What do you do when a family member hurts you emotionally?

[rafiki]

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[Chris in VA]

I'm so sorry you had to endure this and were so hurt.

My first reaction was an old way I've dealt with hurt before--I fantasize a scenario where I'd say something like, "My kids? You feel sorry for my kids? I can't imagine how your kids are going to turn out, having such a moronic B*TCH for a mother! Shut your mouth, you wretched, wretched HAG!"

 

Or something like this: (Sweetly) "Off our meds, are we?"

 

Of course, that won't solve anything, and the restraint you probably showed was much better. After all, you don't want to demonstrate that anything she said about you was correct.

 

Sigh. I think my advice to you is just to bite the bullet and have an honest conversation with her. Here are some words to give you ideas.

 

"I'd like to talk with you about our relationship. As I look over my life, I am seeing that I need to deal with some things from the past.

A few years ago, you said some things to me that hurt me, very, very deeply. I remember them still, because they had such an impact. You (insert very brief synopsis of pertinent info, not a long list of wrongs) and I felt (pick a feeling or two) because (I was trying so hard to support my husband, your words reminded me of--what ever). I was so (feeling) that I chose to (what you did). Now I need (what you need from her). Do you think we could talk?"

 

Getting things out into the light is a first step towards forgiveness and healing. You may not get what you want or need from this person. I think, tho, that you would be wise to at least put yourself out there; it's a risk, or course--that's what life is. Could be opening yourself to more hurt--or could be a brand new start.

 

I have to do this with my brother, so some of what I'm telling you, I'll be doing myself, and boy, it takes guts.

[G5052]

Obviously there's a lot of background that you can't relate here, but I don't let people hurt me repeatedly and I don't play "nice" just to please someone on the sidelines of a conflict. It's one thing when someone lashes out but is basically decent to you, it's another when they do it over and over.

 

My mother has dementia and has repeatedly lashed out and been extremely ugly to me. Yes, she has a medical issue, but she has always considered it her "right" to be ugly to people, and family has never been excluded. It's just worse than ever. After the last firestorm, I decided that I wouldn't speak with her on the phone again. Period. She cannot be civil to me to on the phone, and so I communicate with her in writing. Family members (and even her doctor BTW) are furious about this and consider it cruel that I won't handle her tirades over the phone, but I've had enough of it. Some four plus decades of increasing venom is over in my book.

 

If you could write this person this person that you are willing to put the past behind IF they can interact with you in a civil way (I'd be specific), I'd give it a try. I have patched up with family members before with a letter, but not for someone who refuses to interact with me in a civil manner.

[kalanamak]

 

I haven't spoken about this since it happened. After comments like that though, I just can't feel welcome in her home, nor do I want my children around her. I don't want to open a can of worms. How would you respond?

 

If this was a one-off, with some cause behind it (giving up cigs, etc) and the rest of the family has had a good, not "tiptoe on eggshells always, and she gets her way because if she doesn'y hew boy", I'd try to put it behind me.

 

If this is a pattern, I'd think there is some mental problem....like a personality disorder, and it was going to probably be more of the same. If I didn't think she was dangerous (like going to threaten someone or put a rock through the windshield) I'd go to family functions (not at her home), say hello, and avoid her for a few meetings. At the first let-er-rip from her, I'd leave and calmly say "this is rude and out of line and I will not show my children it is acceptable". Some families, large, extended ones, end up rotating around a "difficult" member. I knew a patient who did give up on her family as when she went against her mother, her twin literally beat her up and the rest thought she deserved it. All the kids were in th 40's and should have known better.

 

:grouphug:

[katemary63]

I'm not sure what you are supposed to "do" to put this behind you...you weren't invited to her house for the holidays where everyone else was, right? Are you just supposed to show up? Are you supposed to call her and apologize? Just not sure what this othe relative expects.

 

I think If I really felt like I had a relationship with this cousin BEFORE the incedent, I might write her a letter and ask what the heck was up and why she said all those things - maybe she was on meds or something. ( of course word it diplomatically)

[LMA]

You know what, it goes both ways. In order to put it behind you, the relative needs to act properly and put the past behind her also. I would write a letter to her and ask to move forward together. If she is not willing, the only thing you can do is to act properly the best you can. If the other relative brings it up again, I would explain that it takes two to move forward and that you did your part.

[Stacie]

When we shared the news that dh had accepted a job offer in a neighboring state, most of our replies were "congratulations". However, we had quite a different reaction from my cousin. My cousin responded with some very hurtful statements. She told me she felt sorry for my children having a mother like me. She told me I was abonding my mother by leaving the area. She told me previously she felt obligated to invite my family to get togethers because "we had no body". I could go on, but you get the idea. I simply aked her to not have any future contact with us and she hasn't, it's been 2 years now.

 

I was/am very hurt by the way she sees my life. What hurts the most is she brought my kids into this, via the above comment, to me that crosses the line. We've had very different upbringings and have very different lifestyles, but it's never previously been discussed, it just was what it was.

 

Family functions are held at this persons house, because of that, we have not attended, nor been invited since she's the host, but have let other family members know when we're in the area and they could visit us at my mom's house. We have also extended their invitation to our home.

 

I'm posting because this morning I got an email from another family member asking me to put this behind me and forgive her for my kids sake. I'm not sure how to respond and wanted some feedback from those not attached to this situation.

 

I haven't spoken about this since it happened. After comments like that though, I just can't feel welcome in her home, nor do I want my children around her. I don't want to open a can of worms. How would you respond?

 

 

Has she asked you for forgiveness, or has this other family member taken it upon himself to act as a mediator? If she hasn't come to you asking forgiveness, then I'd make it clear to the other family member that the issue is between her and you. If she wants forgiveness, be open to working it out between the two of you. If this other family member wants to help, how about offering his kitchen table as a neutral meeting spot and a pot of coffee for the two of you to sit and discuss the situation?

[lionfamily1999]

I agree with the other posters that said to write her a letter. I would offer her forgiveness for having been so cruel for no reason. Then, I would offer to let bygones be bygones and move forward. I would not put anything negative or remotely negative in that letter, I have no doubt your cousin would be tempted to use it to illustrate any point she might have on why YOU are the problem.

 

Be gracious, be kind, be loving. Forgive her, she's bitter from something and that's a sorry way to exist. Forgive her so you don't join her on bitter front. Then, forget about it. Send the obligatory holiday card, if she calls or writes back, be gracious, be kind, be loving.

 

If she continues to be nasty, pull a psychiatrist trip on her. "Let's discuss these feelings, I'm very concerned about the amount of anger you're holding. Let's talk about this and see if we can't find a way to help you release this anger constructively, instead of destructively (if that's even a word, lol)."

 

Take the high road, you and your kids are worth it. Stay up there long enough and the rest of the family is going to tell your cousin they can't understand why she'd be so mean, when you're so gracious, loving and kind.

[OhM]

Has she asked you for forgiveness, or has this other family member taken it upon himself to act as a mediator? If she hasn't come to you asking forgiveness, then I'd make it clear to the other family member that the issue is between her and you. If she wants forgiveness, be open to working it out between the two of you. If this other family member wants to help, how about offering his kitchen table as a neutral meeting spot and a pot of coffee for the two of you to sit and discuss the situation?

 

:iagree:

 

I'd let the other family member know that you're open to discussion with her, but given the way you describe it, it really sounds like the ball's in her court.

[Lisa in Jax]

I'd do it nicely, of course. :P

 

I'd say, "Thanks for your concern, Family Member, but it's really best for everyone if Other Family Member and I discuss this between ourselves. I don't want anyone else to be in the middle of this."

 

If you let her know, politely, that you feel it's best for adults to work out their issues *with each other,* and that no intermediary is wanted or needed, she ought to back off.

 

You're under no obligation to initiate any conversations with the hurtful person until SHE makes an effort to be civil. Until she does, you're doing exactly the right thing in keeping your feelings to yourself and moving on with your life.

 

Hugs,

 

Lisa

[dirty ethel rackham]

Has she asked you for forgiveness, or has this other family member taken it upon himself to act as a mediator? If she hasn't come to you asking forgiveness, then I'd make it clear to the other family member that the issue is between her and you. If she wants forgiveness, be open to working it out between the two of you. If this other family member wants to help, how about offering his kitchen table as a neutral meeting spot and a pot of coffee for the two of you to sit and discuss the situation?

 

I agree. Also, I would add that it would definitely NOT be beneficial for the kids to see their mother treated so badlly.

[homeschoolin'mygirls]

is it that you want? Are you missing out on relative contact because of this? Do your other relatives visit you at your Mother's house or take you up on invites to your house?

A deciding factor for me would be whether this conflict was interfering with my/my kids ability to interact with family members . Do you miss the interactions with this person or the events at this person's house or is it a relief not to have this person active in your life?

 

If you decide to contact her, I agree with the other posters--- initially write/email not phone or talk in person. I personally wouldn't discuss past issues with her; in my family that would just stir up controversy and strife again.

 

Whether I wanted to resume physical contact with her or not, I would think hard about sending a reconciliation email. Something along the lines of : we've had some past issues, differences of opinions. Thank goodness we're adult enough to recognize that we don't have to agree on all things nor do we have to share our disagreements with each other. Sometimes its enough just to be family with each other. I'd try suggesting that we let bygones be bygones and move on in a positive way because family is important, esp in these times.

 

 

I think there could be some value for you if you were able to release this. Releasing the hurt/forgiving her does not mean you have to resume contact. Only you can determine if that's for the best or not. But I don't think there's ever any benefit in allowing the hurt inside of you because of this to continue.

 

Written from my perspective (and personal family experience) only--- YMMV.

 

Sending best wishes and healing thoughts your way.

 

nandell

[HSMom2One]

I believe in forgiveness and putting things in the past, and I believe that amazing things can happen between individuals and families when it comes to issues like this that can be restored and rebuilt. That said, I also believe that the majority of the time forgiveness and moving on does not have to include putting ourselves together with those difficult people in social situations. Forgiveness and letting go of hurt feelings is meant to free us from the bondage of bitterness. It may all lead to total reconciliation and starting over again, or it may just end in forgiveness.

 

Ideally, you'd like to have everyone get along and be friends, right? But you may never be able to because of the damage and the dynamics of your relationship. It would be perfectly all right to work toward peace, but have limited contact going forward.

 

I'm speaking out of my own life here and I hope it helps.

 

Blessings,

Lucinda

[schsmom]

It is hard when you have a family member that you cannot get along with. I have a similar scenario with my sister-in-law. She always pitted my family against me no matter what the situation. Because of her my children hardly know their grandparents on my husbands side. It is hard to deal with sometimes and sometimes it does REALLY hurt.

We moved 1100 miles away from our hometown. My husband had a job opportunity and we wanted a fresh start. One would think moving that far away would stop the blaming and pettiness, but is hasn't at all. I have not spoken with my husbands family for almost 10 years now. They have nothing on me but they still pick, like a chicken to an open wound!

My peace only came when I found Christ...truly found him. I have a real peace about it now. I have asked God for forgiveness for my part in the situation and have prayed that he will open her heart someday and let him in so we may be cordial again. It may never happen, but I know now this happened for a reason, to me it was because she was toxic, God wanted me to change and I could not do that on my own around her.

I know some will baulk at this response, I'm sorry if you feel that way I don't intend to offend. It is just my experience with a similar situation. HTH's

[Robin Hood]

Women like to discuss things. It could probably be fine without the discussion. Being kind without opening your self up to future insults and hurt is not that hard. It is actually kind of fun once you figure out how to do it. Sum up the personalities involved and stop being hurt. Swallow the desire to be in control while remaining in control of your feelings. Amazingly, stoic, congenial behavior gives the appearance of self control and respect and while performing it, opens up your understanding to greater depths and gains you the respect you are giving to others. Looking back to all the "discussions" or even hurt feelings I have had, I wish I had learned this concept when I was young. After a while, "performing" becomes reality and respect for others and getting along with them in spite of differences is an easy thing to get, if you're willing to do it. Time wins people, not discussion. People need to see in time, and discover for themselves, that they may have been misjudging you. Keep your head up and have a party, inviting your cousin. Ignore the past, even if it comes up. Your cousin won't be able to see that you did what was best for your family if she can't see it. No need to defend yourself. Just show with a smile and the courtesy that we are obliged to give to others. Be the first to bend.

[rafiki]

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[Mad Jenny Flint]

Don't feel badly about not wanting to see her again, or interact with her. Just because some outside party is uncomfortable with it does not mean you are obligated to change anything.

 

However, if you do happen to see her at a family gathering- of course then you are obligated to be "nice." But, you know that. If she doesn't know that and pipes up with one of her 'opinions' you are also not obligated to stand there and take it. In that case, I would let her know that her comments are uncalled for and completely inappropriate. Period.

 

If you never see her again and other people have a problem with that, it's their problem. You don't have to bend, much less bend over and take it.

[Impish]

My MIL is very difficult. She can be incredibly hurtful, then act like the one being persecuted, sniffle, whine, wail, and generally throw a tantrum if her negative behaviour is pointed out.

 

There came a time when she completely went over boundries, and I banned her from my home for a bit. If she was going to tell lies about my dh, she was NOT welcome in my home. She was shocked that I had told dh about the lying. She, for some reason, didn't understand that we talk and share everything with one another, and expected her lying and insults about my dh would remain with me. I did relent, eventually, and by the end of her visit, she turned to me and said, "I'm so glad that you got over your misunderstanding." I sincerely wanted to hit her. Thank God I have the self control I do!

 

Problem is, as insulting and passive aggressive as she is, she's my MIL. I can't cut her out of my life. The good thing is, dh calls her on all her negative behaviour, its not ignored. Doesn't CHANGE her behaviour one bit, but at least dh stands up for our family.

 

Honestly, I'd rather live in peace, rather than deal with toxic people, relatives or not. Its totally your choice if you want to renew this relationship, but I can say, for myself, that I likely wouldn't. I don't need any more drama or negativity in my life, sucking my time, energy, and emotional strength away from my dh and children.

[ConnieB]

Are you wanting to reach out to this person for yourself (or your husband and kids) or because this other family member has made you feel that you ought to?

 

 

If it was for you or your DH/kids, then I'd reach out to cousin asking if you could talk about what transpired and see if it's possible to breach the distance.

 

If it's to appease the family member, I probably wouldn't reach out to the cousin because it doesn't sound like it would really resolve anything.....you still have no interest in being invited to her house or having your kids around, so what would the end result be? You both apologize but neither still want to be around the other, or worse it explodes into something bigger and forces family members to take sides somehow. You said that you both lead very different lives.....if this person wasn't a blood relative would you have ever become friends with them? What's that old saying, you can pick your friends.......

 

I would however be careful about how you tell this family member that while you appreciate their desire to help, that there really isn't any purpose, that you are too different from your cousin to ever be friends. You don't want to come off vindictive, just uninterested. If you have, then I'd tell this family member that you've put the hurt feelings behind you, but that it doesn't change that you don't have enough in common with them to want to get together.

 

If on the other hand, it's still haunting you, then for your own sake you might want to find closure by talking with her. But I'd do it with a phone call, not a letter.....as we all know from the Internet, the written word is often difficult to express your true feelings, and can easily be misinterpreted or misunderstood. Over the phone you'd know from their reaction whether you were making yourself clear or not and could clear up any confusion before it festered, like it would in a letter.

[katemary63]

After someone tells you to you (your face?) they only invited you because they felt obligated, how are you supposted to feel welcome in their home?

 

You don't. Going to her house, after that statement would only make sense at all if she invited you herself with a sincere dose of enthusiasm to make sure you knew that things had changed and she wanted you to come. I certainly wouldn't go to someone's house after they told me they didn't want me there! Why??

[lynn]

It's a hard thing being hurt emotionally by someone close to you but you have a choice to decide to not let it get to you or consume your thoughts of why would they do such a thing. Only you can choose to forgive them and move on. I hope you find the peace in this situation you ar elooking for and that the new job and transfer go well.

[Mad Jenny Flint]

Amen, and amen.

[LG Gone Wild]

When we shared the news that dh had accepted a job offer in a neighboring state, most of our replies were "congratulations". However, we had quite a different reaction from my cousin. My cousin responded with some very hurtful statements. She told me she felt sorry for my children having a mother like me. She told me I was abonding my mother by leaving the area. She told me previously she felt obligated to invite my family to get togethers because "we had no body". I could go on, but you get the idea. I simply aked her to not have any future contact with us and she hasn't, it's been 2 years now.

 

I was/am very hurt by the way she sees my life. What hurts the most is she brought my kids into this, via the above comment, to me that crosses the line. We've had very different upbringings and have very different lifestyles, but it's never previously been discussed, it just was what it was.

 

Family functions are held at this persons house, because of that, we have not attended, nor been invited since she's the host, but have let other family members know when we're in the area and they could visit us at my mom's house. We have also extended their invitation to our home.

 

I'm posting because this morning I got an email from another family member asking me to put this behind me and forgive her for my kids sake. I'm not sure how to respond and wanted some feedback from those not attached to this situation.

 

I haven't spoken about this since it happened. After comments like that though, I just can't feel welcome in her home, nor do I want my children around her. I don't want to open a can of worms. How would you respond?

 

 

I would respond to intervening family member, " So and so is a toad. She is in my thoughts, I wish her happiness, and I am not interested. I don't see how being mistreated by toad will do my children any good."

[Carol in Cal.]

I have come to believe, though, that there is a value in being polite and covering things up with courtesy to some extent.

 

I think that this woman was unspeakably rude to you. However, I also think that if I were in your shoes, I would not let her be the gatekeeper to the rest of the family. And that would be what guides my decisions about whether to participate in these gatherings or not.

 

If the family get togethers are not that significant to your family and you're still maintaining good relationships and keeping your childen within their extended family, then continuing to avoid this unfortunate creature might be the best thing to do.

 

But if your kids are growing up completely 'out of the loop', or are missing holiday celebrations that are important to you, then I would find a way to participate regardless of the U.C.'s feelings. And I would be utterly courteous with no chill, but not candid or intimate, with her. If she is truly hosting 'the family for the holidays' then she can not exclude you.

 

The wild card is that sometimes when you show up anyway and don't put this all on the table, people see you as (thanks Julie in CA) 'the bigger person' which is pretty nice. And sometimes you end up friends with people who you thought this would never happen with. I have had that happen twice--two different times when someone who I thought disliked me was having a pretty open party, and I steeled myself and attended, and found that going, and acting like a friend, made us turn into friends. Both times I went very reluctantly and was uncomfortable to start with. Both times I went for business reasons rather than social ones. Both times I impressed my 'not so friendly' hosts by even having the nerve or inclination to show up, and we had good relations from then on. It's a wild card in the deck. Maybe it's worth a try.

[Rosie_0801]

I would respond to intervening family member, " So and so is a toad. She is in my thoughts, I wish her happiness, and I am not interested. I don't see how being mistreated by toad will do my children any good."

 

Pretty much, yeah. I can say with all enthusiasm that I did not suffer at all when my mother cut unpleasant relatives from our lives. I am polite to them when we happen to bump into them, which happens less than once a year. "For the sake of your children" is a lot of honk. I'm not one of those people who believes one must deliberately choose to spend time with disagreeable people in order to get better at it. I believe we spend time with disagreeable people when we have no choice, and the rest of our time can be spent with friends or watching the grass grow if all our friends are on holiday. If you want to see your extended family, you can invite them over. I'll bet if you tell your kids you don't attend family gatherings because you'd rather clean the toilet than spend time with Aunt Toad because she's nasty, they will think you are taking the sensible path.

 

Rosie

[rafiki]

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[Carol in Cal.]

extended family as often as they did before this.

 

Maybe someday I'll get to that point, right now I don't feel ready to face her.

 

I don't think you MUST face her. Just that if you're missing out on other good things by not doing so, it's worth trying. From what you say, that's not so, so maybe it's not worth it in this case.

[Joanne]

Carol's feedback is, as ususal, mature and gracious.

 

Another perspective, though is "Dear Family member, I know you are writing out of love, care and concern. I deeply appreciate that. However, the family member in question is not a safe person for me or my family and I can't knowingly put us in that situation."

[HSMom2One]

Honestly, I'd rather live in peace, rather than deal with toxic people, relatives or not. Its totally your choice if you want to renew this relationship, but I can say, for myself, that I likely wouldn't. I don't need any more drama or negativity in my life, sucking my time, energy, and emotional strength away from my dh and children.

 

This is me too. I have a sister that has estranged herself from the family, and as much as I love her and wish things were different, the peace that is in my life now is much better than the drama we were having. I pray for her every day, miss her and love her like crazy, but until she is willing to take responsibility for her actions and is willing to treat others with love and respect, then we have to be apart.

 

I also have a dil who is highly dramatic and high maintenance. We recently had to put some space between our household and her because of the drama and hurt she inflicts on others. We wish it was different, and pray that it will change, but between now and then we have to have peace in our lives.

 

It would be so wonderful if these difficult people in our lives knew the love, peace and healing that Christ can bring. How He can transform lives and turn things around like nothing else this world has to offer.

 

Blessings,

Lucinda

[Cheryl in NM]

I wouldn't respond to your cousin at all. Just realize that you don't need this toxic influence in your life. When you are thrown together due to family dynamics just be polite. Remember, these are HER issues, not yours. Just because she said it doesn't mean it's true. You know what's true for your family.

 

As far as the intervening family member, just let her know that you're okay, but will not be attending family get togethers at this cousins house because she doesn't want you there. As simple as that.

 

Everything is at face value. Cousin says she doesn't want your family there so your family won't be there. If cousin changes her mind, contacts you directly and can be polite at get togethers then your family will be there.

 

I know these things hurt, but just let them go. Really, how important is it? Your cousin is just one person with her opinion. She doesn't live in your house or know your family as well as you do. Don't waste your time fretting over this. You are fine and you know it!:)