4. Gently teach him that he may not hold you, or anyone else in the house, hostage with his emotions and moods. He will be heard. He will be comforted. He will receive some gentle guidance toward solutions. He will be provided many more calories (trust me, just feed him about 3x more than it seems he should need). But there's a limit on how much attention is available before the person attending him will calmly return to their own life. This is very much part of #3 - what are our inner reserves when everybody else needs a break from listening?

 

5. When everything feels really heavy, our intuitions as parents can fail us. We think more "Seriousity" is needed to catch them up; whether more rigorous academics, more rules and regulations, more lectures and discussions about growing up. We think this because we are surprised/shocked at their depths of immaturity and kind of freaked out that they should be farther along, and also because we, ourselves, are slogging through it all with them and we are in the dumps. We need to remember that most people do grow up, our kids will turn out a lot like us, and we should probably all just go bowling. Or to the movies, or to play putt putt or for a long walk in the snow. Things that make us feel better (socialization, exercise, rest, laughter) make our kids feel much better, too.

 

Farrar, I'm just throwing this out there generally. If something helps, that is great. But you've been listening to your kids all along, and focusing on who they are and not on what anybody else says they need, and that's still the right way to go. It's got you this far. :)

 

Oh my gosh, I so needed this today. Especially the bolded. The tween drama has been strong this year and it feels exactly as you described. I'm so glad to be reminded that they come out of it because some days I really wonder how he will ever function as an adult if small things seem so overwhelming!

 

[texasmama]

Lately DS will just be upset for what seems like no reason, so I ask him what is wrong. The answer is either snarkiness about not wanting to do this or that or a very sincere and bewildered, "I don't KNOOOOOOOOOW!" And I really think he doesn't. Likewise, I can't precisely nail down what is wrong with me when I just need to leave the house and get a salad at Panera and roam Barnes & Noble all by myself for hours either. I mean, it's everything and it's nothing all at the same time.

Over Christmas break, I may or may not have cried and gotten my feelings extremely hurt by the rest of the family bringing home pizza with pork products on it when the three littles and I don't eat pork products.  Everyone else fled upstairs while my college girl said, "I will fix it, mama.  I can pick off the pepperoni.  I'm sorry you felt that no one cared about your feelings or wishes." 

 

(And I had no idea I was irrational until college girl started treating me like a fragile mental patient.)

 

<slinks away>

[lllll]

..

[texasmama]

Farrar, does he have a good boys body book? Mine takes solace from the normalcy of feeling emotional. It's textbook. LOL

I bought mine a book, too.  He hides it where no one else can find it.  I also told him that during puberty your hormones can make you very emotional and that feels bad and out of control.  He really seemed to feel better with this information.

[Farrar]

Farrar, does he have a good boys body book? Mine takes solace from the normalcy of feeling emotional. It's textbook. LOL

 

Yes, we have a couple of good ones. But they were bought because of anxiety over upcoming puberty and sexuality stuff maybe six months or so ago (is fear of having a future interest in sex a typical pre-puberty stage? sigh...). I should pull them back out for this.

[Farrar]

I'm thinking more about Alte Veste in her July wool sweater (my step-brother did that on a camping trip with a thick hoodie one year, actually!)...

 

You know, I think my own tween years were so completely whacko that it's probably hard for me to fully have perspective. When I was 11 yo, my mother sat me down over the summer and said, "I am going back to school to become a minister. I need your help. I can't do this alone. Will you help?" And I said, yes. And from then on, I was in charge of dinner five nights a week, doing the weekly grocery shopping, and watching my little brother after school every single day. I was in charge. And when I wasn't doing those things, I was reading or acting. My mother was there, but I don't think I was a pill to her like this. I mean, maybe sometimes, but mostly she just always said thank you and treated me with a lot of respect and I was just proud to be helping. It's so radically different from the lives my kids are leading.

 

Then again, I have a lot of experience teaching this age group. I think the images I need are of all my former middle school students and what a great mix of crazy and excellent they were. And how many of them that I've kept up with have turned out very well. Nice young adults.

[texasmama]

Yes, we have a couple of good ones. But they were bought because of anxiety over upcoming puberty and sexuality stuff maybe six months or so ago (is fear of having a future interest in sex a typical pre-puberty stage? sigh...). I should pull them back out for this.

For a kid who leans anxious anyway, this is well within the norm.  It is just such a very weird-sounding thing to be expected to feel/do before you have all of those urges, you know?  Weird and gross and all that.  I've had some interesting talks with my kids.  lol

[texasmama]

Oh, thank goodness some other boy out there hides the puberty book where no-one else can find it! I was feeling weirded out by that particular behaviour of ds.

Well, yah.  It has weird and embarrassing info about private parts and even weirder stuff.  I found ds's puberty book shoved under a small cabinet in a bathroom...you know, where he keeps all of his forbidden math homework and his WWS book and notebook.  ;)

[Farrar]

This is also ds. It's OK ???!!!??? Tell me it's OK. 

 

Very timely thread farrar. Sorry you have a pill of a kid :) but thanks for starting this thread!

 

Both my boys have been like that. It seems so weird to me on a personal level. I can't remember ever dreading falling in love or the idea that one day I might want to kiss someone, but in the abstract it makes sense. This has been a fear for my kids for awhile off and on.

[texasmama]

This is also ds. It's OK ???!!!??? Tell me it's OK. 

 

Very timely thread farrar. Sorry you have a pill of a kid :) but thanks for starting this thread!

Well, I think it's ok so I hope that helps.  ;)

 

If a kid continues to feel terribly anxious about relationships or sexuality and all that accompanies it well after puberty, then you might want to dig deeper.

 

But for now, I think it is OK.

[texasmama]

I feel better knowing your boys feel that way. I've been worried that it's all been so not straight forward with ds. With the girls, we just read the books, chatted, read more books, chatted some more. Sure, some bits were embarrassing, but everyone lived.

 

Ds can melt down over the supreme ickiness of it all. Cry with the ickiness. i don't understand. it seems like an extreme reaction.

 

We did have a talk last night about it, because he cried about that too, after telling me how boring science was. I reassured him that the ONLY reason I have info available for him is for if HE wants to know, so he can explore issues or answer questions in private, and if he doesn't want to do that this year, no problem. It's just my job to make sure he can access good info. That seemed to help.

 

Sorry. Verbal overrun. You can tell it's been on my mind!

You handled it great, mama.  Some kids (particularly the generally anxious ones) want to stick their heads in the sand.  But you are right, it is our job to present information so when the time comes for them to experience these changes, they are not traumatized by lack of information.  Better to be traumatized by information NOW, I say. ;)

[Critterfixer]

Not to derail, but those of you with body books for boys, do you have some good recs? I've been coming back to this thread all day and realizing that what's happening with one on a small scale is fixing to happen to number two soon enough, and in a few short years I will have twin Hulks lurching around my house so methinks I ought to start picking up a few of those books in the next little bit.

[texasmama]

This very book is currently hidden under the bathroom cabinet.  I am currently catted so I had little dd go yell out the title to me.  (Shhh, don't tell.)

 

http://www.amazon.com/The-Boys-Body-Book-Everything/dp/1604333529